Content
by MorbidPet17
Summary: A Finanda love story. It follows our favorite detective team Rollins and Tutuola as they go through the ups and downs of being partners with benefits so to speak. Trying to keep their relationship a secret is straining. They will encounter two major life crisis and a few hiccups along their way.Can they make it work?
1. Prologue

**Okay as the summary says this is my Finanda love story. I don't own them but I do love 'em. I have a vision that takes us about five years into the future. Fin's ex and son will be around. Amanda's parents will make a visit or two, I'm leaving her sister mostly out of it though. I'm introducing a new character (or two actually) later on if we get there. This is mostly just a set up for the actual story. I will attempt to write smut, even though it makes me blush all the way up to my eyebrows just thinking about it, so a warning for that in upcoming chapters. There will be drama of course. And I have to tell you english is not my first language so grammar and stuff might be off at times. That's it for now. Happy reading, this one has been very fun to write so far.**

**XXX**

Amanda was content. She couldn't remember a time when she'd felt that before. No she'd never felt completely content in her life but she did now. And it felt darn good. Something about that feeling made her feel grounded and at peace with the world. She felt a little bit invincible. Not that it would ever go to her head though, life had made her wary and she was often struck by a gut feeling it was too good to be true. It made her cautious at times but most often she went around these days and felt content. She had a look around the squad room. She smiled as she caught herself doing that. She was very much in the moment and it made her feel very Zen. Fin would kill her if she'd ever tell him that. She looked over her shoulder to her partner who was at his desk, head down in a file, very focused on whatever he was reading. She took a deep breath as she continued to watch him.

She'd been in New York for close to a year and a half now, with the squad just as long. She'd arrived in the big city through the airport, passed quickly by the temporary place she'd rented, picked up a box and then headed straight for the station eager to get going. And it had been a jumping start. And she'd loved it. It was just what she had needed. A fresh start. Atlanta PD had been great, no doubt about it, that's were detective Rollins were born and got her shoes wet. But that deputy chief ordeal took a toll and for a couple of weeks she'd felt like there were no way out of that darkness and she was thinking about giving up. Leaving the force. Do something else. Anything as long as she didn't have to go to work every day and see his ugly mug with that wicked smile and those dark eyes that told her he didn't regret a thing and they both knew he'd gotten away with something he shouldn't have. It was tearing her to pieces. But she was lucky. Her former captain Sam Reynolds had her back. He'd set the whole transfer in motion and all of a sudden she found herself in the big city.

New York. The city where dreams come true. Or was that Hollywood? Never mind she thought to herself. New York was the place her dreams came true. She'd soon found herself a place to buy. An apartment which was only hers and hers alone. She loved it. Her walls, her windows, her door to close behind her. And she had the best thai restaurant just around the corner, an excellent coffee bar just across the street that even served iced tea during the summer and good access to a decent jogging path that would take her through a park with both trees and a big green field that draw every type of person on a sunny day. And she'd gotten the distance from her troubled family that she needed more than she thought. Her parents, mostly her mom, called from time to time but she knew they would never set their foot in the big city. They associated NY with only gangs, violence and murder. No way would they visit her and it suited her fine. She checked in with her sister from time to time and she paid a few visits to the big city. Every visit feeling both like heaven and hell as was always the case when you were around her sister. Hurricane Kim. She was like a walking reality one woman show. Amanda had only been back once to Atlanta since she transferred and it was for a cousins funeral. A tragic car accident which had taken from her the only cousin she cared about and actually had contact with. She'd managed to ditch her family for birthdays, thanksgiving and even Christmas. It suited her just fine and she'd been able to manage the slight emotions of guilt that arose from doing that by putting in extra shifts and spending time with the new people in her life.

Friends had been a bit of a problem when she first arrived, giving her a little too much free time on her hands to get in some trouble. But after a few months she'd taken an advice from an old college friend and jumped on board a shorter cooking class and not long after that a book circle in her local bookstore. Sure the job prevented her from making every meeting with the book circle but she'd managed to complete the four week class at least. And it had served its purpose. Not only had she learnt to cook a mean Moroccan chicken, learnt some new knife skills but she'd also made a few new friends. She had someone to call to go see a movie, a theater or have a drink with. But of course she was still a uniform at heart and most of all she liked hanging out with her detective friends and the other NYPD men and women that gathered around their local pub. Share a beer, a funny arrest story and play some pool.

She took an unwelcomed guest with her from Atlanta. Her gambling. It had gotten her in some serious trouble but somehow ended up turning into something positive. She'd found she could trust and lean on her new captain too. And it had made her see new sides to her new partner. He'd been the first one she'd called after it all came crashing down on her. And he'd been so understanding and supportive. It proved something she'd already started to figure out, she'd found her perfect match. Not only did they share the same humor and taste in movies, two very important things, they also dealt with feelings in a similar matter. She knew she was probably the one breaking her gender distinction here but she didn't really care. What was important was that he didn't dwell on things, he dealt head on with problems and he didn't overanalyze. And neither of them felt the need to talk about things. Sure she had a habit of dwelling a bit internally but like him she was good at sweeping stuff under the rug and just move on. And spending time with him made her even better at it. She was learning so much on so many levels from him. He was her rock.

She watched him take a deep breath and then rub his head like he did when he was getting a bit frustrated or tired. He suddenly looked up and caught her watching him. He became still and raised a curious eyebrow at her. When she just kept looking at him with a cheeky smile on her face she could tell he was getting annoyed. Annoyed in a good way though. She could see his cheeks getting color, yes he could get embarrassed too, so she knew he was just acting annoyed to make her stop. She didn't feel like looking anywhere else though. She saw his eyes spy around the room to see if anyone was watching them and when he saw no one was he mouthed 'What?' but she just kept looking at him. He gave up, shook his head and went back to his case file. She caught him looking back up soon after though and her face broke out in a big grin before she turned her eyes back to her desk. The last thing she caught of him was him making his fury eyes face and it made her giggle slightly as she turned away from him completely.

"What?" Nick asked across the desk having caught her giggling.  
"I'm just feeling very content," she smiled.  
"Feeling what?" Nick made a confused face at her.  
"Never mind," she smiled and looked down.

Yes she was feeling very content that was for sure. She was in New York, she had a place that she called home, a work she loved doing, a great boss, a handful of friends she cared about and one very special person she called her partner. That said partner was right now somewhat annoyed at her and she liked that. Liked that a lot actually. Annoyed could be good. Annoyed meant she would get it later. Get it good. And getting with her partner could be oh so delightful.

**XXX**

**So I think you better let me know if this is worth continuing or if I just should keep daydreaming on my own computer ;)**


	2. Their beginning

Their connection had been almost immediate. From the very first time she got in the car with him she'd felt comfortable. He had a constant crease between his eyes and his face was usually rather grim looking but she didn't let that fool her. She'd learnt by now not to judge a book by its cover. And he had shown her his gentle inside very early on. He'd even told her so. The man that did not express his feelings with words that often had told her he'd felt at ease with her at get go and he'd been able to relax around her which was very important to him. Yes the man liked to relax that was another truth. Committed to his job but the man took every chance he got to relax. Or chill as he would call it.

Another truth was that he was darn funny. He could brighten up even the worst day. When you were working the third child abuse case in just a few days or struck out with the fifth witness he could get you going again. And she'd returned the favor once he needed it. They completed each other good. And it wasn't just the fact that Olivia gave her the cold shoulder for the first couple of months, Amanda had a feeling she would still have ended up with Fin even if Olivia had been a little bit… warmer to the rookies. No Fin was her man. They were a good team. Fin having no immediate family around just like her meant they spent a lot of time at or around work. So they saw a lot of each other, learnt a lot about each other in just a few months.

He'd set her up once with a friend of his. They'd worked a couple of months together, that whole gambling ordeal was dealt with and it had led them to open up more to each other even if they rarely got into deep and meaningful conversation. Neither of them was that deep and meaningful so to speak. He suddenly decided she needed to get some and he had a decent guy in mind. 'Just decent?' she'd questioned his choice of words. 'He's good in the sack okay? And that's what you need right now Rollins' he'd said and she hadn't taken offence because she had been complaining. Not about getting some, she was a southern girl after all, she still had good manners even though around cops it was sometimes hard to preserve. No she'd mentioned the dating scene was rough in New York. Too many to choose from she figured. And she wanted to get to know a guy before she jumped in the sack with him which wasn't always what the guy wanted. She wanted to know if she could trust him before she did the deed.

Part of the trust issues may have something to do with that one-night-stand she'd accidentally fallen in to a few weeks pre the Fin's friend hook-up. She could usually hold her liquor but this particular night she'd got a little too much in her system and she'd found herself making out with a guy in the bathroom, later on following him home. She hadn't hooked up since she got to New York, and not for the last months in Atlanta so she was coming up on a year's drought. She read magazines about women who couldn't go weeks or a month without it and it made her feel a bit embarrassed it had been so long since she last. Maybe it was the drought combined with the liquor that made her go for a night one stand even though she usually wasn't that kind of girl. Not that it was wrong or anything it was just that with her trust issues and all it wasn't something that came natural for her. And she should've stuck to what she knew was best for her.

As it was starting to get heated in his bed she'd noticed a red light blinking on his desk and thankfully managed to sober up enough to focus her eyes. When she realized what it was she flew out of bed and covered herself. He had the web camera on his computer on. She had of course made sure that computer never worked again and threaten to arrest him after she'd flashed him her badge. She probably should have arrested him but she'd felt too embarrassed to do so. But it had left her feeling exposed and, well, used. A feeling she never wanted to experience again after Atlanta. She'd told Fin without going into that much details, just mentioned she'd busted him taking photos but it had been enough to get Fin furious, wanting the guys address. Of course she hadn't given it to him knowing he could kill the guy if he got his hands on him. He'd do anything for those he cared about.

Anyway that's partly how she'd found herself in bed with a friend of Fin's. His name was Ricky and he made her dinner at his place and she hadn't minded that it was all set up for sex afterwards. Since Ricky was a friend of Fin's she trusted him to be a good guy and Fin hadn't been wrong, he was good in bed and it had been over a year for her so she was in need of getting some sexual frustration out of her system. Ricky later told Fin that Amanda was amazing in bed and that he wouldn't mind hooking up with her again. Amanda had never gotten that compliment before, not that anyone had ever told her she was bad either but that amazing? She had to admit she was flattered. And Fin had seemed annoyed and curious at the same time.

And it's about here their two stories part ways. If you'd ask Amanda she'd have a clear picture of what happen. Okay maybe not completely clear, liquor had after all been involved. She really should be thinking about giving up hard liquor because she saw a pattern here. Liquor got her in trouble. But this was trouble she really enjoyed so maybe liquor wasn't that bad after all. Well Fin's version would differ from hers but even though he were the one more sober of the two she still claimed he painted the picture to his favor cause he wanted to play the good guy. This of course always made him say:  
"Do I really look like I want to be the good guy, common look at me. I'm the thug. I'm the man," and that usually got her laughing because he'd make these gestures every time they got in that argument and when he got to that line about being a thug she could never hold a straight face and he knew it. He continued to claim that he was, yes curious, but never would have acted on anything if she hadn't gone home with him that night and started to talk about tricks and all. She claimed he set it up even before that Friday night. But it didn't really matter who was right because what happen wasn't a bad thing for either of them.

Two weeks had gone by since she hooked up with Ricky and Fin knew that they had made another date that following Friday. For some reason it seemed to bother him and Amanda tried to approach him about it but with their subtle way of communicating of course she got nothing out of him and didn't feel like pushing. So Friday came and even though Fin knew she was hooking up with him he insisted that she'd tag along to TGIF at their local pub. He'd lured the whole gang to come, even Cragen came and sat there with his nonalcoholic beverage for quite some time actually. And it had been really fun to Fin's credit. Though she still maintain he had a mission and that was to get her in the sack himself. She based that on the numerous drinks he bought her that night. Not that he wasn't generous but he seemed to be a little extra generous this evening. And then there was the fact that he was the instigator to a tequila race she found herself in with Nick. He still claims it was her battle but Fin had been the one that told Olivia his partner could beat hers and then when Nick had asked "Are you a chicken?" of course she couldn't back down.

So a beer or two, a few drinks and a tequila race later Amanda had missed her date with Fin's friend Ricky and for some odd reason the sound of her phone had been turned off so she'd missed his calls during the night. When she talked to Ricky a couple of days later though he told her that he'd texted with Fin and he'd told him she was on her way. To which of course Fin could say "Well you where, weren't you?" and it had been her intention. But instead she'd found herself in Fin's apartment after the party at the pub had died down. She'd been a bit unsteady on her feet and Fin had suggested she'd crash at his place. Something that had happen before so it wasn't such a big deal. His place were nearby, hers wasn't. He had a comfy pull-out, she was in need of lying down. He'd been there with a glass of water as she got out of the bathroom having freshened up a bit. She'd gotten her hair up in a bun, splashed some water on her face. She still had that nice buzz in her head, still felt very lose in her joints and as her feet didn't really touch the ground. She didn't think she'd have such a bad hung-over in the morning but that morning run would probably not be such a good idea.

Since neither of them was that sleepy they ended up in the living room. Fin put some music on. Music was still an issue they hadn't settled on. Fin was totally into rap and talked about the beat and the rhythm. She really had no preference. She listen mostly to singer songwriters, nice melodies with a meaningful lyric. And she loved to dance, not that she was known to splash her stuff around on any dancefloors, it was mostly a private thing. Whenever she'd be in the kitchen for a longer time she'd put her pod on and move around as she cooked. If there was a really good tune she'd break out in free dancing, trying to avoid the windows so no neighbor would see her but sometimes she didn't even care if they did. The dancing would overtake her. Usually it was when a Lady Gaga or a good Rihanna mix came on.

"Who's this?" she asked as she stood by his wall, back to him, checking out the albums by his large music system.  
"Nas," he told her as he checked her out from his spot on the couch. He could see a slight swing in her hip as she followed the beat.  
"Nah who?" she spun her head around and he saw her body sway a bit as she did. She seemed unaware of it though. When she refilled her glass of water she'd found a straw in his kitchen that she now was chewing on. This lady and her straws he thought to himself.  
"Nas," he told her again with a little more pronouncement. She turned back towards the wall. The swing in her hip picked up a bit.  
"I like it," she said.  
"I thought you would. A son of Crown Heights," he added and she spun around completely. This time managing to stay balanced.  
"Brooklyn," she said quickly with a wide smile and pointed at him with her finger. He nodded.  
"You're learning," he said. He knew she was still finding her way around town. It had been six months but it was a big city with lots of boroughs and neighborhoods with domestic names and nicknames. For an outsider he understood it could be hard and with the time they spent at work it wasn't time to explore much on your own. They'd spend time in the car though as they drove to different crimes scenes naming streets and boroughs so she'd learn quicker. She picked up on things easily. She was bright.

She made her way over to the window. He followed her with his eyes. He already knew she had rhythm in her and he saw it now as she walked over to the window with the right rhythm in her feet and hips. The alcohol made her loosen up, let go of some of that armor she walked around with during the day. She was tough, he'd seen her tackle men double her size. She was over by the window now, humming along to the song as good as she could. He was on the top floor, the moonlight catching her form by the window. He'd only turned on a few lamps which gave the room only accent lightning. He told her it was to spare her eyes but he knew it also made the room just a little bit more romantic. And with the right track on the stereo he'd set the room up. Now all he had to do was make his move.

She was wearing a loose fitting white blouse with a quarter of an arm. The sleeves fell down to her elbows as she was holding on to the glass with both hands. The moonlight made him see where her body ended underneath the blouse. It was tucked into a pair of black jeans. Slim fitted which she knew suited her toned legs and made Fin happy cause he could now watch her perfectly shaped behind. She'd slid out of her black boots earlier. She'd been wearing the boots with that extra inch to the heel. She'd been dressed for Ricky, Fin knew it. He could read her fairly well by now. She was probably wearing a nice matching set of underwear underneath. Probably something white seeing how it wouldn't shine through the white blouse. Probably some lace to it, in a silky fabric he guessed.

"What?" she asked and brought him back to the present. She'd caught him looking at her as she'd swung around and found his eyes down by her midsection.  
"Are you sorry you missed your date with Ricky?" he asked and pronounced his friends name with some candid spite to it.  
"What's your problem dude?" she slurred a bit and came over to the couch. She put her knees up first and sat down backwards on the other side of the couch.  
"You were the one who set me up with him in the first place. You shouldn't have a problem with it," she smiled not in a state where she could take much offense even if she wanted. She wasn't a violent drunk, had never been. Didn't get an anger problem with alcohol in her system. Didn't get overly emotionally either. No public outbursts of tears and mush. No, alcohol had the right effect on her. It simply made her feel happy and able to let loose a little.

"I don't," he simply said and tilted his head a bit so he could get a better look at her. With the legs folded underneath her this way she got a nice arch to her back. And with that straw still stuck to her lip she looked somewhat seductive. Not that she was aware of it. He thought that made her even more charming. She was totally unaware of her own beauty and her effect on men. She was naïve that way. But as long as she held her own, as long as she wasn't trampled on and as far as Fin knew she wasn't. She could take care of herself.  
"No?" she asked with raised eyebrows. He shook his head slightly and just held her eyes until she finally looked away. She shrugged her shoulders and had a look around the room as she sipped some water through the straw. She liked his place. She felt at home there. But she knew it was mostly him that made her feel at home there. He was the best. The best partner she ever had and the best friend. She looked back at him, finding him still looking at her. He had an intense stare. She shook her head and rolled her eyes at him. All with a smile on her face of course.

"So tell me about you and Ricky," he said and got a confused look from her.  
"You want me to tell you about Ricky? He's your friend," she chuckled and reached to put the now empty glass down on the table behind her. She almost lost her balance but managed to get back up. She kept the straw and put it back in her mouth as she sat back up. She looked back over at him and shook her head at him. She put her hands up on the ridge of the couch and drummed it a bit to the beat of the music.

"Some say I look a bit like Ricky," Fin said and got her attention again. She held on to the couch and leaned back a bit to watch him from another angle.  
"Nah I don't see it," she smiled as she sat back up.  
"No?" he smiled. She shook her head.  
"He's got darker skin, maybe that's what playing tricks on me," she said and grabbed a hold of the straw with one hand and played with it.

"What tricks did he play on you?" he asked and she immediately looked at him with wide eyes.  
"I'm not telling you that," she chuckled.  
"Why not?" he smiled and reached out for her. She giggled and slapped his arm. She lost a hold of her straw and it fell down. She tried to find it on the couch but Fin had seen it go down on the floor. As she was looking for it he placed his hand on her thigh. She didn't seem to notice.  
"Why do you wanna know? Like you need to learn some tricks?" she said as she gave up looking for the straw and sat back up. She over pronounced '_you_'. "You and all your lady friends," she smirked at him. She knew of his hookups. She knew he was getting some whenever he wanted to.

"Maybe I wanna know what tricks works on you?" he said and as soon as his words registered she looked at him through the corner of her eye. She looked a bit shocked. She looked away for a while, said nothing. Then she looked down on his hand on her thigh. He just sat there, anticipating her next move. Wondered when she would catch on. She looked from his hand to looking straight at him.

"Are you hitting on me?" she asked. Face with a tiny smile, eyes with some cheekiness to them, voice with a bit of pondering to it.  
"What if I was?" he asked and stroked her thigh a bit. She lost the smile as she bit down on her lip and she got a thinking line between her brows. Her face soon broke out in a big smile though and she shook her head at him thinking it was all a big joke. But as her eyes landed on him again he nodded slowly and her smile withered quickly.  
"But we're partners," she whispered suddenly feeling very sober. Maybe a bit too sober.  
"So? It doesn't have to change," he told her. She raised her eyebrow at him.

"We're great as partners. Why not see if we're great at something else," he kept his usual calm. She looked down on his hand on her thigh again. She couldn't believe this was happening. She suddenly felt the buzz again. Or was it something else? She felt warm. She'd never ever thought this could happen. She'd never thought of Fin as anything else than a partner and a friend. Mostly cause she had a 'don't date cops' rule. Something a female instructor at the police academy told her and she'd stuck by it. Sure she'd seen couples work it out within the force but mostly it ended in disaster. Rumors spread. Mostly about the women of course. But she loved Fin. And suddenly it didn't feel wrong at all. Well maybe a little but there was another feeling there too. Something that felt like... arousal? His hand moved slowly up and down her thigh. His touch felt... good. She looked up at him wishing she could feel as cool as he looked. She opened her mouth to say something but she wasn't sure how to put it. She took a breath and tried again.

"So things wouldn't have to change even if we..." she couldn't say it out loud. He shook his head slowly. He gave her a second to think about it. He could tell she needed some time. But he didn't want her to overthink it so after a while he squeezed her thigh a bit. When she looked up at him he gestured with his head that she should get closer. She swallowed hard. She felt lightheaded, her heart was pounding hard. She felt afraid. Afraid that she was messing up something great, but at the same time she felt a desire she hadn't felt before. She wanted him. All of him. She was hoping this was just something caused by the alcohol but she couldn't deny that something was happening inside her. Excitement. Desire. Mixed in with fear that was oddly exciting too. She felt very conflicted.

He could see the doubt in her eyes. The fear. But he knew this was right. He wanted her. All of her. And he would never pursue this if he didn't believe it could be something good for her too. He never wanted to hurt her.  
"Get over here," he said with that cool and calm voice of his when she didn't react to his head gesture. Slowly she got up on her knees and slowly, very slowly moved just a single step sideways to him. His hand fell down on the couch and he watched her as she kept coming closer little by little. There was something truly sensual over the shyness in her movement and the contradiction playing over her face. She came so close her leg touched his. He gestured one more time with his head telling her he wanted her to get all the way over there. She lifted her knee up and then moved sideways over him, putting her knee down on the other side of him. He placed his hands on the outside of her thighs as she slowly sat down on top of him. She could hardly breathe as she found herself sitting on his lap. He could feel the tension in her body and looked at her intensely.

"You can stop this at any time," he told her slowly, needed to make sure she got that.  
"At any time. Okay?" he repeated and she nodded just slightly but that was all he needed her to do. He had her eyes caged with his own but now his eyes went down her body. He looked at her lips, the perfect curve of her thin upper lip. He tilted his head and looked down her jawbone, down over her neck until he reached the top button of her blouse. His eyes went down over her chest that was moving up and down with every deep breath she took. His eyes were making her flustered. His hands moved up the outside of her thighs, up over her hips and up to her slim waist. His eyes wandered further down over her stomach and down to where their bodies met. Slowly he let his eyes wander back upwards as his hands went down again taking a slight detour over her behind. As his eyes came back up to her face again her cheeks had a gotten a deeper shade of red to them. Her lips parted slightly as she felt the need of more oxygen.

"Let your hair out," he said calmly. Her fingers moved nervously where they laid on her calves. It took a while but then she managed to get function back in her arms and she slowly removed the elastic band from her hair. Her hair fell down in a few heavy curls on her back and then she let her hands fall down to her sides again. She couldn't remember when she was this nervous last. She felt like she was back on her very first date but at the same time it was conflicting with the very grown up feelings going through her body right now.

"Unbutton your blouse," he said just as calmly. _'So this was how he was playing it_' she thought. He thought he could dominate her. That he made all the rules.  
"Unbutton your blouse," he repeated as he saw the defiance in her eyes. _'Okay maybe just this time then_' she thought and moved her hands up again. She tried to keep her hands steady as she worked the top button. When she got it open she moved to the next one. She felt his one hand go up her thigh and started rubbing her hip as his eyes were glued on the button she was working on. She got on to the third one and by the fourth she was down by her waist.  
"That's enough," he said when she got it open and her hands fell down on her thighs. He moved his hand up and touched the soft fabric of her blouse. He used his finger to slide it more open and he had been right. She was wearing a white laced bra in a shiny material. He let his thumb run along the lace over her breast. He felt her shiver slightly under his touch and he stopped and looked up at her.

"You can stop it at any time," he reassured her and held her eye for a second to make sure she wasn't bailing out. His eyes went back down to her bra and he ran his fingers slowly over her breast. He cupped her breast and moved his thumb in circles over her nipple until he felt it harden under his touch. A deep sigh slipped out between her lips. He moved his hand down so his palm laid flat against her ribs. She felt warm under his hand. Her skin just as soft as he'd imagined. He slowly removed his hand and placed it back on the outside of her thigh. He slowly got his back of the couch and leaned in to her. She held her breath as his mouth moved in to her chest and as his lips came down just over that little cavity below her throat she let her breath go in a sultry sigh. His lips worked their way up over her collarbone as his hands moved back until he cupped her behind. She found it hard to breath and she gasped for air with her mouth open. She grabbed a hold of his tee and worked her way up until both her hands where by his chest. She planted her hands there. He was heavy built but he had muscles and she felt them underneath his tee.

His hands came up over her lower back and she felt his fingers dig into her. His mouth came up to her ear and she leaned into him as his lips explored the sensitive skin behind her ear. She felt herself shiver with excitement. His tongue taste her skin and then his lips were suddenly gone. Without knowing it she had closed her eyes but now she got them open again. His face was right in front of hers. Only inches away. His eyes were so intense. She licked her lips nervously as her eyes went from his eyes to his mouth and then back to his eyes again. She could see in his eyes exactly what he wanted from her and it both made her breathless and so very turned on. His hands moved down to her behind again and she felt his fingers dig in to it. He closed the distance between them very slowly. She managed to take a breath right before his lips came down on hers and she closed her eyes again the moment they did. His facial hair tickled her skin as he came even closer.

He tasted her lower lip, moved to her upper lip and then she felt his lips part. She felt the tip of his tongue run over the inside of her upper lip. She felt his warm breath against her own as she parted her lips wider. He moved in harder, pushed his tongue into her mouth. He tasted so good and she grabbed a hold of his tee as her tongue played around his inside her mouth. She felt like squealing as he harshly grabbed a hold around her buttocks and pushed her into him. She could feel his erection. As their tongues circled each other's she felt him move outwards on the couch. Her arms came up around his neck as she felt him plant his feet on the ground and about to take off from the couch. Smoothly he got them both up of the couch. She folded her legs to each side of him and clung on as he started to move. She knew where he was taking her and they couldn't get there fast enough.

**XXX**

**Who knew I had such a wicked mind?! I'm blushing here but there's more to come. I want to establish their romance before we can get to the drama so be warn - there's more smut to come. That is if you want me to keep writing...**


	3. The morning after

She wouldn't really feel so sure the morning after though. The first thing she felt was the headache. Then came the dry mouth. And then awareness, closely followed by anxiety. Her eyes jolted open as she realized whose presence she felt next to her, and a very nude presence it was. As soon as her eyes were up she sprung up on the bed clutching on to the silky sheet, trying to cover up her chest as best she could without her having to look down. Her nudeness felt very uncomfortable right now. She was left sitting straight up not feeling able to move any longer, nor look over her shoulder to affirm the memories from last night that was now hitting her like bricks. Then she felt him stir and soon thereafter his hand came up on her back. Caressing her gently.

"You okay?" came his sleep drunken voice. She swallowed trying to think of what to say.  
"Amanda?" hearing him say her first name didn't have the calming effect as it usually did. He stayed quiet for a while, just kept sweeping his hand over her bare back. It felt odd, not necessarily bad but not completely good either. She feared she'd crossed a line here that should not have been crossed.  
"I… I better get going," she managed to finally say. She tried looking over her shoulder but never got all the way as she saw his legs move underneath the sheet. This felt very intimate. Too intimate. She started moving towards the end of the bed but then the sheet prevented her from getting further. She saw some of her clothes spread out around the bed and tried to figure out how to get to them without losing the sheet. She felt the sheet tug and she finally looked over her shoulder. He was the one tugging at it. It took her a while longer to actually look at his face but when she did he looked just the same. He was bare-chested yes but his face looked the same. No regret, no anger, no disappointment. He was sitting up, with his hand planted on the bed. He tilted his head a little as he looked at her.

"You okay?" he asked with a tender voice. She nodded not so convincingly.  
"Let's try again, you okay?" he said as a small smile spread over his mouth. She took a few small breaths as she thought about it.  
"I don't know," she admitted.  
"More honest. Good," he said and moved down a bit on the bed so he could see her better. He took the sheet of himself, she feared for a second he would be totally naked underneath but he had a pair of boxers on and she was able to breathe again. She did remember him completely nude at least once during the night though so she feared he'd been awake at some point. '_Oh God what if he saw me naked_,' she thought but then quickly grumbled at herself because obviously he'd both seen and felt her naked during the night. He was coming closer and she tried to maintain her composure but she felt herself tensing up to the point she was trembling. He, and his bare chest and all, came right down to the end of the bed where she sat and she held her breath. But then he brought the sheet around her another turn as he could see the exposure freaked her out a bit and her heart skipped a beat with his kindness. Once he was done he let go and gave her some space on the bed. She was able to breathe again.

"What's not feeling okay?" he asked kindly. "Except your head," he added and she had to smile a little.  
"What we did..." she started and looked at him from underneath anxious eyelashes.  
"Was awesome," he filled in and she had to chuckle nervously as she felt the blush to her cheeks grew even more.  
"But..," she started. He was thinking about a retort, something he wouldn't mind saying about her well shaped butt but he kept it inside. He knew it wasn't fair to her to joke this away. He didn't regret anything and wanted this to work so he needed her to get her head around it too.  
"Say it," he urged. She squirmed a bit, thought about how she could explain this knot in her stomach.

"I like what we got going. I mean at the job," she quickly added so he wouldn't misunderstand and then added a little quieter as she looked down: "I don't want to mess things up." He didn't say anything so finally she felt the need to look at him. His face was just the same as the one she sat next to in the car every day. He didn't look angry, or upset, just at ease with everything.  
"First off," he started when she finally looked at him. "You didn't mess anything up. We did this. Both of us. And nothing has changed between us."  
"But it always does," she whispered.  
"It?" he asked.  
"Sex," she whispered with a very uncomfortable look over her face. "It complicates things."  
"It doesn't have to," he still insisted.  
"So this was a onetime thing and then," she started but he interrupted her.  
"No. Why a onetime thing? Was I that bad?" he made her smile again. He surely hadn't been bad and she felt her cheeks blush as some more memories from the night became clear.

"I don't want this to be a onetime thing," he said seriously. She looked at him, very confused.  
"Do you want a relationship?" she asked a bit stunned since this was just very new to her.  
"No, you know me Amanda. I'm not a relationship kind of guy."  
"So then what? We just screw each other when we feel like it?" He was rather taken aback by her using the term _screw_. She wasn't a foulmouthed kinda girl. Sure she could curse and she had spite when someone deserved it but her normal vocabulary was... well somewhat proper.  
"We hook up when we feel like it. What's wrong with that?"  
"If captain found out we would be pulled apart right?" she said with worry in her voice.  
"I honestly don't know but it's probably better if we kept it to ourselves," he spoke his mind. She sighed. In her experience most things that had to be kept a secret were probably a bad thing. He felt the need to touch her and he swiped away the hair from her back so he could get to her neck. She didn't pull away from his hand as he felt it go up over her back. In fact his touch felt good. He started rubbing her neck.

"What I said last night still stands Amanda. You can stop it whenever you feel like it. I will not hold it against you. Ever. But I do wanna get with you so please don't stop it," he shook her slightly so she'd know he was mostly joking. Mostly. He could see the faint smile on her face.  
"Can I have some time to think about it. All of it," she finally said and looked at him sideways.  
"Of course. Take all the time you need but don't overanalyze it please. Us haven't changed Amanda. For me it's like yesterday but with a big bonus. We're good together, why not take advantage of it?" She couldn't believe it but he was making sense.

"I'm gonna head to the john. Give you space to get dressed in peace." He gave her neck a final rub and then slid off the bed. He'd fought the urge to kiss her bare shoulder. A battle he almost lost since he had some mad cravings for more of her. She had a hard time looking at him with only his boxers on but she couldn't help to just glance at him slightly. He spotted it but didn't bust her on it. He closed the door behind him and Amanda took a long deep breath. She got up and scrambled around the room for her clothes. She got over to the wall the windows didn't reach and let go of the sheet as soon as she was ready to step into her undies. She hurried to get everything on and then brought the sheet back to the bed. She took a look at the bed. Memories from last night flooded over her. Good memories. Heated memories. She couldn't exactly remember how long they had been at it but it was a long time. A very long time. Oh God she started to feel flushed. This couldn't be right could it? She had to get out of there. She hurried out to the living room. First thing her eyes landed on were the couch. Oh God the couch. That had been hot. She tried to shake the thoughts of and headed to the door. She had a slight memory of Fin helping her get her boots of somewhere around there and she hoped she'd find her jacket there too.

"Amanda?" came Fin's voice as he got out of his bedroom. He had just pulled a tee over his head and pulled it all the way down as he approached her. She'd gotten her boots on. She rose up and looked at him, trying to hide that her head spun as she got up.  
"Let me drive you home. I'll even buy you breakfast," he said.  
"No Fin. Thanks. But I'm fine. Not so hungry actually. I just need to... I don't know, clear my head maybe," she needed air. Fresh air.  
"I'll see you tomorrow at work?" he asked and she nodded. She wasn't sure if she should say goodbye or thanks or something so she ended up just turning her heal and walked out. He stood there for a while. The usually cool guy felt a bit nervous. His plan hadn't been to upset or confuse her but it seemed he had. That stung some he had to admit to himself.

She would go home, take a long shower and then head straight to bed. She felt tired and hung over but sleep still eluded her. She turned and tossed for a long time. She felt so mixed up. One minute anxiety seemed to rule her entire body, making her imagine she would get fired for what she'd done or that Fin would gossip to his cop friends and her reputation would go down the gutter. The next minute sweet sweet memories surfaced from last night with thoughts that made her cheek blush all over again. She felt so conflicted. Finally exhaustion grabbed her and she slept for six straight hours. This of course meant she woke up in the middle of the afternoon which left her sleepless when night time came. She tried to occupy herself with things to keep her mind from screwing with her. She cleaned her entire apartment. Did laundry. Went for a run in the middle of the night even if she knew she shouldn't be out that late on her own.

But it didn't matter what she tried, her thoughts went back to last night's activities as soon as she wind down. Some parts were still fuzzy but she remembered most of it by now. And it had been great. No awesome. She couldn't kid herself about that. He had been in charge the entire time, telling her what to do and then in the bedroom placed her, bent her, rearranged her until he got her in the position he wanted at the time he wanted it. Demanding. But still caring. And oh so giving. If she was honest with herself she had to admit that she'd never been as satisfied having sex as she was last night. She had good lovers in the past but nothing close to this.

By 2 am she had worked herself up to the point she had to get out of her apartment again. She grabbed her stuff and got out on the street. She started walking aimlessly, or so she thought. She caught a bus, walked some more and then she suddenly found herself outside Fin's apartment again. She looked up at his windows. It looked dark up there. She stood there for a while wondering what the hell she was doing there. And at this time of night. A rather large group of people came walking down the street a bit further up. Fin would kill her if he knew she was walking around his neighborhood at this time a night she immediately thought. She had to smile at herself. It was a very contradictive thought since all she wanted to do was let him know she was there. She looked back up towards his windows again and she swallowed. The voices from the group were coming closer. She looked up the street again. She had to make up her mind.

She hurried to his door. She didn't feel like using the buzzer and was happy to find the lock wasn't working again. She got inside, took the stairs all the way up. Two steps at the time. She was exhausted once she got up to his floor. She leaned against the wall right outside the staircase as she tried to catch her breath. Slowly she made her way over to his door. She stood there for a long time. Her emotions were all over the place. Scared, ecstatic, nervous, longing, curious, irresolute. You name it she probably felt it from a second to another. Then without having any control over it she put her fist to his door and banged it three times. Three times that echoed in her head. She put her forehead to his door. Waited. She open her hand and put her palm to the door another three times. All she could hear now was her heart pounding at her eardrums. She used her palm one more time and then as she heard the door chain coming off she jumped backwards.

She backed up so far her feet and then her back hit the wall on the other side of the corridor. He'd seen nothing but a mess of blond strands as he peeked through the eye on the door. But he had a feeling whose blond strands it were and he felt warm all over. He tried to control his smile as he got the door open. She could be there to slap him but his gut told him something else. When he first saw her though he wasn't sure where her head was at. She looked a bit wildered. Like she'd run all the way from her apartment to his. Her cheeks were red, her eyes big and clear. Her hair was a bit of a mess but at least her clothes were where they should be on her. He stayed in his doorway. Waited for whatever she had coming for him.

It took only a short minute after he'd open his door for all her worries to wash away. As she saw him she knew he'd been right. They could do this. She could do this. She wanted to do this. She relaxed a bit. She fell back against the wall behind her as the tension left her body. He looked so kind. So nonthreatening. It could have something to do with him only being dressed in boxers and a tee. Even though his tee said 'Gangsta rap made me do it'. No badge, no gun, no leather jacket. Just him. Her partner.

He could see when the tension left her body. He saw it in her pose, on her face. She looked relieved. And it made him happy. He let her have a minute and then stepped to the side. Gave her the option to step inside if she felt like it. He hoped she knew what it would mean though. There was no way he'd leave his hands off her if she stepped inside. He had clear and vivid memories from last night. And a rerun wouldn't be bad. Not bad at all.

She saw the crease between his eyes fade some and then he stepped to the side. She looked from him to the dark open void next to him. It seemed very significant. The void somehow representing the unknowing, but for once it didn't feel threatening or even scary. She wanted to go there. As long as he was there with her things would be okay she thought. So she took the step. She got off the wall. Walked over to him. She hesitated in the door for just a few seconds but it was mostly because she wanted to look at those big kind brown eyes for just a while longer. She bit down on her lower lip as she stepped inside. She waited two steps inside as he closed the door behind them. His hallway became completely dark but she felt his presence as he stepped up behind her.

She felt his hands come up over her arms, up over her shoulders and then down to her collar so he could slowly pull her jacket off. She was warm and welcomed the cool air in his apartment as the jacket left her. She heard it drop to the floor somewhere behind her and then his hands came up on her back. They moved quickly to her shoulders, he dug his fingers into her, giving her shoulders a squeeze. She felt his breath as his face came close to her neck and he inhaled her scent. She shivered slightly and then spun around. Even in the dark she had no problem finding his face with her hands and soon thereafter her mouth found his. There was no second guessing what she wanted as her tongue eagerly invaded and explored his mouth. He quickly pulled up her shirt up out of her jeans so he could get access to her skin. His fingers dug deep into her skin as he found his way up her back. She snaked her arms around his neck and pushed her body up against him. She remembered this, his taste, his hands on her skin. It felt if possible even better today. Her head was clear, no emotions clouded. This was pure joy and excitement.

He felt her eagerness and his hand found its way around her body. He found her belt buckle and started working at it. He got it open and soon thereafter her button-down fly. His one arm went around her body again so he could push her to him, not that he needed to though cause she was already pushing up against him. He let his other hand slide down her jeans but stayed above her panties. He swept his fingers over the thin fabric just above her heat and it made her bite down on his lip. He made her let go of his lip as he took a firm grip between her legs and she needed to gasp for air. His hand went up only to come down again, this time inside her panties. Their tongues had intervened again. She almost sucked the air out of him when his fingers found their way in-between her folds and his fingers rubbed up against her swollen clit.

She tried to get away a bit since the excitement almost got too much for her to handle but then he pushed her back towards him and it felt so good as his hand rubbed up even harder against her core. He started moving them towards the bedroom. He navigated her through the living room without bumping into anything. Meanwhile she was pulling at his shirt and they stopped and separated so she could pull the tee over his head. Having a short break from his eager hand gave her time to get her breath back and she had a feeling she would need it. Her hands came down around his neck and down over his bare chest. His skin was smooth and she could feel the muscles underneath. She looked up at him and the moonlight shining in made it possible for them to look into each other's eyes. Nothing was said. Their eyes spoke for them. Desire.

She closed the gap between them, biting down on his lip before their tongues met again. She felt him tug at her tee and she pulled her hands up, unwillingly let go of his mouth briefly so he could pull her tee off her. Their mouths found each other quickly while his hands found their way up her back. He easily unclasped her bra and pulled the straps down over her shoulders. His mouth wandered down her neck quickly, down her chest and bit down on the first breast he encountered. He found her nipple and teased it with his tongue as her grip around his neck increased with every new wave of desire that was flushing over her. She gasped for air as he bit down on her nipple and she retaliated by digging her nails down into his neck. His mouth quickly wandered up to hers again and they devoured each other eagerly. She felt his fingers find their way inside the belt hoops of her jeans and as he got a steady grip on her jeans she was ready and jumped up on his hips. His hands found their way down underneath her butt as she wrapped her legs around him. For a second night in a row he swept her off her feet and in to his bedroom. They would be late for their shift that day.

**XXX**

**Thank you so very much for the reviews. It feels really good to know what you think about my fanfic - good or bad - and I'll keep writing as long as you want me to. As I stated in the beginning my "vision" stretches at least five years into the future so this can be a long run. I'm sorry to cut you off before the bedroom yet again but it's my 1st time writing _smut_ and I'm just blushing all over from what I'm writing thus far but who knows I might get a liking and go further...**

**And thank u so very much Katie for finding that typo. Yes there's a big difference between those two classes and even though I've never heard of one I'm sure there's one out there in the world somewhere but I don't think our southern ladydetective would attend a **_**cocking**_** class. Although she seems to like strip joints so who knows, lol. Thank u Katie. I appreciate all feedback.**


	4. Breaking the rules

So that was the start of their, well it wasn't really a relationship, more a completion of their partnership. They were partners with benefits you could say. The ground rules were rather simple. No one at work could find out. They would only hook up at his or her place. Either one of them could say no if they weren't up for it, not that that ever happen though. They were partners so they were allowed to hang out together which meant they could easily slip out together without anyone making strange eyes at that. If she wanted to hook up she mostly just had to look at him and he'd know and would of course be game. He'd use different ways to let her know what he wanted and being a detective she picked up on the signs easily.

The most important rule for him was that they weren't exclusive. Anyone could hook up with anyone else if they felt like it. He hadn't since they started though, he was fully satisfied. But he knew it wasn't fair to her. He didn't want a relationship. Didn't want more than sex. He knew she was young. He knew she wanted someone to share her life with even though she never said it out loud. In the back of his mind he knew he was holding her back but at the same time he didn't want to give her up. He enjoyed her too much. Not that he went around thinking about it that much but this was probably the most content he'd ever been in his life. He had a job he liked, how messed up some cases even got, at the end of the day he knew he was making a difference, that he was taking scum of the roads and therefore preventing fouls from repeating themselves.

And for over a year now he worked with a partner he liked. Someone who got him, was funny to be around and just like him wanted to do the best job possible with the least amount of hassle. They were both straight shooters. And of course she wasn't bad to rest your eye on which was a benefit from the very start. He hadn't seen it coming though, the sexual attraction. He knew it was fueled by the envy he'd felt after his friend hooked up with her. He hadn't been ready for that. At first he didn't plan to act on it at all. Didn't dare to risk anything. He knew that when it came to sex and relationships they weren't alike. He could hook up with almost anyone if he felt the desire and no feelings had to be involved. She wasn't like that. Not that they talked a lot about such things but he still knew. He knew she didn't have one night stands. That she didn't hook up with just anyone, that it took time for her to open up to a guy and he knew, cause she'd told him, she didn't date cops. He had a sense something had happen to her back in Atlanta not long before she transferred. He sensed it just by the way she kept avoiding some questions and how a shadow fell over her face as her transfer was brought up. Fin wondered sometimes if captain Cragen knew, if it maybe was in her file. But then she didn't mind baiting herself, didn't mind getting up close and personal if it meant catching a bad guy. He figured that was her job-mode.

That's when they were alike again, they'd do anything to catch the bad guy. But then off duty she'd be the girl that blushed as a guy gave her a compliment or who would push her jaw off center as she got a bit awkward or caught in an embarrassing situation. Two of her traits that he found very endearing. Two of many. So he decided he needed to try it out. He needed to try her out. He wanted to know her intimately. See if they worked as well in the sack as they did out on the streets. So he'd set it up. Yes he had planned it but he would never admit that too her. He needed her to think he was still the easy, just in it for the sex type of guy. He needed her to think that because he wanted her to have it all. He wanted the best for her and he knew he wasn't the best for any woman. He'd proven that over and over again. He never wanted to hurt her like that. She deserved the very best in life. And he wasn't it.

She knew the rules too. She knew she could hook up with another guy but why would she? She was very content with life right now and in bed… more than content to be honest. He was… amazing. During this past year she'd not only had more sex than she'd had during her entire life but she'd also done things she'd never in her wildest fantasies could have imagine doing. She blushed just thinking about some of the things they'd done, things he'd taught her. The most amazing things and positions. During the day he was, sure maybe not a perfect gentlemen but he treated her like an equal. They were partners in the right use of the word. But as the door closed behind them he knew exactly what he wanted and he would get it. Alone with him he was the man and she had no problem letting him dominate. He'd tell her what he wanted, or he'd simply place her, rearrange her. Never demeaning though, never violent, well not violent but maybe a little forceful if the situation asked for it. She trusted him completely and all though he always made sure he got his desire fulfilled he was also very giving. He made sure her desire was fulfilled as well. Some desires she didn't even know she had, he'd pleased her in ways she never could have imagined.

So why wouldn't she be content? Why couldn't life be like this always? She knew the answer but she felt afraid to dwell on it too much. She knew she wanted more. For now it was fine with just the sex. No hand-holding outside, no acts of endearment out in public. They could have dinner and she'd feel the urge to touch his leg with her foot, put her hand over his at the table or whisper I love you as the light of the candle brushed his face. But she knew she couldn't. That she shouldn't. It was off limits. He couldn't be that one for her. She knew it but she still wished it at times. But most of the time she was content. It still felt new and exciting. The anticipation as they reached the door to his or her place. Knowing that the minute the door closed she would feel his hands over her body, be swept up of the floor, carried to the bedroom if they got that far and then handled in the most delightful way possible.

And she could stay the night if she wanted. She could cuddle up to him, fall asleep in his warm embrace and have his soothing caress send her back to sleep again if something woke her up during the night. And he made her feel so much at ease the nudeness didn't bother her like it used too. She didn't mind him pulling away the sheet so he could look at her, so he could slowly explore her body with his eyes, hands and mouth. She could lie next to him in bed without feeling the need to cover up. Sure as the morning came and if she was still around the mood would be totally different. He wasn't a morning person, there were times when he wanted sex even the morning after but mostly they would just lie side by side and it would be as when they sat in the car. They'd start a random topic and the conversation would take them wherever. Mostly it would bring laughter or at least a smile as their conversations usually landed that way. He was fun to discuss with. He had strong opinions but he didn't mind hearing her side of it, sure he was stubborn but he was never stupid. He could be silly, but never stupid.

Yes she knew she had a little crush on her partner. He was everything she wanted except for that one small detail – he didn't want a relationship. He'd been married and according to him he'd treated Theresa badly. None of his girlfriends had been treated right and he didn't want to be that guy again. He had a son he was very proud. A son that had grown up to be a very kind, caring and ambitious man but that he, according to himself, had no part in. He'd been an absent father, she knew the kind all too well but she still had trouble picturing Fin that way. She tried telling him he'd changed, that she didn't recognize the man he was describing. That she even had a hard time picturing him being that man in the past. But as said, he was stubborn. Particularly on this matter and he never wanted to dive into it which was the case with most sensitive subjects. And she wasn't the kind that nagged. For now she was just content with what she had. Who knew what the future held for her? She wasn't even sure what type of relationship she wanted, maybe this was it? She knew she didn't want to be trapped in a loveless marriage like her parents had been. Marriage wasn't the aim. Being loved was and she felt loved by him.

They handled the situation very well she had to say. For her it was a first. The sneaking. The not letting anyone else know. It made it perhaps even more exciting. She felt guilty sometimes. The few times she hung out with someone else than Fin and they brought up the subject of dating and such. A friend from her cooking class wanted to set her up with a co-worker of hers. Amanda, not being quick on her feet, had failed to come up with an excuse and ended up with having dinner with a man that surely was good-looking and kind. But he wasn't Fin. And she'd ended the date early and ended up at Fin's place, in his bed. She felt a bit bad about that, but just a bit. She still felt that she belonged with Fin and no one else. She was her best when with him and she wanted to be her best always. It couldn't be wrong could it?

And as long as they followed the rules it all went well. They had a close call once though when they didn't follow their rules. She felt a bit guilty for that one since she was the one who made the first move that time.

_Flashback to four months back_

They were staking out a well-known drug dealer who was now dipping his already dirty hands into human trafficking. He had made contact with a guy the SVU team was already investigating. They had surveillance at him since a week back and was helping out with the stake-out since the narcotics had multiple cases going. Fin and Amanda arrived at the apartment across the street and took over the night shift from a couple of guys from narcotics. The guy they staked out had a visit from a friend when they got there but it wasn't a business friend so they got nothing much out of it. The only thing they discussed was a new car that a third friend had somehow gotten his hands on. Apparently they were rather engine fanatics and since Fin was too he found it rather interesting. Amanda found it all very uninteresting and when Fin started to butt into the conversation and kept insisting on telling her his own points of view she was ready to go home. The friend left close to 1 am and then the perp decided to watch some television. They were basically just waiting for him to go to bed so at least one of them could get some shut eye too when suddenly his phone rang. A lady friend was calling him. An obvious booty call. Twenty minutes later a lady showed up and they got straight into business.

"You gotta be kiddin me?" Amanda sighed and looked at her watch. 2 am. Fin picked up the binoculars and took a closer look at the couple that was making their way into the bedroom. Amanda slapped him over his arm.  
"What? We're here to keep an eye on him aren't we?" Fin said without letting his eyes deviate. The sound of the kisses and smooches filled the dark room. Amanda grabbed the pen and wrote down the time and noted a female guest entering the home of the suspect.  
"Got any identification on the guest?" she asked with a sigh.  
"Brunette, slim build, 5'3, big bouncers," he answered and immediately got a look from Amanda. He kept his eyes in the binocular though. His smile was hidden behind his hand.  
"Yeah let me just write that down," Amanda groaned and took notes of the three first characteristics.  
"Lost them," Fin's turn to groan but it was of course mostly for show. He liked bugging her.

The bedroom window was covered with blinds so they could only hear what was going on. But there was no question about what was going on, and they were loud. Amanda squirmed a bit in her seat. They were obviously getting naked by now and the sound of mouth going over skin was heard. Amanda threw a side-glance at Fin. He seemed as cool and collected as always. She moved up a bit in her seat and undid a button in her shirt as she started to feel a bit bothered.  
"Common baby. Yeah. Common. Yeah. Common. Yeah," the suspect's voice was heard and Fin let out a chuckle. He turned his head and their eyes met. Amanda shook her head and rolled her eyes with a faint smile on her face. They could only imagine what was taking place across the street but it sounded like at least one of them was being deeply pleasured. Several minutes passed with the suspect making loud noises. Just to do something Amanda picked up the pen and wrote down "the suspect and unknown female guest having intercourse" on the journal on the desk. She leaned back in her seat and soon drooped down even a bit further. Wasn't it getting really warm in here? She thought to herself and took a deep breath.

Even though it didn't look like it Fin had an eye on her and he took notes on her every little movement. He could tell the noises were getting to her. It seemed the lady friend was getting hers too now and two voices started making loud noises as the minutes passed by. The voices were getting even louder and Fin thought about turning the volume down a bit but he knew they needed to have ears in there at all times just in case. He looked over at Amanda who gave him big eyes and he gave her a smile before he averted his eyes back out the window. He acted cool but he too needed to control himself and he could not do that if he looked at her. Amanda turned her head back as well. She grabbed the pen again and started wiggling it between her fingers a bit just to do something. She felt even warmer and by now she'd stopped pretending to herself that it was the temperature in the room that was getting her hot. She blushed as she could no longer hide that the sounds were making her aroused. She, who had previously never watched a pornographic flick and was of the firm belief that those flicks were just dirty, not sexy, was now having very graphic images in her mind. And they were oh so dirty and oh so sexy.

As the female guest was reaching her first climax Amanda turned her head towards the wall, away from Fin. She rubbed her chin on her shoulder and tried to derail her thoughts. Tried to think about the women they were there to save but her thoughts kept getting interrupted by some overwhelming sensations from her bottom regions. She got annoyed at herself for not being able to focus. She closed her eyes as the female squealed with pleasure. She wished it would soon be over but the suspect kept grunting and soon the female was at it again. Amanda swallowed hard and then turned her head towards Fin. He was still looking cool and collected but she knew by now he had a good poker face. She bit her lower lip as her mind was racing. The noises wasn't just in the room now, they had invaded her head too. She slowly reached over, let her hand go over his arm that laid on the arm chair. She grazed his belt buckle as her aim was just beneath it. Once she got her hand on what she was searching for she immediately knew she wasn't the only one getting aroused by the activities across the street. She watched as he slowly turned his head towards her. His face said nothing but what she felt spoke volumes.

"Not at the job right?" she whispered with a shaky voice. His eyes turned slightly sideways as he seemed to think about what they both knew she'd just suggested. She had been hoping he would turn her hopes down bluntly so she could chill down but at the same time her libido was screaming for him to make an exception. He looked back at her as his hand came up over hers and made her press harder against him.  
"It's not very professional," he said with a low but steady voice. She made a face that let him know she agreed but wasn't so happy with the answer. He threw a glance over his shoulder. He knew the bedroom was empty, they were in an unrented flat, but behind them stood a couch. Amanda followed his eyes and laid eyes on the couch too. She squeezed his private parts a bit as the sound of a mutual climax from across the street was heard around the room. He suddenly stood up, grabbed her hand and didn't have to pull much to get her to follow.

Before they'd reached the couch she'd removed her own shirt and got working on his belt buckle as he pulled his own tee over his head. She felt him smile against her lips as she kissed him as though she was starving for him and was pulling down his pants with just as starving hands. She started chuckling at her own eagerness and anyone else would probably have made her feel shameful but she knew she didn't have to hide anything from him. But of course he couldn't let her call the shots when it came to this so he gathered her hands as he got her down on the couch. He'd stepped out of his pants and boxers as they got down on the couch and he extended himself over her. He pushed her hands up over her head, pushed them down into the couch with his own. His mouth left hers and trailed down her neck. He let go of her hands so he could start removing her pants while his mouth still explored her torso. He used his teeth to get inside her bra and she gasped for air every time he bit down around her tender nipple area. He always managed to drive her wild. She was still amazed how he could get the wild animal out of her so quickly. How he could make her go completely oblivious to the surroundings. How all she could think about was having him inside her.

And now, as she felt him starting to pull her pants down, she couldn't help but press up harder against him. Get him to go faster, harder, deeper but of course he made the rules here and he held her down wanting to set his own pace. Knowing though that holding her down would trigger her, would make her even more aroused so he served more than one purpose doing it. He rolled off to the side of her so he could bend her legs up. He came in close to her and swiped her pants slowly off her. He let her keep her panties on. His touch was driving her insane. He held her now bare legs up in front of him with steady grips around her ankles. He planted small kisses down her legs before he let them go to each side of him as he slowly lay back down on top of her. Her hands came up to welcome him back down but he immediately grabbed them and pushed them down on the couch again. He caught her mouth with his and invaded it with his tongue. She wrapped her legs around him and she gasped for air as she felt his erection against the fabric of her panties.

He loved the feeling of her wanting him. It got him turned on to see her open up to him as much as she did. The trust she showed him, a trust he would never exploit. He put both her wrists underneath one of his hands and let his now free hand run down her trembling body. He could already feel her heat against his crotch but he got even more turned on as his hand reached her and he felt the damp fabric between her legs. She whimpered into his mouth as he formed a grip around the crotch of her panties and slowly pulled them to the side. It had been a while now since he'd seen her this eager and he enjoyed it. He let go of her hands and let her embrace him. Her fingers dug into his skin as he positioned himself inbetween her legs. He didn't want her to have to wait for him any longer. He didn't want to wait either.

He had tried to keep one ear on the apartment across. Thankfully the other couple became silent not long after they've started and they seemed to go to sleep leaving the night open for the two detectives. They filled the apartment with their own noises and lasted for over an hour until they fell exhausted into each other's arms. Unfortunately though the exhaustion at this late hour meant they fell into a slumber and even though it wasn't a deep slumber they both lost track of time. The buzzing of Fin's phone was the first thing that got the alarm clocks ringing. As both Fin and Amanda started to stir they got aware of the voices coming from the surveillance equipment. Amanda, who was the usual early riser, woke up abruptly and started to push at his chest to get him off her. She got up from underneath him and quickly walked up to the window grabbing his tee from the floor to cover herself up with since the sun was up outside. She checked the monitor and was relieved to find the suspect on the couch as the female came walking out of the bedroom with a towel wrapped around her. She seemed to be fresh out of the shower.

"Suspect in sight," she told Fin.  
"Shit," was his response and she immediately turned her head around towards him. He was sitting up on the couch with his phone in hand. She looked at him with curious eyes as he looked up at her.  
"Liv and Nick en route," he said. Her eyes almost popped out.  
"What? What time is it? When?" she started to look around for her clothes that were spread across the floor.  
"Uh 6:50. I don't know. She just texted they were on their way," he said as he yawned.  
"Well get dressed doofus, they could be here already," she threw the tee at him. He gave her one evil eye but knew she was right. He was a slow starter though, couldn't change that even in a situation like this. She scrambled her clothes together, tossed one his way if it belonged to him. She had to go commando in her jeans because he'd ripped her panties apart and she tucked the torn fabric down deep in her pocket. She located her bra but struggled to get it on right.  
"Need help with that," he smirked at her as he stood up to get his boxers on. She sent him two evil eyes just as her clasp hooked in right and she got on with the shirt. He got his tee on but then sat down to get his socks on.

"Hurry," she said as she pulled her shirt over her head and went around the couch to find her socks. They thought they heard something outside and Fin grabbed his pants and shoes and sneaked into the bathroom. In any other situation Amanda would find his hustling funny but right now all she could feel was panic. Amanda grabbed her boots of the floor and went over to the desk by the window. She sat down and got her shoes on. She still heard someone out in the hallway but whoever it was seemed to pass their door. She took a deep breath and watched the suspect. The female had disappeared back into the bedroom, Amanda could hear her humming in there. The suspect was planted in front of the television, seemed to still be half asleep. She heard the toilet flush and soon thereafter Fin came out. She looked at him over her shoulder and saw him look around the room for company. When he didn't see any he looked relieved and came over to her.

"What do I write in the journal? We don't know when he woke up," she said and hit the paper with her palm.  
"Just put something down," he said and sat down with a sigh. She knew he wasn't a morning person and this was not the best of mornings. She grabbed the pen and wrote down '6:30 woke up, female guest took shower, suspect in front of TV' in the journal. She had just put down the pen when there was a knock at the door. She gave him a quick look before she got up and walked over to the door. She peeked through the eye and saw Liv's face in centre and the side of Nick's head to her left. She got the door open and a delightful smell of fresh coffee hit her nose. Liv held up a cup in front of her.

"We come bearing gifts," she smiled and Amanda took the cup with a big, appreciating smile on her face.  
"God sent," she said as she headed back inside. Liv walked in behind her and up to Fin to hand him his cup.  
"Morning," Nick said and closed the door behind them.  
"How was the night?" Liv asked and looked down at the two detectives. Fin was quiet, drinking his coffee and trying to wake up.  
"He had a lady friend come over at 2 am," Amanda said and rolled her eyes.  
"A lady friend eh? What did they do?" Nick asked as he stepped up besides Liv with a big smile on his face.  
"You're a big boy you can figure it out for yourself," Amanda said with a not so amused face. Liv chuckled and walked over to the couch. Amanda had to look away as Liv sat down at their own crime scene. She felt her cheeks blush slightly and hope no one would see.

"Rough night?" Nick said and Amanda looked back up at him over the rim of her coffee mug she used to cover up her blushing face.  
"Your hair," he started and seemed unsure how to continue. She swept her hand over her head and felt the tangle in the back. She fought hard not to kill Fin with her eyes and just averted her head to the side as she tried to comb the tangle out with her fingers.  
"I got some shut eye on the couch," she said quietly. Nick didn't really get why she seemed bothered by admitting that.  
"Fin let you get some sleep? That's a first," Liv said from the couch. "You wanna give me whatever recipe you're using?"

Fin got coffee in the wrong pipe and started coughing. Amanda was relieved her head was turned away as she could no longer hide the embarrassment.  
"You okay there?" Nick asked and Fin nodded as he cleared the last of the coffee from his windpipe. The room fell quiet but soon voices from the other apartment was heard. It seemed the lady friend was leaving.  
"Do we know who she is?" Nick asked. Amanda shook her head.  
"Doesn't seem to have anything to do with the case," Amanda said.  
"They didn't talk much you mean?" Nick said, amusement evident in his voice. Amanda gave him a bothered look over her shoulder.  
"I'm gonna use the bathroom," she said and stood up.  
"I'll wait for you by the car. Need air," Fin said with a yawn as she walked by.

A few minutes later she was able to leave the apartment and she felt relieved to do so. She found Fin leaning against the hood of the car with the coffee mug attached to his lip. He looked half a sleep still. She punched his arm as she walked up to him. He fought to keep his coffee from spilling and gave her a look of surprise.  
"Why didn't you let me know my hair was all a mess?" she growled and he looked at her as she was crazy.  
"Woman you deal with your hair and I deal with mine," he said as he made his way around the car. That made her growl again. She kept looking at him but he just gave her a look and got in the car. She got in on the passenger side.  
"Do you realize how close we came to getting busted?"  
"Do you realize how crazy you sound?" he said as he started the car, cup still in hand.  
"Gaah fuck you," she hissed.  
"Yes that's what you just did," he said and looked for any cars in the street as he was going to drive away but also to hide the big grin that spread over his face. He loved the delightful moments when he managed to actually make her lose control. It didn't happen often so it was a treat when it did happen. Amanda though growled again and punched the air in front of her.  
"Well I won't be doing that again," she snapped which made him stop and turn to her. He raised an eyebrow at her. She gave him a quick look but had to look away because she felt her face cracking.  
"On business hour," she said through a set jaw. He couldn't hide the grin this time but didn't mind her seeing it. He turned his eyes back outside and drove out into the street. Amanda put her arms up over her head but got stuck in the tangle in her hair. She couldn't help but chuckle. She put her hands over her face and shook her head.

That time they both knew they came very close to getting caught and they knew they could not risk that again. It wasn't fair to the job either. They knew the protocol. This time they hadn't messed the case up, in the end they would bring the suspect down and put a good dent in the whole trafficking ring, but they knew it could easily have gone the other way. Their extracurricular couldn't mess with work so it would be the one and only time they broke a 'rule'. Amanda had been so scared of everyone finding out. She'd time to pictured Liv and Nick's shocked faces as they caught them on the couch, Cragen's disappointed face as he found out. The looks on their faces had told her she was a disgrace. She'd feared that would be the end of her partnership with Fin. And she didn't want it to end. Not then, not now. But with the lessons life had given her maybe this was the time she should expect trouble coming her way. Life had been good for a while now. She was happy, content. Maybe she should have seen it coming. Something was waiting around the corner. Disaster. The deadly kind.

**XXX**

**Dumdumdum. Okay I'm going through some strange 'fifty shades of grey' phase here. Can't seem to stop the smut. Thanks for the reviews and boosting my self-confidence. It helps. Much appreciated.  
I'm sorry for the foul language here at the end but it's just my experience that when you truly trust a significant other you are able to use foul language without it being such a big deal you know? Anywho it's my way of trying to paint the image of the awesome connection these two have. Hope it doesn't put anyone off. We're heading towards drama as you can probably tell...**


	5. Trouble on the horizon

**Thanks for the reviews, it's really uplifting to read and they get me to want to post more chapters faster so thank you. Here comes two chapters in a row since they are connected but felt too _meaty_ in just one chapter. We start with even more smut (I'm getting a liking to this, is there a 50 shades of grey support group out there?) and then drama. Enjoy!**

**XXX**

So a year in they were still enjoying the perks of having gone from 'just' partners to partners with benefits. Fin was content and felt no need to see anyone else than Amanda for after hour pleasures so to speak. Amanda was content, only rarely thinking about what the future would hold for her if she stuck with Fin and their casual relationship. They saw each other a lot on and off the job. They were in synch most of the time. They'd hook up two-three times a week and on a day off Amanda usually dropped by his place after she had her morning run. He'd still be lounging around his apartment, most of the time she'd find him in front of the TV playing a videogame. She could easily pull him away from that though if she wanted. And most of the time she wanted to.

She'd never been this sexually active in her entire life. She laughed at herself sometimes when she thought of it and blamed Fin for being a bad influence on her. But she didn't want to change a single thing. Well maybe just the fact he didn't want a serious relationship. She'd gotten used to that by now in a way though and the thought of actually having a deeper relationship with him freaked her out a bit. Sharing intimates details and all felt foreign between the two but she did think about it from time to time. Especially those bad days, when she felt just a little bit depressed and maybe in a need of a hug. But he was good at distractions, at brushing off difficulties and just move on. She needed to be better at that anyway so she learnt that from Fin too. She learnt sexually advanced positions and brushing off feelings, god he was turning her into a guy.

This Sunday morning had started off like many before that. She'd been up for several hours already, had a run and showered before she showed up at his door with two coffees and donuts in hand. She felt like spoiling herself this day and got donuts for lunch. She had keys but she still insisted on knocking so he had to drag his lazy ass up of the coach. He greeted her in boxers and a tee. He seemed a little grumpy this morning but she didn't take offence, she was used to it by now and didn't take it personal. She took her boots off and hung her jacket by the door before she brought her goods inside. She put a cup of coffee in front of Fin who'd gone back to his videogame. She ripped the donut bag open and put it down on his table. She sneaked up in the other corner of the coach with a donut in a napkin, her coffee mug and the morning paper.

She left the paper unfolded in her lap as she took a bite of the delicious donut. She eyed Fin for a while, he was totally focused on the game he was playing and it made her smile. She looked back and forth from him to the TV screen while she finished her donut. Her plan had been to read the paper but she'd lost interest. She extended her leg and just barely touched his leg with her toe. She watched him throw a side-glance down on her foot and then back to the screen again as he was right in the middle of a gunfight. She put down her coffee mug on the table and then let her toe go up his thigh a bit and in underneath his boxers. She smiled as she could tell he was getting distracted. She let her foot trace his boxers over his thigh and down between his legs. She heard the warning level on his life expectancy in the game go off and the second later she quickly pulled her foot back as he put his control down.

"You just killed me," he said and looked over at her. She looked at him with a cheeky smile. He reached for her foot but she pulled it all the way to her.  
"So you think you can kill me and then don't give me anything?" he said with raised eyebrows. He put the control down to his side so he could reach even further but she climbed up on the arm to get away from him.  
"So you're in that mood this morning," he smirked and leaned back a bit so he could watch her through squinty eyes. She just smiled and waited for his next move. He moved a little bit closer to her. She knew she could outrun him any day if she wanted to but the question was if she really wanted to. He moved again but then she flinched and he froze since he knew too she could outrun him.  
"So you're thinking of running?" he asked: "You sure you want to do that? You know what I'll do to you." She chuckled as his lame threat.

"All talk, no game," she teased. She saw a flare in his eyes. He made a fake attack and it made her fall back over the coach. She got her foot down though and found her balance quickly. Fin laughed.  
"I got you scared," he said and she tried to give him a fierce look but her smile gave her true feelings away. He stood up and she backed up a little.  
"Common, give me something," he dared her. Without taking her eyes off him she unbuckled her belt and pulled it out of her hoops. His eyes followed her every move. She dropped the belt to her side. He looked pleased but wanted more.

"Don't stop," he smiled. She knew she'd gotten herself into deep water. She tried to fight the shyness that sneaked upon her. She put her fingers on her button up zipper and started with the first button. She could see Fin was mesmerized and the look in his eyes told her she didn't have to feel uncomfortable or embarrassed about anything. Still she felt her cheeks turn red and she was getting warm all over. She managed to get all the buttons open but then wasn't sure what to do.

"Skin," he whispered as he met her eyes and saw the uncertainty linger there. He was still working on getting her to feel as strong and beautiful as she was in his eyes. He didn't mind it being a slow process as he had all the time in the world. He read her well and knew when he could push and when he had to step in and help her out. It had taken a while but it had been a long time now since he saw that glimmer of tears in her eyes. When something inside her told her she wasn't good enough, that she did something wrong or something shameful. When she started doubting herself. Her cheeks told him now that he was pushing her boundaries a little. Her eyes told him what she wanted right now though but he also knew she wanted to please him and he needed to keep that in mind. He would never force her do to anything she didn't want to do.

His latest request made her breathing pick up a little. She put her hands underneath her shirt and started to slowly push it upwards.  
"Touch yourself," he whispered. She put her palms against her stomach and caressed herself at the same time as she pushed her shirt up. His smile told her she was doing something right and her own hands against her skin made her feel good. 'It couldn't be wrong if it made her feel good right' she thought to herself. As she reached her breasts and her palms went over the light fabric in her bra she couldn't help but let out a pleasurable sigh as she felt her nipples harden underneath her own touch.

She closed her eyes briefly as she felt a wave of excitement go through her body. When she opened them again he came crashing into her. She met his lips as they crashed down on hers. They had to part shortly as he helped her get her shirt over her head though. Their lips met again at the same time as he twisted the shirt around her wrists so he had her hands tangled up behind her head. She tried to fight him just a little, like she knew he liked it. They often balanced on that fine line between force and want but never had he crossed it. She felt completely safe with him. He made sure he held on to the shirt in a way that didn't hurt her arms and then let his free hand run down her body. She gasped into his mouth as he went over her breast and then again as his hand sneaked around her body and down inside her pants to cup her butt cheek. He pushed her up against him and started to slowly move them backwards towards his bedroom. His tongue went down deep and she breathed through him. He had her body trembling before they reached his bed.

A few hours later they were back on the coach again. Amanda had showered and gotten dressed since she'd gone down and fetched them some early dinner. Fin was back in his regular Sunday outfit – boxers and a tee. Fin had finished his food already but Amanda still had her fork in her take out box.  
"No way," she said.  
"Oh common I told you mine," he said as he stretched out on the coach. He felt really good right now. He had sex, his body was refueled with some serious good grub, they were lounging on the coach, watching a basketball game as he'd lured her into a conversation he enjoyed.

"You did not tell me, you bragged," she corrected him and gave him a look over the rim of the box as she took another bite of her chicken noodles.  
"Of course. I was still in middle school, she was a sophomore, any guy would brag about that," he said and looked a little too proud of himself. She huffed at him.  
"You're SVU you prick. It's basically statutory rape," she said with the back of her hand over her mouth to cover up her food as she was still chewing.  
"Oh no it was consensual. More than consensual if I recall right," again looking a little bit too smug. She shook her head at him and tried to keep a straight face even though this conversation and his smugness amused her.  
"Some serious begging going on from her side. Oh Fin oh Fin," he tried to mimic the voice of this Diana he'd just been telling her about.  
"You prick," she repeated but couldn't hide her smile.

"So tell me. Common. Who was your first?" he pleaded but she shook her head again.  
"You were that old?" he smirked: "Don't tell me I was your first?" She knew he was trying to work her up so she would spill but she was determined not to tell him anything of that uneventful passage in her life.  
"Yes oh Fin oh Fin you were my first," she playfully said. He got up and leaned over towards her. She tried to move away from him but he came after. He ran his hands up her leg and up her stomach.

"Watch the food," she said as she tried not to drop the box all over herself and the couch.  
"Tell me," he said as he dug his teeth into her side. She chuckled. He looked up at her and tried to look pleading but it wasn't his strongest face. She opened her mouth to say something and he looked very anticipating.  
"Not telling," she said though and he looked very disappointed.  
"I'll get it out of you one of these days," he said though as he didn't feel like fighting her and instead he just settled down with his head on her stomach. He turned his attention back to the basketball game. Amanda still had some laughter left in her stomach and looked down at him with such affection she was happy he didn't catch her. She picked up some food with her fork and put it down by his mouth. He wasn't slow to open up and he let out a pleasant sound as he chewed.

"Yummy. What did you have?" he said without letting his eyes go of the TV screen.  
"Same as you doofys," she sang.  
"Really, yours tasted much better. Let me try again," he said and she knew he was just fishing for more food. She still fed him another fork and did it with a smile. She wasn't that hungry anyway. She put her box down beside the couch and leaned back a little. She put a hand on his clean-cut scalp and let her fingers draw small figures over it. She felt him take a deep breath and then felt his hand snuggle in underneath her and in between her thighs. When they both found comfortable spots they just settled back and watched the game. Every now and then one of them would comment a nice play or a bad referee call and the other one would mostly agree. They were both in a very content place right now.

Amanda found herself thinking she wouldn't mind having it like this every day. She usually tried to stay in the moment, just be glad for what she had. But then there was moments like this, where she felt so much affection for this man she could barely handle it. She wanted to tell him and everyone around that she… loved him. And not being able to do that bummed her out. Her emotions started to run all over the place in situations like this. Loving him was hard. Most of the time she handled it well but it could be draining. An excellent day like today could make it hard to just act like co-workers tomorrow. But the thought of loving him openly also freaked her out. She bit down on her lip, tried to focus on the game and just enjoy having him near. Soon enough life would throw them a curveball that would make both of them evaluate their feelings for each other.

A few weeks ago Amanda had run into a chain of pedophiles when investigating another case where a young male teen had made some allegations against a teacher. As they searched the teachers computer she found a few interesting links, one that led to a site with pictures of young kids that looked to be from Latin-American. Unfortunately not an uncommon site but she soon found links to the city of New York and she asked Cragen if she could keep on it on the side for the time being. He gave her permission to do so as long as it didn't interfere with the rest of the caseload and that she'd hand whatever information she got over to the right department if it ended up not belonging to their SVU squad. Three weeks later she'd been able to track down some names that she'd run in the system.

The four names, all belonging to men with Mexican descent, came up in the system but only with minor charges. And none of the charges related to sex crimes except for one of them being arrested with a prostitute but never charged with anything. Amanda wondered if their names were just used as a cover front, perhaps they didn't even know their names were being used. She had decided it was probably time to let her captain in on what she'd found and maybe they had enough to start investigating. That Monday, after having spent the night at Fins, she would learn that she'd stumbled upon a much larger case than she thought.

Fin was the first one that got her aware that they were in the presence of someone high and mighty.  
"Uhuh," he said as they walked into the squad room together and he spotted the brunette in captain Cragen's office.  
"What?" Amanda asked curiously.  
"Shit's gonna hit the fan," he said as they kept walking into the squad room. "Special agent Dana Lewis from the FBI." She followed him all the way to his desk eyes on the stranger in the captain's office. He sat down. She looked at Fin, puzzled and curious at the same time.

"You know Stabler?" Fin asked and Amanda nodded, "He called her jinx. He got injured every time she came around," he told her and shot her a vary eye. Amanda looked back up towards the brunette in the office. She couldn't see much of her from that position.  
"What kind of cases does she work?"  
"A little bit of everything I think. A lot under cover. Some supremacist group the last time she showed up if I don't recall all wack. Stabler got shot," Fin got his computer up and running. Amanda walked over to her desk and put her jacket over her chair. She was just about to sit down when Cragen called her name. She looked up and saw him signal for her to come over. She shot Fin a quick look, he looked concern. She walked over to her captain and he asked her to step inside.

"Amanda Rollins, meet special agent Dana Lewis from the FBI," Cragen said and held out his hand towards the brunette as he closed the door with his other hand. Dana held out her hand and Amanda stepped forward to shake it.  
"Detective," the brunette said. Her voice as deep as Amanda's. Amanda wasn't sure how to address the FBI agent and just nodded.  
"Have a seat," Cragen said and went around his desk. Dana sat down and Amanda took the empty seat next to her. She looked to Cragen but turned her head as Dana shifted in her seat so she faced Amanda.

"Javier Vargas, Acuzio Vega, Laszio Herrera, Victor Garza," Dana said and Amanda of course recognized the names. It was the men she'd put in the system last week. She didn't say anything though, just waited for Dana to continue.  
"Why did you run their names?" Amanda got her queue to respond.  
"I've been tracking a child porn site. Their names came up," she said short and concise. Dana's eyes narrowed.  
"How?" she asked.

"How they came up?" Amanda asked and Dana nodded. Amanda looked to her captain unsure how to answer. She'd posted under an alias and was afraid she could get herself and her captain in trouble if she was truthful. But she also knew you had to own up to your wrongdoings at times and if they always played fair they wouldn't catch the bad guys. She turned back to Dana.  
"I sent out some inquires, got information where you could get private viewings, their names came up as either contacts or related to the location," Amanda told her. Dana nodded.

"Servando Gomez?" Dana asked and Amanda shook her head as she wasn't familiar with the name.  
"Servando Gomez Martinez? El Profe? La Tuta?" Dana was talking gibberish to Amanda who again shook her head. Dana nodded and looked over towards Cragen. Both Cragen and Amanda waited for her to speak again. Amanda figured Cragen was probably more informed than her at least but it was clear who ran the shots right now. Dana finally nodded again and started speaking as her head turned towards Amanda again.

"The men you came across work or at least used to work for El Profe, drug lord of a Knights templar cartel in Mexico. I've come across him over the years since he's been trying to run drugs and guns over the border. He's presumed dead though. No confirmed sightings since last year. It's a rough business," Dana gave Amanda a hint of a smile before she continued. "El Profe dabbled in human trafficking, prostitution, as is somewhat common. Young girls involved but never kids that I know of. But if there's a business these guys will sniff it out. Javier Vargas was fairly high up in the cartel. He has connections if nothing else. The rest, just hired guns. Trigger-happy. Deadly," Dana gave her a serious look as to warn her.

"You want us to back off?" Cragen asked. Dana thought about it but then shook her head.  
"It won't interfere. Servando is the king pin. Javier could have intel so if you do catch him alive I wouldn't mind talking to him," Dana said and Cragen nodded. Dana stood up and Amanda instinctively just did the same.  
"I'll send you what little I got on them. Good luck detective," Dana said and extended her hand. Amanda took it, Dana turned to Cragen, said his name and then headed out. Amanda kept looking after her for a while not entirely sure what had just occurred. When her captain spoke she turned immediately.

"You want to tell me what you got?" he said with a soft smile on his face. She nodded, relieved he didn't seem angry and sat back down.


	6. Cop killers

Cragen would give Amanda and Fin two days to really dwell into it all and it would turn out to be all they needed. Amanda managed to intercept a conversation about a shipment who was coming to New York within a few days. They used the term 'los ganados' which apparently meant cattle but they had also talked about niños that even Amanda knew meant children. Cragen decided they had to intervene before these kids got to any potential customers and the entire squad got involved. They learnt that the men had bought a few properties all over town. It looked like they were setting up shops around that would front their dirty business. One of these properties were a bar that they seemed to pay extra attention and money on to restoring. According to the ground plans the bar had a huge underground storage area that could be used for their shady business. The aim was to close this one down before it even got started. Amanda had saved all the screen names and ip addresses from the website and would hand it over to the Child pornography media room once they were down. Maybe they would be able to locate some of the children exploited on the site and hopefully track some of the pedophiles down. They would focus on the children that might be coming to their town soon.

A new intercepted conversation let them know the shipment was arriving in two days. They had a date. They still wasn't sure exactly what the shipment would exist of but Cragen decided they had to be there and he called in SWAT. Dana had warned them these men were deadly so they were in need of help to bring them down and get the shipment in safety. They met with the SWAT team leader and went over the ground plans with him. They had two possible routes for the truck to arrive. They were hoping for no gunfire at the front of the building since there was a potential risk for civilians to get hit then. If they arrived from the back, which was more logical cause that's where the shipping dock was at, it would be safer for everyone involved. There was a large empty lot behind the building and low buildings around where they could put snipers. They had eyes on the building for the next two days. Keeping track on everyone going in and out. Acuzio Vega and Victor Garza were spotted at the sight the day before the shipment was arriving. They seemed to be housed at the location which told them there were rooms probably furnished either on the ground floor or more possibly in the basement where they planned to keep the kids.

Amanda was feeling the anticipation building up and had spent the two last nights at Fin's place. He was good at curing most anything she felt and he didn't disappoint this time either. They had a steady breakfast at a place near the station and then headed in. Olivia and Nick looked as controlled as Amanda felt and there was obvious tension in the squad room this morning. The shipment was arriving around noon so they still had time to go over the plan one more time. The SWAT team would take the lead. The SVU team would hold back. They would be on the ground, behind the first wave of SWAT. Some abandon cars would work well as cover, both from sight and bullets if it came to that. The headed over there with hours to spare just in case and the building they were set up in nearby were buzzing already when they got there. They checked in with the team leader and everything was set. They had eyes all around the neighborhood and Vega and Garza had been spotted along with another unknown Hispanic male. Vega had been spotted having a cigarette at the back of the building. He had a rifle on his back so it looked as though they were gearing up for something.

They took their positions with plenty of time to spare. Fin, Amanda, Olivia and Nick were all dressed in vests and heavily armed. All of them were hunched down by a car. They were all plugged into the SWAT teams channel and heard everything that was said. Another male - white, average built - arrived by car a quarter to twelve at the front of the building and disappeared inside. Not soon after he came out at the back with Vega and the unknown Hispanic as company. They assumed Garza was still inside. They were all armed and seemed to be waiting for something or someone. Vega lit another cigarette just as one of the SWAT team's outlooks informed the team that a white van was spotted further down the street. An older Chevrolet box truck, three men in the front, roll up rear door, "Devon Moving Company" on a sticker on the side. They all knew this could be just a regular moving truck but something told Amanda that this was it. This was what they were waiting for. The suspense was getting to her. She felt Fin's hand on her padded shoulder and turned to him. He was looking away though but his touch made her calm down a bit.

"It's turning. Package has arrived," came the voice over the intercom. The white van soon came into their sights. It didn't drive right up to building though but parked sloppy on the empty lot. The men jumped out and Vargas and Herrera were indentified quickly. They didn't seem armed. The men greeted each other and headed inside.  
"Scotty. Terrance. See if you can reach the van," came the SWAT leader's voice over the intercom. Amanda who had the spot furthers out turned to see the two men coming through the alley and approaching the van. It was parked a little to the side but if they went for the back door they would be spotted if someone looked out from the building. She saw them check the front but apparently there was no door to the back from there because the man jumped out again quickly. Amanda saw him signal the team leader. She knew priority one was to get those kids out of there unharmed and if they could get them out of the there right now it would be the best.

"Stand by. Fingers on triggers," was heard over the intercom just before one of the men went around the van to the back door. Amanda held her breath as the man struggle with the handle. It seemed to be unlocked but still stuck. It made a sound when it finally open and everyone had their eyes on the building waiting for gunfire. Nothing happen though as the SWAT member rolled up the door. Amanda saw only brown moving boxes but it didn't take long until a child was spotted. She arrived from behind a row of boxes, tried to block the light from outside with her hand. She was no more than ten years old, long dark hair, filthy clothes. Even if it was awful to get confirmation they were smuggling kids in it still gave Amanda a sense of relief. This hadn't been for nothing. They were making a different here today.

Behind the girl another face popped up, and then a third. Thankfully the children remained quiet. He helped them out one by one and handed them over to his SWAT team member who was waiting to the side of the van. Emaciated children were soon standing in the yard. Most barefoot, ages from ten down to only five, all Hispanic looking, both male and female. Amanda felt a sense of even more relief as she saw another SWAT member wave them out into the alley. Just as the twelfth child was lifted out a scream was heard from the building. Not soon thereafter Vargas emerged and Amanda hunched down as shots started ringing out. As the initial shock quickly ran off her she looked back over at the van. She saw the SWAT member on the ground, his partner grabbed his vest and pulled him away from the gunfire. The man down looked to be still alive thankfully.

The SWAT team responded quickly to the gunfire. Vargas and two other men were already out in the yard. Vargas went down but the two others hid behind various object and shots started ringing from the building. The SVU team held their heads down knowing that now that the children were safe they should leave the SWAT team to do their job. But no one knew about the 13th kid yet. Unlucky number thirteen. Amanda was the first who spotted him. A teeny tiny creature emerged out of the van. No more than seven. Dark, almost black, short cut hair. A ripped shirt, shorts, barefoot.

"The kid," Amanda screamed over the gunfire and struck Fin over the arm. She caught his eyes briefly as his head came around to look at where at she was gesturing. She turned back to the young boy and everything seemed to go in slow-motion. The gunfire was making holes in the van and seemed to force the boy forward to the opening. She wanted to scream no or get down but knew even if he could hear her he would probably not understand her.

"He's going out," she screamed looking at his scared little face. She looked to the building. Vargas was down and at least a few of the others because the gunfire was thinning out. But she knew they wouldn't hesitate to shoot at the boy. Instinctively, at the same time as the boy jumped out of the van, without much concern for her own life she took off. Fin saw her go and grabbed for her but caught only air. He called out her name but to no use. She didn't even try to keep her head down or fire back, just aimed to get the boy out of harm's way. She felt a bullet graze her right thigh as she ran. It stung bad but didn't slow her step down. She was determined to get to him. Another graze further down on her leg and it made her stumble a bit. She'd locked eyes with the boy though who was standing paralyzed right below the van. He counted on her and she knew she couldn't let him down.

Out of the corner of her eye she saw a man with a gun step out into the yard. He was aiming for the boy with his automatic weapon. He would be hit by bullets from the SWAT team but as he fell to his knees he squeezed the trigger and bullets ran out aimed right for the boy. Amanda got there seconds before though. Took a bullet aimed for the boy's head in the abdomen. If this had been normal bullets the vest would have taken it. But it wasn't. It was cop killers. It went into her side and shot straight through getting stuck in the vest on the other side of her body, just inches from the boys head. The pain was immensely but she stayed up right. Got the boy in behind her body as a second bullet entered her. This one straight to the chest.

The impact of the bullet made her go backwards. Somehow she managed to stay upright long enough to get herself and the boy behind the van. Fin was screaming her name on the other side of the yard as he saw the two go down in a pile behind the van. Olivia was holding on to him but he had no intention of going anywhere. His legs couldn't carry him right now and he knew that if Amanda's chances had been slim, his was next to non-existing to reach the van without being shot. Fin tried to look away for a bit but had to look back over at the van. Neither Amanda nor the boy was moving. He heard the SWAT team leader yelling in the intercom. From the front of the building SWAT was shooting in teargas and soon the smoke came through the building. Two men came out with gun and hands in the air screaming in Spanish. The SWAT team moved in on them. Fin got up as fast as he could. Olivia was right behind him and passed him as they ran across the yard. She landed on her knees right by Amanda's side just seconds before Fin got there. Amanda's eyes were closed but as Liv grabbed a hold of her, her eyes jolted open.

"Amanda," she screamed just as Fin landed on the other side of Amanda's down body. Liv saw the boy's scared face, grabbed a hold of him and pulled him out. He was holding on to Amanda's hand.  
"Check him," she screamed at Nick who came up behind her and she handed the boy off to him. He seemed unharmed. Fin was screaming at Amanda to talk to him as he was ripping her jacket and vest open. Liv helped him as carefully as possible to pull it over her head and get her arms out. They felt Amanda shiver slightly as they moved her. And then they immediately saw the blood all over her chest.

"Fuck," Fin breathed as the revelation hit him. Cop killers. The bullets had gone through her.  
"Paramedics. Get a bus over here," Liv screamed with panic in her voice to everyone and no one. Fin ripped Amanda's shirt open and put his palm down over the wound. Liv saw blood pouring out her side too and tugged at the shirt. Fin moved his knee down in-between Amanda's legs so he could get a better angle to push down on her wound.  
"Another one here," Liv told Fin with panic in her voice as she found the second bullet hole and covered it with both her hands.  
"Need something to…" Liv couldn't find the words but Nick was on it. He was pulling of his own jacket and vest so he could get to his shirt. He handed the jacket to Liv who immediately pushed it to Amanda's side wound. He tore his shirt over his head and handed it to Fin. His light blue shirt turned red a little too fast though as it got bundled and pushed hard against Amanda's chest.

"You'll be fine," Fin told her. "Stay with me Amanda. Hold on. Look at me." Fin kept screaming, keeping his head above hers so he could look down into her eyes. It looked as she tried to say something but then she coughed instead and deep red blood dwelled up her throat. He'd never felt so useless ever before. There was nothing he could do to stop the blood from coming. Her face was calm though. Her eyes still, staring straight up into his.

"Just look at me Amanda," he told her. "Stay with me. The paramedics will be here. They'll help you. Stay with me Amanda." He brought up one of his hands and stroked her cheek gently. He colored her cheek red with her own blood. He stroke away her bangs from her face and leaned down and kissed her forehead briefly.  
"Stay with me," he repeated and caught her eyes again. He shifted hands and pushed down even harder as the blood wouldn't stop coming. He didn't know what else to say than 'stay with me' cause it was all he wanted. As three other words were forming in his head he saw her eyes starting to slowly close.  
"No," he screamed. "Stay with me." But her eyes kept closing and before he could say it she was gone. He never got to say I love you.

As she fell down she felt unable to move. She could hear bullets ringing but they seemed distant. The sound hit her like she was in bowl. The boy. She tried to move her hand, tried to get a hold of him. She found his hand underneath her and when she felt him grab it she could relax. He was safe. At least he was safe. She closed her eyes and drifted off as pain overtook her body and mind. It seemed as only a second but then suddenly all gunfire had stopped and she could feel someone yanking at her. At first everything was blurry but then she saw Olivia's face hovering over her and then came Fin. Fin. She was happy to see him. He didn't look happy though. He was saying something to her, she saw his lips move and she could hear him but she couldn't understand. His eyes kept going downwards.

She felt him yank at her and as they moved her slightly the pain shot through her body. When she saw his face again he looked even more concern. She could hear Olivia's voice in the distant but again had no idea what she was saying. She saw Fin shift above her and she felt his body against her own. He pushed down on her chest and it felt as though he was digging inside of her. Maybe he was. Maybe she was badly hurt she was able to think. He looked like she was. She wanted to calm him down. Wanted to tell him she didn't feel any pain anymore. That she was fine. She figured she probably wasn't but she didn't want him to be in pain. Sweet Fin. She tried to clear her throat as the taste of iron in her mouth was overwhelming. But then whatever it was that was blocking her throat came down and it made it hard for her to breath. She felt her body jerk as she coughed and then the small dots of deep red that hung in the air for what felt like minutes. Fin's face dropped even further. Well this sucks, she thought. As though he'd heard her he touched her cheek. She couldn't feel it as much though but she saw it. And then he leaned down. Kissed her forehead. She wished she could feel that.

His lips kept moving as she saw his face again. She wished she could hear what he was saying. All sounds were gone now. All she heard was her own heartbeat against her eardrums and even that was fading fast. She wondered why her life wasn't rushing in front of her eyes if this was the last seconds she had on earth. Weren't the highlights of your life supposed to rush in front of your eyes as you pulled your last breath? But then it dawn on her. The highlight of her life was in front of her eyes already. Fin. He was the best part of her life. She'd never had anything better. Fin. She felt at ease looking up into his big brown kind eyes. I love you Fin. She thought as her vision started to become blurry. She felt tired. Happy. But tired. She wanted to keep looking at him but she couldn't fight it any longer. She had to rest her eyes now and the next second she was gone.


	7. Cul-de-sac

It felt as though the bus took forever to get there. Three SWAT members were down too. The man who first got hit by the van took a bullet to the stomach and got rushed off by the ambulance that was waiting in stand-by a couple of streets down. The other two SWAT had only minor injuries so the next bus that arrived was for Amanda. Olivia told the paramedics they had located at least two gun shots. She backed off to let them work but Fin kept pressure on her chest as they checked her vitals. He'd lost the ability to speak as he lost contact with Amanda's eyes and just watched as the medic ran through his protocol to assess their patient. When the other paramedics gave Fin a tap on the shoulder he dragged himself backwards and ended up sitting by her legs. Liv came around and helped him up to his feet. She held on to him, both to support him but also to keep herself upright. Nick stood a few feet away in only his wifebeater looking as gloomy as Liv and Fin did. The paramedics worked efficient and quickly.

"She still has a pulse," they heard one of the paramedics say.

Amanda was soon on a gurney with an oxygen mask covering half her face. As they were about to whisk her away Fin seemed to come alive again and he followed the gurney out through the alley. Liv turned to Nick and told him to get the car and drive around. He ran across the yard as Liv followed Fin.

"Don't give up on her. She's a fighter," Liv heard Fin say to the paramedics as she caught up to him. One of the paramedics reassured him they wouldn't as they loaded her into the back of the bus. Liv asked them where they were taking her and she got the answer right before they shut the door. Seconds later they were off with light and sound blasting. Nick came driving up and Liv jumped into the front as Fin went for the back door. Nick took off after the ambulance.

"I should call captain," Liv said and was reaching for her phone when she realized her hands were all covered with blood. She felt her stomach turn and looked up only to catch Nick's eyes briefly. She found no help or hope there. He looked as devastated as she felt. She turned her body backwards to check up on Fin, knowing he must feel even worse. He was hunched down in the backseat. Silent. Head turned outwards, staring aimlessly in front of him. His hands laid palms up in his lap. As hers all covered in blood. He had some of her blood on his jaw too. He looked so very pale. Almost as pale as Amanda had looked right before she closed her eyes. She wanted to say something. Tell him everything would be okay. But she couldn't say it with the belief he needed to hear so she stayed silent and turned back in her seat. To do something she grabbed her phone without looking down on her hands again and speed dialed their captain.

"Yeah. No. It's not. We're on the way to the hospital," she was answering Cragen's question, took a slight pause and then continued: "Amanda. She saved a boy's life. Took his bullets. It's bad." That's all she managed to say. The rest was just hums and she hung up when her captain told her he'd meet her at the hospital. Nick had put the lights out on his car and they had caught up to the ambulance. They followed it all the way to the hospital, its siren trying to interrupt them as they were all caught in their own thoughts. Nick took a right turn as the ambulance drove in to the intake and he parked in the closest lot he could find. Liv and Fin were out before he came to a complete stop and he wasn't far behind. The ambulance was already emptied as they rushed into the emergency room. They followed the commotion and got all the way up to the windows of an emergency room.

The doctors and nurses in there worked quickly. Two nurses were cutting of her pants as a doctor lifted the compress on her chest. A pool of blood formed immediately in the hollowness below her ribs. He quickly put the compress down and yelled some directives to a nurse. Another doctor approached and they saw them roll Amanda's body, probably to check for more entry or exit wounds. A nurse spotted the two faces anxiously peeking inside and came outside. The commotion from inside - the beeps from machines, the yelling, the nerves – became clearer as the doors open briefly. The nurse kindly pushed them back knowing nothing good could come of seeing your friend on stretcher like that.

"They're doing everything they can for her," she tried telling them. She had Liv's attention but Fin was still looking over her shoulder. Nick stood a little to the side, he feared to look inside the exam room.  
"She's breathing?" Liv asked.  
"She has a pulse," the nurse said and Liv knew that was something but also knew avoiding her initial question meant she probably wasn't breathing on her own. The nurse tried to get Fin's attention or perhaps guide him further away but he roughly pushed her hand away and pushed by her, back to the window again.

"I'm sorry, he…" Liv tried but the nurse just shook her head. The nurse got it, she'd been there long enough to have run into all sorts of emotions by now. Then Fin backed away on his own though and Liv understood why when the doors suddenly flung open. A lot of people guided Amanda's gurney passed them. The oxygen mask was replaced by a breathing tube. Machines, lines, fluids were attached to her gurney. A nurse was squeezing a bag of blood that was hooked to Amanda by a needle in her arm. A white sheet was covering her lower half but it was blood spotted already and a larger blood pool was forming on her right thigh area. Her torso was bare but a thick layer of white compress covered her chest. They rushed her by quickly but it played out in slow-motion for Fin, Liv and Nick who watched in horror as their friend looked more dead than alive on that gurney. Fin looked down on the floor as a trail of blood had formed after the entourage.

"They're taking her to OR. Just wait here for me and I'll bring you up to her," the nurse said and hurried down the hall to the admittance desk. Liv took a deep breath and looked from Nick to Fin. Nick was still looking the way the gurney had disappeared to and Fin was looking down on the floor. She followed his eyes and found the trail of blood. Amanda's blood. She took the few steps it took to get over to him and without asking for permission she wrapped her arms around him. It took a few seconds but then she felt one of his arm wrap around her as well. And she needed that. She could feel the usually big strong man shaking and she held on a little tighter. Buried her face on his shoulder and held on. They both felt like crying but none of them did. Liv let go of Fin when she felt Nick's hand on her arm. The nurse was coming back. As soon as she got their attention she waved them to her and they were quick to respond.

"I'll take you upstairs," she said and guided them to the elevators. They rode up in silence. The nurse took them down a hall and pointed out a bench outside some swing doors.  
"I'll see if a floor nurse can set up some other waiting area for you cause you'll probably be in for a long wait, and somewhere you can clean up," the nurse said and smiled at Liv. Liv nodded thankfully.

"But she's in there," the nurse added and pointed to the doors before she left. Fin felt somehow better knowing that he was close to her again. Liv managed a thank you before the nurse disappeared. They were left just standing for a while, no one really knew what to do. Nick was the first one who moved. He was starting to feel a bit nauseated and had a seat. He put his head in his hands and took a few deep breaths. Liv had a seat next to him and put a hand on his back. She'd always felt just a little bit better if she could comfort someone in situations where she was affected herself. She leaned back against the wall and took a few deep breaths herself, leaving her hand on Nick's back.

Fin started to feel contained in the vest he was still carrying and he ripped it off. He tossed it to the floor to the side of the bench and then took a stance a few yards from the doors. Liv finally took her vest off too and put it down by Fin's before she leaned back against the wall again. She tried avoiding looking down on her arms and hands as the now dried blood freaked her out a bit. She wished it would just magically disappear. She looked at Fin who was staring at the swing doors. She saw the concern on his face, in his whole body really. Although she was concerned too she couldn't fully grasp what he was feeling. Sure her partner in the past had close calls but never anything this serious. This was devastating. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes.

This was how Cragen found them as he minutes later rushed down the hall to where a nurse had pointed him. Fin was turned away from him, just standing in the middle of the hallway. Nick and Liv on the bench. Nick dressed in only a wifebeater with his head in his hands. Liv leaned back against the wall with her eyes closed. Her hands laid palm up on her knees. Cragen could see the dried blood that covered them.

"Hey," he said to let them know he was there. Liv open her eyes and slowly got up when she saw him. Fin spun around and Cragen could see the blood on his hands and his face.  
"Have you heard anything?" Cragen asked as he met Liv half way. He gently stroked her shoulder and down on her arm. Liv shook her head. He walked over to Fin who had turned back to the doors. Cragen patted his arm.  
"How are you holding up?" he asked but didn't get an answer. Cragen turned to Nick who had sat up on the bench. He gave the younger man a nod. Nick leaned back against the wall.  
"She'll be fine. She's tough," Cragen said to encourage them but knew it was pointless at this time. Only a good word from the doctor could give them hope right now. But it would be many hours before they heard anything. Another nurse told them they could wait in the waiting area as she figured the operation would take some time but they declined. She told them where they could clean up and Liv thanked her. Fin didn't want to leave at first but Liv talked him into it and they disappeared for a while.

Meanwhile Cragen asked a nurse for a tee for Nick and then sat down to get his account of what had taken place during the strike. Nick told him as accurate as he could remember and there wasn't much really. Everything went very fast. From a clean strike to disaster within just minutes. Nick had many times blamed Amanda for being too quick on her feet, rushing into potential dangerous situations, too eager for her own good. And perhaps he'd say it this time too if he stood eye to eye with her. But it was pointless right now. Pointless to judge. She'd saved that boys life. That was all that needed to be said right now. He was alive with only minor scrapes and bumps from flying bullets and that was thanks to her. When she was upright and all right he could scold her for being reckless, in fact he couldn't wait to be able to do that.

As Fin and Liv got back the nurse arrived with a clean white tee that Nick thanked for and pulled over his head. Cragen asked Liv if she wanted her bench back but she took the floor instead, age before beauty he smiled at her. Fin would soon join her on the floor. The nurse came back a little later and asked if she could get them anything. Liv asked for some water and the nurse went to fetch some for her. She soon came back with four bottles for them all. Liv took care of Fin's too since he was fully concentrated on the doors to the OR.

"Do you know anything," Liv asked as she took the bottle from the nurse. The nurse smiled at her and shook her head.  
"They're still working on her," she said but Liv had a feeling she knew more. As long as they were working on her though there was hope and she couldn't ask for more right now. The SWAT team leader would visit as they waited. His main concern was how Amanda was doing. Cragen asked about his men knowing some took bullets too.

"The two minor has already gone home. My man Scotty took one to the gut. Bad but not critical."  
"The perps?" Liv asked.  
"Five dead, two in custody."  
"The kids?"  
"All fine. Thirteen altogether. Starving but okay. They are being taken care of. We also found two women in the basement. They are being questioned right now." Liv nodded and the team leader turned to Cragen.  
"Your detective saved that boy's life. No one else spotted him. He would have been shot if she hadn't gotten him out of there. You can be proud of her," he extended his hand and Cragen took it.

"My squad always makes me proud," he said and briefly looked around the hallway. The team leader nodded. He told them to keep him informed about her progress, added that he'd told his men to give blood and then said his goodbye. Two officers from their station stopped by a little bit later. The rumor had spread quickly and the entire force took it personal when it was one of them. Cragen told them what little he had and thanked them for checking in. Fin paid no attention to anyone else than the people going in and out of those OR doors. But no one came for him, no one came to talk to him. The nurse checked back two more times. No news though which was all they asked for really. Liv made sure Fin had some of his water.

All but Fin took short walks up and down the hallway every now and then. The stress really got to them and walking it off helped just a bit. Fin found himself unable to walk around though. Every now and then he rested his head in his hands or against his knees but mostly he just kept watching those doors. More than three hours went by which felt like the triple. Then finally a surgeon still in scrubs came out and stopped as soon as he saw them. They all got up to their feet as fast as possible. They could tell by his headpiece he'd been sweating.

"Amanda Rollins?" he said and they all nodded.  
"I'm Doctor Philip Young. I've been working on her for quite some time now. I won't sugarcoat it. It's a miracle she's still hanging in there but she is. Her heart stopped twice during surgery but we were able to bring her back. One bullet went straight through her chest. It only scratched her heart but it did tear some of her arteries making her loose a whole lot of blood. It did some other damage too but that caused us most concern. We're taking a short break but we're soon going back in to look closer at the second wound. It passed through her entire abdomen sideways. So far we've only stopped the bleeding, I can't tell you what damage are done down there yet," the surgeon finally stopped talking.

"What are her chances?" Liv dared to ask. The doctor gave her a serious look before he took a deep breath and then answered.  
"I'm not much for percentage. It will be a long night. If she makes it through the night it will be a long road. I can't give you more than that I'm afraid. Now I really need to get myself rehydrated before I head back in," the doctor gave them a nod and turned on his heel. They were all frozen solid for a while before Nick finally broke the formation. Fin then turned to the wall as he took a few deep breaths. Cragen looked at Liv who looked back at him. Cragen nodded.

"She's hanging in there, you all heard him. She'll make it through the night and we'll help her down whatever road she'll be on," he said trying to sound secure. Liv turned to Fin, concern he was falling apart. But he held himself upright. She reached out and put her hand on his shoulder not knowing what else to do. He shook her of though and started to walk down the corridor. She took a step after him but Cragen grabbed her arm.  
"Give him some space Liv," he said quietly. Liv turned to her captain with tears in her eyes. She knew he was right. There was nothing she could do to help either Amanda or Fin right now. She looked back towards Fin. He kept walking down towards the window in the other end of the corridor.

He stood for a while and looked outside without seeing anything. Everything was a blur. Then his vision cleared and he saw the sun setting behind a building. Amanda loved sunsets, and sunrises. Something so refreshing about them both, she'd told him once. He'd never thought of either of them as refreshing. But seeing her watch a sunset with those clear blue eyes were refreshing. He feared he'd never be able to see that again.

As the last rays of the sun disappeared behind that building he suddenly remembered a poem, or perhaps a prayer, his mother used to recite some nights. He used to hear her through the thin wall. It was something about the lord keeping his eye on all poor creatures born to die. It had given him chills to hear it as a child but now it brought tears to his eyes as he recalled his mother's voice and that last paragraph; _Bless us all this night I pray, and to the sun we all will bow, and say, good bye but just for now._


	8. ICU

A nurse came out after about two hours and told them that they had run into complications in the OR but that their friend was hanging in there. Not the best news but at least it was news. The not knowing was driving everyone a little crazy. No one said much and the thoughts going around each and everyone's head didn't help keep them sane. Nick took a stroll down to the cafeteria and got them all each a sandwich and a cup of coffee. He got some chocolate bars to fill the tray as well and headed back upstairs. Fin was the only one not eating but Liv got him to at least have some coffee.

Four hours and twenty minutes later the doctor came back outside. If he'd looked sweaty the last time he looked drenched this time around. A female in scrubs was accompanying him.

"She made it through surgery. First small step. While we were patching up her stomach area she had a seizure. It was caused by, or caused another bleed so we had to open up her chest again. Her heart stopped once more but we got it going again. I think we've managed to control the chest area now. There's always a concern of infection and clots but we'll watch for that. The second bullet did some damage to her intestine but somehow managed to miss all the vital organs. We had to finish up early so we might have to go in again in a day or two and have another look. Right now though her body can't take much more. She needs to recuperate and get more blood into her system until it's safe to put her through anymore. We also stitched up two superficial wounds on her right thigh. As for her brain it's too soon to say what damage was done by the lack of oxygen. Time will tell. Have you contacted her next of kin?" the doctor asked and Cragen nodded. He'd contacted her old captain from Atlanta, Sam Reynolds, after the last time the doctor was out. He'd asked Sam to get in contact with her folks and get them here as soon as possible.

"They're out of state but will be here asap," Cragen informed the doctor who nodded.  
"I'm handing her over to my very competent colleagues at ICU now and as soon as they've cleaned her up nurse Reiner here will be back out and take you to her if you want to see her," the doctor gestured to the woman behind him who gave them a somber smile as they looked at her.  
"When will she wake up?" Liv asked. The doctor looked as though he was choosing his words carefully.  
"We have her in a drug infused coma. She's not able to breath for herself and I can't tell you when she will be. It will be days before we even let her try to," he looked at her seriously, making sure she got him.

"Anything else you want to know?" he asked. He'd looked as though he was drained and wanted to head home when he first came out but his demeanor changed. As though he let their concerns overweight his own tiredness. They all appreciated it but really didn't know what to ask. They all just wanted him to tell them she'd be back to her old self in a day or two but they all knew the doctor couldn't do that for them.  
"Nurse Reiner and the ICU team will be able to answer your questions if you think of any. And I'll be back tomorrow as well," he said as he could tell they were all stunned. Cragen thanked the doctor and then there were only the four of them again. They shattered a bit in the hallway. No one felt any more at ease with the news. It would take another half an hour until the nurse showed up again.

"I'll take you to her," she said and led the way down the hallway. "Do you have any questions?" she asked once in the elevator. Liv and Cragen shook their heads. Nick and Fin remained quiet.  
"This way," the nurse said and gestured to the left as they got out of the elevator. They could all see the doors to the ICU though. There was an eerie silence in there but also a comfortable calm. They passed a few rooms with closed doors until they got to the center of the ward with the big round desk. Around it were all rooms with big glass windows. Inside every room a bed but not all were occupied. The ones that were had lots of equipment by the beds. Machines beeping, lines and tubes. It was scary to know that one of these patients was Amanda. They all looked so very broken.

Fin was eager to see her though. He wanted to rest his eyes on her anyway she looked. Nurse Reiner said something quietly to one of the many nurses behind the giant desk, too quietly for anyone of them to hear. But the nurse smiled and then looked over at the company with the same kind smile. Nurse Reiner gestured for them to follow. She went around the roundabout with them in tow and then headed into one of the glass rooms. Fin was first behind her and slowly walked around the bed as he saw Amanda's slim form underneath the sheet. She looked so very tiny and fragile on that bed. A screen above her head were drawing lines of her heartbeat and there was a beeping sound with every beat. He could barely see her face behind the breathing tube. She was hooked up to an IV line with clear liquid and one that was attached to not one but two bags of blood.

He reached out for her hand on the bed and then let his hand run up her bare arm. They'd cleaned her up good. Her skin clean and pale, dressed in a white gown and her hair entwined to one side of her face. He walked all the way up to her head, leaned in over the breathing tube that was hanging in the air above her. He needed to see her face. Wanted to see those clear blue of hers but of course he couldn't. They'd even taped them shut. He reached in underneath the tube so he could put his hand on her. He let his fingers in underneath her bangs, stroke her hair to the side. He wasn't afraid to touch her.

Liv on the other hand was. She'd walked in right behind him and walked up on the other side of the bed. She watched the clamp on her finger, the blood line going into her arm, the giant tube going down her throat and the chest rising and declining with every move a big pump to the side of the bed made. It looked bad. It looked scary. She carefully reached out and just barely touched her hand with her fingertips. Even with the slim touch she could tell Amanda felt cold.

"She's heavily medicated. No pain," the nurse told them calmly, "The breathing tube often looks scary but it's actually the best thing for her right now. She doesn't have to waste any energy on breathing, she can just focus on healing." Nick, who was left standing by the nurse side nodded as he took in the information. Cragen had walked up after Liv and tried to have a peek at his down detective. It tore at his heart to see her like this. 'You better not quit on me,' he thought to himself as he looked up at the pump that was breathing for her.

"She's cold," Fin suddenly said without looking up. More a statement but the nurse nodded.  
"The blood loss. We've upped the temperature in the room but it takes a while before the room adjusts. I'll have a nurse fetch a blanket for her meanwhile," she said but remained there for a while if they had any more questions for her.

"She doesn't like to be cold," Fin said with a lower voice and Liv gave him a sad look. This must be so hard for him she thought. A few minutes went by in silence. Nick was able to drag himself to the end of her bed at least. The nurse excused herself to go get a blanket and when she came back Liv and Cragen stepped back so she could get access to the bed. Fin helped her drape the blanket over her, carefully once over her arms so not to pull any lines out. The nurse did this for Fin, she knew it didn't matter much for Amanda but taking care of patients meant taking care of their loved ones too.

"I'm going to stay with her until her parents get here," Fin told the nurse. Again more a statement but the nurse nodded. This was no place to argue and it wasn't the first time they had a cop on the ward. She knew that the police department was a big family. A partner was like a wife or a husband. Reiner figured this was her partner and she was happy to know someone would be here with her. The nurse had been with this patient for hours now. She knew this was a bad case, could go either way. But every patient, conscious or not, needed someone to hold their hand.

"You have a chair by the wall. I'm going down to the OR again but the nurses right outside will answer any questions you might have and get you anything you need. Don't hesitate to ask," she told him and gave him a brief smile even though he didn't look at her. She gave the others a smile too before she left the room. Liv, Cragen and Nick looked around at each other. Neither knew what to say really.

"You want me to wait with you?" Liv finally asked. He seemed paralyzed hovering above her. One hand still on the side of her head, carefully picking at the strands of her hair, the other one carefully resting on top of the blanket that was covering her arm. She wasn't sure if he'd heard her and was just about to ask again when he finally answered.  
"I rather be alone with her," he said quietly, with a flat voice.  
"Are you sure Fin?" she needed reassurance. He nodded without lifting his head. Liv gave Cragen a quick look. She felt like pushing, intruding, didn't want to leave him alone like this but if she knew him right he was being bluntly honest as always and he rather be alone right now.  
"Will you text me during the night? Let me know how she's doing," she asked instead. Again it took a while but then;  
"I will," the flatness in his voice worried her.  
"And will you promise to call me if _you_ need anything? At any time during the night Fin. Call me," she told him, had to wait a while but then got a nod.  
"We'll be by in the morning," Cragen spoke up. Fin heard him from a far but never reflected on them leaving.

He remained standing there for quite some time. Another nurse finally emerged.  
"I'm Claire. I'm one of the night nurses," she said. Fin didn't look up but noted she had a pleasant voice. Out of the corner of his eye he could see her move around slightly on the other side of the bed. She had some papers in her hands and she seemed to be writing down something on them.  
"You think she's still feeling cold?" the nurse asked when she was done putting down the patients stats on the sheet. She'd seen that the man's hand sneaked underneath the blanket and that he was probably holding on to her hand or arm.  
"Not as much," he said quietly.

"Yeah her temperature has gone up a bit but it's still low. You can see it there," she pointed across the bed to the screen above, to the left of the bed. Fin managed to break his gaze and followed her finger up to the screen.  
"Bottom left," she said and his eyes found the degree. He nodded.  
"To the right of that number you'll see her pressure and even further right her heartbeat. It should be between 60 and 100 so you can see it's a little low but it's normal in her condition," the nurse reassured him. He kept his eyes on the screen.

"Let's get you seated," the nurse finally said and went around to get the chair of the wall.  
"It's been a long day for the both of you," she said as she got the chair off the ground and carried it over to him. He felt the chair against the back of his knees and he let go of Amanda's face so he could sit down. He felt unable to fight the nurse. He just willingly sat down.  
"Can I get you anything? Something to eat or drink perhaps?" Claire asked but he shook his head.

"Well I'll keep bugging you during the night. We need to check her every 30 so we'll be in and out all night. You'll find the gents down the hall, where you came in," she told him and he thought he heard a slight familiar dialect. Not as southern like Amanda but hinting towards her part of the country. And then for the first time he looked away from Amanda and up at the nurse. She had dark hair in a ponytail, kind brown eyes, in her 30s perhaps, average build and all dressed in white. She came across as kind.  
"Thanks," he said, he appreciated her gestures but was unable to smile at her. She smiled at him though.  
"She needs peace and quiet but I don't think she'd mind to hear your voice," she gave him a nod before she headed out. He turned his eyes back at the woman in the bed again. He dug out her hand from underneath the blanket and put her palm to his lips as he leaned in. He wrapped her hand in both of his and tried to find parts of her face through the tube and lines.

"Okay you. If you can hear me... I hope you can hear me. Don't you try and duck out on me you hear. I need my sidekick. Yeah you heard me right, my sidekick. I dare you to wake up and tell me it's the other way around," he leaned down and put his cheek against her arm. It started to catch up to him. Everything that had happen. From seeing her run across the yard. Trying to catch her but grabbing air. The sun catching her hair as she ran. Seeing her flinch as a bullet hit her. How she even when shot managed to reach the boy but then that fatal shot brought her down. Cop killers. Why? Had it only been a regular bullet. It would have hurt but she'd been awake now he figured. She'd be able to breath for herself. She'd be more alive than dead.

He tried talking to her but it felt weird when she couldn't talk back. And the nurses came in and out every half an hour. It was just passed eleven pm when he texted Liv a short message. Status quo was all he wrote and he got one back saying she was thinking of them both. Not long after that suddenly the machines started beeping irregular and Amanda's body spasm once and then once more. Fin jumped out of his chair. Two nurses, one of them Claire, came rushing in. Claire put a stethoscope to Amanda's chest as the other nurse rushed by Fin to get to the monitor. A doctor came rushing in. Claire gave him some stats and he told them to give her 2 cc of something that sounded like gibberish to Fin. The machine kept beeping irregular and Fin shook his head as he got this wasn't good. Not good at all. A few more nurses had entered and the room was buzzing now.

"Let's get her on a table," the doctor finally said and the nurses started unhooking her from the wall. Claire managed to make her way over to Fin.  
"Heart is beating. It's probably a bleed. It's common. Try and stay calm. Stay here. I'll be back asap," she told him with a hand on his arm. He heard her but kept his eyes on Amanda as they wheeled her out of there. It didn't take many seconds before he was left standing all alone in the room. He stood there for quite some time before he was able to move a single muscle. And then he felt very weak so he immediately sat down. I should never have sent that text to Liv he thought to himself. He'd jinxed her. He scolded himself until Claire finally came back. She didn't have much to tell him though. Just that they brought Amanda back in the OR, that a doctor Washington was working on her and they would page her the minute they were done.

"I'll be right back," she said after some silence. She would be back soon. This time with another chair and a water bottle that she touched him with until he finally took it from her. She put the chair down so he got some space and then she sat down.  
"Drink some. She's going to need you so you need to take care of yourself until she's better," she told him. He felt so terribly weak that he didn't know if he could unscrew the cork but of course he was able to when he finally tried. He took a few big gulps and it felt somewhat refreshing he had to admit.

"She's your partner right?" Claire finally asked and Fin nodded after a slight hesitation. He wasn't really in the mood to talk. Didn't want anyone to think he needed to be comforted. He rather see they put all their efforts on Amanda. But he didn't want to be rude, didn't really have the strength to be either to be honest.  
"Special victims. You must see some really bad stuff out there," she said with a kind smile and he nodded again.  
"Partner's for long?"  
"A year and a half," he managed to answer. A pause.  
"She transferred from Atlanta. That's where she's from. You'd know if you heard her," he smiled slightly.  
"Yeah? Heavy accent?" she smiled back. He didn't really answer just kept smiling slightly. His smile faded though as the scary thought that he'd never get to hear her voice again went through his mind.

"She's a good partner then I take it?" Claire asked quickly as she saw the smile wither. Fin nodded.  
"The best," he whispered.  
"That's important when you're working in such a harsh field. I know. It's not the same but the same goes in here, you need to be able to trust the person you're working next too." Fin nodded understandingly. The room fell quiet for a while.

"I heard she saved a boy?" Claire asked and Fin again nodded.  
"You get to do that a lot? Save people?"  
"Not as often as you hope. Many are dead when we get them but we at least get to stop it from happening again by the same hands. Most of them are victims when we get them, dead or alive. They're scarred whatever we do. But you hope it helps a little when we catch whoever hurt them," he met her eyes briefly.

"I'm sure it does." She went on to tell him a little about her work. How she mostly saw her patients in a very bad state but how she secretly followed up. Felt a need to make sure they kept on making progress when they left her ward. He knew why she did that and confessed he used to try and do that when he first started SVU. He wasn't sure when he'd stopped though, or why. Perhaps it was because the ones he did follow up on usually didn't do well at all. The scars, physical and mental, haunted them for the rest of their lives. It wasn't something that would disappear once they left the hospital or police station. He finally just decided he had to think about those who were potential victims. And those golden, rare moments when you actually got to save one from being scarred at all. That boy Amanda saved would hopefully turn out to be one of those. They talked for a while longer until Claire's beeper went off.

"They're out. I'll go and check. I'll be right back though," she said and took the chair over to the wall before she disappeared. He checked his watch. He wasn't sure when they'd taken her but it was passed midnight now. He would have to wait yet another twenty minutes before he finally heard something down the hall and soon they wheeled her in again. Claire immediately walked up to him as they hooked her up to the wall of machines again.

"Sorry it took a while. But it's rather good news. She had a bleed but it was caused by a blood clot. A blood clot that could have killed her if it reached her heart. They fixed it and patched her back together," she touched his arm lightly.  
"Could she have another one?"  
"Another clot?" Claire asked and Fin nodded.  
"Yes. Unfortunately. She's getting medicine for it but we can't thin out her blood too much since she's still running thin on it in her system. It's a fine balance but doctor Washington has adjusted the levels now and hopefully this won't cause any more problems," she gave him a smile and rubbed his arm gently. The nurses were thinning out again and soon it was just the three of them in there again.

"I'll be back in a while. Call me if you need anything," she said and left them alone. Fin pushed the chair back to her bed but before he sat down he leaned through the tubes and lines that again were blocking his view. He touched her face carefully. He figured someone probably just minutes ago had their hand inside her. Perhaps even touched her heart. And now here she lay again. Looking frail but peaceful.

"Don't scare me like that again you hear? Enough drama for a while, comprende?" He let his fingers run down the side of her head a few times before he sat back down. He contemplated texting Liv with the last hour's events but he figured she was better off not knowing. But just minutes later he got a text and it was Liv. She let him know Amanda's mother was arriving early morning and she would, together with Cragen, get her at the airport and drive her over. No mention of the father. She ended with a hopeful '_I hope you're both doing alright!'_

He put his phone down and grabbed Amanda's hand. He anxiously waited for something to happen again. But the machine kept beeping in a slow but steady rhythm and no levels on the screen rose or sunk to alarm anyone. Every now and then he'd fall asleep with his head close to her arm but it never lasted long. Every 30 minutes Claire or some other nurse entered. Claire got him a tray with a hot coffee, a sandwich and a yoghurt as morning approached. He managed to get the coffee and yoghurt down but anything solid right now didn't go well with his stomach.

At seven thirty he got a text from Liv that they were on their way from the airport with her mother. He didn't really feel nervous or curious to meet her. With everything going on he mostly felt sad she was coming because it meant he couldn't be alone by her side any longer. There had been times in the past though when he was curious. Amanda didn't speak of her parents much but he'd read between the lines and got that her father had at one point been her biggest role model but somehow fell off the throne. And he fell hard. He didn't want to probe though so he hadn't asked any questions on how or why or when. She rarely spoke of him. Fin had no idea if the parents were even married or not.

He knew she kept in touch with her mom though. She'd huff and puff whenever her number came up on her phone and she'd always let it go to voicemail when he was around. Again reading somewhat between the lines he got she wasn't the loving, home-made bread type of mom. He knew she was a dental hygienist and that's why Amanda and her sister had such perfect teeth. Amanda said during a late night talk in his bed that her mom's catchphrase was 'a pretty smile can get you anywhere'. To which she'd rolled her eyes and said it was odd since it came from a woman who never smiled.

When he'd tried to ask her something else about her mom Amanda had rolled over on top of him and got him distracted immediately. She was good at it, distracting him. Come to think of it she did that often. Sure they both were in it for the sex mostly but the few times he actually felt like wanting to know more and articulated it she found a way to sway him. Not that he mind but now he felt like he wished he knew more about her, about her parents that he'd soon meet for the very first time. And for the very first time he felt like he wanted someone to know that they weren't just partners, that they actually meant more to each other than just that. And this was what he was thinking about when he heard people coming around the front desk.

As soon as they emerged in the door he stood up, he kept her hand in his though. He briefly met the woman's blue eyes. This was clearly Amanda's mother. They shared many facial features, the same height and same slim figure. She was obviously older though but she'd aged well and if it weren't for a somewhat old fashioned hairdo she would probably be able to pass for younger than her actual age. She looked away quickly though, down to her daughter in the bed and her hands went up over her mouth in a shocked manner. She stepped forward all the way to the bed and let her mouth go with one hand so she could grab her daughter's hand. Liv and Cragen had walked in after the mother but Fin hadn't really seen them. Now though Liv came around and gave Fin a brief hug.

"Rough night?" she asked and looked at him carefully. He nodded quickly before he turned his attention back to the mother. He'd let go of Amanda's hand at some point without knowing it and for some reason that made him feel like a coward. Fin found out that the mother had been briefed outside on her daughter's condition. Her name was Bonnie he learnt as Cragen stepped forward and officially introduced them. Fin couldn't remember that Amanda had ever mentioned her name before. No hands were shaken but Bonnie gave him a look and a nod at least. Cragen went on to let Fin know that the doctor had told them Amanda was in critical condition and that it still could go either way. And during the car ride over Liv had told Bonnie what happen when Amanda was shot. Claire came in and said hi to the mother. Bonnie didn't pay much attention to her though but as she switched an IV bag Bonnie asked what she was doing and Claire calmly and clearly let her in on what was in the bag of fluids and why Amanda was given it. That seemed sufficient enough for the mom and she let Claire carry on.

Cragen turned to Fin again after a while and said; "We haven't really decided anything but I just mentioned briefly to mrs Rollins that Amanda's apartment isn't that far from the hospital and since she will need to take care of herself maybe she could sleep there instead of at a hotel. Do you by any chance know where her keys are Fin?"  
"I know where she keeps them," Fin said shortly. He didn't feel like he could tell them that he actually had a set of her keys on his own keychain that was in his pocket as they spoke.

"Good. I think her place is a good environment during these trying times. I'll be back later tonight and I'll take you over there whenever you feel ready to mrs Rollins," Cragen said but Fin interrupted.  
"I'll take you. Makes more sense since I've been there a few times, I'm sure I can remember my way around," he said and directed it straight to Bonnie. She gave him a quick nod.  
"Please call me Bonnie," she said and Fin thought he saw a hint of a smile on her face. She kept a suspicious eye on him though but Fin knew it could just be his tired mind playing tricks on him.

After that Fin, Liv and Cragen left so Bonnie could be alone with their daughter. Fin didn't really want to leave. He was afraid he would never see Amanda again and the thought made him feel slightly panicky. As they left the room and headed for the exit Claire stopped Fin by calling out his name.  
"You have a number we can reach you at? I'll put you on the notification list. That way they'll release any information they have to you when you call in." Fin appreciated this gesture much more than he was able to let on. Liv handed him her notepad and Fin wrote down his number with a pen Claire gave him.  
"Thank you," he said as he handed the note and the pen to the kind nurse.  
"Of course. I'll see you around okay. Get some sleep," she smiled and then left them.  
"That's nice of her," Liv said as they went for the exit. Fin was too tired to respond. Cragen wanted to drive him home but Fin was relentless on making his own way home even though Cragen kept on insisting and Liv tried to convince him too. Fin was the most bullheaded of the three of them though and they finally had to watch him walk off.

"Will he be okay?" Cragen asked hoping Liv would have the answer.  
"When she's awake he will be," was all she could say and they got in the car to drive to the station.

Fin had insisted on not taking up the offer his captain gave because he didn't want to go home. There was only one place he wanted to be at right now if he couldn't be by Amanda's side and that was the place that she called home. It took him a while but he needed some air and he walked to her place. He stopped by her door for a while, wanting to be able to knock on it and see her face as she open it the minute later. That smile of hers whenever he came knocking. He didn't care if it was only the sexual arousal beaming through her face. He loved that smile of hers and he probably had the same one on his whenever one of them came knocking. That happy feeling he'd felt for a second as those thoughts rushed through his mind instantly vanished as it felt as something tighten around his chest. What if he never got to see that smile again? How could he go on without seeing that smile again? It was unthinkable.

He quickly put the keys in the door and went inside. He smashed the door shut behind him and put his forehead against it as he caught his breath. He stayed like that until he felt able to move again. Then he kicked off his shoes and walked inside. The apartment was too quiet for him to even try and pretend she was there. She would always have the TV or her iPod on, she said they drained out the loneliness. Once he was there though she didn't need it and he made her shut them down cause the only sound he wanted to hear was the delightful ones she made in bed with him. And after they'd made beautiful love the only sound he wanted to hear was her soothing breath as she fell asleep next to him or her humming in the shower. The thought of her humming in the bathroom made him walk that way.

He passed the living room where everything was in its perfect place as always. Only the throw on her sofa was disturbed. It lay bundled in a corner as though she'd just been sitting there, rushed up for some reason and thrown in off herself as she got up. The door to her bedroom was somewhat shut and he pushed it open carefully. He walked inside and up to her bed. The spread lay perfect over her bed. He slipped his jacket off and threw it at the foot of the bed. He pulled the spread down so he could reach her pillow. He brought it up and pushed it against his face. He took a deep breath and hoped it would smell of her. But he could only smell the fresh scent of her detergent. It wasn't that bad though, it still reminded him of her. He lay down on her bed and pushed his face down into the pillow. He was so tired he couldn't even cry. The tears burnt the inside of his eyelids as they fell shut. He welcomed darkness. He fell right asleep.


	9. While you were sleeping

**Hi, sorry for the long wait. I got the flu. Topped it with pneumonia. I just never do things the easy way. Lol. Good news though, I'm up, antibiotics are working and best of all - I'll have 10 days home from work now and I can't wait to spend them on my fanfic. **  
**Thanks for the reviews. Cheered me up once I got up out of bed and I love writing this. Don't want to spoil things too much but I do have a lot in store for these two...**

**Happy reading & happy Easter!**

**XXX**

He would wake up about four hours later and sit up groggily. He had no trouble remembering where he was though and what had happen yesterday. He looked over at her bed stand to see what time it was. He then reached for his jacket so he could get his phone out. No missed calls or texts. He cleared his throat as he dialed directory assistance and asked to get transferred to the hospital.

"ICU," he said as the reception answered. Someone answered almost immediately.  
"Could I get an update on Amanda Rollins condition?" he asked. There was a slight pause, he figured the nurse who had answered checked his number. He did appreciate that they kept security tight but he couldn't find out soon enough that she was still breathing.  
"Yes, there's no change I'm afraid. She's still in critical condition," the nurse started out on a happier tone than she ended with.  
"But she hasn't been back in surgery or anything?"  
"No, no. Critical but stable," she said and Fin sighed thankfully.  
"Is her mother still with her?" he asked.  
"Yes, mrs Rollins are in with her."

"Okay, thanks," he hung up happy to hear at least she had someone with her. He lay back down and dropped the phone next to him. He didn't think he would be able to but he fell asleep again and caught another few hours of much needed sleep. The phone would wake him up. Scared it would be the hospital calling he immediately grabbed his phone. It was a text though and he was able to take a breath. The text was from Liv. She was just checking in, writing she hoped he would reach out if he needed something or someone to talk to. He wasn't sure what to answer so he just let it be. He dialed the hospital again. Went through the same procedure again. And again a nurse told him nothing had changed in her condition. Not for the worse but not for the better either. He thanked her and hung up.

He sat back up and looked around as he took a few breaths to properly wake up. Even though the room lacked personal items such as photos and frames of family it was still so much her. The dark green walls, the deep purple bedspread and curtains. The furniture made of dark wood, the odd piece of art above her bed. Her old boots hanging on a wall as a decorative. The signed Atlanta Braves jersey she was so proud of. Beside the jersey a hand painted sketch of a softball and a bat beside a dugout. Hand painted by Amanda herself in an art class in high school. She was gifted at it but too restless to truly commit to it. No she was more the running, softball playing, active type of girl. In a way his total opposite. On his free time he liked to lay back. Play videogames, watch movies, sit around and just listen to music. The only energy he liked to waste was in bed with a beautiful woman. That's where the two of them met perfectly. Besides how fierce the two of them were at work, out on the streets catching bad guys or in the interview room nailing some scumbag's ass to the wall, they were top notch in the bedroom. He couldn't ask for anything more. She gave him everything he needed and more.

As laid back as his body was he preferred his mind to be as well and he hadn't analyzed what they were doing so much. But now it dawn on him just how big of a part she had in his life. Such a big part he wasn't sure he could go on without her. He didn't like his own trail of thoughts and went in to the bathroom to use the toilet. When he was done and standing by the sink he again got lost in his thoughts. He looked through her toiletries. Imagined her standing there using them every morning. Again he had to shake himself to be able to pull away from his own thoughts. He then went into the kitchen and had a look in her fridge. As usual it wasn't much in there. He decided to go down to the corner store and get some supplies for her mom. It was still too early for him to head back to the hospital and he needed to occupy himself. So he took a stroll down to the store. He kept seeing her everywhere though. He knew she liked this corner store even if it didn't have a lot. She'd mentioned sometimes the store owners name but he couldn't remember it now and it frustrated him. Why didn't he pay more attention to what she told him.

Fin walked back to her apartment and called the hospital as he was packing up the groceries. Nothing had changed with her condition. He walked into the bedroom and made the bed so it would be set for her mom when they got there. He went out into the living room and took a seat on her couch. He managed to sit there for almost an hour as he pictured her moving around the apartment. He hadn't spent much time in that room. He saw mostly her bedroom whenever he was there. He rarely spent the night. He wasn't sure why not, now that he thought about it. He did enjoy her company and he loved when she spent the night at his place. For some reason, even how late it might be, he liked waking up in his own bed. In his own place where he knew where everything was. He was an inconsiderate lazy bum he thought to himself and sighed.

He didn't even have a toothbrush here. She had one at his place. He'd set her up with one since she spent so many nights there. But she hadn't given him one, probably because he rarely spent the night. He wondered now how that made her feel. He'd do his business and then he left. He'd never ever stopped and wondered how that made her feel. If she felt lonely in her bed once he'd gone. If she felt used or if she perhaps just wished he could stay and hold her. He knew she wasn't like him. That she didn't wipe off emotions as easily as he did. He was scared now that he'd hurt her. Even if only one of those times when he left had she felt lonely or used he regretted it. He swore to never do it again if only she could wake up. If only they could go back to yesterday morning. It had been one of those rare mornings when she didn't wake up before him. He'd found her on his arm. She'd looked so very peaceful there. Like she belonged there next to him. He'd taken the opportunity to stare at her, when he did that when she was awake she always blushed and looked away. So he'd taken his time now to let his eyes run over her face. He had such a vivid memory of that morning and all he wished for was to be able to go back there.

It was close to seven when he stepped back into the ICU ward. He recognized some of the nurses at the desk but Claire didn't seem to be around. He carefully knocked on the glass window before he stepped inside. Amanda's mother was sitting by her bed. The machines were beeping and Amanda looked just the same as when he'd left.

"Hello again," her mom said and Fin nodded as he approached the bed.  
"No change I'm afraid," she continued and directed her eyes back on her daughter.  
"Yeah I heard," Fin said quietly as he carefully touched Amanda's arm. She felt a bit warmer now, the blanket was gone.  
"They say all we can do is wait. She's so drugged that even if she wanted to wake up she couldn't. Doesn't that thought just terrify you? I mean wanting to wake up but not being able to. It terrifies me," he was surprised to hear her talk this much. He could see the tears in her eyes. After a pause he'd asked if she wanted to go over to Amanda's place but she asked for a little more time and of course he'd grant it to her.

Within the hour though they were driving over the bridge to Amanda's apartment. He had caught Bonnie hesitating whether or not to sit in the back or the front seat. She'd finally decided on the passenger seat and buckled in quickly.

"Is this your first visit to New York?" Fin asked and Bonnie nodded.  
"I've barely left Georgia before," she said while keeping her eyes on the city outside the car window.  
"My daughters surely didn't inherit their restless spirits from me," she spoke with a broad southern accent but she didn't have Amanda's deep voice. Bonnie's rang lighter. Not much else was said during the drive. Fin kept his eyes on the road ahead. Fin asked if she wanted to make a stop at some restaurant to get some takeout but Bonnie said she'd eaten at the hospital. That she wasn't that hungry and would probably head straight to bed anyway. He parked right outside Amanda's front door and he carried her single bag upstairs as he led the way. He stepped in a head of her and placed the bag in the middle of the living room.

"The bedroom is in there," he pointed. "You have her car in the garage and the keys by the door if you want to drive in in the morning."  
"I ain't comfortable driving in the city," Bonnie said short.  
"You want me to come pick you up?" Fin offered.  
"No, no, I'll take a cab once I wake up," Bonnie tried a smile but it didn't reach her eyes.  
"Okay but I'll leave my card for you in case you change your mind. I've stocked the fridge a bit. You'll find a small grocery store on the corner if you need anything, there's a decent thai restaurant just around the corner and the coffee bar across the street serves iced tea Amanda has told me in case you have a craving for it," Fin got a nod from Bonnie and he handed her the keys along with his card. He started to pull himself towards the door and Bonnie took a few steps after him.

"You'll be at the hospital?" she asked and he turned slightly so she'd catch his nod.  
"You'll call if anything changes?" he turned completely so he was sure she saw him nod.  
"Thank you. See you in the morning then," she said not even trying a smile.  
"Anytime. Do try and catch some sleep. Good night." He closed the door behind him and headed down stairs. He wanted to go back to the hospital as quickly as possible.

This would be the routine for the next couple of days. Her mom would take the day shift and he would spend the nights with her. He'd come in and drive her to Amanda's place every evening. Sometimes she took him up on his offer to bring take-out home but mostly they just drove all the way under silence and after he'd dropped her off he went back to the hospital. Their personalities really didn't click and he never felt as though he got a grip on her but still they had Amanda as the... glue. The thing that made them stick together.

But there were rare moments when Bonnie suddenly seemed to open up to him. He figured the loneliness might be getting to her and in desperation she settled with him. She mentioned she'd talked to Amanda's father, or papa as she called him. Fin wasn't completely sure exactly why the father didn't show up even after Bonnie told him why. Because just as Amanda had mentioned one time Bonnie did talk in circles so she was hard to understand at times. Fin found it strange that the father wasn't there but didn't bother thinking about it that much. His concern was Amanda right now and unfortunately she didn't care one way or the other if her dad was present or not. And he didn't really dare to think about how she'd feel about his absence once she woke up because that only got him thinking she might never wake up.  
A few days later Amanda's sister was mentioned. According to Bonnie she couldn't be present either but worried just as much as papa did. Again Fin tried not to condemn but it was hard for him not to.

Fin would learn Bonnie's mood was very up and down. Surely he understood that this was a trying time but he wondered if it perhaps wasn't a regular state only just intensified a few levels. He'd met Amanda's sister only twice but he could see the family resemblance in their odd behavior. Amanda had mentioned her sister suffered from both mental illness and drug abuse. It sounded like Amanda grew up with it but after Fin had met Kim he figured it hadn't stayed just in the adolescence. Her sister was a bit of an oddball. Her mom too but it just seemed she had the advantage of having lived with it longer and was able to hide it a little bit better. Bonnie came off as a somewhat harsh woman with a stern face and she seemed reserved and guarded with a suspicious eye to anyone she didn't know. But then there was evenings when Fin showed up and she would look so very devastated and grief-stricken with tears in her eyes and that slight shiver on her lower lip that Amanda got too when times were trying.

"There's so much you wish you'd said and done when something like this happens right?" Bonnie had said as he walked into Amanda's room one evening.  
"Yes," he's said as he walked up on the other side of the bed. "But you'll get the chance when she wakes up," he added to give her some hope that she clearly was in need of right then. Bonnie kept her eyes on her daughter. And then she had drifted off into her thoughts and started talking. Fin hadn't moved a muscle, listen intensely as he was getting a rare insight into his partner's past. Perhaps something not even Amanda knew herself.

"We've just never been close. I don't know why really. I wanted her so much after the miscarriage and all. Maybe it was that the pregnancy was so hard. And she was born premature you know. I couldn't hold her for several weeks. She was just so tiny. So sickly I didn't want to get too attached I guess. And her papa wasn't much help back then either. He wanted a son. Kept saying if only she'd been a boy she'd been strong enough to make it. But she showed him. Me too I guess." Bonnie made a slight pause but then started talking again after a deep sigh.

"Seems she always tried to defy me. Everything I said and she'd just go the other way. Like she couldn't take my word for that the creek was dangerous, she had to learn that the hard way and almost drown doing so. She was papa's girl. Always took his side but that fight I won. She saw his true colors later on," she got a smug look on her face as she spoke which Fin found creepy. But then her face suddenly dropped and she gave him a brief look. A look filled with so much sadness and it freaked him out a bit as he saw the resemblance to Amanda flashing by briefly.

"If I didn't hate him before I hated him so much when I saw that little girl's face break like that. Her entire world broke that day and he left me with that. That piece of," her voice had muffled and she bit down as she stroke her daughter's arm. With just a few sentences she'd painted a very sad picture for Fin about Amanda's childhood. And then suddenly Bonnie had turned to him and asked him if they could go home. Her face completely plain without any sign of that sadness that had covered her entire form just a few seconds ago. Like she was able to just flip off her feelings in an instance. Fin could not get a grip on this woman and she made it hard for him to even like her but for Amanda's sake he bared with her.

Most of the time he got to spend time alone with Amanda though. Well as alone as you could get on an ICU ward. He'd spent a few nights talking to her but then he grew just as quiet as she was. Claire or one of the other friendly nurses would keep him company for a minute or two during the night but mostly he would just sit in silence holding on to her hand. He'd catch a little sleep every now and then with his forehead to her bed so he could still hold on to her hand. In the early morning her mom would show up. He'd linger a bit so he'd be around once the doctor came around to tell Bonnie of her daughter's condition even if it never seem to give anyone of them any hope. He'd then drive in to the station. Cragen had told him to go home but he'd rather keep going. Occupy his mind with something. He mostly did paperwork though. He did take some interviews but it was obvious to whoever worked with him that his mind was elsewhere. Olivia was worried. She saw him go quieter with every passing day. She couldn't get him to open up. She got Cragen to suggest the department shrink but of course Fin refused to go see him. Cragen said it was mandatory after a shooting, that Liv and Nick had already been to see him. Fin just told him he would go once Amanda was awake. Not before that. Cragen didn't feel able to argue.

The rest of the squad would visit Amanda too but mostly during the days. Cragen stepped up and made sure Amanda's mother was being taken care of as well as his detective. Liv stopped by a night or two to keep Fin company for a bit but it didn't seem to do him any good to have her there. Fin's son Ken started to miss his dad after about a week with no contact. Ken and Fin had, after many years with a rocky relationship, these days found a good communication and Ken started to miss the one or two phone calls a week with his dad. Ken called the station and got transferred to Olivia Benson. She told him about the shooting and where Ken could find his father all night long. Ken knew, even though his dad had never told him, how much he liked this new partner of his. Amanda had spent a thanksgiving dinner with the family and stopped by at Christmas too.

Ken wondered if his dad wasn't a bit smitten with this young blonde but he'd never confronted him about it. He figured it probably wasn't such an easy situation if there were deeper feelings involved there and Ken didn't want to make it any trickier. His mom had bluntly concluded though that they were definitely more than partners. Ken trusted his mom's intuition. He'd seen the way his dad looked at the blonde and there was something about the way he touched her at times that made Ken suspicious. Mostly though he based his suspicion on the fact his dad seemed happier than he'd seemed in years. Ken wasn't so sure about what Amanda felt for his dad though. He didn't know her well enough and she seemed like such a warm and caring person it was hard to tell if it ran deeper with his dad than just her usual personality.

Ken had tried to catch Amanda on her own this Christmas just to dig a little and he'd managed to lure her away with a little white lie and a little help from his fiancée Alejandro that kept Fin occupied in another room. He'd been quite surprised just how shy she seemed to be when they were one on one. Just another side to her personality he found charming and he had caught himself hoping there was something going on between her and his dad. When he and Alejandro had discussed it back at their home Alejandro had been the bigger supporter of a potential relationship. Ken got stuck by the fact she was just a year or so older than himself which made it a bit odd. Ken was surprised his mom Teresa seemed so supportive of the potentials but then again the love between his parents had been lost for decades, replaced by some sort of distant friendship molded on the fact they shared a son.

Ken showed up at the ICU ward with a flower for Amanda and a hug for his dad. It was hard for Ken to see his dad this broken down. He sat with them for well over two hours. He tried to get his father talking but finally Fin had fallen asleep of exhaustion and Ken had sneaked out of there to let him get some sleep. He kept in contact and got updates through texting with his dad the following days. Both Ken and Alejandro kept Amanda in their prayers.

Fin wasn't a praying man but he was getting desperate. Nothing in Amanda's condition seemed to change for the better. She wasn't waking up. He held on to her hand during the nights but she wasn't really there. He tried to recall her smile, her voice, things they'd talked about. But it all seemed to fade so fast. It felt as though she was slipping away from him. He was losing his mind. His heart was breaking a little every day without her. He started to picture life without her and it wasn't the life he wanted. Life without her had no meaning. Life without her seemed pointless.


	10. Resurrection

Amanda would spend seven days in a drug infused coma. Her brain showed no signs of having been harmed when the doctors ran tests but they also said they couldn't know for sure until she woke up. Her body was too weak though and she needed the machine to breath for her. After seven days they did try to lower the sedatives. For two days they waited and hoped for any sign that she wanted to wake up. Then an infection hit, giving her a high fever that gave her small seizures. Fin, who had hoped for any movement at all found himself suddenly wishing the opposite. The seizures were painful to watch and he knew, cause the doctors said so, it wasn't good for her brain. She fought the infection for two days until they decided to up the medication again.

As night twelve came and went Amanda was back to her drug infused coma and Fin started to feel completely discouraged. After another few days they tried again to set out the sedatives and this time she at least stayed clear of infection. She remained still though. Nothing happen as they counted seventeen days after her shooting. Fin knew that they'd started with physiotherapy to keep her muscles and all going. She was getting thinner by the day it looked to him. Her skin had long ago lost that glow to it. They kept her clean and taken care of though. He had nothing to complain about the treatment they were giving her.

Claire was still Fins favorite nurse. Whenever she was on call he'd ask her for the real deal and she'd tell him straight up what the doctors were saying. It wasn't much more than they were already telling Amanda's mom but when he heard it from Claire he believed it more for some reason. Claire would also show him Amanda's wounds when he asked about them. She told him the chest scar was healing extremely well even though scars usually didn't heal that well on unconscious patients. The two stitched wounds on her leg were almost healed while the stomach one had to act up. The entry and exit wound on either side of her were healing well but the incision the surgeon did to have a look at the damage that the bullet did didn't want to heal properly. Claire told him it might have to do with the stomach acid that leaked when she was shot. Fin knew by now that they had to stitch up a lot of her bowel and that they didn't know how this would affect her digestive system later on.

But she had been lucky, the bullet somehow missed any of the other vital organs. It had grazed both the liver and her spleen. Claire had told him that bullet could have, or even should have been fatal in itself. Had both bullets been fatal they would have had a very slim chance to save her life. By the lower bullet missing the vital organs they had been able to focus on the fatal chest wound. Claire, who Fin learned was a believing woman, said someone above most have Amanda under their wings. Fin didn't mind hearing Claire had Amanda in her prayers. He figured every little thing helped right now. That's how desperate he was getting.

Even though he wasn't a religious man he believed in some higher powers. He knew there had been thirteen kids in that van and the thirteenth had caused trouble. Unlucky number thirteen. He'd blamed the boy as he'd been sitting by her hospital bed. He'd blamed the SWAT guy for not emptying the van properly. He'd blamed everyone he could think of including himself. Blaming didn't get him anywhere. Blaming just got him angry. Bitter.

He'd looked for signs. He'd asked her to give him signs by increasing or lower her own heartbeat. He knew this was impossible but he was grasping at straws by now. They'd tried playing her favorite music, Fin got to help pick out some he knew she liked. They'd played the national anthem seeing how they always played it at the beginning of football or baseball games. Anything to trigger her to want to wake up. Nothing seemed to help. This was the seventeenth night he sat by her side. Seventeen was the number on her softball shirt. By the third time he heard the national anthem he got frustrated and went up to turn the music player off.

"Just wake up god damn it," he complained as he walked a few times across the room back and forth. Claire wasn't working tonight but another nurse put her head in.  
"Everything okay?" she asked concern, seeing how she always saw him sitting by the young woman's side. Everyone knew who he was by now and his connection to the patient they cared for. Fin nodded at her.  
"Just frustrated," he said with a big sigh.  
"Need company?" she asked not sure if she overstepped or not.  
"Need her to wake up," he said and looked over to the bed.  
"Yeah," the nurse said and shot him a smile before she walked back to her spot behind the desk. Fin sat back down. He grabbed her hand again. He let his other hand run up her arm.

"Your silent treatment is killing me you know?" he said. "I'd prefer if you'd rant at me or scold me silly. Anything but this damn silence." He'd reached her shoulder and let his fingers run just underneath her white gown.  
"I miss you so much you know? And no, not only after business hours. I miss you at work. I miss talking to you, hear that horsey laughter of yours. I want you by my side. I need you by my side. It feels as though I can't function properly without you. That's how dependent you've made me for you. I should scold you for that you wench," he smiled but it quickly disappeared. A comment like that would have earned him a slap on the arm at least. He'd even take a punch right now without giving one back.

He kept talking to her though. He'd been sitting there silent for so long but now it felt good to open up. It almost felt like a confession of his. He didn't let it all out. Even with her unconscious he was too scared to truly express what he was feeling for her. Some of the feelings he had he couldn't even admit to himself. He was good at denial. But he told her about the loneliness he was feeling. About how he wanted to spend even more time with her after work. He'd stay over at her place. He wanted to know more about her and her parents. About whom she was as a child. He told her he needed her to open up more. Wanted to know exactly what she wished for the future.

He went silent once a nurse entered to check on her but then he kept going. And after over an hour of constantly talking there was a slight irregularity in her heartbeat. He kept talking as he watched the line. It stayed mostly the same but every now and then it increased or skipped a beat. He wanted to see it as a good sign but it only got him worried. The next time a nurse came in, this time the same one who had checked up on him earlier, he mentioned the irregularity. She took a closer look but said everything looked fine.

"Her temperature is up though," he pointed out.  
"Just slightly," the nurse said as she checked the chart.  
"But up. What can that mean?" he asked with a bit of worry in his voice.  
"Could be a good sign. If her body wants to wake up it's probably going to have to fight a bit before hand," the nurse said. She was a strong believer in hope and that hope could move mountains. She'd seen patients without hope, without that urge to live, drop dead even if they shouldn't purely medically speaking. And then she'd seen many patients survive impossible odds and those patients often had one thing in common – hope. A will to live. Something or someone to live for if not for themselves. She left him alone after that and he changed his focus back on Amanda.

"I need a good sign you hear? I really, fucking, need a good sign right now Amanda. If you can hear me please, please give me a sign," he'd move up so he could see her face better. He kept on begging for a while, pleaded with her but nothing happen. He was holding on to her hand the entire time, asking her to squeeze his hand or blink or something. When nothing happen he just sighed and put his head down beside her arm since tiredness was taking over. His eyes were just falling shut when he thought he felt something. Something against his hand. His eyes flung open and he was staring right at their entangled hands. He had her hand in his. Her palm up, his thumb resting inside her hand. He waited. There it was again. Just a slight movement of her ringfinger but it was a movement. He squeezed her hand.

"I saw that. I felt that. Amanda?" he stood up so he could look down her face. Nothing there. He felt her finger again though and sat back down. Her ring finger and pinkie was moving. Just barely noticeable but he saw it.  
"Yes. That's great. Keep moving them boo," he urged her on. He watched as she managed to roll her two fingers up but then it seemed as though she fell back to sleep again cause they rolled back down onto his hand. He didn't want to let go of her hand so he rose so he could press her alarm button. The familiar nurse came rushing in.

"She moved her hand," he said immediately just so she would know it wasn't an emergency. Well not the kind she probably had in mind anyway. The nurse raised an eyebrow at him as she came around the bed.  
"I swear to whatever holiness you believe in she moved her fingers. I felt it against my hand and then I saw it too," he said but she didn't look fully convinced.  
"Are you sure it wasn't…" he interrupted her.  
"No. Not spasm or anything. I asked her to give me a sign and, yes it took some time, but then she moved her fingers. I'm sure of it," he finally got a smile from the nurse.

"Well that's good. We'll make sure to tell the doctor in the morning. He can run another EEG. Maybe it will show us something new," she suggested and it was all he needed to hear for now. For the first time in many days he felt a glimmer of hope. He'd seen other patients come and go. Most of them transferred to somewhere he didn't know and didn't dare to ask. Not all of them looked better as they transferred out, he figured they might be going to some home to die.

He'd seen a man die. Four nights ago. An elderly man. He'd been on life support just as Amanda but Fin imagined he'd probably suffered a heart attack or something else elderly people got struck by. He had the room five rooms down from Amanda's and with the big glass walls Fin could almost see directly inside as they worked on the man. It had made him anxious to see as they fought a losing battle. Not that he was scared of death but it hit too close to home. He knew it could be Amanda next. No one knew. No one could give any guaranties. As a nurse pulled the white sheet over the man's face Fin had gone back to Amanda's side. Held on to her hand just a little bit harder for a while. Claire had worked on the man. He could tell she was upset by his death but he hadn't said or asked anything about it. He knew she couldn't tell him much about the man anyway, doctor patient confidentiality, and frankly he couldn't bear anymore than his own anxiety at this point. Fin pushed the elderly man out of his mind. Amanda wouldn't die. He felt it in his heart now.

He couldn't wait to tell Amanda's mom about the finger movement during the night. He expected her to get as excited about it as him but she remained skeptical. The doctor would be skeptical too but Fin did his best to convince him and he allowed for test to be done during the day. It was decided as well that they would try and set out some of the morphine she was on too. For the first time in many days Fin didn't feel totally exhausted as he walked into the squad room. He kept checking in with the hospital but there were no news. Not until after lunch. Liv had managed to talk him into having lunch out with her and Nick. Fin did appreciate getting a cooked lunch for once, he'd been living on junk and fast food the last weeks. Liv had to run the conversation though. Fin immediately called the ICU when they got back to the squad room. He had just sat down when he jumped up again.

"Really?" was all Liv overheard. She'd seen him call in every day every other hour. She'd learnt to listen in without being caught but this time she didn't bother if she was caught.  
"She's awake," he said out loud before he'd even put his phone down again.  
"No?" was all Liv managed to say as she hurried over to him. He nodded. He was stunned she could tell.  
"They took the tube out. She's breathing," he said and smiled at Nick who had joined them too. Nick gave his shoulder a manly pat. They had caught the attention of a few others in the squad room and everyone was excited to hear the news of the blonde they were missing. Cragen heard the buzz and came out of his office.

"She's awake cap," Liv said and Cragen looked overwhelmed but happy.  
"I'm going over there," Fin said.  
"Can I come with?" Liv asked. Fin nodded quickly as he grabbed his keys of the desk.  
"Nick, is it okay if I leave?" Liv asked knowing she'd leave their younger associate with the paper work.  
"Sure thing. Say hi from me and that I'll be by later," Nick said and Liv nodded.  
"Yes let us know how she's doing and when she's up for a visit," Cragen said and patted Fins shoulder as he walked by.  
"Sure will," said Fin. He felt funny. Lighter than in weeks now. In a way though he still couldn't believe it. They caught the stairs down as the elevator seemed crowded. Fin didn't care and put the lights up so he could speed through the streets. She'd been visiting Amanda too but it was obvious he found his way better and she just tried to keep up with him. His pace seemed to pick up as they were getting closer.

As he pushed up the swing doors to the ICU his heart was racing. He found Amanda's room occupied by her mom and two nurses. Bonnie was discussing something with the nurses it seemed but Fin just nodded her way and headed straight for Amanda. From far he could see the tube was gone and as he got closer he could see it had been replaced with an oxygen mask. The bigger kind though so it covered her entire lower half of the face and much of her nose. But it still looked so much better. And her cheeks seemed to have gotten some color to them. She was a sleep though and it took down his excitement slightly. Bonnie came around quickly to take it down even more as she whispered harshly over the bed.

"Don't wake her. The taking out the tube procedure was hard for her. She needs her rest." Fin didn't have to give her a stare because Liv did so in his place. Of course they knew she was only showing concern for her daughter, and rightfully so, but this was a big thing that had happen and they were able to think for themselves. They wouldn't shout and hurrah just yet.

He carefully let his hand run down the side of her face. He couldn't hide the big grin on his face as he felt life in her. As his hand ran down her throat he felt her pulse. He felt her breathing. The feeling of relief was almost too much to carry, he felt weak to his knees. He took a deep breath as he felt Liv's hand on his shoulder. He looked over at her and she had tears in her eyes along with a big smile on her face. She rubbed her hand down over his shoulder blade. Fin smiled back at her and then looked over at the mother.

"Did she…" he had to swallow and collect himself until he could go on, "say anything? I mean when you removed the tube." Bonnie just looked at him for a while but then shook her head as she looked down on her daughter.  
"Did she look at you? Did she recognize you?" he suddenly didn't feel so relieved any longer. Anxiety grew with every unanswered question. Bonnie just turned away from the bed and headed out. Both Fin and Liv looked after her. Liv turned back and met Fin's eyes briefly until he turned his head towards the nurses. He recognized both of them.

"Is something wrong with her?" he asked nervously. One of the nurses stepped forward.  
"We don't know yet. The tests look fine though. Most patience doesn't speak right after the tube is extracted and with the drugs in her system it's no wonder if she doesn't recognize even her close ones at this time," the nurse explained with a low voice. Fin looked back down at Amanda before she'd finished. He stroked her cheek again. He tried to think positive. She was awake. She was breathing on her own. One step at a time.

Liv would head back to work a little later but Fin couldn't pull himself away. He wanted to see Amanda's blues. He needed to see them. He figured he'd know right away if she was still there or not. Bonnie would come back in a little later. Sit down on the other side of Amanda's bed. No one said anything for a long time. She seemed upset, he could tell even if she didn't say anything. He figured she might have expected that when Amanda woke up she would immediately just wake up and everything would be back to normal. A nurse stepped in from time to time to check on Amanda. Her temperature was above normal so they were giving her something to bring it down Fin learnt. A nurse warned them that she might be in some pain or at least discomfort as she grew more alert. Fin took her anyway right now, not that he wanted her to be in pain but he just wanted her alive. He wasn't anxious about her state any longer, more excited. Her mother was very unsettled though Fin soon found out.

"Why won't she wake up?" Bonnie complained with a low voice all of a sudden. Fin looked over at her across the bed. Bonnie shook her head with her eyes glued on her daughter. She then turned to Fin.  
"I can't take not knowing. What if she's not there any longer? What will happen then? I can't take care of her. She hates me," Bonnie looked desperate.  
"She doesn't hate you Bonnie," Fin said carefully.  
"What do you know? Has she told you something?"

"No, she doesn't speak much about home or Atlanta but I know Amanda and she doesn't hate much at all. And I just know she doesn't hate you," he tried his best to explain how his thoughts went. And it wasn't just a way to make Bonnie feel better. Fin wasn't the considerate type, more straight forward than considerate. He knew there were things between Amanda and her mother but he knew Amanda well enough by now to know she didn't hate her mother. There were some pain and some sadness and annoyance but he hadn't picked up on any hate. Bonnie got tears in her eyes that she, just like Amanda, tried to hide by wiping them away quickly from her cheek.

"And either way I have a feeling she won't be needing any taking care of," in his thoughts he added 'if she has anything to say about it' but he kept that to himself as he looked over at her with a hint of a smile on his face.

"Well I'm sorry if I don't take your _feeling_ as reliable, the doctor says we won't know until she wakes up so I think it's about time she does that now." Fin couldn't believe his ears. No, he did not like this woman but he tried his best to just bite down and keep quiet. It would be a long wait. Amanda came to, started stirring a bit, making small noise of distress only to fall back a sleep without opening her eyes. Neither Fin nor Bonnie dared to leave her side and the nurses were nice enough to serve them dinner by her bed. Bathroom breaks were taken but with a haste. Fin held on to Amanda's hand most of the time. This made him aware whenever she was coming to and he tried to calm her back down even if it did seem to annoy her mom. Fin of course wanted Amanda to wake up too but he couldn't take her being in distress.

Then finally closer to nine pm she started to stir but without the wining. Fin rose as he felt her hand move in his. Bonnie looked up from her magazine. Fin saw Amanda's eyes move underneath her eyelids. He stroked the side of her face as he whispered her name. Bonnie stood up on the other side of the bed. She refused to be excluded from anything but Fin couldn't bother with her right now. All he saw was Amanda's eye movements, the slight frown on her eyebrows and the slight fog on her breathing mask that formed with every breath she took right now. Fin held on to her hand as he let his other hand run up and down the side of her face. He whispered her name again and the frown between her eyebrows harden briefly. She was clearly in some distress even if she was quiet. She seemed to struggle with opening her eyes and Fin didn't know what he could do to help even though he wanted her so bad to open her eyes.

"Amanda," he said a bit higher and her eyelashes flared. He saw just a tiny strand of her whites as she fought to open her eyes. He got discouraged as her eyes fell shut again and with the complete stillness on her face that followed. But then her eyelashes flared again and inside his heart pounded as he saw more of her whites. Her blues seemed gone but then they came rolling down from above and she fought to open her eyelids wider. He felt like he was smiling like an idiot but he really didn't care. He said her name again as she seemed to adjust her eyes to the soft light in the room. The lights were dimmed for her benefit. She blinked a few times and every time he feared he'd lose her to sleep again. Her eyes seemed to have a hard time adjusting but finally they tilted slightly towards him and he looked for any sign of recognition in her eyes. Her eyelids seemed heavy and wanting to close but she kept opening her eyes up. She seemed to finally be able to fix him with her eyes and he waited patiently.

"Hey boo," he whispered and there it was. That slight smile as her eyes fell shut only to open up again. She looked so tired but she smiled. He was sure she was smiling at him.  
"You can hear me right? You recognize me?" he whispered and he squeezed her hand gently. As he felt her squeeze back just a hint he felt happy beyond what he thought was possible. He brought her hand up to his mouth and he open up her hand so he could kiss her palm. He saw her smile as his lips rested briefly on her warm palm before he brought her hand down to his chest. He stroked away her hair from her forehead.

"Your mom's here too. We've been waiting forever for you to wake up," he whispered once he remembered Amanda's mom was in the room too. Amanda shifted her eyes over to her mom's side and smiled as Bonnie hovered over her.  
"My sweet girl," she sobbed. Amanda's eyes shifted back to Fin again. He could tell she was very tired but fought to stay awake a little longer.

"You were shot. Twice. Bad but you'll be fine," he let her know, "you sleep now. We'll be here when you wake up again." He traced her eyebrow with his thumb. Kept her hand to his chest as her eyes slowly fell shut. Her mother sat down, sobbing loudly, but he remained standing. He held on to her hand and kept watching her for a while, couldn't get enough of her. He couldn't believe his luck. She was actually awake.

**XXX**

**Yeah I know sappy sappy but this is my lovestory so ;) More to come soon...**


	11. Reunited

She would wake up a few more times during the night. He would be by her side every time. Bonnie had left, took a cab closer to midnight and went home exhausted to Amanda's apartment. Fin was happy to get Amanda to himself. She seemed unable to talk still and she was tired but the few minutes he got to see her beautiful clear blue eyes were enough for now. Even though she didn't speak they soon figured out a way to communicate. She squeezed his hand to answer him if the answer was yes or positive. He'd test her by asking if she was in pain and when she didn't squeeze his hand he called her on the lie. When he asked her again she smiled just a hint and then squeezed his hand just a little. Claire was in the room at the time and she made sure to up the drugs a little to take away the pain.

Claire had told him not to spring everything on Amanda right away. That it was better to let her gather her strength and have a few days until they told her everything that had happen. So most of the time she was awake he just held her eyes and held on to her hand. Felt happy to be able to smile at her and have her, even if just a little, smile back at him. Having her back in the land of living was such an overwhelming feeling it was hard for him to just not grab a hold of her and squeeze her tight. He spent most of the night awake not wanting to miss a single time she woke up. So by the morning he was exhausted and feeling a bit more emotional than usual.

During the night Claire had replaced the oxygen mask with a thin oxygen line under her nose and she'd placed a cup of ice cubs by her bed so Fin could moist her lips and mouth when she felt like it. Once she woke up in the early morning she asked for ice with her eyes and he held a cube to her lips. He began to tell her how scared he'd been to lose her. How he'd lost hope for a moment to ever see her, to talk to her and to hold her again. The exhaustion made him put his guard down. As he was done she tried to say something but he hushed her. Stroked her forehead and told her not to rush it. But she seemed determined though and he watched her struggle to get control of her voice. Finally a hoarse whisper came out but Fin couldn't make out what she tried to say. He shook his head and moved even further to her as he could see she wasn't giving up. Whatever she was trying to say obviously was important to her so he gave her time. Once he finally heard her though it was nothing what he expected.

"Big baby," she breathed and he started to chuckle. And once he started he couldn't stop. He stood up and put his lips to her forehead to make himself stop once he saw her eyes falling shut.  
"What so funny?" Claire whispered as she came walking back in and found Fin chuckling silently beside a sleeping Amanda. Fin shook his head.  
"First words out of her mouth," he started; "and it's a slander." He got a smile from Claire.  
"Not out of character I take it?" Claire asked as she checked Amanda's monitor and Fin shook his head.  
"Another good sign then," Claire winked at him as she headed back out again.  
"A very good sign," Fin whispered as he looked back at Amanda.

Amanda would make slow progress over the next few days. She still slept a lot which Fin knew was good for her but it was still a bit disappointing since he wanted her back to her old self quickly. He tried to keep up at work but every chance he got he snuck by the hospital to see her even during the days. Bonnie got on his nerves though. She was obnoxious and rude to the nurses and she was questioning the doctor's treatment of her daughter. To Fin it just seemed she tried to put herself in center as much as possible and it annoyed him since it didn't help Amanda.

Amanda's sister would show up as well and added to Fin's annoyance. She didn't stay more than one night though. It seemed Amanda mostly sleeping wasn't exciting enough for Kim's restless personality. Fin noticed how hard she had to just stay seated for more than five minutes at a time. After all his years at narcotics he'd learnt to see signs of drug abuse. He thought he saw some in Kim but he figured it might just be some of that psychological troubles Amanda had told him a little about. If the situation was differently he might have cared more to figure out what was what but right now Amanda was his priority.

Amanda's doctor had asked him to talk to her about the shooting as it seemed she currently had no memory of that day nor the couple of days prior to it. He had no problem remembering everything he saw and heard that day she got shot but he tried to keep the details to a minimum. He just wanted her to have that piece of the puzzle that she was missing. She listen to him intensely as he told her the events of that day. They were alone since Fin had asked Bonnie to step out for this. She hadn't been pleased about it but Fin had made sure she saw his and Amanda's doctor's point of view and she had agreed to go home to Amanda's place a little earlier than usual.

He asked Amanda if she had any questions after he was done telling her everything from how they set the sting up to when they took her away in the ambulance. He could tell she was already getting tired and was struggling to form the words of the question she had. He stroked her cheek as he heard her question. Of course she had asked about the boy and if he'd made it. He reached inside his jacket and pulled out a photo that he'd brought knowing this question would come. He held up the photo close to her face.

"You see that?" he asked and she gave him a slight nod once she could focus her eyes on a small boy holding on to a woman. They both looked almost insanely happy.  
"That's Hector. That's the boy you saved. That's him after you made it possible for him to be reconnected with his mother. He's six years old. He was taken by Vargas gang on his way home from school. He lives in a small village outside León in Mexico. His back home with his mother and older sister now. Thanks to you," he touched her face gently as he saw tears form in her eyes. Wiped one away with his thumb knowing how she hated to cry in front of others.

"His mom's name is Estella and she thanks you and has been praying for you. Hector hasn't been able to stop talking about his blonde guardian angel since he got home. You're his American Idol, that's what his mom says according to Nick who translated the phone call." He swept away another tear that escaped her eye.  
"When you're well enough I'm going to scold you for taking such a risk with your own life but for now just know that Hector and twelve other kids are safe thanks to you." He leaned down and kissed her very gently on her lips. As he rose back up he noticed Olivia standing outside the glass and felt a tug in his stomach. He stroked Amanda's arm as she drifted back to sleep. Liv had stepped inside and he came over to meet her. He brought her just outside again with a hand on her elbow.

"How is she?" Liv asked and Fin nodded.  
"A bit better than yesterday, it's moving along," he smiled but felt a bit worried about what she'd seen or think she'd seen. He bit his lip. The same one that just a minute ago had touched Amanda's.  
"She still doesn't remember the day of the shooting. The doctor asked me to fill her in. I was able to show her that photo of Hector and his mom you know. She got teared up and I… I just… got carried away I guess," he felt as though he was only making the situation worse by trying to explain it. Liv was a kind soul though and she put a hand on his arm gently.

"Don't worry Fin. Seeing your partner down is really hard for anyone of us," she smiled at him. She could tell, and she knew it was hard for him to open up. He didn't have to explain anything to her. It didn't keep her from wondering though. If there perhaps were deeper feelings there. She'd stumbled in her head on the fine line many times with Elliot but the fact that he was married made it easy for her. Nick had mentioned it at times, the possibility of Fin and Amanda being more than partners. Something he'd seen or thought he picked up on that gave away more to their partnership. Liv had always shut him down quickly though. She didn't like gossip.

She knew Fin, well both of them really, could fight their own battles but she knew how hard it could be being a woman in law enforcement and the last thing Amanda needed was one of her own raising doubts. Liv had a hunch too though and it got stronger seeing Fin's reaction after Amanda got shot. That feeling got fueled a bit when she just now spotted Fin kissing Amanda. Even if it hadn't been more than a peck. She knew it wasn't her business though as long as they didn't make it her business one way or another she'd let them be. They were excellent partners and as a team they were one fierce duo. She couldn't wait to have them back to their old ways in the squad room. She'd missed them both.

**A week passed by** and everything moved along fine. Not that it wasn't a struggle for Amanda. Every little progress came with some pain or at least strain for her but he watched her push through it. He felt such pride as he watched and he struggled to keep his hands off her. He found her determination and diligence very sexy. She'd been up on her feet a few times but was still lacking strength and stamina. She'd just gotten rid of her oxygen line but she was still getting nutrition intravenously since she wasn't allowed solid food yet and was struggling with the fluid food. She got stomach cramps by it and the doctors were locking into what could be causing this.

She'd been moved from the ICU ward as soon as she was able to stand up on her own which had probably pushed her to get up even faster than she should have. She said she felt like a fish in a bowl in that glass room. Both Fin and Amanda were happy for the privacy that came with the new ward and the new room. And what was even better was that Amanda's mom had gone back to Georgia. As soon as Amanda could stay awake for more than an hour at a time they had started to get on each other's nerves and Bonnie had finally willingly flown back home. Fin had toasted 'the bitch be gone' that night by giving Amanda a proper kiss. It had been long anticipated by him and it didn't disappoint. It did however get him to long for more.

"I need the bathroom, can you help me?" she said and sounded a bit rushed. He came around the bed as she tried to get her legs down. He held out his hand so she could grab it as she carefully slipped off the bed. She grinned as she put her feet down.  
"You want me to get the nurse?" he asked.  
"No, you can do it just the same," she said and he helped her get the IV-bag. She grabbed a hold of the IV-stand and he took her other arm and then she shuffled her way over to the bathroom. Her comfy socks made it easier to slide across the floor. She'd been down at the new ward for a couple of days now. She was doing progress every day but he feared it would be a while before he had his partner back at work. He could feel she was still not completely steady on her feet and he held on to her the entire way over to the bathroom. He held the door open for her and then stayed behind her holding her close to steady her up.

"Getting frisky there?" she teased as he locked the door behind them and got his hands on her hips. Her voice let him know she was a little out of breath from the short walk from her bed to the bathroom.  
"You wish," he smiled and bent down to put his lips on her neck. He saw her smile as he saw her reflection in the mirror on his way back up.  
"Well you'll love this, help me get my knickers off," she said as she started to hitch up her gown. He chuckled briefly as he helped her pull up the gown.  
"Well I've already told you how sexy I think you look in these granny pants," he said as her comfy hospital trousers were visible and he started to hitch them down for her.  
"I'll make sure to bring a couple home with me," she whispered.

"Always thinking," he smiled and leaned over her shoulder and kissed her cheek. She turned her head slightly towards him and he couldn't help himself and stole a kiss from her. She didn't seem to mind and as their tongues met he got distracted and when he let go off her trousers they fell to the ground. He felt her smile against his lips and he chuckled. She stepped out of them and shuffled her way over to the toilet with her IV-stand. She was too tired to bother about him being in there and it wouldn't be the first time she'd, or he'd for that matter, went to the toilet in front of the other one. He bent down and picked up the trousers from the floor.

"You're too skinny that's why," he said and waved her trousers a little in front of him. She just looked at him, too weak to argue with him right now. He hung the trousers on a hanger by the washbowl as he reached for a paper cup from the wall and poured himself some water.  
"I can't wait for you to get home so I can fatten you up," he said as he leaned against the bowl and sipped some water.  
"I can't wait to just get home," she smiled.

"So my cooking's not so alluring?" he said and tried to look offended. She rolled her eyes at him and reached for some toiletpaper. He looked away to give her some privacy and he finished his water meanwhile. He tossed the empty paper cup in the bin as he heard her put the cover down and flush. He stepped away so she could get access to the washing bowl but as he saw her wash her hands he couldn't stay away and stepped in behind her. She looked up at him in the mirror and shot him a smile before she looked back down on her hands. He leaned in and put his nose right above her low ponytail and he took a long sniff.

"Sicko," he heard her whisper and he chuckled. He put his hands on her hips as his face resurfaced over her shoulder in the mirror again. He moved his hands up and down a little over her now very pronounced hipbones.  
"Way too skinny," he mumbled with that crease between his eyes.  
"It's not like I've been on a voluntary cleanse Fin," she said with some annoyance to her voice at the same time as she turned the water off. He caught her eyes in the mirror and let his hands swipe around her body. He was careful over the bandage over her stomach. She let her washed hands rest on the bowl.

"I know, I'm sorry," he whispered and put his head next to hers, "I just want you back."  
"I am back Fin," she said seriously. He let his hand go down her groin and he pushed her carefully a bit harder to him.  
"All of you," he whispered close to her ear. She put her hand over his arm and stroked him tenderly. Her hand was still damp from the water. He let his lips run down behind her ear and down on her neck.

"I've missed you so much," he whispered and couldn't help but rub his erection just slightly against her back. It felt good to be able to touch her without having to fear getting caught but he tried to restrain himself knowing this wasn't the right time to show her just how much he'd missed her. Her other hand came up to his head and she swiped her fingers over and around his neck. He felt her push her behind up against him and he let out a breath of warm air over her neck as a nice sensation washed through him. He started to pull her gown up with his hand but before he managed to get it all the way up she turned in his arms to face him. They both smiled at each other as her IV line got tangled up a bit. He fixed it so it didn't run around her neck and then he let his hand run down the side of her face as he looked at her. He knew he couldn't hug her tightly cause of her wounds and the pain that he figured would follow with any pressure on them.

"Kiss me," she begged and he didn't let her wait. They tasted each other slowly for a while. He stroked her hair with one hand as the other one rested on her hip. She had her hands on his chest but soon let one of them travel downwards. He sighed into her mouth as she cupped his erection and then squeezed it gently. She teased his lip with her tongue and made his tongue came out and play too. He grabbed a hold of her hair and pushed her face harder to his own. She soon had to push him away with the hand on his chest though so she could catch her breath. She leaned down slightly and he put his lips to her forehead as he felt her heavy breathing.

"I'm sorry," he whispered and feared he'd sucked the air out of her. She still had her hand around his crotch though and as soon as she'd taken a few deep breaths she started moving her hand up and down.  
"What are you sorry about?" she whispered as she looked up at him again. He smiled down at her and put a light kiss on her lips. She squeezed him a little harder and he exhaled quickly as he felt himself get even more aroused. Her other hand now moved down too and landed on his belt. She started open it up as her lower hand kept squeezing him.

"Amanda, you don't have to," he whispered. She got his belt open and used both her hands to get the button up and zipper down.  
"I don't have to what?" she whispered the second before one of her hands sneaked down inside his boxers and got a hold of him.  
"You don't have to please me," he managed to breath as her hand formed around him and she started stroking him up and down.  
"Who says it's only you I want to please?" she smiled cheekily.

"But we can't," he started but again got interrupted by some arousing sensations that took his breath away.  
"Why not?" she asked with the same cheeky face. Her eyes wandered over to the toiletseat and he followed her eyes. He raised his eyebrows as their eyes met again.  
"It's not your couch but you can make it work right?" she breathed seductively. He caressed the side of her face.

"Are you sure you're strong enough?" he asked with great concern but had to pay for that when she squeezed him hard.  
"You," he chuckled when her grip loosen up and he was able to breathe again. She started to push him slowly towards the toiletseat and he backed up willingly. She let him go and instead started to pull down his pants as they reached their destination.

"Are you really sure this is a good idea?" he asked but really didn't want it to stop.  
"I'm really, really sure," she smiled and pushed him down. She pulled the IV-stand around her so it ended up on the right side of her. He watched her pull up her gown and then he pushed his knees together so she could move up over him. He spread his knees again as she was right in front of his face.

"Just take it a bit easy okay?" she whispered and he smiled up at her. Of course he would handle her with care. He grabbed himself with one hand, put the other one on her hip and then gently guided her down. She felt warm and wet as he got inside of her and she let out a sigh as she came all the way to the root of him. He put his hands gently on her lower back, made sure their upper bodies had some room in-between them. She let her gown go and put her hands around his neck to help keep herself upright and give some support to her still wounded core. She started to slowly move her hips back and forth. He tried to keep still but he found himself unable to as his erection grew. He started to move himself up and down slightly, keeping his eyes on her to make sure he didn't take it too far. They found a smooth and steady rhythm that felt good for both of them.

They held each other's eyes for a while. It felt a bit magical to both of them. Both of them needing this _unity_ as proof she was alive and on her way to recovery. After a while the moment got a little too intense for her and she felt tears burn the inside of her eyelids. And not because of any pain. Emotions got too intense. She saw the concern in his eyes as he stopped moving underneath her. She grabbed his jaw and put her lips to his before he was able to say anything. She kept moving her hip and soon she'd lured him to start moving as well. As she was getting tired she soon stopped and let him alone keep the rhythm going. They both started to breathe heavily, she because she was getting exhausted and he because he was getting close to climax. They stopped kissing but kept their mouths next to each other and they breathed in and out of each other as he was getting near.

He felt her thighs tighten around him as he was getting more intense and he feared orgasm was going to take over. To try and hold himself back he grabbed her behind and pushed her down hard against him as he reached his peak and he emptied himself inside of her. In a few long and groaning spasms he came inside of her and she held on tight around his neck. It took over a minute before he eased down and his grip around her behind loosen up. He settled back down with a deep exhale and he separated his face a bit from hers so he could see her. Her eyes were closed but she opened them as they separated. He felt relieved when he saw her smile softly at him. He pulled his hand up and stroked her flushed cheek gently. She looked so darn hot. So sexy even in a hospital gown. He smiled back at her and kissed her briefly. He was getting his breath back. He was still inside of her but had shrunk a few sizes. He knew she hadn't reached orgasm like he had and he let his one hand stay on her behind as he let the one which had just touched her cheek fall down between them. He kissed her as his fingers found her clit and he started rubbing her gently as he felt himself slip out of her. She quickly put her hand down and grabbed his wrist though.

"No," she said with a breath. "I can't take more right now," she managed to whisper after another breath and she'd rested her forehead against his mouth.  
"I hurt you didn't I?" he said and he entangled his fingers with hers as he removed his hand from between her legs. She started to shake her head still resting against him and was about to say something when they heard the door to her room open. He knew he had locked the door but still looked over at it to make sure. He met her wide open eyes as he turned back to her. They both held their breaths.

"Amanda? You in there?" they heard one of the nurses ask near the door.  
"Yeah she's in here," Fin said quickly, "I'm just giving her a hand on the can." Amanda bit her lip and fell apart a little on his lap. She tried not to laugh out loud as it would hurt she imagined and she didn't want the nurse to hear it either. Fin smiled.

"Okay, I'll be back in a minute then," the nurse replied and seemed to have bought it. They heard her leave and they both exhaled with relief. They stayed put for a while, he could feel she was winded and as he stroke the back of her neck he felt a bit of sweat there. He let her rest her forehead against him for awhile. He wanted to offer her to carry her back to the bed but he feared he'd lose his manhood if he did and as long as it was still exposed he'd keep quiet. Finally she came back up and her lips landed on him briefly before she started to put weight on her feet and soon pulled back and away from him. Her gown fell down as she came off his knees. She leaned hard on the IV-stand so he got up quickly and pulled his pants up so he could help her out.

"Will you help me get them back on," she smiled as she gestured towards the granny pants on the wall. He touched her arm as he stepped over to reach for them. She backed up to the wall to lean against it. He bent down in front of her and he had to help her lift her feet up slightly so he could thread the panties back on. Of course he took the opportunity to run his hands up along her soft skin as he pulled them on. He reached the bandage on her thigh and made sure to lift the fabric slightly so not to disturb it. As he pulled the trousers all the way up he noticed some blood on the bandage over her stomach and he lifted the gown even further. A wide strand of blood had seeped through.

"You're bleeding," he said and she looked down.  
"It's nothing, it's a wound it's supposed to," she tried to smooth it over but Fin sighed and shook his head as he stood back up.  
"You shouldn't have let me," she put her lips against his and it had the effect she wanted as it got him quiet.

"I needed that just as much as you did," she whispered when she finally let him go and looked him deep in the eyes. "Now can we shuffle out of here?" she smiled and he stepped over to the door and opened it for her. He reached out and grabbed her arm as she, true to word, shuffled out of there. He helped her back up in her bed and made sure she settled nicely back down. The nurse came back soon after and he let her know he'd noticed she was bleeding from her stomach wound again. He stayed as she redressed it. No stitches or staples had burst and the nurse said it was nothing serious. Amanda had fallen to sleep before the nurse had put the new bandage on and the nurse smiled at him as she put down the last tape.

"She's doing very well with rehabilitation, a little too good maybe so she probably strained herself this morning with the physiotherapist," she said and Fin nodded even though he knew he was to blame for this one.  
"She's pushing herself so hard you could almost think she had enough of us," the nurse winked at him before she headed back out. Fin carefully stroked away some hair from Amanda's forehead and made sure the cover was on her properly even though the nurse had just seen to it. He stood there and watched her sleep for a while.

He smiled as he recalled a night a few months ago. He'd watched her sleep on the pillow next to him back at his place. Suddenly her eyes had jolted up and she'd caught him looking at her. "Stalking much?" she'd said right before her eyes fell shut again and her smile disappeared slowly as she drifted back to sleep again. He could hear her voice in his head now as clearly as he did back then. It was odd cause when she'd been unconscious, when he wasn't sure if she'd wake up or not ever again, he'd not been able to remember her voice. He'd remember things she'd said but not her voice. Now it was back and he hoped to whatever God that still listen to him that not a single part of her would ever disappear again. He leaned down and kissed her hair before he got out of there to let her rest without her stalker present.


	12. Back to life

**Within a week** she'd managed to talk her way out of the hospital. He knew from her doctor she'd liked her to stay for yet another few days but Amanda had been so headstrong eventually her doctor had signed her out. The doctor told Fin that she was still on bed rest most of the time. It was only good for her to sit up and take small strolls around her apartment but no outdoor activity more than the every second day check-up visits at the hospital until further notice. Fin had dared to ask the doctor when she figured Amanda could be back at work and she told him it would be weeks until she'd clear her for work. Especially considering what kind of job they had.

When Fin asked what else he should keep his eyes open for when it came to his partner's recovery the doctor told him to make sure she ate properly now that they'd cleared that there was nothing wrong with her bowels. It was also important that she took her medication and didn't strain herself. Fin figured the not straining herself would be his most concern but in fact it would be quite the opposite. The entire first week all she did was sleep. She didn't eat enough nor did she take her medication because basically she just slept. Every day after shift when he came to check up on her and even during the days when he could sneak away he found her sound asleep in her bed. He was starting to worry and even called her doctor to check if this was normal.

Doctor Ally Berkoff had taken over Amanda's care once she transferred out of ICU. Fin liked Ally, she had a friendly disposition and she dealt with Amanda the only proper way – by being straight forward and demanding. Fin knew Amanda liked her too even if she did complain at times that Ally was holding her back. When Fin called Ally though she told him that sleep was a good friend to Amanda right now but if it continued for yet another week they would look into it. His worry settled some as they spoke and she told him that all of the tests looked good, Amanda showed progress and she was doing well with her physiotherapist. Ally had been on her about the importance of eating properly to gain more strength. Fin told the doctor she complained of nausea and wondered if the medication could be too strong.

Ally then informed him that the medication wasn't the problem more maybe so the opposite because Amanda wasn't taking her pills as she should and she might be feeling sick because of the pain she was experiencing. Fin bugged her about the not taking her medication when he saw her later that day. But Amanda just brushed him off with that her head felt cloudy when she took them and she didn't like that feeling. He couldn't figure out why she'd rather be in pain than take her medication. Maybe if he knew about the many pill bottles her mother had in her dresser while Amanda grew up or if he'd known about the two Bonnie had carried around, and used, in her purse her entire stay in New York he would understand why she was so reluctant about popping pills. It bugged her just seeing that container on her night stand.

**By week two** at home though she started to get a little more life in her eyes and Fin could relax some. He found her mostly in bed but she was awake more and he could get her out into the kitchen to have dinner with him. The pain seemed to have eased a little though she was still pale and she got feverish from time to time. She just seemed weak and not her old feisty self. Fin knew he expected too much though. She'd been basically dead a month ago and, even though it was hard, he tried to treat her like her old self.

**By week three** he started to see some spark in her eyes and she bit back in a way he found familiar. A really good sign. She'd been cleared to take walks outsides and she seemed to handle herself well. He figured she'd be more tired at night if she overdid herself during the days and since she was mostly awake when he stopped by he was content she kept within her limitations. She still didn't eat well, complained about not feeling any taste or too much taste some times. Usually he stopped by, ate with her and then went home a little later. Some nights he fell asleep on her couch though in front of the TV or next to her in her bed. He didn't initialized intimacy. He did miss it some but it wasn't such a big deal. He rather have all of her back in a few weeks than hurt her now and slow down her progress. They asked about her at work and he kept them updated. Both Nick and Liv had asked him if she was up for a visit but he covered for her since she'd expressed not wanting any visitors. She wouldn't tell him why though and he didn't push the subject. He figured he knew anyways though. She didn't want anyone to see her this frail. He knew cause that's how he would feel if he was in her situation.

There was something he wanted to push on though. Something he'd been thinking about since her mom mentioned it at the hospital and he couldn't seem to let it go. One night after dinner they had both settled in comfortably on her bed. He was checking some basketball results on her laptop as she was reading a magazine. Usually basketball had him glued to the screen but tonight his eyes kept wandering over to her. She was turned slightly away from him so her magazine laid in the light from the bedside table. Even with her back turned to him she could feel his eyes on her.

"What?" she asked once she had enough of his staring. He took a deep breath and rolled over so he almost spooned her. He reached down and kissed her tempting neck as he thought about how to initialize the subject. She looked over her shoulder at him, let her eyes scan his face. She was aware it had been a while but she'd figured he wanted to ask her something and not this. She still didn't feel all that frisky but she figured he could get her there so she willingly rolled over on her back. A hint of a smile played over her face as she snaked her arm up around his neck. He saw her smile and knew what he'd made her think was on his mind. He couldn't help himself and leaned down and just briefly let his lips touch hers. He left it at that though and to her surprise separated himself from her again. She watched him with suspicious eyes as he let his finger trace parts of her face.

"I'm willing," she whispered as she couldn't figure out where his mind was. She feared he was still afraid of hurting her. He got a slight smile over his face. He wouldn't mind taking her up on her offer but oddly enough he felt more like talking right now.  
"You know your mom and I talked a bit at the hospital," he started and kept an eye on her to see her reaction. She managed to keep her face straight but he saw the brief squint in her eyes as she tried to figure out where he was going with this.  
"I'm sorry for that, I know how crazy that experience can be," she said and smiled a little to try and hide the slight alarming feeling she'd gotten in her gut.

"Yeah she's not easy to figure out," he started, threading lightly not really wanting to go there but steer the conversation to what he was preoccupied with.  
"She mentioned something though," he said and saw her eyes just briefly before she hid under her own eyebrows as she looked down on her fingers that were tracing the print on his tee.  
"Yeah, what?" she said and tried not to sound at all interested. He found a strand of her hair to play with as he'd lost her eyes.  
"She said something about your dad," he started and spotted her brief frown. He hesitated but had come this far and he wasn't going to chicken out now.  
"How the two of you were close but something happen that changed that." She shifted her body slightly and pinched her face as one of her wounds stung. He waited for her to respond but nothing happen.

"So?" he asked when he ran out of patience to wait for her to say something.  
"So what?" she said as she pulled her hand back from his chest and rolled away from him.  
"Your dad?" he wasn't going to let her duck out of this.  
"What about him?" she tried to sound uninterested as she went back to flipping through her magazine. Her behavior clearly signaled to him though that there was something going on here.

"You want to tell me about him?" he asked realizing he had to be forward to get anywhere. He started playing with her hair again.  
"No," she said short and flipped another side in her magazine. This time a little harsher.  
"Why not?"  
"Cause I don't see the point," she sighed.  
"Maybe just cause I'm curious," he tried and got a brief look from her.

"Why?" she asked as she turned away again. He had to think about that one.  
"Cause I wonder who he is and why he didn't show up at the hospital."  
"Cause he's pathetic. That answers goes for both your questions," she said with some bite to it.  
"Why?" he asked which made her sigh loudly and she put down her head on the pillow.

"Why you wanna talk about my family all of a sudden?" she said with obvious irritation but without looking up at him.  
"I'm a detective. Shoot me. I smell a story here okay?" he tugged at her hair a little and made her look at him. She held his stare until she got a cheeky smile on her face. She rolled back over on her back again, her face told him it hurt a little when doing so but soon the smile was back. He felt her hand run down over his chest and further down.

"Are you sure there's not something else you rather do?" she smiled as her hand found what it was looking for. He couldn't pretend her touch didn't feel good but then he shook his head. She raised her eyebrows mischievously and stroked him a little bit harder. He couldn't wish away the fact that he got a little bit hard under her touch but he grabbed her wrist and shook his head again. She looked disappointed and tried to pull back her hand but he held on to her wrist. She got a line between her eyebrows as she frown but her face eased as he brought her hand up to his chest and planted both their hands over his heart.

"When have you ever turned me down?" she asked and sounded a bit disappointed.  
"When you need to heal first," he said softly.  
"Didn't stop you at the hospital?" she said and let her lower lip pout.  
"Exactly. It caused you a bleed," he said and squeezed her hand.  
"But I'm much better now," she tried and hoped he would bite.

"Tell me about your dad," he asked after about a minute of their eyes playing catch. She immediately pulled her hand back and then pulled herself up against the headboard a little to get away from him. He gave her the space but wasn't ready to drop the subject just yet.  
"Common Amanda," he said as he was getting bored with her evasions.

"Why do you wanna know? I've already told you he's pathetic. There must be funnier things to discuss," she sighed. He reached out and caught her hand that was fiddling with the bed cover.  
"Humor me," he asked and he watched her take a deep breath. He had to wait and he started to think he wouldn't get anything out of her when she finally opened her mouth.

"He's pathetic cause he's a gambler okay?" she caught his eyes briefly but then looked away just as quickly. This news surprised him. Something he'd heard a lecturer say many years ago sprung to mind. _Parental influence defines us_. This had for some reason stuck with him over the years and he'd found it to be very truthful. And here he was in the same bed with a woman he cared deeply for who'd surely been influenced more than she liked to admit by at least one of her parents. She stirred a bit on the bed and pulled him back to present.

"Recovered?" he asked once he found himself.  
"Today I guess," she sighed and picked up her magazine with her free hand. Not to read, just to occupy her hand with something.  
"When did you learn?" he asked which made her sigh again as she rolled her eyes.  
"Why do we have to do this? Why on earth would you wanna know about my dad?" she sounded frustrated.

"Cause it had a big impact on you," he tried to explain but he really didn't know why he felt a need to know more. Now that he learnt her dad was a gambler of course he got curious seeing how he knew addiction often ran in the family but he'd always thought it was mostly substance abuse. He didn't know much about gambling addiction.  
"How do you know it had a big impact on me?" she questioned.  
"Cause your mom told me."  
"Well you can't trust anything that comes out of her mouth, she's about as trustworthy as my sister."

"Well then if it didn't have a big impact on you then you don't mind telling me about him," he retorted. She sighed again and started tearing a page in the magazine.  
"Okay so the question was…" she asked without looking at him.  
"When did you learn he was a gambler?" Fin asked again. She seemed to think about it.

"I don't know. I mean I guess I always knew but collecting betting slips on the floor at the race track was just something fun we did with dad when he came and picked us up as the weekend came. He'd get me to search for a certain number. And I'd always knew he'd leave at one point or another sometime during the baseball game, ask someone trustworthy looking close by or a vendor to keep an eye on us and then be gone for fifteen, twenty minutes. But I guess as a kid you see what you wanna see right?" she took a breath.  
"Your mom said that you found out one day though. What happen?" He saw her close her fist hard as an involuntary reaction. Again he had to wait a while for an answer but then it finally came.

"We got stopped on the way home from school one day. Kim and I. The man in the passenger seat told me my mom had sent him to pick us up. He'd take us to her. There had been guys, men that she dated that picked us up I guess but I'd never seen these men before. He knew mom's and dad's name though. I still didn't want to go with them but Kim jumped in and well… she wouldn't get back out so I jumped in. Nothing happen really. We just rode around," she went quiet. Fin paid much attention to every word she said. He paid attention to her face too, to her reactions as she spoke. The bite on the inside of her cheek, her flickering eyes, the constant swallowing. All nervous tics. She'd seemed to have drifted off in her mind. He squeezed her hand to pull her back. She looked up and gave him a smile that was a little too wide and that told him she was feeling uncomfortable telling him this. He wasn't sure how to make her feel comfortable. He reached up and put his hand on her cheek and she leaned into it for a brief second. He withdrew it as she started talking again.

"Kim started crying after, I dunno how long really. But she cried when she got bored or tired, I don't think she ever got afraid cause I kept talking to her. Telling her we would soon be home. But the man in the passenger seat got annoyed with her Ii guess. He wrote a note and put it in her hand. And then they drove by our house and let her out. The guy in the passenger seat held on to me though. I saw her standing there crying in the street outside our house as we drove off." Fin heard her voice go quieter and quieter. He thought he heard a trembled on her voice.

"She had gone in almost immediately though so I didn't have to worry," she said as she'd collected her voice. Fin found it impressive that the little girl Amanda still worried more about her sister then herself even when she was clearly the one in trouble.  
"Did you see what the note said?" he asked and she nodded.  
"What did it say?" he asked even though he had a hunch.  
"This is what happens when you don't pay your debt," she said with a mechanic sounding voice.

"How old were you?"  
"Old enough to understand it wasn't a game like the man in the passenger seat said it was."  
"How old?" he asked again.  
"Eight."

"When did he bring you home?"  
"That same night. No biggie. He bought me an ice-cream. I didn't eat it though. I wet myself too. Like a baby," she said with self-hatred in her voice. Fin felt a need to hold her but of course didn't.  
"Did they leave you on the street too?" he asked but saw her shake her head.

"They took me inside, I guess they knew they wouldn't have called the police. My mom probably didn't want to alarm the neighbors. I mean you can't let anyone know there's a problem right?" she gave Fin a smile and then looked down again; "The man in the passenger seat held on to me once we got inside. He spoke to my dad but I can't recall anything that was said oddly enough. I just remember looking at my mom the whole time. She looked scared and that scared me too. She usually never showed her feelings openly like that. She popped a pill whenever she had emotions and she would just flat out. But not that night. Then he finally let my mom take me out of the room. That made me feel a bit relieved," she went quiet for a while.

"I guess my dad paid them cause I never saw them again and then we lost the house a couple of months later. I guess he couldn't pay the mortgage after he'd paid them. Mom moved us to a small apartment and I stopped wanting to visit with my dad. And that's that. Well except that I had to be pathetic enough to follow in his footsteps." He saw her roll her eyes at herself.

"You're anything but pathetic," he said and squeezed her hand. Her body language told him she still felt that way though. After a while he couldn't take it any longer, her sadness was oozing out of her. He moved up a bit and awkwardly let her know he wanted her to roll into his arms. It did feel awkward at first, she clearly felt uncomfortable as she wasn't use to being close to him in this vulnerable state. But once she found a spot that worked for her with her wounds and all she fell into his arms in a way that felt very good and comfortable for both of them. No one said anything. They just lay there. Her head resting on his chest, her hands on his chest. He with his arms as tightly around her as he dared with her injuries in mind. It didn't take long until she fell asleep and he laid there picturing that eight year old girl in the back of that unfamiliar car.

Anything could have happen to her. Even worse though was picturing her with that look on her face that her mother had tried to describe at the hospital. He could see it now, how she'd looked when she came home that day. Having that rock in her life completely shattered in an instance. It would have been hard for a grown-up to handle, for an eight year old it must have been devastating. Growing up he'd always wished that he had a dad around but as he grew older he learnt that having two parents around could just mean double the trouble. In Amanda's case it had clearly been the case. He felt an overwhelming need to protect her. He'd felt that need ever since she became his partner but now it felt like he needed to protect her more than so. He fell asleep thinking that he from now on would get closer to her, on more than one level.

But of course thinking and doing was two different things. As usual the intention was good but they always seemed to be at different paths whenever one of them felt like taking their relationship to another level. Now that Fin had spent all that time by her hospital bed, thinking 'if only' and pondered on how big of a part she had in his life he was ready to take the next step. To let her know how much she meant to him.

Amanda had been busy recuperating and just to be able to get out of the hospital. Sure she'd remember that last thought before she fell unconscious, she'd told herself she loved him but that wasn't anything new to her. Now that she'd been so close to death it scared her since it meant she had someone to lose if something were to happen again. Having to constantly worry about her sister was straining enough, expecting to get a call to learn she'd hurt herself, OD'ed or been injured by another abusive boyfriend. She'd learnt to live with that in the back of her head constantly.

She wasn't sure she could handle worrying about Fin too. But there was no denying that she loved him. But love made her vulnerable and she didn't like that. The way he'd made her, forced her, to open up about her dad. She didn't like how vulnerable that made her. She was vulnerable enough as it was right now. With her injuries or not. No she decided she needed to act stronger around him. He wouldn't see her weak again she decided. She needed to distant herself from him a bit she figured.

And so with every subtle attempt he did the following days to show her how he really felt about her he felt as though she pushed him away. It just made her feel like a burden seeing how worried he seemed to be over her. So she acted stronger than she really felt. She made him stop coming over to drive her to physiotherapy, to the check-ups. He'd of course stop by after shift though. They had dinner, he let her in on whatever case they were working and he stayed some nights. Only sleeping next to her though. He could tell she was hurting and he knew she was taking less medicine than the doctor had ordered her to so he didn't want to put more strain on her body than just walking upright already did. He tried to tell himself she was only healing, that she wasn't pushing him away. She was getting more mobile by every day though, pushing herself to longer walks every single day. He tried to keep an eye on her so she didn't overdo it but she bit back easily if he got too much of a worrywart, that he'd learnt the hard way and knew now to stay mostly clear.

**Next good sign** Fin saw was when she started to get restless in her apartment. By the end of week three she called captain Cragen to ask if she could come back to work. She felt strong enough for at least desk duty. Captain was cautious though, he knew she was ambitious but needed to be sure she was ready. They set up a lunch date for the following week and Cragen wanted her to visit the department psychologist to make sure her mental state was progressing along with her physical. She knew she had to sit through a few sessions, it was protocol, so she didn't fuss but she did make a face on the other side of the line. He also asked her to tell her doctor to send over some papers to him about how her physical progress was going.

So during week four she met with the psychologist and had lunch with captain. The last meeting went smoother than she anticipated, while the first one not so much. Amanda loved psychology, she'd read a lot on the subject to get a better understanding of her sister. But she hated having it turned on her. Being on the opposite side of the table so to speak. Fin had helped her prepare, he'd been in often it seemed and he knew some of what to say and more importantly what not to say. He wanted her cleared for duty just as bad as she did. She'd gotten a very ambitious psychologist assigned to her though, doctor Elizabeth Olivet. She wanted to see Amanda at least two more times before she would clear her.

The lunch with Cragen went well though and it didn't feel awkward at all. He told her three meetings were normal after such a big incident as this had been. Cragen was keen to get her back though but he insisted it would only be for desk duty for the first couple of weeks. He didn't want her to literary or figuratively run into a wall.

She went home feeling satisfied. Before both meetings she'd felt very nervous and somewhat emotional. With the psychologist she had to fight hard to keep the tears away but her captain had made her feel at ease early on. As she got home though she felt another wave of those bloody emotions and she decided to catch up on some TV shows just to distract herself.

Fin had called after lunch to check how the meeting with Cragen went and they'd decided he'd pick up some Chinese food for them that evening. He found her on the couch deep into whatever she was watching. She looked almost mesmerized and he asked what she was watching. When she didn't answer he put the food down on the table and then went over with some groceries to the counter. He unpacked the grocery bag and then went over to the fridge to get them something to drink with their food.

"What the," he mumbled as he couldn't find the milk. He knew she'd want milk with her food cause that's what she'd asked for lately. He'd bought two milk cartons just yesterday. He checked the trash bin and found both cartons there. He sighed and walked into the living room.

"Why didn't you tell me you finished the butt load of milk I bought yesterday?" he grumbled but she hushed him. He made a face and then looked over at the television.  
"Is it that throne show?" he asked and she immediately hushed him again.

"You made me miss it," she complained and hit reverse. He gave her an eye and then looked back on the screen as the two characters ended up in the same place he'd just seen them in. The two spoke in unison; "_Father, smith, warrior, mother, maiden, crone, stranger. I'm hers and she is mine from this day until the end of my days._" Fin looked confused and turned to Amanda again. This time she had tears in her eyes.

"That made you weep?" he asked confused. She quickly wiped her eyes with her hands and gave him a fierce stare.  
"I'm not weeping and that was a wedding FYI. Can you just go fix dinner or milk a cow or whatever and let me watch this bloody finale in peace," she sounded angry. He shook his head at her.

"You're weird," he sighed as he turned back to the kitchen, "Weirder than usual," he added. She clenched her jaw and feeling annoyed turned back to the television. Yes she felt weird. A scene in Game of thrones had never made her cry before. She felt stupid for getting so emotional. She needed to get back to work as soon as possible so she could get back to her old self again.

**XXX**

**I was a little hesitant with this chapter. Been struggling with it and thinking back and forth whether or not I should publish it or just scratch it all together. It was the Amanda backstory bit that had me troubled. I hope it didn't disturb with the flow or anything. I had it set up in a previous chapter so I felt I had to deal with it in a way or another. Still not sure this was the way to but here it is. Moving on...**


	13. Back to work

**Two and a half months** after she was shot – felt like ages for her but when you thought about it it was a speedy recovery for someone who should have died – she stepped into her squad room again. Fin was by her side which felt good as the room started to applaud and Amanda felt like she wanted to fall through a hole in the floor. She took a careful bow and as gracefully as possible took the hug from the desk officer and then from Liv. She had to keep it up for a while since many seemed to want to hug her. Cragen had come out from his office as he heard the applauds and waited for her in front of her new desk. Both Fin and Cragen had informed her they'd done a desk swop while she was out. Cragen had thought about it for a while but now it only seemed fitting to actually go through with it.

He'd put Liv at Amanda's old desk opposite Nick and moved Fin to Liv's old one and placed Amanda by the wall at Stabler's old desk. That way she had some shelter as she would be bound to her desk for some weeks to come and the partner teams would be seated more logical. Cragen had asked if it was okay with her and then Fin had helped with the actual move of her stuff. As she approached her captain and her new desk Cragen stepped aside only to uncover a vase of flowers there. She thanked them all and then took one last hug from her captain before she finally could take a seat. She felt like she needed to have one right now. It had been a bit more overwhelming than she thought to come back. And she didn't like the attention. Appreciated it but wasn't comfortable in the spotlight. Never had been.

"So just take it easy today okay? Ease in to it, don't sprint," Cragen said when just Liv, Nick and Fin lingered around.  
"When doesn't she sprint?" Nick teased and got some looks. Amanda rolled her eyes at him and then turned back to the captain.  
"I'll be fine. You don't have to worry about me, just go on with whatever you were doing," Amanda smiled in that way Fin knew she was trying to hide embarrassment. Cragen put one last hand on her shoulder and headed back to his office.

"You heard her, get on with whatever you were doing," Cragen smiled as he went. He felt relieved and thankful to have every piece of his unit back in the station.  
"You okay?" Fin asked silently as Nick and Liv went back to their desks.  
"Stop fussing," she said through clinched teeth but tried to not sound too harsh. Fin didn't take offence though. He could see she felt awkward with all the commotion and he was just happy to have her back. He'd been fussing about the desk swop. He'd made it sound mostly like it was the change he disapproved of but to be honest he was afraid that having to face Amanda every minute at the desk would be too distracting for him. Now that she actually sat there though he felt quite the opposite. He felt blessed to be able to just look up and see her there alive and well.

The day went on and she didn't get much done, mostly because people came walking up to her and wanted to know how she was doing and if she'd really been dead for a while and all sorts of questions. Fin got called out with the others so she didn't see much of him. Cragen went out and got lunch for them and they ate in his office a little bit later. For once she actually enjoyed eating and didn't feel sick. She tried to keep her head up all day, only really letting the pain and strain show on her face as she locked herself inside the bathroom a few times during the day. She knew she couldn't expect that she would be full force but it still annoyed her that she felt so weak and unstable the whole time.

As the shift came to an end she happily took Fin up on his offer to drive her home. Liv oddly enough gave her another hug as she was heading out and said it was really good to have her back. It sounded like she truly meant it. Fin talked her ear off in the car about this new case they'd been called out to and even though she was interested, she really was, she couldn't keep her eyes open. Fin didn't notice until she'd already drifted off to sleep in the passenger seat and he got a smile on his face once he saw her. But then he got a deep crease between his eyes, he feared she'd overdone herself her first day back. She'd insisted on working a whole shift her first day back and he'd known it wouldn't be a good idea.

**The next day** she couldn't really hide her exhaustion and Cragen ordered her to the bunks for at least an hour when she refused to go home. He'd done it gracefully so no one else would hear and since she didn't want to make a scene she agreed to visit the bunks for half an hour but no more than that. The nap felt nice but she wouldn't make it a habit she told herself. She was sure this tiredness she was feeling would go away as soon as she just got into the old routine.

Cragen kept her on desk duty for two weeks but then she got cleared to at least take statements and interviews. It was a welcomed change and she started to feel a bit more like herself again. She started to feel a little bit bad for pushing Fin away these past weeks. He only meant well. She knew that. And all though she still felt like she needed to keep her distance to him, her feelings were after all stronger for him than the other way around, she started to miss him. Missed his touch. She felt an urge for him so she used ulterior motifs to lure him up once after work that week. She felt nervous for some reason though. Not that she usually used to look at herself but she'd found herself in front of the mirror a few times as she switched tape and she really didn't like the looks of her scars. This is why she hesitated a bit once he'd moved her TV unit that didn't really need to be moved.

"So that's all?" he asked as he was done. She nodded.  
"Thanks, I…" she wasn't sure what to say really and let the sentence just die with a smile. A smile had saved her before with him and it did this time too. Only thing was that he was turning towards the door and she really didn't want him to leave just yet.  
"So, are you…" she started and got him to turn back and face her. She'd put her hands in her back pockets and swayed a bit back and forth on her feet as she was trying to come up with something to end that sentence with. He had raised his eyebrow at her.

"Are you doing something?" she finally managed to ask.  
"You want me to hang around?" he asked and she wasn't late to nod. He immediately hung his jacket back by the door and kicked off his shoes.  
"There's a good game on tonight," he said as he came back.  
"Well I was thinking…" again with the loss of words. She felt stupid having stopped him on the way to the couch and not being able to just come out and ask him. She dug her hands a little deeper into her pockets as she felt her cheeks turn red. Her red cheeks and sudden awkward disposition made him catch up though.

"Oh," he smiled and slowly made his way over to her. She couldn't help but chuckle as he tried his seductive walk. It was anything but, but it did always put a smile on her face and she had a feeling that was his true intention. She pulled her hands up as he stopped right in front of her. She left them hanging though as she wasn't sure what to do with them.

"Are you sure you're up for it?" he asked carefully. She nodded and put her hands on his chest. She started fiddling with his chain as his stare got too intense for her to hold. She waited for him to make a move but nothing happen. To prevent her anxiety from growing even more she reached up and put her lips on his. That seemed to do the trick and soon she felt his tongue demanding access. His hands wandered slowly around her hips and then up her back underneath her tee. Just his touch sent pleasurable shivers through her body. She grabbed his tee and started to move them slowly towards her bedroom. She got lost in arousing sensations through her entire body and they'd reached her bed when it suddenly hit her. She immediately let go of his mouth and she took a few deep breaths as she placed her forehead on his chest feeling somewhat defeated.

"Shit," she mumbled.  
"What's wrong?" he asked.  
"I'm not back on the pill yet," she admitted. She'd been thinking about getting that in order but from hospital visits to getting back to work to being exhausted and just feeling like she was on an emotional roller coaster she'd just pushed it forward the whole time.

"Do you have something?" she asked as she looked up at him. He shook his head and placed a kiss between her eyes.  
"I'm sorry," she whispered.  
"Don't be," he said as he traced the side of her face with kisses. "We'll just use the 'ol pull out method," he smiled.  
"Yeah you think you can control yourself big boy?" she teased and his attempt to look hurt failed as he couldn't wipe away his smile.

"There's other things we can do," he suggested still with a big grin on his face.  
"Oh yeah?" she asked the moment before he bit down teasingly on her lower lip. His tongue came out and played again and she willingly let him in. He started to pull at her tee but she didn't help out as he wanted to pull it over her head. He let go of her mouth and looked at her a bit confused.

"Can I just keep it on?" she whispered as she planted kisses on his neck to avoid his eyes.  
"Why?" he asked. She searched for his lips as she didn't feel like trying to explain why she didn't want to get undressed.  
"Why can't I take your tee off?" he asked in-between her kisses.  
"I just don't want you to," she whispered.

"Cause of your scars?" he asked bluntly trying to catch her eyes without having to let her go. He felt her nod as her lips went down to his neck again.  
"You know me Amanda, do you really think I care about them?" he asked as he gently stroked her back underneath her tee.  
"I care about them," she admitted. He took a second to process what she'd just said. Her tongue tickling a spot underneath his jaw brought him back and he caught her mouth with his. He kissed her eagerly as he let his hands go down over her behind. He pressed her up against himself as hard as he dared to. Her hands found their way up underneath his tee and he let her pull his tee off. He took the chance once their faces were apart to catch her eye. He pulled back as she tried to catch his mouth again.

"Listen to me," he whispered quickly, "You're beautiful. With or without scars, you are beautiful." He could see by the sudden line between her eyes this was hard for her to hear.  
"Beautiful," he repeated with just a whisper.  
"I still want to keep my shirt on," she whispered. She did appreciate his attempt to make her feel good and somewhere in the back of her head she did believe he meant what he was saying but she wasn't ready yet.

"You can keep your tee on this time but it won't be a habit," he told her with a smile but he was also being very serious. There was no way he would let her hide anything from him. He'd worked hard to get her comfortable with her own nudeness in front of him and there was no way he'd let her fall back now. He got that she now had two large scars covering her front that would need tape for at least another few months but that didn't scare him nor would he let that in any way define her.

Their mouths interlocked again and he spun them around so he could guide her down on top of him as he laid back on her bed. He had a hard time keeping his hands in check, wanting to pull her tee off her so his hands could roam her body. She had straddled him and he felt her hands work his belt buckle as their mouths stayed connected. She got his pants open but before she was able to pull them down he grabbed her carefully and gently guided her down to his side without letting go of her mouth. He got up over her but made sure to not put any weight on her.

He reluctantly let go of her mouth, held her eyes a second before he started to travel downwards. He went down her neck, made a slight jump down to her chest. He searched for her nipple through her tee and he bit down carefully as he found it. He heard her gasp for air and her hands came up upon him. One landed on his head as the other one dug into his shoulder. He'd loved to stay and tease her a little more but he was eager to go further down so he kept going. He unzipped her pants quickly and started to pull them down. He got his feet back down on the floor and stood up so he could pull her pants completely off. He tossed her pants to the side and then was left paralyzed for a while just watching her. It didn't take long until she squirmed a little under his stare and she reached out her hand to get him to come back down to her. He reached out and let his fingers entwine with hers.

He watched her take a deep breath as he got down on his knees by the bed. She knew what was coming and just the anticipation of it made her all hot and bothered. He held on to her hand and held on to her eyes for as long as he could before he put his lips down on her thigh. With his free hand he pushed her leg a little to the side so he could trail kisses down on the inside of her other thigh. He'd heard her breathing picking up and as he got closer to his goal he felt her try and get away from him. He let his free arm snake in underneath her and he got a grip around her so he could keep her in place. Her grip on his hand harden as he placed a kiss as close as he could get to her most private part without actually being on it. He pushed his palm hard into hers as he used his tongue to get between her folds.  
She pushed her palm to his as she felt his tongue swipe over her. She let out a deep moan as he dug into her deeper. Oh yes he had been right when he suggested there were other things they could do while she was off the pill. He took his time pleasing her, taking her there not only once but twice before he let her go and then she retaliated the favor. They both went to sleep exhausted and satisfied that night.

**Forth week back** Cragen finally let her leave the squad room to go on what seemed like easier jobs such as talking to victim's families or taking witness statements. She started to feel like herself again even if she felt very tired came night time and the fact food still got her feeling a bit queasy. She longed for the day she could go out for a run. Her physiotherapist had said she could try the treadmill at low speed soon. It couldn't happen a day too soon.

She decided to get herself back on the pill as well. She wanted to go back to the old routine even though she found it a bit funny to hear how Fin bought condoms from a skinny, adolescence in a gas station who wanted to give him high five. She wasn't sure if it was the fact that the kid found the size he bought impressive or if it was the fact Fin had granted him the high five that made her chuckle. Either way she trusted the pill more than she trusted a condom so she got a new chart from the pharmacy and started taking them again. The day after though she started feeling ill with a pulsating pain in her stomach area. She tried to bite it down and treat it with breakfast. When that didn't work she tried a regular pain reliever as she got to work but that didn't do the trick either. Olivia told her she looked pale and even felt her forehead and found it clammy. Amanda tried to brush it off with overdoing physiotherapy yesterday even though she hadn't been. Liv seemed to buy it. After lunch though Fin came crashing into the ladies room where Amanda hid out for a bit since lunch hadn't helped either to ease the pain.

"What the hell Fin?" she said as he actually scared her entering the small space with a loud bang. He walked straight up to her and he looked angry. If the pain hadn't been so bad she'd probably felt a bit intimidated because he had the angry look down to a fault.

"Are you in pain?" he asked, looking very seriously at her. Liv had told him the moment he got in from an assignment with Nick that she'd shown signs of being in pain. Amanda should have known Liv had figured her out. She was after all the queen bee detective in the squad room. Fin had searched the floor to find Amanda and by the time he reached the ladies room he'd worked himself up from just concern to a level of anxiety so the bursting in had been a bit more dramatic than necessary. Now that he saw her pale face though he got back to feeling concern again and he reached out and grabbed her arm.

"Are you in pain?" he asked again but this time with a lower, friendlier voice. She looked away and shook her head.  
"It's nothing really," she said but he made her face him again by grabbing on to her chin. He didn't ask again, just stared her down.  
"Okay, it's kinda bad but I'm sure it will pass," she admitted and averted her eyes to get away from his stare.

"Where's the pain?" he asked as he let her chin go. She gestured to her stomach area.  
"Since when?"  
"This morning," she gave him a brief look and he made a face that told her he wasn't happy with her for hiding it all day.  
"I'm taking you to the hospital," he said and waited for her to object.

"There's really no need…" she started but he turned and went over to the door and held it open for her. She shook his head at him but he just raised his hand and waved her over. She knew she wouldn't win this fight and she wasn't sure she wanted to either since the pain just wouldn't ease up. She sighed as she passed him though just to make a point. Fin put his head in to Cragen's office to let him know he'd take Amanda to the hospital to check something up. Liv looked concern but didn't ask anything as they passed them. Nick was out of sight thankfully because Amanda knew he'd poke his nose in their business if he saw them leave.

Fin drove her to the hospital and he felt a bit relieved as they learnt at the reception desk that her doctor, Ally Berkoff, was on and would be able to see her. They rode up to Berkoff's floor with the elevator and Fin let her know he'd wait outside while she saw the doctor. Ally came out of her office to get Amanda and she waved Fin's way. He raised his hand to her as he sat down on a bench in the hallway.

"So what's going on Amanda?" Ally asked as she closed the door behind them.  
"I'm sure it's nothing but I have these stomach cramps," Amanda felt embarrassed now as the pain had subsided some on the drive over.  
"Since when?"  
"This morning."

"Cramps? Can you elaborate a little more? Is it on the inside or more around the scar tissue?" Ally asked with a raised eyebrow.  
"It's not the scar, it's like the pain is in my entire stomach. It's a constant ache that peeks from time to time," Amanda tried to explain but didn't think she did such a good job. Ally looked concerned.

"I feel a bit feverish too," Amanda admitted. Ally put the back of her hand to her temple and then turned it and felt her forehead with her palm.  
"You're feeling clamp. Let's get you on the table and check it out," Ally said.  
"Just pull down your pants a bit and pull up your shirt for me," Ally said as she put her hand on the table as a signal to Amanda to get up there. Amanda did as told and then laid down. Ally had put on a pair of gloves meanwhile and now stepped up to the table. She took a look at Amanda's scars first.

"The scars looks intact," she told her and then went on to press a little around her stomach to locate where the pain were at. Amanda's face pinched with every push though.  
"You feel a bit bloated. Might be your bowels. Have you eaten something out of ordinary lately? Is your stool normal?"

"Food still doesn't sit well with me so I don't think it's that. My stool is... working. I went back on the pill yesterday, could that be it?" Ally looked troubled. She put a thermometer in her ear and as soon as it beeped she let Amanda know her temperature was a little on the high side but not what she would diagnose as a fever. She checked her blood pressure next and found it a bit elevated but again not alarmingly so.

"We might have to send you down to get a abdominal x-ray but let's have a look with the ultrasound if we can spot some obstruction in there," Ally went over to the wall to get her equipment. Amanda sighed. She felt like such a nuisance.

"Don't worry, we'll find out what's causing the ache," Ally smiled as she got back to the table.  
"This is going to feel a bit cold," Ally warned as she smeared some gel on Amanda's stomach. Amanda just leaned back and let Ally work. The doctor moved the transducer around her stomach and Amanda waited for her to say something. Ally then hummed and seemed to focus in on an area to the left of her stomach. Amanda tried to watch the monitor but couldn't make anything out of the blurry image.

"What?" she asked once Ally hummed once more and Amanda got a bit anxious.

"Well," Ally started and pushed a button on the machine for the image to freeze. She removed the transducer and turned the chair around so she faced Amanda again. Amanda felt scared as Ally's face looked troubled.

"Well what?" Amanda asked eagerly.

"Well Amanda it looks like you're pregnant."


	14. Dodging bullets

**Hi! Sorry for the late update. I've been writing a lot but ahead and now I have like so much material it's somewhat overwhelming and I don't want this fanfic to be like 100 chapters long. So this chapter, & probably the once a head, will be very long. I know from reviews on my previous fanfic though that you don't necessarily dislike long chapters so I'm hoping I have some of those readers still with me. I did cut some in this chapter, mostly some interaction with Olivia and Nick but just pretend they are aware that Amanda have been looking a bit tired but they also have been linking it to the shooting like Fin have. Viewers imagination appreciated sorta *lol***  
**And I have to mention just how happy I am that we're getting a season 15. Awesome. That's all, happy reading!**

**XXX**

"Well Amanda it looks like you're pregnant." Amanda's face dropped as the words of her doctor hit her.  
"What?" Amanda asked stunned.  
"You're pregnant," Ally repeated since she could tell Amanda was shocked, "and by the looks of it, I'm not an expert, but you're several weeks in." Amanda's head was spinning and she put her hand to her mouth.

"You okay there?" Ally asked. Amanda felt like crying but nodded. Ally turned the monitor more towards Amanda and pointed to it.  
"You see that," she said and made sure she had Amanda's eyes following her finger, "that's the baby." To Amanda it was just a bean shaped white mass to start with but as she kept looking at it she thought she could see at least the shape of its head. This was crazy and she started to feel nauseous again.

"You had no idea I take it?" Amanda shook her head at Ally's question.  
"Do you know when it could have happen?" Amanda nodded and wiped her eye as she felt a tear threatening to escape.  
"Don't worry okay. I'm going to get you in with a great colleague of mine. Her name is Sandra Levitt. I'm going to make sure you get to see her as soon as possible and you can talk about your options," Ally put her hand on Amanda's arm.

"On the bright side this could explain why you and food haven't been such a good match lately. It might not have had anything to do with your bowels at all," Ally tried to put a positive spin on it. She went on to wipe away the gel of Amanda's stomach and told her she could sit back up.  
"You have any questions for me Amanda?" Ally asked but Amanda couldn't really think straight right now.  
"No?" Ally could feel she wasn't reaching Amanda right now.

"Just stop with the pills for now. Sandra's nurse will text you with your appointment as soon as I've talked to her. She's a floor up. I'll see to it that she'll squeeze you in like tomorrow. Amanda try not to worry okay?" Amanda finally looked at Ally but she still looked very absentminded.  
"Sandra's going to take good care of you and I'll see you in, I think it was two weeks until our appointment," Ally didn't feel good about rushing but she knew she had an appointment with another patient soon and Amanda had been a walk-in on a very busy day. Amanda stood up and walked over to the door.  
"Call me if you feel like it Amanda," Ally said and Amanda nodded as she walked outside.

Fin stood up as he spotted Amanda walking out of the doctor's office.  
"What did she say?" he asked eagerly as Amanda walked up to him. She kept walking past him though and he made a face before he rushed after her.  
"What's wrong Amanda?" he asked. She wasn't sure what say. She couldn't tell him. She tried to smile at him.  
"She couldn't find anything. I'm feeling a bit better now. I'll see a specialist tomorrow though if it's not better by then," Amanda tried to sound sincere. She thought she sounded so false but Fin seemed to buy it. He put a caring hand on her lower back as they stepped back into the elevator to ride down. She peeked at him as they rode down. She felt sick to her stomach but wasn't sure if it was because the secret she carried inside literary or because the lie she'd just fed him. Him, the one she'd created a life with. Fin brought her out of her own thoughts.

"Are you sure you feel better? You look very pale," he said as he looked at her with worry in his eyes. She tried to smile again.  
"I'm really feeling better. Thanks for bringing me here." He gave her a suspicious look but then smiled.  
"Of course. I'll take you to that specialist tomorrow too if you need it," he offered with sincerity. She mumbled a thanks but knew that she in no way would let him take her to the obstetrician. She needed to think this over. Alone. So she asked Fin if he could take her home, told him she felt okay but tired. She promised to call him later but she wouldn't. She would be too busy freaking out.

Her evening would be spent walking around her apartment, cursing herself for being such a dimwit for getting herself into this situation. She couldn't get her head around it even though the doctor had told her the fact and she'd seen the freeze frame of her fetus. She'd seen the tiny creature who was growing inside of her right this minute. She ended up by the mirror in her bedroom from time to time. Pulling up her top to watch her stomach. From the front and then from the side. She couldn't believe something was in there. Every time by the mirror ended with her harshly pulling down her top and walking away from the mirror shaking her head in disbelief. She tried occupying herself with the TV or browsing the internet for anything that would distract her but nothing worked. She couldn't eat, she couldn't sleep, nothing could keep her mind of the fact she was actually pregnant. She had a baby inside of her. Fin's baby. That was the only positive thing. She couldn't help but feel good when she thought of the fact it was Fin's baby. Everything else was a mess but that made her feel good. Having his baby would be perfect in a different scenario, in a different reality. In a reality were Fin wanted to be with her. Really wanted to be with her like she wanted to be with him.

She couldn't have this baby, it wasn't right to him. But how could she… kill something that was a part of him? She put her hand to her stomach where she stood looking out her window as these thoughts came to her. She'd never been in this situation. Never been pregnant. Never had to go through an abortion herself. But she'd gone through it twice with her sister. Once when Kim was just fifteen. Knocked up by a boy her own age. Their mom had been frantic once she found out. Resolute about an abortion and Kim didn't seem to care and once it was over with it was like it never had happen. Amanda had always been pro-choice but she'd felt as though she'd struggled most with that particular chapter in the Rollins family's life.

And then when Kim ended up pregnant again in her early twenties Amanda had been the only one by her side. They'd kept their mom out of it this time. Kim had been struggling hard with her drug addiction at the time and been at a treatment facility. Apparently she'd forgotten to take her pills and got knocked up by a fellow patient at the facility. Amanda had been fuming at the caretakers and the fact they'd let the male and female patients associate in their vulnerable state. The abortion had been taken care of by the hospital affiliated with the treatment center and again Kim had seemed mostly relieved when it was over with. Amanda had offered Kim to help her if she wanted to keep the baby but it had never been an option for Kim. Again Amanda had seemed to struggle with the loss of a potential niece or nephew more than Kim. Although with Kim it was hard to tell at times how she felt or dealt with things.

Abortion was an alternative and an option for women, that's what Amanda believed to be true but she wasn't sure it was an option for her. She couldn't imagine herself doing that and then be able to leave it behind. To live life without not constantly wonder about how that potential baby would have looked and what kind of person he or she would have turned out to be. Amanda knew she would constantly wonder. She was back at the mirror again. Watching her stomach from sideways. Stroking it gently. A life inside of her. Unbelievable.

But she couldn't have a baby. Not right now. She'd almost just died for Christ sake. She should focus on getting back to work a 100 %. Her body was still healing. She pulled down her top and stomped out into the living room again. What would Fin say if he knew? That scared her the most. He didn't want a relationship with her, they'd established that. He wouldn't want a baby with her. And what would the squad think? Captain? She'd just been on sick leave and now maternity leave? Would so not work out good. She grabbed a hold of her hair as she found a path she walked back and forth for several minutes. This couldn't be happening. Please let this not be happening right now she begged out loud. She walked over to the kitchen counter where her laptop was charging. She opened up the last window which was a Google search result for 'pregnant 10 weeks'. Earlier she'd looked through some sites and she'd found symptoms that rang familiar. Symptoms she'd figured came from the shooting but she now realized probably originated from being pregnant. The morning sickness was more of an all-day sickness though. She updated the window and typed in 'abortion' before she hit search again. She looked at some of the sites and found she didn't have much time to decide on this. Every site recommended abortion not later than the twelfth week. She closed the laptop with some force and began pacing again.

This routine – pacing, standing in front of the mirror and searching Google for pregnancy and baby related matters – went on until about 2 am when she finally crashed on top of her bed cover. She wouldn't get a decent night's sleep though as her real life problems invaded her dreams. All though she still didn't have any memory of the day she got shot this wouldn't be the first time she'd been back on that lot where it happen. Fin had brought her once in real life and she'd been back there in her dreams several times before this night. Tonight though her dreams were a little bit different. She was still being chased over the lot of what she thought was a bullet. This time though as she turned around to look over her shoulder she saw screaming babies. Several of them. Baby heads floating in the air behind her and they were just as terrifying as bullets. Hector, the little boy who she tried to reach as she was shot, was back too. He transformed to a little baby boy though. And as she reached him she turned to run the other way only to be hit by a bullet in her gut. She woke up again and again drenched in sweat.

**By 6 am** she gave up and went to get a shower before she got ready for work. Oddly enough she felt very hungry this morning and stopped at a dinner to by something. She would regret this as she reached the station and had to rush to the ladies room to puke. That's what she got for thinking she wasn't suffering from morning sickness. Thankfully no one saw her and she was back at her desk before Amaro came in early as usual.

Amanda was a scatterbrain the entire day. Fin caught it of course and asked if she was feeling ill again. She calmed him down with a smile though and told him she'd just had too much sleep last night. He took her for lunch and seemed happy she ate more than usual. She managed to keep it all down as well. They caught a new case later that afternoon and Amanda almost missed her appointment with doctor Levitt. At the last minute she admitted to Fin she had an appointment at the hospital, she gave him some hospital lingo she'd picked up during her stay though and had him fooled. He used the lights to drive her there in time and dropped her off to go by himself back to the station for the autopsy rapport of their latest victim. She promised to call him later but again she would fail.

She got up to doctor Levitt's floor at five sharp. A nurse at the desk told her the doctor was ready for her and sent Amanda further down the hall. She found an open door with Levitt's name on a sign on the wall beside it. She knocked on the doorframe carefully and peeked inside.  
"Amanda?" she heard from a brunette in a white coat that rose from behind a desk. Amanda nodded.  
"Well come inside then," she smiled and waved her in. Amanda stepped inside.  
"Close the door will you so we can get some privacy," the doctor told her and Amanda spun around to do what the doctor ordered. When she turned around again the doctor had come around her table. Amanda took her extended hand once she'd made her way over to her.

"Nice to meet you Amanda. I'm doctor Sandra Levitt, I'm an obstetrician. Can I call you Amanda or do you prefer your last name?, the doctor asked as she held on to her hand and pulled her towards a chair.  
"Amanda's fine," she said as the doctor gestured to the chair to make her sit down. Amanda had a look at the doctor. She looked somewhat similar to doctor Ally. Both brunette, trimmed straight right above the shoulders. Ally had a bit of a darker complexion and eye but they seemed to be about the same age, closer to forty. Both with a friendly smile and kind eyes. Amanda hoped she would like Sandra as much as Ally but right now all she could feel was anxiety because of the matter that had made her come here in the first place.  
"Great. I prefer Sandra so please call me that," the doctor smiled as she sat down on the empty chair next to her.

"I took the privilege to ask Ally for your file so I could read up on your history beforehand," Sandra said as she reached over her desk to get Amanda's journal. "Ally made it seem you might be rather far along so I felt it best to be prepared," Sandra shot her a smile before she turned her head down into the journal. She turned a few pages in the rather thick journal. She made an ill-sounding noise.  
"You were one lucky lady. Those bullets could easily have killed you. I guess the pain that came with being shot didn't make you feel that lucky though," Sandra looked up as she came to the end of that sentence. Amanda smiled awkwardly and shook her head slightly.

"So you didn't manage to dodge those bullets and you didn't dodge this one either. Pregnant? How are you feeling about that Amanda?" Sandra looked at her with concern in her eyes. Amanda wasn't sure how to answer that.  
"I guess it hasn't sunk in yet," she said quietly after a slight pause. Sandra nodded as she got it.  
"Do you know when you had your last period?" Sandra asked and Amanda shook her head.  
"Since the shooting I've had… well like spotting but Ally said it wasn't unusual after my injuries. So I've sorta lost track I guess," Amanda admitted. Sandra didn't look like she judged her for that.

"Do you know when you might have gotten pregnant?" Sandra asked and this time Amanda had to nod. "When?" Amanda swallowed and had trouble looking at the doctor. She felt embarrassed. She bit her lip as she realized she had to fess up since the doctor was waiting for her to answer.  
"I was still in the hospital," Amanda whispered.  
"Nothing like sex to make you feel alive again right?" the doctor said which made Amanda look up at her. It was a somewhat awkward thing to say for a doctor Amanda thought but it made her smile and relax a bit.

They went next door so the doctor could do a full exam. She asked Amanda some questions as she changed into a gown behind a curtain. She checked Amanda's height and weight before she asked her to step up on the table and into the stirrups. Amanda had never been fond of OB/GYN visits but did her best to stay relaxed as Sandra performed the pelvic exam. Once it was over with Sandra got a sheet for Amanda so she could cover her privates while keeping her gown up for another sonogram. Sandra let Amanda know everything looked fine so far and that she would now measure the fetus, check for any irregularities and just make sure everything was going according to plans in there. Once everything seemed to be done Sandra again told her everything looked fine. Sandra fixed a freeze frame of the fetus and asked if she wanted a print out but Amanda shook her head.

"How are you dealing with this Amanda?" Sandra asked as she had noticed Amanda's ambivalence during the entire exam. Sandra wiped Amanda's stomach clean as she waited for an answer. Sandra kept throwing glances up at Amanda who still had her eyes fixed on the screen. Amanda didn't know how to answer the doctor. Sandra pulled down Amanda's gown and just stayed still until Amanda finally was able to draw her attention away from the screen. Sandra was still unfamiliar with Amanda as a person and as a new patient and the good thing with having her come in as her last appointment of the day was she had time to try and get to know her.

"How's the situation with the father of the baby?" Sandra tried a different approach since Amanda was still quiet. Amanda frowned a bit letting the doctor know the situation was a bit tricky even before she spoke.  
"We're not… well, not together really. I… care a lot for him but he doesn't want a relationship with me," Amanda watched her words before she spoke.  
"Not that I encourage it but could a baby change his view on that?" Amanda thought about it but then shook her head with a grin.  
"I can't see that happening," Amanda said and was planning to continue but as she heard her own voice sway she closed up fearing the next thing would be crying and she would not allow herself to go there at the doctor's office.

"Would you be able to do it on your own?" Sandra asked but Amanda didn't have an answer for her and just shrugged her shoulders.  
"I'm a detective. Hours are crazy at times. And I mean I got shot. I could die, like every day basically," Amanda tried to let the doctor know what was spinning around her head.  
"And I was thinking with the strong medicine I was on after I was shot, is it possible that it could have affected the…," she couldn't say baby and just gestured towards the screen.  
"Well I have checked up on the medicine you were on and it can affect a fetus but you were on a low dosage, and from what I understand even lower than Ally subscribed you?" Sandra gave her a smile and Amanda nodded.

"If you chose to go ahead with the pregnancy we will run tests on the fetus to make sure but I do think that if it survived this long, with the medicine and the state you were in, it is one strong and healthy fetus, not unlike the mom. But I promise we will make sure the baby is healthy if you decide to keep it. And being a detective doesn't prevent you from being a mom. There's laws about that you know?" Sandra smiled and continued; "And many policewomen out there are mothers and sure it's a dangerous job but that should not stop you if you want this baby," Sandra sounded convincing enough but Amanda was still torn. Sandra went quiet for a bit as she could tell Amanda was deep in thought.

"However if you decide abortion is the way you want to go we really need to set up an appointment rather soon. By the sonogram I would say you're ten weeks and I highly recommend the procedure to be done before the twelfth week. It can be done after but for your own sake I prefer we don't wait too long. And I always recommend my patient to talk to the father. It will come down to your choice but in my experience it will be better for you if you at least informed the dad beforehand," Sandra went silent. She knew she had a tendency to ramble but there was much she wanted Amanda to know and she hoped some of it would ease the stress she so obviously was feeling.

"I'm going to draw some blood and I apologize in advance. My nurse usually does this for me so I'm a little out of practice," Sandra smiled. She got on another pair of gloves and set up everything to get the blood sample. She apologized again as she had to dig around to find a vein but with Amanda's high threshold it wasn't such a big deal. When the doctor was done she told Amanda she could get dressed and then come back to the office where Sandra would be waiting for her. Amanda was happy to get off the table.

Amanda found Sandra behind her desk putting down some notes on her pad once she stepped back into the doctor's office.  
"Please have a seat Amanda," she smiled as she got aware of her presence. Amanda did as told.  
"So where's your head at?" the doctor asked as she toned down her smile. Amanda hated being in that chair but she couldn't hate the doctor. She seemed genuinely concerned about Amanda's feelings which Amanda appreciated but she wasn't sure how she was feeling right now. She knew she felt like a big failure. What would Fin say if he knew? What would Cragen and the rest of the squad think of her? How could she have put herself in this situation? She was such a looser. She looked up at the doctor and knew she couldn't tell her this. So instead she just shrugged her shoulders. Not much more was said. Sandra let Amanda know she could call her at any time and they set up an appointment the following week. She encouraged her to use the weekend to let the father know what was going on.

**Amanda left the hospital** with the intention to tell Fin that weekend but things didn't really end up that way. Okay she made sure things didn't end up that way. She managed to piss him off the next day at work which wasn't that easy but she knew how to do it by now, especially if she really wanted to. She did it cause she knew he wouldn't be the one who'd call first. She bought some time. A whole weekend. But it was time she didn't have. This couldn't wait. Somehow she managed to get through the weekend. She filled it with longs walks, a double feature at the movies, spontaneous grocery shop visits. She was on the internet a lot. Googling various things that had with babies and pregnancies to do. She learnt that the little thing growing inside of her this week could bend its elbows and was growing teeth underneath gums. Teeth? Insane. It was just a bean inside of her.

She slept a lot that weekend too. She felt so very tired, in body as well as mind. So when she stepped into the station that following Monday she felt rested but still very nervous to see Fin. She had to wait a while before he came in. Thankfully Liv and Amaro weren't at their desks so she didn't have to worry about them listening in on what she knew she had say. No one said good morning but Amanda kept looking at him as he sat down. He hung his jacket, sat down, got his computer on and then finally looked back at her. His face was blank.

"I'm sorry," she said with emphasize. He turned his head briefly outwards since there seemed to be some disturbance outside the gate. The officer seemed to have it under control though and Fin turned back to met Amanda's eyes that had never left his face.  
"We're cool," he said and gave her a hint of a smile. He looked tired to her.  
"You wanna tell me what's going on?" he asked. She should have figured he knew she'd pushed that fight.  
"Not now," she said and broke their gaze but just for a second. She looked back up and he gave her a small nod before he turned his attention to his screen. A few seconds passed by but then she said his name quietly and he looked back up.

"I am really sorry," she wanted to make sure he knew that cause he so often let her get away with small things since he so easily seemed to brush off minor happenings. The crease between his eyes became visible for a few seconds as he seemed to analyze her face but then it eased up and he nodded again.

After apologizing she felt a little bit better but then she would feel worse again as the doctor's appointment arrived and she had to admit she hadn't told the father of her baby and she still couldn't give the doctor an answer to what she wanted to do about the pregnancy. Sandra tried to help as best she could but Amanda was the one that had to come to the final decision they both knew that. They set up another appointment for the following Monday and, without Amanda knowing, Sandra set up an appointment for an abortion that following Thursday.

They were in the middle of a case at SVU but Amanda struggled to be on top of her game. She was thinking about bendable elbows, gums, teeth and fingernails ever so often. She knew it wasn't fair to the case or the others and it just added to the guilt she was carrying around. First shot and then knocked up. What a great access to the squad. Cragen's Atlanta transfer was really turning out to be the black sheep of the squad.

It didn't go unnoticed by Fin that something was troubling Amanda but he felt unable to confront her. She'd been distant ever since she left the hospital. Sure she'd been understandable tired but there was something else going on too. During her recovery he had some very fond and intimate memories. The hand on the can incident at the hospital, her opening up about her dad and a couple of other very deep connections. But in-between all of them he'd felt her push him away, mostly figuratively but sometimes also literary. He'd told himself at the time that it was just in his head, that she'd been shot and that he should give her some space and not cling to her like a lovesick puppy. But in hindsight he couldn't help but think it had all been signs. He feared the shooting made her have some sort of awakening and that she'd come to the conclusion their partners with benefits deal wasn't what she wanted.

He feared she was moving on and he felt a bit angry at himself that he hadn't made it more obvious to her how he really felt about her. He still wasn't sure he was ready for a proper relationship though. He wasn't good with handholding, flowers and all of that. He'd never been good at that. But he did feel like he wanted to tell her he loved her, that it was significant that he did. And now he feared he'd lost his chance. She was putting an end to them or she'd found out something at the doctor's office that she hadn't told him. That she was dying or something. Of the two he guessed he preferred the end of their whatever it was they had. But in either case someone would die because he felt as though he would die if she ended it with him.

Their case turned out tricky and it looked as though they would have to work over the weekend too. This made Amanda feel a bit panicky seeing how she had her doctor's appointment Monday morning and she knew she had to talk to Fin before that cause she was coming nowhere with the decision on her own. She kept pushing it to the next day the entire week but kept Friday as the deadline. When Friday came though she was asked to go with Olivia to bring in a witness and she missed Fin in the morning. As it was finally time to call it a quit for the night she was so tired she just didn't have the energy. After a good night's sleep though she stepped into the squad room with built up confidence and as soon as Fin came in she pulled him aside and asked if they could have dinner and a talk after shift. Fin had looked anything but keen but still said okay. Thankfully the case kept her busy so she didn't have much time to think about it.

**They got separated** as the day came to an end but Fin called and asked if she wanted his or her place for their plans. She asked for her place since she figured then she couldn't run out on him or anything. They decided on take out and he'd pick something up since it looked like he would be the last one to arrive at her place. Amanda felt like a shower once she got home and figured she would have time for a quickie. As she was done she got caught in front of the mirror as so often lately. She didn't really have a bump or anything but her abdomen felt bloated. She hated her taped scar across her stomach. Not more than the one that ran down between her breasts though. She hated even more that she was bothered with them. When had she ever been vain? Not a character trait she wanted but she couldn't lie to herself, she hated them. But she wasn't sure if it was the actual scars that bothered her or the fact she'd been shot?

As she stood there deep in thought, stroking her belly she heard Fin come through the front door. She wrapped the towel quickly around herself and tried to find something to wear. She found a sweatshirt on top of her laundry hamper and grabbed it as she knew it could be used one more time. She toweled her hair a bit and then stepped out just as Fin stepped into the bedroom. He smiled when he saw her, he couldn't help himself whenever he saw her half naked. Heck, she didn't even have to be half naked. Being alone with her made him smile or at least feel like smiling. Tonight though that thought made him sad and his smile faded away.

"I got Thai. Chicken. One lemongrass and one sweat n sour. You ready to eat?" he asked as they'd both stopped dead in their tracks on opposite sides of the bedroom.  
"Sure. Just give me one minute," she said and moved towards her drawers to get some pants to wear. Fin retreated back to the kitchen where he sat the table as he waited for her to come out. He didn't have to wait more than the promised minute. She'd pulled on a pair of her black lounge pants. She had her navy NYPD sweatshirt on top. It was a little too big for her but even though he preferred to see her form the navy color really brought out the best in her light complexion. His eyes dropped to her bare feet as she made her way over to the table. She sat down with one foot up on the seat and she made a delightful sound as she watched the containers of food.

"I got you iced tea but maybe you prefer milk?" he said as he pushed the cup towards her.  
"Thanks. I'll have that but milk too?" she looked up with a sheepish grin on her face. He couldn't help but smile and he turned to get the milk out. She had her nose in one of the containers as he turned back.  
"They both smell divine. Can I have a little of both?" she asked as he sat down.  
"Of course," he said and handed her a fork. She said thanks and started to scoop out some food on her plate. Fin opened up his can of soda and then got some rice on his plate.

"You have noodles too if you prefer," Fin said and pointed to a still sealed container.  
"Rice is fine," she said as she was getting the other chicken dish on her plate. He watched her as she put the rice in-between the two dishes. As she put the container down their eyes met and they both smiled before they looked away again. No one said anything though. Had it been any other day though he might have teased her about how she put her food on her plate. She had this thing where she liked to keep her dishes separate. It wasn't like a serious OCD problem but he liked to give her some grief about it. He found it charming. Not that he would admit it to her. It was funnier to bug her about it.

After a few bites the silence got a bit awkward but it changed once she asked him about the case and the latest witness that Fin and Amaro had interviewed that afternoon. Fin informed her while he kept eating and she listen intensely. This case was really a hard one and every new witness seemed to lead them down on a different path and no closer to their suspect. She kept asking him questions about this new witness and they both got a bit sucked into the case again and discussed different possible scenarios. It didn't go unnoticed to him though that she put down her fork before she'd eaten about half of her plate. And the portion had been small to begin with. She was zipping on her iced tea through a straw as her eyes got to that size they got once she was caught up in something. Her hair was drying but had left small dark spots on her sweatshirt. Fin's thoughts had started to drift off the case and he noticed small things like that as he watched her ramble on. She put down the cup and started to roll up her pant leg. Another habit of hers.

Whenever she had lounge pants on she ended up rolling the legs up. Like she couldn't handle them flowing around her feet. Sleeves were a whole other different story. She didn't seem to mind having them fall down over her hands. When nervous she even pulled them down to hide her hands and he'd learnt it probably was because she started fiddling with her fingers when nervous. So she tried to prevent it or maybe hide it by pulling down her sleeves. Either way he found all her little quirks charming. She was on her second leg now and that's when she first noticed she'd lost his attention. He was still putting food in his mouth but now straight from a container and his eyes were fixed on her bare foot up on the seat. She waved a little down by her foot and got him to look back up. She rolled her eyes at him as she sighed.

"You got a fetish with my feet," she declared.  
"I got a fetish for you," he corrected her and reached out and put his hand on her foot. She chuckled as she grabbed her glass of milk and he pulled back his hand. She got a slight milk moustache that she wiped away quickly with the back of her hand. She could feel her cheeks burn a bit. It was rare he expressed in words how he felt about her and it always got to her once he did.

She came to think of a time not long before she got shot when they had this really silly discussion and he'd ended a sentence with "_no, it's cause I love you more than cereal_." They had both tried to laugh it away but both had been aware of what he'd just said and it had been awkward for a minute or two until she gave him a way out by throwing some food at him. But she carried those rare moments in her heart. And she carried evenings like this in her heart. Evenings when he bought her good food, sat with her, had expressive discussions about whatever was on either of their minds. She loved how he ate straight out of the container like he was doing right now. She looked away as she got reminded of why she'd asked him over here tonight. When she was reminded of the… thing she had inside of her. A potential deal breaker. Why had she gotten herself in this situation? Why was she ruining the one good thing she had in her life except her work? And she'd ruin work too. Stupid.

She was pulled out of her thoughts as he waved to her plate with his fork. He had to chew and swallow before he could say anything though and she already knew what was coming.  
"You're not done yet," he said once his food was on its way down to his stomach. For a second it looked as though she was going to put up a fight but then she seemed to change her mind and grabbed her fork instead. He watched her as she put a piece of chicken on her fork but then looked back down his container before she came back up. She knew he was concerned about her and that's why she made herself have a little more food even though she already felt full. Her thoughts went back quickly to why they were here though. Why had she gotten herself in this situation? Why had she spoiled something so perfect? She felt a bit sick to her stomach and put down her fork. She grabbed her cup with iced tea and moved the straw to get the last few drops out. She met Fin's eyes over the rim of the cup and she saw him put his fork down in the container.

"Why am I here?" he asked and she knew the time had come. She took a deep breath and tried to keep eye contact with him. After a while though she felt unable to and looked down on her plate as she tried to figure out how to begin telling him. As usual he didn't push. He just waited for her to speak. To open up about whatever it was that was weighing her down.

"Can we clean up first?" she asked and not until she'd closed her mouth again did she look up at him. He looked a bit annoyed. She had to wait but then he nodded and they cleared the table in silence. It was mostly just tossing the containers in the trash, some utensils to wash and then wipe the table. It all went too quickly and she excused herself to the bathroom to buy some time. She did need to use the bathroom but once she was done she just paced the small area for a while. She was so afraid how he would react. She'd been dwelling on this for almost two weeks now and she'd gone over every possible scenario. Every emotion she'd ever seen him have she'd put in relation to what she now had to tell him. She took one last look in the mirror. She wished she hadn't cause she looked terrible. She gathered her hair back in a bun but it didn't help. She pulled a few strands down on each side but then she just sighed at her own reflection and headed back out. He was waiting for her. She wasn't sure she'd ever seen him this nervous looking. He didn't look his usual cool self at all where he sat at the edge of the couch. She stopped in the door frame, put her hand on it as she felt she needed some support.

"Are you dying?" he suddenly asked and she was taken aback.  
"What?" she asked baffled.  
"You went to see Ally, are you dying?" By the look on his face she realized he was being serious. She shook her head.

"No it's nothing like that," she assured him. She watched him take a deep breath of relief but he still looked troubled. And he was. He was happy she wasn't dying of course but that left him with the other alternative which meant they were ending something he'd started to take for advantage. Something he didn't want to end. He was waiting for her to say something but she still didn't know how to. Now that she realized how worried she'd made him, he'd thought she was dying, it only made her feel worse. It added to the guilt that was already weighing heavily on her shoulders. She knew she couldn't prolong this and she stepped out into the living room as a first small step. She was thinking of sitting down beside him but she felt she couldn't be that close to him right now and she ended up walking over to the window instead. She turned with the intent to start telling him but as she met his eyes she chicken out and walked back across the room to save some time. She ended up pacing a few times back and forth as she tried to find the word to start with.

"So…" she finally said but didn't get much longer. She'd stopped and faced him and she could tell he was waiting eagerly for her to say something more. She brought her hand up to her mouth and started to bite down on a nail. Fin sighed loudly and turned his head down. He looked a little defeated.  
"I just…" she tried as she didn't want to let him down or anything. Why was this so hard?  
"It's okay," he said suddenly, "I know that what we have isn't what you want for the future," he was trying to help her out but she was stunned, had no idea what this was coming from and had a hard time following him since her head had been in a whole other place.

"Huh?" was all she was able to say. Fin gestured between them.  
"I understand if the shooting and all got you thinking and that you want different things…"  
"No Fin. That's not it…" she had to interrupt him.  
"No?" he got a glimmer of hope on his face that he couldn't hide from her.

"No," she shook her head. "I'm pregnant." His face dropped as soon as he comprehended what she'd just told him. There was a long silent pause during which they just looked at each other. He couldn't get a grip on what he'd just learnt and had a hard time going from breaking up with her to having a baby with her. She felt a little bit relieved but was still nervously waiting for his reaction.

"You're…" he finally managed to say.  
"…pregnant," she filled in. He took a deep breath and moved back on the couch so he could lean back. He suddenly felt a bit lightheaded. He rubbed his face with his hand as he tried to handle the information he'd just gotten. He looked back up at her, his face was asking her for confirmation so she nodded slowly.

"Wow, not what I was expecting," he admitted and smiled a little.  
"Would you have preferred I was dying?" she asked with a faint smile back at him. He chuckled briefly and then shook his head.  
"So the stomach pains the other week?"  
"Baby," she nodded. He eyed her intensely trying to figure out what state she was in.

"How are you doing?" he asked. She just shook her head and bit down on her lip. He kept watching her. She'd never been good with that intense stare of his. It made her feel like he could read her like an open book. It was a scary feeling for her. She'd never had anyone in her life that she felt understood her. That just accepted her for who she was, didn't try to change her, hurt her or lied to her. She felt tears burn behind her eyes.  
"Amanda," he said as he saw her eyes dwell up with tears. She shook her head and turned away from him.

"Talk to me Amanda," he begged her as he sat back up on the couch to just get a little closer to her.  
"I'm so sorry," she said and hated that her voice sounded so frail. She took a deep breath but it got stuck on a sob in her throat and she felt herself shiver.  
"What are you sorry 'bout?" he wanted to know what was going around her head. No more trying to figure out on his own what she was feeling or thinking. He'd been terribly wrong last time he tried that.

"For this mess," she almost yelled out as she turned back towards him, "I should have been more careful. I'm so sorry for putting you through this. I…" He interrupted her.  
"Hey, hey," he said rather loudly and got her to look at him. She wiped away a tear that escaped her eye. He shook his head.  
"One doesn't make a baby," he said seriously, "Two makes a baby." He gestured between the two of them.  
"We did this. You are not the only one to blame here Amanda." She suddenly felt even more blessed to have him in her life. Tears escaped from both her eyes and she tried to wipe them away quickly with both her hands.

"So this was in the hospital?" he asked and she nodded.  
"So you're pretty far ahead then?" She nodded again and that question made her eyes tear up again. She raised her head up to the ceiling try and keep the tears from falling.  
"I just don't know what to do. I have to decide next week," she pressed her palms to her eyes so she could put down her head again without the tears falling. Not the best strategy but the only one she could think of right now.

"And the doctor wanted me to talk to the…," she hesitated and peeked at him through her hands, "You, before I made any decisions." She put her hands down and was thankful no tears were falling. She took a deep breath and managed to calm down a little more.  
"I just don't know what to do Fin," she said quietly and bit down on her lip.

"Common over here," he said. She feared she would break down completely if he touched her now but at the same time she wanted to feel his touch. She hesitated but then slowly made her way over to him. She sat down on the couch table in front of him. She didn't look at him at first but he searched for her eyes underneath her bangs and finally he managed to find them.

"Talk to me," he asked. It wasn't a demand, he just asked her to tell him what was going on inside her right now. She shook her head a little as she tried to find a way to put all the turmoil and doubts she was feeling into words that would make sense to him.  
"It's just too much to handle right now," she said quietly, "I just got back to work and I get myself into this mess. I'm such a screw-up. They'll think I'm just a good-for-nothing."  
"Screw them Amanda. What do you wanna do?" he said and she felt a bit angry even though she knew he was right. She knew she paid too much attention to what others thought of her even though she tried her best to cover it.

"But you know how much the job means to me. Captain took a long shot with me and here I am just causing trouble after trouble," she shook her head.  
"You got shot Amanda. It could happen to anyone of us at any shift. Captain came to see you in the hospital almost every day. He cares a lot about you. He'd never opened up to me about his alcoholism."  
"You should get an addiction," she mumbled. He knew she wouldn't give up that easy.

"It's you Amanda. It's about you. We all care about you and you make it darn easy for us to like you," he couldn't help himself and reached out and touched her cheek. She smiled but she made a face that told him she still wasn't convinced. He let his hand fall down to her hand that was resting on her knee. They sat in silence a while.

"What are you're thoughts on this?" she asked almost stuttering. Again he used that intense stare to look at her.  
"I'll stand by any decision you make," he said and made it sound so simple.  
"That doesn't help me make one Fin," she complained quickly.  
"It has to be your decision Amanda," he just said calmly. She sighed and shook her head. Again she knew he was right but that still didn't mean she had to like it. It didn't mean she didn't feel a little bit angry that he just couldn't tell her what to do.

"What are you thinking?" he asked.  
"That I have lousy timing as usual," she looked up briefly and caught his smile. She didn't want to but she smiled too and took a deep breath.  
"This thing," she hinted to her stomach and was about to continue when he interrupted her.  
"Thing? What? Are you carrying ET in there?" he said amused.  
"Well since you're the baby daddy who knows what's in there," she quickly retorted and made an annoyed face at him. He couldn't hold down the amusement of her sassiness and his face burst in to a big grin. She rolled her eyes at him but had to smile too. Not too much though, she was also annoyed. He quickly went back to serious and said calmly:

"Look, just hear me out. You've talked about this. I know you want to be a mom one day. And I know I in a way am keeping you from that. So maybe… maybe this is meant to be?"  
"Oh so its destiny calling?" she said sarcastically but he shrugged his shoulders.  
"I save a kid only to get shot so I can get knocked up in a hospital can?" she shook her head but then smiled as she continued: "Come to think of it, it does sound like something destiny would have in store for me."

"All I'm saying is that if you want to keep… ET," he smiled at her and continued: "I don't have a problem with it. It's not that I expected to be a dad by the end of the day when I woke up this morning but I'm just saying you have options and I'll back you up whatever you chose."  
"So then if… what? Do you mean we tell them, the captain and ya'all about us?"  
"I don't see that we have to really," he said and she looked at him with a puzzled face.  
"What I mean is that of course I'll be the dad on paper but we really don't have to tell anyone."

"They will ask me who the dad is though."  
"And you'll tell them the baby daddy won't be around," he said simply.  
"Great the office slut," she mumbled.  
"Beats office closeted lesbian?" he suggested which earned him a deadly stare from her. But she knew the rumor, he did deserve the stare though since he was to blame. He was the reason she turned down numbers at the bar, why she didn't date and why she'd gotten the rumor.

"Hey, we're getting ahead of ourselves," he said and put both his hands on her knees. He waited until she looked back at him before he continued: "Let's just take some time and think about it. All the options. We don't have to decide right now right?"  
"We do. I have a doctor's appointment this Monday, I'm twelve weeks Fin," she said and felt a bit of that panic rise from her gut again. He spotted it though and grabbed a hold of her face with both hands and pulled her to him. He placed her eyes just a couple of inches from his and looked at her very seriously but with so much care in his eyes she could burst.

"We figure it out. We always do right?" he said quietly and she nodded as she swallowed hard.  
"Get over here," he said as he let her go and she immediately crawled up in his big, warm lap. He enfolded her with his big bear arms and it made her feel calm instantly. He kissed her hair as he leaned backwards. She folded her legs close to her body and he rearranged his arms so he was holding on to her entire body. She loved that he could hold on to her, all of her, in just one giant hug. She loved that by doing so he made her feel like the safest person in the universe. She loved him. Yes, she loved him and that might be a problem. But for now she was content right there and then. All she needed was his arms around her and it felt like everything would be fine. Whatever she chose to do she felt safe knowing he would be there right by her side.

**He stayed with her** that night _and_ the one that followed. Nothing much was said the first night. She'd fallen asleep in his arms on the couch and he'd carried her into the bedroom as he started to feel tired too. She'd awaken as he stood up and at any other time she'd probably demanded to be let down but she didn't feel like fighting him right then. Instead she'd wrapped her arms around his neck and taken a deep breath by his neck to get his scent inside her. She'd kept her arms around him as he put her down and made him laid down with her. She'd fallen back asleep with her head to his chest, heard his soothing heartbeat next to her ear and his hand had gone up and down her back. She'd fallen asleep feeling safe and protected but nightmares had haunted her all through the night. Nightmares with her running from unseen threats, hands grabbing for her and catching her.

Dreams she recognized a bit too well and she knew who's hands were grabbing for her. This night though there were new elements to the nightmares. Usually fear was the main emotion but tonight there was an overwhelming feeling of stress and guilt mixed in there too. The male hands at times turned to giant hands that could fit all of her in its grab. Like Ann Darrow in King Kong's hand. And the hand squeezed her hard, she couldn't breathe once it caught her. Fin had been by her side though and talked her down as she started to stir next to him. Once, as she sat up panting and gasping for air, he just brought her back down and gave her space to calm down. He simply held on to her hand, stroke away the hair that cling to her damp face and watched her to make sure whatever had haunted her dream left her alone. As she settled she turned to him and let him enfold her in a hug. As the night was so disturbed for both of them they slept in late that Sunday.

Thankfully Liv called Fin to let him know that the suspect on their ongoing case had been captured during the night. He'd been injured in the police hunt though and the doctor wouldn't let them talk to him until earliest Monday. Cragen had told them all to take the day off and come in with new strength Monday morning. Fin let Liv know he'd informed Amanda and that's just what he did as he laid back down with a relieved sigh next to her. Amanda felt relieved too and felt able to relax a little once she knew she didn't have to put on that brave front she felt she'd carried around since she came back after the shooting. First she'd wore it for everyone else, to try and prove she was stronger than she actually felt like. It wasn't necessarily a bad thing, it got her moving forward. After she'd learnt she was pregnant though she'd worn it to try and kid herself and it had been draining she now had to admit. She rolled over towards Fin and nestled by his side as he put his arm around her. They lay still for a while. For the first time in a very long time now she felt as though she was relaxed. Just content in his arms.

Fin was the persona of relaxed and even the shocking news he got last night couldn't change that. But he had a lot of thoughts in his head. A lot of questions that he wasn't going to ask her yet, if ever.  
"Tired?" he asked as she rearranged herself in his arms and then let out a long, loud sigh. He felt her nod against his chest.  
"You had a lot of nightmares," he said as he let his finger draw figures on her arm that lay across his chest, "what were they about?"  
"I can't remember," she lied. She stretched out a little as she yawned.

"Hungry?" he asked after a while. She shook her head again.  
"You?" she asked.  
"You have to ask?" she could hear on his voice he was smiling and she chuckled.  
"You want me to make you something?" she offered but it was his time to shake her off.

"No, I want you to rest a little more and I'll run across the street and pick something up for us." He'd linger a bit though, not wanting to leave the comfort of her bed and her body nestled up to his. It was comfortable, familiar and he didn't want it to end. But finally his growling stomach interrupted the peace and he left prompting her to stay in bed and catch some more rest while he was gone. Once back he found her sound asleep again and he let her be. He had coffee and a bagel in front of the TV. He heard nothing from the bedroom for over an hour and got up to have a peek. She seemed to still be sleeping and she might need it but he wanted her to keep him company. He went out and made a fresh cup of coffee for her and then he sneaked back into the bedroom.

He crept up in her bed and moved the cup around a bit to get the smell to wake her up. It seemed to do the trick because she started to stir. But it didn't get the effect he was expecting.  
"No," she moaned, "get it away from me. I can't have coffee stupid."  
"Grumpy much?" he complained but he immediately put the cup down by the side of the bed.  
"Oh I want coffee so bad," she groaned when he turned back to her. He leaned down and put his lips briefly against her.  
"I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking," he whispered as he pulled back a little from her. She open her eyes slowly and gave him a faint smile. She raised her hand and put it to his cheek.

"No I'm sorry, you're anything but stupid," she whispered. After a long and deep kiss he went out to fix her some iced tea, and a glass of milk. They had breakfast in bed and then laid back down. They stayed off the subject for as long as they could but they both knew they had to approach it sooner or later. He had plenty of time to think during the night and before she woke this morning but his feelings were a little all over the place. One minute he figured a baby would tie her to him, a selfish thought he knew but he did think it. The next minute it freaked him out. A baby could spoil everything they had. He wanted her, their relationship, for himself. He was not ready to have it out in the open. He was a selfish prick he knew it but he'd never been one to lie to himself and he wouldn't start now. He would however not push her either way. He trusted her enough to make the right decision for all of them.

She was lying on her back next to him. His fingers were going up and down her arm inside her sweatshirt. He noticed her other hand moving up upon her stomach. She was deep in thought and seemed to do it unconsciously.  
"Can you feel it?" he asked and she looked up at him with a puzzled look on her face. He shot his eyes down to her stomach.  
"Can you feel the baby inside of you?" he elaborated and she shook her head as she got the question.

"No. No, I just feel... like bloated," she tried to explain how it felt.  
"Can I?" he asked. She hesitated but then nodded slightly. He moved his hand and put his palm down carefully on her stomach. He couldn't feel much through her sweatshirt so he dared to go underneath without asking. He moved his fingers over her flat tummy, carefully to not disturb the tape over her scar. He couldn't feel a difference but when he put his palm down and just slightly pushed a little he thought he could feel that slight bump that must be the baby. A very strange sensation came over him as he realized that must be his baby. He got pulled from his thoughts by Amanda sighing and shaking her head. He kept his hand on her tummy as she pulled up her sweatshirt.

"It has gums," she said and he looked at her with a weird face. She looked back up at him and nodded.  
"Gums, teeth, fingernails and bendable elbows," she said with raised eyebrows. He smiled at her.  
"Yeah? It does sound like you have ET in there," he joked and got a slap on the arm for it but she smiled too. He moved his hand back and forth over her tummy a couple of times before he stopped by her bellybutton and started to draw circles around it.

"So what do you wanna do?" he asked. She remained quiet a while with her eyes focused somewhere in the distance.  
"So," she started and looked at him, "we would just go on like we usually do? Tell no one you're the dad? But, I mean, we would have to tell him or her once he or she is old enough right?"  
"Of course. When you feel like the time is right we'll tell him or her," he assured her.  
"It won't screw the baby up would it?"  
"Families comes in all shapes and forms these days." She thought about his words for a second. She looked up at him with anxious eyes as she asked:  
"I won't screw up the baby?"  
"You would most definitely not screw up this baby," he smiled down at her. He could see the glistening in her eyes. She looked up at the roof.

"I didn't do such a good job with Kim," she whispered.  
"That's because it wasn't your job. You weren't her mom. You would be an awesome mom to your baby." She sent him a look sideways along with a faint smile. She looked away again and there was a long pause. He started moving his hand around her stomach again. He leaned down and put his lips to her temple. He stayed down, close to her face.  
"So?" he asked. She shot him a look sideways again and this time she didn't look away. He saw the smile slowly spreading across her face. He raised his eyebrows and she nodded slightly with a very content smile on her face.

"I'm having a baby," she whispered right before their lips met.


	15. Becoming

So the decision was made. She was having this baby. But even though the decision was made she had a hard time getting her head around it. She was going to be a mom in less than six months. It was an overwhelming thought. She went to see her obstetrician Ally Levitt as planned that Monday and the doctor tried but couldn't hide her excitement over Amanda's decision to go ahead with the pregnancy. They went ahead with the rest of the test that was normal for women going into their second trimester and they also went ahead with some more extensive tests just to make sure the fetus hadn't taken harm by the drugs Amanda had been on after her shooting. They would not find anything wrong with either the baby or the mother to be.

She wasn't completely sure how she felt about Fin not wanting to publically own up to fatherhood but with everything going on she tried to focus on the fact he was still by her side. It was like nothing had changed between them but she wondered what would happen once the baby was actually here. She had asked him how he felt about having her as a partner at work now that she was pregnant. It was important to her that he didn't feel as though she was a burden, that he still felt she could have his back. He had no problem with it as long as she didn't tackle any perps but she hadn't done that since before her shooting anyways. He did however urge her to tell the captain as soon as possible. She started to dread telling the captain as much as she had telling Fin. She feared Cragen would see her as the big failure she still felt like.

If the first trimester of pregnancy had made her feel anything but 'hot' the second trimester changed all that. She started to feel almost like herself again. Gone was the constant fatigue, no more nausea and she started to feel sharp again. Like she was back in the game. She still wasn't showing and there were times when she actually forgot she was pregnant. And speaking of hot, once she looked it up online and no longer felt like a freak, she embraced the fact she had a sexual desire that made her want to jump his bones whenever she was alone with him. Fin didn't seem to mind either. He did mind that she wanted to keep her tee on though but he didn't fight it right now. He would take that battle later since he figured she was under enough pressure right now.

Just as Amanda had sensed Fin was still ambivalent about the baby. On one hand he couldn't wait to meet the little wonder but on the other one he was scared. Scared that things would change drastically, scared to get caught maybe. He had a sweet deal with Amanda. The equality of having the cake and eat it too. A baby could change that. Would change that. But for right now she was diverting his mind with some serious bed action. And he wasn't complaining.

And she was funny too. They had always been able to laugh together but boy did she entertain him right now. It was the baby related information she gave him. One week it had been something she read about how the baby's head was as big as its body. It was literary looking like an alien. She was carrying ET. The next week it was clinching her fist and telling him that's how big the baby was inside of her right now. And apparently it was fury too. The week that followed there was some weird stuff going on with the baby's head and face. Ears migrating to the side of its head and eyes moving to the front of its face. Amanda wondered where the ears and eyes had been before that. The internet said nothing about that. Just that they moved and migrated. Like illegal immigrants across her baby's face. She made him cry laughing. He couldn't remember Teresa ever being like this or telling him stuff like this but then again he hadn't been that present during her pregnancy.

He was happy to hear her talk about these things cause he did feel like she still hadn't fully accepted that she was going to have a baby in her life soon. It felt as though she pushed it away a little and since he wasn't really ready to take that in either it suited him a little too well. But she was now 15 weeks and she did have to tell at least the captain now he figured. She knew he was right but she didn't have to like it. She gathered enough courage one day and stepped up to captain Cragen's open door.

"Do you have a minute cap?" she asked as she put her head through his door. He looked up with a smile and told her he had more than a minute for her. She stepped inside and closed the door behind her. She met Fin's eyes through the blinders that were down put open as usual. He sent her a smile as she turned around and stepped up to Cragen's desk. She wiped her hands on her pants as she could feel they were a bit clamp. She told herself to calm down but the scary thought that he would be disappointed came popping back inside her head and she felt anything but calm. She was so busy talking to herself she missed what her captain said and only saw his lips stop moving.

"What?" she asked like a total spacecadette. Cragen gave her a look. He'd mentioned that ADA Barba, whom he'd met earlier that day, had been impressed with some work she did on an old case that was now going to trial. He could see now though that she seemed tense and clearly not in the mood for smalltalk.  
"You wanted to talk to me?" he said instead and she nodded. She cleared her throat but didn't know how to start and remained silent. Cragen looked at her with some concern in his eyes. He waited for her to speak, figured this was hard for her and feared she'd fallen back into her old gambling habit. He'd been impressed that she seemed to have managed to stay away from it from the get go. He wasn't sure how it was with gambling but with alcohol it seemed falling off the wagon at one point or another was almost the rule.

"This is a little hard sir," she finally managed to say. It was a bit of unnecessary information to Cragen who could see it clearly on his detective. His mind went off the falling off the wagon theory and he got concerned she was going to tell him she was quitting. With what she'd just gone through he wouldn't blame her but he would miss her.

"Take your time. I do have more than a minute for you," he said with that kind smile of his that Amanda had gotten the privilege to see many times by now. Amanda smiled back and felt some of the tension ease up. She cleared her throat again and took a deep breath. She could do this she thought to herself.

"Well sir, I know it's bad timing. I mean with me… just back and all. But sir… well, I'm… pregnant," she felt like she wanted to fall through the floor as she managed to finally end that sentence. Cragen looked somewhat shocked and he was just that.

"Pregnant?" he repeated and she nodded.  
"Well, that's… great. Congratulations Amanda," he rose up from behind the desk and came around to her.  
"Congratulations are in order right?" he asked as he came closer though and he felt unsure judging by the look on her face.  
"I guess yes," she stuttered as her face broke into a slight smile. Cragen gave her a hug and she felt a little bit lighter as he seemed to take the news well.

"I didn't know you were seeing someone," Cragen said.  
"Well I sorta was but it's complicated sir," she started but Cragen raised his hands.  
"No need to explain detective. I'm sorry that I brought it up. It's none of my business. How far along are you?"

"Well it's passed the three month rule or what you call it," she said not really wanting him to figure out it had happen while she was in the hospital.  
"And everything's proceeding well with you and the baby?" he asked and his smile widen as she nodded.  
"You're feeling okay?" he wanted reassurance since her eyes were still somewhat avoiding his.

"Yeah I've only known for a couple of weeks myself. A lot of the symptoms I had I thought was from the shooting. Turned out it wasn't," she smiled and made a face. Cragen chuckled and had a seat at the end of his desk.  
"Have you told anyone?" he asked and looked briefly out towards the squad room.  
"Fin knows. But no one else," Amanda let him know.

"You want to tell them?"  
"Can that wait a while sir? I've just gotten my head around this myself and I need to tell my parents and all," Amanda tried to explain.  
"Sure. Whatever feels best for you Amanda. When you feel ready we should also sit down the two of us and talk about how you want to work up until delivery."

"Well sir I don't want any special treatment. I know me getting shot put strain on the squad and I don't want this," again she couldn't say it and just gestured slightly towards her stomach area. Cragen reached out and grabbed her arm though before she could continue. She looked at him from underneath her bangs.

"Amanda it wasn't your fault you got shot. Don't put that on yourself. We all risk getting shot in our line of duty and it's our job to have each other's backs. And also," he looked at her even more seriously than earlier and continued; "You getting shot wasn't a blessing, you having a baby is." His words went straight to her heart and all the hormones in her body made her eyes tear up immediately. Cragen saw it and smiled.

"You're going to be a great mom Amanda. I can't wait to meet your baby," he stood up and gave her another hug as he felt like doing so.  
"Thank you sir," she whispered close to his ear.

**So the talk with the captain** hadn't been as bad as she'd imagined it would be. Empowered with that talk she decided to call her mother that same night. Bite the bullet so to speak. Of course it hadn't run as smoothly. It started with the obligatory passive-aggressive complaints about how Amanda never called and how shocked Bonnie was to see her number in her display for a change. Then there was the obligatory fuzz that followed when Amanda asked how Jack was doing. Her mother disliked that she called her father by his first name. Amanda had started using her parent's first names when she was around eight or nine. It probably had something to do with that whole ride along ordeal with her father's bookie. That had changed her view on life rather much and it had most definitely made her change her view of her father. She'd never felt close to her mother and now that her dad had abandon her too she'd started to seek independence. As a child though there's not many ways to do that and her way had been to stop calling them mom and dad. Her mom had put up a fight though and after a few too many slaps over the head and hairpulling she'd gone back to 'mama' but her dad had never put up a fight so from then on it had been Jack. Something her mom didn't like.

Bonnie went on to tell her about Jack's latest crafty work. He was apparently back to carving his wood pieces again and apparently people seemed to like the handcrafted items and buying them from him. Amanda didn't even try and comprehend her parents fucked up relationship. They had gotten a divorce when Amanda and Kim were still very young and for as long as Amanda could remember they had never gotten along. Constant fighting and disagreement over everything and nothing. Amanda hadn't seen much of her dad after the bookie incident. She chose to stay home while her dad took Kim out. Then Kim had lost interest too and after that they saw their dad perhaps twice a year when he popped by with birthday presents or Christmas gifts a few weeks too late. The girls had moved around a lot with their mother. Whenever they got behind on rent or their mother found a new boyfriend there had been a new apartment or house. Some of the boyfriends hadn't been that bad but most of them were douchebags which their mother had found out sooner or later and then they'd moved again.

There had been one reliable person in Amanda's life though. Her grandma Faith. She hadn't been around much when Amanda was really little. Amanda figured that her dad and grandma hadn't really seen eye to eye. But when her dad was out grandma had stepped in. Well as much as Bonnie had let her. Mom and grandma didn't go that well together either. Amanda had never figured out why and why Bonnie had no contact with her two older sisters at all. Amanda had cousins she'd only met like once or twice. But it was better to just stay away from that mess.

Grandma Faith had pushed her way into the girl's life though. She had this ability to just let Bonnie's spite run off her, she never said a bad word back even when Bonnie reached gutter level in attacking her own mother. Grandma was a frequent guest in whatever place they were living in, she tidied up and made sure there was food in the fridge. Amanda remembered the long car rides they used to take out to the countryside to look at animals and run over open fields. Well the girls had, grandma had arthritis and stayed by the car to watch them. Grandma was the rock. The one Amanda could call when Kim got in trouble Amanda couldn't solve on her own and their mother was nowhere to be found. The one she'd go to when life just got too hard. The only one she felt secure enough with to see her tears. She'd died Amanda's last year in high school.

It had been devastating but of course Amanda hadn't shown that to anyone. Grandma had just moved into a smaller house and she left that house for her youngest daughter and her two granddaughters. Bonnie's older sisters had both married, and divorced, rich so they were in no need of cash or a house. The house was a bit of a blessing. Amanda had already made plans to move away to go to college but the house meant she at least knew where her mother and sister would be. And that's where her mother still was. And oddly enough it was also the place where her dad was these days. He however camped out in a shed on her lawn. Amanda didn't even bother to try and figure out how that came about nor what kind of relationship her parents had today.

However every time she spoke to her mom she did get an update on her dad whether she wanted it or not. Now that she'd gotten it the conversation quickly went awkward. They had never been good at smalltalk.  
"So…" Amanda started as they'd quickly emptied out how work was on either side of their phonecall. Her mom was quiet, of no help as usual and Amanda knew that her mom knew she'd called her for a reason. Amanda took a deep breath and then just came out and said it.

"Mom, I'm pregnant." Amanda had still not gotten used to saying that out loud and it sounded weird. A long silent pause followed. Amanda for some odd reason felt like crying but bit down on her nail, held it in.  
"Did you hear me mom?" she finally asked.

"I heard you," came the short answer. Amanda wished she could see her mom's face right now. She could never hide her true emotions on her face but her voice was always steady. She had no idea what went through her mom's head right now and usually it would frustrate her but today it just made her feel like crying.  
"Okay then, I have to run," Amanda tried to keep her voice steady.

"Are you doing okay?" Amanda was taken aback by the question and she had to turn the speaker away briefly of fear her mother would hear one of the sobs that threaten to escape her throat. She collected herself quickly and put the speaker back to her mouth.  
"Yeah, I am."  
"When's the baby do?"  
"End of the year."  
"Who's the father?"  
"No one you know," Amanda said to get out of elaborating on it.  
"Will we get to know him?" her mom asked and Amanda had to think about that.  
"He won't be around much," she confessed even though she knew that gave her mom the upper hand. Her daughter, the one she'd always thought was too big for her britches, fucked up. Became pregnant with no father around. Her mom probably thought she had it coming.

"I'm going to have to start dinner now," her mom said abruptly and Amanda knew the talk was over.  
"Okay. Say hi to… dad from me," she'd hesitated but then chosen dad instead of Jack.  
"I will. Bye." The line went flat. Amanda sat with the phone to her ear a while and listen to the void.

It hadn't been that bad but it hadn't gone that great either. She was always left with an empty feeling when she talked to her mother. It was like she always hoped for something more, something else, but that connection never happen. She feared her mother felt the same from her end, that Amanda disappointed her in the same way. Even though the phone call left her wanting more she'd gotten a surprise in the mail the next week. A package arrived from Atlanta with her mom's and dad's names as senders. She'd opened it immediately. Tissuepaper with pacifiers met her eyes as she got the package open. Inside it a book for first time moms, a Atlanta Braves baby jersey and a card with the simple wish _Congratulations_ and signed by 'mom & dad'. It brought a smile to her face and some tears to her eyes. Tears she wiped away quickly even though she was alone.

**Another week passed by**. And then another. Amanda still wasn't showing much and suffered no typical pregnancy symptoms. Fin kept enjoying her increased sexual desire but he was a bit concerned that she seemed to be a bit in denial still. She'd stopped mentioning how the fetus was developing and she wasn't really nesting. Not that Fin knew much about it but he had picked up an article or two about it since he learnt he was going to be a dad again. He also knew Cragen had urged her to tell the entire squad because he approached Fin about it the other day. He decided to bring it up one evening that same week. He had something he wanted to discuss with her too, something he'd been thinking about.

"So have you thought anything buying a crib and stuff?" he asked as they were clearing the table. She gave him a look.  
"It's still ages away," she said and turned her focus back to the dishes she was doing. Fin sat down by the table again and grabbed his soda can.  
"Not really, time flies you know," he knew he wasn't making any sense and he deserved the next look he got.

"Okay," he admitted, "Cragen wants you to tell the others. Why aren't you?" She diverged her eyes quickly and he took a mouthful of soda while he waited for her to answer.  
"Amanda?" he urged as she remained silent.  
"I will, I will, stop bugging me," she said as she reached for a towel for the wet dishes.

"When?"  
"Soon okay?" she made a pretend throw with the towel at him to enforce that he bugged her. He shot her a smile before she turned away again. He watched her dry the plates they'd just eaten on and he did look at her ass as she reached up to put them back in the cabinet. He got his head out of the gutter and back to the subject that he wasn't ready to drop just yet.

"Something's stopping you from doing it though. Common, Amanda, let me help if I can," he said.  
"You help? You got me in this mess," she made a funny face at him to let him know she wasn't being serious. He smiled but he wouldn't fall for it. She would not joke her way out of this.  
"Seriously Amanda," he said as she put away the last of the dishes, "tell me."

She sighed loudly but she knew when he wouldn't stop pinning her down with his eyes that he wasn't letting it go. She got up on the counter with a little more effort than usual and leaned back.  
"I just worry what they'll think of me," she said a little quieter.  
"Amanda, women get pregnant every day, you're not a freak of nature," he said with his kind voice. The last thing he wanted to do was make her feel worse.  
"I know, I know. I just don't want the attention I guess." He saw her start to pick at her own nails.

"Can I help in any way?" he asked and was happy to see a smile sneak back upon her face.  
"You already are by just being here," she let him know. They sat there just looking at each other for a while but then her cheeks turned a little darker and she had to look away.

"There's something else I'd like to ask you?" he said and she looked up at him again as she got curious.  
"What?" she asked.  
"Well I was thinking, only if it's okay with you of course, but I'd like to tell Ken. About the baby." She looked a bit stunned.  
"Really?"  
"Yeah."

As the shock seemed to settle she got a content look on her face.  
"What would you tell him?" she asked with a shy smile on her face. Fin had to give that a thought.  
"Well I guess I'd tell him we've done the nasty and he's going to have a kid brother or sister soon." She chuckled and shook her head at him.

"Would it be okay with you? That I tell I mean?"  
"Well I'd prefer if you didn't tell him about the nasty," she smiled at him and it was his time to let out a chuckle.  
"Seriously though," he said as he settled, "I was thinking it would be better since well I like you to keep coming to thanksgiving and such and I don't want it to be awkward for you once he or she is here."

"Would you tell Teresa too?"  
"Telling Ken will probably mean Theresa and Alejandro too yes. Problem?" She shrugged her shoulders but shook her head soon after.  
"So it would be okay if Ken wanted to see the little rugrat once it's here?" She nodded but he could tell she was thinking of something.

"But what would you tell him about us?" she hesitated a bit as she asked him.  
"Well I'd tell him it's a bit complicated. He's a smart kid, he'll figure it out I'm sure," he said simply but could tell she wasn't all that satisfied with his answer.

"What would you prefer I told him?" he asked. She seemed to think about it but then she just shrugged her shoulders. She wasn't sure how she felt about all this. A part of her felt excited and perhaps a bit relieved. Someone else would know about them. In a way that made it feel like less of a burden. Not that she thought of their relationship as a burden but it just felt good that someone would know the truth. But then there was the part of her that wanted more. She'd prefer if they perhaps could be a little more 'out' to his son and extended family. She hoped it wouldn't be too weird for Teresa though. Amanda liked her. Teresa made her feel at home over at her place. Like she belonged. She hoped a baby with the father of Teresa's son wouldn't change that.

She got pulled from her thoughts as Fin rose from his chair and walked up to her. She smiled as he got near. He pulled her knees apart so he could get in-between them and as close as possible to her.  
"I don't have to tell him if you don't want me to," he said seriously.  
"No, it's okay. It's only good if the baby has a few more people around it I guess," she'd worried about the isolation and lack of family so it really was a good thing. He had a good look at her to try and get a read on her. It seemed she'd gotten a bit mysterious to him lately. She made a funny face at him as his stare got too intense. He put his arms around her, grabbed a hold of her ass and pulled her out towards him. She got a wide smile on her face and she put her arms up on his shoulders.

"So it's been a while since you told me anything about the baby. What's going on in there this week?" he asked and she got a pondering look over her face as she tried to recall what was in the baby book.  
"Well it can hear your voice by now," she told him.  
"It's that cause the ear's finally in their right place?" he asked and she chuckled.

"I don't know. And it's the size of a palm."  
"Yours or mine?"  
"I don't know," she answered again and put her lips to his. He pulled away after a few seconds.

"What else?" he asked and she seemed to think about it.  
"Sucking and swallowing," she said.  
"I hope you're talking about the baby," he said quickly.

"Sick," she whispered and shook her head at him. He could tell from the smile on her face though that she got the joke.  
"Oh," she said as she thought of it, "next week it's going to have its own set of unique fingerprints."  
"Can't get away with murder any longer then."  
"And it will start moving around more, probably start kickin' and stuff."

"You can find out the gender soon right?" he asked, he remembered reading that somewhere. She nodded.  
"At the next ultrasound," she informed him.  
"Do you want to?" he asked and she shrugged her shoulder.  
"I was thinking maybe if you found out it would be easier for you to relate to him or her," he said it carefully. Her face got a little vary.  
"You think I need to? Relate more?" she asked and he felt her fiddle with her fingers on his back as she avoided meeting his eyes.

"Maybe a little," he moved his hands up inside her shirt as he felt like feeling her skin underneath his hand. He caressed her tenderly. Her eyes came up to meet his. He raised his eyebrows at her and after just a short while she nodded at him. No more needed to be said. She got what he meant and he was right so she couldn't fight him. He tilted his head a little and came in a little closer. He stopped before he reached her though and let her close the distance. She opened up her lips to let him in and he quickly responded. He pulled her into him even further and she locked her arms around his neck as the kiss got deeper. She felt his hands move in underneath her and she locked her feet around him as he lifted her off the counter. It didn't take them long to reach the bedroom.

**Two days later** she got an opportunity to tell the rest of the squad as they were all gathered by the table in the squad room going through the evidence in their latest case. Even Munch was present. It was a rare treat seeing how he spent most of his time over at Cold case these days. She feared they'd soon loose him to Cold case all together. As Cragen rounded off she cleared her throat to get his attention and then asked if she could have a minute. He looked pleased as he left her the table since he figured it was finally time for her to let the others in on the secret she'd been keeping from them. She looked around the table. Nick looked both curious and inpatient. Munch had his usual cool face on and had leaned back in his chair with his arms crossed over his chest. Olivia seemed to stare her down. Amanda could never get used to her intense stare, it made her feel judged for some reason. Fin gave her a tiny wink and she fueled strength from him and just came out and said it.

They'd all looked a bit stunned. Even Munch, but just for a brief second or so. She'd seen their eyes travel down to her stomach unconsciously. They had nothing for that. She'd been starting to wear her shirt out for about a week now since she started to feel her pants stretch a little in the waistline. There had been an awkward silent pause but then Munch had blurted out _'well Mazel tov'_ and gotten up to give her a big hug. He'd said something about how he couldn't wait to meet the kid, he was sure it would have a perfect mix of southern sass and the New York flare. His seemingly honest happiness warmed her heart and made her feel a little more at ease. She didn't even mind that he had patted her stomach just a little as he let go off her so Nick could give her a hug.

When Nick had said his congrats she went on to let them know that she'd asked the captain to be out on the street as long as possible. She clarified though that she understood if anyone didn't feel comfortable partnering up with her and she wouldn't take offence. She added that Fin was willing to put up with her if anyone else wasn't. Munch had made a joke about if she'd offered him the role of godfather and Fin had chuckled a bit nervously still sitting on his chair. Nick had said he had no problem going out with her if she would just let him do the tackling from now on. She hadn't done much tackling at all lately and she promised she wouldn't start now.

Finally Liv had gotten up and came around to give Amanda a hug. She agreed with the others that she didn't mind partnering up with her. She'd smiled but Amanda thought she saw some sadness in her eyes, she couldn't figure out why though and just shook it off. She let them know she'd be on desk duty once the stomach got in the way so they really didn't have to worry about her butt-kicking perps with her bump. It had all ended on a good note and she was happy it was over with.

**For the next few days** though the news of her pregnancy spread rapidly through the entire station and she had to put up with lots of hugs, congrats and even some high-fives which felt a bit odd. If Amanda got all the praise, Fin had to handle grief behind her back though. They kept bugging him about having a partner that would rage with hormones. Making her sound like she would turn into a she-devil sooner or later. He hadn't really thought about that aspect. She would, perhaps even was, handling a lot of hormones in her system and he made a mental note to try and keep that in mind. Thankfully though Amanda wouldn't have that much problem with hormones. Sure she would have a few lows along the way but for most parts she was mostly struggling with what kind of mother she would be and all fears of what legacy her child would inherit from her side of the family. If she had to get any Rollins genes Amanda was hoping they would be from grandma Faith and none other.

During the coming week Amanda would start to feel the baby move and it was a bit of a shock. She could no longer pretend this wasn't going to happen. As she laid down for the night she'd gotten into this habit of trying to connect with the baby. It was something she'd read in a book. She touched her stomach, tried to imagine where the head was at and if it was sleeping or awake. She knew that it could hear voices apparently but she felt odd talking to her stomach. She tried sometimes but just thought she sounded ridiculous and gave up. Fin did it one time. Talk to her stomach. That was beyond odd but for just a short while it also felt oddly normal. They could've been any two soon to be parents. But as she chuckled and slapped his clean shaved head to push him away she realized they weren't. They were still just working partners for anyone outside these four walls.

**But that wouldn't be the case for much longer** as Fin had asked his son to have dinner with him that week. He'd decided to take him out on a restaurant and fill his son in on what was going on. There were two reasons for him chosing a restaurant. First one was that he wasn't the best cook. Second one was that he actually felt somewhat tense and not sitting tight in his apartment felt better. When Fin arrived Ken was already situated at a table. He was as punctual as his mother.

"Ken," Fin said to get his attention as he was looking through the menu. Ken got up and stepped out from the table so they could connect hands and then hug.  
"Dad," Ken said close to his father's ear. They sat down and exchanged the usual _'how are you'_ and _'how's work'_ only briefly interrupted by a waiter that took their drink order. Fin went on to ask how his son's fiancée Alejandro was doing, if he'd seen his mother lately and then it was time to order food. These days Fin really enjoyed spending time with his son and couldn't believe that it hadn't always been like that. He hadn't been there for his son as he grew up. There wasn't anything Fin could do about that now, he could only try and be a good dad to him right now. It did however make Fin think about the kid he would now father. How would that work out when he couldn't own up to most of his world that he was the father?

"Dad?" Fin was brought back by his son's voice. Ken had seen his father zoom out of the conversation they were having and he'd let him for a little while. Ken wasn't stupid. He knew there was a reason his father had asked him out for dinner. Not that his father didn't spend time with him but it was usually Ken who had to set it up. His father was just a… well typical male perhaps. He was honest to the point off hurtful at times but Ken had learnt to appreciate that as he grew older. Ken missed his father if he didn't hear from him for a week but for Fin weeks could pass by like it was only days. His dad had accepted Ken being gay and he had accepted Alejandro more openly than Ken ever could have hoped for. Ken, these days, accepted his father for who he was. That didn't mean he didn't sometimes wish his father could be more open with his feelings and perhaps be a little less… manly. So when Ken got his call last week he wondered what was up. And now as his dad was deep in thought he started to worry a bit that it was something really serious. He hoped his dad wasn't sick or anything.

Fin looked up at his son with a little distress on his face.  
"Where did you go?" Ken asked. Fin put down his fork as he realized the time had come. He needed to get another beer in though before and waved the waiter over. Ken could see his dad was stressing out about something and let him take his time. Once the beer was finally there and almost half of it was down in one swipe it was time to bite the bullet.

"So Ken," he started.  
"So dad," Ken mimicked his dad and it served its purpose, he got his dad's face to temporarily break into a smile. Ken smiled back but then leaned back in his chair to give his dad the room he needed to get this off his chest. Fin took a deep breath.

"Well there's something going on that I feel I need to tell you," it took him ages to get just that line out. Ken looked a little worried.  
"I'm not dying or anything," he quickly added as he saw his son's face. Ken seemed relieved. Fin took another swipe of his beer to clear his throat.  
"So you know my partner, Rollins," he said and Ken couldn't help but smile a little. So was his dad finally coming clean that they were more than partners?

"Amanda, yeah," Ken said and tried to confine his amusement a little.  
"Well you know we're tight and all, she's a great partner," Fin wasn't sure how to get to the point and trailed off.  
"When she got shot, well that was hard, not…" he stopped cold not liking what road he went down. Ken sat up a little in his chair. He felt like his dad needed a little help.

"I know that was hard for you. It was hard for me to see you in the hospital. And seeing her too of course. I like seeing her around mom's house. She brings out a good side of you dad. I like Amanda," Ken said.  
"Well that's good to know son cause she's having your little brother or sister," Fin said and Ken's jaw dropped a little. That was not what he expected to hear.  
"For real?" he had to ask as he tried to appr? this news. Fin nodded.

"When?"  
"Around new years."  
"Wow, well I'm a bit stunned dad. This wasn't really what I was expecting," Ken admitted.  
"Well not me either but it happen and we're dealing with it."

"So, what does that mean for you and Amanda? I mean are you a couple? Are you still partners?"  
"Oh no we're not a couple. We just, well hooked up a few times and then after the shooting the baby sorta just happen," Fin tried to explain.  
"Dad a baby just doesn't happen. How is Amanda dealing with this?" Ken felt a bit of anger brewing in his gut. This felt a bit too familiar and he drew parallels between his mom and Amanda.  
"She's dealing. We are both in agreement we want to stay partners and we keep our business to ourselves so we can stay that. You're the only one who knows," Fin got interrupted.

"So you're not stepping up as the father?" Ken felt the anger flare now.  
"Hey cool it. Of course I will. Just not in front of the squad. Amanda knows I have her back and it's a mutual decision."  
"Are you sure about that?"  
"Hey, I l…," Fin stopped himself and took a breath before he continued; "I care about her a lot. We just can't be together."  
"Why not?" Ken didn't get it.  
"It's complicated son. This is how we're going to play it okay? It was her decision to keep the baby and of course I'm going to stand by her decision. And I felt I needed to tell you since it will be your blood too." Ken shook his head a little. He tried to twist this information around in his head a little before he was ready to talk again.

"How does Amanda feel about you telling me this then?" Ken asked.  
"She's cool," Fin said and was just a little too nonchalant than Ken liked to see.  
"And if I wanted to see this babybrother or sister of mine?"  
"She's cool with it," Fin said.  
"Just as long as, what? I don't tell anyone I'm his or her brother?"

"We haven't really worked out everything okay. Just don't spread it around," Fin said with a sigh. Fin had been so busy thinking about how to tell Ken he hadn't really thought about how Ken would react. He'd figured he'd be shocked but happy. Ken had always wanted a sibling when he was younger. Sure some time had passed, and he was almost the same age as the one who'd give him a sibling now. Fin realized he hadn't thought this through enough but he still felt right telling Ken.

Ken grabbed his soda and leaned back in his chair. While he drank he tried to steam off a little. He did realize some of this anger was some old grudge that the kid inside him still had against the absent father. They were both adults now though and Ken needed to act like one. Perhaps his dad and Amanda had a mutual agreement about the baby. Maybe it was nothing like with his mom even though it did sound like his dad took the easy ride once again. Ken looked at his dad seriously as he put down his glass.

"I can't keep it from mom and Alejandro," Ken said.  
"I know. It's cool," Fin nodded. Ken felt like shoving his dad's '_cool_' down his own throat.  
"So at Christmas and Thanksgiving, are we going to pretend that things are just as normal? Like you're just partners as you put it? And there will be a baby running around and we'll call it what?"  
"Why do we have to label it?" Fin asked and Ken had to move a little in his chair as he felt that anger flare again. He took a few deep breaths until he felt calm again. Then he was able to look at his dad again.

"Okay dad. I still think it's… honestly fucked up," he took a pause since he rarely used that vocabulary and it felt odd to hear it roll of his own tongue, "but I do want to be a part of that baby's life since it is my blood. Will it be possible for you and Amanda to come over for dinner, perhaps next week?"  
"Sure, I'll ask her but I'm sure she's up for it," Fin smiled a little.  
"Good. I'm sure Alejandro will be ecstatic about the baby, I'll try to contain him though," Ken said and Fin's smile widen.  
"No, don't. I think it would be good for Amanda to feel some of that. She's been… struggling a bit with this whole becoming a mother thing," Fin tried to explain without hanging her out. Ken just saw a man that showed some concern though and he realized he might have jumped to conclusion about his dad just ducking out.

They would meet each other again the next week for dinner and Alejandro and Amanda would also be there. Alejandro would be as expected overjoyed with Amanda's pregnancy. He'd somehow even talk Amanda into letting him feel her stomach which would be the first time one other than herself, Fin or her ob/gyn would do so. It would turn out to be a pleasant dinner and not as awkward as Ken would fear it would be. And Amanda would even have some more news for them.

**She'd been thinking a lot about** what Fin said about bonding with the baby, accepting she'd be a mom in a not so distant future. And she knew he was right. With her childhood and the profession she'd chosen she was surprised she hadn't given up on children and having a family of her own. But the thought had always been there. Not that she'd gone around thinking about it constantly but during those moments where you flipped through a magazine and saw some home design article with the mom and the dad and the children, she'd wished for that. Some stability of some sort. People around her that loved her and gave a damn when she'd be home or away. Something that was far from her own family.

She didn't plan for it to be like this though and with the situation with Fin just being… in a way the most solid relationship she'd ever had but yet so darn complicated and fragile it just scared her. She wanted her baby to have stability, loving parents and that fucking perfect home in that home decor magazine. She couldn't lie to herself. She feared she couldn't give this to her baby. She would love it, she knew she would love the baby once it was here and she would do her darndest to give it stability. And some normalcy that she felt her own childhood lacked. But it wouldn't be in that perfect home in that article with the titles Mom before her own name, Dad before Fin's name and Son or Daughter in front of her baby's name.

Distancing herself from reality wasn't a good tactic. She'd tried it before and it had worked but this was a reality that became very much a reality after nine months and thus far not something she could distance herself from forever. So at her next appointment at doctor Ally's as they were doing her second trimester ultrasound she'd decided to let Ally tell her the gender if it was possible. That way she could start to think of the 'it' as her son or daughter. It would be more of a person Amanda figured.

"So Amanda everything is progressing just fine according to all tests," Ally told her with her head still in her journal looking through Amanda's blood stats and such. She folded it shut and looked up.  
"You ready to go next doors for the ultrasound?" Ally asked and Amanda nodded. This would be the third ultrasound in just a few weeks so Amanda knew the drill by now. Ally's nurse was also present this day to help everything go even smoother. Ally ran her usual routine and got all measurements of the baby and made sure everything looked find inside her womb.

"Okay Amanda I got everything I need," Ally said, "it's up to you now. You want to know if you're having a boy or a girl?" Amanda took a deep breath. She wasn't sure why she felt so nervous about this. Ally had that usual happy disposition of hers and waited for an answer. Amanda nodded.  
"Sure?" Ally asked to make sure and Amanda nodded again.

"Okay," Ally said and got the transducer moving across her stomach again. Amanda felt her corner in on an area and Ally pushed a few buttons on the monitor. Ally had already turned the monitor so Amanda could see it and this time Amanda had no trouble seeing the baby at first glance. How the doctor could tell a gender from it though was still a mystery to her. But as Ally turned and smiled at her she figured she knew.  
"Amanda, you're having a…"

**XXX**

**I'm so mean. I know ;)**  
**I hope you're still enjoying this fanfic. It's fun to write anyways and with all the Finanda feels in the last episode - Poisoned Motive - I couldn't be happier. I keep hoping that when we'll see - to quote Warren Leight - "_who everyone in the unit wakes up with and spend their day_" in the finale episode it will show Fin & Amanda together but that would be too much of a utopia I know. Still hoping though.**

**Oh and I just wanted to let you know that when I pick up my laptop to write this particular fanfic I seem to always get that Pink song in my head. You know the one with Nate Reuss? _Just give me a reason_. I love that song. And it symbolize in a way how I see Fin & Amanda's relationship. Here you have two people who are so obviously in love with each other and their love is solid but still so fragile (like Amanda described it in this chapter). Amanda (Pink in the song) has these worries, insecurities which mess things up and Fin (Nate) is just being a typical guy (yeah I know I'm sterotyping but whatever) ((I can actually relate more to Fin here, I'm like that in relationships too)) not making her feel secure enough cause he sees it differently. She's just having bad dreams, making things up in her head that aren't there or doesn't have to be there. He just wants status quo.  
But anywho, have no fear I want them together and I'm sure they'll end up there but there's still some road to travel. To give you a spoiler (stop reading if you don't like spoilers, you've been warned) I have a chapter almost done which is inspired by the Bruno Mars song "_When I was your man_", so there's just not smooth sailing ahead for my two favorite detectives. Dun dun. Reviews/thoughts/feelings are welcomed & appreciated.**


	16. Birth

**Two weeks later** Fin could clearly see, or at least feel, the bump that was going to be a baby in less than five months. She hid it well at work though, kept her shirt outside her pants and she showed nothing of the slight backache and leg cramps Fin knew she was struggling with. Her appetite had picked up a lot but since she'd been underweight since the shooting it was only good for her as well as the baby. Fin learnt quickly to buy an extra portion when he brought food over since these days it was her stealing food from him and not the other way around.

Her sister had been in town for a visit over the weekend and he had left the two to themselves. They'd spent so much time together lately he actually felt a bit of withdrawal symptoms. He kept himself busy though, gone out with Ricky and the boys that he had neglected lately. Ricky had as usual asked about Amanda and Fin had let him know she was pregnant. His response had been 'shoot, then that ship has sailed'. Fin's friends knew nothing about him and Amanda and he kept it that way. When Monday came he came in earlier than usual and felt good as he saw Amanda at her desk. He felt even better once he saw her smile as she saw him walking in.

"How did the weekend with your sister go?" he asked as he put his jacket over his chair.  
"Okay, wasn't as bad as anticipated," she let him know. She looked relaxed which was a good sign. In the past she'd been high strung whenever her sister was around.  
"What did you do?"  
"We went to the movies. She forced me to do some baby clothes shopping," she rolled her eyes as she shook her head. She was doing better with the bonding but she still was afraid she would jinx something if she planned too much a head.  
"She still around?" he asked.  
"Said goodbye this morning. She's leaving on a bus right before lunch. A friend set her up with some job back home so she needed to head back," she let him know.  
"Can I stop by later then? See what hideous things she made you buy," he asked and she nodded.  
"Sure," she felt like adding 'I missed you' but of course didn't. Liv and Nick walked in and got them back in work mode.

**As usual they** took their own separate cars to her place after shift to not raise suspicion. He took a detour to pick up some food from a favorite place of Amanda's. He let himself inside as he got to her place but found the kitchen empty. No plates or drinks on the table. He left the paper bag on the table and went further in to try and find her. He found her stretched out on her bed, one hand covering her eyes and the other one rubbing her stomach.

"Hey," he said quietly as he entered to let her know he was there in case she'd missed the front door opening. She moved her hand off her eyes and gave him a faint smile. He could tell she was pale though and the smile was strained. He walked up around the bed and got up beside her. He planted a kiss on her bare arm before he lay down next to her.  
"Pain?" he asked and she made a face that tried to downplay it. By now though he knew that face.  
"Is it your back again?" he asked and she nodded a little as she took a deep breath.

"And someone decided to start wiggling around to add to it," she sighed but with a tiny smile as she met his eyes. He smiled and looked down on her hand on her stomach. He let his hand go down her arm and then in underneath her hand. He entwined his fingers with hers and moved their hands slowly across her stomach. He stopped as he felt the baby move and he looked up at her with a big grin on his face. She sighed with a smile.

"Running a mile or something," she whispered.  
"Like mother like daughter," he smiled and planted a kiss on her lips. They both felt the baby move again and both lips turned upwards still locked. He rose up as he started laughing.

"I've never felt her this much before," she whispered. The little girl she was carrying had made her presence known for some time now but never this strong. It literary felt like she was running on a treadmill in there. Fin kept searching for movement and Amanda enjoyed seeing his eyes pop every time he caught up to one of her kicks. She finally settled down though and Fin brought Amanda's hand up to his lips.

"You want a back massage?" he suggested. She seemed to think about it but then her scrunched nose let him know she decided against it.  
"You're hungry!" he said and she smiled. It felt odd that he could read her without her having to say anything but she had to admit it felt good having someone around that got her instantly. She nodded.  
"You wanna eat in here?"  
"Nah, I better slobber at the table," she said and gave him a crocked smile. She didn't move immediately though but finally took a deep breath and made an attempt to get up. Fin helped her by putting his palm to her shoulder. She gave him a glare but couldn't keep a smile off her lips.

"Hey I'm not a whale yet," she said but couldn't sound annoyed.  
"I know I know," he said and got up on his knees behind her, "I take any chance to put my hands on you though." He smiled as he wrapped his arms around her and got his lips to her neck as she tried to get away as she knew it would tickle her. She squirmed in his arms as he tasted her neck and he enjoyed hearing her contagious giggling as his facial hair tickled her sensitive skin. It was something else the pregnancy had brought on. She'd always had sensitive spots but lately it was like her entire skin was sensitive. And he knew how to take advantage of that. Right now though he was hungry too and instead of luring her back to bed he helped her up off it.

**Amanda felt blessed** that she'd so far had a rather easy pregnancy. She suffered only some slight backaches and the nightly leg cramps didn't interrupt her sleep that much. Most importantly she was still by the 23rd week not showing much. It was only her stomach that was expanding some but she could still easily hide it underneath her shirt. She was still very much an active part of the squad. Fin managed to treat her just the same at work while Cragen hovered a bit. She understood why, it was part of his job as a captain and he managed to do it in a way that didn't feel intrusive.

Olivia treated her just the same while Nick however had changed his tune drastically. She was used to throwing lip with him but he stepped off way too easily these days. For some reason though she didn't really mind and she worried this pregnancy was making her mature or something. But as she got more pregnant she would appreciate those small but kind gestures of his. He clearly had his wife's pregnancy still fresh in mind and seemed able to pick up on what stage in the pregnancy Amanda was at. Like the following week when all of a sudden that pregnancy brain that she'd read about hit her. Suddenly she couldn't find her car keys or misplaced papers for cases and interviews. It made her feel stupid and very much out of character.

"Are you coming?" Fin shouted from the gate as Amanda came back for a second time to her desk to get something she forgot.  
"Yeah, yeah," she mumbled as she looked her desk over. Nick had watched them since the two partners first tried to leave the station to go interview a shop owner that employed their latest victim _and_ their suspect. He knew Amanda was a very independent woman and she hated to get special treatment. She frowned at chivalry and she'd bit his head off more than once when he'd just tried to come to her aid in the past. But he'd missed that when she was gone from the squad room after her shooting. Since she'd been back, really back, he had to hide his amusement whenever he heard her sass on the street or tuff lip in the interrogation room. She was needed in their squad family. And he'd been happy but also intrigued when she'd announced she was pregnant. He was very curious of her private life but she rarely opened up. He'd met her sister only briefly and they seemed like total opposites. He knew he shouldn't be this curious about who got her pregnant but he couldn't stop wondering. And he knew exactly what was going on right now.

He'd watched her turn back for the file only to come back for her jacket. Now that she was back again he saw the file on the chair between her and Fin's desk. He got up of his chair and grabbed it. He handed it to her and she looked as though she felt caught doing something wrong.  
"Don't worry okay, this is normal. It will last a while, the forgetfulness, but you'll be back to your old self with time," he gave her a little smile and dared to touch her arm.  
"Can we get out of here?" Fin shouted from the gate. Amanda gave him a glare over her shoulder and then turned back to Nick. She gestured a little with the file.  
"Thanks for this, and for…" she wasn't sure what to say but he got it and nodded. "Better run," she smiled and headed out.

**Two weeks later** she could no longer hide her growing belly. She tried her best but larger shirts just made her look even bigger and the summer heat wouldn't ease its grip so she couldn't hide under a fall jacket either. She didn't want to force Cragen to order her off the streets so she stepped into his office one day and told him she was ready. That didn't mean she had to like it though. They came to an arrangement that she would stop handling perps but she could still take witness statements and do door to door and things like that for a few more weeks. It made her feel a little bit better cause then she wouldn't be totally useless. She knew she was helpful with her computer skills but there was only so much information you could get electronically. She loved interrogating people, especially the sneaky ones.

Fin wasn't enjoying her pregnancy that much these days. And that was mostly because overnight she'd gone from sexy mama to 'touch me and you die'. They spent more time apart these days. She seemed to need her space and he hoped he read her right. He tried to ask in his own subtle way. Some days he sensed she had a rough night or was just a little out of balance and those days he forced himself on her even if she shot him down. He made sure she ate, tried to do whatever homeservice that was needed and made sure she got some rest anyway he was able to.

As she entered her third trimester she was bound to desk work whether she liked it or not. That was the deal she'd made with Cragen. Sitting at her desk she could fool an outsider cause it was still mostly her stomach that was expanding. Nothing on the face or arms. Fin noticed though that her breast size had increased some but it was probably not something anyone else spotted. Cragen had fixed her a more comfortable chair that she'd gladly accepted cause it did wonders for her back ache and sitting down in it she felt almost nothing of it. She was still a bit forgetful but made lists to make sure she got tasks done and just tried to focus hard and leave things in the same spot all the time so not to lose them.

She had some trouble with dizzy spells lately but it was never to the point she felt like she was fainting thankfully. Clumsiness was another unwelcomed guest. She tripped on her own feet and bumped in to things. She'd always had good control of her body so this was a hard one for her. And it made her cause a scene ever so often. Dropping her cup of iced tea made people turn their heads and come to her aid. The sound a chair made when she bumped into it, and even worse, the profanities that came out of her mouth when she hurt a toe or an elbow and she couldn't bite the sudden pain down. It all caused a scene and she hated it.

She appreciated though that the entire squad room tried their best to treat her just the same. It was almost as she suspected that Fin had threaten them all to just act normal around her. It was only common decency to help out when someone spilled or dropped papers on the ground. It was just that it so rarely happen to her and she felt like the biggest klutz ever. But the station was okay, she was safe there. On the outside though she ran into some nutty people who seemed to think her stomach was open territory.

Fin and Amanda had stopped for something to eat on the way over to her place. Amanda's truck had finally collapsed all together and Fin had talked her into getting a more sensible car now that she would have a young one to drive around too. She hadn't made up her mind just yet though and meanwhile Fin was her ride. After they'd eaten Fin had run across the street to buy some groceries for her. She was still drinking buck loads of milk and he didn't want her to carry heavy bags right now. She was going to wait in the car but since the baby kicked up a storm after the food she just had she paced the street a little with her one-cup-a-day cup of iced tea in her hand. As Fin came back he noticed an older man by her side and as he came up on the street he could see his hand was on her stomach. Amanda had a not so friendly smile on her face even though the man looked harmless. Fin saw her extend her hand to his round stomach and patted it as she said something. The man got a shocked look on his face and walked away quickly. Amanda turned to the car and it happen to be the same way Fin was coming from.

"What was that all about?" Fin asked. She shook her head and opened up the car door to get in. He tossed the grocery bag in the back seat and stepped into the driver's seat. He waited to turn the engine on though until she looked at him. He wouldn't drive until she talked and she knew it. She rolled her eyes, sighed and looked out the window.  
"I'm just so bloody tired of people thinking they can rub your belly just cause they feel like it. I should bloody arrest their ass for groping," she hissed through clinched teeth. She looked over at him and wasn't pleased with the slight hint of amusement on his face.  
"Common, they should bloody hell keep their hands off me," she complained and it sounded more like a whine this time around.  
"What did you say to him?" he asked still with a slight smile on his face. She tried to keep a straight face but failed. She sighed and shook her head.  
"He asked me when I was having my baby so I just asked him when he was having his," she told him. Fin chuckled as he started the engine.  
"You're so bad," he laughed as he drove off.

**Two days later** she found a plain gift box on her desk.  
"What's this?" she asked and looked at Fin who was sitting at his desk.  
"Open it," he just said and she did once she realized he wasn't saying more. She got the box open and found a navy blue top in it and as she looked closer she saw the print on the front. She crumbled the top and looked over at him as she shook her head. Again she tried to keep a straight face but couldn't. Fin had a very content smile on his face.

"What is it?" Nick asked as he was curious and got up from his desk and took a few steps towards them.  
"Common, show him," Fin urged. Amanda shook her head but then unfolded the top and held it up so both Nick and Liv could read the print. In bold white letters it was written across the stomach "Touch and I'll arrest your ss". Nick started laughing and Liv got a smile on her face. Fin got up off his chair and started telling them what happen the other day on the street with the older man.  
"Classic Rollins," Nick said when Fin finished the story. Fin gave him knuckles and both men laughed a little more as they got back to their desks. Liv and Amanda exchanged looks before everyone got back to work.

**A little later that day** as their shift came to an end Liv walked in to the changing room to get something out of her locker. As she was doing that Amanda stepped out of the bathroom with her pants still only half done.  
"Oh sorry, thought I was still alone," Amanda said. Liv just shot her a smile. Amanda walked over to her locker where her bag laid open in front of it. Amanda made a growling sound and Liv looked over.

"Getting tight?" Liv asked with a smile on her face as she could see Amanda struggling to get her pants buttoned up.  
"Yeah," Amanda sighed and made one last attempt otherwise she'd just leave the button below her stomach open she'd decided. She made it and sat down with a sigh of relief. Liv shot her another smile and sat down too to put on a different pair of shoes.

"How is everything going with," Liv wasn't sure what to say and ended up gesturing a little towards her stomach. Amanda gave it a quick thought. This was the first time Liv had asked or talked to her about her pregnancy and she caught Amanda a little off guard.  
"Well it's going according to plan I guess," Amanda made a mischievous face.  
"It has its ups and downs. But I guess that's how it's supposed to be?" Amanda smiled.  
"What's the downs?" Liv asked and stopped what she was doing to really listen to Amanda.  
"The back aches, forgetfulness and the clumsiness I guess. But it's not that bad. It's a drag sitting behind the desk all the time though," Amanda let her know and Liv nodded.

"And the ups?" she asked and Amanda thought about it. Her hand unconsciously went to her stomach and Liv watched her rub it a little. Amanda wasn't sure how to say it and felt embarrassed as her eyes teared up a little. She shrugged her shoulders and tried a smile to cover her emotions up.  
"It's gonna be a little person," she said a little more quiet, "and we'll have this bond. I hope," she added and shook her head a little.  
"You will," Liv smiled. The room went quiet for a little while.

"How does it feel," Liv then suddenly started and after a slight hesitation continued; "to have a baby growing inside you?"  
"Weird," Amanda answered spontaneously and both chuckled a little. Amanda got serious quickly though and said;  
"It's amazing but terrifying." Liv stared her down, listening closely.

"You have no control. I mean you do what you can but it's moving along in there beyond your control and you can only hope she's doing okay. You feel bloated and uncomfortable and miserable one day and then feel bad for feeling sorry for yourself cause it's truly something amazing going on in there." She took a pause and shot Liv a look. She wasn't sure how personal she dared to get here or why Liv had asked her about her pregnancy. She decided to just wing it.

"I didn't realize I was pregnant you know. I guess I should have known but there was just so much going on after the shooting and all. And then when I found out I just pushed it a way a little I guess. It was too much to handle. Too messy. And I feel bad now for ever thinking I didn't want her here. In my life." Liv nodded. She didn't have to say anything, Amanda felt she understood.  
"And now I just want to meet her. Hold her. Protect her. But I'm still terrified," she let out a chuckle, "with my fucked up family I'm just afraid I'll screw her up too."  
"You won't," Liv whispered. Amanda shot her an appreciating smile. Amanda suddenly just froze and Liv noticed.

"What?" Liv asked. Amanda smiled a little with her eyes somewhere far off.  
"That weird part I told you about," she said and managed to focus her eyes on Liv again. Liv nodded.  
"She gets hiccups. It's the weirdest thing to feel that inside you," Amanda smiled.  
"She has them right now?" Liv asked and it was Amanda's turn to nod.  
"You wanna feel it?" Amanda asked. Liv immediately sat up but then hesitated.  
"You won't arrest me will you?" Amanda chuckled and shook her head. She grabbed Liv's hand as she extended it and she placed it to the left of her stomach. She placed her hand above Liv's and pushed it down. It was Liv's turn to gaze into nothing and as soon as she felt the tiny hiccups going on inside Amanda her smile grew wider.  
"Weird eh?" Amanda whispered.  
"Really weird," Liv smiled. It continued for several minutes and they just sat there, both of them feeling it in different ways. Once the baby girl finally came to rest again Amanda let go off Liv's hand so she could have it back.  
"Amazing," Liv smiled.

**Hormones hadn't been that** much of a problem for Amanda so far in the pregnancy but Fin started to worry they began to get to his partner more and more. Fin saw her put on a strong face at work but knew that wasn't how she felt most days. This was one of those days. One of those days when he could see the small cracks on her face. He figured it might have something to do with the case they were working. It involved a young girl who'd gotten abused for a while and it looked to be a teachers aid. The young girl hadn't been able to give a useable statement. The girl's mother, a single hard working mother, was devastated and blamed herself for not noticing it sooner. Amanda had stayed with the little girl in the interview room while Liv and Nick talked to the mother in one of the interrogation rooms. Fin meanwhile tried to locate the teachers aid who seemed to have gone in to hiding. Fin had been out most of the day and once he finally came back in – without the suspect unfortunately – Liv let him know that the little girl had opened up a lot to Amanda and there were no longer any doubts that they were after the right suspect. Liv added that Amanda had gone home looking a bit gloomy. He tried calling her but only got her voicemail so he decided to head over there.

He found her apartment quiet and unlit and her on top of her bedcover. She was curled up in a fetal position. A position he knew worked best to ease her back pains.  
"Hey," he whispered and let his hand sneak up her spine underneath her top. She squirmed away from him quickly though.  
"Don't," she whined. He knew better than to take it personal and instead walked around the bed and climbed up in front of her. He reached up to the bed stand and put the light on so he could see her better. She let out a string of sounds that let him know she didn't like it and she covered her eyes with her hand. He laid down in front of her, with space to not crowd her. He put his head in his hand and just waited for her. It took a while but then finally at least her hand came down off her eyes. She kept her eyes closed though. He kept watching her and fought hard to not reach out and touch her face. He'd never got the whole 'pregnant women are glowing' until now. She truly was glowing even now that her face scrunched up. She could feel his eyes on her and she didn't like it.

"Common tell me what's wrong?" he asked her. She squirmed a bit, feeling frustrated.  
"Nothing's wrong. I just want to sleep," she complained.  
"I don't believe you," he said frankly. She opened her eyes but closed them shut quickly as the light hurt them.  
"Why can't you stop bugging me," she sighed and got back into her fetal position. She squeezed her eyes shut as she felt tears burning behind them. He moved his hand down to the space between them to get as close to her as possible without actually touching her. He couldn't stay off her though and soon his finger just barely stroke her arm.

"Please talk to me," he begged. It was something very uncommon for him, to beg her to talk. Right now though it didn't feel weird.  
"I'm just having a bad day," she whispered and sounded more sad than whiny.  
"And that's okay. You are allowed to have a bad day you know."  
"So why don't you just leave me alone then?" The whiny was back in her voice again.  
"Cause sometimes it helps to talk." He found a freckle on her arm that he drew a circle around with his finger.  
"No. You won't get it," she complained.  
"Won't know that until you tell me now do you?"

Her body was aching and she tried rearranging her body to find a more comfortable spot but nothing felt comfortable right now.  
"Tell me," he begged again when she just kept squirming. She peeked up at him but then pinched her face back together again.  
"No, you'll just bug me," she whined as she tried again to find a comfortable position to ease her discomfort. Fin sighed loudly. He watch her keep squirming for several minutes, at times peeking up at him with an annoyed look on her face.

He got she was tired and cranky and why she was that way but he wasn't known for having that much patience.  
"Tell me," he said and now sounded a bit whiny too. She looked up at him with sulky lips and he waited for her to tell him whatever was going on inside that cute head of hers.  
"I'm fat," she whispered. His face dropped immediately. When she looked at him and saw his face she started growling slightly.  
"You do know you're pregnant right?" he said with a raised eyebrow. She growled again a little louder.  
"You have another person in there you know. Or maybe it really is ET in there and it's making all sorts of experiments on you, making you _fat_ and all," he over pronounced fat. She tried to hit him, hard, but it became just a girly pitiful slap and she felt even more useless. He backed off since he could see joking didn't ease her pain right now.

Something else was going on here. He grabbed her wrist gently and just held on to her until she finally met his eyes again.  
"Tell me," he whispered.  
"She called me fat," she said so quietly he could barely hear her.  
"Hannah?" he asked and she nodded. It was the girl from their investigation.  
"I told her I had a baby in there. She said she knew where babies came from. That it wasn't a stork. And she asked me if she was going to have a baby now too." Amanda bit down on her lip so hard it lost some color. Fin let go off his grip around her wrist and started stroking her arm.

"No don't," she whined and pulled her arm away from him. His hand was left stranded on the cover between them. He watched her pinch her eyes closed and a tear escaped from one of them.  
"We're gonna get him Amanda. And he'll pay for what he did."  
"It won't help her. What he put her through, that will never go away." She opened her eyes but kept them away from him.  
"It won't but you got her talking. And with help and more talking she has a fair chance now. And it _does_ help to get the perp. Getting him to own up to what he did and make him pay. That will help her," Fin got her attention and for a few seconds she seemed to drift off somewhere else. She took a breath and came back to present. He noticed her hand go down to her stomach.

"Nothing can happen to her," she said once his eyes came back up to hers again.  
"It won't, we got her," he said with that voice that could make her believe anything. He wanted to touch her but didn't dare too. She closed her eyes again. This time her face looked calm though. He figured she was falling asleep but then suddenly she started to roll over. He watched her tummy as she came over on her back and he smiled once he saw that cute bellybutton of hers. He'd teased her about it once he'd first seen that it had turned into an outie, he learnt that lesson though and wouldn't mention it again. He still found it cute though. She turned her back to him and he felt a sting of disappointment until she then slowly started to make her way backwards to him. He moved his hand so she could get all the way over to him. He saw her hand come up and he extended his and let her place his arm where she wanted it. She snuggled in a little closer to him and rearranged herself and his arm a few times until she finally seemed to find a spot that suited her. He put down his other hand and placed his head right behind hers on the bed. He stroke down some of her hair on the bed and came in a little closer.

"Smell me and I'll kill you," came her sleepy voice as she knew exactly what he was up to. He loved burying his face in her hair and inhale her scent. She felt his body chuckle next to hers right before she fell into a well needed slumber.

**Another few weeks passed by** and by week 33 she was starting to find it unbelievable that she could, and would, get even bigger. But she knew she was still small in comparison to other moms-to-be. She still had trouble with forgetfulness and the clumsiness was tiresome. Sometimes even dangerous. One day she slipped on the stairs to the station and was lucky she was able to grab the railing or those last three stone steps could have caused some serious injury. She wasn't sleeping well either, bathroom runs and leg cramps disturbed her sleep. Braxton hicks contractions bugged her too. They came during the most inconvenient times, like when they had a table gathering and the only thing that seemed to help was to stand up and she always got eyes on her when doing that. Nick knew what was going on and later gave her a tip that had helped his wife.

With the help of Fin she had started to get her apartment ready for the baby. They'd bought some of the basic stuff you needed and a few basic clothing. A crib had been bought but still stood undone in her bedroom. She had to admit it was sorta fun to look at baby stuff. And Fin didn't seem to mind that much. Amanda also enjoyed that store clerks probably figured they were a real couple but it also made her a bit sad that she couldn't just touch him a little out in public. Show some of that affection she felt for him. But she knew it was too dangerous. If she bent the rule just a little it was so easy to slip at work and that couldn't happen.

He'd gone with her to an ob/gyn appointment though. He'd been like a fish out of water in that examination room. Amanda had fun watching him stir in his chair. They'd talked about him being in the delivery room and when she told doctor Sandra she'd asked to meet him. Fin had been on a case when Ken was born and missed his birth so this would be a first for him. Ally gave him some material to read and she suggested they got busy with some childbirth classes straight away. Amanda had a hard time picturing the two of them in a class like that but sure enough next week they attended their first one. She had the hardest time keeping a straight face cause Fin looked like he was going to faint when their teacher showed them some images on a screen. They were both too immature to be there and at one point Amanda thought the teacher would throw them out. It was good though, she needed that laugh. They both wowed to each other that they would act a little better on the next class. This was something she needed to do with some distance though cause to be honest the birth freaked her out a little. She could handle the pain she figured but the responsibility that came once it was over scared the hell out of her.

**So far they'd met** Ken & Alejandro twice for dinner and Teresa had made Ken call Amanda to make sure she came from Thanksgiving this year just as last year. Amanda was looking forward to it but also somewhat nervous. It was still a few weeks away thankfully. Ken had called his dad though early that week and asked if he could see them one of these evenings, Fin figured he had a gift for Amanda or the baby. They'd set it up for the following Thursday but then Cragen had ordered Fin and Nick to drive up to Auburn correctional facility to interview an inmate that had information on a case they were working. It was at least a four hour drive one way and if the interview ran late she might have to meet Ken on her own. That made her feel nervous for some reason.

Amanda hadn't slept well that night. Crazy dreams had haunted her, the baby had moved around a lot and to add to it she had to make three bathroom runs during the night. She didn't feel rested at all when the alarm clock rang and came in tired to the station. She'd felt dizzy as she got up out of bed which wasn't that uncommon but it had lingered a bit longer than usual and the shower this morning had taken extra time just because of that. Through a text from Liv she learnt Liv and Cragen started their day over at court and a meeting with Barba so at least no one caught her coming in late. She knew Fin and Amaro had made a very early start this morning and she texted Fin to see where they were at. He soon texted back that they weren't even on the highway yet. His text was short but oozed of boredom. She still felt a sting of envy though, she would have loved to do that interview. There was something so intriguing about prisons, being locked in and what that did to the human psyche. Just one of many fascinations she had.

Liv had left her a few leads to follow up on Amanda's desk and she sat down to get going. She felt oddly unfocused though. The baby had finally settled down but this rhythmic lower back pain had taken over and it didn't ease up as she sat. She felt happy when Munch suddenly walked in, he'd more or less transferred to cold case by now and she missed him. They all did and Munch seemed to miss them some too because he looked sad to find the squad room almost empty. He probably sensed she was feeling lonely and he stayed put for a while to keep her company. He got an update on how the baby and mother-to-be were doing and then she listen to some of his stories from the long, dark corridors of cold case.

Soon she was alone again though and she had to make a bathroom run. She still felt dizzy and even a bit nauseous. She felt a bit better once back at her desk and she dove into the work she had at hand. She managed to get deep in it and only popped her head back up as she got a text. It was Fin and it simply read "Eat". She checked the clock and realized it was time for lunch. She usually got very hungry even before it was mealtime but apparently not today. She texted him back with a little white lie that she was already on it and added a question if they were at the prison yet. He texted back soon to let her know they'd stopped for lunch and had about an hour left. Traffic out had been really bad apparently and they were running late. She decided to go out for some lunch but had to do a bathroom run first. As she was trying to walk more than waddle across the parking lot her phone rang.

"You checking up on me?" she answered with as she saw who was calling.  
"I don't hear chewing," he said. She didn't care that he sounded overbearing, she just liked hearing Fin's voice.  
"Done chewing, waddling back to the station as we speak," she said.  
"You don't waddle, I don't know why you think that," he sighed.  
"You done with lunch too?" she said and sat down on the brick wall out on the street outside the station. Her back was killing her today.  
"Yeah, Amaro's on the can. He's worse than you, we had to stop twice on the way. You think he's pregnant?" Amanda chuckled. On his side, Fin smiled. He liked to hear her chuckle.

"What did you eat?" he asked and Amanda tried to think fast but she had pregnancy brain and she was blank.  
"Why did you lie to me?" he asked.  
"I didn't, I'm just running late. Everything takes so much damn time that's all. I'm still on my way out you know but then I had to hit the can and then I forgot my money and well I'm on my way now okay?" she vented. She needed that and took a deep breath. She didn't like the silence on the other side of the line though.  
"You don't have to lie to me though you know?" he said and she got tears in her eyes and she cursed her hormones.  
"Amanda?" he asked when he got no answer.  
"Yeah. And I know," she said and managed to keep her voice under control.  
"There's still a chance I'll make dinner tonight okay."  
"Okay."  
"Okay, pregnant man is back, gotta skip," Fin let her know.  
"Okay, see you later."  
"Later," Fin said and hung up.

She put her phone down but just stayed put a while. She didn't notice that Liv drove by. Liv saw her though and after she'd parked her car she came back out to see if she was still there. And she was.

"Amanda, you okay?" she asked and made her jump.  
"Oh I'm so sorry," Liv smiled and took a few steps closer. Amanda shook her head.  
"Don't worry I was just a thousand miles away," she felt embarrassed.  
"You feeling okay?" Liv asked with concern in her voice. Amanda nodded.  
"I'm on my way to get some lunch, and the phone just rang," she tried to excuse herself.  
"You want me to get you some lunch?" Liv asked.  
"You've eaten?" Amanda asked and Liv nodded.  
"We ate over at the court," she let her know and Amanda knew she was just offering to help and even though Amanda knew it was a kind gesture she didn't want special treatment.  
"No, I need the air. I'm just going across the street," Amanda said and got up. Of course a shooting pain had to emerge right then and Amanda couldn't help put pinch her face.  
"You sure you're okay?" Liv asked and put her hand briefly on Amanda's elbow.  
"Yeah yeah, just the joys of being bloated," Amanda tried to keep her voice light and started to walk through the pain. She figured maybe she ought to tell someone about the pain but then again it was probably nothing. She told herself lunch would fix it.

**Back at the station** she had to use the bathroom again. Liv was at her desk but Cragen had continued to another meeting Liv informed her. Amanda felt Liv watching her and she tried to not show how much her back was hurting her. Soon though she had to visit the bathroom yet again and as she was walking back to her desk she felt another sharp pain through her stomach and she grabbed on to the wall as the other hand grabbed around her belly. She took a few breaths as the pain subsided. She still felt stings all around her stomach though. The door to the bunks was right across the hall and she managed to slowly walk over there. She was happy to find the room empty. She sat down on the first bunk as another sharp pain shot through her stomach. Okay so she probably needed to check this out she told herself. She figured Fin was probably at the prison by now and she couldn't call him. She knew she had a high threshold for pain so she knew this pain was severe since she had to sit down. She waited as another sharp pain subsided and then made herself get back over to the door. She got the door open and hung on to the door frame as she took a step out in the hall.

"Liv?" she tried calling out but her voice didn't reach all the way to Liv at her desk. Amanda took a deep breath and tried again a little bit louder. This time Liv looked up but looked towards the gate as she thought the sound came from there. Finally her eyes reached Amanda down the hallway. Liv could tell by the way she was hunched over and holding on to her belly that something was wrong and she rushed over to her. Amanda retracted back into the bunks as she felt like she needed to sit down again.

"What's going on?" Liv said and kneelt down in front of her.  
"I'm not sure but there's this shooting pain in my stomach," Amanda let her know. Liv could tell she wasn't doing all that good, she was pale and her forehead looked clammed.  
"Did you have this pain out on the street earlier?" she asked and Amanda thought about it but knew this wasn't the right time to act stoic. She still shook her head though.  
"It wasn't the same kind of pain. Earlier it was like light and rhythmic, now it's killing me," Amanda tried to explain.

"Are you in labor?" Liv asked and could tell the question worried Amanda.  
"I'm not do yet," Amanda's lower lip started to tremble as she felt a wave of fear wash over her.  
"It's going to be fine Amanda," Liv smiled at her: "Let's just get you to the hospital to make sure okay?" Amanda nodded.

"Can I take you or do you want me to call an ambulance?" Liv asked.  
"No ambulance please," Amanda felt embarrassed enough as it was.  
"Okay I'll drive you then. Let's get you downstairs okay?" Liv tried to hide her own worry with a smile. She got up off the floor and lent Amanda a hand to get her upright.  
"Take your time," Liv said as she put her arm underneath Amanda's and helped her out of there.  
"Do you need something off your desk?" Liv asked once they reached the squad room.  
"My jacket I guess and my phone," Amanda said through deep breathing.

"Okay, I'll get it. You want to sit down?" Liv asked but Amanda shook her head. Liv got to her desk first and got her own stuff. She then got over to Amanda's desk and grabbed her things. Meanwhile Amanda tried to slowly make her way to the gate on her own. It felt like her gut was pressing down and making it hard for her to walk though. Liv caught up to her and told the uniform at the desk by the gate to let Cragen knew they were taking Amanda to the hospital. The uniform asked if he could help but Amanda shook him off. They managed to make their way downstairs. Amanda tried to act as nonchalant as ever in the elevator since they weren't alone but Liv could tell she was in pain. After a short break right inside the entrance they got out on the pavement. Liv asked if she should just pull the car out but Amanda insisted on going with her to the parking lot. Liv knew it was better to just have her way than to increase her anxiety level by fighting with her.

"Do you want me to call someone?" Liv asked as they slowly walked over the pavement.  
"No, I'm sure this is nothing," Amanda said as calmly as possible. Liv got the passenger door open for her and made sure she got in properly. She wasn't that big but it was obvious that something, pain perhaps, were preventing her from moving around much right now. Liv rushed around the car and got in.

"Okay we're off," Liv had already asked on their way down which hospital and she'd already figured out the fastest route in her head. It was quite a lot of traffic out and Liv got stressed but tried not to show it. Liv had asked if they should use the lights but Amanda said no. Amanda was moving her hand around a sore spot in her belly and tried to keep her heavy breathing in check.

"When are you do?" Liv finally dared to ask.  
"I just reached 34 weeks," Amanda said and shot Liv a worried look.  
"You'll be fine," Liv said and gave her the most comfortable smile she could right now.  
"Do you have someone that's supposed to be with you doing labor?" Liv asked as they waited for a red light to turn.  
"Fin," Amanda confessed, "I mean he's offered but I hadn't really decided yet."  
"You want me to call him just to be on the safe side?" Amanda shook her head immediately.  
"He's probably at the prison by now. We shouldn't bother them," she said and had to turn her head away as another sharp pain shot through her stomach.

"You okay?" Liv asked though as she'd picked up on the gap in Amanda's breathing. Amanda tried to nod. They'd started moving again but Liv reached out and put her hand on Amanda's arm.  
"This is not the time to act brave Amanda, tell me," Liv asked with her eyes going back and forth between Amanda and the road. When Amanda finally turned her head Liv picked up on her teary eyes. Liv rubbed her arm a little.  
"Do you think you're in labor Amanda?" Liv asked seriously but with comfort in her tone.  
"I don't know. I just know something is wrong," Amanda's lower lip trembled visible now.

"It's going to be fine okay. It's gonna be fine," Liv squeezed her arm one last time before she had to switch grip on her wheel so she could put the light up in the window to get them faster to the hospital. With the blue light speed picked up and they soon reached the hospital. Liv took the closest lot she could find to the emergency entrance. She ran around the car as she'd parked and got around to help Amanda get up out off her seat. As soon as they got inside the emergency doors a nurse spotted them and came forward.

"She's 34 weeks pregnant and something's up," Liv told the bright eyed nurse.  
"We'll get that sorted out don't you worry. What's your name?" the nurse turned her attention to Amanda as she came up on her other side and helped them further in.  
"Amanda," she said.  
"Okay Amanda, welcome. How's your breathing?"  
"A bit strained," she let the nurse know.  
"And how's the pain level?"

"Up there somewhere," Amanda tried a smile at the nurse, she smiled back. Another nurse came rushing towards them with a wheelchair and Liv stepped away from Amanda as the two nurses helped her sit down. Liv followed them to the check-in desk and listen in on the questions the nurse kept hammering Amanda with. All of them of course to try and figure out what was going on. A third nurse came around with a portable oxygen tank and a breathing mask that she told Amanda to breathe into. Liv was always impressed how doctors and nurses just kept appearing with things out of nowhere without anything being said. Like they had a sixth sense what was needed. A nurse checked her blood pressure while another one put a temp in her ear. Everything was noted down on a piece of paper that later would hang on the back of Amanda's wheelchair.

"Is your doctor in this hospital?" the nurse asked and Amanda nodded. She removed the oxygen mask and said:  
"Levitt, Sandra Levitt." The nurse nodded as she recognized the doctor's name. Amanda had briefly put the oxygen mask back on but then removed it again.  
"I haven't felt her in a while," she said nervously and the nurse immediately squatted down by her side to hear what she said.  
"I haven't felt her," she said and put her hand to her belly so the nurse would understand who she was talking about. The nurse got her stethoscope out of her big coat pocket and put them on herself.

"May I?" she asked for permission before she reached in underneath Amanda's top with the diaphragm of the stethoscope. Liv saw her move around a bit underneath there and she saw Amanda's worried face. Liv figured she had about the same worried face at her colleague. Then the nurse called out a name calmly and the other nurse took the ear tips out of the nurse's ears and carefully put them in Amanda's instead while the first nurse held the diaphragm steady.

"You hear that? Strong and steady," the nurse said with a big smile on her face. Liv's face brighten just as much as Amanda's with the news. The nurse let Amanda listen a while longer to her baby's heartbeat since it had a calming effect on her but then they had to take her upstairs. Liv helped pull the oxygen tank so the nurse could take Amanda and then they headed to the elevators. As soon as they got out of the elevator a doctor and a nurse who was waiting at a desk down the hall came walking up to them. They both had friendly smiles on their faces.

"So she doesn't feel like waiting any longer now does she?" the doctor smiled and touched Amanda's leg as Amanda was busy holding on to the oxygen mask.  
"Hi I'm Sandra," the doctor said and extended her hand to Liv who took it and introduced herself and her affiliation to Amanda.  
"And this is Abby," Sandra said and gestured to the nurse who was now taking over Amanda's wheelchair. Abby nodded to Liv who nodded back.  
"Thank you. Hope you get a calm evening," the doctor wished the nurse who'd put a hand on Amanda's shoulder and wished her good luck.  
"Don't we always," the nurse told the doctor as she got back into the elevator to go downstairs to a surely intense evening shift.

"So let's get you two checked over. Find out what's going on right," Sandra said and led the way down the hall.  
"Can you do without it for a bit?" Sandra asked about the breathing mask as they got inside a room and they wanted to move Amanda over to a table. Amanda nodded and let go of it. The nurse brought it over to the side.  
"Let's get you into a gown first," Sandra suggested and the nurse was quickly on it. Liv thought about asking Amanda if she should wait out in the hall for a while but she didn't get the chance before Abby had pulled Amanda's top over her head. Liv tried not to stare but she'd always had a hard time looking away whenever she saw a pregnant belly. She figured it had something to do with her own want of carrying one around. And as she saw Amanda's, with tape across the scar on her lower half, it dawn on Liv just how recent it was Amanda was in this hospital fighting for her life. And now here she was giving life. Such a blessed turned of events Liv thought to herself.

She couldn't help but look at the scar between Amanda's breasts too. It wasn't covered with tape and you could see just how wide it was and even where the bigger staples had been. Amanda looked beautiful even with the scar or maybe even because of her scars. It just made her look like a warrior, a fighter, and Liv had always admired women who fought through battles. She was caught looking by Amanda's eyes but Liv just gave her a comforting smile and Amanda gave her a shy one back as the nurse covered her with the gown. Liv stepped in and helped the nurse with Amanda's shoes seeing how the doctor had turned her attention to the sheet on Amanda's wheelchair. Liv took Amanda's boots to the side and let them be as the nurse undressed her completely. She then came back when it was time to get Amanda up on the table. Liv couldn't help but smile as she helped her colleague up. She'd seen Amanda's stomach grow in the squad room but she'd never seemed just as pregnant as right now.

"Okay, let's see what's going on then Amanda," the doctor said and dragged a low chair to the end of her bed.  
"Let's get a monitor on the baby Abby," she said and the nurse nodded. A second nurse walked in.  
"You remember Genevieve Amanda?" the doctor asked and Amanda nodded as the new but older nurse walked up to her and squeezed her arm gently.  
"Ginny meet another detective. Olivia Benson," the doctor said as she carried on with hers and the nurse gave Liv just as a bright smile as she'd just shot Amanda. This was the type of nurse you always wanted with you in crisis Liv thought to herself. She had that old school, kind but assertive vibe around her.

"So two of NYPD finest in one room then, I feel safer already," Ginny said and looked back at Amanda as she put a warm hand on her cheek briefly. Briefly because Abby handed Amanda a new more petite breathing mask compared to the first one. Ginny helped Abby uncover Amanda's stomach and they strapped a gadget around her. Abby hooked it up to a machine and soon they saw and heard what Liv thought was the baby's heart rhythm.

"You want us to hook her up too?" Ginny asked but Sandra told them to let her check her out first and just put a clamp on her finger in the meantime.  
"Baby's looking good Amanda, you don't have to worry about her okay?" Sandra let Amanda know before she asked Amanda to put her legs up in the stirrups and the nurses helped her out. Liv stayed by the wall at Amanda's head to give Amanda some privacy. Liv watched the doctors face though as she probed and examined. Ginny held a hand on the side of Amanda's head while Abby was over at the counter prepping some other stuff Liv imagined.

"Okay Amanda," Sandra said not long after as she removed her gloves: "You're in labor." Ginny helped the doctor get Amanda's legs out of the stirrups for now and Ginny folded them down as Sandra stepped up to Amanda's side.  
"Not to worry okay. We're going to try and prevent it okay, give you some medicine," Sandra smiled at Amanda and then turned briefly to Abby and gave her some dosage of a medicine she wanted her to give Amanda. She then turned to Ginny and asked her to hook Amanda up to a bag of fluids too. Sandra then turned back to Amanda.

"We're going to do an ultra sound and see what's going on in there. If you're too far down to stop it it's okay. You've reached 34 and we see perfectly healthy babies here even earlier than that," Sandra grabbed Amanda's hand. Liv couldn't see Amanda's face but imagined she felt probably even more anxious than Liv felt by this news. Abby pulled out the ultra sound machine and Sandra got a new set of gloves on as Abby prepped it. Ginny open the gown and exposed Amanda's belly again. Sandra got to work and soon got a clear picture on the monitor that stood to the side of the bed.

"Yeah as I expected. A full turn. This is good though, then at least we don't have to turn her for you," Sandra said and Liv watched the monitor closely. A perfect little being. It brought tears to Liv's eyes and she was somewhat disappointed when the monitor went black.  
"Okay Amanda we're going to hook you up to all sorts of machines okay. But you've had it worse right," she was hinting to her last stint at this very same hospital. Sandra had grabbed Amanda's hand and didn't let it go as she turned to her nurses: "Let's alert NICU Abby and let's start antibiotics. Do GBS too. And will you draw some blood Ginny?" the nurses got busy. Liv stepped up on Amanda's other side as Sandra called her over.

"Just to be prepared for all scenarios, the last time I saw you you hadn't really settled on the birthing partner. Have you had time to think it over?" Sandra asked with a smile. Amanda's eyes came over to Liv's side of the bed.  
"You want me to call Fin?" Liv asked and it didn't take long until Amanda nodded.  
"How long does he have to get here? I mean when do you think…" Liv directed her question to the doctor.  
"I'm afraid that's impossible to say, hopefully the medicine will work but if not it can go fast," the doctor informed both of them.  
"Okay he's on a drive just out of the city but I'm sure he'll get a jet to get him over here in time if it's necessary," Liv said and smiled since she thought it to be true.  
"I'll slip out in the hall and call him," Liv said and squeezed Amanda's shoulder before she left.

She realized how sweaty her palms were as she got the phone up out of her pocket. She wiped them on her pants and then dialed Fin. It got to voicemail after the first ring and it dawn on her he might be inside the prison and probably didn't have his phone with him. She didn't want to worry him and since she didn't trust her own voice she hung up. She sent him a text asking him to phone her back as soon as he was able to. She thought about calling Cragen and getting his help to reach Fin inside the prison but thought that maybe was a bit extreme and went back inside instead. Ginny was drawing blood from Amanda's arm as she got back in and Abby was putting monitors on Amanda's chest that was hooked up to a machine. Sandra was over at the counter filling in some chart. Amanda met Liv's eyes as she got back.

"I couldn't reach him but I sent him a text to call back okay," Liv said and Amanda nodded with a bit of disappointment over her face. Sandra came over to the table to let Amanda know she'd step out for a moment but Abby or Ginny would stay with her the entire time so she didn't need to worry and she wouldn't be far away. Ginny stepped out too to get Amanda's blood down to the laboratory.

"Can I get you anything? Something to drink maybe?" Abby asked.  
"Some water would be good thanks," Amanda said with some strain to her voice. Liv stepped closer to the bed as Abby was getting a cup from the cabinet. Liv rubbed Amanda's arm gently. Amanda smiled shyly and tried to sit up a little.

"How you holding up?" Liv asked. Amanda wasn't sure how to answer. She really wasn't feeling that hot. Her entire body was aching it felt like and she did her best to just swallow the anxiety that was threatening to take over if she let it. And she felt embarrassed for not realizing sooner she was in labor and having put Liv through all of this hassle. She shrugged her shoulders as she tried to brush a few loose strands of hair behind her ear. She suddenly felt very self-conscious, wondered how she looked in Liv's eyes. She was about to say something about Liv not having to be there when she suddenly felt the room get very blurry.

Liv still had her hand on Amanda's arm when her eyes suddenly rolled back into her head.  
"Amanda?" Liv yelled a little. Abby dropped the cup in the sink as she was just filling it and came rushing over. Abby started to lower the bed as she checked the monitors.  
"Stats looks good," Liv heard Abby say but Amanda had still fainted which couldn't be good. Abby put her fingers on Amanda's throat to find her pulse just to make sure the monitor wasn't lying and Liv saw her push the alarm button above her bed which wasn't a good sign either.

"What's happening?" Liv asked not being able to just stand by. She realized she'd grabbed Amanda's hand and was now holding on to the limb hand.  
"I'm not sure but pulse is steady. Can you help me roll her over to your side?" Abby came around and together they carefully rolled Amanda over to her left side. Liv let Abby past so she could grab the oxygen mask and she placed it over her mouth as another nurse came running in. Liv stepped down to Amanda's feet so not to be in her way. The new nurse seemed to know exactly what to do. She called out Amanda's name and checked her eyes with a light.  
"Is Sandra coming?" Abby asked and got a nod from the new nurse. Liv felt useless just standing there but didn't want to be in the way. Once Sandra came running in Liv felt a bit of relief.

"What happen?" she asked as she got her stethoscope on.  
"Her eyes just rolled back as she was about to say something," Liv raised her voice.  
"Amanda, can you hear me?" Sandra asked as she too checked her eyes. Sandra looked back up at Liv.  
"I think she just passed out once she relaxed a bit. It's not common but I've known it to happen. Vitals look fine and the baby as well. Maybe the blood test will show something but I'm fairly sure it's just the strain of the moment," Sandra smiled a little at Liv, "we've put her on her left side to get blood to her heart and with the oxygen I'm sure she'll come back soon. Speaking of, hello there." Sandra looked down at Amanda who stirred a bit on the table.

"No, just stay down for a bit Amanda, you passed out," Sandra said and put a hand on her arm when she tried to move.  
If Amanda hadn't felt awkward enough to start with now she felt really awkward. Once the room settled down again and Abby got her some well needed water Liv let Amanda knew she would try and get a hold of Fin again. She walked out in to the corridor and checked her phone. One missed call from the captain. She dialed Fin but again got no answer. She dialed Cragen and he picked up immediately.

"What's going on?" Cragen asked quickly as he answered.  
"She's having her baby and I can't get a hold of Fin," Liv said without fuss.  
"They should be out by now," Cragen said after he'd checked his watch.  
"He's not picking up though and I've texted him," Liv explained. She heard Cragen sigh deeply.  
"How is she doing?" he asked.  
"I'm not sure. Okay I guess. But she's only 34 weeks and it looks as it can get complicated." Liv felt in unnecessary to mention she'd fainted and the somewhat private information about her uterus and all.  
"Will you stay with her?" Cragen asked and Liv's answer came quickly.  
"Of course." They decided Cragen would try and get a hold of Fin too. Liv walked back in to find Amanda looking a bit more alert again. Liv could feel Amanda's eyes looking for her and any information on Fin so Liv shook her head slightly as she walked up to her.

"Still can't get a hold of him but I talked to Cragen and he'll try on his end too," Liv informed her. Amanda looked disappointed again but nodded.  
"How are you feeling?" Liv said and gently put her hand over Amanda's which was resting on the bed next to her head. She felt really warm under Liv's touch. Amanda removed the oxygen mask that she was holding to her face with her other hand and cleared her throat a little before she spoke.  
"Embarrassed as hell," she admitted and Liv smiled.  
"Don't be. You're in labor for Christ sake. For once you're allowed to raise hell without anyone making eyes at you," Liv tried to make her feel more at ease. Amanda appreciated it but still felt uncomfortable. Liv put the back of her fingers against Amanda's temple.

"You feel warm," Liv stated.  
"She's running a slight fever. It's normal," Abby said as she'd overheard Liv.  
"We can get you a wet cloth for your forehead, most women says it helps a little," Abby suggested and Amanda took her up on her offer. Liv grabbed the cloth from Abby when she came back with it and held it against Amanda's forehead. Sandra had been over by the computer on the counter for a while but now came over.

"Amanda, your blood test shows you're running low on red blood cells so that's probably why you fainted. You still feel dizzy?" the doctor asked. Liv removed the cloth so Amanda could look up.  
"No, not dizzy," Amanda started.  
"Something else?" Sandra had started to get to know Amanda during these last months and she could hear a question was hanging in the air.  
"Well," Amanda started and you could hear she was out of breath, "there's this pain in my… lower regions." Liv could tell she felt uncomfortable asking about it.

"It's your pelvic Amanda. Your body, your baby, wants to go through natural birth. It's a good sign even if it's a little too soon. Hopefully it will ease though. Is the pain too much to handle though?" Sandra had stepped around to Liv's side so it would be easier for Amanda to look at her without having to keep her head up. Amanda immediately shook her head.  
"You sure about that?" Sandra asked to make sure and Amanda nodded with a smile visible underneath her oxygen mask. Sandra reached out and stroked her arm kindly.

"Well you let us know if it gets too much. I know you can take a lot but there's nothing wrong with easing the pain if we can," Sandra ended with a pat on her hand and then excused herself again and headed out. Liv put the cloth at the back of Amanda's neck for a while and she could see by the way Amanda closed her eyes that it felt good. Liv used the cloth to wipe away some hair from her face and then went over to run some fresh water through it. Abby was the only nurse still in the room now and she pushed around the doctors stool for Liv to sit on. Liv thanked her and had a seat after she'd placed the cloth back on Amanda's forehead.

"Thanks," Amanda said through the oxygen mask.  
"Feels good eh?" Liv smiled and Amanda nodded. Liv had a look around at all the machines and stuff around her bed.  
"Not as much gadgets as after your shooting but almost," Liv smiled. She could see Amanda smiled too. Amanda would soon drift off to sleep and Abby whispered it was good for her.

Liv took the time to check her phone and noticed she had three missed calls from Fin. She let Abby know she would be right outside and had dialed Fin back before she even got out of there. He picked up after the first ring.  
"How is she?" was the first thing he said and she could hear the concern in his voice. She could also hear it sounded like they were in the car driving.  
"She's doing okay but under… well pressure. Getting some rest right now though," Liv informed him looking back at the door from where she'd just exited.  
"But she's in labor?"  
"Yeah. The doctor says so. They're hoping they can reverse it though. Where are you?"  
"We're still four hours out Liv," he sounded disappointed.  
"Just drive safely and fast. Did you finish the interview?"  
"Never mind. Where's her head at Liv?"  
"I think she's hanging in there. She doesn't say much really."  
"Don't let her fool you Liv. Giving birth freaks her out and now being rushed like this. And then it's the whole mother thing too. She's terrified Liv," he felt too stressed to keep his thoughts inside at this time and let her in on everything.  
"What would you do if you were here?" she asked.  
"Just talk to her. Try and get her talking, get her out of her own head," Fin knew it wouldn't be easy. Liv promised to try and they agreed to call each other in an hour again. Liv headed back in. Amanda was awake again.

"I got a hold of him," she let her know, "they're driving as fast as possible." Liv took the now lukewarm cloth from Amanda's neck and went over to get fresh water on it again.  
"Both Fin and Nick sends their love and I promised to call back within the hour," Liv continued as she came walking back. She sat down and whisked Amanda's bangs out of the way before she put the cloth down on her forehead.  
"He's really jealous I'm here with you instead of him," Liv winked at her. Abby was getting a tray ready over at the counter and Liv heard something metallic clink together at times.  
"How's the pain?" she asked after a while.  
"Not so bad," Amanda said through the oxygen mask.

"How does it feel?" Liv asked, "I mean being in labor." Amanda seemed to think about it and then she lifted her oxygen mask just slightly off her face.  
"It's a little like being shot I guess. You feel the origin of the pain but then it radiates through your entire body. A numbing pain." Amanda had to take a few deep breaths.  
"I fear extracting a baby will be harder than a bullet though," Amanda breathed.  
"Said the woman who spent seventeen days in a coma," Liv smiled.

"Well there were two bullets," Amanda countered quickly. Liv shook her head with that smile still attached. Liv held her eyes but then Amanda deviated hers elsewhere. Liv thought about what else she could ask that wouldn't probe too much but still got Amanda talking. Liv was very curious on a personal level about pregnancies but didn't want Amanda to feel more uncomfortable than she was already feeling.

"You got a name for her?" she asked as soon as she thought about it. Amanda shook her head a little.  
"No? I thought all new parents had like twenty lined up," Liv hoped she wouldn't take offense to her spontaneous reply but Amanda didn't seem to as she was still smiling underneath her mask.  
"But I guess you figured you'd have a few more weeks to think about it?" Amanda looked as though she was thinking about saying something and Liv just waited. Liv didn't recognize this modest side of the detective. In the squad room she took her space and made her voice heard and the few times they'd been out after work Amanda seemed to be able to claim her space too.

"I just…," she started but seemed to feel unsure how to express herself, "well most things in my life doesn't exactly go smoothly. I didn't want to jinx her by naming her too soon." Liv put her hand on Amanda's arm.  
"She'll be fine. You will too Amanda," Liv tried to encourage her.

The situation wouldn't be fine though as a few minutes later Amanda's water broke. There was nothing they could do to prevent labor now.

**XXX**

**A lot of fluff but we're getting there. Baby Finanda. Hm, that's a good name, maybe I'll call her that. Ha.**  
**Sorry I kept you waiting so long for this chapter. I've started writing another fanfic and it's so dark and so intriguing but now I'm back and committed to this one till the end. Promise. Need to finish one at a time. I'll be back asap with the next chapter.**


	17. Baby girl Rollins

**Sorry for the delay. I struggled with this chapter. I never want to go through a birth - in English - ever again. I know I could have made it easy and just wrote 'she had the baby and Liv was by her side' but I wanted to explore the Liv/Amanda dynamic since I'm lacking that on the actual show. In the end though I had to skip everything that had to do with anesthesia cause I just couldn't figure it all out. The lingo is just so very different between our countries so I probably got other things wrong too but oh well. The next chapter is almost done so it will come in just a day or two for sure. Happy reading (I hope)...**

**XXX**

Once Amanda's water broke there was no going back. This baby was coming and it wasn't until now Amanda really realized this was happening. She didn't feel ready though. And she had a hard time believing her baby was ready. Abby called doctor Sandra in and then helped Amanda get into a dry robe. Liv helped too and they changed the cover on the table as well while Amanda was standing up. Amanda felt a bit embarrassed about basically wetting herself in front of Liv but her anxiety about her baby was greater and she just got through it. Sandra did another exam once she got back in and Amanda could see on her face she wasn't completely content with the situation. She tried reassuring Amanda though that there was no reason to be alarmed. The baby was doing fine and the important thing now was to get Amanda ready for delivery.

Sandra informed her that they might have to do a c-section but because of Amanda's scar tissue she hoped they would avoid that. But if it came to that Sandra reassured her they would deal with it and Amanda didn't need to worry. Worry she did though. Sandra could see Amanda was stressed, both by her demeanor and the machines that was keeping track of her well-being so she asked Abby to push in some medicine into Amanda's IV bag to calm her down just a little. The room had been rather busy with nurses in and out prepping for a complicated birth but Sandra made sure everyone that wasn't immediately needed left so Amanda could settle down.

Liv got a chance to ask Amanda how she was doing but Amanda just nodded. She hadn't said much at all since her water broke and Liv had no idea what was going on inside her head. Liv didn't get the chance to probe as another doctor stepped in to the room. She introduced herself as Marjorie Hendricks and put her palm briefly on top of Amanda's arm.

"I just wanted to introduce myself. I'm from NICU, the neonatal intensive care unit and I'll take care of your little one once she's ready to come out. I'm going to steal her almost immediately from you just to make sure her breathing and everything is okay. I'm going to try and talk to you meanwhile so you know what's going on but we might have to work quickly and sometimes I forget in the heat of the moment. But my nurse often reminds me if I do forget," the doctor said with a smile but then got serious looking again.

"This is a premature birth though and there might be complications. Everything looks fine, the scans, the tests but we can't be sure until she's out. We might have to bring her immediately to NICU but hopefully you'll be able to hold her for a while at least. Some test we have to run over at NICU though but we might not have to rush her there. I know it's a lot to ask of you but just try not to worry and ask any question that comes to mind." The doctor asked Amanda if she had any questions right now but Amanda's mind was blank. Doctor Hendricks turned to Liv and asked her if she had any questions probably thinking Liv was Amanda's significant other or something. Liv tried to think off her feet if perhaps there was something Amanda could want to know but was unable to ask.

"She'll be tiny right?" was all that came to mind. Marjorie nodded.  
"Yes she is tiny we can see that from the scans but it's the internal organs that we will focus on primarily. Most importantly her lungs since they aren't fully developed by the 34th week. We get the breathing under control first so it won't affect her other organs."  
"But babies born at this week can come out fine right?"  
"Yes, they can. Some doesn't have to spend almost any time in NICU. This baby has proven she's strong already so I have high hopes she'll come out just as strong," Marjorie gave Amanda a smile.

**A little later** the two were alone with Abby in the room. Liv had changed into a robe that Abby had fetched her and Abby had also showed her how to scrub her hands thoroughly. Liv did her best to serve Amanda so she could relax as much as possible. Amanda was still being very quiet so Liv didn't have it easy. Mostly of the time the oxygen mask covered her face but she did accept some water when Liv offered it to her and every now and then Liv refreshed the cloth that she kept dabbing over Amanda's forehead and neck.

So far Amanda had only had mild contractions but she could feel that they started to get more intense. Abby, who was keeping track of her stats, noticed too. Liv hadn't picked up on it until Abby told Amanda to just try and breathe through the contractions.

"Are we getting closer?" Liv asked since she felt like she needed to be briefed.  
"I think Amanda's contractions are getting a little more intense right?" Abby asked and once Liv looked at the deep breathing blonde behind the oxygen mask she nodded a little. Liv again felt like she wasn't doing her job properly.

Liv learnt her contractions were still seven minutes apart and Abby informed her Amanda was still not in active labor. Amanda needed to use the bathroom a little while later and Liv and Abby helped her down off the table. Amanda insisted on going in on her own and Liv had to wait nervously outside the door. Of course Amanda handled it on her own though but Liv still felt better once Amanda was back on the table. Sandra came back in and had a quick look at Amanda. They learnt she was progressing well. She was slightly more dilated and she could lose her oxygen mask if she wanted to since her red blood cell count had picked up. Sandra told her to try and relax and save her strength and then left them again. Once Amanda took off her oxygen mask Liv felt more able to connect with her again since she could see her face better. But she struggled with what to talk about.

She'd never felt like she had much in common with Amanda. She seemed more comfortable hanging with the guys, which basically was what Liv had been doing her entire time in the SVU unit. She seemed to be a bit of a tomboy to Liv. Not that Liv was that girly herself but Amanda was very athletic, she liked to watch sports, talk sports, play sports and run around the park. Liv had never figured out the joy of jogging at all and she'd never been into any sport, not even in school. But Liv was in for a surprise. It started with small talk what Amanda did on her spare time and of course sports were mentioned. Liv knew about Amanda's gambling addiction and did wonder how that worked out but it wasn't the time to bring it up. She caught herself hoping she'd get a chance in the future to sit down and have a talk with Amanda about it. Right now though she just wanted to get Amanda talking and try and make her relax in-between contractions. Liv could hear on Amanda's voice when she had one and Liv also learnt the pattern on the machine that Abby kept an eye on.

Once they'd cleared what sport venues Amanda visited Amanda suddenly mentioned the museum of modern art. It was a place Liv liked to visit a lot and it seemed Amanda paid it a few visit as well. Liv learnt that Amanda enjoyed art in high school and later took a art history class in college. It was a nice surprise to find they had one thing in common and it left Liv thinking they might have more in common if they dug a little. But for now Liv stuck to asking Amanda about her favorite painters and exhibitions she'd enjoyed since her move to New York.

Liv kept talking as she went over to the sink to water the cloth down. She felt her phone buzz in her scrub's pocket and had a look at it.  
"It's Fin, do you want to talk to him?" Liv asked as she turned back to the bed. Amanda nodded. Liv answered the phone and said;  
"Hold on Fin, I'll put you on speaker so you can talk to her yourself." Liv hurried back over and hit speaker as she put it down in front of Amanda. Amanda smiled as Fin's voice was heard;

"Hey Boo, had your baby yet?" Liv watched Amanda's face crack into a wide smile.  
"No, not yet," Amanda tried to hide the strain in her voice.  
"It's me she's waiting for right?"  
"You wish." Amanda smiled. Fin wanted to say 'I do' but held it in knowing he was on speaker and he had Nick eavesdropping by his side.

"How you holding up?" he asked instead.  
"Okay. Where are you?"  
"Still only half way. You know Nick drives like a lady." Liv smiled as she pictured Nick's face when he heard Fin say that. Amanda smiled too even if just a little.

"How's traffic?" Liv asked.  
"Not too bad, we're still more than like two hours away though. Can the little one wait that long?"  
"I'm not sure the bigger one wants to wait that long," Liv answered honestly. Amanda smiled a little. She wanted him to be there but she also wanted this pain to ease yesterday. And just as she thought that the pain reemerged. She pinched her face a little which Liv noticed. She shot Abby a quick look and she gave her a nod to reaffirm it was a contraction.

"But you're hanging in there right?" Fin asked, concern evident in his voice. Liv watched as Amanda's face crumbled as she tried to just endure the pain. Liv grabbed her hand, Amanda accepted it and squeezed it.  
"Fin, just hold on a sec," Liv said and then told Amanda to not forget to breath. Amanda didn't want to make a sound as Fin was listening, she wanted to prove herself strong but she realized it was stupid and finally just took that well needed breath. It came out a bit more squeamish that she would have liked but she didn't really care. It took almost a minute but then finally Amanda's body seemed to relax some and her grip on Liv's hands eased a bit.

"Okay Fin we're back," Liv said as she got a faint smile from Amanda.  
"You hanging in there boo?" Fin asked.  
"Yeah," she sounded weak but she didn't care at this point.  
"I'm gonna tell the lady to drive faster and you just keep crushing Liv's hand until I get there okay?"  
"Okay," Amanda said quietly. She didn't want him to hang up. She wanted him there. It made her feel weak needing him this much but she felt weak right now.

"Drive safe Fin," Liv said.  
"You keep them safe Liv," he replied.  
"Of course, see you in a while," Liv left the conversation.

"Bye boo, I'm coming," he said.  
"See you soon Fin," it felt better than saying bye. Liv gave Amanda a quick look before she hit the red phone to hang up the call. Liv had kept her other hand nearby Amanda's so now she squeezed it just briefly to show her support. Amanda smiled and took a deep breath. Liv headed back over to the sink to water down the cloth.

"That one came a little closer right?" Liv asked Abby as she walked back to them. Abby nodded. And the contractions kept coming closer and closer. Soon Amanda was in active labor and Sandra had come back in to take a seat by the end of the table. Amanda's contractions were only four minutes apart and lasted over a minute each time. They looked very painful to Liv but Amanda was a trooper as always. Sandra kept telling her to breathe through them, she wasn't allowed to push. Apparently Amanda wasn't dilated enough. Liv kept focus on Amanda and held on to her hand every time a contraction came. When the day started Liv had no idea that she hours later would be part of this but she figured Amanda was even more startled. Liv tried to think of all those ER episodes she'd seen and all the documentaries where children were being born. This was all too real though. Liv just hoped she was coaching Amanda right and so far she hadn't gotten punched or gotten any evil stares from the blonde so she hoped she was doing alright.

Ginny was back in the room and had taken over the cloth and making sure Amanda was comfortable on the table. Abby kept track on the baby and Liv could tell they had an extra eye on the monitor that was keeping track on the baby's vitals. Liv didn't dare to ask how the baby was doing though. She didn't want to upset Amanda and Sandra would surely say something if it got critical. She focused on just hanging on to Amanda's hand and tried to talk her through the contractions without being overbearing.

"Okay again Amanda just try and breathe through it. No pushing okay?" Sandra guided her as she could see on the monitor that another contraction was coming. Amanda managed to nod before the pain hit full blown. Liv felt Amanda's grip tighten and she put her free hand on Amanda's shoulder as she tried to breathe with her calmly. Amanda's breathing was anything but calm though and Liv could feel the gruesome pain the contractions seemed to bring. The contraction lasted for just over a minute.

"You're doing great," Liv whispered as Amanda was situated as comfortable as possible on the table again. Amanda's grip on Liv's hand eased up some as she relaxed more and she gave Liv an exhausted but genuine smile as she let it go completely. It felt odd holding on to Liv's hand but during the contractions it helped in a way.

"Killing you?" Liv asked with a smile.  
"Trying to," Amanda smiled back as she reached for the oxygen mask that Ginny offered her. Before she was able to put it over her face though her face crumbled with pain again.

"What?" Liv asked immediately as Amanda dug her fingers into her arm. Sandra put her hands underneath Amanda's robe as she stood up.  
"What's wrong Amanda?" she asked at the same time as she had a feel. Amanda let out a long, painful sounding moan as her grip eased a little around Liv's arm. She opened her mouth to say something but seemed unable to. She squirmed on the table.

"Try and breathe Amanda," Sandra urged her.  
"It feels like I'm pulling apart," Amanda managed to explain through tiny, strained breaths.  
"She's moving further down your pelvis Amanda, it's perfectly normal you feel this way. I know it hurts though," Sandra explained.  
"And my back is killing me," Amanda complained.  
"You want to try and stand up for a while Amanda?" Liv didn't like this idea but Amanda nodded obviously keen on trying anything that would stop this crucial pain. Sandra came around to help Liv get her down off the table. Abby made sure the monitors and lines stayed put as Amanda moved. Liv held on to Amanda hard worried she would fall or something but she seemed steady on her feet. Amanda moved her feet up and down a bit where she stood to get blood back to them. She held on to the table.

"Better?" Liv asked and Amanda nodded with her head bent down. Liv had her hand on her back and could feel her deep breaths.  
"Can I do anything?" Liv asked. Amanda shook her head.  
"Sometimes a back rub helps," Abby suggested but Amanda quickly shook her head.  
"Maybe some counter pressure for your back," Ginny said.

"No, don't touch me," Amanda panted. Liv removed her hand from her back. She got a smile from Sandra and a double wink of her eyes. Sandra had seen all sorts of different approaches to child births and you never knew what to expect. In this case though she'd had a hunch Amanda would be just like this. Withdrawn and brave. But Sandra also knew it could change in an instance. Suddenly Amanda dropped down by the table. Liv feared she was fainting but as Sandra remained calm Liv stopped before she grabbed a hold of the blonde.

"Squatting is a very natural position," Sandra smiled at Liv.  
"Just let us know when you need help to get up Amanda," Sandra said and took a few steps back to give her the room she seemed to need. Sandra asked Ginny something and they started talking with very low voices. Liv turned her attention back to Amanda. She wanted to do something to help Amanda out but didn't know what to do. She tried to think about what Fin would do but it got her nowhere. She hunched down by Amanda's side.

"Okay think of Afremov and his colorful paintings that you like. All does vibrant flowers. And that one with the woman in that ray of colors. Like she's in a river. A radiant river," Liv hoped their newly found common interest would work as a distraction from the pain. Amanda's face had been hidden behind her arm but now she peeked up. Liv could tell she wasn't feeling that good but she still managed to somehow look beautiful through clammy skin and her hair in tassels. And with the smile that suddenly came over her face she became even more glowing.

"Please don't ask me to be the river," she panted and Liv couldn't help but chuckle. Amanda's smile spread over her entire face.  
"I promise I won't," Liv smiled. She felt happy she seemed to have reached Amanda at least a little. Amanda let out a sound that made Liv aware that another contraction probably started.

"Just try and breathe," Liv said quietly and she helped Amanda get in to the right rhythm by breathing with her. The pain seemed to increase though and Amanda swayed a little.  
"Let's get you upright," Sandra said as she came back over. Liv saw her grab Amanda's arm and hurried to grab the other one. They got Amanda up off the floor and she hunched over the table with her upper body. Liv forgot herself and put her hand on her back. She moved it up and down as she breathed with Amanda and she didn't seem to mind. Once the contraction subdued Liv pulled her hand back and Amanda rose up a little. She kept leaning on her elbows though.

"You're doing so good," Liv said and truly meant it. Amanda shot her a faint but appreciating smile. She would remain standing like this for a couple of more contractions and she let Liv rub her back through every one of them. Ginny came around with some water and urged Amanda to drink. Then suddenly Amanda complained of nausea and Liv could tell her legs were crumbling a little underneath her. Sandra told her to get back on the table again and she and Ginny helped get Amanda's legs up so Sandra could do a quick exam. Amanda complained of back pain again and Liv tried to help out by moving her pillow a little. Liv then took the wet cloth that Ginny handed her and swiped it over Amanda's forehead. Sandra asked Abby for some printout and Liv threw a few glances as Abby got a printed piece of paper from the monitor. Sandra had a look at it and gave Abby some new instructions. Meanwhile Amanda had another contraction, very close to the latest one. It seemed to last longer too and peeked in the middle so Amanda lost the rhythm in her breathing. Liv helped her find it again. The contraction succumbed and Amanda relaxed a bit on the table. Liv swiped the cloth over her forehead. Amanda's face eased up a little.

"Okay Amanda," Sandra said as she stood up by her feet, "you're in the last phase now. She's ready to come out but you're not fully dilated yet so we're going to try and breathe through a few more contractions okay. I need you to really try hard and not push okay?" Amanda looked exhausted and just nodded. Ginny came around with some water again and Amanda just accepted it. She didn't have much strength right now to protest or do much of anything, and she didn't feel like she had any sense of how she felt so perhaps she was thirsty. Too soon the next contraction came and Amanda let out a tiny squeal of pain as the pain hit.

"Breathe Amanda," Liv reminded her. Amanda kept whimpering instead though with her eyes clenched shut.  
"Breathe," Liv repeated and started breathing loudly to help her out. Soon she got Amanda to follow and both felt relieved once the contraction was over.

"Good Amanda. Don't forget to breathe. How are you doing? Still feel nauseated?" Sandra asked. Amanda seemed to shake her head as she tried to swallow and sit up a little on the table.  
"Not so much," she finally managed to say.  
"Not so nauseated?" Sandra asked to make sure and Amanda nodded.

"Good. Anything else you are feeling?"  
"Tired and…" Amanda put her hand to her chest as she seemed unable to express how she was feeling with words.  
"Tightness in your chest?" Sandra asked and again Amanda nodded.

"That's normal Amanda. You want to try the oxygen mask again, it can help a little," Sandra suggested and Ginny was quickly there with it. Amanda let her put it to her face and then grabbed a hold of it. They managed to breathe through another two contractions that came only two minutes apart. Liv felt exhausted just breathing with Amanda and figured this must be so draining for her. And it was starting to really wear her down. She wouldn't mind someone just clubbing her down at this point so she could just go to sleep.

"I have to push," Amanda cried as the next contraction hit.  
"No you can't do that yet Amanda," Sandra let her know.  
"Just breathe Amanda," Liv whispered.  
"I can't, I can't," Amanda cried.

"That's nonsense, you can do anything. Breathe with me," Liv said a bit stern and it seemed to work as Amanda finally breathed. Both felt relieved once the contraction was over. Liv could tell by Abby and Sandra's demeanor that something was up. They exchanged glances and seemed to communicate in their own way. Abby went over to the wall and made a quick phone call.

"Okay Amanda I'm going to let you go ahead and push with the next contraction. We'll take one contraction at a time okay?" Sandra had risen and put a hand on Amanda's upright knee. Abby came back around the table again.

"She's," Liv asked as she glanced over at Amanda, "ready for that?" Liv didn't feel good asking in front of Amanda but she had a hunch something was going on and she couldn't keep quiet. Sandra smiled.

"We're going to give it a try. The baby's showing some distress, nothing alarming though Amanda. I need you to try and stay calm. We just want to go ahead and see if we can do this the natural way or we'll take you to do a C-section okay?"

"What distress?" Amanda asked.

"Her heart rate has slowed down a bit, it's still steady though. You just focus on this next contraction okay and you let Abby focus on your baby." Abby shot Amanda a smile and nodded to let her know she was keeping her baby safe. Amanda tried to relax back on the table. Liv squeezed her hand to let her know she was right there with her.

The next contraction approached and it seemed to start with a peek of pain as Amanda cried out. She gathered herself quickly though and curled her back as she pushed.

"Good Amanda. Common," Liv cheered on as she held on to her hand and with the other one rubbed her spine up and down. Amanda fell back on the table as the contraction ended.

"You did good Amanda," Sandra said and then turned to Ginny and asked for some hot compresses. Liv wasn't sure what this was for but assumed they had it all under control. It would feel better though if Liv could just get this baby to magically appear right now. Liv turned her attention back to Amanda and tried to get her to talk to know what she was feeling and in need off. But she was so withdrawn it worried Liv. It seemed they had to wait for the next contraction but Amanda seemed to be in need of the break so it was a good thing.

For the next contraction Sandra told Amanda it was okay to push but that she should try to hold back just a little if it was possible. It seemed like an impossible task Liv thought but tried to help her through it as best as possible and Amanda handled it great. Afterwards again Amanda got a few minutes break and Liv gave her water and kept reassuring her she was doing great. Ginny handed Sandra another couple of hot compresses just as the door open. Marjorie, the NICU doctor, came back in followed by two nurses that pushed some portable equipment that looked like a small operating table. Marjorie whispered a hello, told them to try and ignore them and that they would set up in the corner. Sandra gave her a quick nod.

The next contraction seemed intense and Amanda cried out through clinched teeth. It lasted for more than a minute and Amanda panted for air as she fell back down to the pillow. Liv wiped her forehead while Sandra told her she was doing great. Sandra then turned to Ginny and told her to set up for an episiotomy.

"What's going on?" Liv asked.  
"I might have to do a small cut. This isn't unusual. It's moving a long rather quickly and it's to prevent tearing. Don't worry Amanda, your daughter is eager to see you that's all," Sandra smiled and sounded convincing enough for both Amanda and Liv to relax a little. Marjorie came up to the table as they had set up their things in the corner. The nurses went over to sit by the wall to not be in the way or crowd Amanda.

"How are you doing Amanda?" Marjorie said and rubbed her leg just briefly. Amanda just gave her a nod.  
"Hanging in there?" Marjorie said and got another nod. Marjorie continued over to Abby after had placed a quick hand on Sandra's shoulder. Abby showed her some of the printouts. Liv felt better knowing Marjorie, and Abby, were there for the baby so she could concentrate on Amanda who was resting her eyes right now. Liv let her be for the moment, hoping she could rest if just a little.

"Is it normal that the contractions slow down like this?" Liv asked quietly. Sandra popped her head back up and nodded.  
"Yes, during birth they are usually spaced further apart which is good so the mother can rest in-between," Sandra smiled and kept her voice soft to not disturb Amanda too much.  
"So she is having the baby the natural way?" Liv asked but Sandra gave her a wishy-washy face.

"I think so but we have the OR set up just in case. If the baby crowns, if we see the head within the next few contractions, I think we'll be able to do it here. As always, time will tell," Sandra gave her a wink. Liv felt Amanda grab for her hand and immediately grabbed hers. She helped Amanda up so she could push. Mid through though Amanda cried out in pain and Liv shot Sandra a worried look. Amanda stopped pushing and tried breathing instead.

"Amanda just breathe," Sandra said as she looked up.  
"It burns," Amanda cried as she lay back down thankful the contraction was over.  
"The head is coming that's why. With the next one we'll try to start with breathing okay and then just push if you feel like it okay?" Sandra didn't get an answer but Amanda heard her. Ginny came around with a new wet cloth for Liv but when she tried to put it on Amanda's forehead she pushed her hand away. Amanda gave Liv a quick look and Liv could tell by her eyes she was struggling.

"You're doing great. She'll soon be here okay and it will be all worth it," Liv said and felt her own eyes tear up. She squeezed Amanda's hand.  
"When you see her all this will be over," Liv smiled, "you can do this okay?" Liv got a small nod and then tried the cloth on her forehead again and this time Amanda let her.

Two contractions later Sandra let them know the head of the baby was crowning and they would try and get the head out with the next one. Liv wasn't sure when she last felt this kind of rush. Not even four hours had passed since Amanda called for her attention in the squad room and since then Liv had gone through almost all emotions on her spectrum. Right now she felt mostly excited though, with a hint of exhaustion. Amanda felt mostly exhausted. She wanted to feel happy and excited but she was just drained and she felt disconnected from her lower part. There was nothing glamorous over birthing a child she caught herself thinking right before Sandra interrupted her.

"Okay here it comes Amanda, remember to breath and then push carefully when I tell you." Amanda looked anything but thrilled and Liv grabbed a hold of her hand.  
"Common Amanda, this is it. Breathe with me," Liv urged her and then started with the short inhales that had worked for them so far. Amanda took a deep breath and then joined Liv. Marjorie stepped up behind Sandra as the contraction hit.

"Okay now push Amanda," Sandra said. Liv helped her curl up and squeezed her shoulder as her face crumbled.  
"You're doing so good," Liv kept repeating close to her ear.  
"Okay head is out, relax Amanda," Sandra said and Liv couldn't hide her excitement.  
"Her head is out," she repeated.

"Okay now I want you to push one more time, a really big push so we can get her out. Okay?" Sandra looked up and got a sluggish nod from Amanda. "Go," she said and Amanda pushed for dear life. Liv held on to her hand and put her other hand on her neck. After only thirty seconds she fell back on the table again and Liv wasn't sure what was going on. She heard no baby scream. Wasn't there supposed to be a baby screaming at this point? Marjorie, one of her nurses and Sandra was working down by the end of the table.

"Good job Amanda," Sandra said as she kept working, "she's out." Amanda looked up just as Marjorie rushed over to the other side of the room with something in her hands. That something must be her little girl but she didn't even see a glance of her and she didn't make a sound.

"What's wrong?" Amanda panted.

"Marjorie can you tell us anything?" Sandra said as she kept her head down by Amanda's feet.

"She's a perfect little girl, heart is beating. I think we just have a slow starter here," Marjorie said and Liv was finally able to breathe again. Marjorie and the two nurses were working with the baby while Sandra and Abby were down by Amanda's feet.

"Amanda I'm going to put some pressure on your uterus okay? It's just to get your placenta out quicker okay?" Sandra stood up and changed position so she could reach better. Abby was helping her out.  
"You let me know if you feel any discomfort Amanda," Sandra said but Amanda was completely numb. She tried to keep her eyes focused on what was going on across the room. Liv kept holding on to her hand also with her eyes across the room.

"Why isn't she crying?" Amanda asked, now with her breathing under control.

"She's pinking up. And moving now. You'll hear her soon," Marjorie said. Sandra sat down as Marjorie spoke to her patient on the table. Sandra had delivered the placenta but was concerned now that she saw that the bleeding didn't come from that as she had expected. Suddenly the tiniest cry was heard in the room and it put a smile on everyone's faces. Liv couldn't help but laugh a little as she locked eyes with Amanda briefly. Marjorie picked up the little bundle and came over to the table. Ginny appeared suddenly by Amanda's side and opened up her robe a little over her chest. The tiny creature Marjorie held with a steady hand underneath her chest cried a little as she closed her fists in the air. Marjorie put her down on her mother's chest and within a second she had calmed down as those familiar heartbeats reached the newborn again.

"Oh my godness," Liv whispered as the little one made a few tiny attempts to move those little arms and legs of hers. Amanda couldn't talk, couldn't move. Feeling her tiny weight on her chest made it hard for her to breath. She was just so perfect. How could that have come out of her just now? Unbelievable. Amanda didn't know she'd moved it but she saw her own hand land just barely on the girl's back. She was so soft. Wasn't babies supposed to be wet and icky? Amanda moved her hand up to her head. A slight coat of black short strands covered her tiny head. She cupped her head gently and then came down to her cheek and over those perfectly curled lips of hers.

Liv watched them with tears in her eyes. She had a prefect view of that little face and that tiny hand trying to cling on to her mother's body. And the way Amanda looked at her made Liv smile like a fool. Amanda was mesmerized by the little one and rightfully so. She was tiny but perfectly shaped. Liv hadn't seen such a perfect newborn ever before. Not that she'd seen many newborns but this little girl had to be a prime example of perfectness. She was breathing and moving and absolutely gorgeous.

Liv got disturbed though by Sandra's strained voice as she asked Abby for some medical supply Liv never heard about before. She could tell on Sandra's face that not everything was okay down by Amanda's lower half. Liv swallowed hard and felt the happy tears get sucked back in as a slight nervousness washed over her. Liv unconsciously reached out and put her hand on Amanda's head in a protective manner. Marjorie had exchanged looks with Sandra and she approached the bed again.

"We have to whisk her away I'm afraid. She's a little lethargic which is perfectly normal for a preemie but she's fine and we'll take really good care of her," Marjorie said and then just gently picked the little one up from Amanda's chest. Ginny was quickly there and covered Amanda's chest up again. Amanda put her head back down on the pillow. Her face told of the anguish she felt of being parted from her daughter. They watched Marjorie and a nurse wrap the little one in a blanket and then put her on that portable table before they left the room. Liv looked back down at Amanda and saw her close her eyes as she wiped them from tears. Liv stroke her hair in protective manner.

"Okay Amanda," Sandra said without leaving her focus from the task she had at hand, "you did so good. Really good. I'm having a slight problem here with a bleed that won't let up okay?" She managed to look up to give Amanda a smile to make sure she didn't freak her out too much. Liv watched Amanda too but she looked mostly just exhausted. She was pale though and suddenly Liv feared something terrible was happening here and looked back at the doctor. She'd gone back down between Amanda's legs.

"What's going on?" Liv asked with obvious concern in her voice.  
"It's not a big bleed," Sandra said and looked back up at them, "but it just won't ease up so I'm afraid I'm going to have to take you to the OR Amanda. Put you to sleep just for a little while. Okay?" Amanda nodded just barely. She was just so tired so if she was supposed to feel worried about this they just had to come back a little later.

Liv was worried enough for the two of them though and she stroke Amanda's hair as she grabbed her arm with her other hand. Ginny had started to detach Amanda from the machines on the wall and put whatever that could on the bed. Sandra laid a quick compress in and outside of Amanda's body and then with the help of Abby got her legs down. Liv briefly let go of Amanda as Abby and Ginny helped her get situated for transfer. Liv stepped over to Sandra who was getting out of her bloodstained scrubs.

"What's going on? Is it dangerous?" Liv asked. Sandra shook her head.  
"It's a small bleed. Any bleed is bad though. I'm having trouble seeing where it comes from but in the OR I'll have better equipment and I'm sure everything will be okay," Sandra tried to calm her but Liv would not calm down until she learnt Amanda was okay and _not_ bleeding. They had started to wheel the table out of there and Liv caught up to Amanda's side to grab her arm again.

"You'll be fine," Liv said as she caught Amanda's eyes. Amanda just nodded, still looking extremely tired. And so frail. Liv felt guilty for some reason. Like she hadn't done her job right, like she didn't have Amanda's back.

"Will you make sure she's okay?" Amanda said so quietly Liv barely heard her but she knew who she was talking about.

"Of course," Liv said and squeezed her arm. They all rode up a floor. Since they were alone in there Sandra took a look underneath Amanda's sheet. She gave Amanda a quick smile once she put the sheet down again.

"We'll take good care of you and we'll have you back with that precious daughter of yours in no time," she said convincingly and then gave Liv a smile too.

Liv couldn't go with them any longer than the swing doors to the OR. Sandra let her know there was a waiting area just around the corner and she'd be out to let her know how Amanda was doing just as soon as they were done. Liv felt a sense of deja-vu as she watched the doors to the OR close behind Amanda. Please God let her be okay Liv begged and hoped someone was listening to her.


	18. Faith

**Thirty minutes later** Olivia was still pacing the waiting area. The nurse Ginny had come by as she'd left the OR, apparently she wouldn't scrub in with the doctor. She let Liv knew Amanda had gone to sleep peacefully and the doctor were certain she'd be able to stop the bleed. Liv wouldn't feel all that content until the doctor came out and told her that herself though. She asked Ginny if there was any news of the baby girl. She had promised Amanda to make sure she was okay. Ginny disappeared for a while but then came back with good news. Amanda's little girl was doing fine. She'd been given some oxygen and was on a monitor but everything looked fine. At least it was something to feel happy about. Now all she needed was good news on Amanda.

She was just thinking about going out in the hallway to see if she could find anyone to ask how the surgery was going when she heard ruckus coming down the hallway. She turned and watched just as Fin showed up with speed and right behind him Nick.

"How is she? Where are they? She's in the OR?" it all came pouring out of him at once. Liv grabbed his arms and tried to get a word in.  
"The baby is fine, tiny but perfect. She's in NICU. Amanda was so good during delivery. She had a bleed though so the doctor took her to the OR. Last I heard the doctor was certain they could stop it."  
"A bleed? What? Why? That can't be good?" Fin felt anything but calm and Liv grabbed his hands and squeezed them.

"This is Amanda we're talking about, Fin. She'll be fine," Liv sounded very secure and even surprised herself just how much. Fin seemed to trust her and took a deep breath. Liv released his hands and gave him a hug. He looked like he needed one. Fin rubbed his hand over his scalp as she let him go and Liv shot Nick a wide smile when he patted her arm gently.  
"And the baby. Fine you said?" Fin asked once the somewhat relaxing news about Amanda finally sank in. He'd been stressed since they left Auburn but it had mostly been concerns about the baby and if something happen to her how that would affect Amanda. Once they finally reached the hospital they got the news that Amanda was in the OR which threw Fin into a loop. It had never crossed his mind a premature birth could harm her.

"Most precious baby I've ever seen," Liv smiled so much her face almost hurt and her eyes teared up again. Nick gave her arm another nudge as he too felt tears to his eyes. They didn't have time to say much more because right then Sandra stepped into the waiting area. By the smile on her face they all gathered everything had gone well.

"Well the party is all here I see," she smiled and met them half way.  
"She's okay?" Fin asked eagerly. Sandra nodded.  
"Everything went fine. A small bleed but I managed to stop it and there will be no permanent damages. She'll be as good as new. No even better because she has a beautiful daughter too," Sandra smiled.

"The baby's okay?" Fin asked and again got a nod.  
"You want to see her?" Sandra asked. Fin got overwhelmed but managed to nod finally. Sandra gestured for him to come with her.

"We'll wait here okay?" Liv said and Fin turned and gave them a nod. Nick turned and gave Liv a proper hug once they were alone. He wasn't sure why he felt the need to hug her, joy from knowing everything for once went smoothly with Rollins in the hospital perhaps. Liv appreciated it though and touched his cheek as they let go of each other.  
"Amazing?" Nick asked since he could see joy on Liv's face. She nodded as they both had a seat next to each other.  
"Such a miracle. And the pain Amanda was in, I tell you I'll never complain ever again about anything. And then this little creature," Liv was beaming.  
"Ten toes, ten fingers?" Nick smiled and remembered how he'd counted Zara's.  
"Yes. And yes. I think," Liv smiled, "I was busy looking at that precious face. That cute nose and her lips. She was so tiny but still tried to move those tiny arms of hers. And that little whimper. She doesn't have Amanda's deep voice yet I can tell you," Liv smiled and Nick chuckled.

**Fin followed Sandra** down the hall and they took the stairs up one floor. Sandra informed him during the walk that Amanda had done so well during the delivery.

"It's never easy when you get rushed like that. When you don't have time to prepare and know the risks that comes with premature births. But she did really good. We called NICU while in the OR and her baby is doing fine. She will be on the tiny side when you see her but lungs and everything is looking good. They will keep her until we see that she can nurse, that she gains weight and can keep her temperature up. And I want Amanda to stay put and I'll try and keep her as long as the baby is here," Sandra gave Fin a smile. He got that she knew about Amanda's reluctance to stay in the hospital.

"I'm sure if you keep the baby hostage she'll sit tight," Fin smiled. They reached NICU and Sandra brought him inside to a room where he got to wash his hands thoroughly and put on a gown. She walked in first and smiled at the many nurses that were around. Fin saw many incubators. Some of them overwhelmed with machines around them and it looked scary and critical. Made Fin feel bad for whatever set of parents that belonged to that kid in the middle of it all. He turned his focus back to Sandra's back and followed her all the way to the back of the room. A nurse smiled as they approached, she stepped away from an incubator and handed Sandra a journal before she left them alone.

"Here she is," Sandra said but the information was unnecessary. He'd already seen the note on the incubator. Baby girl Rollins.

He held his breath as he stepped up next to the incubator. He'd never understood the captivation people seemed to have with babies but he got it now. From the very first glance he felt it in his heart. This baby would be loved.

"Go ahead," Sandra said when she saw him just standing there, "get your hand in there."  
"Can I?" he asked without letting his eyes of the little one.  
"You can and you should. Newborns need human contact. It's only good for her." Sandra watched as he very carefully stuck his hand inside. His gentle finger against her tiny arm. Sandra had a hunch. There was a reason she'd brought him in to the only-for-parents area. She'd seen the way Amanda acted around this man and the way he looked at her. She had a hunch they were more than partners. And she'd been in this baby delivering business long enough to see that this little girl, even though her skin was fair, might just be biracial.

Fin was hooked. Figurative and literary. The tiny girl had hooked his finger as best she could with that tiny hand of hers. And she'd hooked his heart the very second he laid eyes on her. Once she let go of his finger he put his palm down on her tiny chest and he felt her heartbeat ticking away as his fingers swiped down the side of her tiny chest. She stirred a bit under his touch and he smiled as he saw her tiny legs kick a little. Her feet were covered with the tiniest little white socks he'd ever seen. She wore the tiniest diaper he'd ever seen and on her head the tiniest little beanie. She had a wire attached to her chest, another one to her arm and underneath her nose a fine oxygen line.

"She's having some trouble maintaining her temperature, that's why she's in the incubator," Sandra said. Fin had felt the heat of the madras she laid on.  
"She's getting some oxygen to help her out a little but she's doing very well. We need to get her back together with her mom as soon as possible. See if she can nurse and put some weight on her," Sandra wasn't even sure he heard her. But then he suddenly gave her a brief look.

"So she's really okay?" he asked.  
"She's really okay Fin," Sandra said very convincing. Fin smiled as he looked back down. He touched the little girl's cheek and it made her scrunch up her nose a little. Fin chuckled silently.

"Well common, get your phone up, snap some photos while you can," Sandra urged.  
"I can?" Fin asked.  
"Without flash, go ahead," Sandra said and Fin got his phone up. He made sure his flash was off and then found a clear surface through the incubator. He shot a few photos and Sandra pointed out another good angle from where he'd get some good full size images. Not that it was hard, she was really tiny.

Fin felt a bit sad once they had to get out of there but felt a little better when Sandra reassured him he'd see her again soon enough. Now they needed to go see to the mother. Sandra left him with Liv and Nick for a while. Nick got to see the photos and he got what Liv had been fuzzing about. This was a cute baby. Sandra soon came back to take him to Amanda and Liv and Nick said their goodbyes. Sandra told Liv she did a good job as a mid-wife today and Liv chuckled as she volunteered her services in a week or two once she came down off the rush of today's events.

Fin felt a little overwhelmed as Sandra took him to see Amanda. Worrying for four hours stuck in a car on a road took its toll. Once he got to lay eyes on her though everything felt so much better. She was still sleeping once they got into her room. She had an IV line to her arm and a fine oxygen line underneath her nose just as her baby had. Sandra let him know she might be feeling the slight blood loss and the oxygen was to help her with that. For some reason the lines didn't bother him, he'd seen her in much worse condition. Sandra left him alone with her and said she'd check back in before she left the hospital for the night. Once they were alone he placed a light kiss on her forehead and sat down by her side with her hand in his. He sat there just looking at her for a while. He got interrupted once a nurse rushed in silently. Once she spotted him she stopped in her tracks.

"Oh sorry," she whispered, "I didn't know she had company." Fin shot her a smile so she'd know it was okay.  
"Still not woken up?" she asked and he shook his head.  
"It will probably not be long now. Will you do me a favor? If she wakes up before I check back in will you push the button above her bed?" Fin looked at the button and then nodded.  
"We want to bring mother and daughter back together as soon as possible," she informed him before she headed back out. He had another long look at Amanda's sleeping form. Then he suddenly thought of something. He looked at the watch above the door. It was past six pm. He got his phone up. He picked one of the photos that he'd just snapped and pressed attach to message. He found his son's number and started typing a message. _'Sorry for late raincheck but we have a very good excuse. Meet your baby sister. An hour old. 4 lbs 17" Mother n daughter doing fine. LY dad'_

He pressed send and then made sure he turned the sound off before he put his phone back down his pocket. He grabbed Amanda's hand again and he got an immediate response as he felt her finger twitch. He heard a low moaning sound and he reached up and stroked the side of her head. It took a while but then her eyelashes started to flare and slowly her eyes opened. It took her a while to focus but once she saw him a faint smile spread over her face. It took another few minutes before she was able to keep her eyes all the way open and focused on him. Once she was able to focus her thoughts there was only one thing she wanted to know. She swallowed a few times and tried to get sound out of her windpipe.

"How," she tried but didn't get further. She didn't have to though. He got her.  
"She's doing just fine. She's perfect. I've seen her. She's tiny but breathing and all," he saw a tear escape her eye and he gentle swept it away with his finger as he continued, "there was something about keeping her temperature but she's in this heated incubator. She was resting peacefully. She's really fine." He'd kept his hand by the side of her face and he stroked her cheek gently as he saw the relief on her face. She leaned into his hand a little.

"They want you two to hook up again though. A nurse asked me to call for her once you woke up. You want me to call her right away?" It didn't take her long to nod and Fin rose from his chair to reach the button. Before he did that though he stopped right above her face and hovered a bit. He made sure he had her eyes and then he leaned down and planted a soft kiss on her lips.  
"You did great," he whispered once he'd let her go. He got a smile and then he pushed the button.

**It didn't take long** until the little one travelled down a floor and Fin went around the bed so he could watch both Amanda and the baby as they were reunited. Hearing the nurse say 'here's your baby girl' made them both emotional. Fin helped Amanda sit up a little so she could reach over and put her hand inside the incubator. The nurse explained that the little one was doing fine but did have some trouble keeping her own temperature up and she needed the oxygen. They needed to mind the wires a bit but it didn't mean she was all that fragile. The nurse asked if Amanda was willing to give nursing a shot as they needed to establish if she could feed on her own. Amanda felt a sting of that fear to not be able to deliver but nodded. The nurse asked her to open up her robe and Amanda shot Fin a shy glance. He thought about asking if he should step out but he wanted to be there for this. He wanted to be a part of it.

The nurse spoke softly to Amanda at the same time as she opened up the incubator. She told Amanda to just relax and let it come naturally. If it worked it worked otherwise they'd just try again a little bit later. The little one started whimpering as the nurse picked her up. Fin couldn't help but smile like a fool even though she clearly didn't like leaving the warmth of the incubator. Amanda pulled her robe apart even more as the nurse with skilled hands flipped the baby over and put her down face first on her mother's bare chest. Amanda felt a sense of great relief as she felt that tiny weight on her chest again. Again the sound of her mother's heart beat had the same effect on the little one as she quiet down immediately once she had landed.

"Just let it come natural," the nurse whispered and pulled a little at Amanda's robe so the little one's entire body could connect with her mother's skin. The nurse pulled the cover a little over the two. The baby needed to stay warm. Amanda stroked the little ones back as she took in every part of her little face. Her tiny nostrils were flaring like she smelled something and her tiny fingers were looking for something to grab a hold off. Amanda put her finger in one of her tiny hands and she immediately latched on. Fin sat down quietly by the end of the bed and just watched the two connect.

"Can I take her beanie off?" Amanda asked as she managed to tear her eyes off the little one and to the nurse by her side.  
"For a while yes," the nurse smiled. Amanda carefully pulled it off and then gently rubbed the little ones head. The few dark strands were soft as could be and Amanda leaned down so she could put her lips to her head. She took in the scent, that amazing smell of a baby that she'd heard so much about and wasn't disappointed. She lay back down and watched as her daughter's eyelashes fluttered. Her eyes never opened up though but her lips did as she made a smacking sound.

"You see, she knows what she wants," the nurse whispered with a smile on her face. It never ceased to amaze her. The nurse told Amanda to help her out a little. Preemies usually needed some guidance she explained. Amanda gently pushed her head over towards her left breast. It felt wrong for some reason. Her breasts had always been an erogenous zone, linked to something very grown-up and here she was pushing her baby towards it. Amanda had always felt uncomfortable seeing women breastfeed in public and always looked away. This felt uncomfortable and strange and when the little one didn't seem to want any part of it Amanda felt anxious.

"No I can't, she doesn't..." Amanda stuttered and looked over at the nurse.  
"Just give her a minute or two. Don't worry. There are some tricks we can use but let's just give her some time," the nurse said with much patience in her voice. She'd been here many times before and knew not to rush it. Amanda's eyes went past Fin's before they landed back on her daughter. She pulled her robe up a little to cover her other breast up.

"Just relax," the nurse whispered and Amanda tried to.  
"Have you thought of a name for her?" the nurse asked to try and distract Amanda a little. Amanda took a deep breath and took a good long look at her daughter. There had been a name in her mind just these last couple of weeks. She'd seen signs all over the place of a certain someone that had meant a lot to her and now that she saw her daughter it seemed to fit just right. Amanda's eyes travelled up to meet Fin's.

"Faith. I want her to be named Faith," she said quietly. Fin smiled and gave her a little nod.  
"That's a beautiful name," the nurse said, "does it come from somewhere?" Amanda looked up at the nurse.  
"It was my grandmother's name." The nurse nodded at her.

"Faith," Amanda whispered as she looked back down at her daughter and caressed her little cheek gently.  
"Fay for short. My little Fay Fay," Amanda smiled. Fin made a sound that made her look up at him again.

"You're not going all Honey Boo Boo child on me are you," he teased. She rolled her eyes at him but with a smile. Her face suddenly got stiff and she looked back down as Fay moved her head so her lips brushed over her nipple. Within a second she'd lashed on to it and Amanda tried to relax as she started suckling on it. It took a few seconds before she got the hang on it but then Amanda could feel the milk leaving her breast and slowly pour into her daughter. It would never be a straight up only pleasant experience for Amanda this whole breastfeeding deal but she learnt to accept it as her daughter needed it and it was a good bonding exercise for the two in the beginning. You would never catch her doing it in public though and when she started to run low when Fay was around ten months it wasn't that hard for Amanda to give it up. The two didn't need breastfeeding to connect, they would have other ways and their bond would never be broken.

**Fay would only** have to stay in the hospital for 48 hours and Amanda stayed just as long. They got a visit from captain Cragen that first day in the hospital and he brought a teddy bear in a police uniform for the little one and a bouquet of roses for the mother. A little later that day Liv and Nick came by with more flowers and some balloons. They'd bought a 'my first year' book that Amanda would fill out for her daughter as she grew. This hospital stay didn't feel as bad as the last one and she appreciated their visits. Ken and Alejandro stopped by too and were both immediately in love with the little one. Fin had stayed that first night with them as Amanda got her own room up at the NICU floor that she could share with Fay. He'd been gone during the day but came back that next evening and stayed late. He did sneak out eventually though and went over to her place to continue getting her place in order for the homecoming. He'd put up the crib, bought tiny diapers and some other things he knew Amanda hadn't had time to buy yet. He was there to drive them home once they were ready to be discharged and he stayed that first night with them in her apartment. For a night they were just like a family.

If the pregnancy had been somewhat smooth and lacked any wild rides on the hormone roller coaster the first few weeks at home would be draining. Hormones, lack of sleep and a constant worry she wasn't a good enough mother took its toll.

Fin came around every day after work and stayed late if not the entire night. She was great with Fay, it seemed to come natural to her but she didn't seem to see what he saw and she worked herself up about everything. She told him how she'd read online that 15 % of premature babies had mild disabilities such as developmental delays and up to 8 % could have more serious physical and cognitive limitations. She worked herself up over this and not being able to meet her daughter's need and Fin had to talk her down every time. He didn't recognize this uncertainty that Amanda showed but didn't find it strange. It did seem she lacked that natural bond with her own mother and she'd never mentioned a good role model from her childhood except her grandmother.

Amanda had plenty of books and blogs that helped her out though. He could see she was really making an effort and had been since about a month before the birth when it finally seemed to dawn on her she was actually having a baby. When she had Fay in her arms she seemed so calm but as soon she was in her crib she got anxious and unsecure. It was like Fay was her security blanket. She needed her close by to feel secure. Fin, who was used to being her security blanket, tried his best to get her back to her usual secure self. It would prove straining though but he was partly to blame for the situation he was in and he knew he needed to step up to the plate.

It was a good day if he came to her place and found her on the couch with Fay by her breast or her on a blanket on the floor or on the bed watching Fay sleep. Amanda soon grew comfortable with breastfeeding in front of him and Fin loved watching it. He couldn't remember ever seeing Theresa breastfeed Ken. Probably because he was never around when Ken was little. Fay would look so comfortable with snuggling up to her mom's breast and afterwards Fin would have the pleasure of putting the tiny creature to his shoulder, gently rub her back until that little burp was heard. Then Fay would sleep very content for hours. Sometimes they stayed like that the three of them. Fin with the little girl sleeping in his arms and his bigger girl resting her head against his shoulder. A pleasure he couldn't get enough of.

Then there were times when hormones struck and those times weren't as pleasurable but he did his best to fight through them. They could be discussing something, like something they saw on TV earlier or the latest headline and she could go from a sane, sensible, articulate woman one second to a blubbering hot mess the next. Her reluctance to cry in front of him often made her lock herself into the bathroom. He learnt to stay away from telling her about any case SVU got that involved a child. That would just trigger her immediately. He tried to see signs so he could prevent her from going over the edge but his radar was off ever so often. He could call her from work and ask her what she wanted for dinner that evening and it could end with her being so devastated that he couldn't even hear what she was saying or she hung up embarrassed to be caught crying. He tried to get her to stick on the phone though, let her cry it out and try to console her as best as he could. He couldn't understand though how the choice between shrimp or pork in her dim sum could make her cry. He learnt to just not give her the option. He knew what she liked and she craved dim sum during this period for some reason.

He used to call her at least once during the day just to check in. He usually called her whenever he had a break but this particular day he was in the middle of the call when Cragen came out with a new case for Olivia and Fin. Olivia flagged him over and he walked down with her to her car. She had read something online that got her anxious and nothing he said worked to calm her down. By the time they reached the car Amanda was crying on the other side of the line and Fin just couldn't hang up. He got in the car and Liv took off.

"Listen Amanda, hey are you listening?" Fin tried but knew she wasn't. He tried a few more times to get a word in in-between sobs and he noticed Liv's concerned eyes.  
"You want us to drive over?" Liv whispered as he looked over at her but he shook his head. It would take another few minutes until Amanda could form a sentence again but then she seemed to sober up quickly. He told her he would check in a little later and then hung up with a sigh.

"She okay? Faith?" Liv asked and Fin sighed again.  
"Fay is fine. The other one seems to have been abducted by an angsty, hormonefilled Godzilla alien life form though," he complained and Liv chuckled.  
"She's really upside down eh?" Liv asked sympathetic.  
"Not even upside down, in a completely different universe. One minute, the other one she's just fine though. I can't figure it out. I thought this was something that was supposed to happen during the pregnancy, not after."  
"You should count yourself lucky. It could have been both during and after," Liv winked at him. They rode in silence for a while.

"You over there a lot?" Liv asked and watched him out of the corner of her eye. She couldn't lie, she was a bit curious about their partnership and just how far it went. Fin kept looking out the window.  
"I try to, she's alone with it all you know," he said calmly. He hoped she wouldn't probe more and she didn't.  
"She's up for a visit you think?" Liv asked instead.  
"You want to?" he asked and shot her a look.  
"I'd love to see her. And the baby," Liv smiled.  
"Give her a call, I'm sure she'd like a visit. She needs to talk to a sensible adult," he smiled.  
"Yeah since you're not that sensible," Liv teased. They'd reached the crime scene and Liv parked the car.  
"I'll give her a call later, ask if she like to have dinner or something," Liv said as she crossed the street.  
"Bring dim sum, she'll love you," Fin winked at her.

**Even though** he felt lost most of the time there were moments where he felt he did good. One day when he got to her place he found her hunched down by the wall right next to her closed bedroom door. Her arms were folded over her head and he got concern she was ill.  
"What's wrong?" he said and rushed forward and down to her level. As her arms came down he could see her face was striped with tears.  
"She hates me," she sobbed as Fin tried to wipe away some of her tears. Usually she would try and cover up her tears and it made him even more worried as she didn't even try to do that.

"Who? Fay?" he asked confused.  
"Yes," Amanda sobbed and crashed with her head down into her lap again. Fin got her head back up and tried to look at her with sympathetic eyes.  
"Why?" he asked as her entire body trembled by a deep sob.  
"She's just crying and crying. Nothing I do works. She hates me. I know she hates me," the words came dashing out. Fin let her ramble on for a while until it seemed she finally emptied out everything she needed to get out of her system.

"Have you strangled her?" he then asked and she gave him a puzzled look.  
"Suffocated her?" he asked and she shook her head as her face turned more angry than devastated.  
"No of course not," she said with some irritation in her voice. He rather see her angry than sad so he was happy to hear that.

"Listen," he said and let the room be silent for a while until he continued: "She's not crying right now though."  
"She probably fell asleep of exhaustion. Fell asleep hating me," Amanda pitied herself. Fin gave her a kiss on the forehead and then went up to check on the baby. Fay was in her portable cot on Amanda's bed, sleeping very comfortable with no signs of distress so Fin sneaked out before he'd wake her up. He squatted down by Amanda's side again. Her head was resting at her knees.

"Did I kill her?" he heard her mumble and he stroked her head.  
"She's just fine. I think it's her mother that needs some TLC right now," he said and kissed her head.  
"Come let's get some food in you and then I think you need some sleep too," he said and grabbed a hold of her to get her upright. She tried to help but he could tell she was weak, probably very tired. There was a reason there were usually two doing this and even though Fin tried to pull his weight Amanda was alone with the baby most of the time. Add to that she only less than 8 months ago was still in the hospital after a very serious injury. Her body never got the chance to heal properly until she found herself knocked up. Now only two weeks after the birth, she'd lost all weight from the pregnancy and it was true in her case that nursing sucked you dry. If you didn't know you could never tell she just had a baby. Of course she didn't go full term so she didn't have to deal with the weight she'd probably gained had she. He managed to direct her into the kitchen and made her sit down by the table as he fixed the food he'd brought home for them. He put her plate in the microwave a minute and then placed it before her.

"Eat," he said as he put the fork in her hand. He hoped that the smell of her favorite thai meal from her local restaurant would get her apatite going. He did regret not buying dim sum as usual though, he was just so tired of it himself he thought he'd tried something else tonight. He put his plate in the micro wave next and then joined her at the table. He dug into his food but could tell she was mostly playing around with hers.

"Jackie Chan will be mad at you if you don't eat his food," Fin said.  
"He's not Jackie Chan," Amanda sighed but put the fork to her mouth. Fin insisted that the man usually behind the counter was the Asian actor and backed it up by the fact he had to make money on something other than his b-rated movies. Fin extended his hand and stroked Amanda over her head as he saw her put down the fork a second time. He let his hand run down to her shoulder and down on her arm. He kept it there as some sign of support. She got it and appreciated him being there. She was just so tired though and the food didn't even taste decent right now. Fin could tell she was almost nodding off where she sat and he knew he couldn't win a battle where the opponent was exhaustion. He put down his fork, got of his chair and hunched down by her side. She tried to focus her eyes on him but he could tell she couldn't even do that. He got her arms over his shoulders and grabbed a hold of her legs as he stood up.

He easily lifted her up and walked over to the bedroom with her. He knew how tired she must be because at any other time would she have fought him carrying her like some damsel in distress. He open the door carefully and hoped for dear life Fay would stay asleep for at least a few more minutes until he could get Amanda to bed and the infant out of there. He carefully put Amanda down and made sure she lay comfortable on the bed. He didn't have to bother about her clothes because she wore a tee and a pair of sweats that looked very comfy on her. He stroked away some hair form her face and then turned his attention to the infant.

"Let's let your mama get some well deserved rest okay?" he whispered and then grabbed the cot as carefully as he could. He walked out very slowly so not to tip the cot and then closed the door behind them.

"We're free," Fin whispered as he walked into the living room. He put the cot down on the table and sat down at the very edge of the couch so he could see her properly. People and nurses and doctors at the hospital had told him that the little girl was adorable but Fin had just figured it was something they said about all newborns but now as he looked at her he had to really agree. Even when he tried to look at her with unbiased eyes he thought she looked damn adorable. It was hard to tell yet what color her skin would be but she'd be lighter than Fin for sure. They knew her eyes were light brown but she'd lost those black strands on her skull so the hair color was still a mystery. She had her mother's nose and mouth for sure. Her face was perfectly round and her round cheeks had tiny dimples.

She had of course been underweight when born but it looked as though she'd inherited her mother's slim figure as well. Her tiny legs and arms had no chubby baby fat yet and might never get any. She was progressing well though, gaining the necessary weight and growing just a little each day just as she should be. And those underdeveloped lungs of hers sure caught up, he had heard her scream. He kept watching her for a while almost hoping she would wake up. Fin's stomach was letting him know he was still hungry so he went into the kitchen to fetch his plate. He scooped some of Amanda's food over on his plate and went back into the living room. He sat down at the end of the coach again so he could watch her as he ate.

"There's plenty for you too if you're hungry," he whispered but Fay just kept still in her cot. He finished his plate and put it down on the table away from the cot. Fin wondered if the kid was warm enough. She was dressed in only a romper but then again the apartment was warm. Winter was coming quickly and the temperature had dropped several degrees since Fay was born. He knew Amanda had been a bit anxious about stepping out with her daughter at first but now she managed to get them outside at least once a day. Just a few days ago he'd asked Cragen if it was okay if he took some personal time and he headed over to meet Amanda who was at the hospital with Fay for her first weekly check-up. He'd met up with them outside and Fay had been all bundled up in her buggy.

The check-up had gone perfectly. Fay had been awake and then fallen asleep just as they got out so she slept peacefully when he met the two of them. They walked back to her place. Amanda was still in that new mom phase, this was their first long trip outside. She still didn't feel all that comfortable maneuvering the buggy and Fin caught her smiling proudly when she made a good maneuver with the buggy. Fin found it cute but of course he didn't say anything to Amanda about it. When they got home Fin got the job to undress the kid. Of course Fay had woken up and started fuzzing but he'd finally gotten her clothes off. She kept fuzzing though and he couldn't help with that since she was hungry. Amanda got herself seated comfortable on the couch while Fin kept rocking Fay in his arms. He couldn't help but sneak a peek as Amanda took her top off. She caught him though and gave him a glare.

"Take a photo why don't you?" she teased.  
"Yes please, can I?" he shot right back and he got another glare. She hadn't let him anywhere close for quite some time now. He missed it but he wasn't feeling desperate. And he knew she was banned from sexual intercourse for at least six weeks due to the surgery. The intimacy the three of them shared was enough right now.

That day when she'd taken off her top and he'd put Fay down by her breast he'd been watching them in awe. It was like he saw Amanda in a different light. Of course he couldn't help but sneak a peek at her bare breast but he didn't feel that usual arousal he felt whenever he saw some skin of hers. This was something more, felt like something even more powerful. He felt blessed when he saw that little creature nibbling on her mother's breast. Like he was a part of a very special threesome. It felt like his family and the feeling both scared him and made him feel so very thankful. He reached out and gently touched Amanda's cheek. She leaned into his hand for a bit and then managed to tear her eyes away from her daughter.

"What's wrong?" she asked and Fin realized he had tears in his eyes. He shook her off though and just came a little bit closer. He let his finger run down over her collarbone and down to the scar between her breasts.  
"Don't," she whispered. He still lingered a bit though, he knew of her ambivalence to her scars and he didn't like it. The scars didn't make her any less beautiful.  
"I don't like that you're embarrassed over them," he let her know as his hand wandered up to her neck again.

"I'm not, I just… I don't know," she sighed. She wasn't sure herself why she didn't like him to see them. She wasn't so fond of seeing them herself. Perhaps it had something to do with coming so close to death. They'd browsed the subject during her mandatory counseling sessions after her shooting. The shrink had suggested that she perhaps had felt a bit invincible until she got shot. Amanda had of course not taken the bait and just said what she had to do to get cleared for duty. She knew she wasn't invincible, everyone was mortal in the end. But untouchable. She wanted to be untouchable in a sense since it made things, life, easier. But the bullets had touched her. Entered her. Things that got under your skin, that penetrated you, wetter those things were bullets or people, they would leave scars in one way or another. She didn't need more scars.

Amanda got pulled back to present as her daughter made a smacking sound by her nipple. She shot Fin a quick smile. She didn't say anything more about the scars though and he didn't push it. He put his palm down on her bare chest near Fay's head, wanted to be a part of that bond he saw between the two and this was the closest he could get to it. He waited for her to say something but she didn't seem to mind. He leaned in and kissed her temple. She looked up at him again and looked concerned at him.

"What's wrong Fin?" she asked since she could tell he was somewhere in his head. As always though he couldn't let her in and instead he shot her a cheeky smile.  
"It's true what they say, nursing women are hot."  
"You're such a perv Fin," she sighed but had a smile on her face. He leaned in again and this time she met his lips with her own.  
"Don't say perv in front of our daughter," he said once he let her lips go.

"Then stop being one," she shot back. It didn't go unnoticed though that he said 'our daughter'. It was the first time and she loved hearing it. Her grandma Faith had told her once to keep rare, precious moments sealed in her memory box inside her heart to save them there for a rainy day. As a kid she hadn't gotten it, figured you needed an umbrella more than moments when it rained, but now she did. This would be one of those moments she put in her box.

**Fin had been reminiscent** about that day last week and how mixed his emotions had been about the situation they were all in. But now he got pulled from his thoughts when Fay suddenly made a tiny sound from the cot. He noticed her left leg was kicking some. He waited for something else to happen but her leg just kept kicking and it made him smile.

"Nice beat there kid," he whispered. He figured she was dreaming or something. He picked up his phone and made a short video of it before she went still again. As carefully as he could he put the back of his hand down on her arm to make sure she was warm enough. She felt just fine and he stopped worrying about her being cold. She would sleep for another hour but then she woke and started fuzzing. He tried carrying her around the room and it worked, at least for a while. She stayed calm in his arms for a while and it seemed she was looking at him but then she started whimpering again. Once he ruled out the diaper he figured she must be hungry and they paid Amanda a visit in the bedroom. He woke her up but then helped out by pulling up her tee and then placed Fay by her breast. He smiled as she watched her almost fall back asleep as Fay was nursing.

"You should watch yourself so I don't take advantage of you in this vulnerable state," he whispered with a smile once she managed to open her eyes a little. He reached out and touched her cheek caringly. She gave him a faint smile.  
"You wouldn't," she mumbled as her eyes fell shut again. It warmed his heart that she trusted him like this. Once Fay seemed to have had enough he picked her up carefully and then pulled Amanda's tee down all the way.  
"Go back to sleep, I got her," he whispered and gave her face a caress before he left the room. Yes he had them, both of them and he was very grateful for the privilege.

**The next week** was Thanksgiving and they were all invited to Teresa's place if Amanda was up for it. He could tell she was a little apprehensive about it but she said she really wanted to go. She worried Fay would fuzz and she couldn't handle it properly but she didn't have to worry. Fay was a perfect angel and she charmed the small crowd gathered at Teresa's. Fay wore a dress for the very first time. Not one of those ruffled ones though, no daughter of Amanda would be caught dead in one of those. No Amanda had found a simple but yet adorable little dress in a local store that sold environmentally friendly clothes. She'd even found a new top for herself there that she wore on this special holiday. Teresa, Ken and Alejandro of course had a gift for Fay but Amanda felt very moved once she too got a gift.

They had made her a goodie bag with some small but thoughtful ingredients. A scented candle, a book by an author Ken knew she liked, a Starbucks gift card, comfy slippers and a few more items. Teresa told her to make sure to take care of herself too, that she knew how hard it could be. Amanda appreciated that she didn't go deeper into the matter although she figured she was hinting at that she too had to raise Fin's baby on her own. Teresa did however make sure to take her a side a little bit later and they had a nice heart to heart. Teresa let her know she could call if she ever needed a babysitter or advice or anything. Amanda really appreciated it and made sure Teresa knew that. She would call her a few times over the years to come, they'd meet for holidays and Amanda would come to think of her as a friend and not just Fin's ex.

Then Christmas came and Amanda went home to her mother for a few days. She'd sent her mom and sister photos of Fay but this was the first visit. Kim came home too and, for a Rollins family get-together, it went okay. Her dad was around a bit and even though Amanda kept her distance to him she made sure he got to spend time with Fay. She didn't want to come in-between their relationship, she wanted them to have one, but she would make damn sure he would never hurt Fay the way he'd hurt her.

Amanda played along with her mother's prancing around her neighborhood showing off that new grandchild of hers. She had to put up with some bragging from her mom about Amanda being a New York detective on an elite squad too but she thought she handled it all rather good. It wasn't like she wasn't proud of it, she usually didn't go around bragging about it though. Even though it hadn't been that bad of a visit she still felt happy once she could fly home again and Fin was happy to have them back again too.

**And Amanda didn't** need to worry about Fay's development. She picked up just fine. And once Amanda got the hang of all the different cries, how the high, screechy one meant hungry, the lower, whiny one meant a diaper change or something else feeling uncomfortable and the one in-between just meant 'pick me up I want to be held', she could relax more and found this whole motherhood not such a bad thing. Every milestone was something to celebrate. That first smile that made Amanda's heart melt, the first time she caught Fay raising her head to follow her through the room and then that adorable little laugher that was so easily tricked out of that tiny little body. She learnt quicker than the average kid to carry her weight on her legs and then it didn't take long until she could roll around on her own. Fin was ecstatic about her mini-pushups. But then when it felt like she really could recognize her mother's face and voice Amanda had to go back to work. She'd used the full 12 weeks Cragen had offered her and even though she thought she would miss work she wouldn't mind spending another 12 weeks at home with her daughter.

She found a very good nursery school close to her home though. She did of course check the record on every employee, she was an SVU detective after all. They provided good care for her daughter while she worked the day shift for a couple of months. Then she would find a very reliable young college student that could take Fay home the days when she had to work late.

Amanda treasured every moment she could spend with her daughter. She did keep a good eye on the development curve though but Fay kept making good progress and scored high on every weekly and then monthly check-up. Amanda felt proud when the pediatrician told her Fay responded well to her name and she was able to sit up sooner than her peers. By six months she was already crawling and with the help of Fin she baby proofed the entire apartment. She'd gotten a hang of the waving goodbye even though she surely didn't understand what it meant and she loved playing peek-a-boo. Her favorite toy, except for everything she could grab a hold of in the kitchen and pound together to make a ruckus, was a colorful unicorn that Fin had bought her as a newborn. And as the perfect mother's day gift she made a sound that sounded like mama.

Fin had made a note in his calendar not to forget Mother's day. He was lousy at birthdays and gifts and holidays and had always relied on others to remind him but he'd made damn sure not to forget this day – her first Mother's day. He got her a bunch of flowers and developed and framed a photo he had in his phone of Amanda and Fay. It was a really cute photo of Fay planting a kiss on her mother's cheek, with her hands having a tight grip around her entire face and Amanda still managing to look adorable with a big smile on her face. Fin knew exactly where and when it was taken. They had been in the park, spring had really bloomed and it had been a really great day outdoors with just the three of them. Fin had taken a photo of this cool piece of mural graffiti when he'd heard Amanda laugh and when he turned around Fay had seemed to be trying to swallowing her mother whole. It had turned out to be a kiss though and Fin was lucky he had the camera up. Amanda loved the framed photo and the flowers. It did make Fin think that perhaps maybe he should buy her flowers more often.

During the summer they had a brush with an armed pedophile and it was a close call for both of them. It made Amanda worry about Fay and what would happen to her if anything happen to both of them. Fin tried to calm her down, nothing would happen to them and certainly not at the same time.

"You don't know that Fin. You can't promise me that. We can be in the car together and it can be over in a second. We could both be shot in an instance when we walk into a building together. That bullet grazed you and it was inches from my head," she had to take a breath as her thoughts came pouring out of her.  
"Thanks for picturing me dead," he mumbled and took another bite of his plate as they were in the middle of dinner.

"I'm just saying what if. So I was thinking," she started but waited for his reaction. She was waiting for the 'oh oh' face since that's what he usually gave her when she said 'I was thinking'. But he just asked 'what`' quickly. He just wanted to get off the subject of them getting shot or run over. She wanted guardians for Fay but she ruled out her family and he wouldn't argue with her. And that's when she suggested Ken and Alejandro.

"How do you feel about that?" she peeked up at him from underneath her bangs to see his reaction. He just kept chewing for a while with his eyes on the plate but then finally looked up at her.  
"You'd liked that?" he threw the question back at her.  
"Yeah. I think they would be excellent parents for her," she said and he gave her a slight shrug of his shoulders.  
"It's cool by me," he said.

"You think Ken and Alejandro would want to?"  
"I think they would be a little too happy. Maybe even kill us off to get to her," he said and took another bite. Amanda chuckled. And they would be happy and proud to be asked to be Fay's guardians. Amanda had to agree that Alejandro did become crazy happy, asked when they could sign the papers and later Amanda would joke with Fin that he might have been on to something and they should watch their backs.

**By summers end** Fay had maneuvered many more milestones. She was crawling almost as fast as Fin could run and she could walk with aid by a hand or furniture. Everyone kept saying she would walk before her first birthday. She reacted when you called her name and she could follow easy instructions. She did understand the word 'no' and it was one Amanda had to use a little more often than she liked too. She didn't want to limit her kid like she felt her own mom had done with Kim and herself but on the other hand she couldn't risk letting Fay put everything in her mouth that she got her hands on or let her get into dangerous situations like when she climbed something higher than a couch. The fall from the living room table left them in the ER with, thankfully, not a concussion.

Fay was showing good cognitive skills using her thumb-finger grip early on and she could clap her hands but still found it funnier watching someone else doing it. She had a contagious laugh and everyone at the nursery school said she was such a happy and delightful child.  
She did have a nice personality and she kept being cute. At about six months Amanda started feeling hair on her scalp and she could feel it was rough like Fin's hair. But it came out blonde and soon she had the cutest little blonde afro surrounding that cute face of hers. Her glowing aura, as many called it, was showing.

At ten months Amanda stopped breastfeeding and it didn't take long until Fay got a hang of the spoon but still preferred to be fed. The kid was a bit lazy and Amanda silently blamed her dad for that trait. She would mimic your moves and picked up on learning new things easily by doing this. She took her first steps not long thereafter. As many working mothers Amanda missed this as it happen while in nursery school. One of the caretakers shot it with her phone though and sent the clip to Amanda which left her standing breathless and with tears in her eyes in the middle of the squad room. She didn't care though. She was so proud and happily showed her squad the minute long clip with her daughter's first seven steps before she fell only to burst out laughing like a maniac where she laid. Like she too was hysterically proud of herself. The clip made Fin and Nick laugh while Liv aw'ed about how cute she was.

Fay got the hang of walking rather fast and then all Amanda had to work on was keeping up. It gave Fin the idea for Fay's very first Halloween costume. Amanda thought it was a bit silly celebrating Halloween since Fay basically still just found the ding on the microwave enough to celebrate but she let Fin have his fun since he did all the work. He made her into a runner, tights and all with a pair of new smart sneakers, a number plate on her chest and a sweatband around her head. Fin had his work cut out for himself to keep Fay from not ripping off her number plate but with a whole lot of tape it actually got to stay on for the remainder of the night. Amanda had to admit the costume was cute and Fin got them to go outside just to show it off. She did get a lot of positive comments and even though they weren't trick or treating Fay earned a few candy bars from people walking by. Fin would snag the bars but let her keep a fiver that someone gave her. For her piggy jar he said as he handed it to Amanda.

And then it was time for her very first birthday. A whole year had passed and Amanda didn't know what she'd done to be blessed with this precious little soul in her life.

But everything wasn't of course just peachy and rosy. Teething had been a draining period for both mother and daughter. Lack of sleep for both of them took its toll but thankfully it was a short period. Amanda had one big worry though that would linger for at least another year. Fay didn't talk. She'd said mama at the 'right' time on the chart but then nothing else came. She could babble but mostly she was quiet except for that delightful laughter of hers that was heard a lot. She grunted when frustrated, like when Amanda tried to lure her to say something by having to say water or milk instead of just pointing to it. They did run tests on her hearing but it showed what Amanda already knew, there was nothing wrong with her hearing.

And at the one year check-up she scored high in intelligence. She could point to different bodyparts and got it right, she listen to instructions and followed them, she could draw easy forms with a crayon. The doctor found nothing wrong but she still didn't speak so Amanda withheld something must be wrong. And it wasn't that Amanda didn't do her best. Even though Fay was a very active child, one of those that would climb a bookshelf if you didn't kept your eye on her and would easily run off in a crowd, she did enjoy, and had from a very young age, listening to stories. She was captivated by the drawings in books and seemed to listen to every word you read out loud and loved when you did voices when characters spoke.

Fay's pediatrician let Amanda know though that about one out of four children were late talkers and fewer than half of those would require therapy to get them on track. The doctor told her to just keep reading with Fay, try not to stress out about it and if she by the two-year-check-up still wasn't talking they would set things in motion. Thankfully she would make progress though, slow but steady and by three years old she was talking up a storm to the point any other parent might just have prayed for a silent break. Amanda knew better though, she remembered how worried she'd been and she tried to listen to every word that came out of that little mouth of hers.

But she was still only a year old and it was time for her very first birthday. They - Fin, Amanda and Fay - spent it at Kens and Alejandro's place with Teresa and her nephew as the only other guests. It was Alejandro that wanted to throw her a party and Amanda didn't mind even if she still felt all they needed was a microwave with a ding or a singing stuffed animal to keep Fay happy. But it had been a very sweet party Amanda had to admit and let Ken and Alejandro know she was extremely grateful for everything they had done. From the adorable birthday cake, the party hats, the balloons to the friend they had that worked at a theater that came over dressed up as a character you could imagine finding in Wonderland and that had Fay mesmerized. She sat still as he painted a butterfly on her cheek, he did some juggling and then handed over a stuffed unicorn that later would settle in with the many more she had back home. It was a perfect birthday party for her little girl and she liked the feeling of them being surrounded by people that loved them, genuinely loved them.

She'd taken Fay home to Atlanta once during the summer and now they did the same trip for Thanksgiving so her mom got a chance to celebrate the newly turned one year old. It wasn't such a warm Thanksgiving that she'd gotten accustom to at Teresa's but it wasn't that bad. This was the family she'd been born into wetter she liked it or not and in small dozes she could handle it. Also this way she got to spend the entire Christmas holiday in New York with Fin by her side. This Christmas Fay was a little more aware of her surroundings and a whole lot more active. Fay loved the snow and even though Fin didn't he pushed through it and even made a snowman with her. He'd do anything for that little girl and Amanda loved seeing the two of them together. She'd been so busy being a mom she hadn't thought much about the relationship she had with Fin. She was just very content with life right now.

For Fin this past year had been emotional. He loved that little girl, and her mother and there were times when he wondered if he could change his ways. If he could settle down again. Or for the first time really. He'd never fully settled down with Teresa and Ken. He always came back to the conclusion though that this was the best way for them. They had a good thing going, why ruin it he figured. Now that they were back to what they had before Fay was born he was fully satisfied.

He had to work for it though. Amanda had kept her distance for a good six months and he had to actually work hard to seduce her and finally get her to give him some. It was a bit harder now with a baby present. For one Amanda's one bedroom apartment gave them not much privacy and Amanda was determined not to give any mixed messages to Fay. If they weren't officially a couple neither would they be that in front of Fay. So with Fay in the crib in the bedroom he had to settle with the couch. Once he got to, well tap her, it was like opening a faucet though and then they used the kitchen table or floor or whatever was closest. However, she was first and foremost a mother these days though and he had to accept that. Whenever Fay made a sound, unless it was that cry that let Amanda knew she was just fuzzing and would go back to sleep if she didn't get any attention, she was able to just switch off and took off leaving Fin all hot and bothered on his own. He caught himself being jealous of a toddler but he'd forgive her as soon as he'd cooled off.

**They got a few days off** during Christmas and they spent most of them over at Amanda's place. They visited Teresa's as usual at Christmas Eve but the rest of the days it was just the three of them. After only a few days it was another night off as New Year's arrived. Fin came over to her place again and they enjoyed a simple dinner at home. As midnight approached they bundled themselves and a sleeping Fay up and headed for the roof to watch some fireworks. Fay hade ear protection on and slept through the whole thing in Fin's protective arms. As the fireworks really set off and they heard people on the street yelling Happy New Year Amanda got up on her toes and planted her lips on Fin's. He would have deepen the kiss if it weren't for the sleeping toddler in his arms but he settled with her arm around his waist and her head leaning against his arm as they kept watching the fireworks until the cold got to them and they went back downstairs.

A little bit later as they both lay down side by side in her bed not far from a snoozing Fay he asked her quietly if she'd made any new year's resolutions. She thought about it but then shook her head.  
"I have a roof over my head, I have a job I love, a great partner and the best daughter I could wish for. My life is good, I don't need resolutions," she told him quietly.

Not even a month later though she would curse herself for saying it out loud. She should have known better. Her life would never be easy. She scolded herself for putting her guard down. In late January she would get a visit from Atlanta, and not the good kind…

**XXX**

**Ohhh more drama on it's way. Guard yourselves.**  
**This was a fun chapter to write. Became longer than intended cause it's so much fun to imagine what a Finanda kid would be like. We all know of course it has to be an extremely beautiful and remarkable kid ;)**


	19. Uncovered

**Your wish is my command killerQueen32. No but seriously I appreciate you wanting more, I love to write this even if this 'passage' is somewhat hard cause it's emotional. And the chapters will be long, but I think u like that right? I don't want to cut the fluff and all that cause I think it's important for the story. I think so much is going on on the inside with both Fin and Amanda so it sorta needs to be there to not make them come through as flat or sometimes too harsh I guess. **  
**Okay enough blabbering. Sit back, enjoy (I hope) and please review.**

**XXX**

So it had been a good year. No a _really_ good year. She couldn't remember a year that had gone by so smoothly. Not a single Kim incident, no major guilttrips originated from her mother. She had a precious daughter and she loved being her mother. She was back at work full force and being a mother just made her more passionate about the job she was doing. Having a child didn't hold her back, sure it was tiring at times and she worried about not spending enough time with her daughter but most of the time it was the most amazing thing. She couldn't imagine a life without Fay and it struck her at times what she'd done with her life before she existed.

And then there was the man in her life. Her constant partner and secret lover. Of course their relationship could be easier but the year had flown by and he'd been a part of what made it so awesome. He'd given her Fay of course which was such a huge gift. And even though he wasn't officially her dad out in public he did play the role well. He was there for both of them, helped out a lot but somehow managed to treat her just the same at work. Now that a year had passed and things seemed to settle a bit her mind had started spinning a bit though. Christmas and New Year's had been great with just the three of them. She wondered a little how it would be if they could have that all year around.

But her thoughts, her life, would get interrupted by late January. First there was a snowstorm from hell that knocked out electricity throughout the city. For two days she was snowed in with Fay which wasn't such a bad thing. Sure the apartment looked like a bomb had erupted in it but they had loads of fun causing the mess. Fay had gotten a hang of how a ball worked and the bedroom had been a soccer field for a while before they turned it into Wonderland with hand drawn large trees up on the walls. Fay was good with crayons and had colored the green into the crowns that Amanda drew. Food hadn't been a major problem even though it took some time to heat something over a candle. They'd managed to salvage some things from the freezer by placing them out on the fire escape. It had been an adventure for both of them.

What she didn't know was that the storm actually gave her a few more days of serenity. Her visitor from Atlanta had to postpone his trip a few days but it was inevitable. Second day back at work after the snowstorm her phone buzzed and she was surprised to see her former captain's name in the window. He did check in from time to time though but it had been a while now.

"Sam?" she asked as she stepped out on the curb to get some privacy from the crowd at the crime scene she was at. She pulled her jacket a little closer around her since it was very cold out there.  
"Hey, how's my favorite New York detective?" came from the other side of the line and Amanda chuckled just a bit.  
"Just fine cap. How are you doing?" she shot back.  
"I'm okay. How's that precious daughter of yours?"  
"My pride and joy. Up and sprinting by now," Amanda smiled proudly.  
"Sprinting around the softball field soon I bet."  
"If I have anything to do with it you bet cap," she smiled but when the line went silent she sensed something was up.

"You didn't just call me to ask about Fay did you?"  
"Always the detective," she heard the strain in his voice.  
"Is it Kim?"  
"No, not your family," he reassured her.  
"What's going on cap?"  
"I'm flying in tomorrow Amanda. I was hoping to talk to you."  
"About what?"  
"I rather talk to you face to face. Will you have time for me?"  
"Of course. No one died did they cap?"  
"No. Oh no it's nothing like that," she could hear he was trying to lighten the conversation up but he didn't quite succeed. She saw Fin gesturing to her in the door.

"I'm at a crime scene Sam, I have to run. When tomorrow? You want me to come pick you up at the airport?"  
"No, no need to. My flight should arrive at noon but I'll give you a call when I'm in your area. I'm in no hurry so I'll wait if you're out on a call. I'll be in town for 24 hours. Well I won't hold you. See you tomorrow Amanda." He hung up and she had a worry knot in her stomach when she walked up the stairs to where Fin was waiting.

"You okay?" he asked and she nodded quickly.  
"Who was on the phone?"  
"No one, what we got so far?" Amanda asked and walked by him so he'd drop the subject.

She went home alone that evening. She picked up her daughter, stopped by a fast food restaurant to pick up some dinner and then headed home. She tried to push away the concern she felt over the phone call earlier and the visit she was getting tomorrow. Her daughter was a great distractor. Amanda stayed by her daughter's side even after she'd fallen asleep. Watching her sleep always made her feel peaceful. Soon though she found herself worrying again about whatever it was her Atlanta captain wanted to talk to her about. If he was flying up just to talk to her it must be major she figured.

**She felt on edge the entire day** as she waited for Sam's phone call. She hid it well though and not even Fin seemed to notice. She had a light lunch in case Sam wanted to get something to eat later on. Sam called a couple of minutes past one and let her know he was nearby. Amanda and Fin had an interview coming in but when Fin was a way for a bit she asked Nick if he could cover for her. He of course said yes without asking any questions and Amanda sneaked out to meet Sam at a café near Central park. She spotted him at a table once she stepped inside. He lit up when he saw her and rose to give her a hug.

"Okay, show me a photo of the little one," he said as they sat down and Amanda picked up her phone. She handed him the phone as she found a recent photo.  
"Oh precious. What a cutie," Sam smiled. He had a long look and then handed Amanda her phone back.  
"I'm sorry I missed you the last time you were back home," Sam said. She tried to meet up with him when she was in town but he'd been to his wife's family over Thanksgiving, they lived a state away. It was a good thing though that he'd gone with his wife, hopefully meant things were better between the two.

"What did you want to talk about Sam?" Amanda couldn't wait for him to get to the point.  
"Can we just order something first?" Sam asked as he picked up his menu from the table.  
"Have you eaten?" he asked and she nodded since she didn't feel hungry any longer. A waitress approached. Sam looked to Amanda when the waitress asked what she could get them.  
"A tall latte please" Amanda said and handed her back the menu.  
"A plain coffee thanks," Sam said after that and handed his menu to the waitress too.

"Am I interrupting some beastly investigation of yours?" Amanda shook her head since she was more interesting in knowing why he was there than discuss the most recent crime.  
"Do you run around here in the summertime?" he asked and she nodded.  
"It's happen," she said very short.  
"I don't do much running these days as you can probably tell," he smiled at her hinting at his increased hemline. The waitress came over with their beverages. They each had a taste.

"Okay so I can tell you're not interested in small talk," he said as he put down his cup. He still had that kind smile over his face though. Amanda felt a bit bad but she couldn't disguise her eagerness to know why he was here. And the fact that Sam seemed nervous didn't make her any less curious. He looked at her for a while and she tried to hide the turmoil that was going on inside of her. She wasn't sure she was successful though.

"It's Hall," he said and Amanda's worst fear came true. Suddenly the air in there seemed stuffy. She watched the waitress pass their table with another order for another table.  
"He did it again. At a Christmas party," she heard him talk but she wasn't able to look at him as her eyes were frozen at a crack she'd found in the tile floor.  
"She pressed charges, along with another woman. Internal affairs are looking into him. Sexual misconduct and sexual harassment so far but it's growing. IA are talking to everyone on the squad. They're talking to every female that ever worked with or around him. I asked them to let me talk to you," he took a break when he saw her shake her head. Him coming there to talk to her himself wouldn't look good to the IA. That would surely have made them suspicious.

"I haven't told them anything Amanda," Sam said when she finally looked at him again.  
"You coming here told them enough Sam and you know it," she tried to bite down the sickness that was luring down her throat. If that wasn't enough she felt tears burning behind her eyes. She looked away again, tried to find something peaceful to rest her eyes on but couldn't find a single thing that worked right now.

"He's going down Amanda. Another two women stepped forward this week. He won't be able to hide behind his dad this time. We can finally make him pay for what he," Sam stopped mid-sentence when she abruptly turned her head to him. She shook her head again.  
"Amanda I," again she cut him off.  
"No. No Sam. I don't need him to pay for whatever happen. It's in the past, I need it to be in the past," she tried to keep her voice from trembling.

"You can't keep it in the past any longer Amanda. IA wants to talk to you."  
"You can tell them you cleared me. You can bend the truth, it's not like you haven't done it before," she challenged him. She had to look away though when he held her eyes stern. She felt bad for trying to use that against him. She knew Sam always tried to do what was best for her and she'd been unfair to try and use that against him now. It was just that she felt so threaten she didn't know how to handle herself right now. Sam gave her time to collect herself.

"I know I handled the situation wrong back then Amanda. I feel guilty. For you. For the women that came after that I could've saved from him. I want to make it right," he said after a while.  
"Well I'm sorry but you have to live with it cause I'm not talking to anyone about whatever happen back then," she couldn't meet his eyes so she kept her head turned away from him.  
"He assaulted you. That's what happen back then Amanda," he kept talking even though she looked at him. She couldn't believe he just said that out loud. She looked around to see if anyone had overheard him.  
"He would have raped you if..." he got cut off as Amanda stood up so quickly her chair fell over. The waitress by the counter immediately looked over at them. Amanda got her jacket up of the floor and walked away from him towards the door. Sam hurried to get his wallet up, put a twenty on the table and hurried after her.

"Amanda?" he called after her as he got his jacket on. She was quick. Had managed to cross the street and headed into Central Park. He had to run to catch up to her. He tried to grab her arm to get her to stop.  
"Don't," her hand shot up in a defensive pose as she stopped and backed away from him. She didn't try and run away from him again though. He put his hands in his pockets in a way that made him look shameful but it could have been the chilly air.

"I'm sorry Amanda," he said quietly. Again she was unable to face him and she took a step to the side so she wouldn't have to face him straight on. She wanted to be anywhere but here right now. She shook her head as she wanted to pretend this wasn't happening. Not right now. Not when life where on track again.  
"I understand this isn't easy for you. And I'm sorry to have to spring this on you but I just couldn't let the IA approach you before I had the chance."  
"I know Sam. I really do know you come from a good place but I just can't do this right now," she said without looking at him.  
"There's never a right time to do this Amanda but you can't let him get away a second time."  
"I can't lose my job Sam. And we both know we can be in deep shit for not reporting it back then."

"I'll be in the shit Amanda. It was my job to report it when it came to my knowledge. I didn't do my job properly and I'll make damn sure they know that it was my wrong doing. They won't come after you, I'm sure of it. They're even looking into his father. This is going to hit the fan. If only half of the rumors are true he's going down hard. They're focusing on him, they won't come after the victims."  
"Don't call me that. I'm not a victim. I'll never be a victim," she looked briefly at him. He stayed quiet, wasn't sure how to proceed. She watched a young child all bundled up, not much older than Fay, run across the path they were on. Not long after a man, hopefully the child's father came chasing after. She thought of Fin. She couldn't bear the thought of him finding out.

"Will there be a trial?" she asked even though she knew the answer.  
"He's fighting the charges of course so most likely. But if there's enough of you, if you join forces against him, he might give up before hand," Sam tried to convince her. Tried to use the other women too, to make her feel obligated to stand up together with them. But she couldn't think about the other women right now. All she thought about was sitting in a courtroom telling everyone about what happen that night and all those slurs she had to put up with before that. It would most likely not just be news in Atlanta. Hall's father was a former chief of police. The news of his son being accused of assault and god knows what else would surely spread, might even reach NYPD if they caught wind one of them would witness against Hall. And her parents. They would surely know or someone would tell them. No she could not go through that. Sam could see doubt taking over. He didn't want to approach her so instead tried stepping around so he could look her in the eye.

"I will be there every step of the way Amanda," he said with as much sincerity as he could and he did mean it. He saw a slight tremble on her lower lip and he knew she was close to a breaking point.  
"I can't," she said quickly and turned: "I'm sorry," he heard as she walked away from him. Sam took a few steps after her but she jumped over a low rail and close to ran over the snow covered grass to get away from him. He knew it would be foolish to try and catch up to her.

Amanda felt winded once she finally reached a gate out of the park. She stepped to the side and put her back to the brick wall so she could catch her breath. The air was so cold it hurt as it went down her windpipe, she felt as though she was suffocating a little. She watched people walk by her and it seemed as though they looked at her weirdly. 'Get a grip Amanda' she told herself. When she was sure Sam wouldn't come running after her she made her way down the street. She got back to the station as fast as she could. Fin got up from his desk as he saw her come rushing in.

"Where did you go?" he asked and looked almost angry.  
"I had to meet someone," she said before she could think her answer over and she scolded herself silently because of course he would want to know who.  
"Who?" Fin obviously asked but Amanda ignored him.  
"Did you get anything in the interview?" she asked instead and picked up a letter that had arrived in her inbox. When Fin didn't answer she gave him a brief look. He had locked her down with a stern look as he tried to figure out what was going on. She'd left without saying a word to him and now she'd came in almost an hour later all flushed and out of breath.

"Did you? Get anything out of him?" she asked again and totally ignored the question hanging in the air.  
"Yeah. We got a name. I called you," he said and she knew he had called. Twice on her way to the station had she seen his name in the window but she hadn't picked up.  
"We need to go bring the new name in. Where were you?" Fin sounded a bit frustrated.  
"Why couldn't you take Nick and go?" Amanda asked as she put the letter back in her mailbox. It had only been an invitation to a seminar and she could deal with that later.

"What?" she asked once she met his eyes and he still had that stern look at her.  
"Cause he had to go down with some papers to Liv and Cragen at the courthouse," Fin said very slowly as to make an obvious point.

"Well okay let's go then," she said and started walking back out again. Fin was clueless and he hated it. He still followed though and they took his car over to the new witness address. They got the guy and brought him back to the station. Nick was back when they got back in. He informed them Liv and Cragen was still with Barba and would probably be so for the rest of the day. Amanda felt a sense of relief. She had been worried Sam had called Cragen about his visit but now she figured she'd made a bigger deal out of it then it was. This would blow over she thought to herself and went into the interview room with Fin to question the new witness. She managed to push everything to the side and focus on the case and the new witness. It looked like this new witness was more involved than they could have hoped for and Fin figured they should hold him for the night. Their shift was coming to a close and Nick said goodbye first. Amanda was putting down the final notes on the latest witness statement when Fin came back up from holding. She'd been able to push the meeting with Sam away but she felt it creeping up on her again. She started to feel anxious as was willing to do anything to make that feeling go away.

"Can we go home?" Amanda asked as he walked up to her desk. He had a look around to make sure no one was near.  
"My place?" he asked and she nodded. He gave her a nod and they headed out. They each took their own cars. Amanda called Nellie, the college student that picked Fay up from daycare and stayed with her until Amanda got home and told her she was running a little late. Fin drove down into his garage while Amanda parked outside his house. She beat him up there and was waiting impatiently by his door. She felt odd. Ambivalent. She both wanted to be there and not be there. Right now she just wanted him to get up there and let her inside. She felt exposed out there in the hallway.

"What took you so long?" she asked once she finally saw him coming round the corner further down the hall.  
"I helped mrs Johnson with her grocery. Why didn't you use your keys?" he said with his hands out as he walked towards her.  
"Cause I don't have them on me du'h," she said with a little more bite than she attended and it earned her a look as he was unlocking his door. He pushed the door open and held out his hand to let her inside.  
"Ms Impatient," he said but she ignored him and stepped inside.

"You want something to drink?" he asked.  
"No, get in here," she said and hurried into his bedroom. Usually he was the one in a hurry but he wouldn't complain. When he got in there he found she'd already gotten her boots off and she was just pulling her shirt over her head.

"So where were you earlier today?" he asked as he kicked his shoes off by the door.  
"Okay if you want to talk I'll get out of here and call you later," she said as she turned to him and she sounded annoyed. He gave her a look.  
"I need to get home to Fay. So I'm just saying if you're not up for this," she gestured to the bed.  
"Okay what's up with you today?" Fin said and looked at her seriously.  
"Okay I'm out of here," she said and picked up her shirt that she'd dropped by her feet. Fin grabbed a hold of her as she tried to pass him.

"Calm down," he said and rubbed his hand up and down her arm. He watched her take a deep breath.  
"Don't go," he said with a lower voice, "You know I'm up for it." He mimicked her earlier use of the words and he winked at her.  
"Then show me," she said, dropped her shirt and started working on his belt. He got a wicked smile on his face.  
"Down girl," he joked. He let his hands run down her arms and he got to her belt.

They were usually quick. Not much for foreplay and today was no different. He picked up on something in her behavior though that seemed off. He'd seen her eager and overly excited but today it didn't seem genuine, she felt fake but he couldn't quite put his finger on why he felt this way. It was out of his character to overanalyze and usually his strong desire for her made him think only of ravaging her as quickly as possible. Today though once they gotten each other's clothes off and fell down on the bed both breathing heavily he just felt like he needed to handle her with care. But what he thought she needed would turn out to be nothing what she asked for.

"Pin me down," she panted close to his ear. Fin hesitated but then she told him again and he grabbed her wrists and pushed them down into the bed. First just loosely but then harder as she asked for it. He was used to being the one in charge in bed but it was nice to change it up sometimes. All the mixed emotions in the room didn't stop him from pushing himself inside her and when she asked him for harder he wasn't late to obey. All that worry about comfort and her being fragile was swept away as she asked for even harder and he got lost in frenzy. He came too soon but didn't forget about her.

He was still out of breath as he put his hand to her. He put his free arm around her, used his body to hold her down and his legs to spread hers open. Her usual way was to try and escape as she came near orgasm. It was like she felt overwhelmed and she could lunge out at him when she was coming close. Though her body was weak at that point, her fists didn't do much harm and her tries would mostly just egg him on even more. He'd come across this behavior in the past so it didn't feel strange to him. In the beginning though he'd been careful just to make sure it was what she really wanted. He'd been with one woman who never wanted to climax, that he had thought odd but accepted it. By now though he knew Amanda wanted to come and tonight she seemed to need it badly. Her nails were digging into his back. Her mouth was right by his ear and he heard her panting harder and harder. He moved his hand over her, inside of her and coordinated his speed to the sound of her voice. She needed extra work tonight and he started to wonder what he was doing wrong when he finally heard that familiar sound of her losing her breath.

He knew she was close and when he felt her use her feet to the bed to try and push herself up and away from him he held her down even harder. Her hands dug into the sheet. She took a deep breath and arched her back underneath him. The familiar low pleasure filled groan that came up her throat made him feel good. He worked her hard and not long after he felt her whole body explode in compulsions. He kept working her but eased up on the restraints so she'd have room to react. She was panting heavily and then bit down into his shoulder, just hard enough for both of them. She lasted for several minutes which told him she must have been carrying a lot that needed to be released tonight. He removed his hand and let it caress her stomach gently as he rolled off her slightly. He felt the scar underneath his fingertips and traced it. He kissed her neck and worked his way up to her mouth. Her eyes were still shut but he could see on her eyelashes that they were damp as though she had tears in her eyes. Her breathing was still coming down and he let her have her mouth back so she would get enough air.

"You okay?" he whispered as he kissed her temple and felt the taste of salt in his mouth. Tears often escaped her eyes during sex so it didn't set him off that much but it was just that he now remembered how tonight's exercise had started. She was quick to nod but kept her eyes closed. He rolled off her completely and let his hand move up over her breast. He caressed it slowly but then she rolled towards him, pulled her arms in front of her chest and buried her face by his neck. He figured it might have something to do with how she still wasn't that comfortable about exposing her scars to him. He laid his head down on the bed, pulled her in closer and let his palm rest against her bare back as he felt her breathing slow down further.

"You sure you're okay?" he asked again after a while. There was a pause but then he felt her nod against him. He let his hand go up and down her back. He liked the feel of her soft skin under his fingertips and at the same time he could make sure her body was relaxed. He felt her featherkiss his collarbone.  
"I need to get home to Fay," he heard her whisper and she started to move herself down to the edge of the bed. She kept her hands over her chest which to him looked a bit protective but again it could have something to do with her scars and the exposure. He felt like saying he wished she could stay a while but he knew it wasn't the type of relationship they had nor that it was fair to make her perhaps feel guilty because she had to go home to their daughter. He watched as she got her clothes back on in the order she found them on the floor. He noticed she never really turned her head fully towards him. He got bits and pieces but never the entire face.

"Call me later?" he suggested.  
"I… Maybe," she seemed to have been going somewhere but then changed her mind and settled with a maybe.  
"Say hi to Fay from me," he said as he stretched out a bit on the bed.  
"I will. Bye," she got out of his bedroom rather quickly. There was certainly something going on with her and he kept wondering if it had something to do with her absents earlier today.

She felt oddly blank as she walked out of his apartment. After today's visit she'd been in need of a distraction. Something that took her mind of the nagging worry Sam wouldn't drop the subject so easily. Their new case had forced her to keep focus for the rest of the day but as the shift ended she feared going home alone, not diminishing Fay but she'd felt in need of some Fin therapy. He'd been easily persuaded just as usual. The ambivalence as she waited for him in the hallway felt weird though. She'd felt unsure what she wanted and then moved on to just wanting to get it out of the way. Not usually what she felt when she was with Fin. And then he'd suddenly wanted to talk. When did he ever want to talk? She had taken charge to get him going but also to feel like she had control. She'd felt a need to just get dominated and she'd asked him to pin her down and to go harder. It felt okay since she still felt like she was the one in control as she asked for it.

But there was a nagging worry down deep that told her she wanted to lose control. She wanted him, wanted Fin, to hurt her and it was such a shameful feeling. What type of woman wanted to get hurt? Only bad women right. Women who flirted with co-workers, who flaunted themselves to their supervisors. She pushed that last voice out of her head since it wasn't her own. It had felt good having Fin pound her up to the point of pain and then the release he gave her. It had truly felt like a vent opening. She'd needed that. But then as it was over that worry down deep had crept back up. She knew it was Fin's hand on her stomach and then over her breast. But it had felt like someone else's hand and it scared her. She couldn't let that man come in-between the two of them. She'd turned, looked for shelter next to him, smell him. She was safe with him. Nothing or no one would dare change that.

Thoughts took over and she knew she needed a new distracter. She needed to get home to her daughter. She'd tried to get out of there as fast as possible. During the drive home she blasted the latest Rihanna cd in the car stereo and tried to focus on the music and the traffic outside. It felt good once she finally drove down into her garage. The familiar grey walls in the garage, the familiar elevator upstairs and the familiar walk up to her door. It felt good to put the keys in the door and then the sound of someone waiting inside. It didn't take long until her daughter came tumbling over the floor to greet her. Mama was still the only clear word she spoke but it was the only one Amanda needed right now. She picked up her daughter in her arms and hugged her silly.

"My sweet Fay Fay. How was your day today?" she smiled as she let go of the child a little so she could see her face. Fay nodded with the biggest, brightest smile Amanda knew. Fay put her lips on her mama's and then squeezed her neck again. Amanda stroked her daughter's hair as she went inside.  
"Hi Nellie, so sorry I had to keep you," Amanda said as she spotted her lifesaver on her living room floor surrounded by paper and crayons and what else.  
"No problem Amanda, we've been drawing," Nellie said with a smile and held out her hands to the art scattered around the floor. Amanda nodded with a smile.  
"I can see that," she said as she sat down. Fay sneaked down back on the floor and picked up a crayon.

"Pick up went well?" Amanda asked as she looked at the colorful papers and Nellie nodded.  
"No problem. They had pasta and meatballs for lunch. They'd been to the park. She climbed that play set in the park again, you know the one with the big slide. They caught her in time though," Nellie briefed Amanda about the day as she usually did. Fay was their breakout queen and she'd started climbing a lot just this past month or two. It wasn't really a problem, Amanda was happy she was advanced and didn't seem scared of heights and obstacles, but it could be dangerous. Amanda had talked to the personnel at daycare about this and they'd suggested perhaps enrolling Fay in some gymnastics or something that got her extra energy out.

"So pickup as usual tomorrow?" Nellie asked as she got up off the floor.  
"Yes. And I'll do my best to be home in time," Amanda said apologetic.  
"There's really no problem Amanda. She's truly the most adorable kid I've ever taken care of," Nellie said with a sincere smile on her face. Amanda had struck gold when she found Nellie. She lived just down the street. Amanda had talked to her parents who seemed just as nice, and Fin could vouch that the entire family was clean. He had checked their records.

"Fay, come say good night to Nellie," Amanda called out and it didn't take long until Fay came strolling. She managed to grab Nellie around her leg before she could hunch down all the way. It sounded like Fay said something like good night but who could really tell.  
"Bye precious, I'll see you tomorrow okay. You sleep well tonight you hear," Nellie said and ruffed up her hair.  
"Thanks Nellie, see you tomorrow," Amanda said as Fay tumbled by and Nellie turned to the door. Nellie shot her one last smile and then she was out the door. Amanda put the chain on the door, made sure it was securely done and then walked back inside. She found Fay down by all the crayons and papers again.

"What you drawing there kid," she asked and sat back down. Fay got up and went over to sit in her mom's lap instead. Amanda grabbed a crayon and drew a stick figure on a paper. Fay giggled at it and then attempted to draw clothes on it. At least Amanda thought so but Fay could just have found it very ugly and was trying to cover it up with color.  
"Hey look at this," Amanda said and put down her hand on a new piece of paper. She traced her hand with the crayon and then lifted her hand. Fay picked up the paper and had a closer look at it. She turned to her mom and said something.  
"Yes, I think so too," Amanda smiled. Fay put up her own hand against her mother's drawn one.  
"Let's do one of yours," Amanda said and found a piece of paper with just some doodling in the corner on it. She had to help Fay hold her hand down and then hurried to trace it before she moved it.  
"Ah look at the two of us," Amanda said and put the hands next to each other.  
"Let's put our names down okay," Amanda grabbed a black crayon and texted their names near their hands and then the dates.  
"Okay this is refrigerator art for sure," she smiled and kissed her daughter's head. They kept drawing for a while but then she knew she had to fix some food even if she wasn't hungry at all. Fay had already eaten with Nellie so she would be dining alone which wasn't that tempting either.

"I'm going to fix me some dinner okay. Something yummy for my tummy," she said and got off the floor.  
"Num num," her daughter said and Amanda nodded.  
"Yes num num yummy," she smiled as her daughter looked up at her.  
"I'll be in the kitchen okay," she waved as she walked over into the kitchen. That was the good thing about having a small apartment, she could basically have eyes on the kid wherever she was. But she figured she needed to get a new place soon so they could have separate bedrooms. She'd read it was important for the kid's independence and even though Fay had never shown any signs of separation anxiety from her mom Amanda knew it was time. It just felt as such a huge project. But maybe now it was time for a change in their life.

She made herself a light dinner that she ate on her bed as she watched Fay play with her large collection of stuffed unicorns. She got to pretend feed one of them. After dinner they took a bubble bath together and then it was bedtime. The usual procedure was a bedtime story in Amanda's bed. Fay loved stories. It was basically the only thing that could keep her still. Sure she loved drawing but she sorta drew with her entire body so she wasn't really still then either. They had gone through every book her age group now and moved on to stories more suitable to older kids according to the labels. Amanda did pg them though, changed some words and changed the story at times. But Fay loved the colorful drawings and seemed to be able to point out various animals and people in the images as Amanda asked her to. This particular night they read a story about a boy who found a dragon that he brought home. Fay had her blanket twisted around her hand and thumb in her mouth where she laid tucked up to her mother.

"So you see the dragon? Can you point the dragon out?" she asked and Fay put her free hand spot on the dragon.  
"Good girl. A green dragon. The green dragon named Theodore," Amanda tried some advanced learning as she read. It could never hurt she figured. Fay said something with her thumb still in place but even without it Amanda could probably not understand her.  
"Yes Theodore," she still said and just hoped she was right.

Fay soon snoozed on her mother's arm and Amanda carefully carried her over to her crib. She still slept in her crib but Fin had helped her remove one side of it since Fay now climbed over everything. She let the lamp on the bed stand stay on and then tip toed out of there. She put the TV on to drown out some of the silence, made herself a cup of hot tea and then sat down on the coach. She couldn't find anything to watch and ended up watching a rerun of a basketball game. She finished her tea and then snuggled up with a pillow. She tried focusing on the game but her head kept on spinning. She started worrying about what Sam was thinking and what he would say to internal affairs. She decided it was no point and turned the TV off. She went around the apartment and turned off all the lights. She brushed her teeth out in the bedroom so she could watch her daughter sleep at the same time. This precious little thing that made her every day worth living.

She told herself everything would work out fine. Tomorrow things would be back to normal. She managed to dive into the book her book circle was reading right now. She'd just started attending again this year after a two years absence because of the shooting and then the pregnancy. She'd been able to bring Fay and it had gone rather well. Amanda had kept her busy on the floor by her feet with paper and crayons. She'd gotten a bit fussy after the break, wanting to be in her mother's arms but not been able to relax there. The second time had gone better though since Fay had basically slept through the whole thing. Amanda would see how it played out, she didn't really want to spend any more time away from her daughter than she already did. She had to choose what extracurricular was most important to her. Book circle or Fin. The choice was rather obvious to her. Amanda finished the book and then managed to fall to sleep before any worrying thoughts crept back inside her head.

**The next morning** started like any other. Her alarm clock woke her up. She stroked her daughter's back a little to get her to start to wake up. The kid was like her father, a slow starter. Amanda did her business in the bathroom meanwhile and as she got out most of the time Fay had made her way over to her mother's bed to get a cuddle before the day had to start. Today though she'd only managed to crawl half way there and was scattered on the floor with her blanky attached to her hand. Amanda chuckled as she bent down by her side.

"Fay Fay," she whispered as she again stroked her back gently. The little creature stirred and soon came climbing up into her mother's arms.  
"Good morning Fay Fay to this chilly February morning in New York city," it was her usual morning great. She'd checked the temperature outside and it was even a little chillier today than yesterday. She headed to the bathroom with Fay to give her a quick shower and get her into a fresh diaper. Amanda then fixed them breakfast and as she heard her daughter hum at the table she knew she was waking up properly. By the time breakfast was on the table Fay was singing some song only she knew and Amanda touched her cheek in a loving way.

"My ray of sunshine all year around," she smiled at her. She had to help her daughter finish breakfast and then they went back to the bathroom to brush their teeth with the latest toothbrush Fay's grandmother had sent. As they were in there Amanda's phone rang and put her daughter on the floor with her toothbrush so she could fetch her phone in the bedroom. She saw Fin's name in the window and answered as she headed back into the bathroom to keep on with the task at hand.

"Morning," Amanda answered as she hunched down by her daughter's side.  
"Yeah. Whatcha doin?" he asked, sounding tired as usual at this time of morning.  
"Hold on," she said and touched the screen a few times. She held up the phone to her daughter and said: "Smile." Amanda chuckled as she touched the screen. She hit 'share' and then sent the photo to Fin's phone. She put the phone back to her ear and put the toothbrush back in her daughter's mouth. She heard Fin check his phone and once she heard the chuckle she knew he'd gotten it.

"That's a jaw of well brushed teeth," he said and sounded more awake than a few seconds ago.  
"They certainly are," she said as she made a face to her daughter. Fay giggled and then Amanda helped her up on the toilet bowl so she could spit out whatever of the paste that hadn't gone down her daughter's stomach already.  
"What's up?" Amanda asked meanwhile.  
"Janos came home last night apparently," he was a suspect in the case they were working right now.  
"Yeah?"  
"Yepp. Late so he's hopefully soundly asleep in his bed right now. You wanna bring him in?" Fin asked.  
"Sure. We're almost ready here so give me…" she got interrupted.  
"I can come pick you up. Say hi to Fay," Fin suggested. He hadn't seen the little rugrat for a couple of days now because of the snowstorm.  
"Sure. Outside the daycare then? In twenty?"  
"See you there," he'd hung up before she could say anything more.

"Yay Fin is coming," Amanda sung to her daughter who recognized his name and got some extra spark to her eyes.  
"How's the mouth? Need to flush more?" Amanda asked and opened her mouth to her daughter. That only made Fay copy her and soon they were both sticking their tongues out at each other. Amanda laughed and carried her daughter out of there.

"Okay, let's get dressed and go meet Fin then," she said and got the two over to the door. It took a while to get Fay dressed and then of course Amanda had to make at least two rounds back inside, first to get her phone that she left in the bathroom and then to get Fay's blanket. Fay needed the blanket at naptime so they stuck it down her backpack and then got going. All bundled up it took a little longer to walk even the three short blocks so Amanda got the simple buggy out from underneath the stairs at the ground floor and hope the snow would be off the sidewalks by now. Fay of course didn't want to start in the buggy though but wanted to help open the door and then get down the stone stairs all on her own. Amanda patiently waited as her daughter made it down the stairs and then it was the usual check for any dog walkers.

Fay loved animals and wanted to pet every dog she came across. No dogs in sight this morning though and they could start heading down the street. Even though Fay was very independent and wanted to do things on her own she also loved being carried around. And she often got bothered by big, and in her eyes, unnecessary clothes that hinder her movement so soon she let Amanda pick her up. She did not want to sit in the buggy though and Amanda didn't have the time or wanted to fight that battle this morning. She spotted Fin's car as they got around the corner and then she saw Fin himself leaned against the fence to the daycare center.

"Who's that?" Amanda asked her daughter and got her to look forward. It took a while but then she spotted him and let out some kind of happy sound. Amanda put her down and chuckled as she saw how she tried to sprint but with the overalls it didn't go that well. Fin had spotted them and took a few steps out on the curb. Fay made her way over to him in a slow but steady pace. Amanda wasn't far behind and she felt a thug in her heart as she saw how Fin's face brighten with every step his daughter took towards him. Fin had squatted down and held out his hands as she was getting close.

"Common, you can do it. You go girl," he said encouraging and it didn't take too long until the ecstatic girl threw herself in his extended arms. Fin got up with the girl in his arms and Amanda chuckled as the two gave each other knuckles. Fin then extended his hand and just very endearing touched Amanda's cheek. It wasn't often he touched her in public, more than the usual friendly pat on the shoulder that is. But every little thing like that made Amanda's heart skip a beat. They both took her inside and Fin got her out of all the clothes while Amanda parked the buggy by the door. She hung Fay's backpack at her spot at the rack and then followed Fin and Fay inside. They were greeted by the supervisor of the daycare center and then the one in charge of the group Fay belonged too came walking into the room and said morning too.

Amanda wondered sometimes what they all thought about her and Fin since he came with them from time to time. Everyone there knew Fay's father wasn't in the picture and it wasn't such a big deal these days. But to Amanda it was so obvious Fin was Fay's father, they had some similar facial expressions. And then there was the afro that gave away Amanda had copulated with someone of another race. So Amanda wondered sometimes if they'd talked about that during their coffee breaks and all. But she always ended up with the notion they probably had more interesting or important things to think about. Fay didn't want to let go of Fin's hand first so he followed her further in.

"Blanky's in her backpack," Amanda informed Fay's teacher while Fin got Fay situated at a table where some other kids were playing with legos. She was soon distracted by putting pieces together so Fin kissed her on her head and walked back to Amanda and the teacher.  
"You or Nellie picking her up later on?" the teacher asked.  
"Most probably Nellie," Amanda informed her and then they said their goodbyes.

They jumped in the car, Fin drove back over into Manhattan and then into Harlem where Janos lived. Fin had gotten a patrol car to escort them in case they ran into trouble and it was already waiting for them a block away as they got there. They drove up to his building but didn't even get half way up the walkway when one of the officers called out 'runner'. The officer started running around the house and Amanda was fast on his trail. Fin felt like calling Amanda back but knew he had to let her run her course. Fin turned back to the car instead. The other officer was faster to get back to the patrol car and took off before Fin. Fin speeded up to him quickly though once he got behind the wheel. They've heard the officer shout out over the radio that the suspect was going down an alley. Soon though they heard shots ring out and Fin got a knot in his stomach. Two shots rang quickly after one and another and then a third.

He could only listen in as the officer in the other car called for a status report over the intercom. First nothing but then the static just before someone spoke. It was the other officer. He let his partner, and Fin, know the suspect had fired twice and that he had answered with a single shot. The officer told them he was graced by one of the bullets, no need for a bus though and that detective Rollins had continued the chase on her own.

"Shot," Fin growled as he heard the officer give his location so his partner could pick him up. He knew she had to do it but he didn't have to be happy about it. Fin drove straight as the officer took a right. He took the next right and speeded down the street. This was a rough neighborhood and it was still sleeping at this early hour. Fin heard another shot and aimed for it. He passed a few people who still walked around as nothing had happen all though four shots had been fired now. He used his intercom to contact the patrol car and asked if they saw anything. 'That's a negative' came the answer and Fin squeezed the wheel a little tighter. Then his phone rang, he saw Amanda's name in the window and answered immediately.

"Yeah?" he asked with worry in his voice.  
"I lost him," she panted on the other side of the phone.  
"Okay. Are you safe?" he had eased up on the gas and almost came to a stop by the side of the road.  
"I'm fine, not sure where I am though," she was still out of breath.

"Find a road sign, I'll let the officers know while you find one," he got the officer over the intercom and they decided they would head to the hospital to check out his partner's wound as Fin stayed to locate Amanda. Janos would have a warrant out for his arrest very soon, he was clearly running from something. Amanda finally found a road sign and it didn't take long until Fin drove up. She seemed to have caught her breath by now but still looked pleased when she could finally sit down in the passenger seat.

"You okay?" Fin asked as he noticed blood on her hand. She turned her palm up and he could see a cut.  
"Yeah I just had to dive down that last time he fired and I grabbed the rim of this barrel," she explained. Fin leaned back and got the first aid kit out from underneath his seat.  
"I'm fine really," she said. He still got an antiseptic towel up and handed it to her. She sighed and wiped it over her hand. It was still bleeding and he grabbed her hand to have a closer look.  
"I'm fine Mr Nurse, stop fuzzing," she said and pulled her hand back.

"You sure you don't want to go to the hospital. Might need stitches," he said but she shook him off.  
"No more stitches," she smiled: "Just give me something so I don't stain your car." He handed her some dry wipes and then helped her get some tape around her entire hand to hold them in place.  
"That'll work," she smiled and helped him put away the first aid kit. They drove back to the station under mostly silence. At one point he reached over and touched her cheek again just like he'd done this morning. Twice in one day. She wondered what she'd done to deserve that but didn't say anything as she liked it. They were small talking as they got up to their floor at the station and Nick and Liv greeted them once they stepped inside the gates.

"Already got shot at I heard," Nick joked.  
"Well you know some of us are out there doing the dirty work clean boy," Fin shot back as he headed over to his desk. He did a whip motion in the air though so Nick knew he was joking.

"Amanda?" She heard her name got called out and immediately looked up towards her captain's office as she recognized the voice. She felt a chill though as she saw the back of the guest in his office. She knew who that was. Captain waved her over with his hand. His face looked stern as it did when he was troubled. Her feet felt planted but she knew she had to go in there. She felt Nick's eyes follow her as she slowly went over there. It felt like she was being called to the principal office in school. Dreadful. Fin had missed her being called over as he hung up his jacket and got his computer started but he saw her walk over there. Fin turned his eyes to Nick who'd gone from watching Amanda to now watching Fin.

"What's up?" Fin asked.  
"Her former captain is in there," Nick informed him. Sam and Cragen had already been in his office once Nick and Liv got in this morning. Liv was a little curious about whoever it was Cragen had in his office and Nick had been able to inform her since he'd run into Sam at the pub two years ago. They were both curious though what he was doing here now.

Amanda dragged her feet over to Cragen's office. Her head was racing but nothing solid formed as she tried to think of what she should say, how to get out of this situation. Cragen let her pass and then closed the door behind them. Amanda walked up to the chair next to Sam but didn't have a seat and didn't look at him. Cragen went around his desk and asked her to sit down. She remained standing though but Cragen asked her again and then they both sat down. Amanda hadn't even had time to get her jacket off which now felt good because it felt a bit like the padded jacket gave her some protection to what she knew was coming. She could see Sam turning towards her over on his chair and she braced herself.

"I called Don yesterday after we'd talked. We had dinner last night and I told him about the charges that have been made against deputy chief Shane Hall of Atlanta PD," she could tell his voice was strained. She held her head straight forward and even though she didn't look completely at her present captain she could see his eyes shifting from her to Sam and then back on her again. She tried her best to keep a straight face.

"I told Don that IA wants to talk to you but when we spoke yesterday you didn't seem that keen to do so." Amanda felt like giving him a 'ha' but instead took a deep breath. Out of the corner of her eye she could see Sam move out even further on his chair.  
"Amanda, I…" he was hesitating and she turned her head to him.  
"You what?" she said with an icy voice. He looked at her with such sadness in those kind blue eyes she almost had to look away but she managed to hold her stare. She knew she had to somehow scare him out of here, make him stop talking until he'd said too much if he hadn't already.

"What I didn't have time to tell you yesterday was that I'm sitting down with IA tomorrow for my disposition. I wanted to talk to you before that. Make sure you were okay with me…" again he hesitating.  
"With you what?" she said with a raised voice as she stood up cause she felt the need to get some more distance to him. Cragen immediately stood up but still didn't say anything.  
"You finally doing your job captain?" she wasn't sure where that came from but it felt honest. Like she somewhere in the back held him a little bit responsible for what had happen. It seemed to have hit just right cause he looked hurt.

"Well I'm sorry about that," she couldn't stop her voice from going higher: "I'm not going back there. I moved on. I'm sorry if you haven't been able to. You can say whatever you feel like saying but I ain't talking to them. I have nothing to say." She could see Cragen coming around the desk and it made her feel panicky. She backed up towards the door and when Cragen took yet another step towards her she rushed out. She didn't look at anyone just rushed through the squad room and out the gates. Cragen walked after her all the way to his door. The detectives out there had heard Amanda's raised voice and couldn't help throwing curios looks at the commotion. Fin had gotten up off his chair and taken a few steps into the middle of the room. Cragen looked over at him and gave him a gesture with his head as to tell him to go after Amanda. Fin hurried back to get his jacket and then made his way out the gate as fast as he could.

"Okay back to work. Nothing to see here," Cragen told the others as he walked back inside. Nick and Liv gave each other a stare before they looked back down as told.

Fin could see the elevator was still there so Amanda must have taken the stairs. As he got into the staircase he heard the door at the bottom open. He yelled out her name but it only echoed against the walls. He hustled down the stairs as fast as he'd moved in a long time. He got out into the busy reception desk area and hurried outside. He thankfully spotted her across the parking lot and took two steps at the time down the stairs. Whenever he had to run he usually growled a bit but right now all he wanted was to catch up to her.

"Hey Amanda," he tried calling after her but she just kept walking.  
"Okay where are you going?" he asked once he caught up to her.  
"I don't know," she said and didn't sound at all as winded as Fin did.

"Okay then let's take my car there," he suggested. She kept her head forward which made it hard for him to analyze her, what state she was in.  
"Don't want to take your car," she simply said.  
"Okay then let's just stop and talk," he suggested next.  
"Don't want to talk," again a simple and direct answer.  
"Okay, then I guess we're walking then," he said with evident disappointment and just followed her.

For twenty minutes they just walked. Fin kept an eye on his wrist watch. She kept taking the easy route, never having to stop for a red light and she avoided crowds. She seemed to hold it together though. She took one wrong turn and ended up in a dead end. She was forced to turn and Fin tried his best to catch her eyes. Even stepping in front of her but she just maneuvered around him and kept going. Another ten minutes went by and Fin was getting too warm for his comfort but he wouldn't interfere. He would just be there once she finally stopped. Hoping she would let him in, tell him what was going on because he couldn't figure it out. Her raising her voice in front of the captain was very unusual. He knew she respected him highly even before he helped her through and past those gambling issues. And her former captain had been in there too.

He didn't know who she'd raised her voice to. All he'd heard was something with 'I'm sorry' and 'I have nothing to say'. He couldn't for his life figure out what that could be about. But she was clearly agitated. Upset. So half an hour later they'd reached some building area and again Amanda hit a dead end. Again Fin tried to catch her eye by stepping in front of her as she had to face him. Last time her face had look freakish blank but now he thought he saw a crack in her tuff demeanor and he followed her once she tried to walk around him and they ended up face to face yet again. She seemed bothered by him but not to the point 'I'll shoot you if you get in my way'. A third side-step and he followed. She seemed to give up in a way and threw out her hands in the air.

"What do you want Fin?" she asked but avoided looking straight at him.  
"I want you to tell me what's going on," he said sincerely.  
"There's nothing to tell Fin," she said as she crossed her arms in front of her in that typical defensive pose most people who felt threaten ended up in.  
"I think there is," he simply said. She shook her head but he still waited for an answer.

"Talk to me Amanda," he said as he'd given her enough time to speak. She suddenly looked up at him and he could see some sparks behind her eyes.  
"Now you wanna talk?" she spat out and he could tell he'd sparked something buried deep inside her.  
"So now you want to talk? About what Fin? Life's mysteries? How to best fuck your partner in secret? Hey maybe we can invite Nick into this, maybe he'd like to get some pointers from you? We could all just talk about it," she over pronounced 'talk'. She'd uncrossed her arms and was gesturing wildly with them. In a way he understood where she came from but he was flabbergasted that this came right now. When she had to catch her breath Fin took his chance to step into this conversation.

"What's this about Amanda?" he asked hoping she would be able to sort it out for him. Clearly whatever had upset her in the captain's office was bringing up a lot of emotions deep buried.  
"What this is about? Really Fin?" she shouted out, took a step to him and put her palms to his chest and shoved him. He took a step backwards not so much by the actual impact but by the emotional impact her words had at him.  
"You don't want to know what this is about," she kept shouting. Fury and sadness playing all over her face as she did.

"God forbid we would have a meaningful talk Fin. Like you would want me to share something. Something…" she trailed of as he saw her eyes watering but she shook it off just as quick and continued: "No why spoil something shallow and impersonal? Why risk it? Why not just fuck it out like we usually do? Yeah you wanna do that Fin? Well let's go hide somewhere then so we can fuck it out." Her words were hurtful but he took them, he knew there was some truth behind them but most of all he knew she trusted him enough to air these feelings. He listen to every single word she shouted because he knew they were important. He could see the fury was draining her out.

"You don't wanna know anything Fin. Believe me you wouldn't want to know who I am. You wouldn't like me at all." And there it was he thought. He could handle the anger, the blame she'd been spewing because he knew she spoke the truth. He could handle aggression as a defense mechanism. He couldn't handle this though. The self-hatred, the warped self-image that someone, somewhere in her past had given her. It roared its ugly head from time to time, she hid it well but he could see the cracks even if she thought he didn't. He was just too weak to handle it head on and took the easy route around it. He'd figured her week dad, her cold mom and growing up with a sister with mental issues had some part of it but that had probably also given her the strength he also knew she carried. He had to fend for himself growing up and they were alike that way. He could see himself in her. So whatever it was that had tried to beat her down along the way had made itself known again and Fin figured the visit from her former captain must be linked to it.

"Just stick to what you know Fin. Let's just stay with what we do best. Like all people do best. Screw each other," her voice was fading fast and he could see her face crumbling. She took a deep breath and he heard the air getting caught in her throat. He looked around quickly and saw a couple of duckboards a few yards away. He gently grabbed her wanting to lead her over there to have a seat. She tried to shake him off but she was too weak at this point to fight him off and let herself be led over. They sat down side to side and it didn't take long until she cracked. She bent over as she felt the tears come, wanting to hide them from him. He pulled her to him and she didn't fight him. Her head landed in his lap and he stroke her coat covered back as he felt the silent sobs take over her body.

He hadn't thought much about if anyone else was around while she screamed at him but now he noticed that they weren't alone. Some contractors were working not far from them. He didn't care if they'd overheard them. His number one priority right now was her wellbeing. They sat there for quite some time. Her body overtaken by so much bottled-up sadness he was afraid she'd gone down the rabbit hole for good. But the sobs ebbed out finally. She stayed down for a while longer but then she sat up and he let her go. She kept her head turned away from him and he tried not to stare at her. He kept throwing worried looks her way though but she seemed to collect herself well. When she finally was able to face him she slowly turned her head towards him. Her eyes were hidden behind her bangs, all he saw was her still wet eyelashes.

"I'm sorry," she whispered when she finally managed to briefly peek up at him. He shook his head.  
"You don't have to apologize," he told her.  
"Yes I do. I'm dealing with something that has nothing to do with you and it was wrong of me to attack you."

Her apology meant a lot to him but he still knew that even though it had been aired at the wrong time she'd spoken what she truly felt inside. Like always they had lousy timing. He'd been asking, wanting more of their relationship when she lay lifeless in the hospital bed after the shooting. He'd thought he'd get his time to tell her but he waited for her to recover, gain her strength. And then they found themselves pregnant and that got in their way. No, in his way. It scared him. Made it all too real and he'd backed up to a secure place. And now here they were finally airing some truths between them and then this, to him still unknown, thing was between them.

"You want to tell me what it's about?" he asked and hoped the honesty between them would hold. But it didn't as she shook her head. He felt like asking again, like begging but he didn't.  
"What time is it?" she asked after a silent pause between them. He checked his watch and told her. She wiped her face and tried to shake the last of her emotions off.  
"I should head back. He might not have left for the airport yet. I think I have to talk to him before he leaves," she said.

Fin didn't feel like letting her go just yet but he knew he had to. He put his hand gently on the back of her arm as they stood up. Amanda seemed uncomfortable with the stares of the contractors on the site as they walked out but Fin just stared back at them. Fin flagged down a cab once they got back out on the street and soon they were riding back to the station again. She was looking out the window the whole time but he saw her hand just resting against the seat. He felt like grabbing it. Wanted to hold her. Kiss the palm of her hand like he did sometimes after they made love or when she lay lifeless in a hospital bed. Why was it so hard for him to step up to the plate? He felt like such a coward. If he waited for the right moment it would never come. But it didn't feel right to change any conditions of their relationship right now as something else was bothering her. But he had clearly heard her, she did find a part of their relationship straining. It had been so simple to begin with. And then the shooting and Faith came along. The bad and then the really good. But it did make it complicated. No point denying it.

He didn't get to finish his trail of thoughts because they had reached the station. Fin paid the cabdriver and then caught up to Amanda who'd taken a few steps towards the building. She seemed very nervous but held herself up. From her face you couldn't tell she'd been crying not long ago. All he dared to do was just slightly hold his hand behind her back as they walked up the stairs to the station. While inside he let her have her space. He gave her a smile as they rode up the elevator but her face remained stiff. He took the lead into the squad room so she wouldn't have to. Nick saw them first and curiously looked Amanda over. She was scanning the room for her former captain though, didn't see him in Cragen's office but then found him next door in the interview room. Fin followed her half way there since it was on his way to his desk. Liv looked up from her desk as well but Amanda kept her head straight forward. Fin wanted to go with her into the room but knew he couldn't and remained by his desk as he saw her enter.

Sam looked up from the laptop he was working on as she open the door. She looked at him briefly before she turned to close the door behind her. She took a deep breath before she turned around to face him.  
"I'm sorry," she said and tried to sound braver than she felt. Sam had turned the screen down on his laptop and he gave her his full attention.  
"You have nothing to apologize for Amanda," he said and looked like he meant it. It was the second time she heard it in today though and the second time she felt the one who said it were wrong.

"Yes I do. I shouldn't have raised my voice at you," she took a few steps towards him. Even though Amanda hadn't seen her captain he had been in his office and when he heard the door open to the room next door he approached the window. He was looking at the two from the other side of the mirror. He knew he was eavesdropping, that he probably should turn the sound off but he felt too invested in solving this he told himself it was for Amanda's best that he listen in. Sam had caught him by surprise yesterday when he called and told Don that he was in the city. Sam had asked if he had time to see him and Don knew him well enough to hear the seriousness in his voice. Don had been caught at the ADA's office so they decided to have dinner later on.

Don and Sam went back a long time and consider each other friends. If anyone else had called and recommended a young detective from outer state to one of NYPD's toughest divisions Don might not even had taken the call. But it had been Sam and Don trusted his judgment. Amanda had been everything and more then what Sam had told him. They had small talked while they ate, been nostalgic about shared past history but Don had spotted Sam was bothered by something. Don had no idea it was about Amanda though. As the coffee was being served Sam had started talking. Don could tell Sam had a heavy heart. He'd confessed to a wrongdoing in the past without letting Don know exactly what it was he'd done. He told Don that a couple of women had stepped forward and accused a deputy chief in Atlanta of sexual harassment. Internal affairs were investigating. They wanted to talk to Amanda.

Don had asked Sam if she would have something to add to the criminal offense and Sam had told him she did. Sam told Don he'd tried to talk to Amanda earlier but it didn't go that well. He asked if they could sit down together. Sam needed to make amends for not sticking up for her in the past. Don felt torn. He held his old friend in high regards and it was hard to see him fall out of grace. They decided to meet up early next morning. The meeting with Amanda hadn't gone well though. Don had tried to keep up appearance but he'd felt nervous. He hadn't been ready for her strong reaction. When Amanda had stormed out Don had felt helpless. He hoped Fin would be able to help her and get her back. Don didn't know what to say to Sam either. And here he was eavesdropping to get a little bit wiser in the matter that had been dropped in his lap last night.

"I don't blame you," Sam told her. Amanda had reached the chair across from him and slowly sat down.  
"I'm the one who should apologize Amanda. I didn't handle it well at all back then. I get that it's not easy for you, there's never a right time for this but I want him to go down. It's been a long way coming," Sam kept his eye on her as he spoke. There was a pause.

"Can I tell IA what I know tomorrow when I sit down with them?" he finally came right out and asked. She felt so tired. Like she didn't want to fight it any longer but she couldn't imagine talking about what happen back then. She didn't want to go back to that.  
"Do you have to?" she asked so quietly Don barely heard her from the other side of the mirror.  
"I think I do," Sam answered. There was another pause but then she finally nodded. Sam seemed somewhat relieved.

"They'll want to talk to you. I'll make them understand it was my decision, that I let him get away with it. I'll be there when you talk to them if you want me to," he suggested but she shook her head.  
"I… I can't think about that right now," she said honestly.  
"Okay, we can talk about it after tomorrow," he said with a sympathetic smile. Don knocked carefully on the door and then entered. Amanda stood up but kept her head down. She felt embarrassed for how she'd acted earlier in front of him. He walked up to them.

"Everything okay in here?" he asked. Sam gave him a short nod but Cragen could tell Amanda felt awkward.  
"I'm sorry sir, for how I acted earlier. That was unprofessional of me sir and I apologize," she tried to steady her voice but there were cracks in there and she heard them. For a third time she was told that there was no need for an apology but she still didn't agree.

"I shouldn't have run out like that," she insisted but Cragen stopped her.  
"Amanda, you felt threaten, it's a normal reaction. Please don't feel like you need to apologize for it." He looked at her with those kind eyes of his and she did believe he meant what he said. She still couldn't shake the awkward feeling though. She turned to Sam.

"When is your plane?" Amanda asked to get out of this situation. Sam looked at his watch.  
"I should probably start moving towards the airport actually," Sam said and closed his laptop completely shut.  
"Is it okay if I drive him there captain?" Amanda said and dared to meet Don's eyes briefly.

"Sure. And then take the rest of the day off and spend some time with that precious daughter of yours. We'll talk tomorrow," Don told her, thinking she needed some time to digest all of this. Sam got his things together and then shook hands with Don.  
"You'll call me tomorrow after you're done with IA?" Don asked and Sam nodded.  
"Good luck," Don said and put a hand on Sam's arm. Amanda went out a head of Sam and approached Fin.

"Can I use your car to take Sam to the airport?" she asked and he immediately got his keys out.  
"Captain's letting me have the day so I'll text you when it's back in the lot, I'll leave the key on the tire okay?" Fin shook his head.  
"Take it home. I'll catch a ride if I need to. Bring it in tomorrow," he said.  
"You sure?" she asked and he nodded.  
"Okay, thanks," she asked as Sam came walking up behind her and they headed out. Nick followed them curiously with his eyes. Liv kept her head down, she'd learnt by now how to stay informed without staring.

Sam tried to keep some smalltalk going during the ride out to the airport. Amanda appreciated what he tried to do but had a hard time concentrating. They had time for a cup of coffee before Sam headed to his gate. Sam did his best to try and convince her everything would turn out okay but they both knew they were in for a bumpy ride. They both knew Hall was a shark, he would surely fight this with everything he had and he had some powerful people keeping his back. He dared to give her a hug before they said their goodbyes and Amanda stayed and gave him a wave as he headed to the security check. On the way back she called Nellie and told her she didn't have to pick up Fay today. Then she called the daycare to make sure they were in and it was okay to pick her daughter up early. It had been a good idea from her captain, having her daughter in her arms immediately made her feel a whole lot better.

"You wanna go to the children's museum hon?" Amanda asked and knew her daughter would be up for anything if she just used the right tone of voice. Since they were near home Amanda drove by and exchanged cars. She had everything she needed for Fay in her car so they didn't need to go upstairs. Fay was probably a little too young still for the museum but Amanda knew how to lure her daughter's attention to things so it went well. Except for two school classes they had the museum to themselves. They had an exhibition about the Chinese lunar year and a girl in a creative area helped them make a dragon mask each. Fay had more fun getting color all over her hands then on the actual mask but they still manage to make one each and Amanda thanked the girl for her time with them.

They managed to spend many hours at the museum, it actually had more to offer than she'd expected and she made a note to come back here again soon. Fay had been mesmerized by the museum but as soon as they left she wore down quickly and she fell asleep in Amanda's arms during the short walk back to the car. Amanda had a seat at the passenger side and wheeled the back down. She locked the car and then just sank down with her daughter to her chest. The warmth from her daughter and her soft snoozes made this moment perfect. Her daughter had a calming effect on her. She'd always had that. Amanda had read in books about how stressful it would get having a child, how you as a parent never felt you had enough time and sure, there were times when she felt that but very often she found herself in situations like this. Precious moments alone with her daughter when the outside world made no difference. They were untouchable. Her daughter empowered her and right now she needed a lot of that.

After the nap they drove to a mall and explored a toy store. Fin texted while they were in there and asked if he could come over. She texted him back and told them they had a girls night out and wasn't at home. He texted back, told them to have fun and her to call later if she felt like it. They left the store with a singing and wiggling furry little thing that they both found amusing. So far Amanda had been spared from outbursts and crying while out and about and she was thankful for every week that went by without any. They hit the food court and found something to eat. On their way home they stopped by the water and watched the sun setting for a bit. She knew she had to get Fay home though, it was past her bedtime. They went through their usual bedtime routine but tonight she let Fay stay in her bed after she'd fallen asleep. She needed her nearby to get a good night sleep and it worked.

**She felt awkward** as she walked into the station the next day though. Worried what her peers would think of her with the display of emotions yesterday. But of course everyone kept their heads down and treated her like any other day. Nick was in already and greeted her with a good morning and a smile. She repaid him with the same and took a seat at her desk. Olivia stepped in a few minutes later and a while later Fin. He stopped by her desk and gave her a look. She just nodded and then he kept walking. She tried to keep her head in the city but at times her mind wandered back home to Atlanta and Sam's talk to IA. She kept wishing it all could just go away but she knew IA would want to talk to her. They just wouldn't drop it she knew that. Cragen called her into his office after lunch. She could feel Fin's eyes on her back as she walked in there. Cragen let her know both Sam and a sergeant from IA had called him. Two IA investigators were flying in to talk to her on Monday. He asked her how she was feeling about that and she just told him it was fine even though turmoil was going on inside of her. She added an apology for the mess she created. Cragen stopped her quickly and shook his head.

"You seem to think this is somehow your fault Amanda. It's not. You crossed the path of a dirty cop. They're out there unfortunately. Then Sam made a mistake letting him get away with it. This is not on you. If nothing else the fact that other women are pressing charges against him should tell you, you are not at fault here." She wanted to believe him but her head was too screwed up right now. At least it felt good knowing her captain felt this way.

Don tried to probe a little more but she gave him nothing and after a while he let her go back to work. Fin gave her space once she got out but as soon as they were alone in the car he asked if everything was okay. She told him it was but the question still hung in the air as they rode over to Brooklyn to have a chat with Janos that had been picked up during the night.

"You might be working with someone else come Monday," she said.  
"Why?"  
"I'm getting another visit from Atlanta," she took a deep breath and looked out the side window.  
"Sam's back?" he asked.  
"No. Suits," she said.  
"Are you in trouble Amanda?" he asked and she was taken aback by his question. She felt bad for not thinking about how this looked from his point of view. He was clueless. All of a sudden she was yelling at him, punching him and then sobbing like a mad woman. She looked over at him and as he looked over at her she shook her head. He nodded and looked a little bit relieved.

They would spend a lot of time together that weekend. The three of them. Fin felt a need to stay close to Amanda since she clearly was dealing with something. Amanda didn't mind having Fin around to keep her busy and her thoughts off what she would have to go through once the weekend was over. Fin had taught Fay to make high fives and tried to get her into music. She had already shown great beat and Fin was working on her swag to much amusement for Amanda. While Fin was hoping Fay would grow up to be a rapper Amanda was more hoping for a ball player. Fin had more luck with the beat than Amanda had with Fay's interest in balls though. But whatever made her daughter happy made Amanda happy so she was fine with it.

Fay was at that fun age when she explored the world around her with such great interest. She walked perfectly now and was quick on her feet so you really had to keep an eye on her. She had to touch everything and most of it would end up in her mouth sooner or later. Fin had great fun just watching her explore. He'd missed this period in Ken's life so it was all new to him. It was new to Amanda too but she lived with this every day and didn't find it as hilarious the fifth time she had to stick her fingers in her daughter's mouth to remove an object. Especially not since Fay had learnt she could bite her mom to try and keep the object to herself instead of her mom robbing her off it.

"Really Fin? I don't remember you having so much fun after five hours in the emergency room," Amanda glared at him as he was laughing hard at Amanda's 'ouch' at the playground as she removed a smaller rock from Fay's mouth and Fay had bit down to keep it. A few weeks ago Fay had swallowed a smaller badge pin and since Amanda wasn't sure if the pin was sticking out or not she feared it could be hurtful which had landed them in the emergency room. Fin had joined them. The x-ray showed the pin wasn't sticking out but they still needed to make sure the badge didn't got stuck so they'd stayed and fed Fay buns and tried to keep her awake and active until finally the badge came out the natural way. They had both been trying to act calm but when it came to Fay they both wore their emotions on the sleeve so they left the emergency room with great relief. Fay had fallen asleep in the car and back at Amanda's they'd all crashed from exhaustion on the bed within minutes.

**Monday came sooner** than either of them wanted. The squad caught a case early morning. Liv was starting her day at the courthouse and Nick was surprised when Cragen sent him out with Fin. Not that they didn't rotate but since Amanda seemed to be open it didn't make sense she stayed in. Nick wondered if it had anything to do with the still unexplained drama Amanda had been a part of last week.

"So Amanda's staying put?" Nick said as they headed out. Fin just shot him a look since he didn't get the question or if it even was a question.  
"Is she okay?" he tried and got awarded another look.  
"Yeah," Fin just said as he looked away and Nick knew not to ask anything more.

Liv came back two hours later to find only Amanda at her desk. Cragen called her in to get the latest on the court case. Liv was in there when Cragen's phone rang and she heard him tell whoever was calling to bring them upstairs. Cragen seemed to be in a hurry to finish off their briefing and as Liv stepped outside she saw the two suits walking in behind the desk clerk from downstairs. She looked at the two suits curiously. She could spot IA from a far by now and she always sensed trouble once she did. Cragen came out and shook their hands as Liv walked over to her desk. Liv saw Cragen give Amanda a nod and she immediately rose from her desk. Liv could tell Amanda looked strained as she walked over.

"Liv can you take my calls, I'll be gone a while okay. No interruptions if not absolutely necessary okay?" Liv nodded having eyes on both her captain and on Amanda who now shook the suit's hands. Cragen led the company down the hall. He'd already cleared with Amanda he wanted to be present as she spoke with IA and even though she really didn't want him to be there she knew it was more an order than a question. He'd let her chose the room though and she'd chosen a more secluded place than the interview room. Even though she obviously couldn't know for sure it did feel as she was a dead man walking as they walked down that hallway. She was already perspiring before they even got there. She tried to keep her head cool but it was awfully hard today. Cragen made sure the window was closed as she'd requested. He took the chair next to hers but pulled it a bit to the side so he wouldn't cramp her. He'd already been in there and put bottles of water on the table for them.

The IA investigators running this were Brian Wilcox and Stephanie Garner. Both in their 40s with proper exterior but friendly faces. Cragen got a good feeling about the two but Amanda was too blocked to read anyone clearly right now. It could have been mother Theresa sitting across the table right now and she would still feel threaten. Brian put a recording device on the table and fixed a microphone so it pointed straight towards Amanda. Amanda was leaning back in her chair just trying to breathe calmly and keep her head cool. Brian gave Stephanie a nod once everything was set up and Stephanie turned to Amanda with a smile on her face.

"Are you ready to get started Amanda?" she asked and Amanda nodded. Stephanie looked down on the papers in front of her and said out loud the date and who was present in the room. She went on to give the time when the interview started.

"So we're here today Amanda to get your statement in the case that we're building against deputy chief Shane Hall of the Atlanta PD. We've spoken to your former captain Sam Reynolds as I think you know," she gave Amanda enough of a pause to nod and then continued: "And we're interested to hear more about an altercation that took place…" she looked down into her papers and then gave the date and year of that awful day that would forever be engraved in Amanda's mind. Amanda nodded once more as the female investigator looked at her.

"But we want you to start at the very beginning. The very first time you met Hall. Don't leave anything out. We want to know everything he's ever said or done to you that was out of line, and if you hesitate on what's out of line just mention it anyway. Okay?" Amanda nodded but Stephanie asked her to give an audible answer and Amanda found herself leaning slightly forward and answering 'yes' with a frail voice. She immediately cleared her throat to get her voice back. Cragen reached out and grabbed a bottle of water and placed it closer to her on the table. She shot him a slight smile at the gesture and then grabbed the bottle to have a sip.

"So whenever you're ready," Stephanie said and with that handed the room over to Amanda. Ready? When were you ever ready to tell anyone how you let yourself get played and slowly worn down, how you held your tongue when someone so clearly crossed your comfort line. When were you ever ready to tell someone a true story that so obviously, in hindsight, painted you as the fool and the weak one. How did you tell anyone that you – a police detective – couldn't even protect your own sorry ass when push came to show. Amanda got pulled from her thoughts as her captain moved slightly in his seat next to hers. She wasn't sure how she felt about him knowing this either. Wasn't it bad enough he knew about her gambling issues. Then the shooting and getting knocked up back to back. And now this. When would he have enough of her? She couldn't help but throw a look his way. He was already watching her and as their eyes met he shot her a little smile. She didn't see any anger on his face. Just honest concern and support.

"Amanda?" Stephanie said and she turned her head back to the table.  
"Are you ready?" the investigator asked again. No she didn't feel ready but she figured she would just have to toughen up. She would never be ready for this so she might as well just get on with it like she always did. She straighten up in her seat a bit.

"The very first time I met Shane Hall I was just on my second year with the force. I volunteered for a decoy operation. He was still a detective back then. I remembered him particularly well cause he gave me an inappropriate comment on the dress I had been assigned…"


	20. Dealing, not dealing

So the interview with the two investigators from Internal Affairs had been long and draining. Even though she'd gone through in her mind the encounters she'd had with Hall during the years on the Atlanta PD it was still somewhat shocking to get the full extent of it when it was down on paper. Her interview transcript was thick as a bible. If it had been hard to tell it, it was if possible even harder to read it. Reading it made it so bluntly obvious the pattern he had and that so uncomfortable resemblance many of the perpetrators that she met every day in the line of work. She had worked with one of them she realized. She only realized that now. She had bought his excuses back then, it was the alcohol, or his wife leaving him, and even it must be hard working on the force in the shadow of a father that was chief of police. Bah humbug.

She hid the transcript at the bottom of her desk drawer and tried to push it a way for a while. But the notion that a trial was soon on the horizon made it hard for her to push it all to the side. The appointed ADA came up from Atlanta to talk to her and go through her witness statement. Sam called every now and then to make sure she was hanging in there and Cragen had been on her to see the counselor. She'd asked if she could just wait until the trial was over and he'd let her persuade him that it was better to wait. It wasn't so hard being around him as she first thought it would be. He'd looked pale and gloomy once that initial interview was over. She had a hard time meeting his eyes right afterwards since she saw the pity there. But the next day the pity had been gone and he'd been acting as normal sending her out on a new assignment. Sure he did call her in at times to check if she'd heard anything about a court date being set or anything else even though she knew he were in contact with both Sam and the ADA. So she knew it was his way to make sure she was hanging in there and she could more easily deal with that than a serious sit down.

But the waiting was wearing her down even though she pretended it wasn't. Knowing that the trial could happen any week now was nerve-wrecking. She couldn't even imagine how it would be sitting in court telling everyone, surely many faces present that she knew from Atlanta PD, and they would all look at her. Judge her. It would be all over the state news she knew it. Her parents would probably read about it and if they knew she came home they would figure out for sure that she was a part of the case. They would probably not bring it up though but it would be yet another thing hanging between them and the relationship that was already strained. She didn't need this right now. She had Fay. She needed to be there for Fay and not half of the time be somewhere else in her mind.

She focused really hard to be present when she was alone with her daughter. During the day she focused on work which was easy to dive into. The nights were bad though. She was selfish at times and kept her daughter up as long as possible cause once she was asleep Amanda was completely alone with her thoughts. She didn't sleep well. Familiar nightmares were reoccurring. She felt how she started to withdraw from Fin too. Although she wanted him there at night to distract her it got uncomfortable. She fell asleep with him on the couch only to wake them both up with a nightmare. She felt so embarrassed. And he'd just seemed unsure what to do. It became awkward and it was just easier to shut him out. He hadn't slept over for the past two weeks now. She'd been at his place twice last week but it had been awkward. She wasn't really into it and she knew he felt it. This last week she'd just stayed away.

**Thankfully** they were busy at work with a tricky case. The entire squad was on the case which involved a serial rapist who targeted women who all worked late night shift which meant they were home asleep during the day. He attacked them in their own apartments, entering through the fire escape. He wore a mask and a condom so they had neither a face or dna from the victims. The two first victims were residents of Manhattan while the third lived in Brooklyn. But the common link had been quick to find. They all worked at St Luke's-Roosevelt hospital center. They zeroed in on a former boyfriend of the first victim first but then the case turned to one of the male nurses who'd actually been one of the first who pointed out the former boyfriend.

They had been staking him out since he left his night shift early this morning. He'd been at his apartment but managed to sneak out somehow which only made them more certain this was their guy. They were now desperately trying to find out which of the currently off shift nurses who lived alone or would be without a significant other. He targeted women in apartments so they could rule out a few that lived in houses. They found two potential victims and tried to get a hold of them just to be on the safe side. One of them answered her phone and she walked over to a neighbor until a police car would come sit with her. The other nurse didn't answer her phone though and they rushed over to her apartment building. She lived alone. Nick and Olivia went into the main door while Amanda and Fin took the alley behind the building to check out the fire escape. They rounded the building just as their suspect was pulling down the ladder to the fire escape. He ran as soon as he saw them.

They both took up the tail but Amanda was quicker and Fin tried to alert backup cause this guy was running. He was going to lose them soon but got a hold of Olivia so he knew she was coming. Liv let him know Nick was coming in the car. Fin tried to stay with Amanda and the suspect but they were rather far ahead by now. He lost them out of sight as they rounded a corner. Fin figured they would be long gone once he got there and had paced down as he was giving Liv directions through the phone trying to catch his breath at the same time. Once he got around the corner though he immediately saw the suspect in the alley. He was facing a wall, turned away from Fin. No sight of Amanda. Fin got his gun up and walked in a couple of steps so he could see behind the garbage pile. Amanda was standing back to the wall, palms flat against the wall behind her. She was paler than usual and her eyes were big and round like she was scared. The suspect had his hand on her jacket collar. Not so threatening though. He was talking to her but Fin couldn't hear any of it. Fin could see the gun still in her holster and he didn't understand why she didn't go for it.

"Hey, step away from her," he yelled with his gun pointed. The suspect jumped and turned to face him quickly.  
"I didn't touch her. I promise," he started blabbering quickly and held his hands up in the air as he saw the gun. Fin pulled him roughly even further out from the wall, away from Amanda who was still frozen in the exact same position against the wall.

"Get down. Get down I said. Hands behind your head," Fin yelled as the man kept repeating he hadn't touched her, that he was innocent. As the man was down on the ground and Fin had his knee on his back he put down his gun at the same time as he was throwing worried looks Amanda's way.  
"You okay?" he tried yelling at her but she didn't answer.  
"I didn't do anything. I didn't touch her," the man kept saying franticly and Fin told him to shut up as he cuffed his hands behind his back.

"Stay there," Fin told him and used his head as leverage to get back up on his feet, smashing his face down into the ground only being a benefit. He got over to Amanda who was still frozen up against the wall.  
"Are you hurt?" he asked as he put his hands on her. He could feel the tension in her entire body. She was stiff as a board and as he took a closer look on her face he could see and hear she was only taking very shallow breaths. Her face was pale, eyes wildered.

"Breathe. Are you okay?" he asked but she seemed unable to answer. Her eyes started moving slightly though. He put his hand on her jaw and pulled her head towards him. He could feel the stiffness in her neck.  
"You okay?" he asked with great concern. He'd never seen her like that before. He took a closer look at her body, looking for blood or something that hinted to an injury but he found nothing. He looked back down her face as she started gasping for air. Her legs suddenly gave way and he held on to her as she slid down the wall. Liv came running down the alley put her hand on the suspect as she looked further in at Fin and Amanda.

"You okay?" she yelled.  
"I didn't touch her," the suspect screamed again. Nick had parked nearby as well as a patrol car that had responded to their call over the radio of a suspect on the run. Liv stepped away as Nick took over the suspect. She came up towards Fin and asked again if everything was okay.  
"Yeah, yeah," Fin said quickly and turned towards her, trying to hide Amanda with his body.  
"You sure?" Liv asked with some doubt in her voice.  
"Yeah we're fine. Take the suspect in. We'll follow later on," he said and gestured her away. Nick had gotten the suspect up on his feet and Liv turned and followed them to the car. She shrugged her shoulders when Nick shot her a confused look.

Fin sat with Amanda for a long time. Just gave her space. After gasping for air Amanda had started shaking visible. Her breathing remained strained for quite some time. He saw small drops of sweet form on her forehead and she remained very pale after the shaking started to worn off. He could tell once she started to get a grip on herself because her eyes became shy, her whole demeanor became shy.  
"You wanna try and get up?" he asked once he figured she might be strong enough. She gave him a slight nod and she let him grab her arm to help her stand up. He didn't push and let her gather herself once up on shaky legs. When she was ready, he let her set the pace, he followed her out of there and all the way back to their car. No one said anything. Not during the walk back nor during the drive back to the station.

Once back Cragen met them and let them know Liv & Nick was questioning the suspect. He was singing like a bird. Cragen asked if everything was okay and Fin covered for them. Fin asked if she wanted to watch the interrogation but she declined and sat down at her desk. He headed down the hall though and looked through the window. He couldn't fully concentrate on the interrogation as his mind wandered back to that alley and whatever it was that was going on with his partner. He cursed himself for being such a coward and not asking her straight out. Why did he have such a hard time dealing with sensitive stuff? He feared he'd cross some line with her. Like having sex with your partner wasn't already crossing a line but this was different. He could connect the dots. He knew IA had talked to her, that an ADA from Atlanta was probably prepping her for a court date and that Cragen had the whole story. He knew Cragen was worried about her by the way he looked at his partner with concern in his eyes whenever she had her back to him.

And he knew by knowing his partner that this was serious and tearing her down slowly. That first blow-up at that construction site, when her old captain from Atlanta showed up, had been weird and a bit earthshaking. And then she'd seemed to slip into some sort of isolation once her ex captain left and after those IA investigators came to see her the week after. She'd seemed distant and sad and he'd been afraid to approach her about it. They still hooked up but she felt somewhat disconnected even in bed. It made him more cautious, more focused on her needs than his own which was rare. Her urge had changed and it took her longer to come since she seemed to hold back some. Like she was preoccupied thinking about something else while with him.

So when she had that panic attack in the alley he knew he couldn't chicken out any longer. Whatever was on her mind was affecting her to the point it put her life in danger. If that man had been a murdering serial with an appetite for guns or knives she could have been dead now and that thought scared him even more than confronting her. So he invited himself in for dinner. She'd turned him down with a headache as an excuse though and he let her have that void hoping it would dawn on her she couldn't go on like this. Liv had stopped him on the way out that night.

"Hey, is Rollins okay?" she'd asked. Fin had hesitated but since he felt a need to talk about it he figured it wouldn't be betraying her if he just didn't spill everything.  
"I'm not sure," he answered. Liv had nodded in that concerned and compassioned way she often did.  
"Did something happen in that alley today?"  
"She freaked out a bit," he said and he could tell by the look she gave him that she would follow up on that.  
"Freaked out how?" Fin wasn't sure what to say. He didn't want to say panic attack if it was in fact not that, he wasn't skilled enough to diagnose it. He copped out by shrugging his shoulders. Liv nodded and seemed to think about it.  
"Can I help?" she offered.  
"I'm not sure I can," he confessed and Liv put her hand on his arm as she saw how sad it made him to say that.  
"Can I help you?" she asked after a slight pause. He thought about it.  
"I'll let you know," he said with a smile. He said it mostly to be kind, didn't want to hurt her feelings. But he knew that when it came to Amanda he couldn't ask anyone else for help, he feared he'd exposed his true feelings for her if he did.

**The next day** he didn't give her a chance to cop out of dinner. He sat in his car opposite her building and waited for her to come driving by as she'd been to pick up Fay first. She blinked her lights to alert him but he'd already seen her car coming down the street. He gave her another minute since he knew she had to drive down and then get Fay and her stuff with her upstairs. He still beat her up there and waited by the elevator when they arrived. Fay gurgled something as she spotted him and Amanda handed her over as the girl reached for Fin. Amanda was thankful for the weight relief as she was also carrying her own running bag, Fay's backpack and a grocery bag. Fin gave the girl a big hug before he stepped after Amanda and grabbed for her running bag and grocery bag to give her even more relief. She let him have them without a fight, she was used to this.

"Did you behave today or were you yourself?" Fin asked the girl as she was poking at his cheek. Amanda had reached the door and got the key in as she sent him a tired smile.  
"She was good," she said as she pushed the door open and went inside.  
"No? You can be good? I don't believe it," he said and bounced her on his arm. She started giggling immediately. Amanda took the running bag and grocery bag back so he could undress Fay. She left the running bag on the floor and went inside with the groceries. He helped Fay get the jacket and shoes off and then tried to put her down but she hung on to his shirt so he rose up again with her still attached to his arm. He walked inside and found Amanda putting things in the fridge.

"You hungry?" she asked without turning around.  
"You know me," he just said as he watched her back. He got disturbed by Fay putting a finger in his eye though and he pretended to bite after her finger. The girl giggled so much bubbles formed between her lips.  
"You slob you," Fin teased and poked her in her tummy which only made her giggle even more.  
"I think she's tired, maybe I should just start dinner straight away," Amanda suggested as she closed the fridge door and her eyes went by them on her way back to the grocery bag on the counter.

"Can I help?" he asked.  
"Nah deal with her. But is it okay if I just make some pasta and sauce?"  
"We love mama's pasta and sauce don't we?" Fin said and took Fay's nose to make her laugh again.  
"I have a piece of chicken left from yesterday. I can reheat it for you?" she offered.  
"Awesome," he said and smiled at her. They held each other's eyes for a bit before Fay demanded his attention again.  
"You wanna go play?" he said and pinched her stomach.

"Just holler if you need help," he told her and then took Fay into the bedroom to see what she wanted to play with. He sat her down in the doorway and she immediately ran over to the big unicorn in the corner. She jumped on its back and then gave it a big hug around its neck. He smiled as he watched. She loved unicorns. Her first one had just been a gift from him when she was born, something he grabbed at the convenience store, but it had become her favorite stuffed toy. She'd slept with it, took it to nursery school, in the car, everywhere. And then of course one day it was gone.

She wasn't completely devastated but she missed it. Fin had bought her that big laying down unicorn that week her original one got lost. It looked somewhat like the old one but way bigger. It made him happy she liked it and that it seemed to have worked as a replacement. These days though she had plenty of unicorns around. Whenever there was a toy with a unicorn – activity book, blocks and so on – Fin had to buy it. Amanda begged him to stop, she didn't want to spoil her with things, but Fin couldn't stop. He cut down but he didn't stop. He sat down and pulled out the toy drawer from underneath Amanda's bed. Fay came over and sat down in his lap.

"Whatcha wanna play with Fay Fay?" he asked as he grabbed at different things. He found the plush picnic basket he knew came from Amanda's mother and that Fay got when they visited Atlanta over Thanksgiving. He found it cool. The smiling watermelon piece and the smiling ice cream cone were his favorites. The ice cream cone was Fay's favorite too though so he rarely got to keep it. Today though she didn't seem to want to play with the plush basket and treats at all and went straight for the melody unicorn. She found the on button quickly and a short melody let them know it was on. Fay squeezed the soft horn and then waited for the sound. When she heard it she laughed heartfelt.

"Do the muzzle. Do the nose Fay," Fin asked and she squeezed the muzzle and a different tune was heard. Another laugh from the precious little being and Fin kissed her on the top of her head. She went on for a while pushing different spots knowing exactly where she could generate sound. Fin helped at times. He liked the sound the muzzle did and pushed it most often. 'You're a bigger kid than her' Amanda had accused him once when she'd watched the two play together. He couldn't argue with that but he'd still made her pay by tickling her until she choked with laughter. Fay had helped him tickle her and it had just been one of those really good days. Fay lost interest in the unicorn soon and he was impressed every time he watched her turn it off when she was done. What seventeen month old did that? He'd never heard of one anyway. She grabbed the bowling ball to this plush monster bowling set he'd bought her for her first birthday.

"You wanna bowl? Common let's bowl," he said and started to collect the bowling pins in the drawer. They were all soft and colorful with cute monster faces at the top. He got her to stand up so he could crawl out a bit onto the open floor. He sat up the pins while she just stood there watching him with the bowling ball in her hand. She still hadn't grasped the concept of this game yet but he was determined to teach her. He couldn't wait until he could take her out bowling for real. It was such a cool and relaxed sport, just his type of sport. When the pins were all set up into a somewhat perfect triangle Fin tried to get her to toss the ball but she just stood there and watched him with a 'whatcha talking about' face.

He crawled over to her and then tried to get her to move her hand back and forth but she never let go off the ball once they reached the 'forth' and he ended up tossing the ball instead. He only managed to knock over one single pin and he got miffed he wasn't better. But Fay walked over and as she grabbed the ball she knocked down a pin with her leg and then she knocked down another with a kick and soon she was just moving around knocking down all six of them and then continuing roaming around even after they were down.

"Just like your mom," Fin sighed and came over and joined the fun. He lay down on his back and soon he had her in his hands above his head and the game was for her to grab a pin whenever he put her down to either side. She then dropped the pin in his face which made her both laugh and meant the pin would be down by his head to grab again as he let her go down. And that's how Amanda found them when she came walking in.

"I see a visit to the bowling alley is still not in the near future," she said with some bite to it and he made a face at her before he continued what he was doing.  
"She did knock down a pin this time, with her ass though," he said and put her down so he could blow on her tummy.  
"Glad my daughter's ass is showing more potential than just sitting down on it," she said and it earned her another look. A look that got interrupted by yet another pin hitting him straight in the nose. It made both Fay and Amanda laugh.

"Dinner's ready in ten. I'm just gonna take a quick shower 'key?"  
"Sure. You want me to set the table?" he asked.  
"It's done. And I'll be out in a minute," she shot him a smile before she headed into the bathroom.

"Dinner in ten," Fin told Fay who was waving around since she wanted to grab another pin off the floor.  
"That's your luck cause I'm hungry enough to eat… you!" he lowered her down with 'you' and blow on her tummy again. It tickled so much she had to pull her arms to her as she laughed and she didn't manage to grab a pin before he put her up in the air again. She looked disappointed once up again and he lowered her to the side so she could grab not one but two pins this time around. She looked happy again. She was easy to please.

A few minutes later Amanda opened the door to the bathroom again. She found the two still on the floor but now Fay was standing on Fin's stomach and he tried to raise her up by holding on to her wrist. He'd seen this YouTube clip not long ago where this remarkable kid did the most amazing balancing acts. The kid's parents were some Circus Soleil acrobats so it wasn't such a surprise and Amanda played it like she wasn't so happy he used her kid to get on YouTube. She trusted him with her own and their kid's life though so it was mostly just an opportunity to ridicule him some cause there were no way Fay would ever manage any of what that kid did. Not for a year or two at least. Fay was progressing well and did well on her feet but she was also the kid who really couldn't stand upright in a bouncing castle. Perhaps not so much that she couldn't but she just seemed to think it was funnier to lie down and let others do the job. Fin had called that smart thinking when he saw it for the first time.

"Bowling and acrobats in one day? You do set the bar high," she smiled when she saw them. The sound of her voice and the smell of her shampoo made him loose focus and he let the girl's wrists go so he could look over at her. She was drying her hair with a towel, wearing an old softball tee and short black shorts. How she managed to make that look sexy was still beyond him but hadn't Fay been there he'd growled at her. Fay jumped off his stomach and ran over to her mom. Amanda saw her coming and held out her arms to pick her daughter up as she came running. Besides the habit of putting things in her mouth Fay also just recently developed a nose and smell fascination. Fin rolled over to his side and watched as Fay took a big sniff in her mother's newly washed hair. He wanted to do just the same. And soon enough as he expected:

"No, not in the mouth Fay," Amanda complained and put her daughter down. Fin smiled.  
"Okay we're eating," she said and tossed the towel back into the bathroom. Fay hung on to Amanda's shorts as they walked out. Fin caught himself hoping she would pull just a little bit harder and smiled even wider.

"Can you fix her?" Amanda asked and Fin took a hold of Fay and swung her through the air before he landed her in her high chair. Amanda checked the pasta under the lid and then stirred the sauce a bit before she took a peek in the oven. Everything looked good and she turned everything off.  
"What do you want to drink?" she asked Fin as she poured water into Fay's zippy cup.  
"A soda?" he suggested and she grabbed a Coke out of the fridge as she walked back to the table. She put them down in the middle and watched her daughter smile at her as Fin was putting the bib on her. She shot her a wide smile back and then turned back to get some food on the table. She was putting the pasta in a bowl when she felt Fin sneak up behind her. She felt his hands on her back first and then they came around her stomach. She felt his body press slightly up against her as his face came down in her hair.

"Smells divine," he whispered as he inhaled deeply. It could be multiple things he meant but anyone of them made her feel happy and she put her hand lightly on top of one of his. She salvage the short minute before he stepped away again. He respected that she didn't want mixed signals in front of Fay and even though that move would have sent mixed signals to anyone else they knew it was still just a hug for a one year old. She put the bowl with pasta and the sauce pan on the table and took the plate Fin was handing her so she could get him his piece of chicken. Fin meanwhile put some pasta on a plate for Fay as she was getting restless and chopped it up before he poured sauce on it.

"Oh the beans," she said and rushed to the fridge. "Chop some in there please," she asked and handed him a bowl of green beans. Veggies were important she thought and she ignored Fin's scrunched up face. He did as told and then pushed the plate over to Fay who was already ready with her combined fork and spoon, her spork. Fin loved that spork of hers. Amanda pushed the water closer to her as she sat down on the other side of the table from Fin. She loaded her own plate with pasta and then poured some sauce over it as Fin dug into the pasta.

"You're not drinking anything?" he asked and she shook her head.  
"Maybe later. I'm just starving right now," she said and put a fork full of pasta and sauce in her mouth.  
"Same table manner," Fin sighed as he looked from Amanda to Fay but neither of them bothered with him. They both just saw food. But Amanda tired quickly of her plate. That's another thing that hinted to Fin she wasn't at her best. That girl could eat, not gain a pound but eat as a horse. And when food didn't sit well it was a clear sign she was worried about something or preoccupied with something.

"I thought you were starving?" he asked after her fork had been down for quite some time.  
"I ate to fast," she said with a sigh and borrowed Fay's spork to push her food back to the middle of the plate as Fay grabbed her cup and had some water. Amanda helped her daughter out a little and fed her a few spoons before she put the utensil back in Fay's hand so she could finish on her own. She then leaned back in her seat.

"This chicken is yummy. You should cook with a headache more often," he said and looked up at her from underneath his eyebrows. The chicken was good but it was also to let her know he hadn't bought her headache story yesterday. Their subtle way of communication. Amanda instead leaned forward with her napkin and wiped some sauce of her daughter's nose. Fay held out a piece of green bean to Fin.

"No, I'm fine. You keep it," he said.  
"Oh common, bad role model you," Amanda said. He gave her a look but then grunted and leaned in so Fay could feed him the veggie piece. He tried to smile as he chewed.  
"You owe me," he said aimed at Amanda but not turning to look at her. Fay held out another piece for him.

"See, she's just trying to get rid of them," Fin complained but leaned forward to take it but then Fay quickly pulled her arm back just as he was about to bite down and she stuck the piece in her own mouth. Amanda started laughing hysterically. Fay smiled as she chewed. Fin tried to keep his surprised look on his face but it soon cracked.  
"You cheeky girl," he smiled at Fay as Amanda kept laughing. Fin looked at her and it was so nice to hear and see her laugh. He tossed his napkin at her.

"That was classic," she managed to say as her laughter died down. She had tears in her eyes from laughing. Fay tried the same trick on her mom and Amanda let her. As it didn't earn as much laughter this time around Fay soon got tired of it and continued just feeding herself as best she could. She wasn't brilliant feeding herself yet but if you just gave her time she would clean the plate. It just made dinner take a little longer which was fine though as it meant the rest could finish their food too. Fin was done and put his fork down. He leaned back too, very content. They were both quiet and watching Fay when Fin felt Amanda's foot come up on his knee. He caught her eye and she shot him a tiny smile. He put his hands under the table and grabbed her foot. He started rubbing in affectionate. As soon as Fay was done though she demanded to get down and Amanda took her into the bathroom to clean her up a little. Fin took care of the dishes meanwhile. He spun around when he heard Amanda say his name and he found her over in the door to the bedroom.

"You wanna help me with her bath?" she asked and he nodded. He left the rest of the dishes in the sink, dried his hand on the towel nearby and walked over to the bedroom. He found Amanda tapping up water and Fay sitting in the middle of the bathroom with a rubber ducky in her hands.

"Time for your bath munchkin," he smiled and got down on his knees beside her. She held out the ducky at him.  
"Ducky's gonna take a bath with you?" he asked and she nodded. He helped her stand up and Amanda looked over as she knew what was coming. Fin made sure he had Fay's eyes and then he leaned back, did his finger gun and said:  
"Police you're under arrest," he smiled as Fay put her arms up in the air and he heard Amanda chuckle.  
"Good girl," he said and grabbed the hem of her shirt and easily pulled it up over her head.

"If someone saw that they could so get the wrong idea," Amanda said with an amused voice as she turned off the water. Fin shot her a smile. He got Fay's skirt off and then the tights. The girl was busy comparing her belly button to the hole at the bottom of the rubber ducky.  
"Does ducky have a belly button too?" Fin asked and Fay held up the bottom of the duck to him.  
"Yes he does," Fin made big eyes at her and she smiled brightly probably thinking she made the biggest discovery in the world. He pulled down her diaper and she stepped out of it.

"Ready for splash," he said and gently slapped her on her side to get her going towards the tub. Amanda, who was still sitting by the tub, held out her hands as Fay walked over and once she had her she put her over the ledge. Fin put the diaper in the garbage bin and the girl's clothes on top of the laundry hamper and then joined them. He sat down by the tub about an arm's length from Amanda. Fay had sat down, water reaching almost to her arm pits and the ducky was now floating in front of her. She just kept staring at it which was uncommon because she was usually a bit of a wild one hence why Fin had said 'splash' earlier. Fin put his hand in the water and made some waves for the ducky. Fay smiled and started doing the same.

"Doesn't ducky have friends?" Fin asked and Amanda got a basket from behind her back. She handed it to Fin and he dug out two more ducks and placed them in front of Fay. Amanda leaned her head on her arm on the tub's edge as she watched Fay and Fin splash the ducks around. Fin reached over with his free hand and grabbed Amanda's that laid in her lap. He squeezed it a bit and then held on to it as he played with Fay with the other one. Amanda let them play a bit since she enjoyed just watching the two of them. Then Fay got up and waded over to Fin and gave him a kiss on his forehead. He looked a bit taken by surprise but Amanda just smiled. Fay came over and gave her mom a kiss right on the lips. Amanda stroked her daughter's hair before she sat down again. She took a deep breath and just enjoyed the moment. She then got up on her knees and started to soap her daughter down as Fay and Fin started to play again. Fay seemed to have enough of bathing as Amanda watered her down. She could usually stay in there for a long time, that's why there now were a stack of books by Fay's toy basket. Fay sometimes played on her own in the tub and then Amanda just sat next to her and read.

Fin put a towel around Fay and lifted her up as Amanda stayed put to drain the tub when he'd taken her out of the bathroom. Fay didn't like the sound the drain made when the water poured out. There wasn't much that scared that little girl but the drain was one of the few. Amanda hosed the tub down as it was empty and put the ducks back in the basket. She found Fin putting a diaper on Fay on top of her bed when she walked out. She sat down next to them and just watched them. Fin went over to the bureau to fetch a nightie for Fay. Amanda rolled back on her back and her daughter jumped in her arms. Amanda chuckled and hugged her daughter tight. Fin came walking back and now it was his time to just watch for a while. After a while he took a step closer to Amanda's legs and just leaned down and started to put the girl's legs into the pajama pants. He managed to get them on with some wiggling and force and then had a seat next to them. Amanda couldn't get enough of the smell of her clean daughter but she was also looking forward to reading her to sleep so she eased up on her hug a bit.

"Oh I think Fin is getting jealous," she whispered in her daughter's ear. "Go give Fin a hug too." The girl struggled to get up but then stood up and just had to turn around to put her arms around Fin's neck. Amanda reached out and touched her daughter's back and at the same time swiped her hand over Fin's hand that had landed there. They smiled at each other over Fay's shoulder.

"Okay okay, 'nuff with the emotional hugging. Let's get this on you," Fin said when he couldn't take it much longer. Fay stood up and helped out to get the long sleeve on her.  
"Okay fraggle girl, you going night night?" Fin asked and put his finger in her stomach. She was wearing a fraggle rock nightie. Something Amanda had found and bought and she had to explain the Muppet looking creatures to him since he'd never seen them before. Apparently it was some show Amanda had watched as a kid and she'd been ecstatic when she found the nightie for Fay and also some tights with the same pattern. Fay didn't seem to want to go to sleep just yet though and climbed off the bed and over to her unicorn in the corner. Fin watched her as she went but then turned his head back to Amanda who was still fleshed out on the bed.

"You want me to fix her some formula or have you quit?" he asked. She looked at him for a while and then seemed to snap out of whatever thought she'd been caught in and she shook her head as she rolled over to her side.  
"Haven't quit completely but since we just ate," she said and let her eyes follow a figure she drew on the bedspread. He let his own finger trace the spread over to her and he interrupted whatever she was painting. He could see her smile as their two fingers moved around each others. She looked up at him when he caught her whole hand in his and they just kept each other's eyes until Fay came over and interrupted them. She tossed one of the monster bowling pins up on the bed to get their attention. When she got them both to look at her she smiled with that most adorable smile that made Amanda's heart ache a little just because it was the most adorable thing in the world.

"Whatcha want?" Fin asked and reached out to tickle her. Fay tossed her hands in the air and it looked as though she said 'I don't know'. But then she spun around once and when she faced them again she hit her palms on the bed a few times. Amanda had no idea what the kid was doing and just smiled at her. Fin put his hands down on top of hers and she pulled hers out and put them on top of his. When he switched again she giggled. But she lost interest quickly and sat down on the floor and started to pull at the drawer underneath the bed. Fin helped her get it out and soon she was busy scrambling through it. She seemed to be fine on her own and Fin lay down on his side next to Amanda. He kissed her on top of her head as his hand just went over it. He let his hand linger in her hair.

"You seem more tired than that kid of yours," he said quietly. She took a deep breath and laid down her head on the bed.  
"No I'm just relaxed," she said.  
"No headache tonight?" he asked and she shook her head after a slight pause. He couldn't really see her face the way they lay right now. He was eager to talk to her but he figured he had to wait until Fay was asleep. He satisfied with just rubbing her head gently and watching the kid play beside the bed for now. It wasn't such a bad situation he was in and there would be time later on to get a bit more serious he thought to himself.

Fay played by herself for a bit but then she seemed to have enough and stood up. She said something not translatable in their ears.  
"Huh?" Fin asked. He was a bit more relaxed about the fact that the only thing understandable coming out of the kid's mouth so far was 'mama'. It did stress Amanda out a bit but Fin just said she knew the most important word and he kept trying to convince her that the pediatrician was right that it was too early to worry about it. Fay did understand words though, the pediatrician even said she was above the usual age curve. She could point to different body parts and could take commands very well. The later one only when she felt like it though which thankfully had coordinated with the visits to the pediatrician. Amanda tried to keep in mind that they had escaped every other health and development issue that came with a premature birth so they should count their blessings with just one hiccup.

Fay probably repeated whatever it was she'd first said but again it came out as a new type of gibberish.  
"Get up here," Fin said and patted the bed. He grabbed her arm when she struggled to get up on her own and it almost made her fly up when he helped. She crashed down in-between them with a big smile on her face.  
"Okay, again, what did you want?" Fin asked as Fay sat up. She planted her hand right on his cheek and he tried to bite at it with his teeth covered by his lips. Fay giggled. She moved her hand to his forehead and then back down to his cheek again.

"You wanna brush your teeth and read a story?" Amanda suggested and touched her daughter's leg to get her attention. Fay looked over at her.  
"Brush your teeth?" Amanda said and showed her teeth as she pointed at them. Fay put her hand over her mouth.

"Could be a yes but it could also be a shut up," Fin suggested and got a look from Amanda. Fay got down off the bed though and ran into the bathroom so she'd probably got it after all. Amanda got down after her and left him on the bed after had slapped him over his stomach. After a while he got up and pulled the spread off the bed. He moved the pillows up a bit and then walked over to pull the curtains shut. He got the familiar nightlights on and went over to the crib to get the blanky Fay wanted around when it was time to sleep. Fay was still in her crib but they'd removed the front so she could easily slip out and get over to her mom's bed. He had time to clear some stuff off the table before they came back out.

"Wow cleaning too, what a housewife," she teased as she caught him.  
"Just happy I can still surprise you," he said and sent her a cheeky smile. Amanda lifted her kid up on the bed and let her go. She ran her usual two laps around the bed, which she always did if she wasn't too tired. Fin smiled as he recalled that Amanda had told him that she tried it the other night but she was so tired she fell half way through it and just remain lying in the spot she fell. Too cute he thought as he watched her dive in-between the sheets where the lap always ended.

"She's like a dog," Fin said quietly. Amanda heard though and smacked his arm slightly.  
"What book you wanna read? Theodore? Good night moon? Or Mr Brown?" Amanda held up some books she found under her night stand. Fin had walked up around the bed and made himself comfortable beside Fay. Fay shook her head at all of Amanda's suggestion. She tried a few others but nothing seemed to please the girl.

"You want hush little baby don't you?" Amanda finally said with a not so amused look on her face. Fay got a smile on her face and Amanda looked over at Fin. Amanda sighed.  
"Okay but if you," she pointed a finger at Fin: "bug me about this I'm going to kill you." Fin didn't get what she was hinting at but was use to just going with it. Amanda scrambled through some books and when she found what she was looking for she got up on the bed.

"So I sing to her but I swear to God Fin if you," she wasn't sure how to finish that sentence and just got herself situated instead while she let him figure it out. Fay helped her open up the book and she started pointing to the words when Amanda didn't start. She shot Fin a glance.  
"I won't ridicule you, you know me better than that," he whispered.

"It's because I know you," she grunted but cleared her throat. She got started and Fin was surprised she had such a clear tone. He'd heard her sing along to music a little and all but he'd never heard her sing like this and he was quite impressed. Fay pointed to the stars and to the bird and what else Amanda sang. Sometimes Fay just swept her entire hand over the page as she was overwhelmed by the beautiful drawn characters. Fin saw her put her palm to her mom's cheek at one point, the one that was still holding on to blanky, and she just held it there as her other hand followed the characters on the page. With Amanda's sweet singing voice it was such a precious moment he felt overwhelmed by it. The second time through the book Fay's hands had stopped moving and her head fell heavy against her mother's chest. Amanda continued another page with a lower voice just to be on the safe side but then closed the book.  
"Oh now I won't know how it ends?" Fin complained with a low voice. Amanda just rolled her eyes at him and tried to slide out from underneath her daughter.

"Will you take her? I need the bathroom," Amanda asked and Fin nodded of course. She put the book down on the bed stand and hurried into the bathroom, closing the door behind her carefully so not to wake the kid. Fin scooped up Fay carefully. He carried her over to the crib with one hand underneath her head and the other one on her butt. He thought it was hysterical to carry her like that because her legs and arms just hung like dead fish when she was sound asleep. She always managed to hang on to blanky for some odd reason though, clinging on to it for dear life it seemed. Amanda of course used to cuss him for laughing at her but at the same time found it somewhat cute. Both the hanging of the limbs and Fin smiling so brightly at it. He put her down very carefully, making sure no limbs fell underneath her.

He got blanky up to her face like he knew she wanted it and then put the cover on her. He made sure she was tucked in nicely and then gave her a kiss on her forehead. Her nose crumbled slightly, he knew his facial hair irritated her at times so he just smiled when he saw that little crumbling nose. It was soon gone though and she was sound asleep making a soothing little wheezing sound with every breath. He tiptoed out of there and dove down into Amanda's comfy couch. He soon heard the toilet flush and he waited for her to emerge. He knew he was going to confront her and usually this notion would make him anxious but tonight he just felt determined. He soon heard her walk across the bedroom with her bare feet, making a short stop at her daughter's crib and then she appeared in the door way. She shut it almost closed and then turned to him.

"You want tea or another soda?" she asked. He held her eye for a bit. She still looked darn good but he had to keep focus and he took a deep breath.  
"No I want you here," he said and patted the seat next to her.  
"Fin I'm really tired okay," she tried.

"No. Believe it or not my mind is not in the gutter right now," he said with a raised eyebrow. She looked at him suspiciously. Once she realized it wasn't an invitation to have sex there was only one other thing it could be about and she wasn't sure she was up for that either. She didn't really see a way out either so she slowly made her way over to him. She sank down in the seat next to him and he immediately grabbed her and pulled her to him. She fell very naturally into him and they both just sat there in silence for a while. It felt a little like the calm before the storm though. For both of them.

"Just for the record," he said to start things of, "you have a very sweet voice for lullabies." She put an elbow in his side but more lovingly then hurtful. She felt her cheeks blush just slightly. She really didn't do well with compliments. He moved his hand from her shoulder to her forehead and stroked away her bangs a few times. He then grabbed a hold a little and turned her head up towards him.

"What happen yesterday?" he asked, having her eyes fixed with his. Her face showed nothing to start with but then her eyes started wandering.  
"When?" she tried but he didn't bite and stayed quiet as he kept looking at her.  
"It was nothing. I just got out of breath and I didn't see him when I got around that corner," she then said with many tiny sighs imbedded.  
"Bull," he called her out. Her eyes briefly came his way but never really reached his eyes.

"It was nothing Fin," she said and tried to duck out of his grip and get up but he managed to get a hold of her wrist and the recoil made her sit down again. She looked over at him with an annoyed look but he kept his cool.  
"Common, Amanda," he said quietly without letting go of her wrist. The annoyed look had disappeared just as fast as it got there and she didn't struggle to get her wrist back. It looked as though she thought about it a while but then she leaned back down against him and he moved his arm around her shoulders again. She got her feet up on the couch and he let her get comfortable again. He gave her time but as usual she stayed quiet and he got impatient.

"What happen?" he asked and squeezed her shoulder gently.  
"It really was nothing Fin, it won't happen again," she sighed.  
"You froze. That can kill you out there so we need to talk about it. Make sure it doesn't happen again," he explained how he saw it. He was thinking she was under stress for something that was going on back in Atlanta.

"He just…" she hesitated and this time he didn't push her.  
"It's true I didn't see him at first, I ran the fastest I could. And then he was just behind me and… when he grabbed me… I don't know… I guess I just...," she had a hard time describing what had happen. She couldn't get around it herself. Or she didn't want to think about it more than necessary to be honest. She couldn't deal with much more right now.

"You froze," he filled in when she didn't say anything. He felt and saw her nod her head. He stroked the side of her head and then let his hand land on her shoulder again.  
"Does this have anything to do with whatever it is that's going on in Atlanta?" he decided to just bring everything out on the plate.  
"Maybe, yeah," she said after a slight pause.  
"Can you tell me about it?"  
"It's just… I don't want it here Fin," she said but he didn't get what she meant. He stayed quiet though, gave her time to explain.

"I thought I left it in Atlanta but then suddenly it was here. I mean when Sam came and told me it was… well that it was going to be a trial and all." Fin knew nothing about a trial and he worried she was in deeper than he'd imagined.  
"But I want it to stay there. Just get it over with and get back here and just get back to normal. To my new life. With Fay."  
"You're going there for trial?" he asked. She nodded.  
"When?"  
"Next week."  
"You want me to go with you?" he asked but she immediately shook her head. She looked up at him.  
"I need you to take Fay. Can you?"

"Sure. But we can both go with you," he suggested. She shook her head and looked back down.  
"No, I don't want her around that," she said with a low voice, "I might even be back the same night if I'm lucky."  
"Why do you have to be there? Are you testifying?" She nodded at his question.  
"For the prosecutor or the defense?"  
"Prosecutor," she said quickly.

"Did someone do something to you?" he asked and he immediately felt her body distant itself from his. He quickly hindered her by grabbing her around her arm.  
"I don't want to talk about it Fin. Not here okay. I don't want it here," her voice was frail. Like she was about to cry.  
"Okay but you… You have to understand I can't just settle with what you've given me. I need to know what's beating you down," he needed her to understand how concerned he was about this. He felt her get her breathing back under control and she settled back into him calmly. He wasn't sure how to proceed from here but as he was searching for words she spoke quietly.

"In my desk drawer. At the station. The bottom drawer, in a brown folder at the very bottom of it. There's the transcript of my interview with the IA investigators."  
"I can read it?" he asked and felt a bit excited. This meant she trusted him with something big. She nodded after a pause.

"But I don't want to talk about what you read okay? It's thick, you can just browse through most of it, there's just… trifle. A lot of nothing. But we don't talk about it okay?" His time to nod even if he wasn't sure he could stand by it, it would depend on what it said. No one said anything else and soon enough Amanda was sound asleep against his chest. He thought about just settling in and sleep too but he was too eager for whatever he would find in her desk drawer. Then he thought about carrying her in to her bed but then she would kill him if she woke up. So he decided on just as smoothly as he could slip out from underneath her. He held on to her head and gently put her down on the warm spot where he'd just been sitting. He reached for the blanket and then draped it over her. He turned off the light by the couch and restrained himself from bending down and kissing her. He just threw her one last long look and then took a peek inside the bedroom to make sure Fay was still sound asleep. Of course she was and he let the door stay a little bit open so Amanda would hear her in case she woke up during the night. He turned off the light in the kitchen and slipped out of there.

He drove straight to the station. He nodded at some uniforms still lingering as he headed straight for her desk. He pulled out the bottom drawer and easily found the folder she'd mentioned. It was quite thick. He placed it underneath his arm, went past the break room to get a cup of coffee and then headed to one of the boxes further down the hall. He wanted privacy. He placed the folder on the table and put his cup down next to it. He hung his jacket on a chair and then went around the table. He took the chair and turned it so he could sit comfortable. He flipped the folder to him and turned it open. He read Amanda's name on the top of the first table and the rest of the names of the attending during the interview. He read the case number but that didn't tell him much. It was city of Atlanta against an accused named Shane Hall. He got down to the actual transcript of Amanda's interview and started reading.

The very first paragraph told him what type of man Shane Hall was. He was one of those cops. One of those who thought he had the right to give inappropriate comments to female rookie cops. Gave them slander just because of their gender. Make them feel like they didn't belong there. That they could never equal up to him and those he thought of as his peers. It made Fin angry Amanda was exposed to that but it made him proud to hear how she shut him down, tried to just let it run off her like water on a rock. But the growing anguish in his stomach was unstoppable though since he knew the size of this transcript. It was clearly just not 'trifle' as Amanda had called it. Not that the sneers or the innocent sounding taunts was trifle either but it was unfortunately reality for many. He knew she could handle that. But as he read on he could see the pattern. The sneers lead to a misplaced hand on her behind, of course excused by the low life. He'd used the 'I thought it was Derek' excuse and Fin huffed when he read that. After another misplaced hand that led to Amanda giving him quite a nose burn it seemed as though she somehow gained some respect from the man. Fin figured maybe he was impressed Amanda could hold her own.

He seemed to stay away for a while, though kept up with the 'guy talk' that could get a bit offensive. But Amanda stated she could handle it, that it was part of the game and since the other squad members told him to shut up when it got too offensive she didn't have to. But then his drinking seemed to pick up and he seemed to get more handsy again. Fin had to take a break and walk around the small room a while after a section in the transcript where Shane equipped Amanda with a wire during a sting and he clearly stepped over a line. Fin went and got himself a new cup of coffee when he'd cooled down again and then sat down to keep reading. He read how Amanda started to avoid social gatherings after work if Shane would be present. She tried to stay away from him at work to and it seemed her old captain helped out by leaving Shane out of operations on the field. Fin wondered how much her old captain knew about what was really going on in his squad. Fin had to take another break soon again and he smashed his hand into the wire covered window behind him a few times before he settled down. He couldn't put himself in her shoes, he didn't know how it would feel to be subjected to something like that. How it must wear you down and how tiring it must have been to constantly have to avoid someone you worked with.

He sat down again and finished the rest of the transcript. When he closed the folder and gained awareness on his surroundings again he could feel a cold sweat on his back. He felt oddly numb after all the rage that had gone through his body the hours it took to read through it all. He took a few minutes to just breathe before he headed back out. He placed the folder at the bottom of her drawer again. He felt tired, it was close to 2 am. He needed to get a face on this Shane bastard though and turned his computer on. He went into the police files and searched for him. Fin thought even his profile photo reeked of evil. He looked smug. Fin wanted to put his fist through the screen. He went out on the internet searched for his name and got loads of hits. Apparently he came from a well-known family, his father had a solid police career and his uncle was a politician. He found a local newspaper in Atlanta that covered the trial in detail. Apparently it had been running for two weeks now. Six women had put charges up on him. The women wasn't named but Fin could rather easily figure out which one of them were Amanda since he'd now read her statement and knew what charges would be eligible.

In an earlier article it said that the former Atlanta PD detective now transferred to an elite squad in New York would probably make an appearance late in the trail. Fin kept reading for a while. Looked at photos of Shane being led to and from court. He hadn't made bail at first since he was considered a flight risk with all his connections but then they'd change it and equipped him with an ankle bracelet and a fortune in bonds. Fin looked at photos of his father, the former chief of police. He wondered if evil ran in the blood, what crimes his father had gotten away with. Fin started to feel as his eyes were falling shut and he decided to crash in the bunks since he had to start his shift in less than five hours any ways. The few hours of sleep that he got that night was anything but restful, his sleep was haunted by images of Amanda in distress and he woke up every other half hour and had to turn over to try and fall back to sleep.

**Amaro would be first on deck** as usual that following morning. He'd fight Amanda for that spot the first year but since she became a mom, and a single one too, it meant she had to drop her kid off at daycare first and he had no trouble beating her these days. Cragen was in his office as usual though. But this morning Nick saw Fin's jacket on his chair and went to look for him. He found him still asleep in the bunks and he figured he must have had a busy night and let him have some more shut eye. There was something going on in the squad room these days. Everyone felt it but no one said anything. It had started with Amanda's old captain visiting and her running out with danger glowing in her eyes. She'd been somewhat upside down since then and Fin was acting even a bit more protective of her so Nick figured he was caught up with whatever was going on. It bugged Nick to be left out. He figured he had a right to know too since it affected his job too, well not that Amanda didn't do her job.

She was as brilliant as always out on a case and Nick figured the thing that bugged him most was just that. The fact that she seemed to be able to do her work properly even though the life around her felt rocky. He could never seem to do that. When his shit hit the fan with his wife and all he hadn't been able to leave that at home unfortunately. Nick had heard through the grapevine about the commotion during her sister's visits but yet Amanda had held up her front at work. He knew her sister had gotten arrested once when visiting her sister in New York and then there was some big brawl with her sister's boyfriend. But all this he'd heard after it had taken place and he'd suspected nothing. Well maybe she had acted a little more uptight than usual but that was only in hindsight. Amanda had her outlaw sister and Liv had her crazy brother. Both of them left him without a clue when it came to their personal lives and it did bug him a bit. He didn't like to be left out.

Amanda would walk in a little later not looking so rested.  
"Did you have a busy night?" Nick asked after they'd greeted each other good morning and Amanda went over to her desk. She shot him a nervous look.  
"What?" she asked as she got her jacket off.  
"Just that Fin's in the bunks and you, no offense, doesn't look like you had much sleep either," Nick explained as he still had half his attention on his computer screen. Amanda shot a look down to her desk drawer. Nick looked over at her when no answer came. Amanda looked back up.  
"Oh, well, no. I don't know," she said as she turned her computer on. Nick shot her a curious look but thankfully Liv came walking in and interrupted them.

"Man it's chilly," Liv said, "I wish spring would get here faster." Nick nodded at her. Cragen came out a little later as they were all busy checking through their inboxes.  
"Need someone to check out a potential case in…" Cragen looked to his note and gave them the address. A male dead body that showed signs of sexual trauma.  
"I'm up," Nick said and grabbed his jacket of his chair.  
"Well I have a witness coming in," Liv said as she looked up from her screen.  
"I can go," Amanda said and stood up. Cragen seemed to give her a look but then nodded. Fin came walking down the hall right then, rubbing life into his eyes. He yawned big as Cragen said good morning with an amused face.

"I'm sending your partner out with Nick," Cragen informed him and Fin just nodded as he scratched an itch on the back of his neck.  
"You okay?" Amanda asked carefully as Cragen turned back inside his office. Nick had started walking out but Amanda could feel Liv watching them out of the corner of her eye. Liv was, just like Nick, aware of the tension in the squad room these days and she stayed a little extra aware. Fin just nodded. He couldn't really look at her as the rage had started growing in his stomach again as the nights reading material dawned on him again.

"You sure?" she asked and swallowed hard. She figured he'd read her interview and she feared that's why he couldn't look at her. That he now felt disgusted with her, regretting ever having touched her. She felt out of breath as he again just nodded.  
"Be safe out there," Fin said as he sat down at his desk and she rushed out the second after that. Liv followed her out with her eyes. She kept looking down towards the gate where she'd disappeared. After a while she turned back to Fin.

"Fin?" she called out and got him to look up at her, "You okay?" He seemed to think about it for a while but then shook his head. He immediately rose and walked in to the captain's office.

"You have a minute?" he asked and Cragen gestured for him to step inside. Fin closed the door behind him and had a seat. He felt too tired to even stand upright right now.  
"What's wrong Fin?" Cragen asked with concern as it was seldom detective Tutuola walked in to his office asking for a minute.  
"Well I just…" he wasn't sure how to put it and just laid it out there as he went: "I was wondering, well with the trial and all and her going to Atlanta next week."  
"Amanda," Cragen filled in as he understood who they were discussing. Fin nodded briefly.

"Well I'm just wondering, I mean we've talked and all but she's not really… well opening up. So I'm wondering if, well if you're making her talk to someone?" Fin finally got to the punch. Cragen nodded and folded his hands on his desk as he thought about how much he could say without breaking any privacy boundaries Amanda might want to maintain towards her partner. Cragen was surprised though, they seemed to have such good report going.

"She'll have the mandatory visits but she asked to delay them to after the trial," Cragen informed him and Fin nodded.  
"You think she needs more than the mandatory visits?" Cragen took the opportunity to ask. Fin looked briefly to his side as he thought about it.  
"It seems she wants to leave all that behind her in Atlanta but I do think she needs to dwell on it some," Fin's eyes wandered back to his captain as he talked. Cragens turn to nod. They sat in silence for a bit.

"He will be convicted right?" Fin then asked. He feared he'd be able to buy himself out of this one too.  
"Most likely yes. His father and uncle have connections but this is a little too big to sweep under the rug," Cragen said and sounded certain. "The AD seems to think all is going well and I have daily contact with her old captain Sam."

"How could the captain just let that one go?" Fin asked and got some fury on his face. Cragen let a deep sigh escape as he thought about it. He was very disappointed in his old friend Sam. The man Cragen thought he knew would not let a man get away with what he did to Amanda. Cragen figured though that Sam thought he was doing what was best for Amanda, perhaps some feelings that extended a bit from the acceptable captain detective relationship clouded his judgment. During Sam's visit a few weeks ago Cragen had sensed some deep affection there. Cragen would never mention this to anyone though since he didn't want to spread any rumors about the two and perhaps because he feared he himself stepped over a line with Amanda. Not romantically but he perhaps felt a bit too protective of her at times, like something a father would feel for a daughter. He knew it was wrong but he couldn't help it.

It was hard to keep distance but still show genuine consideration. After this last revelation about his Atlanta recruit he had thought even more about the importance of rules and making sure no lines were overstepped in his own squad. He was already planning for a sexual harassment lecture but would make sure Amanda got some distance from the trial before he put her and the rest of the squad through that.

"I'm not sure Fin. I can't get my head around that either," Cragen finally answered to Fin's question how Sam could have just let Shane get away with what he'd done. Again there was a silent pause.  
"She asked me to take Fay when she's gone. I was thinking I'd take Thursday off if it's alright, just hang out with the little rugrat, be by the phone in case she calls you know?" Cragen nodded.  
"That'll be fine Fin," he said. Nothing much more were said and Fin headed back out again. Liv watched him as he came out but Fin avoided her look and Liv knew not to ask.

Amanda and Nick came back a little later and they did have a new case. The male victim, found dead near a small park, had been sexually assaulted. Melinda had him down in autopsy as they spoke but Nick informed the rest that the cause of death most probably was strangulation. Amanda let Nick do most of the talking during the briefing and she kept throwing worried looks Fin's way. He seemed to avoid her and it got her anxious. She couldn't understand why she let this get to her this much but she started to feel flushed and out of breath.

Nick was busy briefing and soon took over completely as when he left room for her to add something she just seemed lost and out of words. Fin had his head down, she couldn't know he was struggling with keeping his rage down and combined with the lack of sleep he was not left with much energy to fully keep attention at a high. She felt tears stinging behind her eyes and she feared she would start bawling her eyes out right there and then if she didn't do something. A very probing look from Liv sent her over the edge and she excused herself quickly. As she turned she got her foot stuck in the leg of the clear board and made a bit of a ruckus before she could rush down the hall towards the safety of some smaller and more secluded room. Liv stood up but so did Fin and he put a hand on her arm as he walked past her to go after Amanda. Liv sent Cragen a worried look as Nick was left standing just wondering what just had happen.

Fin thought he heard a door close further down the hall but wasn't sure which one. Interrogation room one was empty he saw through the open window and kept going further down. He checked the bunks but didn't find her in there. He called her name in the door to the ladies room but heard nothing from in there. She could still be hiding up in there he figured but he decided to go back if he didn't find her in any of the other rooms. He went further down the hall. He got into interrogation room two and through the mirror in the narrow pre room he spotted her. She had hunched down against the wall in the very back. He closed the door behind him and opened the next one into the actual interrogation room. He let that door be open so they'd know if anyone came in there. He walked inside and she didn't have to look up, she could here on the steps who it was. She wiped her face quickly in case a tear had escaped and she got up off the floor. He approached her but wasn't sure how far he could go and stopped a couple of yards from her. He wasn't sure what to say either.

"So is this it?" she said once she couldn't handle the silence any longer. He wasn't sure what she meant.  
"It? What?" he mumbled. She had failed to look at him but now she did but hidden somewhat behind her bangs. She didn't want him to see the tears in her eyes.  
"You read it right?"  
"Yes, I read it during the night," he let her know.  
"And now it's over?" she made no sense to him. She had been starting pacing a little by the wall and he took a step closer to her to try and make eye contact with her.

"What are you talking about?" he asked feeling completely clueless.  
"You read it and I know it, I should have known. I should have been able to stop him. Seen were it was going and…" she was rambling and he put out his hand and touched her arm slightly. That made her both stop moving and talking.  
"I'm sorry," she said after a pause and did her best to try and control her voice from cracking.  
"You're sorry about what?"  
"I should have been able to stop him," her words were hard for him to hear.

"Hey hey," he said and rubbed her arm. He wanted her to look at him but she kept her head down.  
"Don't go there," he started, "what happen wasn't on you. You did nothing wrong." He saw her shift her jaw like she did when she was either ashamed or conflicted. Either feeling wasn't one she should have right now.

"Do you hear me? It's not your fault. Nothing of it," he tried to emphasize every word and hoped some of what he was saying would get into that stubborn head of hers. She backed up against the wall and put her back to it. He didn't like that she distanced herself from him but when she peeked up at him a little from underneath her bangs he felt a little better again.  
"So I don't repulse you?" she whispered. He got a sad smile over his face.  
"God no," he whispered back.

"But you wouldn't look at me." He shook his head slightly as it dawn on him how bad he'd handled the situation. Of course she'd read things wrong. She wasn't thinking straight right now and he should have considered that he scolded himself.  
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to not look at you. I'm just tired and just very angry. Very angry at that SOB," he explained. "Not at you. Never at you." He could have emphasized that she'd actually asked him not to talk to her about what he read but he found it pointless right now. That wouldn't make her feel better.

She took a deep breath and it gave away she had a sob stuck in her throat. He had to admit he was a little afraid to approach her but he forced himself to. He came up to the side of her and leaned against the wall with his shoulder as he faced her. She'd linked her hands in front of her and he could see she was nervously digging her nails into her knuckles. He took a breath himself, he shot a somewhat worried look over his shoulder to make sure they were still alone and then carefully raised his hand to her face. Her hair was covering most of it and when he found her cheek he could feel it was just a little damp. He kept looking at her and then his hand went up to her bangs. He stroke it away so he could see her face better. She kept her eyes hidden from him though.

He kept swiping her bangs to the side for a bit and then he let his thumb run over her hairline. He'd done it unconsciously but when he felt it underneath his thumb he knew what he had been looking for. He'd seen it before during one of many explorations of her entire body. That thin little scar, barely half an inch long right at her hairline. He'd never asked about it, she had plenty of minor battle scars from altercations in the line of work or from the softball field. This was a different battle scar though he now knew. He felt her crumble her forehead and he brushed down her bangs again. He let his hand go down to hers and he made her stop picking at herself. She swallowed hard and then peeked up at him.

"So we're fine?" she asked, still with sadness in her voice. He nodded and gave her a little happier smile than the earlier one. There was still one thing he had to ask though and thought about how to articulate it. He squeezed her hand a little.

"Now that we are talking about it though I need to ask you something," he said seriously. She waited patiently for whatever it was that was coming. He threw another glance over his shoulder even though he knew no one had entered and then took a deep breath.  
"Are you okay with us?" he asked and he could tell on her face it was her turn to not understand him.  
"I haven't crossed a line? Pushed you into anything?" he asked and he saw her lower lip tremble slightly. He saw that the question upset her. She shook her head slightly.

"Please don't ever think that," she whispered as she tried to hold back the tears that were burning behind her eyelids.  
"Are you absolutely sure?" he needed reassurance.  
"Yes. Absolutely. You've never forced me to do anything I didn't want to," she tried to sound as convincing as she felt about this. Sure he pushed her boundaries but he had never ever forced her into any situation she didn't want to be in.  
"Okay. Good. I just needed to be sure," he said and felt a bit of relief. He let his fingers entwine with hers and they remain there for a few more minutes before they had to go back out again.

Outside Liv felt like she couldn't stay out of it any longer. Cragen looked as though he trusted Fin to handle it and that, along with the fact Cragen had sat down with Amanda and the suits that visited a few weeks ago, told her he knew exactly what was going on with Amanda. Cragen looked a little bit nervous as Liv starred him down. He rubbed his hands a little and took a breath.

"Okay, so," he started and nervously touched his nose. He looked from Nick to Olivia and then continued: "There's something, well troubling Rollins as you've probably figured out. I can't tell you what since… well, she'll be going back home to Atlanta at the end of next week and after that I'm sure things will settle back down some. Fin will have Thursday off just so you know. That's all I can say really. I trust you to give her some slack just for a week or two longer. That's all." Cragen took another breath and looked at both of them for a while before he turned around and started to walk back to his office. He stopped after a few steps though and turned back.

"Oh and yeah I trust you to handle all this, Nick you take lead, you know where to find me if you need anything," he gestured to the board. Then he turned again and slipped into his office. Nick looked over at Olivia who avoided his eyes since she was busy taking in the little information Cragen had given them. Finally Liv stood up and turned to Nick.

"Okay, you want to go down and see what Melinda found on our victim?" she said. Nick looked at her with a baffled face.  
"But shouldn't we…" he wasn't sure what to say but looked down the hall and then back at her.  
"Fin has her, let's go Nick," she said and turned without waiting for him. He would follow not soon after but not before he let out a big sigh. The communication on this squad sucked right now he thought to himself.


	21. Trial

The new case would turn out to be rather straight forward. The victim had been picked up at a gay bar and what started as sexual attraction ended with accidental death. Nick and Liv worked the case on their own while Fin and Amanda took the next case that came in. There was clearly some tension in the squad even if both Liv and Nick tried to treat Amanda as regular. Amanda tried to keep up appearance that everything was normal but was trying so hard she unintentionally became withdrawn. Fin tried to act as normal but became a bit of a bridge between Amanda and the rest in the squad room. Both Amanda and Fin was silently apprehensive to her fast approaching court appearance. Even though they didn't talk about it Fin was happy that at least she let him be around. They spent most of the weekend together, they took Fay to an indoor playground where Fin jumped in to help her down slides and climb up again only to slide down again. Fay slept very well that night and so did Fin. He fell asleep on the couch with Fay in his arms and Amanda watched them for a long time before she finally carried Fay to her crib and then, after had placed a blanket over Fin, crawled down in her own bed.

They hadn't been intimate for some time now. It didn't bother Fin that much but he was worried about when they would be again and whether or not he'd be able to put all this new information about her past in the back of his mind. She on the other hand hadn't really thought about it since her thoughts had been so occupied with the upcoming trial. But since they'd spent so much time together this weekend and Fin going against his nature and not once initializing sex she started to worry and by Tuesday all she could think about was just that. Fin had done the dishes that night while Amanda read to Fay. When he was done he peeked inside her bedroom only to find her still reading. He let them be and went to sit in front of the television. It took a while but then she emerged.

"Finally asleep?" he asked as he saw her close the bedroom door behind her. She rarely shut it entirely and he kept watching her out of the corner of his eye.  
"Yeah," she said and went out in the kitchen. He noticed the lights going out and turned his focus entirely on her as she came back into the living room. He watched her walk up to the window and after she had a look down on the street she pulled the curtains shut. Next he watched her pass the television to the lamp in the corner and soon that light was off too. He got a faint smile on his face as she shut the lamp by the couch off. The only light in the room now came from the television and faint light in the bookshelves. He watched her as she approached him. She was wearing black sweatpants and a white tee. Her hair was up in a sloppy bun, some strands had gotten loose and framed her face. As on so many other occasions she took his breath away even in this casual attire.

"Are we going to sleep?" he asked with an amused voice as she came so close to him their legs touched. He watched the smile on her face widen as she slowly shook her head. But then something seemed to change suddenly. Doubt. He'd seen it on her face before. He reached out and touched her leg gently. He was holding on to the remote control in his other hand and she reached over and took it from him. She shut the TV off and put the remote down on the table behind her. The faint light from the wall lit up only one side of her face and he had a hard time reading her. He let his hand move up and down her leg a little. He didn't want to push her, in fact he'd settle on just having her in his arms right now. She seemed determined to finish what she'd started though as she put her knee down on the couch next to him and then straddled him. She put her hands on his chest and he placed his on the side of her thighs. He could feel she was tense and he feared she was taking on too much right now. He put one hand up to her face and stroked the loose strands behind her ear.

He was just about to say they didn't have to do anything when she leaned in and kissed him. He welcomed her lips but let his hands settled down on her thighs again. She intensified the kiss by slipping her tongue inside his mouth and she snaked one hand around his neck as the put her other hand on his chest. He tried to keep his hands at bay but as always she had the ability to drive him eager and soon his hands travelled up her legs and landed on her behind. His fingers dug into her ass and he pulled her into him a little harder. Her hands went down to the bottom of his tee and she started to pull it up over his head. He let go of her, raised his arms so she could pull it off him and their lips parted only for a second as the fabric went passed them. His hands landed on her thighs again as she tossed his tee on the floor.

She dug her nails into his chest and her sharp touch sent shivers through his body. His hands travelled up to her head and he released her hair so it fell softly down over her shoulders. He let his one hand run through it as his other found its way up underneath her tee and he swiped his hand up over her back, feeling her warm skin underneath his fingertips. Her hands came down in-between them and she started with his belt buckle. He did feel excitement and he knew he already had a hard-on but something in the back of his mind held him back. Warning lights were flashing. She seemed sure enough though as she pulled the belt out of his hoops and got his fly down. She got her arms around him and started to move down to the side, wanting him to get on top of her on the couch. But he resisted some and snaked both arms around her so he could keep her in his lap. She let go off his lips momentarily, he caught the reflection in her eyes as their eyes met briefly. He still had trouble reading her in the gloomy light. Her lips came crashing down over his again and she put her foot down on the couch so she could use it to force him back down on top of her. He followed her willingly to the side but then tried to stay upright with her. She felt too eager, something told him to hold back. He wanted to take his time, make sure she was ready for this right now.

She could feel his resistance and sucked on to his tongue the way she knew usually got him going. He still felt hesitant though and it got her frustrated. The last thing she needed right now was hesitant. She grabbed one of his hands and pushed it down her own pants. All the way down and close to her core. She wanted him to feel what she wanted. That she was ready. But the contact only made him hesitate more. Words from her statement came popping up in front of his closed eyes. Words of violence and infringement. Words associated with something bad happening to her. This gorgeous, magnificent woman in his arms. She felt him slipping away even though it was mostly in his head. She let him go with a whining sigh. He caught his breath as he watched her face that was only a few inches away. He saw the tears forming in her eyes but she grabbed his face before he was able to say anything. She held on to his face hard. Her fingers digging in, relaying the intensity she felt.

"Don't you fucking dare start to handle me with care," she pushed out harsh and frank but not without giving away the sobs that lured down her throat. Trusting him to understand what she meant. He could feel her hard breathing against his own body, her intensity throughout her entire being. He held her eyes with his. A tear slipped out of her left eye and she let go off his face so she could wipe it away, obviously bothered having that tear interrupt this moment. He searched her eyes as he tried to get his own feelings and thoughts in check. There was only one thing he wanted to say right now. One thing. Three little words that wanted to be spoken. I. Love. You. He wanted her to know that. Needed her to know that but he feared this wasn't the right time. That it would only put more pressure on her during this trying passage in her life. Their life. That's how entangled they were by now.

His eyes went quickly over every little part of her face. Her hand with the wiped away tear waited on his chest for him to do something, to say something. Her eyes begged him to act. No he couldn't tell her this momentous thing right now. He couldn't tell her but he could show her. He raised his hand, watched as his finger swiped away a strand of hair on her forehead. His finger went down by her eye, felt the stickiness on her skin that the tear had left and then continued down to the side of her mouth. He kept his eyes open as he leaned in. Tasted her lip carefully. Felt the shiver that ran through it as she opened her mouth. He put his palm against the side of her face and kissed her again. And then again a little deeper. He moved up on the couch. Guided her down on her back. Her face relaxed as he got going but her body still felt tense. He needed to show her how much he loved her.

She helped raise her hips as he started to pull down her pants. He brought down her panties at the same time. Left her lower body exposed as she laid back down on the couch. His hand ran up her leg as he lay down beside her. His hand grazed by her pubic hair but continued up over her stomach pulling her tee up. He cupped her breast, let his hand rest there as he trailed kisses up her arm. He jumped from her arm to her face. Placed a few kisses on her jaw line before he caught her mouth with his again. He felt her one arm snake around his neck as the other one came up on his face, her fingers caressing him slightly. Their tongues played around each others as he moved his thumb over her harden nipple. He carefully moved up over her, placed his leg in-between hers and let the rough denim fabric rub up against her as he started to move his hips up and down over her. She snaked her outer leg up and around his so it intensified her sensation.

They stayed like that for a while, her breath slowly starting to pick up. When she showed him, by moving her hand down and tugging at the rim of his jeans, he rose up slightly so he could pull down his pants just a bit. He let them stay on his thighs as he moved up over her and she spread her legs to give him space enough to lie down. He let her mouth go and watched her as he slowly guided himself inside of her. She let out a gasp of warm air as he reached, and passed, her g-spot. By now he knew exactly where to locate it and which finger reached it the best but tonight he wanted to prove more than just that he could get her to orgasm. Tonight he wanted to show her how much he loved her if she didn't already know that. He held on to her eyes as his hands found their way up into her hair and he let his fingers entangle there. Grabbing on as gently as he could. He kissed her briefly as he slowly pulled out of her.

He let her go so he could watch her as he slid back in again. Her cheeks had a darker shade than her face and he placed a kiss on both of them as he slowly continued to pull out only to push back inside her again. Out and in. Slowly. He knew exactly how to last, how to wait for her. Most of the time he actually didn't bother to wait for her, knew she didn't mind since he would take care of her as he waited for himself to get ready for a second round. Knew she needed time and that there were other things that would set her in the mood, get her there quicker than penetration. But then there were times when he felt like waiting, times like this when climaxing together meant so much more than just that. He wanted that now, in this moment he wanted to reach that high together with her.

Her hands moved up and down his back, every now and then her nails paid his skin a visit. He soon figured out the rhythm, every time he hit her g-spot straight on her nails dug into his skin. She soon wrapped her legs up and around his, making her hip tilt so that her nails paid more frequent visits into his skin. He picked up the speed a little, making sure he stayed slow enough to not get carried away. He kept watching her intensely. So much so that her eyes soon teared up. Those tears that had been burning behind her eyes for so long now came dwelling out. She couldn't stop them. Hoped she didn't have to. That he wouldn't stop. That it wouldn't freak him out. He wasn't sure what these tears meant. But there were too many to just be her regular close to release ones. He tried to kiss some away. The salt filling his mouth.

Her arms snaked harder around him and her feet interlocked around him almost taking her off the couch. He could feel the sweat starting to form on her body as she pressed herself harder to him. Both of them were absorbed with each other but they were aware they had a tiny little person in the next room and had to stay in control of how loud they would get. He'd picked up some more speed now as he saw and felt he had her going the right way. She bit down on her lip and he leaned down to kiss her to make her let go. He soon left her lips go though, wanting to be able to look at her. Her face was crumbling and she tried to hide herself by nestling into his neck. But with the grip he had in her hair he could easily force her back down again. He wanted to look at her as she came, wanted to see it happen so he could let go in that same exact moment. Wanted her to see the love he felt for her in his eyes as he showed her with his body just how much.

She let out an prolonged groan and he felt her feet slip off his back. She pressed her eyes together hard as she gasped for air after that long groan. He could still feel she wasn't there yet. She planted her feet on the couch and it felt as though she tried to push herself away from him. He knew this meant she was getting very close and he put his arm up around the top of her head as he pushed his hip harder down into her, boxing her in completely. He felt her body go stiff as her toes flexed down into the couch and her fingers curved over his back, nails digging in hard into his flesh. He let out a growl as her nails hurt delightfully. Her back arched the moment just before release and the second he saw it on her face he pounded himself harder inside of her. He felt her tighten around him in uncontrollable waves and it only helped him with his own release.

He buried his mouth by her neck to silent the loud grunts that threaten to slip out. Their muffled groans merged like their bodies and it lasted for two long minutes before they both crumbled on the couch panting excessively. He slipped out of her and rolled off her to let her get her breath back. His hand found its way down to her thigh, gently stroking the inside of it as she was coming back down, hoping it would prolong the good feeling. Her skin was damp with sweat and other bodily fluids. He leaned in and caught her mouth with his, feeling the need to taste her. She accepted his tongue into her mouth and rolled over towards him. He put his arm around her and held her tight as they kissed. A deep and intimate kiss. Once they finally let each other's mouths go they stayed like that for a while before they had to let the surroundings in. This was no position to be caught in by a one year old. She let him stay the night though, in her bed.

**And he was there** the next one too. Her flight would be early Thursday morning and he would drive her to the airport.  
He could tell she was nervous. She became forgetful when she was nervous and he caught her many times on her way to fetch something only to forget what she was fetching half way there. He tried to help out as much as possible but he also knew she liked to keep herself busy when nervous so he let her see to the dishes and all that household bound. He dealt with Fay meanwhile and he'd played with her while Amanda went out for a run. After Fay had crashed they watched some TV but she had a hard time remaining seated for longer period of times. Once it was time for bed he could tell she had a hard time relaxing and he wasn't sure how to help her out. At any other time he could have used sex but not tonight. He just let her be and then fell asleep before her and had no idea when she finally managed to sleep.

She wouldn't look rested once he first laid eyes on her in the morning. He woke up by her shaking him a little. He heard her voice but couldn't really make out what she was saying. He rubbed his face and tried to focus his eyes on her. He could smell her before he saw her. She'd showered and her hair was still somewhat wet. She was already dressed.

"Huh?" he yawned and she squatted by his side so not to wake up Fay.  
"I can take a cab," she repeated.  
"No, I'm driving you," he said.  
"Are you sure? Isn't it easier if I just take a cab?" She stood back up as he sat up in bed.  
"No. Just give me a minute," he said and rubbed his eyes a little as another yawn came over him.  
"But Fay and all, it's just a bother," she sighed and gestured her daughter's way.  
"It's not. We both want to see you off," he said and got his feet down on the floor. She shook her head but then headed over to the crib. He heard her softly talk to Fay as he got up and stretched out a little. He made his way into the bathroom and got an eye of Amanda gently rubbing her daughter's sleeping back. He used the can quickly and then squirted some water on his face. Once he got back out Amanda had carried the still sleeping Fay over to the bed. She shook her head at him a little to try and prove this was a bad idea.

"I got her, go get yourself ready," he said.  
"I'm done already," she sighed.  
"Okay then let's get this one done then, grab some clothes," he said and almost pushed her away so he could get Fay out of her pajama. Amanda walked over to the drawers huffing a little. Once she came back he had her completely stripped.

"She needs to shower, and a new diaper," Amanda complained when Fin started to get the underwear on Fay. Of course Fin knew this but he was still not fully awake. He got the underwear off and carried Fay into the bathroom. Amanda joined and with joint effort they managed to wash the still sleeping Fay off. Amanda got a towel and then took Fay over from Fin. She dried her off quickly and then got a new diaper on her before she started to dress her. Fin meanwhile got himself dressed in yesterday's clothes that lay by the bed.

"You know what you two are doing today?" Amanda asked. She knew Fin wasn't planning on taking her to daycare. Fin just shrugged his shoulders as he came back over to them.  
"Well if you're planning to be outside she needs thicker pants, it's still not that warm outside," she said as she'd only gotten a pair of tights on Fay. She pulled a t-shirt dress over her head and then a warmer sweater above it.  
"I got it, don't worry," he said and touched her arm briefly before he lifted Fay off the bed to take her out.  
"I packed a snack for her, you want anything?" he heard her say behind his back as she followed them out.

"Yeah, you have a bagel or something, I'm hungry," he said and she made a detour to the kitchen. He saw her small bag by the door as he got Fay's shoes on. They managed to get themselves and the light luggage down to the garage. Fin strapped Fay in her car seat while Amanda got her bag in the seat next to her. Amanda got around to the passenger seat and climbed in.

"Shot," he heard her say and asked what was up. She held up a folder so he could see.  
"I must have accidentally taken this home with me yesterday. Amaro might need it," she sighed.  
"I'll go by the station after we've dropped you off, don't worry," he said and closed Fay's door. She seemed to settle with that and he soon drove them out of there in her car. It would be a silent ride. Fay slept the entire way, Amanda kept looking out her window and Fin kept his newly awoken eyes on the road ahead. He could feel her tension though.

"You hanging in there?" he asked as he had the airport in sight. She moved her head slightly but not all the way over towards him.  
"Yeah," she managed to say. He drove into the garage so he could go with her inside. He got her bag as she got Fay that sat behind her. She woke up slightly as they started walking over to the airport. Even though she wasn't a morning person thankfully though she wasn't a cranky one. She liked to cuddle in the morning and Amanda enjoyed feeling her arms around her neck tighten as she woke up more and more. Since she didn't have any luggage they went through the automatic check-in. Fin took Fay so she could pick her seat. Fay was awake by now and was curious on her surroundings. Fin tried putting her down but she wasn't keen to stand on her own just yet and whined so he would pick her up again.

"My gate's that way," Amanda said when she joined them again and pointed towards one end. They started walking over there.  
"You have time for a coffee?" he asked. She looked up at the watch in the ceiling. He knew she had time but the question was if she wanted to be alone or not before her flight took off. She seemed to think about it but then nodded. They walked over to Starbucks and Fin handed Fay over to her as he told her to have a seat. He came with two coffees and a cup of milk for Fay. She seemed uninterested though. Amanda made her have at least a zip before she let her down on the floor as she'd seemed interested to explore a little. Amanda's trained eye had already scanned the floor for anything she could stuff in her mouth but thankfully it looked very clean. Fay was still a little tired and didn't wander far off. She hung out by a decorative iron fence around the cafeteria and had fun waving at people rushing by. Most of them not even noticing the little one though. Amanda kept her eye on her while Fin let his eyes go back and forth between the two.

"You'll call once you arrive in Atlanta?" he asked and she nodded.  
"Or text," she added after she had another zip of her coffee.  
"Have they set you up in case you need to stay?" she shook her head at his question.

"I'm not staying," she said and sent him a quick look. Fay had enough of being ignored and came tumbling back to them. Amanda helped her back up in her lap again and got a quick hug before Fay sat down facing Fin. He pushed over the milk at her and he gave her a smile as she grabbed it. She leaned back against her mother with the cup in both hands and she put the straw in her mouth and sucked a little. He watched Amanda as her finger went through Fay's hair. Fay had a tiny, tight braid running right by her forehead to keep the hair off her face. The rest of the hair stuck out in lovely blonde afro curls. It was not even two inches long but if you stretched it out it was double the length. Amanda called it her halo but Fin called it weed.

It didn't take long until Fay got restless and Amanda said it was best she went through security anyway. He grabbed her bag and got the now empty cups to the trash while she took care of Fay. They walked over to the entrance and switched cargo once Amanda had given Fay a big hug. Fay demanded another hug once she was in Fin's arms and Amanda leaned in to give her daughter another kiss and a hug. Fin took the opportunity to give her a light kiss on her cheek. A woman that passed them sent the three a quick look and thought 'what a cute family'. Sometimes it wouldn't be so bad if you could hear what other people thought of you but most of the time you're probably better off not knowing.

"You behave now," Amanda whispered to Fay. "That goes for you too," she said and shot Fin a look. They both smiled. He touched her arm briefly and then let her go. Fin helped Fay get the 'blowing kisses' right and Amanda smiled as she waved to them. There was only a short queue and soon enough she was out of sight.

"Okay it's just you and me kid," Fin said as he turned. He could see Fay turn her head and try to spot her mom over his shoulder.  
"You hungry yet? I'm starving you see, I could eat you," he got her up so he could dig into her stomach with his mouth and it immediately distracted the girl. She chuckled heartfelt and wiggled in his arm to get away from the tickling even though she loved it.

**After two hours** they stepped into the station. They had stopped at a diner on the way back and Fay had a waffle with fruit, mom would have been proud of both of them, while Fin got a large breakfast meal. Fay tried some of his food too but then headed over to the little play area they had. It kept Fay distracted as he finished his breakfast which he appreciated. As they were heading out though Fay started fussing and he could smell why.

"You couldn't have done that while your mom was still around?" he asked but of course with a smile on his face. They got out to the car to find her a fresh diaper and then headed back inside. It took Fin a good half an hour to sort the mess out.  
"Do you do this a lot? Just so I know to be prepared?" he asked while they were stuck in the bathroom. It didn't help that Fay got restless and Fin cursed himself for not bringing a toy for her like he'd seen Amanda do so many times. He was relieved once they could finally get out of that claustrophobic room and Fay seemed just as happy.

With Fay in his arms Fin had a hard time even getting through the reception area with all the curious eyes and questions who the adorable little girl was. Someone suggested his granddaughter and Fin huffed at the person. Fay charmed them all of course and didn't seem bothered with all the patting and probing. Fin finally had to say enough so he could get up to his floor. He had to fend through another lot in the elevator and then in the hallway before he could step into the squad room. He gave a sigh of relief once he finally got in there.

"Oh," Olivia immediately squealed as she laid eyes on them and quickly got up from behind her desk. Amaro got up too as soon as he spotted what his partner saw and a wide smile spread over his face once he saw the little one.  
"My goodness you truly are the most precious child," Olivia said with her eyes glued on Fay. It had been months since she saw her in person last.  
"Can I?" she asked and Fin just tipped the girl over into Olivia's arms. The girl had no problem swopping arms and gave Olivia a hug once she landed there. Olivia squealed again.  
"Good riddens. The kid's getting heavy," Fin smiled as he pretended his arm was hurting. He tossed Fay's jacket on Nick's visitors chair.

"This is for you my man. Amanda apologizes, she accidently brought it home with her," Fin handed over the folder to Nick. He accepted it with a nod and that was that.  
"Are you in a hurry?" Olivia asked and when Fin shook his head she set her aim for the interview room where she knew there were toys.  
"Just be careful, she stuffs anything into her mouth," Fin shouted after them. Cragen had noticed the newcomers and Olivia stopped so he could give the girl's cheek a squeeze as he came out of his office.

"She got on the plane okay?" Cragen asked once he'd joined Fin and Amaro. Fin nodded.  
"How is she holding up?" Nick asked. Fin shrugged his shoulders.  
"It's Rollins. She says she's okay but who knows," he said just so he wouldn't have to take it any further. Nick nodded. He knew what was going on. Of course he hadn't settled with not getting any more than the cryptic intel Cragen had given them. Later that day as he was done with the paper job and the squad room lay pretty empty except for Liv, he went out on the net and used a search engine. He'd easily come across a few newspaper headlines from news desks in and around Georgia. He called Liv over as he'd open up an article about 'the scandal in the Atlanta PD'. She read the ingress but then shook her head a little at him.

"She'd tell us if she wanted us to know," she just said and went back to her desk. This of course hadn't stopped either of them. Nick had kept digging and Liv had gone online once she got back home that night. It was one thing to gang up and talk behind someone's back but Liv figured it was just to get a better grasp on Amanda. She was still such a sketchy person for Liv and they'd gone through a birth together after all. Amanda had opened up to her once about this, even if it was perhaps in a weak moment. But Liv figured that gave her some permission to dig just a little.

It wasn't a pleasant read for any fellow police. Everyone knew they had bad eggs in the police department but this rotten? Liv cringed as she read the charges against this scumbag. And apparently they were looking into his father too, a former chief of police. He seemed to have known some of his son's wrongdoings and covered them up one way or another. An online forum speculated about a former prostitute that now lived in a fancy house outside Atlanta with a kid apparently fathered by Hall junior. And his father was a shareholder in the production company that owned her building. There were plenty of speculations and discussions online about other nasty indiscretions by Hall junior and whether or not Hall senior could be implicated.

Six women in the Atlanta PD had been brave enough to put charges up. Only one was named but both Liv and Nick could rather easily figure out which one was Amanda. The named one was a woman that let herself be interviewed by a newspaper. She left the APD back in 2006 and now worked as a shopping mall cop to make a living for herself and her two children. It was hinted in the article that she felt forced out and her allegation told of months of harassment until it escalated in a physical assault that got unreported after threats. It sounded like Halls alcohol consumption that night made it possible for her to fight him off thankfully but it was disgraceful that he never got charged for it.

Liv wondered how the assault on Amanda had ended. There was a front page that read "Sex scandal escalates in the APD" and inside a headline that read "Vicious assault made female detective transfer". There wasn't much details other than that the now NY based detective was left bloody and scared for life after a rape attempt during a social gathering. It made Liv's head spin. Of course she knew papers liked to exaggerate to up sales but it sounded like it hadn't been _'something not worth pursuing'_ as Amanda had put it during their brief talk. Only slight positive conclusion both Liv and Nick came to after a bit of reading was that Hall never, at least in these six cases, managed to complete a rape. But both knew, perhaps Liv a little more, that a rape attempt could be damaging enough. Liv hadn't discussed what she knew with anyone but Nick now let Fin and Cragen knew he had a bit of insight. Fin didn't seem that keen on giving much about Amanda's resilience though. Instead Cragen asked Fin if he had time to step into his office for a while and Nick felt left out as usual.

Cragen walked over to the window instead of his desk just to throw a glance at Liv and Fay through it. Fin walked over there too and they got stuck there. Probably since it made both feel just a little bit better about what they were about to discuss when they could see that little bundle of joy in the next room.  
"Have you talked to Sam today?" Fin asked.  
"Yeah. He called this morning. He was driving out to fetch her himself once she arrives," Cragen let him know and even though Fin had a bit of a grudge towards her former captain he still felt he was the best choice as he knew Amanda trusted him.

"Do you have a hunch about how long her testimony will run? She was eager to get back tonight," Fin knew it was an impossible question to answer but he felt the need to air it anyways. Cragen shrugged his shoulders a little, his hands pushed down into his pants pockets. Fin thought he looked a little sad, he figured he probably was just as concern about Amanda as he was.

"If she wants to and there's a flight available Sam will make sure she's on it the minute she steps down from the stand," Cragen said and watched as Fay tumbled after a ball that she managed to toss away from Liv instead of to her. Cragen smiled and Fin did too as he saw what he was looking at. Fay got the ball and then walked over to Liv and just handed the ball to her instead. Liv's face was the brightest Fin had seen since, well Elliot left the squad perhaps. No she'd looked just as bright after playing mid-wife at Fay's delivery. It made him think she should have a little one of her own around all the time, it would be good for her. He got pulled away from his thoughts as Cragen spoke again.

"You got her for the night if Amanda's not back?"  
"Fay? Yeah," Fin said as he pulled his eyes from the other side of the mirror.  
"You okay with that? I mean I know you have a son but it's been a few years since you took care of a toddler," Cragen smiled. He was probably one of the few in the squad room that never ever even consider for a second that Fin and Amanda might be more than partners. They never been anything but professional around the office and Cragen were just so relieved that their partnership had worked so smoothly from the get-go since Liv and Nick had a bit of a rocky start.  
"I think I can handle one night," Fin said with not much worry in his voice. Cragen shot him a smile and then looked back through the mirror.

"Whattcha got there?" Liv asked with much excitement in her voice as she crawled a little closer to Fay and the toy bin she was rumbling through. Fay held up a little action hero figure by his head.  
"Is that Batman?" Liv asked but Fay just smiled at her and handed her the figure so she could continue rumbling through it. She found a plastic horse and seemed to have a close look at its head.  
"Is that a horse? You like horses Fay?" Liv asked but again all she got was a smile. It was such an adorable smile though Liv forgot the question whenever she saw it. Fay held up the horse to Liv and she made it move in the air.  
"Oh is the horse riding? You're so clever," Liv mused, "and what does Batman do then? He flies right?" Liv started moving the figure in the air above Fay's horse.  
"And he swops down," Liv made the figure swop down over Fay's horse. She kept moving him up and down and Fay giggled.

"Can the horse catch Batman Fay?" she asked, "or maybe Batman catches the horse?" Fay giggled even more as Liv kept circling the horse with the figure. Fay seemed to get the hang of it but she giggled so much she forgot to move the horse most of the time Liv's Batman swooped down to catch the horse. And then as she took a step back she almost fell backwards but Liv managed to catch her before she fell. Fay kept giggling but stepped into Liv for backsupport as her horse attacked Batman. At that time Fin stepped in through the door from Cragen's office. Liv shot him a quick smile.

"Well you two seem to get along," Fin said as he closed the door behind him. Fay held up the horse towards him and he gave her a smile.  
"She's adorable," Liv said as Fay seemed to have enough of the Batman and horse game and went back to the toy bin.  
"Yeah nothing like her mom," Fin joked but Liv didn't bite.  
"I love what she's wearing," Liv said and reached out and touched the hem of Fay's dress that was sticking out underneath her sweater.  
"Yeah that's one colorful little lady."  
"Fits her personality I bet," Liv smiled and Fin could only agree. They watched her rumbled through the toy bin for a while, every now and then holding up something she found to get Liv's response to it.

"When's her testimony?" Liv then asked and sent him a brief look to see how he responded to her question. He kept his cool demeanor as usual.  
"Right after lunch," he let her know.  
"Do you know how the trial is going?" Liv sent him another quick look but got interrupted as Fay turned a small basked upside down and its contents, blocks and some figures, scattered all over the floor. She made a shocked face at Fay that made her laugh and then they helped to collect the stuff off the floor. Once they were done though Fay picked up the basket only to tip it back over again and smiling as the things spread out. Fin sighed and got down on the floor with them.

"She can go on all day," he tried sounding annoyed but no one was fooled. He loved it. This time they just collected the things in a pile on the floor.  
"The trial?" Liv tried again as they both just sat there watching Fay picking up one toy after another and putting them in the small basket.  
"Haven't read the other's statements but hers will bury him. But you never know who they decide to trust," he said without letting his eyes stray from Fay. He knew Liv probably knew more of what was going on than she'd let on, she usually did.

"Could she handle an acquittal?" Liv asked spontaneous as she could only imagine how disheartening such a result most feel like after gathering the guts to actually file charges. Fin wasn't sure how to answer that, he didn't even want to think about it and felt relieved as he got saved when Fay for a third time tipped the basket over.

"Okay that's it, time for us to get out of here," Fin said and quickly gathered the things and put them back in the toy bin. Liv got up on her feet to get a toy that found its way in underneath the interview table. Fin picked Fay up and she squirmed a bit, giving a noise that told them she wasn't all that satisfied being pulled from the still not fully explored toy bin. Liv tossed the wandering toy in the bin and gladly took Fay over as she reached for her. Fay locked her arms around Liv's neck and Liv took the opportunity to give the girl a hug.

"She'd sell me for a Twinkie," Fin complained and walked towards the door. Liv chuckled as she followed.  
"No you wouldn't would you?" she said and put a finger in Fay's stomach to make her giggle again.  
"But maybe for a Ding dong?" Liv said and got rewarded a disturbed look Fin shot her over his shoulder. Nick was back at his desk but looked up as they approached.

"Off to resume your play date?" Nick asked as Fin grabbed Fay's jacket off his visitor's chair.  
"Yeah, time to find another place she can trash," Fin smiled as he tried to get the jacket on Fay. She'd found Liv's necklace and wasn't keen to cooperate but Fin was used to it and just took one arm at the time and soon it was on her. Liv chuckled a little as the necklace went inside Fay's mouth and she tried as gently as possible to pull it back out.

"I wish you could stay all day," she whispered as she swiped her hand back over Fay's head to pull her in for a kiss on her forehead.  
"You say that now," Fin said and let the rest of that sentence hang in the air. Nick was rather sure Liv wouldn't mind though as he watched how much her face was shining right now.

"Give her a kiss goodbye Fay," Fin ordered and Liv got a smack right on her lips by the little toddler. Nick ah'ed. Fin grabbed the girl from behind, she seemed fine with it but Liv looked sad.  
"Someone's jealous," Fin said and held Fay down so she could give Nick a kiss on his cheek. Liv's time to ah as Nick smiled as he felt the kid's lips on his smooth cheek.  
"Say bye bye," Fin said as he pulled her back and her hand came up in the air.  
"Bye Fay," Liv smiled and waved back. She truly wished they could stick around a while longer but it was time to get back to the grim work they had at hand.

**Fin had been** a little worried about how he'd managed to keep Fay's spirit up all day all on his own but he didn't need to. She started to get fuzzy around lunch but just like himself food took away any sign of grumpiness. The weather got a little better as the day went on and they headed to the playground. Fin got a text from Cragen on their way there. "Just got word. She's been called to the stand." It was the first Fin had heard from across the country. Amanda hadn't called or texted when she landed but he wasn't surprised. She had enough on her mind. He thought of Amanda on the stand as he followed Fay as she tumble straight into the playground. He'd seen Amanda in court a few times now but there was one thing to be on the stand as a witness and one to be the victim. She'd probably kill him if she knew he thought of her as victim. But she had been. No point denying it. Fay demanded his attention as she raised her hands to be picked up in the swing that had been her first choice.

"As the lady orders," Fin smiled and picked her up only to put her down into the swing, "your wish is my command." He got the swing going by pulling it up with him as he took a few steps and then he let it go. Fay's face told of the nice feeling she had as she soared through the air. Fin couldn't help but smile just as wide. She stayed up there for a long time, Fin had to swop arms as he grew tired of pushing her. Then of course she wanted to climb the play set with the different slides. He knew Amanda used to go up there with her but he wasn't really that limber. There weren't that many kids around so he couldn't ask one to go with her. He still helped her up and then spun around on the ground to make sure he was right below her at any time.

Thankfully she didn't run around like a mad one but just explored the play set and every now and then wanted Fin to reach up to touch her. Fin could relax a little as he figured she wouldn't drop but he still kept a good eye on her though. She went down the little slide and then wanted back up again to try the big slide. Not much scared this kid and it made him somewhat proud. All he had to do now was getting her to stop fearing the bathtub drain and she would be perfect he thought as he watched her go down the bigger slide for a second time.

A group of moms and their kids had entered the park. They had kids around Fay's age and she'd soon found her way over to them in the sandbox. The moms were all propped up on a bench with their trendy buggies by their side, coffee mugs in their hands and they all seemed to be color coordinated, as did their kids. He kind of hung around the side of the sandbox but soon found himself wheeled in by the moms as they started to chat him up. He wasn't sure how it happen but he ended up on the bench in the middle of the four of them and comments and questions showered him.

"Cute kid," one said.  
"Adorable. I love what she's wearing," said the next one.  
"Love her hair. Is it her natural color?" the third one asked and Fin was so stunned by the question all he could do was nod.

"Really adorable," one of the closest to him said and continued; "How old is she?"  
"Eh seventeen month," Fin managed to say.  
"Oh, tiny then. I could see she was quick on her feet though. My Sasha is just fourteen month," she pointed to the girl Fay sat next too, they looked to be the same size. "Barely walking though," she added and sounded less than thrilled about it as she eyed her own daughter.

"Fay was a preemie," Fin said quickly to hide the face he'd made.  
"Fay?" one of the other moms asked.  
"Yeah. Faith but we all call her Fay."  
"Faith is a beautiful name," one of the moms on the end said and the other moms agreed making Fin understand they didn't like the nickname. Like he cared.

They kept complementing her appearance and then moved on to asking him about her development. He answered the best he could but soon realized the moms kept talking even if he didn't answer. Fin found himself thinking he was either in a twilight zone or on candid camera. It amused him though. And it was fun and refreshing in a way to be able to actually be the dad. He didn't have to hide the reality from these women. It quickly got weird though. He felt some relief when Fay seemed to have enough of the sandbox and came walking over to him with raised arms to get picked up. The women ah'ed as she gave him a quick hug once up in his lap.

"She's adorable," a mom on the end said.  
"Yes. I could totally see her in a GAP ad," the woman closest to him said as she put her hand on Fay's leg. Fay watched her hand and then looked up at her with an ambivalent face. She looked up at Fin who had the same face but then he winked at her and she smiled. When she turned and gave the woman a smile too she made another 'ah' and the rest of them joined in.

"Okay, I think that's our queue," Fin smiled as he had enough of these mommy dearest. He got up with Fay in his arms and Fay started waving goodbye to the women.  
"We're here every day around this time," one of them yelled after them.  
"Good to know," Fin said to Fay, "then we know when to not be here."

**Once back in the car** Fin drove them over to Ken's work for a surprise visit. Ken, and Alejandro, saw Fay at least once a month but Fin knew Ken wouldn't mind seeing her more often. Ken was very happy, and surprised, to see them. He didn't know of the ordeal Amanda was going through right now and when he asked why Fin had the kid Fin just said they were playing hooky from the daycare. Ken knew by now when not to probe and just let it be. Ken got Fay a snack in the lunchroom and they sat down for a while. Fay managed to rest in Ken's lap for at least the duration it took to finish the snack but then she was down and went around the room exploring. One of Ken's co-workers couldn't help but ask who the adorable girl was and after just a slight hesitation Ken let her know it was his kid sister. Once she left there was an awkward silence between Fin and Ken for a while. Ken wondered how this would play out once Fay was older. For all he knew Fin still wasn't officially her dad and it did anger Ken some. Not enough though that he wanted it to come between them and he decided to let it go for now.

Fin wasn't unaware of Ken's feelings but right now though his mind was in Atlanta. It was 3 pm and still nothing on his phone. Ken needed to go back to work and once in the car Fin sent a text to Cragen asking him if he'd heard anything. It didn't take long until his phone beeped. 'No word yet. Probably still on the stand. Sam promised to text once she was down.' Fin sighed. He was afraid of this. Shane's defense attorney probably put her through hell, trying to twist her testimony and might even drag up her personal business to discredit her. Fay interrupted his thoughts as she dropped the book she was looking through on the car floor and whined. He pulled over to the curb and leaned back to fish it up for her.

"Hey, you wanna hit the arcade?" he asked and the tone of his voice made her light up. He needed distraction and he drove to this arcade he liked. He wasn't sure Fay was old enough but it had machines ringing and lights blinking so he figured it would keep her interest for at least a few minutes. As always though she had great fun exploring a new site. He loaded a card with 20 dollars in case they found anything she could play. It mostly had games and machines for kids a little older and the air hockey table was too high for Fay to reach. They did play a game of skee ball though. Fay didn't really get the hang of it but it was okay. Fay then got stuck watching a couple of kids on a dance machine and it gave Fin time to throw glances on the Street fighter machine. One of the older girls on the dance machine let Fay come up with her and she tried to teach Fay the game. Fin stepped in and paid a round for all the three girls. Once they walked off he paid for another round but it left Fay just sitting on the floor watching the different plates light up. Once in a while she managed to smack her hand on the uplit plate before it went dark and that got her laughing. Fin paid for another round just to hear her laugh.

He managed to lure her away after a while, he'd spotted a photo booth and got her to pose with him for a picture strip. He smiled when he saw the result. Amanda would love them he thought. They then tried the crane game. Fin was the most excited as they managed to grab a furry little thing and it dropped down the dispensary. Fay had probably been more impressed had it been a unicorn. They went on to a crane that snagged you candy and again Fin was more excited once they managed to grab something since he was in need of a snack.

Fay's interest seemed to wear off quickly after that and once he picked her up she almost immediately fell asleep against his shoulder. He'd forgotten about her nap and he got her out to the car to put her down in her car seat so she would be a little more comfortable. He propped her head up with a small pillow Amanda kept in her car and then he drove off. He drove by a drive-through and got himself a coffee and a donut. He bought one for Fay too in case she would wake up and then drove into a lot so he could snack while checking his phone. No text from Cragen. It was past 4:30 by now and Fin started to worry about her chances to fly home tonight. He figured there must be night flights though but what if they wanted to recall her tomorrow? Something Hall surely would set up just to torment her even more. Fin's thoughts started to pull him towards a place where he didn't want to be right now, not when he had Fay as his responsibility.

He shot her a look through the back mirror. She was still sound asleep. Just a look at her made him leave that dark place and he smiled as he finished his donut. He started to think about what else he'd like to do with her. Go swimming would have been fun seeing how fond she was of water but he hadn't brought a bathing suit for either of them. And it was probably more convenient once the weather had picked up, all indoor swimming pools he knew about demanded membership which he had none. He ended up just driving around for a while and then parked along the river down by Amanda's neighborhood. He sat there just watching the water as his phone finally beeped.

'She's done. Nothing about being recalled.' The text from Cragen read. Fin checked the watch. 5:17. She should be able to make it home tonight he thought to himself. 'You know how she held up?' he texted and soon got back 'No. Sure she did excellent though.' He jumped a bit as Fay suddenly started whimpering in the back seat.

"Hey there," he said as he turned back to face her. Her eyes were glossy and she rubbed her nose with her fists in that familiar way she did when recently awaken.  
"You slept well?" he asked but she started crying again and reached for him.  
"Hold on," he said as he not so limber moved so he could reach back to unbuckle her. She kept whining as he struggled a bit to reach but finally she was free and he brought her back in the front seat. She cuddled up to him as she kept whining just slightly. He rubbed her back gently.

"Mama," she whined and he patted her back a little before his hand went up to stroke her hair.  
"I know, I miss her too," he said. Once she had enough cuddle, the whining stopped and she was back to being herself, she sat up a little and had a look at him.  
"What you staring at?" he smiled. She had the same intense stare as her mom. Like she could see right through you. But that stare on a toddler was somewhat creepier. She quickly smiled though and pointed at him like she got exactly what he'd asked her. He grabbed her wrist and gently bit her hand as she tried to save her finger from his mouth. She giggled hard and soon had Fin chuckling too.

"You contagious you know that?" he smiled as he let her go and started to poke her in the belly. She tried to do the same at him but had a hard time seeing how ticklish she was and every poke he made had her retreating. After a while she launched at him and hugged him tight so he couldn't poke her.

"Smart move. Hugging as a defense. You should teach that to our forces," he smiled as he wrapped his big arms around her. She was restless after her nap though and soon started squirming on his lap. He let her play with the wheel and buttons around it for a while. He let her honk once. Okay twice but then he did say no. They got out and had a stroll down by the water. It was a familiar sight to Fay, Amanda brought her hear often in the running buggy. This visit though they had a different pace. Fin let her explore the sidewalk but made sure nothing funny went into her mouth. He lifted her up on the railing so they could watch the water as a boat went by. It was a party onboard and they all cheered and waved at the two on land. Fay waved back with a big smile as Fin's hands were busy holding a firm grip on the little one. No involuntary swimming tonight. They kept walking for a bit but then Fin decided it was time to head back home. He got Fay up on his shoulders on their way back to the car and she had fun alternating smashing his bald head with her palms and trying to cover his eyes with her tiny hands. Once he had enough of her blindfolds he brought her back down in his arms and tickled her until happy tears were pouring out her eyes.

"You cheeky cheeky girl," he chuckled as he strapped her into her car seat again. They were only a few blocks away from Amanda's but as he didn't feel like cooking he took a detour to a restaurant to pick something up. He thought about eating there but he feared Fay would fuzz, not that she usually did, but Amanda was so good at averting any major tantrums and he feared he wouldn't be. So they ended up getting two take-aways, one from the children's menu and one from the regular. Back at home he quickly checked her diaper as he took her sweater off and when she passed the check he got her situated at the table. She seemed hungry as she slammed her spork on the table.

"Hey keep the lid on will ya. You're dealing with the substitute here," he said as he got her bib on. She was only interested in food though and kept slamming the utensil with a big smile on her face. He cut her food up in small pieces and slid the plate over. When he came back over with her water she was already stuffing food in her mouth. He shot her a smile as he went back to get his own food ready. He was hungry but as he sat down opposite Fay he checked his phone first. Almost seven he determined and sighed.

"So Fay, you think mama is on her way home?" he said and shot her a look as he put his fork in his food. She just gave him a smile and repeated 'mama' with a mouth full of food.  
"Yes, I hope she's on her way home too. We should try and call her but let's eat first okay?" Even though he wasn't so pleased with his food selection it went down rather easily anyway. Fay had started out a fast eater but now was mostly playing with her food it seemed. Amanda would probably not let her but Fin just smiled as he could clearly see how she was making roads in the left over and her spork was clearly the vehicle going through them.

"I'm imaging a new Aston Vanquish, what do you see Fay?" he asked as he leaned his head in his hand on the table. She gave him a quick look and then a smile before she went back to running her spork across the plate. He checked his phone again. He wished she would call, or at least text. He kept watching Fay for a bit but then decided he couldn't wait any longer. He got Fay cleaned off and put her down on the floor so he could clear the table. Once he was done he checked what Fay was up to and found her by her unicorn collection in the bedroom. He stayed in the door between the bedroom and living room and speed dialed Amanda. The call seemed to get disconnected and he tried again. Four rings, five, he started to think it would go to voicemail but then she suddenly answered.

"Amanda?"  
"Yeah, hi," she sounded distant but Fin figured it was his conception. He could hear people around her.  
"You at the airport?" he asked with a bit of excitement.  
"Yes. I missed a flight but I'm on stand-by for the nine o'clock," she let him know. It sounded as she managed to go somewhere a little quieter as the background noise faded slightly.  
"You want me to come get you?"  
"No, no. I might not even get on it. I don't get it, it's Thursday, it shouldn't be full but apparently it is. Just my luck," she sounded bummed.  
"Let's hope you get on it," Fin said. It sounded rather lame but he just felt like she was in need of a glimmer of hope.

"How's Fay?" she asked and Fin turned and looked at the kid.  
"Fine. She's fed, playing with her unicorns right now," he let her know. Amanda remained quiet on the other side so he continued.  
"We paid a visit to Ken, we went to this playground and I got quizzed by some Stepford moms. Totally bizarre. And we went to an arcade, she's not that skilled in skee ball just yet but she got a furry thing with the claw," he thought he heard Amanda chuckle once but he wasn't sure. It could have been something else. There was a silent pause.

"How was your day?" he asked a little hesitant. There was another pause and he could hear a couple talking in the background. The voices soon disappeared though and were replaced by Amanda's weak one.  
"Okay." It wasn't that informative at all and Fin couldn't settle with it. He gave it a thought and then;  
"You were up on the stand for a long time?" He had to wait for the answer but then he got a 'yeah' and the tone of her voice and the tiny crack in just that tiny word told him she was still shaken up by today's event.

"You stood your ground?" he knew he didn't have to ask.  
"Yeah. Yeah" her voice sounded a little more secure the second time around.  
"Are you sure you don't want me to come pick you up?" he asked again to make sure.  
"Yeah, just get Fay to bed. I'll make my way home."  
"We'll be here waiting," he felt like he wanted to say more. Make her understand just how much he'd been thinking about her today and how much he wanted her back home.  
"Okay, I'm gonna go get something to eat," she said and sounded like she wanted to get offline in a hurry.  
"Okay. You do that. Fay sends her love, she misses you," he said quickly.  
"Okay, bye," she'd hung up before he could say anything more. He listen to the dialtone for a while but then put his phone down. He walked in to the bedroom and like Fay sensed it she got up and folded her arms around his legs in a hug.

"Precious," he whispered and got her up in his arms to give her a proper hug. She let him go after a while and planted her palms on his cheeks and pushed them together a little.  
"My precious," he said and tried to do his Gollum voice. She just smiled though.  
"You wanna take your bath?" Fin asked with his cheeks still pushed in. Fay nodded but didn't let go off his cheeks until they were in the bathroom. He let her struggle to get her jumper off for a while and then lend her a hand once she got stuck on her own ears.

"You're doing much better with that though," he said and gave her a nod, "racing towards independence right?" She was really becoming a big girl. Eating on her own, starting to undress herself and Amanda had told him the pediatrician had said she might be ready for toilet training already. Fay was soon in the tub and they made a whole mess in there, splashing water everywhere. Fin wished afterwards he'd gotten undressed too cause his jeans was soaked. Fay fuzzed a bit when it was time to get out, she had too much fun in there but he easily distracted her and soon she was dried and in her pajama. She wasn't ready for bed just yet though and they started with a floor puzzle in the living room. That way Fin could watch some TV on the side which he thought was a sweet deal. Fay didn't mind because she wanted to control the pieces anyway.

Luckily there was no problem putting Fay to bed like usual. She did repeat 'mama' a few times as they were brushing her teeth and Fin thought she wanted to know where she was and he tried to explain it in words that a seventeen month would understand. He did the airplane with his arms but that only made Fay giggle. And the being in Atlanta part just seemed to confuse her. He finally settled with 'she'll be home when you wake up' and then let her flush before she sprinted to her mom's bed. She chose what book she wanted to listen to and then they settled in next to each other. She clearly forgot at times her mom wasn't by her side. He caught her wanting to twist her finger in her hair a few times but Fin couldn't offer her that even if he wanted to. Once she poked him in the eye as her finger sneaked up and it made them both giggle and lose focus on the story for a second.

As he flipped the last page of the book for a second time around she was fast asleep. Fin stayed there for a while just enjoying her peaceful snooze and having her near. It was rare he spent time alone with her so it felt special. When he felt himself close to falling asleep himself he decided it was time to get her into her own bed. He carried her over and made sure she was properly tucked in before he tip toed out of there. He shut the door just a bit, took a stroll through the kitchen to get a snack and then sat down in front of the TV. It had been a good day with Fay. It was just why he was alone with her that troubled him. He felt like calling her again. He figured she was still nervously waiting for word if she would get on the plane or not. To distract himself he used her laptop to get online to play some computer games before he tucked himself in. He got down in her bed after he'd made sure Fay was doing fine in her crib.

He would be sound asleep once she came home some time after midnight and he didn't hear anything until she turned on the shower. He looked up to find her bag by the door and settled back down knowing it was her and not a burglar. He tried to keep his eyes open wanting to see her but the shower seem to run forever and his eyes fell shut after a while even though he fought hard. The next time he woke up it would be as the bed shifted slightly as she lay down on the other side of it. She'd turned off most of the lights so he could only see her silhouette. She seemed to be facing away from him, towards Fay's crib.

"Hey," he whispered as he reached for her. His hand landed in still wet hair.  
"Hi," she whispered, keeping her back to him.  
"Flight go okay?"  
"Yeah." He kept his hand still in her hair. He could smell her fresh scent. He was tired but wanted to talk to her, make sure she was okay.  
"You okay?" he asked.  
"Tired," she answered.  
"You wanna go to sleep?" he asked but knew it was stupid question.  
"Yeah."  
"Okay, we'll talk tomorrow," he said hoping they would. He saw her pull the covers up over her a little more and he slowly pulled his hand back. He wanted to hold her. Hug her. Tell her he loved her and everything would be okay. That it was over and she was safe. But for some reason he just couldn't.

**Just an hour later** they would both be woken by Fay that woke up from a nightmare and started crying loudly. Amanda was used to her nightmares but because of her exhaustion she was slow to respond this particular night.  
"I got her," Fin said quickly and saw his chance to be of some relief. He was quite surprised himself that he managed to get up out of bed so quickly. Fay had her arms out and howling by the time Fin reached her. She usually made her way over to Amanda herself but this particular dream had monsters under the bed so of course she didn't move. She quiet down quickly as Fin picked her up and she buried her tear drenched face in his protective shoulder. Even though she settled down nicely in his arms as he hushed her gently and rocked her a little he got swapped the second Fay noticed her mom in bed.

She started whining and reaching for Amanda and Fin knew it was no point. Amanda was half awake anyway and reached out to take her as Fin sat Fay down on the bed. Fay quickly disappeared down below the covers next to her mom and in her safe embrace. Fin made his way around the bed and laid back down. Fay seemed to fall right back to sleep once in her mom's arms. Now that Fin's eyes adjusted to the dark he could clearly see her face. He reached out and put his hand on her arm that was stroking Fay's head. He didn't hinder her from doing that though but traced his fingers up her arm and to her face. She hadn't met his eyes with hers until now. As he put his hand on the side of her face, gently swiping one of his fingers down below her eye only to confirm what he thought he'd seen, her eyes came up to meet his. Her eyes and cheeks were puffy. She'd obviously been crying. She felt damp under his touch, the hair still not completely dried and then the tears.

"You okay?" he asked with a whisper. She seemed to give it a thought but then just a hint of a cheerier disposition came upon her face as she hugged her daughter a little tighter.  
"I will be," she let him know.

**XXX**

**The next chapter will be a flashback to what happen in Atlanta between Amanda and Shane. I apologize in advance for the language in that chapter. Shane is not a likeable fellow as you've probably already figured out.**


	22. What happen in Atlanta

She let her eyes wander over the crowd. The smiling, happy, dancing people in their smart outfits. Her eyes went on over the not brilliant but ambitious band up on the stage. The front man was urging more people to join them and the ones who heard him on the dance floor cheered. Amanda looked around though and concluded there was no way they were talking any of the benchwarmers up there. The band should be lucky with the few people they had on the dance floor. Most of the uniforms in this room were not the dancing types. They would not strut their stuff on the dance floor. A spotlight hit her eye and drew her attention to the roof and the decorations on the walls. For a moment she was back at one of those dreaded high school dances that she'd attended in this very room not too many years ago.

She'd liked high school though. Mostly because it gave her a reason to get out of her fucked up home for a while. Kim turned thirteen that summer before Amanda started high school and with adolescences Kim's problems got really out of hand. Their mom had been absent most of that summer because of a new boyfriend that wasn't that fond of kids and Amanda had to handle Kim mostly on her own. That was nothing new though. Kim had been a weight on Amanda's shoulder ever since she was born. But she'd been a lifeline too. A reason to hang in there. To fight. And there had been a lot of fighting going on. Between the two sisters. Between her parents. And then there had been numerous bad boyfriends of her mom's that Amanda hadn't gotten along with.

Sure her time in high school hadn't been all care-free either. Was it for anyone? But she was lucky to be a part of a crowd. She had her girls in the softball team. There was some drama within their group but nothing as bad as the fights that would always be spread over the entire school once some of the cheerleaders or football guys were at it. No her crowd had been cool and such a blessing to be a part of as the rest of her life felt suffocating.

A familiar old song started playing on stage and it brought Amanda back to one of those high school dances. They always made her nervous. So much anticipating in school the weeks before a dance. Who would get asked, who you would dance with and what would you be wearing. Such trivial questions but in high school it had felt so important. She'd mostly gone with a group of girls from the softball team. She'd never been one of the popular ones but she'd been asked to dance a few times. And she'd been asked to the go down to 'the lab' a few times. Oh that lab. It was not really a lab but a supply room to the chemistry room. 'The lab' was the indoor version of 'under the bleachers'. A famous make-out spot but the teachers and janitors never seemed to get wind of the fact. It could hold up to five couples if placed right.

She was far from a regular in there, matters of the heart had never come easy to her. But she had been asked in there once. Tommy Mason. She got a little warm even now just thinking about him. He played baseball. Gorgeous in her eyes. Dark hair, blue eyes, tall and athletic built. First baseman. She'd seen him play often. Never told anyone she had a thing for him though. He'd asked her to dance first. Amanda could tell you exactly where she'd been standing once he asked her, it wasn't far from where she was standing right now. His hair had been combed slick to one side. He looked very sharp in his black pants and white shirt. The baseball guys were wearing bow ties for some reason she couldn't remember now. It had been a slow dance about half way through the dance. She'd hesitated once he'd asked, felt some shyness sneak upon her. But her friend Jessica had said yes for her and pushed her forward. She'd blushed but hoped it was hidden with the bright lights flashing.

He'd been a head taller than her which had been perfect for once she'd finally been able to relax and they let go of each other's hands and just stepped closer into each other's arms. She'd been able to put her head against his chest and it had seemed they were built for each other. He'd gotten her some punch after the dance and as he later excused himself to go to the gents the rest of the girls had come rushing over to her wanting to know everything he'd said and done. She hated being in the center, always had, but being around Tommy made her forget all about that. He'd asked her to the lab and she'd hesitated not wanting some reputation to be easy or anything but since she really wanted to she'd gone with him. It had been as exciting as playing 7 minutes as a child but this time she'd actually been kissed. And what a kiss it had been. They were a couple after that dance but unfortunately it wouldn't last long. Summer came and suddenly Tommy was moving away with his family. Something about the father getting a new job in another city. All the dreams she had about Tommy being her high school sweetheart and being her first was crushed in an instance.

That summer had been devastating. Not only had Kim's acting out escalated, giving her trouble with the law, it had also included a not so nice new boyfriend of her mom's. Amanda tried to shake all the thoughts away and decided to join the crowd she hung around these days. She found her squad where she'd left them as she had fetched them a few new beers from the bar. She handed the beers out and dove right into the conversation they were having. This was a cool group, one she felt proud to belong to. She felt just as home as with her team back when she actually was in high school and just not visiting its premises.

They were at a very different kind of event this particular evening though. Once a year the Atlanta PD held a function where they celebrated special achievements and stand out members of the police community. It was a black tie function and the higher ranks wore their sharp looking uniforms. All the penguin suits and uniforms looked a little out of place here in this high school gym but props to the decoration team. They had made if feel very grown-up and the tables had been beautiful set with white linen and chandeliers. Now that the dinner was over the scene, that earlier held the higher ranks, had been cleared for the band and the space in front of it had been cleared as a dance floor. They had started with just music for ballroom dancing but as the night went on a lead singer had joined the musicians on stage and now they were playing more old rock n roll classics.

Amanda had been on this function once before a couple of years ago. You had to get an invite though but even then it was up to your captain if you could go or not. This year her squad had a special mentioning since they busted a large operation earlier that year. So her captain, Sam Reynolds, had ordered them there. And in formal wear too which she had tried to talk her way out of or at least to let him wear her uniform but since none of the others were she had to cave. So she was now in this little black number. Well maybe not so little but to her anything that showed any part of her legs was 'little'. She'd borrowed a dress from Kim which was stupid in itself but the only dresses she had in her wardrobe were summer ones that didn't really held the standard this event asked for. So she'd tried some of Kim's dresses and they'd decided on this black one that ended just above her knees, with shoulder straps but didn't plunge too far down in the neckline. Of course though it had been enough to get mocked by her fellow squad members. Not the really bad mocking though, she was one of the guys by now and they knew when enough was enough. Teasing was a way of coping with the harsh reality they dealt with in their line of work. It was normal within the group, she'd gotten used it by now and gave right back.

The only thing she didn't get used to though was deputy chief Shane Hall's looks and slurs. Not tonight and not any other day. She'd learnt to stay away from him though and she'd managed to slip out of his invitation to dance tonight rather smoothly if she could say so herself. Her partner Kevin had said 'burn' though so maybe she'd been a little too explicit. But she didn't really care, there was no way she would dance with that guy. She knew that would be an open invitation to get fondled, everyone knew, so it would be more on her than him if she took him up on the invite. That reputation she did not want.

So the dinner was over. The food had been good, the speeches a bit boring but it was an open bar and by now the room was getting buzzed quickly. They had tomorrow off but she still didn't feel like getting wasted among all the big and important suits. She wanted to at least be able to go for a run before lunch tomorrow so this might be her last beer for the night. She was feeling all that wine she had for dinner and now the 2nd beer she had afterwards so she didn't really need any more anyways, she could say she'd been partying. But if the guys wanted to go somewhere afterwards, and the deputy chief wouldn't tag along, she might be easily persuaded to join and have another beer or two.

There were only two guys in the squad that had significant others so those had been the only ones on the dance floor so far. But then someone suggested they would all get up there and suddenly she found herself kicking of her inch high heeled shoes and swinging her stuff around with the guys. It had been really fun. Felt a bit like when the girls in her softball team had invaded the dance floor. It felt good to goof of a little.  
The whole evening had been fun. They'd been up on stage to accept the reward which was a nice plate for their squad room but also a few benefits like a free dinner and a free seminar out of state. Not too shabby for a job they counted just as important as all the others they did every other day of the week.

She'd swiped her beer on the dance floor so she could rumble around freely without the bottle and they had all lasted a few songs now but people were starting to drop off to the side. She didn't feel like getting too drenched so she decided she had enough too and gathered her shoes from the floor and shook Kevin's hand off her arm so she could get out of there. He wanted her to stay but she shook her head with a smile and he let her go with a disappointed but still kind look on his face. She was in need of a bathroom and headed that way but had to turn as Cameron, another squad member, shouted her name over the music.

"You going to the bar?" he asked once she turned around. She shook her head.  
"The ladies," she shouted back at him.  
"Get us another round on your way back hey?"  
"Ya'all 'fraid he'll catch you for the drunk you are ey Cam?" she grinned at him and chuckled when that earned her a playful finger.

She kept chuckling a while as she headed over the room with her shoes dangling in her hand. She liked how the floor felt underneath her soles. She remembered a time when she'd crossed this gym barefoot before, more than once. She could see the line to the ladies room in the locker room even from a far. All the high rankers had their wives with them. All of them in nice dresses that they seemed perfectly comfortable in and they all made her feel subconscious. She didn't feel like standing in line with them so she changed her route. She knew this school and knew where to find another bathroom. She headed out the main doors and walked down the hallway, passed row after row of lockers. She nodded at two uniforms that were standing out there with glasses in their hands chatting. She tried to walk extra upright so they wouldn't think she was all drunk with her shoes in her hands and all. She threw a glance over her shoulder at them but turned quickly as she saw one of them looking after her. She smiled a little. He had totally been checking her out. Perhaps she wasn't that shabby looking after all she thought to herself with a smile.

She turned the corner and found the door she'd aimed for. The gent's room next doors had an out of order sign on the handle. She smiled as she remembered a time when her team had flushed the guy's locker room after flushing down their sport bras in their toilets. It had been this vendetta about something that Amanda now couldn't remember but they'd decided the guys should have to pay so that was the payback. There was a reason it was the sports bras but Amanda couldn't for the love of her life remember why right now. And it had been a dumb idea anyway because the principal had known it was them after finding twelve or so sports bra down the guy's drains and they all got detention for a month. But it had been so much fun seeing that flood.

As a juvenile you really didn't get that it could cause serious, and costly, damage. That sign had been up for a couple of weeks and she kept smiling as she sneaked in to the familiar ladies room. She took a look at herself in the mirror. Her hair was a bit of a mess from dancing so she put her fingers through it after she'd placed her shoes beside the washbowl. She didn't wear much make-up but had still managed to get some mascara below her eye. She wiped it off easily and then straighten her bra strap just a little since she saw it peeking out as she leaned towards the mirror.

"You slut you," she told herself with a smile and headed towards the last of three stalls on the opposite wall. She always used that one if it was free because it had the best writings and carvings on the wall. She sat down with a disappointed face as she saw that it didn't look like when she'd been a student here. It looked like they'd replaced the walls completely. She could understand it though. They'd been covered with scribble. She swiped her hand to the left of the toilet paper. Right there had it been a heart with 'Tommy + Amanda' carved out. Tommy had sneaked in and made that. She had an old photo of it somewhere among her packed up things in her mom's basement. Her mind wandered to Tommy and she wondered what kind of person he was today.

She was interrupted as she heard the door outside open. She wished she'd brought her shoes in. Now that she looked down she couldn't believe she was in the bathroom without any shoes on. This floor could have pee on it or something even worse. What had she been thinking she scolded herself as she stood up to flush the toilet. She straighten her pantyhose and made sure her dress was properly down before she stepped outside. She stopped immediately though as she saw who was in there with her. Deputy chief Shane Hall. With a whisky in his hand that he now took a swipe off. She would learn later that it was whisky as his breath reeked of it when too close to her face.

As soon as she'd seen him she got a premonition this could end bad. Something in her gut told her danger was present. There was a slight chance he'd taken a wrong turn but she didn't think she would be that lucky. She knew he was drunk, he always got too drunk, so she figured she'd be able to take him if there would be a struggle but she hoped it wouldn't come to that. He was the son of the former chief of police. His aunt was married to a state senator or something like that. She knew everyone who'd crossed him had landed in a bad seat. The woman she'd replaced had left, according to rumors, because of this man that Amanda now was standing together with in a very small space.

"Took a wrong turn there deputy chief?" she asked once she gathered herself enough and she walked over to the washbowl furthest away from him. He didn't answer, didn't even look at her. She kept a wary eye on him in the mirror as she washed her hands. He kept his eyes down on the glass he was holding on to and she wondered just how drunk he was. She tried to stay focused and collected but her head was racing. Possible scenarios played out in her head even though she tried to push them out of there. Why had she shattered from the herd she kept asking herself. So stupid. She couldn't wash her hands forever and finally turned the water off. The container with wash cloths where on the wall to her left but she didn't feel like turning her back to him. She shook her hands in the air a little instead.

"You're doing okay there deputy chief?" she asked as the silence were uncomfortable. She kept hoping mentioning his rank would get him to snap back from whatever was going on in his mind. She finally turned towards him. She knew her shoes were right by his side but she figured she could leave them and then just have someone fetch them for her if necessary.

"Why didn't you want to dance with me detective?" he suddenly slurred, still not looking directly at her. She folded her arms in front of her. So he had felt burnt when she turned him down she thought to herself and wished she'd handled that differently.  
"I just don't really do dancing sir," she tried and tried to sound casual.  
"Liar," he said very short and swirled his drink around in his hand. She wasn't sure how to answer that.

"I don't know what you mean sir," she asked once he didn't say anything more.  
"I called you a liar," he said and she did not like where this was going. She knew she should not provoke him right now even though in any other situation she would be at his throat by now.

"You're a liar cause you say you don't do dancing but still I saw you strutting your stuff out there with Kev, Lewis and God knows who else you straddled." She felt her nails dig into her own arms as she felt a bit of fury growing in her gut. She didn't take kindly to either strutting or straddled. She would not take that from anyone else and she didn't feel like taking it from him either.

"I don't do ballroom dancing," she said and kept it short.  
"More of a pit girl eh?" he said and for the first time really looked at her. More starred though, with a evil looking grin over his face. He took another swipe of his whisky and kept watching her over the rim of his glass. He irked her big time. She kept from saying anything back in response to that.

"I'm going to go back to my squad now sir," she said but hesitated slightly. She'd already figured the space to his left, between him and the last stall, was wide enough to get her through if she just turned her shoulders sideways a little. But there wouldn't be much room. She decided to give it a try and took a few steps towards him. He shifted slightly to the side though and it was all he needed to do to get her to retract again.

"Look sir, all I want is to go back to my squad right now," she said but didn't like how weak her voice sounded so she tried to shape it up.  
"And all I wanted was one lousy little dance with you," he said and looked at her like it was the most natural request in the world, "that ain't seem to be happening either."

"Look sir," she started but stopped abruptly as she saw him raise his hand and swing the glass at her. Okay not really straight at her but she still flinched as the glass went flying by her and hit the stall door to her right. She covered her eyes with her hand as it crashed and split into heavy pieces all over the floor. The sound of the thick glass breaking echoed around the small space. As it ringed out she looked at him with wildered eyes. She took a few deep breaths as she'd apparently held her breath during the glass throwing. It came so unexpected. He'd kept his head down ever since he let the glass go and was now shaking it.

"One lousy little dance. You can't even give me that. What's your problem Rollins?" he said and looked up at her. She'd backed up as far as she could, she could feel the wash cloth dispenser behind her.  
"Okay let's go out there sir and have that dance. Okay sir?" she tried. She heard how out of breath she sounded. He just shook his head.

"It was one lousy littl' dance and you couldn't even give me that. Winding me up the whole night. That skimpy li'll dress. I saw you looking at me at dinner. Wheeling me in only to stand me up like that. And I fell for it all," he sounded delusional to her.  
"Sir I," she tried but he kept ranting cutting her off.

"Liar and a tease. I've seen plenty like you Rollins. Cockteasers. Department's full of you'all," he took a step to her and she got scared she wouldn't get out of there. No not scared, more frantic and she knew she had to try and make a break for it now before it got too late. She aimed for the now even smaller space between him and the stalls. His arm came up though and she crashed into him. He pushed her backwards and she felt like whatever strength she had didn't count for much. It literary felt like everything was going in slow motion for a while. She heard herself beg him to let her go. She felt a big piece of glass underneath her foot and stumbled as she tried not to put her weight on it. She felt his one hand pushing against her stomach as the other one had a grip around her right upper arm. His whisky breath was close to her face and the smell felt just as intrusive as he did. She felt him take a deep breath underneath her left palm that was pushing against his chest.

And all this as they kept moving backwards towards the wall that she'd just left. The time seemed to go back to normal as she felt the wall slam into her back so hard she lost her breath for a second. He hadn't been ready for the wall either though and the impact made both of them bounce slightly off. She tried to make a break to the other side of him and managed to twist her arm out of his grip but as she tried to get around him he grabbed a hold of her and this time as he pushed her back up against the wall she slammed her forehead into the cloth dispenser and she saw only black with bright lights in front of her eyes for a minute.

There might have been more than a minute actually. The ringing in her ear brought her back and as it quiet down she started to get a grip of the situation again. Her left side of her face was pushed up against the white cold tile. She felt the cold tile through her dress too and the front of her thighs. Then she felt him. He was using his head and chest to pin her head up against the wall. His hip pressed down above hers and his knees was digging into the back of her thighs making her completely stuck to the tiles. She felt her left hand pinned down against the wall with one of his and his other hand was pushing her right shoulder into the wall. She tried to swallow. Gathered as much sense back as she could. Her head hurt. Especially the top left side of her forehead.

"Sir?" she managed to squeeze out as it seems they were just standing there.  
"Shut up," he sounded out of breath. She could feel every breath he took. Again they just stood there. The silence only broken by the still faint sound of the ringing in her ears.  
"I'll dance with you," she tried. She felt his hand move just slightly against her shoulder.

"Too late," he whispered. She tried to remain still. She had to restrain herself from not fighting back, fearing she would freak out if she tried to get lose but couldn't. Freak out was something she couldn't afford right now. She tried to tell herself to stay calm and regain some power until he made his move. If he wanted to take this further - Oh God how did she end up in this situation? - he'd have to let her go just a little at some point and then she would be ready. His hand came up over her shoulder and he squeezed it slightly. The position he had her head in made her look straight down on her own shoulder and she could see his fingers move in tiny circles by the side of her dress strap. She heard him, and felt him, take a deep breath.

"Sir, I promise if you just let me go I'll," she didn't get further when he suddenly made a move with his hip. He pounded his crotch straight into her, so hard it made her lose her breath briefly. A sob escaped up her throat and she had to fight the urge to cry for a few seconds until she could compose herself again.

"You'll what?" she heard him breath just by her ear. The whisky on his breath so strong she would forever detest that smell. He was so close she could feel his cheek against her ear. His hand moved and all she could do was look straight at it as his finger wandered in underneath her strap.

"You'll go out there and tell everyone how you've flirted with me the entire night?" His finger played underneath her bra strap for a while until he slowly started to pull it down, along with the dress, over her shoulder. Now she really felt like crying.

"You'll tell them how you asked me to come with you? To this secluded bathroom. How you told me you wanted me in a stall. How you wanted me to ravish you," she could hear the grin on his voice.

"No," she breathed and tried to shake her head. She felt him let go of her left wrist and instead he grabbed a hold of her hair so he could move his mouth down to her neck. She felt his tongue on her neck and she cringed. She tried to move away as his mouth went down her neck and down to her shoulder but that only made him dig harder into her hair and the tiles pressed harshly against her face. She tried to get her hands back on him, push him away somehow or punch him. But she couldn't reach him enough to do more than just fumble with his jacket.

"No?" he breathed with a grin on his face. "So you wouldn't tell them how you seduced me?"  
"It's not true," she sobbed not able to hold it in any longer.  
"So what would you tell them then princess?" he came up in front of her face and looked at her intensely. She'd seen his true colors before but this was pure evil. He was enjoying this way too much and it made her doubt she'd get out of there before this escalated.

"I wouldn't tell them anything," she said and managed to sound strangely collected. His eyes grew small for a second as he watched her. His eyes went from her eyes down to her mouth. He took forever until he made a move. But then he put his lips down to her shoulder again, this time very softly though, almost something caring about it.  
"So you wouldn't tell anyone what happen in here?" she heard him murmur against her shoulder.

"No, if you let me go…" she started but she quiet down as he looked back up on her. He had that evil grin over his face again. He was just winding her up. She realized he had no intention of letting her out of there. She bit down on her lip and tried to think clearly as his mouth came up to her temple. He kissed her there and then went down over her ear. His tongue found its way inside her ear and again she cringed.

"I'm not letting you go," he whispered with his mouth right by her ear. "You've teased me long enough." His hand went down over her chest and somehow he managed to get down in-between her and the tiles she was pushed up against. His hand came down inside her bra and he squeezed her breast roughly to the point it hurt her immensely. She tried to get her hand up to grab him or scratch him but he pinned it down with his arm somehow and how much she even tried to get to him she couldn't. His hand worked her breast harshly while his mouth was down on her throat sucking and biting on her skin. She didn't want to but started whimpering.

"Shut up. You know you like it," he said into her skin as his mouth worked its way up to her ear again. She thought about screaming. Why didn't she scream? Why did she feel unable to scream for help? The school was filled with law enforcement.

"This is what you dream about. What y'all police cunts wants." He pulled his hand up and for a second she felt relief having that harsh treatment stop but then she felt his hand tug at her dress as he pulled it up over her thigh. She tried pushing herself from of the wall by using her hands. But however she tried she wasn't strong enough to push him off her and soon she felt his hand on the inside of her leg. She tried to push her legs together but he used his legs and hand to spread them. Again she heard herself whimper as his hand came up in-between her legs and he squeezed her most private part. She heard his evil chuckle in her ear. His fingers dug into her pantyhose and she felt the thin material rip way too easily. He tugged harshly to rip a big hole over her crotch and then he stuck his hand in there. He found his way in underneath her panties and she cried as his fingers reached her. He'd stopped snickering now and instead had started breathing heavily as his crotch rub up against her back.

"You're not going to like this. I'm not going to treat you like a princess, princess." He ran his tongue over her cheek as he pushed two fingers inside of her. She felt paralyzed. As his touch poisoned her, left her unable to control her own being. So this was what it was like? What it was like to be raped? For a moment she felt oddly calm and collected. She could breathe, she could focus. So this was why you shouldn't get yourself drunk in the company of a predator? Because you wouldn't be able to fight him off. So this was why you shouldn't dress in a skimpy outfit? It would give him easy access to your body. It wasn't right but right now it felt like the only truth she knew.

His grip on her most private part intensified and a wave of pain brought her out of her own thoughts. Then suddenly he pulled out of her and she managed to open her eyes again that she'd supposedly clamed shut. She felt some of the pressure against her lower half ease up and she realized this was the moment she had been waiting for. But she'd wasted her energy and her legs felt numb from the pressure he'd put on them. He was still holding on hard to her hair but she still tried pushing herself out of the wall with her palms to the tiles. She wanted to use her heels, aim for his knees like she'd learnt in defense classes but she wasn't able to lift her leg up high enough. She tried hitting his chins but it didn't do enough harm and only seemed to bug him making his grip in her hair harden.

She wasn't sure what he was doing but she had a hunch. He growled at her to behave but when she didn't he slammed his side up against her and again she found herself pinned up against the tiles. He'd let her hair go though and she had a little more room to move. She managed to get a glimpse over her shoulder and she saw him as he was getting his pants undone. She knew she had to get away now or it would be too late. She gathered everything she got, put her palms close to her body and put her knees against the wall as she pressed back at him. She felt his body buckle and she was about to roll behind his back when he spun around and grabbed her by her hair and arm and slammed her back up against the wall. She never even got a sniff of freedom before she was stuck again.

"Can't run no more princess," he hissed into her ear as he had her face pushed into the tiles again by holding on harshly to her hair. She felt his hand grope underneath her dress again. He was tugging at the already ripped hole to get it wider in the back. She tried fighting him but it felt futile. All she heard was his heavy breathing in her ear and her own pathetic whimpering that she couldn't stop. This could not be happening. His hand was tugging at her panties, the fabric digging into her flesh as he tried to rip them off. Then he suddenly stopped. She didn't realize this at first though and kept squirming underneath his still firm grip on her.

"For fuck sake didn't you see the out of order sign," he suddenly spoke with anger. Amanda got her eyes open and she could see through the mirror the fuzzy outline of a person standing by the door. Shane was still holding on to her hard. She held her breath, wasn't sure why she just didn't scream out for help.

"Can you give us some privacy," Shane said next after having thrown a few looks over his shoulder at the newcomer. His voice sounded less angry this time. Amanda gasped for air and the air got caught in a few audible sobs in her throat. She felt his grip in her hair harden for a second but his other hand had disappeared.

"Privacy?" he repeated and Amanda felt his body leave hers a little and the grip in her hair loosen some. Shane obviously tried to make it out to be something consensual going on in there. She could now focus enough on the shape in the mirror to see it was a woman in a dark dress and with dark hair. She wasn't moving. Amanda felt her breathing go down a little. It felt as though she'd been saved but she wanted free from his grip. She managed to get her palms up on the tiles. She tried pushing herself out a little and when she felt Shane's body give way without a fight she held her breath and turned towards the stalls. She felt his hand in her hair slip out as she took a step away from him. She kept her head down and planned to just move out slowly but as she felt her freedom she couldn't help it and rushed towards the door. She felt the other woman looking at her but she didn't dare to meet her eyes. The other woman stepped to the side so Amanda could get out of there. The woman had black opentoe highheels on. Amanda had time to register her toenails was painted in a dark red shade. Then she was out of there and she ran quickly down the hall to the exit.

She didn't stop running until she reached her house. She rented a place upstairs from this little ol' lady. It had its own entrance by a side latter and she ran up there. Not even when she'd locked the door behind her did she feel safe enough. She put her back to the door and slid down sobbing like a mad woman. She crossed her legs and folded them to her as the void in her pantyhose became very apparent and uncomfortable. She would sit there for a very long time until she finally was able to control her weak and sobbing body. She got up, put everything she'd worn in a plastic bag that she hid in her closet and stepped into the shower where she remained for a couple of hours. She would a couple of days later give the newly washed dress back to her sister and toss the rest in the trash can but for now all she wanted to do was try to get her head around what had happen.

She wasn't sure what do to. Part of her wanted to report him, nail his ass to whatever public place she could reach the fastest but the other part, the bigger part, felt just so small and scared. She knew he had power upstairs. He would twist it. He'd say she seduced him in some weird way and she'd seen innocent women before getting the tables turned on them. She knew it could happen. And even if she managed to convict him the reputation would always be there. There would always be people in the force who'd look at her and wonder if perhaps maybe she didn't do something to deserve what happen to her. She wasn't sure she could take that. Her entire life she'd just wanted to be left alone, to stay out of the spotlight. Which wasn't easy when you had a mom like hers. And then a sister who started to act out already in primary school and whose reputation spread to her older sister as well. Not to mention her dad, she didn't even want to go there. Her sister's involvement with drugs became a hassle when she started out as a cop and Kim always managed to drag her sister into her messes.

No, Amanda had enough drama in her life already. She didn't need this either. As she looked at herself in the mirror the day after she felt nothing but cold. The cut in her forehead that probably needed stitches but was now taped up. The left side of her jaw was bruised. So was her left wrist, she had dark bruises on the back of her legs and small lacerations on her hips where her panties had dug in as he tried to rip them off her. How she managed to save the bottom of her feet from that glass was beyond her. They were just sore from running barefoot home. No, she decided no one would see her like this. No one. Ever.

**_Jennifer Camp_**

Jennifer Camp had never considered herself a brave woman. No she worried constantly about her detective husband, never took a fight against Sally who was the brutal president of the parent-teacher group nor did she fight her battle for her rightful place in the grocery store line once someone cut. She'd fled many scenes where her conscious told her she'd chicken out or did wrong and it had given many dollars to the collection at Sunday mass. But she knew the instant she saw that young woman so harshly pushed up against the bathroom tiles that this was a scene she could not flee. To this day she wasn't sure what had made her not even flinch as that man yelled at her. No this was not a scene she would flee.

Just like Amanda, Jennifer had tried to avoid the long line to the bathroom and as she wasn't that much in need and felt like catching some air anyway she decided to take a stroll around. Her son would soon attend this high school so she figured it could be fun to have a look around. She'd seen the out of order sign on the bathroom door, turned to keep walking but there had been something. She wasn't sure if she'd heard something or if it was that seventh sense she believed in that got her to turn back. She'd known exactly what was going on as she stepped inside. Nothing that man said would make her believe this woman wanted this to happen to her. The way he was holding on to her, but foremost the pure panic in the young woman's wildered eyes as she tried to look over her shoulder.

Her heart had been aching as she saw that young blonde woman with blood running down her forehead sneak by her. But then she'd turned her attention back to that awful man and starred him down with as much disgust as she could send his way. And he'd fumbled with his pants and buckle, murmured something about it going a bit overboard and then she'd made him get around her as he walked out. And she hadn't crumbled once. Not even as he'd left and she realized she could have been a victim too did she regret anything. She'd gotten the shoes of the side of the washbowl and headed straight back in to find her husband. She'd brought him to the side, showed him the shoes and told him what she'd seen.

**_Jeffrey Camp_**

Jeffrey Camp was by all means a righteous cop. Sure he'd bent the truth a little at times, cut some corners but he knew right from wrong. His heart was in the right place. As a cop he knew how to hold his head calm as he listen to his upset wife and what she'd seen in the bathroom just now. He asked her if she could ID the two and Jennifer remembered seeing the blonde woman up on stage earlier tonight. She'd told another cop's wife how much she liked that woman's dress. She'd fitted in so well with her all male squad even in a dress. Jennifer looked around the room and got her eyes on Shane who was now back at the bar downing yet another whisky. Jeffrey had known though as his wife pointed the deputy chief out that this wouldn't be such a clear-cut situation to sort out.

After he made sure that the woman that he figured must be detective Rollins from special victims, who'd he'd encountered on some sting operations and thought of as a great cop, had walked out of that bathroom on her own he told his wife he would deal with it. He'd been quite surprised about the persistence his wife showed as she didn't feel all that comfortable about no cuffs being slapped on that man right at this instance. He should be in jail she'd told him. And he had agreed but just told her that it was a bit more complicated than that. His wife had asked him then if he figured that woman was to blame in any way and she'd looked very angry with him. He'd told her he didn't think anything of that sort but he was afraid the detective could be in even more trouble if he did something irrational right now. Jennifer had settled with this even if she wasn't happy with it.

The next day Jeffrey had called Captain Sam Reynolds and asked for a meeting. He'd handed over Amanda's shoes to him and told him everything his wife had told him. Jeffrey knew Captain Reynolds had a good reputation and he trusted him to handle it the way he saw best. Jeffrey knew Shane Hall well, he was happy to have him out of his squad, and he knew Reynolds would be in for a fight if he chose to bring it on. Either way Jeffrey trusted Reynolds to see detective Rollins got the help and support she needed after what happen last night in that bathroom. And both Jeffrey and his wife was willing to testify if it was necessary.

**_Sam Reynolds_**

Sam Reynolds had a good reputation in the police department. He'd gotten to his position by earning it, not like some who sneaked up the latter with manipulation or connections. Sam considered himself to be a fair person with a good sense of what was right or wrong. He'd learnt to take battles as he climbed the latter but this was a battled he'd seen coming and felt a nervous turn in his gut as detective Camp told him about last night's events as his wife had read them. Yes Shane Hall was well-known, not only because his father was the former chief of police for the Atlanta PD but also for clashing with coworkers, especially the female ones. He was rude quite frankly, had an old school view on female cops that surely was triggered by the fact he felt inferior to probably anyone on the force since he knew he'd gotten to his current position thanks to his father and not on own merits.

But Shane Hall wasn't stupid. He could perhaps even have gotten there on his own but he was lazy and spoiled. He had friends on the force but that was probably thanks to his connections too. Hall senior had a good reputation, Shane did not. Nothing of this you could read in his file though. His dad had paid off many people to keep his son's record clean. Sam didn't know for sure but he had a feeling his last female detective on the special victims force, Janet Hollister, had left because of the way Shane treated her. She only lasted for a couple of months. She'd never said anything to Sam about Shane, just that she wasn't cut out for the job.

But Shane had a reputation to get touchy feely with the females in the force and numerous complaints from women working the streets. The sad truth was that the latter group Shane could easily dismiss because of their line of work. The women on the force were harder to dismiss though. That's were Shane's fathers money and influence came in handy. There were rumors floating around that he'd actually knocked one up and she was bought off with a house out of state. And this was when he was still married to his now ex-wife. Another rumor said a former assault victim of his was now working security in some mall after Shane's father turned everything around on her and she couldn't get back on the force.

And now Amanda was his latest victim. Sam had feared this. Putting her on a force with Shane in the midst had even been something that he'd put on the list of reasons not to bring her on. But she'd proved herself to be tougher than she looked when they got to borrow her from patrol for different decoy missions. She could easily pass for a teenager if they set the room right and she didn't mind risky situations. She had a good vibe around her, was known to have a sense of humor which you needed in this line of work. The guys liked her and not just cause she was easy to rest your eye on. No she'd proved herself to be just as good, and striving to be better even before she came on. She had ambition that girl. She was special.

Sam had been smitten that he couldn't lie about. He was married though and he would never stray. But he did catch himself looking at times and did daydream about a different situation, a different time for the two of them. He didn't have the best of marriages and when times were especially rough he caught himself thinking Amanda was the type of woman he should have gone for. So this situation was very hard for him. He took it personal. He'd hinted to her when she started to stay away from Shane, not one of Sam's proudest moments, but it had seemed she'd already heard the rumors. Sam knew she'd worked some sting operations with Shane when Shane was still on vice.

Shane had been through most departments by now. Finally a promotion seemed to be the only thing left when no one wanted him. Sam hadn't been happy having him as his deputy chief though but at least Amanda had seemed to hold her own. Sam tried to have her back without getting too much of a papa bear whenever Shane got a little too foulmouthed around the squad room or off duty. Sam had heard several of his squad members stick up for her as well. Shane had a way of indirectly send slurs Amanda's way in a way Sam detested but they were hard to address and Shane seemed to always have an excuse up his sleeve. He was slick.

But Amanda was tough. She held her own and even Shane seemed to have gotten used to Amanda in a way. Like he let her be a part of the group. Four years with his force now and she was a very valuable member. He felt sick when thinking about what had taken place at that event last night. An event he'd forced his squad to attend and he'd even talked Amanda in to dressing up. She'd looked stunning in that dress. He'd caught himself looking at her several times during the evening. He'd seen her last with the guys liven up the dance floor. She'd looked like she was having fun. He'd left soon after though since his wife had one of her usual headaches and wanted to leave. He wondered now if he could have stopped Shane had he stayed. Another thing he would hold against his wife in the future.

He tried calling Amanda but she didn't pick up. Not on any of the five times he tried. Late in the afternoon he got a text from her with not much to be read between the lines on how she was doing. She simply wrote she saw he'd called but she was busy with family but that he should text if she needed to come in. He knew her family, especially her sister, a little too well. Her father also had a record but he'd never met the man in person. Sam knew Amanda tried to stay clear of her family as much as possible so using them as an excuse told him that is was just that, an excuse. He fought an urge to drive over to her place. He knew where she lived, he'd been by a few times. Mostly just to drop her off but he'd been inside twice for a beer. They'd had a beer and talked. She was very easy to talk to but his wish to take it a step further seemed to always make the situation a little bit awkward, at least to him. He hoped she'd never picked up on it though. He texted her back that things were cool for now but he wanted to see her in the morning. He took the night to think about how to handle the situation.

**The next morning** though he wasn't that much clearer. He really needed to talk to her. He drove by her place but either she wasn't answering or she was already out. Once at work Cameron let Sam know Amanda was out with Kevin to try and shake out a potential suspect in a case they were working. She managed to avoid him the entire morning but right after lunch he caught her in the squad room though and called her in. She looked as usual, perhaps just a little bit pale and she had a wary look over her face.

"You avoiding me?" he asked as he closed the door behind them.  
"No, sir," she said with her back still to him. He decided to close the blinds a little and rolled the peg between his fingers. He caught her anxious look over her shoulder as he turned back towards her. He came up by her side and they faced each other. Her hair was out which was somewhat uncommon. He tried to figure out her state of mind by looking seriously at her. She gave him nothing. He decided trying to lure her to say something wouldn't be futile and he needed to play out his cards head-on. He reached up to see if she had a wound on her head or not but she flinched immediately. His heart broke a little with that scared face she momentarily got as she'd shied away from him. Had Shane broken something here? Something that couldn't be fixed?

He let his hand linger in the air as she quickly calmed down. When she came up to her previous position he kept moving his hand carefully forward so not to spook her. He gently swiped her bangs away and was sadden but not surprised when he saw the skin toned tape that hid the cut. She avoided his eyes when he let her go and looked at her.

"Detective Camp's wife brought your shoes in," Sam said calmly and hinted to the plastic bag on his desk that held her evening shoes. Amanda kept avoiding his eyes.  
"Can you tell me what happen?" he asked and hoped she would start talking. Now that he looked at her closer he could tell she had some powder on her face. Like the foundation and stuff his wife used but he'd never seen Amanda wear before. He scanned her face, looking for covered up bruises.

"Amanda?" he asked once nothing was said in a while. Her eyes were moving all over the place but never landed where his were. She'd grabbed a hold of her left wrist earlier and his trained eye told him she was hiding something. When she didn't say anything he reached out for her arm and when she struggled it only made him so much surer.

"Captain. Sir," she tried but he still pulled her arm to him and firmly but not too harshly pulled her sleeve up. The anger grew in his gut when he saw the bruise around her wrist. He tried to catch her eye but she kept avoiding his.  
"Do you have more?" he asked and tried to get his head in front of hers so he could try and get inside of her mind. She couldn't avoid his eyes any longer.

"I'm fine captain," she said but could hear how uncertain she sounded. She pulled her arm to her and pulled down her sleeve. She met his eyes straight on and hoped that would convince him.  
"Do you want to file a report?" he asked and she immediately shook her head.  
"No, absolutely not sir," she said and she felt sobs luring down her throat.

"Amanda," he started and felt so bad seeing her like this, "Detective Camp told me what his wife saw. What Shane did to you…" She cut him off by shaking her head and she walked of, over to the window behind his desk. He followed but stayed by his desk and leaned down against it.  
"I'll help any way I can," he said and took a deep sigh. He knew this would get messy but he didn't care. She turned around and looked at him.

"I'm not filing a report captain," she said and tried to sound as steady on her voice as possible.  
"I can't just let this go Amanda. We can't let him keep doing this," he said.  
"We? We," she shook her head, "I'm not going to start this torch line. I'm not," she said and folded her arms around herself. She needed to breathe and took a few deep breaths.  
"What if he tries it again Amanda? What if no one walks in?"  
"I would have fought him off. He was drunk. Nothing would have happen," she said and believed herself.

"Something did happen Amanda. He hurt you and he had no right to."  
"I'm fine captain. Honestly. I need to get back out there, Kev and I brought a suspect in," she started for the door but he stepped in her way and she shied away in a very, for her, unfamiliar way. Sam shook his head as she backed away from him. This was not the Amanda he knew. She was trying so hard to hold it together but she felt nothing like herself today. She needed to get out of there.

"I have to go sir," she said and tried a new path to the door.  
"I'm talking to him Amanda," he said to her back.  
"Fine, you talk, I'm not pressing charges," she said and left his office. Sam took a deep breath and tried to get his own emotions in check.

When Shane walked in for his shift later that day Sam had called him into his office. Sam had tried to keep his emotions down as they talked. It hadn't gone that well. But Shane had folded quite easily which took Sam by surprise and put a weird twist to the conversation. Shane even shed a few tears. He told Sam that his drinking had gotten out of control since his wife left him and now that the divorce was finalized he'd started to feel depressed and very alone. He told Sam that he still didn't have a place of his own to live at, how his life was really down the drain. Sam did feel a wee bit of sympathy for the man but he still remembered why they were there in the first place and he managed to get back to what had happen Saturday night.

When Sam asked him about it Shane came clean and said he'd probably crossed a line thanks to the alcohol. Then he'd changed his mind and said that he certainly crossed a line and that the alcohol made him think Amanda had flirted with him and that he probably picked up the wrong message from her. He seemed shameful when he admitted he didn't have a clear perception of exactly what had happen in the bathroom.

Shane switched from probability to certainly with the shift of a hand and Sam got a suspicious feeling he was being played. And then when Shane mentioned his father's name and how they had a long talk yesterday about how Shane needed help with his alcohol issues Sam knew for sure he was being played. Shane told him that his father had seen to it that he got enrolled in a substance abuse program starting next week. It was an outpatient program so it wouldn't conflict much with work. Shane mostly kept his head down in a shameful manner but now he looked Sam straight in the eyes, still with a shameful gaze, and said that that was of course if he still had a job.

Sam hesitated and Shane took the opportunity to tell him that he would of course apologize to detective Rollins and he would never ever go near her again. Shane asked him to just call Rollins in and ask her. That Shane wanted the chance to apologize to her and if she didn't accept his apologue he would take whatever punishment the captain felt suited the crime he knew he had committed. But he wanted at least a chance to make amends for it.

To this day Sam would regret ever listening to Shane and not taking actions as he should have. He would call Amanda into that office and give Shane the opportunity to ask Amanda for her forgiveness. What Sam didn't know was that Shane had gotten to her earlier that morning. He'd already apologized but he'd also added, imbedded with the sob story about his divorce and his abuse issues, that he hoped she would understand seeing how her own sister was right now submitted to the Second chances institution. He told her he knew her sister had a prison sentence to serve if she didn't complete the program this time around. He also let her know in so many words that his father was one of the major contributors to that institution, that he had influence with the staff there and how his dad hated to see the lost causes even though there would always be some who didn't want to be saved or get better.

So now that Amanda stood as far away as she could from Shane, she'd turned down the offer Sam made to have a seat. Her gut was filled with anger but her self-sacrificing need to keep her sister out of harm's way made her push it down as best she could. Shane pleaded his case once again, this time even more elaborated, and then he asked her to forgive him. Sam turned to her and asked if there was a chance she could accept the apology. As he asked it he heard how ridiculous it sounded. If this had been anyone but Shane Hall, the son of the former chief of police, he'd been arrested now and probably sustained a few minor injuries to his body since he attacked one of their own. Sam watched as Amanda nodded but at the same time he saw the hurt playing all over her face. Sam asked again if she truly felt it sufficient enough that Shane enrolled in a substance abuse program for the harm he'd done to her. He watched her bottle her feelings up once more before she was able to nod. He felt bad as she saw how close to tears she were.

Sam felt like a coward but he also feared for Amanda's career if they did not settle this with Shane. The fact that is was Amanda maybe should have made him fought harder for her but it was also just because it was her that he didn't. His emotions were clouded when it came to her. This would forever be the biggest mistake he made in his career and he would never forget the sick feeling in his gut as he saw the disappointment in Amanda's eyes before she turned and walked out of his office. So when years later he got the chance to make amends he jumped at the chance with no hesitation. He didn't pay one thought to risking his own job or reputation. All he could think about was finally getting the chance to bring down Shane Hall and, hopefully, be able to feel he did Amanda right.

**_Present day_**

The entire flight was nerve wrecking. It wasn't the flight that bothered her though. It was the destination. She was flying back home, yes Georgia was still and would probably always be home to her. Even with everything that happen there, all the bad things. Thankfully she had all the good things to come back to once this was over with. She tried to keep her mind from going down the destructive rabbit hole and just think of what Fin and Fay might be up to in New York. Once the plane landed though she didn't feel ready at all and had a hard time just getting up out of her seat. There was a gap in the aisle and she managed to get up and followed the slow moving queue of passengers towards the exit. A bit of panic threaten to spread from her gut as the man behind her came a little too close for comfort but it eased up once she exited the aircraft.

Since she had her bag with her she headed straight past luggage claim and towards the exit. Anxiety grew with every step she took towards the exit and what was awaiting her as she left the airport. She scanned the arrival hall quickly with her eyes and saw Sam wave as he spotted her too. Her mood changed quickly though as she saw her old partner Kevin by his side. And then when he without any hesitation wrapped his long arms around her in a warm hug she for a moment felt completely calm. She'd been blessed with many good partners over the years on the force but Kevin was one of the really, really good ones. Up there close to Fin. She could always count on him to have her back, he was easy-going and they had a lot of common interests. He was, just like her, very athletic and enjoyed running and climbing and didn't mind her tagging along.

He took the back seat with her as Sam drove them into town and she appreciated that he tried to keep her chatting to distract her even though she could see the reason why he did this. He demanded to see photos of the 'lil one and he went through every one she had on her phone. He got to see Fay diaper dancing in a clip too and it got Kevin laughing. He said she had her mom's moves and it earned him a slap on the arm. As they reached court though he had to work hard to keep her distracted. They went in underground since the press was waiting on the court's steps. Amanda had hoped she could just go up on the stand once she got there but they wouldn't call her until after lunch as previously stated.

Kevin hung around to keep them company. Sam had fixed food to be delivered and they had a room to themselves in the back or the actual courtroom. Amanda had a hard time keeping her thoughts from wander a couple rooms down though and eating didn't go that well. Kevin had done his best to keep her occupied but had probably felt he wasn't that successful any longer and probably did best to let her be. He asked if she wanted him to stay, asked if she needed another familiar face in the room but she shook her head and she didn't have to explain why. He got it and didn't take offence. He let her know that a couple of guys from the old squad would be at Appelbees, a place they knew Amanda liked, later on tonight if she had to stay the night. And if not he'd see her around. As they hugged each other goodbye he whispered 'he's already down, all you have to do is finish him, we all have your back'. Yes Kevin was truly one of the good ones she thought as she watched him leave.

As the clock kept ticking she started pacing the room. She could tell Sam felt awkward and his attempts to calm her were futile. She would be calm once she was back on the plane to New York. Suddenly a bailiff knocked on the door and the wait was over. No return. Sam walked a step behind beside her as they followed the bailiff to the court room. She felt his hand land briefly on her back as he derailed to take a seat on the benches. She followed the bailiff up the aisle and kept her head down as she felt all the eyes that turned towards her. She made the mistake of looking slightly up as the bailiff held the gate open for her and of course the one pair of eyes she met was Shane's. He looked old. Older than she remembered. Perhaps he was just tired? Worn down. Good. He tried to smirk but she could tell it didn't really reach his eyes, he wasn't feeling so secure he wanted to let on. It made her feel just a tiny bit better.

The bailiff got her attention back by gesturing her forward. She might have jerked a bit but the man had the kindest smile on his face once she looked up at him and she managed to send him one back. She took a deep breath as she stepped up into the stand. This courtroom felt so very different than the ones she had visited lately in NY. This room felt bigger, more old school with a railing out of wood around her witness stand. She tried to keep her eyes away from the crowd on the benches. She couldn't handle intrusive, curious eyes right now. She focused on the bailiff and the oath he made her repeat before he asked her to have a seat.

"Are you sitting comfortable detective Rollins?" She got a bit taken by surprise by the judge's question. He looked like the stereotype of a judge. Older, bald head, glasses. Kind though. He had kind eyes she reflected on. She gave him a nod and an awkward smile. She managed to say 'thank you' and then looked back down on her hands.

The room fell completely silent. She couldn't even hear a car outside the windows, perhaps there wasn't even a road out there. She couldn't remember right now. Someone moved down by the benches and it creaked. Her eyes wandered down the room even though she didn't want to but she spotted Sam quickly. He shot her a smile and she took a deep breath. A chair pulled out and got her attention. The AD rose and he too shot her a quick smile. She felt unable to smile back and just tried to stay calm and collected. She needed to do this. Just get through it. Face it. Bury him.

"Detective Rollins. Thank you for flying down here," the AD started. Amanda just nodded a little.  
"I know this isn't the most pleasant reason for you to come back home but I'm going to try and make it as easy for you as possible," he paused to get her acknowledgement. She knew this was just a show, he needed to come off as the good guy, but she still appreciated it. He reminded her of Barba in some ways. He had a heart, it was just buried a little. He went on to ask her about her present job and it felt good to be able to talk a little, steady her voice, before she had to go into the more embarrassing stuff. She knew she would have to sit there and tell everyone about touches on her behind. Could you say ass in court? Behind was probably more appropriate. She had to tell about the decoy wiring and his hand on her breast. That time she'd slapped his hand though. But how did she explain all the other times when she hadn't done more than give him an evil eye. Would they think she didn't mind? That she deep down had liked his attention? Would they get it had been a slow process? That he'd pushed her limits a little at a time and played mind games on her. That he made her doubt what really happen. Made her question herself and her part in it. Maybe he was right?

"Detective?" She got pulled by her thoughts when the AD raised his voice the second time he called out her title.  
"Yes?" she said right after she swallowed hard.  
"Are you ready Amanda?" he asked and she twisted the question in her head. Was she? Was she finally ready to deal with this and get on with her life? To stand her ground and trust that the legal procedure would do its part? Was she ready to tell it like it was? Tell her truth?

"Yes. Yes I am," she let him know and took a deep breath.


	23. Aftermath

Amanda had always been good at running. Running as in jogging and quick on her feet. But also good at running from people, situations and even her own feelings. When things got too hard to handle she ran. When feelings overwhelmed her she literary ran. Most people would probably be surprised if they knew this. It wasn't the impression she gave at work. She was the one that confronted you, got in your face, that jumped first at a chance to get down and dirty, and that at times seemed a little bit too eager. But when it came to her private life it was a whole other ballgame.

Since she could remember running had been her defense mechanism. She could remember running out of the house when her parents fought too loudly. She was good at running away in her mind too. Put music on loudly in her headphones to drown out shouting and slurs. She read to Kim when their household was tumbling down, when they had no books around she made up wild stories that took both of them to magic kingdoms in made up parts of the world. Once Kim got a little older they were back to physically running again.

When Kim shoplifted and there was no way out but run Amanda dragged her away from trouble. She tried to teach Kim right from wrong but she just didn't get it. Amanda had probably been the first one that figured out something was wrong with Kim. She lacked some essential insight that her actions actually affected other people. It wasn't like she was evil, she just didn't get it. Even when she meant well she managed to screw it up. So running was a good thing for her too at times.

Amanda ran from her feelings too. She could remember running away after her first kiss in second grade. The good feeling when her classmate's lips landed on hers scared her and she ran. She could have a bad practice and be so darn hard at herself, managing to stay put till it was over but then running away as fast as she could. The few times she actually thought about it, cause that didn't happen often either, she could count numerous other times when she'd fled a scene in one way or another. Her pregnancy had been one of those big denials. She kept her mind occupied with other things but Fin, and the fact her body started changing, made her have to fess up to it finally.

What happen in Atlanta with her deputy chief had been another thing she tried to run from. That time with help from the perpetrator himself. He threatened her sister and her recovery. It wouldn't be the first or last time Amanda put her sister's needs in front of her own. So she ran, she ran from the scene and then she left the state hoping it would stay behind her. But it didn't. It caught up to her. It became something she couldn't run from any longer. Sam didn't let her. Cragen didn't. And Fin didn't. The weeks before the trial had been awful but she got through them by having the most adorable kid and the support of her partner. The trial itself hadn't been fun but she got through that too. She'd decided to not crumble on the stand but she'd been close a few times. All those eyes staring at her as she had to admit to intimate fondle and recite his dirty words. And then having to go back to that crucial moment in her old high school's bathroom.

The AD had been attentive though and he called a break once he could see it got a little too much for her. He knew she had to go through the defense lawyers redirect also and was anxious that she held up through it. The defense lawyer had tried to twist her words, tried to dig up what little dirt there was on her record and then use her family's bad record to incriminate on her. But to no use. The AD made sure to object whenever not vital information was brought up and he got the judge to agree with him every time. Amanda just focused on breathing as calmly as she could and try to avoid looking over her perpetrators way. And she got through it. She had to wait a while in the court house until they were sure they didn't need her back on the stand. She had a feeling it was all Shane's doing, him still trying to get a final dig at her, but she could have just been paranoid.

While waiting Sam let her know there was someone there who'd like to meet her and Amanda had mixed emotions when she saw Jeffrey and Jennifer Camp enter the room. Jennifer, who had been the one that walked into the bathroom as Shane assaulted Amanda and who actually saved her, quickly walked up to her and gave her a hug. It took Amanda a little off guard but it didn't feel as bad as she had anticipated. To be hugged. And it had given her the opportunity to thank her which felt a bit embarrassing, perhaps the notion she actually had been in need of saving, but also good. She'd thanked Jeffrey too as she shook his hand. Amanda didn't think he knew but Jeffrey had actually been the one that walked in on another confrontation Amanda had with the deputy chief.

She was going to wear a bug as she went in to a sting operation and somewhere in the middle of getting wired up Shane made sure they were alone in the bus. She was only in her bra as he told her he would help her plug in the device. She'd turned him down with the excuse she could do it herself, only then had it dawn on her they were alone in there, but he had insisted. His hand had landed on her breast at some point and she'd slapped it away at the same time as she made sure her face told him he'd clearly crossed a line. He had, as usual, come up with some lame excuse but when she didn't buy it he got offensive. She'd felt a bit of panic in her gut as he'd grabbed her wrist, pushed her backwards and his hand again grabbed her breast.

At that time Jeffrey Camp, a detective on the vice squad that they were working with on this particular case, opened the door and Shane had immediately let Amanda go. The sting operation had demanded Amanda's attention and that interaction with Shane had been pushed back into oblivion like so many others with him. But now Amanda just felt it was something weird going on that both Mr and Mrs Camp at some point saved her. Anyway, it was nice to see them and be able to thank them. Mrs Camp was going to take the stand after Amanda to let the court know what she saw in that bathroom and it would collaborate Amanda's story since they had no other evidence of the assault. No photos had been taken so it was word against word. But mrs Camp and Sam would both give testimony to the events of that night.

And deputy chief Shane Hall would get sentenced. He would be found guilty on all charges. Of course the punishment wouldn't be equivalent to the crimes he'd committed but that was nothing new when it came to these kind of cases. He would get a shorter prison sentence and get ordered to pay damages to his victims – money all six women would donate to a charity that worked to stop sexual harassment in the workplace. But most importantly he would never ever work as a police again. One bad seed gone from the police force. If there had ever been an investigation on Hall senior and his involvement in his son's crimes it quickly got shut down. That was a can of worms no one wanted to open. Hall senior was still very much an influential player in Atlanta and even though his son's crimes tainted his record a little he would continue to be for many years to come.

Flying back to New York had felt good. To have it behind her even though the wait for the sentence dragged it all out a little. Job kept her busy and Fay kept her busy at home. That summer would be rather tricky though. Being with Fin felt just a bit awkward and she found herself withdrawing a little. She started counseling though and it wasn't that bad actually. She'd gone in with the intention to just sit through the sessions, get them over with since Cragen didn't let her run from them either. But somewhere down by the third or fourth visit she'd found herself opening up a little.

Dr Elizabeth Olivet wasn't one you could trick easily. She wasn't one that pushed you, not straight on anyways. But she had her ways to get to you. Once Amanda found out her previously set five mandatory appointments had become ten or more she realized she wasn't going to get set free until Olivet saw progress in her dealing with what happen in Atlanta. No more running from it. So she dealt instead. Amanda even found herself going slightly into the intimacy problems she had with Fin. Well, not Fin, she used Ricky as an alias because Olivet was after all a department affiliated psychiatrist. And, Amanda be darn, the sessions seemed to help after a while.

**Fin's summer** wasn't all that great either. He missed Amanda. He struggled with how to handle her after she came back from the trial in Atlanta. She never told him how it went in Atlanta and he never brought it up. Cragen told him the sentencing once that came in. Fin knew Amanda went to the psychiatrist though and it was at least something. He hoped it would help her and not for selfish reasons. For once he actually hoped for her sake it would help and not just so he could get back in the sack with her.

She took Fay up to a cabin in the mountains for two weeks during the summer. Some national park in Smokey Mountains or something. He missed them. It was apparently somewhere she'd gone before when she still lived in Georgia. The change of scenery seemed to do her good though. She came back looking as though she had a little less weight on her shoulders. She'd also came home and let him know she would move. Just to a bigger apartment though. She felt it was time to give Fay her own room. Fin tried to help but since he'd been in his own crib for the last 24 years the whole real estate business felt unfamiliar to him. He could help with the financial part though. Amanda needed to take a loan but the gambling addiction left her with bad credit so he stepped in and co-signed one for her. She turned down his offer to take the entire loan, he after all didn't pay any alimony for Fay, but co-signing she agreed to.

Finding a new place turned out trickier than anticipated though. She found a few she liked but they got bought by someone else under her nose or fell through in other ways. It would turn out to be a blessing though cause one day the perfect apartment fell into her lap. Ken got wind of his co-worker's parents that was moving upstate and wanted to sell their two bedroom apartment. Before it even got on the market Amanda got a chance to look at it and it was perfect. It was just a couple of blocks from her current place, and closer down by the waterfront which was perfect. Two medium sized bedrooms, a spacious living room that had an open planning to the kitchen which would hold a bigger table than the two-person she used to have. One big bathroom and a separate toilet by the front door. Large windows which let in lots of sunlight and it was on the second floor from the roof with little to none insight from neighbors. It seemed to have Amanda and Fay written all over it. And with Ken's connection they got to buy it with no hassle at all. A month before Fay's second birthday the moving truck went down the few blocks.

Nick volunteered to help and Fin had already recruited his friend Ricky and another friend of his. As Liv was at her desk when Fin and Nick talked about it Fin asked Liv if she wanted to help and perhaps bring Cassidy along. Fin didn't miss the sigh from Amaro, he wasn't fond of Cassidy, but Fin liked his old squad member and wouldn't mind hanging out with him this weekend. Liv said 'sure' and would let him know if Cassidy was up for it too. Of course he would be and with Fay temporarily at her babysitter's place seven grownups quickly emptied Amanda's place and got them into her new place. By two o'clock Amanda went to fetch Fay and stopped by the pizzeria to pick up five family sized pizzas for her helpers.

She met Liv in the hallway and happily handed over Fay to her so she could get the heavy load of pizzas into the kitchen. Liv got a brighter smile with Fay in her arms and put her up on the counter so she could take her jacket and shoes off.

"So this is your new home?" Liv said with excitement in her voice to the little girl. Fay shined back at her.  
"You'll have your very own room. With a big girl bed and all," Liv mused. Liv could tell though that Fay had gotten her eyes on Fin in the living room and she seemed eager to get over to him. She got her down off the counter once her shoes were off and surely enough she immediately ran into the living room and into Fin's arms. Liv watched with a big smile on her face as Fin swung the little girl up in the air before he brought her back down for a big hug. Liv chuckled as she heard the girl giggle as Fin started tickling her.

"You ever thought of one yourself?" Liv spun around as Amanda's question registered. Liv shrugged her shoulders a little as she walked over to Amanda that was getting a pizza sliced up. Liv took the slicer from her so she could get the rest in order.  
"I guess I've thought about it," Liv finally admitted as Amanda brought back a couple of soda cans.  
"You should. You're great with kids," Amanda said honestly.  
"Thanks," Liv said as her cheeks got a little warmer, "I guess I've just never met the right man to have one with."

"What about the one you have now?" Amanda asked and Liv shot her a quick look before her eyes wandered back into the living room. Right before Amanda arrived back Fin and Cassidy had managed to set up her music system and now they'd gotten some music on. Fay was down on the ground and Cassidy was doing some silly dance moves in front of her.  
"You talking about him?" Liv said and shot her a quick look. Amanda smiled a little.  
"He's the biggest kid of them all," Liv said and looked back. Amanda looked over the same way but her eyes quickly went from Cassidy to Fin who was making the exact same moves right next to him. 'Tell me about it' she wanted to say but kept it to herself.

"You could always do it on your own though," Amanda said as she fetched the last of the sodas from the fridge. Liv seemed thoughtful as she caught Amanda's eyes again.  
"I guess I could. I'm a bit old though," Liv pondered.  
"Bull," Amanda said quickly, "A woman in India was 70 when she had twins." Liv let out a loud chuckle.  
"I'm just saying," Amanda added and tossed her shoulders. They didn't get further as Cassidy came in, drawn by the smell of pizza. Before he grabbed a piece though he did place a kiss on Liv's temple. A small but sweet gesture of affection that Amanda of course picked up on.

"You're a good cook," Cassidy said as he took a bite and as he passed Amanda to grab a soda he gave her a light slap on her behind. Amanda froze for just a second and the next she met Liv's narrowed eyes. This was Cassidy, the easy breezy Cassidy and they both knew that slap meant nothing more than a thank you. But they both had Amanda's trial fresh in mind and it made them both wary. Amanda didn't want to be the sensitive type though and she tried shooting Liv a smile. It came out strained though, she knew it and could tell Liv wasn't convinced. Liv would later scold Cassidy for his action, even though it came from a good place he needed to be aware of what reprisals it could have. She would never address it with Amanda though and just hoped the younger detective knew she could turn to her if she ever was in need.

**So by Fay's second birthday** they were settled into their new apartment. Amanda invited Teresa, Ken and Alejandro over to celebrate the two year old and to see the new apartment. Fay was doing so much progress and Amanda was very proud of her sweet personality. She was running fairly well by now and she'd started to throw overhand a few months back which made Amanda see a potential softball player in her after all. And she was very active. You needed to keep your eye on her all the time if out because she had a habit of pushing her own boundaries and it landed her in some risky situation at times. Amanda preferred a kid that was forward and not shy though so it just made her proud she wasn't scared to try new things. But of course she wanted her in one piece though.

She was very social too and interacted good with other kids which was a blessing. She loved playing games were she got to run around a lot but if she was in the right mood she could sit still with paper and crayons for at least thirty minutes. And storybooks still captivated her but she needed to be in control of the pages which was a bit of a hassle in nursery school but thankfully she was easily distracted and far from a grumpy kid.

She was still mommy's girl and loved to be carried around but at the same time she was very independent too. She wanted to feed herself and she also preferred to dress and undress herself. She had both these task somewhat under control. The dressing one left her at times in clothes inside out and once the item was on you could not get her to change so it meant she often showed up in school like this. It was just not a fight Amanda chose to take and she was just felt blessed this tiny little person was a part of her life. Even with her clothes inside out she was perfect.

They had started potty training a while back and Fay was doing really well with not many accidents. Fin had been a good help which was mostly because Amanda brought home a book that caught his attention. "You gotta be kidding me," had been his response when she handed it to him. The book was 'Where's the poop?' and the title was enough to get him onboard. He was truly a big kid at times. He had fun helping but predicted they would all miss what he called 'saved by diaper'. With Fay being so active she often fell and her adventuress side landed her on the diaper clothed butt ever so often. Once she even got caught in the diaper and hung from a railing and it saved her from falling the rest of the way down onto the hard ground. But being without the diaper didn't stop Fay, when falling she just bounced right back up and continued her journey in this life.

Most relieving for Amanda had been that Fay finally said her 2nd word. They were packing Fay's things together before the move when she suddenly said 'unicorn' clear as day. Amanda got her to repeat it a couple of times just to make sure she'd really heard it. Amanda hoped she didn't overdo the cheering and scared Fay into silence again but she was just overjoyed and felt such relief. Fay would still be far from speaking fluently and would have a tendency to mispronounce words as she grew older but she was on her way and that was the important thing to keep in mind.

Another good thing with the move was Amanda found a new friend a floor down. Eva was her name and she was a single mother too but with two sons. She'd moved here from Chile when she was pregnant with her youngest. There had been too much violence around her and when her husband had been killed by a stray bullet she'd packed up her things and moved to… New York. Amanda had questioned her choice of city if she wanted to get away from violence but since Eva had connections through an uncle to a job here it had been the only way for her to get a greencard. And she'd found the city familiar in a way. She never went outside at night though and she kept her boys on a tight leash.

Her eldest, Esteban, was nine and even though he collected matchboxes not a future arsonist, Amanda had looked for signs. He was a cute kid with good manners and intelligence. Eva's younger son was named Johnny and he was the same age as Fay. Johnny was a little bit like Fay, a free spirit and the two combined played very good together but could also get in trouble together if they got to run free. A year from now they would get in some trouble when they wanted to play Eskimos and used Eva's fridge as an igloo while she was busy sewing in the back room. She was a seamstress and worked a lot from her home. Some of the food was salvageable and Amanda had bought some good meat for her even though Eva had declined any reimbursement. Escapades like that of course amused Fin.

Amanda appreciated having Eva in her building. They would have a coffee every now and then and could just sit and talk for hours. Not that their kids let them though. But those minutes they got were much appreciated by both of them. She figured Eva was a bit lonely seeing how she was mostly caught up in her own home. She never complained though. She always had a smile to share and Amanda could always count on her day or night. And with the job she had she needed someone like that. She tried to repay Eva by taking Johnny and Esteban out sometimes so Eva could work. Fin would also end up being a bit like a big brother for Esteban who had some trouble with bullies in school.

Amanda still had Nellie as a reliable babysitter and she'd found another one – Grace - in the neighborhood that she trusted and that Fay liked a lot. Nellie wouldn't be around for much longer though since she was probably leaving for the university next year and both Amanda and Fay would miss her terrible if that happen. Grace was in high school still but showed the maturity and responsibility of an older soul and Amanda trusted her with her daughter's life. They were two good students and often had time even if Amanda had to call the day before. As a single parent you appreciated things like that. Sure Fin was always there to help out too but when she was at work he was working too.

Fin had felt as though Amanda, and as extension of her Fay, had started to drift away from him but by Fay's 2nd birthday he started to feel like they were back in their old form again. They were intimate again and her past didn't seem to bother either of them that much as some time had passed since the trail. He had a few opportunities when he could have asked, perhaps should have asked, her about it all but he let them slip by him and he thought maybe it was for the best. She was still seeing the department psychiatrist and perhaps that was all she needed.

**Thanksgiving was coming up** and they were as usual invited to spend it at Teresa's place. But the week before the holiday they had to make a roadtrip up state to interview a family in regards to an upcoming trail. On their way back Fin's car broke down on a deserted road. After a check under the hood the diagnosis was oil leakage and they were now waiting for a tow truck to get them out of there.

Amanda growled for about the fifth time and jumped up on the back of the car. Fin had walked a couple of steps away from the car to distance himself from her. She was oozing bad karma and the chilly November air was getting to both of them. He heard her growl yet again and he sighed and crossed his arms as he turned around back towards the car. His troubled demeanor changed as he saw her up on that car though. Heels on the bumper, legs wide apart and elbows on her knees like a benchwarmer for a football team.

"What you smiling about?" she said with some snark that only added to the fact she clearly didn't enjoying being stranded on a deserted road in the middle of nowhere.  
"You sit like a dude," he said with a mischievous smile. She rolled her eyes at him and leaned back on her palms which only gave her an even more nonchalant guy feeling over her presence.  
"Whatever. At least I don't drive like a girl. Oil leak my ass," she said as she made a face at him. She looked down the road and when she looked back he was still staring at her.  
"What?" she said and sat back up as she felt a little self-conscious. She straightened her jacket a bit when he kept looking at her without saying anything.  
"What Fin?" she asked again as she couldn't take his silence right now. She was already irritated by being stuck there and the cold was starting to get to her a bit.  
"You look hot like that," he smirked. Her irritation changed to a confused smile in an instance.  
"Get out Fin," she grunted and stroke back a strand that had escaped her ponytail.  
"Really hot," he said.  
"Fin, we're in public," she said. He looked at her and then down the road both ways.

"Okay," she said knowing what he was hinting at. She took a deep breath and looked down the empty road before she turned to him again and said: "Well then why don't you stop acting like a girl and get over here?"  
Fin got an amused look over his face and uncrossed his arms as he slowly made his way over to her. She kept her legs wide apart so he could easily slip in-between them. He snaked his arm around her as he looked her face over intensely. She wrapped her arms around his neck and waited for him to get finished with the staring. It felt weird holding on to him out in the daylight like that, weird in a good way though. She unconsciously wet her lips as his eyes went over them. His eyes finally landed back on hers and he closed the distance between them slowly.

His lips felt warm against hers as they finally landed. Her hands went up over his scalp and she let her fingertips play slowly over his cleancut head. She loved how sharp every single hair felt under her fingertips. His lips tasted her ever so carefully. She didn't recognize this slow pace but she enjoyed it. Sure there had been times when he slowed down. When he took his time undressing her piece by piece, eating her with his eyes before he tasted her for real. But that was sensual and erotic building up to some frenzy most of the time. This was slow and with so much emotion from his side it threaten to overwhelm her. She kept her eyes open, which was rare when she kissed, and she met his eyes every now and then as he slowly kept tasting her lips. She feared a car would come driving by right now because she didn't want this to end. His hands had gone in underneath her jacket but he kept them still against her lower back, his fingers just rubbing her slightly but sending shivers through her entire body. Finally he separated her lips with his tongue and she came to greet him as he came inside.

She tried keeping her eyes open cause she wanted to see him but they kept falling shut as the desire grew inside her and the heat started to cloud her vision. He tasted so good she just wanted more and more. But he kept it slow and explored her mouth little by little. One of his hands came around to her front. She felt the back of his hand rest against her stomach above her shirt and then he started moving it slowly upwards. It came up between her breasts but didn't make a detour to either side like it usually did but instead it ran up all the way to her neck. His palm landed on her throat and his thumb drew tiny circles to the side of the throat. His hand came up over her jaw and she felt his grip tighten slightly as his tongue withdrew. He held on to her face as he distanced himself from her. His eyes again searched her face slowly. She didn't feel self-conscious under his eyes but she still blushed. He got a kind smile over his face as he picked up on her blushing. He let her jaw go and caressed her red cheek gently.

"You're acting weird," she whispered.  
"Do I bug you?" he asked as his finger ran over her eyebrow and down over her nose.  
"You always bug me," she grinned as his finger reached her lip and went on downwards. Her hands had sneaked down a little inside the back of his pants and she rested them against this warm skin getting some heat back to her numb fingers. His hand went down her throat again and landed on the rim of her button up shirt. She watched his face get a bit of cheekiness to it as he unbuttoned her top button. He went on to the second button.

"Fin, I'm not doing it out here," she let him know.  
"No?" he said and raised his eyebrow without letting his eyes go from the second button that he now undid.  
"No," she repeated and pulled out one of her hands from his pants so she could put it over his as he got down to her third button. She chuckled at the face of disappointment he made.  
"Someone can drive down this street any minute Fin," she whispered.  
"They would get a hell of a show?" he suggested and started to lean in as his mouth wanted to taste her neck but she put her palm to his forehead and pushed him away.  
"I don't give shows," she smiled at him.

"You've given me plenty of shows," he said and quickly attacked her neck so she didn't have time to stop him. His lips caught her skin and then he used his teeth to tickle her. She squirmed a bit but settled down as he stopped and just let his lips run up behind her ear.  
"Private shows are different," she breathed as his hot breath behind her ear send shivers down her back.  
"We could use the backseat for a private show," he suggested as his lips left her skin for a few seconds.  
"Not private enough." She bent her head backwards as his mouth started to wander forward over her throat. He placed a few kisses down her chest in the gap he'd made unbuttoning her shirt. His hand went up the outside of her legs and around her butt as his lips worked their way up to her mouth again.

"Well you better find somewhere private enough for you cause I'm going to keep bugging you until I can do you," he said into her mouth.  
"There's nothing but wood around here Fin," she proclaimed.  
"Wood would work," he said and bit down on her lip.  
"You seriously want to go into the woods with me city boy?" she questioned him.  
"I'll show you wood," he said and grabbed her ass and pulled her into him.  
"Desperate much?" she chuckled as his mouth traveled down to her neck again and nibbled at her skin. He kept going for a while as her skin tasted so good.

He finally came back up to her face though and he held her eyes for a while before he let his eyes follow his hand as it ran down the side of her face. She sensed this was something different and she looked at him as he let his fingers trace the side of her face. He came back up to her eyes again.

"It's nice to have you back. I missed you," he said quietly and she knew what he meant. It felt so good to hear him say it though that her chest got a little tight. He leaned in and kissed her gently. Such a soft kiss filled with emotions.  
"Let's get you back home to that daughter of yours," he whispered and gave her another quick kiss before he let her go. The only thing that could have made that moment even more special were if he'd used the term 'ours' instead.

**XXX**

_Right from the start, you were a thief, you stole my heart and I'm your willing victim. I let you see the parts of me that weren't all that pretty. And with every touch you fixed them. Tear ducts and rust, I'll fix it for us. We're collecting dust but our love's enough. It's still written in the scars of my heart. We're not broken, just bent and we can learn to love again. ~ Pink's Just Give Me a Reason_

**XXX**

**They were making slow** but steady progress to get back to their normal. Amanda had come back to her hold self in the squad room, not withdrawing so much as she'd been doing unconsciously since the trial in Atlanta. Her appointments with dr Olivet were spread out to once a month now and both Cragen and Fin were very pleased she was still going. She felt as though she was grounded again. She had a new apartment that she felt very comfortable in, she had Fay, she had Fin and felt as though she was back to her old self at work. Nothing seemed to cloud her mind finally.

But then something from his past would come back and give Fin a dark cloud over his head. Fin had a past in narcotics, he rarely talked about his undercover days but Amanda knew something big had happen that made him finally say 'enough, is enough'. She knew it involved a bullet that his partner took for him. The man who had blown Fin's cover and tried to kill him was Benito Escobar. He had died by the hands of another inmate at Attica State prison many years ago. She knew Fin felt no regret for him and Amanda agreed it was Escobar who had placed himself at the prison and gotten on the other inmate's bad side so Fin should absolutely not feel guilty for his death. However not everyone felt this way. Escobar's daughter Mimi had just been a teenager when her dad was sentenced to life and just barely in her twenties when he died. Escobar were a man without scruples, he'd used his own kids as drug mules before they were barely out of their diapers. His daughter had followed in his footsteps. Since Fin left narc he'd lost track of all of that though but fate or pure dumb coincidence would bring him back there.

In April they hit a prostitution ring and they managed to hit it at the same time as Mimi and one of her accomplices were there to deliver the weekly ration of drugs. Mimi recognized Fin and it seemed to spark a vengeance in her. In holdup she tried to frame Fin for sexual harassment but thankfully Amanda had been present during the entire arrest and transport of her and the others and could verify nothing happen. The accusation had been filed though and Mimi wouldn't give up there. She started threatening Fin, had someone mess up his car and drove by the station. It turned physical one night as he got knocked over the head with something, thankfully a by passer saw the initial blow and came to aid before it escalated.

The attacker got away though so they couldn't link it to Mimi even though everyone figured she was behind it. Fin was left with a slight concussion, a bruised ego for getting snuck up upon and it made him withdraw even more from Amanda and Fay. He'd let Amanda knew even before the attack that he didn't want her to come around to his place since Mimi sat outside ever so often and he wouldn't be seen in public with Fay in case Mimi would get any funny ideas about attacking someone close to him. It was really getting to him. He went straight home from work, didn't answer his phone and being on guard 24/7 started to drain him mentally and physically. Amanda saw it happening in front of her eyes and felt completely helpless.

Of course the squad had already tried to come to his aid. They'd talked to narcotics, Nick had used his connections since Fin's mostly had retired by now. Mimi was a smart cookie. She'd inherit her father's wicked mind and made sure her tracks were covered. A few years ago narcotics had made a big bust but Mimi had managed to slip through their fingers while many of her accomplices had gone down. This meant Mimi the last couple of years had built up almost an empire and she sovereign many blocks in Bronx. She was now in her thirties and had major street cred. Many had tried to take her down but she remained standing and now that narcotics really got on her case it seemed to only fuel her animosity towards Fin.

Amanda feared that Mimi would try and take Fin out as a payback for her father's death. And with the state Fin was in she feared he would be an easy target or perhaps he'd turn the tables and do something stupid that would land in him a shit load of trouble.

"Fin… Fin. Fin!" her third yelp snapped him out of his thoughts.  
"You're hurting me," she managed to say as he stopped pounding her with the previous intensity. She was able to easy up on the firm grip around the sheets at the same time as his harsh grip in her hair eased up. She'd clutched the sheets harder as the delightful feeling of having him rear her from the back went over to painful as he seemed to get lost in frenzy. She'd liked it to begin with, some pain could be very erotic, but as her arousal turned to fear of actual physical harm she felt a need to make him ease up a bit. He'd seemed unable to reach first though and as his careless grip in her hair increased, bending her head backwards harder so the angle of his erection inside her grew increasingly painful, she felt a bit of panic. So she scolded his name and finally she seemed to reach him.

He stopped the repetitive motion as quickly as he was able to, let go of her hair and withdrew from her. He fell down on his back to the side of her panting 'I'm sorry' over and over again. She fell down on her stomach panting just as hard as he was.

"You didn't have to stop," she panted and reached out and placed her palm on his sweaty chest, "I just needed you to ease up a little." And that was all she really wanted him to do. She truly didn't mind some pain. He'd covered his eyes with his hand and he shook his head a little. They both needed to catch their breaths and remained quiet for a while. Amanda rested her cheek on her hand as she let the other one slip off his chest. Her eyes went over his naked body that was gleaming of sweat. He was still sporting a slight hard-on, his stomach and chest were rising and declining rapidly and she could only see part of his jaw cause of the covering hand over his face.

She'd felt numb in her lower regions but now started to get some sensation back and could feel the effect his hard treatment had on her. She didn't want him to feel bad though and let her hand sneak up upon his chest again.

"It's okay Fin, really," she whispered, now with full control of her voice as her breathing had come down. He finally let his hand uncover his face and he turned his head towards her as he let his hand drop on top of her head.  
"You sure?" he asked with a concern look on his face as he rubbed her head gently. She nodded and squeezed his chest a little. Her fingers slipped a little over his sweaty chest. He let his hand stay on her head but turned away his head as he took a big, deep breath.

"Is it Mimi?" she asked as she had a hunch where his mind had taken him earlier and she got a slight nod as an answer.  
"She contact you again?" she asked as she rubbed her hand a little over his chest in some attempt to comfort him a little. He cleared his throat and rearranged himself a little on the bed. He pulled his hand back and she missed it instantly.  
"Yeah," he said and she waited for him to continue, "she sat in the car outside the station as I drove out." He sighed.  
"Don't worry though," he said quickly and turned his head to her, "she didn't follow me and I cleared the street."

"I'm not worried," she let him know, "About me," she added though to let him know she was concerned about his safety though. He'd called her a little earlier and asked her if she could come over for a bit. She'd heard in his voice he was in need of some company and she'd left Fay with her neighbor for a while. It had been some time now since he'd called her over. He'd told her to drive down into the garage though just as a precaution in case Mimi was staking out his house after all. It was clear once she got there though he didn't want to talk, he needed something else and she'd been up for it knowing beforehand what to expect. They'd been rumbling on the bed within minutes after she got there.

He'd been forceful from the start, demanding and eager. First round went well but then as he flipped her over for a second round things got intense a little too quickly. But she didn't want him to stop, just ease down a few notches, then she could have handled him. She didn't like to see him this upset and she could cope with a lot if it only meant he'd get some relief. She wished they were better at communicating though. Like really communicating emotions and stuff. She had hoped it would get better one day but for some reason it only felt like it was getting harder. They stayed away from talking about any sensitive matters. She feared she had a part in it, not letting him in on the ordeal in Atlanta, just letting him read the transcript and nothing else. She tried to stop the negative thinking and think about the matter at hand.

"You sure you're okay?" he suddenly asked and shot her a look as his hand came down on her head again.

"Well it depends," she said a bit cryptic. The crease between his eyes grew deeper as he watched her with deeper concern. She'd kept her face blank to throw him off and drew a circle with her nail on his chest. She raised her eyes from her finger to meet his eyes as she spoke;

"You left me kinda hot and bothered you know." She pouted her lips a little but couldn't keep them that way as a mischievous smile spread over her face. His crease eased a little but he kept the concern look as long as he could before she spotted the mischievousness in his eyes.

"That's not so nice you know," she said and bit down on her lip as she tried to keep from laughing as his smile widen.

"We can't have that now can we?" he said with a raspy voice as he turned towards her. She quickly turned around so she landed on her back as he came up over her again. She couldn't keep her laughter down as his hands tickled her on their way up her body and his mouth helped tickle her as it landed on her neck.

"Hot. Bothered. Sexy. Naked," he said a word between half kisses half bites and his hands roamed her naked body up and down meanwhile. She could feel his hard-on grow again against her thigh.

"No woman will be left unsatisfied in my bed," he smiled as he came up to look at her. She'd stopped laughing but kept smiling as she felt her own breath pick up with the arousal his mouth and hands triggered. He caught her mouth with his but before she could wrap her arms around him he started travelling downwards. He left a trail of kisses down over her breast, paid a visit to each nipple before he made his way down her trimmed stomach. He let his tongue explore her bellybutton as his hands came in underneath her butt cheeks. He used his upper arms to spread her legs wider as he went down even further and her impulse was to pull them together as a wave of desire was triggered by his lips reaching her pubic hair. Her hands played over his scalp as he trailed kisses to the side of her well trimmed bush.

She had to let him go though and grab a hold of the sheets as his mouth found its way in-between her folds. She arched her back as his tongue came down over her clit and sent shivers of pleasure through her entire body. She couldn't keep from whimpering as he dug in deeper and he eagerly worked her and within a minute he had her crying out his name in a whole other tone than earlier. Once he had caressed her down from the extreme high he'd taken her too they swooped positions. When she left his place half an hour later they were both very much satisfied.

**But she knew** sex was a quick fix to make him feel better. His current problems needed more than a quick fix. Mimi needed to be taken care off before she entrapped him again or, even worse, made those subtle death threats come true. Fay needed him around and as long as Mimi was around Fin would not take Fay anywhere public.

Amanda had an idea though. She knew it was probably a bit stupid and hasty but she needed to do something, and quickly since she could see how badly this affected Fin. Mimi's right hand - Anton "Risky" Raymond. They'd come across him a few weeks back. Mimi and he rarely got together in public and he was never with her in the car as she rode by Fin's. So she was rather certain Mimi hadn't involved him in this vendetta she had against Fin but of course she couldn't be sure. But she'd seen him talk up this blonde on the street and another time she'd seen him with not one but two blondes so she was hoping he had a preference to blondes. She'd stalked him a bit this last week and she found he hung around a lot at this club called C-lounge. He never travelled alone though, he had at least three or four guys by his side. All kinda thug looking with their tattoos and hoodies.

She made sure everyone left before she snuck down and got a dress from the wardrobe that they used on different sting operations. She found one that would cover her scar on the chest but showed lots of skin over the stomach area. She'd seen the girls Anton talked up and she had to dress the part. She hid it under her arm and went back up to the bunks to change. She'd brought a big hoodie that she covered herself with as she exited. She would get the shoes, hair and make-up done in her car to not raise suspicion or raised eyebrows. She only had a vague idea how she would play this and felt nerves as she left all her belongings in the car and quickly let the premises to catch the bus the rest of the way to the club. She felt a bit relieved as she sat down on the bus just that she'd gotten away, hopefully, unseen from the station's parking lot. She did not feel like explaining her current outfit to anyone.

The dress she'd chosen showed a lot of skin and she still didn't feel all that comfortable in the get up. She'd skipped the pantyhose since she still didn't feel all that comfortable wearing them after the incident in Atlanta. She regretted that now though as the spring evening wasn't that warm. The heels were high but she could handle them, the hair was nicely done and her face was covered with a rather thick layer of make-up. She could tell she earned some looks but all she could think about right now was one set of eyes she needed to attract and that was Anton's.

She got off the bus at the end of the street and tried to get in character as she walked down the street. As she stepped into the club she didn't have to hide that she was looking for someone because her plan was to act as though she got stood up by someone. She wasn't wearing anything than her dress and a little purse so she just smiled as she walked by the bouncer. It was a weekday and too early to be crowded yet so she easily found a spot by the bar when her eyes couldn't find Anton in there. She ordered a red wine and a glass of water and just tried to relax. Inside she felt nervous though, what if Anton wouldn't show? She couldn't stay too long cause Grace had something with school and couldn't stay too late to watch Fay tonight. To her surprise she got hit on by a guy but turned him down gently. She turned back to the counter with a smile just as Anton entered. She almost froze for a second when their eyes met but she managed to spin her chair all the way around to the bar and had a zip of her wine.

Easier than expected she'd caught Anton's eye and she could feel him keep looking as he and his crew took a seat at a table nearby. For some reason she felt calm once she knew he was there and she played her role well. She made sure her legs were stretched out and skirt hitched up so he could get a good look. She tossed her hair at times and chatted up the bartender a little so Anton would know she was sociable. It didn't take long until he was at the bar ordering something even though Amanda had seen that his crew got served at their table.

"Is that clock right?" she asked the bartender and hinted to the big one behind him. When the bartender nodded she made a loud noise letting Anton knew she was disappointed over something. He took the bait.

"You expecting someone?" he asked. Hook, line and sinker she thought, feeling very proud of herself before she slanted her head slightly and gave him a look. She let a few seconds go as she scanned him a little, making sure he knew she was checking him out, before she gave him a slight nod and made a face that verified the answer.

"He's an idiot," Anton said and leaned in a little her way. Amanda let out a chuckle as she tossed her head back a little letting him have a good look at her front. She unfolded her legs and then folded them the other way and when she peeked back at him he still had his eyes down by her legs.

"Guy's still living with his mom, I should have known," she said and made a face. Anton thanked the bartender as he'd brought him a bottled beer. He took a swipe of the beer and then took a step closer to her.

"Looser and an idiot," he said with a grin on his face. Amanda pulled her hair behind her ear as she nodded in agreement. She brought her glass up to her mouth and kept it there for a while before she took a zip. She let her tongue run over her bottom lip and as she turned a little towards Anton she could see that's where his eyes were. She bit down on her lip a little before she gave him a shy smile. That seemed to pull him from whatever thoughts he'd been stuck in and he let out a chuckle before he took a slug of his beer.

"So does that mean this seat's free?" he asked once he put his beer down. Amanda took another good look at him, checked him out again before she gave a slight nod. He smiled as he took the seat next to her.

"I passed the bar?" he joked and she gave him a cheeky smile for an answer.

"Idiots loss, my gain," he added. They would do a little small talk to begin with, he was a real smooth talker but she would learn it was only a front. This was a player for sure. He'd asked her if he could refill her drink and he seemed to like it when she said she didn't have to act a lady any longer and she'd have a beer like him. Once Anton ordered he told the bartender he would pay for her previous drinks too. Amanda thanked him by brushing her hand slightly over his. It didn't take him long to offer her drugs. Two tiny, white pills that he balanced with ease on his fingertip. She shook him off with a nonchalant face and reached for her beer.

"Trying to stay clean for my daughter," she said and took a zip.

"You're a mama?" he said and she nodded thinking it would work well as a cover even if she hadn't planned to reveal that fact. She felt his hand go up her leg a little and he leaned in a little and whispered;

"Mama needs to have fun too sometimes." She smiled a little and replied:

"There's other ways to have fun." She could tell by the big grin on his face he liked that answer. He squeezed her thigh a little and then sat back up with a chuckle before he grabbed his beer. Not before he'd put a pill in his mouth though. She knew she didn't have much time to play with. She needed to get home to Fay and she needed to get the information out of him right here, she would not go anywhere with him that was for sure.

"Haven't we met before?" she said and gave him a suspicious eye.

"Believe me, had I met you I would remember," he said and gave her a look before he spun around on his chair so he could watch the small crowd that had now started to form in the club. Thankfully the music was still very low and there were no dancing. She took the opportunity as he browsed the crowd to check her phone and as she did she hit the recorder and then put it down on the counter.

"You know Tizz?" she said and it got his attention immediately.

"You know Tizz?" he shot back and turned his body slightly towards her. Teodor Zane Barrow, aka TZ or Tizz, was a well known name in Mimi and Anton's scene. He was currently serving 7 to 15 for a level C violent felony drug charge and he was Mimi's boyfriend once back when she started to get a rep in the community.

Amanda nodded at Anton as she took a zip from her beer.

"I knew I'd seen you somewhere. You hang with Mimi right?" she said and it got him to fully turn towards her.

"You know Mimi?" he seemed surprised and she knew she would have to sell this good.

"Oh I know Mims, wish I didn't though," she said and let her face tell him how she felt about her too. He let out a chuckle and rubbed his hands together as he said:

"Oh I'd love to hear this." She tried to keep it cool. Let him know Mimi hadn't greeted her well as she hooked up with TZ. Told him they had some physical altercations too. Anton seemed overjoyed to listen to her, seemed he took some pleasure in hearing someone dig at his partner. TZ had been one of the kingpins a few years back and Amanda threw out a lot of names and places that she'd seen on the police records just to sell Anton in on her as TZ's girlfriend. Amanda tried to ignore the fact Anton's hands were getting a little too touchy feely for her comfort. He'd pulled his chair a little closer to hers so that his legs connected with her legs underneath the bar and her ass on the back of the chair.

She told him she'd been to TZ's stash and in passing she asked if Mims still kept her stash on this last current address they had. Thankfully it seemed Anton's guard was completely down and within twenty minutes he'd spilled a few of Mimi's locations and given at least two names Amanda hadn't heard before. Meanwhile though his hand had travelled up her leg, slightly going in underneath her skirt, a few times and his other hand was mostly up around the back of her neck. That was when he didn't reach for his beer. He was on his third now, Amanda on her second.

It seemed as though she might have gotten all she needed out of him and she needed to plan a refined escape to get out of being groped any further. He came in for a kiss and she felt as though he'd get suspicious if she didn't collaborate a little seeing how she had sent out rather obvious signals. So she didn't resist and tried to relax as he bit down on her lip and then intensified the kiss quickly. It didn't feel as odd as she thought it would but it did feel like she was cheating in a way. Cheating on Fin. He let her go rather quickly though and she tried to smile as she saw his hand go up to his mouth. The second later though he came back in and this time he immediately pushed his tongue inside her. She quickly realized why. She tried to keep calm as she felt the pill, or pills perhaps, swirl around in her mouth. He'd grabbed a hold of her hair and held her fixed to his mouth for what felt like a very long time. His other hand was far up her dress but thankfully her legs were closed and the way they were sitting made it impossible, even if she would want to, to uncross her legs. It was impossible for her to keep track of the pills in her mouth as Anton's tongue swirled around in there.

Once he finally let her go she had to gasp a little for air. She kept her eyes on him as she tried to unnoticed search her own mouth with her tongue to hopefully find the pills still not down her throat. But she couldn't find anything.  
"Baby mamas need to party too," he grinned and then rotated his chair to signal the bartender for another beer. Amanda had a hard time breathing. It felt as though the walls were caving in on her a little but she knew it was an illusion because no drug worked that quickly if absorbed orally. Or could they?  
She could only think of one thing - she needed help. She needed Fin.


	24. Smashed

"Baby mamas need to party too," he grinned and then rotated his chair to signal the bartender for another beer. Amanda had a hard time breathing. It felt as though the walls were caving in on her a little but she knew it was an illusion because no drug worked that quickly if absorbed orally. Or could they? Anton slapped her leg as he rotated the chair past her.

"Hey Chimp, tell the DJ to start flipping some discs already," he yelled to a friend of his down by the tables.  
"We'll have this club pumping in no time," he said with a big smile as his hand came up on her thigh again. She shot him a smile.

"I'll better hit the can then," she said and quickly got her phone and purse off the counter. He let his hand go down on her ass as she got up and he gave it a slap as she walked away. She shot him a cheeky smile over her shoulder but it quickly disappeared as she turned away again. She got her fingers on the buttons quickly and shut the recorder off. She rushed to the ladies room as soon as she got past the corner. Every booth was full though and she paced a little as she waited. She thought about trying to throw up in the washing bowl but then a toilet flushed. She got an angry look by the female that exited as Amanda pushed her way past her. She got down by the bowl quickly and stuck her fingers down her throat. She tried a few times but nothing happen but empty gags. Damn her poor gag reflexes. She'd learnt this in high school when the girls in her team tried bulimia. Yes, it was a very stupid thing to try but she blamed peer pressure and being juvenile.

She hadn't eaten since lunch and how hard she even tried she couldn't get anything up. She felt clamp and wasn't sure if it was the drugs or the gagging causing it. She tried to think quickly. She needed to get out of there. She knew she had to call Fin, he was the only one that would understand what she'd just done. The only one that wouldn't judge her stupidity, probably curse her but he wouldn't judge. She got herself up off the floor and got out of the bathroom. Two girls by the washing bowls eyed her curiously, probably thought she had too much to drink with all the heaving going on in there just now. She paid them no concern and focused on just keeping herself upright and alert as she went back out into the club again.

She peeked around the corner and found that Anton had stepped over to his friend by the table. He would probably see her if she tried to pass him to get to the exit though. Like something sent from above someone called Anton over to the DJ booth though and she got her chance to flee. She brought her phone up quickly and held it to her ear, pretended to talk into it as she passed the table with Anton's friends. She didn't dare to look if anyone of them eyed her and just kept walking towards the exit. She expected someone to grab her from behind and felt such relief once she stepped outside on the curb.

Two doors down there was a restaurant, Philippe she read on the sign above the doors, and she ducked inside. Only about half of the tables had dining guest and she managed to duck the head waiter as she headed straight to the ladies room. It had three stalls which were all vacant and out of habit she aimed for the one furthest in. She got the clasp on and made sure it was securely down before she backed up against the wall. She tried to get her breathing under control. Once she felt able to she roamed through her purse with shaky hands to find her phone again. She easily found his name in her phonebook and hit the green phone perhaps to call him but also to push it back down inside her phone as it looked as though it was trying to jump out of the phone. Two rings before he answered but she lost focus as it seemed his voice jumped from the phone to a wall and then down below the door and slipped out of there.

Fin had seen her name in the window but still answered with his own. Now though as he didn't hear anyone on the other line he checked again to make sure it was her name he'd seen.  
"Amanda?" he asked into the phone and it brought her back.  
"Yeah," she managed to say even though her tongue seemed stuck to the bottom of her mouth.  
"What's up?" he asked since he could hear something was clearly up.  
"Can you come get me?" she asked quickly and he caught the momentum change in her voice.  
"Where are you?" he asked as he sat up in the couch.  
"This…" she started but trailed off.  
"Amanda?" he asked with some worry to his voice. He got up out of the couch and over to the door, grabbing his car keys at the same time as he got his shoes on.

Amanda had seen the door vibrate and went over to make sure it was still solid by putting her palm to it. She pulled her hand back as the door seemed warm. She looked underneath to make sure there was no fire outside and felt relieved once she was certain there was none. She chuckled with relief.

"It's not on fire," she said and it made Fin freeze by his door.  
"Fire? Is there a fire? Where are you Amanda?" he was crashing down his hallway by now.  
"Amanda?" he asked again, this time louder to urge her to reply. She'd sounded amused just now but when she spoke again there was no amusement heard in her voice, more panic.  
"The bathroom at this restaurant, Philip something," she went on to give him the street and he knew where the street was. Bronx Zoo wasn't far off and they'd taken Fay there a couple of times.  
"I'll find it," he said as he rushed down his hallway to the elevator.  
"Why are you in there Amanda? Are you okay?" he asked as he waited for the elevator.  
"I'm fine. Just get here," she said and it sounded like she had a smile on her face. Very contradicting.  
"I'll find you," he said as the line went dead.

He thought about calling her back but instead hurried down to the garage. The street she'd given him wasn't far so he'd be there soon enough. This time a night at a workday the streets wouldn't be busy with traffic. He found the street no more than ten minutes later and drove slowly as he watched the signs to find the restaurant. During the drive all sorts of things had gone round his head. The thought of her being on a date that hadn't gone well was the one thought finding its way back over and over again. It seemed as the most likely situation but wouldn't she have told him if she had a date?

He'd been preoccupied lately though so he figured he might have missed some things. He drove by a bar he remembered being in last week in relevance to his own case and next door he found the restaurant. He found an open space a few cars down and quickly parked. He rushed to the door and went in. Fin scanned the dining area quickly, the place wasn't crowded so it was easy for him to realize no table was missing a guest right now. A waiter came towards him and Fin flashed his badge and asked for the bathrooms. The waiter pointed him further in and Fin headed that way. He found the ladies room and pushed the door open.

"Amanda?" he said out loud as he found it empty and he bent down to look under the stall doors. Only noise in there was the low sound of some lounge music. He leaned down and found a pair of black high heels in the last stall and he saw them move away from the back wall as he said her name again. He heard the clasp be undone and he approached the door. When it open though he had to take a step back. It was Amanda for sure but she wasn't really dressed as herself. The tight little black number she wore he thought he recognized but it didn't fit with the rest of her wardrobe at home. Her hair was done with seductive tassels by her ears the way he liked and she wore a hell of a lot of more make-up than she usually did. Her legs were bare and those heels took her at least two inches of the ground. She was always a knock-out but tonight she looked like the women Fin usually fell for. Something about her face told him she wasn't okay though. She held a black little purse in one hand and the other one was clinging on to her cellphone as if it was her lifeline.

"What's going on?" he asked and managed to step up to her as she'd remained in the stall door. She seemed unable to answer him and he put his hands on her shoulders. She smiled suddenly but then it disappeared just as fast and he tilted his head slightly as the crease between his eyes got deeper. He grabbed a hold of her face and looked her deep in the eyes. He felt his inside go cold as he realized what was going on.

"What are you on?" he asked. She took a deep breath and blinked her eyes several times.  
"I don't know," she said quickly and continued with the same quick speed: "I got him on tape. She's taking over Lazarus operation. I know where she's set up. He told me everything. We have enough to take her down now. You can totally bust her ass. She won't bother you any longer."

"Slow down," he said once he finally got a word in. He wasn't fully understanding what she was saying. He did get though that they were talking about Mimi. He was still holding on to her face but he'd eased up on the grip and gently let his thumb play over her cheek as he got that she'd done something very self-sacrificing for him even though he didn't get the full extent of it just yet. She smiled at him and suddenly leaned in and kissed him square on the mouth. She let his lips go just as quick though as her eyes seemed to catch something behind him. He shot a glance over his shoulder but should have known she was seeing things that weren't really there. He let his hand fall down to her shoulder again but brought one up to her neck to check her pulse.

"Okay so you taped who?" he asked seriously as he tried to find her vein.  
"Anton," she answered quickly.  
"You approached Risky Anton on your own?" he asked and tried to keep his emotions in check as he felt his anger flare. She nodded, again her responses were quick and she was clearly on some uppers of sorts. He'd found her pulse and it was blasting way too quickly.

"I saw him at the bar last week, I saw the women he talked up. I thought I could totally pull that off and I did. I told him I knew Mimi but I totally played it like I thought she was a bitch and you know he feels the same. I was brilliant Fin. And I got it all on tape." She held up the phone, still clinging to it like a life line. He couldn't be angry at her seeing some of the clear signs of drug use. She seemed euphoric and for once she showed that confidence he wanted her to carry around all day every day. He took a deep breath.

"You did good Amanda. You shouldn't have but you did good," he told her. "Now, what did he give you?" She seemed to think about it but then her eyes wandered to the side. He shook her shoulder a little to get her attention back.  
"What did he give you?" he asked again. He knew how important it was that they knew this and just how she got it into her system.  
"I don't know," she answered and it seemed to be the truth.  
"Did he give you pills or did you take it up your nose or…" he got interrupted when she started giggling. She found 'up your nose' sounding hilariously funny for some reason and she couldn't stop giggling.

"Hey," he said and tried shaking her again but this time it didn't have the effect as last time when she just kept giggling. He let her be for a while and then she stopped giggling.  
"Amanda it's important. Listen to me, what did he give you?"  
"Two pills," she answered quickly and suddenly looked very serious.  
"Okay, two pills good. Did you get a good look at them? Can you tell me what they looked like?"  
"Round. White. I'm sorry Fin. I tried not to take them. He shoved them in though. He kissed me," she made a face that made her look awfully cute had they been in any other situation. "I tried to get them up. They were gone," she got tears in her eyes.

"It's okay Amanda. Don't worry okay I'll get you through this. We need to know what you took though. I'm gonna go next door okay and get him to tell me," Fin let her shoulder go but she immediately grabbed a hold of him instead and crashed into him and folded her arms around him, holding him tight.  
"No don't. She'll know then. We'll never get her off your back. Please don't Fin," she begged, very agitated. He got his arms around her and tried to calm her down. He understood she'd gone through a lot tonight for his sake, probably had to have gone against some of her own principals to get Anton speaking and he didn't want her to have gone through all that for nothing. But it was important to know she hadn't taken too much and to best help her through this he needed to know just what it was that was running through her system right now.

"Okay, okay, I'll stay with you okay. Don't worry," he said and stroke her back. She calmed down quickly. He let her go so he could have a look at her again. Her pupils were just very dilated and it freaked him out a bit to see her like that.  
"Amanda have you done drugs before?" he asked and tried to catch her eyes as she again was following something in the air beside them. He said her name again and she looked at him.  
"Have you done drugs before?" he asked and it made her chuckle. He sighed and tried to stay calm.  
"Have you Amanda?" he asked again. He wanted to get an idea how she reacts to drugs.  
"A joint in college," she confessed and got a wide smile on her face.  
"Okay, do you remember how you reacted to that?"  
"I skinny dipped in the school fountain," she said as her eyes wandered again.  
"From a joint?" he couldn't hide his surprise. "Oh brother," he said as he figured they were in for a wild night.

"Okay sit down for a while Amanda," he guided her back to the toilet bowl and helped her sit down. He took a few seconds to collect himself. He wanted to take her to the hospital just to have someone check her over but he hoped there was a way to keep it off her record. He had a guy in the hospital before but he knew he'd quit and left town. He knew Olivia had a few connections though. He checked his watch. It was only a little past ten pm but it was still a little too late to call her up. He watched as Amanda reached out towards the toiletpaper only to pull her hand back quickly. But then she repeated it again but didn't get the entire way this time either.

"Okay I'm gonna call Liv okay?" he said as he got his phone out.  
"No, no, no," she said quickly and stood up. Fin had to grab her as she stumbled on her heel.  
"She hates me. She'll send me to jail," she said with wide eyes. Fin couldn't help but smile.  
"No she won't Amanda and she doesn't hate you," he stroke her cheek. Amanda smiled, all signs of the previous paranoia gone in a blink of an eye. He kissed her forehead and he felt her hand land on his chest. It was her hand with the phone in and it seemed to dawn on her how important the phone was.  
"Take this Fin. You have to keep it safe. Don't let anyone take it from us. It's the proof we need," she said and forced the phone on him. He slipped it down his pocket and made her take a seat again. He dialed Liv and she picked up on the first ring.

"Hey Fin," she said.  
"Hey Liv, am I calling at a bad time?" he said.  
"No not at all. I'm just now on my way home actually. Is something wrong Fin?" she asked and Fin wasn't sure how to answer as he watched Amanda make another attempt to touch the paper dispenser.  
"I need a favor Liv," he said and asked if she could come to the corner down the street. She said she'd turn right around and be there in a few minutes. He thanked her and they hung up.

"Okay let's get you up and out of here okay?" he said and reached out for her hand who was left hanging in the air right by the paper dispenser. She felt warm under his touch. She looked up at him and for a moment she looked confused. Then she started laughing.  
"What are we doing in the bathroom Fin?" she laughed as he helped her up.  
"We're getting out of here okay. You feel alright to walk?"  
"Of course I can walk Fin," she laughed as he led her out of there. She was walking but unsteadily. A man peeked in through the door.

"I'm the manager, is everything alright in here?" he asked and looked suspiciously at the two.  
"Yeah I'm a cop, we'll be out of here in a minute okay?" Fin said as Amanda waved at the newcomer.  
"Can I help?" he asked but Fin turned him down.  
"No we'll be fine, she just needs some air," he said and tried to smile at the man to lower his worries. He didn't seem convinced but still let them be. Fin grabbed Amanda's waving hand and pulled her body to him. He spun her around so he could have a look at her.

"How are you feeling boo?" he asked as he tried to catch her eyes that were all over the place.  
"Fine. Wonderful," she smiled and started leaning one way until Fin caught her and got her back upright. Fin had a look around the bathroom.  
"Did you have a jacket?" he asked but her eyes had wandered upwards.  
"Hey Amanda, were you wearing a jacket?" he said and got her eyes to come back down to him. She seemed to think about it but maybe not he figured once her eyes wandered up to the roof again.

"Okay never mind, let's try and get out of here then. We're just going out through the restaurant okay and out on the street," he hoped this information would let them pass through quicker but of course that wasn't the case. She stumbled before they even left the bathroom and she dropped her purse. Fin got her before she hit the floor though but as he tried to get her standing she started laughing and her legs just didn't seem to want to stay straight. He managed to keep her upright as he reached for her purse of the floor.

"Okay I'm going to carry you if you can't walk," he threaten as she kept laughing but he had a hard time keeping his voice stern though seeing how cute she looked laughing hysterically. She tried to get a grip and patted his chest with a sloppy hand.  
"I walk. I mean I can walk. I promise I can walk Fin," she said still with laughter slipping up her throat. He kept her purse in his hand and put his other arm underneath hers. The manager was waiting right by the dining area and Fin tried to send a smile his way. As they passed him though Amanda reached out and grabbed his tie and chocked him a little before Fin could get her to let him go.

"Sorry, sorry," Fin said and got behind Amanda so he could hold down her arms as she was trying to grab things. He apologized a few more times as they went through the restaurant and he was relieved once he saw the door. The waiter rushed forward and held it open for them. Fin thanked him and finally they were outside. He grabbed Amanda by her wrist and led her up the street, it became more dragging that leading though. He saw a familiar car up the street and headed there.

Liv and Nick had been working late and Nick was driving Liv home as Fin called her.  
"Holy smokes," Nick whistled as he saw the outfit Amanda was wearing as she came out of the restaurant with Fin.  
"What on earth," Liv whispered.  
"Are they on a date?" Nick asked. Liv felt like shooting him a reprimanding eye but she couldn't take her eyes of Fin as he came walking over with Amanda in tow.

"What is he doing here?" Fin asked with a bit of bite in his voice and hinted to Nick behind the wheel.  
"Nick was driving me home Fin, instead he drove me over here as you asked me to come here," Liv said with a defensive tone letting Fin knew he was being rude.  
"Okay, okay," Fin knew he'd sounded harsh.

"Is she okay?" Liv asked and hinted to Amanda who stood behind him looking up into the sky. Fin shook his head as he rolled his eyes.  
"You know someone at the hospital who can take a look at her without papers being written right?" he asked. Liv looked at him with suspicious eyes.  
"Why?" she asked. Fin throw a glance over his shoulder at Amanda and then back to his other partners in the car.  
"She might just have saved my ass tonight but it came with a price. She's flying really high right now," he said and ended with a big sigh.  
"I can take her down but I need someone to check her over just in case… I don't know what he gave her."  
"Who?" Liv asked.  
"Anton. Mimi's… associate. He's in the club," Fin gestured with his head up the street, "She got him on tape giving away some things that can help me against Mimi. She went out on her own. I need to make sure she won't get in trouble for this," he said and Liv could see the hurt on his face.

"I know a few places I can call in a favor," she said and got out. She got her phone up to try and get a hold of someone she knew it a nearby hospital.  
"Can I do something?" Nick asked, he'd kept silent since he didn't miss Fin's obvious resentment to his presence.  
"I have her phone with the taping, maybe you can listen to it?" Fin suggested.  
"Sure thing," Nick said quickly: "Give it to me."  
"It can wait til the morning if…"  
"Why wait?" Nick said and Fin got the phone up out of his pocket. He handed it over to him and gave him a nod that let Nick knew he appreciated him doing it. Nick asked him to keep him briefed, said goodbye and then drove off. Liv meanwhile, with her phone to her ear, had approached Amanda and put her hand on her cheek. Amanda's eyes came down but kept wandering past Liv's eyes.

"Oh sweetie," Liv said when she realized just how doped up Amanda was.  
"Do you have any idea what she's on?" Liv turned to Fin who shook his head. He started to walk towards his car and made Amanda follow. Liv put her hand on the back of her arm and helped Fin guide her over to the curb. She would of course fall and Fin helped her up as Liv seemed to get a hold of whoever she was trying to get in contact with. Liv caught up with them at his car and she told him she'd sit in the back with Amanda and then which hospital to drive to. Liv made sure Amanda was buckled in as Fin drove off.

"I'm not feeling so good," Amanda suddenly said. Fin looked backwards nervously.  
"You want me to pull over?" he asked thinking she might want to throw up. Liv had slid closer to her and felt her forehead. It was damp and when she found her pulse it was racing. Liv shot Fin a nervous look. He'd made Amanda's window go down to give her some air and it seemed to pull her attention. Soon Amanda at least seemed fine as she hung out the window with her arm and head, at times cheering at something she saw, and the street lights seemed to mesmerize her. Liv kept nearby and held on to her just in case. As they reached the hospital Liv let him know her friend would meet them at the ambulance bay and Fin parked nearby.

Together they got her out and Liv got her jacket off to cover Amanda with it as they made their way over. They managed to keep Amanda on her feet and Liv spotted her friend right inside the doors and gave him a nod. He said a quick hi but headed straight to Amanda and took a good look into her eyes. He checked her pulse and then told them to come with him. He snuck them inside an exam room and turned the 'occupied' sign on. As the young, black doctor examined Amanda, who he'd placed on a table by the wall, he let Fin knew his name was Jason and he asked them if they knew what she'd taken. Fin told him what little he knew. Jason asked him a few question about her mood and if they knew when she'd ingested the pills. Fin briefed him as best he could.

"Your handsome," Amanda suddenly said and touched the doctor's face with a sloppy hand. Fin and Liv gave each other a quick, amused look.  
"Well thank you," the doctor replied with a smile knowing this was the drugs talking.  
"I especially like your yellow eyes," she slurred and Liv couldn't hold down a chuckle. Jason smiled and gave Liv a look. With that at least Amanda seemed to lose interest in the doctor and instead started to chase some, to the rest unknown, flying objects in the room with her hand.

"Okay it's definitely some stimulating drug, my guess would be some sort of amphetamine," he kept a hand on Amanda's arm to make sure she stayed up but had turned to Fin and Liv, "she's not in immediate danger or even distress, we could help her down here but that means paper and…" The doctor stopped as Fin shook his head.  
"No, I can get her down I just need to know… that there's no harm I guess. She'll be okay?" Liv reached out and touched his arm as she felt the pain in his voice. He obviously felt guilty for Amanda's state.

"Like I said she's probably feeling really fine right now. Depending on her tolerance level coming down can get rough, this is a onetime thing right?" Fin nodded.  
"Cause I don't think I need to tell you tolerance in amphetamine abuse is rapidly," Liv cut him off.  
"Trust me, it will never happen again." Jason knew Liv well enough to take her word for it. She'd already told him over the phone it was a squad partner of hers so Jason felt secure enough he wasn't helping out someone who would end up in the morgue in a few weeks making him feel guilty for helping out a friend. That had happen once in the past and never again.

"I'll get you a pamphlet of what to expect and keep an eye on her the coming days. Usually if it's just a onetime thing the repercussions aren't so bad but she can be restless, irritable, anxious, aggressive, tense, have mood swings, depression, paranoia and or exhaustion for several days as the drugs wear off. And it will show up on a tox screen for at least a few days," Jason looked at them seriously and both nodded. It had been a while now since they had random drug tests done and hoped it would stay that way for at least a couple of days.  
"I'll get her something that will help her in the morning too, I'll be right back," Liv touched his arm in an appreciating way as he walked passed them. Fin walked up to Amanda who was still chasing things in the air with her hand. Just as Liv was about to say something her phone rang.

"It's Nick," she let Fin knew and then answered hoping he'd found something good on Amanda's phone. Fin looked over at Amanda as she slumped towards him. He felt like doing more than stroke her back but couldn't with Liv in the room.  
"Hey," Liv called for his attention, "Nick says Amanda's phone keeps ringing. It says home on the display." Fin's head raced for a few and then he made a face.  
"Shot. Fay," Fin said.  
"Should he answer?" Fin shook his head.  
"I got it, it's probably the babysitter." Liv hung up as Fin scrolled down the contact list on his phone.  
"I can't take her home though can I?" he said as he brought the phone up to his ear.

"I can go," Liv suggested.  
"You sure?" he asked with a hesitant look. Liv nodded.  
"I'd love to," she added. Fin got distracted as someone seemed to answer on the other side.

"Hey Grace, it's Fin. You're with Fay?" he seemed to listen for a while and then nodded.  
"Okay, yeah we got in a bit of a jam here but look, I'm sending someone over. Her name is Olivia, she'll sit with Fay until we can get out of it." Whoever was on the other side seemed okay with it and Fin hung up.  
"You sure?" he directed the question to Liv and she nodded again.  
"Okay cause Grace, that's the babysitter, needs to get out of there rather quickly apparently. I'll drive you over before I take this one home with me," Fin shot a look Amanda's way. She seemed to have entered a bit of a catatonic state, just staring straight ahead. She barely blinked and it freaked him out a bit.

"You doing okay?" he asked and put a hand on her cheek. She turned her head slightly upwards to him but her eyes seemed unable to focus on him. She smiled though and he let his hand go down to her shoulder as he smiled back at her just in case she could see it. Jason came back soon after and gave Fin the pamphlet and some pills for the morning. Both Fin and Liv thanked him a couple of times as they both grabbed a hold of Amanda and followed Jason as he guided them back out to the car. Liv sat in the back with Amanda as they drove to her place. Fin told Liv to call if there was anything she wondered about Fay and they decided to check back in first thing in the morning.

**Liv got buzzed** in through the front door and headed up to Amanda's floor. She gave the door a silent knock and it didn't take long until a young, brown-haired girl opened it.

"Hi, I'm Olivia," Liv smiled.  
"Hi, I'm Grace, common in," the young girl said and held the door open more so Liv could pass.  
"Is Amanda okay?" Grace asked as she closed the door and Liv turned around to face her.  
"She will be, there was an incident at work, nothing to worry about but she shouldn't be around Fay tonight," Liv tried to explain.  
"Scary. I could have stayed if it wasn't for this field trip tomorrow. We're leaving at like six and I still haven't packed," Grace said and walked further inside the apartment.

"So what do you need to know?" Grace asked with a smile.  
"Everything," Liv smiled and threw her hands up in the air. Grace chuckled.  
"Okay, have you met her?" Grace asked as she gestured for Liv to follow her further in.  
"Yeah but only a few times, I was actually in the room when she was born."  
"Ah you're Liv?" Grace asked and Liv nodded. She'd obviously heard the story of Fay's birth. They'd reached a door that was only slightly open. Grace pushed it open a little further so the light from the room hit the bed and the sleeping form in it. Grace gave Liv a wide smile and then said a little quieter:

"She's honestly the easiest child I sit for, she's such a joy to be around. Not fuzzy at all. You have her dresser over there," Grace pointed inside the room and Liv followed her finger.  
"Just pick whatever in the morning. Neither Fay nor Amanda is picky about that. She's not a morning person though so you might have to do most of the work," Grace shot her a smile and then shut the door a little as she brought Liv to the bathroom between Fay's and Amanda's bedrooms. Liv remembered the place from when she helped then move in a few months ago. It seemed some of the furniture had been replaced though but she might just be recalling wrongly. Liv followed Grace into the bathroom.

"Okay so she's still in diapers at night so you need to give her a quick wash in the morning. She'll be tired so you just place her in the tub, she's not fuzzy she'll just stay in whatever position you place her in basically," Grace let out a chuckle. Liv smiled too.  
"So wash her off, she loves taking baths but don't let her fool you in to one in the morning. That's for night time. Dry her off, see if she needs to use the toilet before you dress her and then just dress her in here or in there or whatever. Then it's breakfast," Grace took her into the kitchen. She opened up a few cabinets and pointed out different alternatives.

"She'll eat whatever you put in front of her, not fuzzy as I've said."  
"She eats on her own? Fork? Spoon?" Liv asked.  
"She can do it on her own. Just slice it up if it's not cereal, put the bib on, put one of her sporks in her hand, she'll use that and her fingers," Grace held up a utensil that looked like both a fork and a spoon.

"And you can just eat what you like when she eats if you want to. Then it's back to the bathroom to brush her teeth. That's one thing Amanda is fuzzy about. Brushing her teeth in the morning is important." Liv nodded with a smile so Grace knew she got it.  
"And then get dressed and off to preschool. You have the address here," Grace pointed to a flyer on the refrigerator.  
"It's just two blocks away, I think even Fay can get you there."  
"Does she walk there or?"  
"She can walk but this girl likes to be carried around, thankfully she's an ittybitty thing," Grace smiled, "but you can walk but make sure to hold on to her hand. She loves dogs, and cats, and if she sees one she'll be off so just hold on to her to be safe. You need to sign her in at the nursery school but they are very attentive so when they see you, an unfamiliar face, with her I'm sure they'll ask and guide you right."

"What time does she need to be there?"  
"You can leave her as early as seven but class, or more like the gathering with roll call, doesn't start until nine so basically anytime between that. And if you're running late just give them a call. The number's on the flyer too," Grace pointed back to the refrigerator. Liv nodded.  
"So I got the routine for the morning. But do I need to wake her up at a certain time? Does she sleep through the night?" Liv got all the questions out that she could think of.

"She could probably sleep till noon if you don't wake her up. With Amanda's hours it all depends on what shift she's on but you need to give her like at least forty-five minutes, let's say an hour with the walk over there. It all depends on when you need to be at work I guess. She went to bed at her usual bedtime so she's fine with whatever," Grace just shrug her shoulders.  
"Oh and she might wake up. She dreams a lot but she's not fuzzy then either. Just hold her, walk around a bit, sometimes she falls right back to sleep and you can just put her down in her bed. She'll let you know, oh I don't know if you know but she doesn't really talk?"

"Yeah Amanda's mentioned it but…" Liv stopped so Grace could cut in.  
"There's nothing wrong with her, like mentally, she's really smart she just doesn't talk. I mean she says mama but that's about it. But you'll get her anyway, it's the weirdest thing. She like communicates on another level," Grace smiled. Liv liked how much this girl seemed to care about Fay. She had nothing but good things to say about the Rollins.  
"So she points and stuff. I'm sure you'll get it, you are a detective after all. So if she doesn't want to go back to sleep after you've walked around just give her some formula if she points that way. I'll make some for you, put it in the refrigerator and you heat it in the micro for a full minute, shake it a little and it's good to go," Grace got going with the formula as she kept talking.

"So formula and then read her a story. She loves stories. You have some by the side of her bed, and over by the couch in the living room and by Amanda's bed. The few times I stayed over she'd always preferred Amanda's bed. And you can sleep in there too. Whatever you prefer. Couch is comfy too," Grace gave Liv a smile as she put the zippy with formula in the refrigerator. Grace's phone buzzed on the counter and she had a look. She rolled her eyes and looked back up at Liv.  
"My mom, I better head out," Grace said but added; "If there's nothing else?" Liv tried to search her brain but came up blank.

"I'll write my number down," Grace said and grabbed a little notepad from the counter, "I'll be up for at least another two hours, probably longer, so just text me if there's anything you come to thing off. I'll answer by the morning if I don't catch it until then."  
"Oh I won't bother you," Liv said but got cut off.  
"But do. Amanda's done so much for me. I'm thinking about studying law and she gave me her old books and she took me to see that AD you work with, dang I forgot his name."  
"Barba?" Liv said and Grace nodded.  
"So cool." Liv wasn't sure if she was talking about Barba or the court but it didn't really matter.

"So anyway, send me a text if there's anything you come to think of and I'm like five minutes away," Grace made her way over to the door. Liv followed her some of the way. Grace grabbed her bag and jacket by the door and was about to say goodbye once she remembered.  
"Oh don't forget to bring blanky to school. She needs blanky with her."  
"Blanky. That's a blanket?" Grace nodded.  
"You can't miss it, it's planted to her side when she sleeps."  
"Blanky. Got it," Liv said and then they said their goodbyes.

The apartment fell quiet once Grace shut the door behind her. Liv just listen to the silence for a while. She took a deep breath and looked around the room. Her earlier hunch had been right. The couch was not the same one as she'd seen Fin and Cassidy carry up the stairs. She soon lost interest in the furniture and sneaked back to Fay's bedroom door. She pushed it open just a little bit and the light again hit her bed. She could only see a little bit of the girl's adorable hair sticking up from underneath the cover. She fought the urge to sneak inside and have a closer look. Her smile grew ridiculously wide as she felt a warm excitement in her stomach area. She knew the circumstances why she was here wasn't good at all but she still felt happy being there. Right now she was responsible for this little girl and it felt good. She managed to pull herself away from the door finally and she decided to send Fin a text. '_I'm here. Fay's fine & sleeping. Grace got me briefed. How are you doing? Liv'_

She walked down to Amanda's bedroom to have a look but got a text back just as she stepped inside. '_We're havin a party. Unfortunately. Atleast she's happy. My neighbors probably not so much. Call if u need to, we'll be up prob._' Liv couldn't help but smile. She put down her phone and had a look around the room. She felt as though she was snooping a bit but then again no one would catch her so she took a stroll around the room. She hadn't really pictured Amanda's bedroom before but for some reason this wasn't how she would have pictured it. It looked like a bedroom Liv could've decorated. She had always thought she was so different from Amanda it was weird in a way to feel this comfortable in her bedroom.

She looked closer at a photo on the dresser. Fay was hugging her mom's entire face tightly. She couldn't be even a year old. Fay was kissing her mother's cheek and Amanda had a wide smile on her face. They looked to be outdoors somewhere, with trees in the background. They both looked very happy. Very cute. A larger photo of Fay was hanging on the wall by the side of the bed, she was all dolled up so it was probably a professional photo. It looked rather recent. Sitting down in a nice dress with a stuffed toy in her hands. Hair up in two small rolls on either side of her head and a bright smile as she looked a little to the left of the camera. Liv pictured Amanda standing beside the photographer making faces at her daughter to get her to smile for the camera. Probably not such a hard job. Every time Liv had seen the girl she'd been smiling.

Liv walked back out, took a peek inside the girl's room and then headed down to the living room once she'd made sure Fay was still sleeping. She sat down in front of the TV for a while but nothing caught her interest and she started to feel sleepy quickly. Liv thought about staying on the couch but stretching out on a bed felt more inviting so she turned the TV off and headed in to Amanda's bedroom again. She turned a few lights off but let some be on in case Fay woke up. She fell asleep quickly once she'd laid down but she wouldn't get to sleep that long.

By 2 am Liv stirred a bit on the bed. She opened her eyes to an unfamiliar room and it took her a moment to remember where she was. Once she remembered though she quickly sat up. Something had woken her up. And there it was again. A child's cry. She got her feet down on the floor and hurried towards the door. She only got a few steps out in the hall once she saw the little girl come out of her bedroom. Even with tears in her eyes she was the most precious little thing. Her curly blonde hair framed her head like a halo and the many colors in her pajamas lit up her skin. She held her blanket close to her chest with both hands. Blanky, Liv thought to herself. Liv couldn't really get a read on her face. She looked tired, sad and perhaps a bit scared.

"Oh hi sweetie. Hi Fay," Liv said carefully and sat down on her heals where she'd stopped. The girl looked at her with big, still tearfilled eyes.  
"Do you remember me? I'm Olivia. I work with your mama," Liv tried but didn't seem to reach the girl. She seemed frozen in time almost. Liv feared she'd start crying even more and she saw the worst case scenario played out with the girl screaming hysterically for her mother.

"Did you have a bad dream sweetie?" Liv asked. The girl brought one of her hands up to her mouth and she pinched her lip. Liv saw her shift weight on her tiny, bare feet as she tried to look around Liv, probably looking for her mother in her bedroom.  
"Mama had to work tonight okay? She's not here, she's at work," Liv got the girl's eyes back on her again.  
"I work with your mama, see this?" Liv put down her knee on the floor so she could reach her badge that was still hanging on her belt and show it to the girl. The girl blinked a few times as she looked at the badge. She seemed to recognize it and she took a step closer to Liv.

"Your mama has one just the same right," Liv smiled as the girl took another step to her. And then the little girl took the last few steps over to Liv and quickly crawled up in her arms, wrapping her tiny arms hard around her neck.  
"Oh sweetie," Liv whispered as she wrapped her arms around the tiny thing. She was clearly in need of a hug. Her body was still warm from the bed and she smelled like a mix of soap and that alluring baby smell. Her crazy hair tickled Olivia's cheek as she got up off the floor with the girl in her arms.

"You'll be fine. I got you," Olivia whispered as she started moving out towards the living room, rubbing her hand gently over the girl's back as the other one held on below her diaper dressed behind. Her tiny legs and feet cling on around Liv's midsection. They passed the living room like that for a while. Olivia wasn't sure if the girl was still awake or not but didn't dare to check in case that would wake her and she didn't really mind walking around like this. It felt really good to carry her like this, having her tiny arms wrapped around her neck, feeling her tiny breaths against her. But then Fay stirred and Liv selfishly felt a little happy that she was still awake. Fay sat up a little in her arms. Olivia gave her a smile and then finally Fay smiled back. She seemed wide awake and only a little sparkle in her left eye hinted that there had been tears falling earlier.

"Hi there," Liv mused as she gently removed that little hint of a tear and then let her hand move down on her tiny shoulder.  
"You're doing okay? Nightmare's gone?" Fay just smiled at her and then put her finger to Liv's cheek. It made Liv smile even brighter.  
"Do you remember me Fay? I'm your auntie Liv. I was there when you were born you know," Fay raised her eyebrows at that and it made Liv chuckle.  
"Yes I was," Liv continued even though she couldn't imagine Fay got what she was talking about, "you were the tiniest little thing and you gave you mama and me a bit of a scare you know." Liv let her hand go down the girl's arm and soon she held on to her little hand.  
"But you were just perfect. And very adorable just like you are still," Liv got her palm up to her lips and kissed it gently. Fay smiled but then yawned and put her head down on Liv's shoulder again.

"Oh you're tired sweetie. You wanna go back to sleep?" Liv started walking towards her bedroom but then Fay shook her head without getting it up off Liv's shoulder.  
"No?" Liv asked and tried to have a look at Fay's face. She still had her eyes open.  
"You want me to make you some formula? Read a story?" Fay nodded.  
"Is that yes to formula? Or story? Fay, you want some formula?" Liv asked to make sure and the girl nodded again. Liv figured it wouldn't hurt if she made formula and Fay didn't want it anyways so they headed into the kitchen. Liv got the formula out and shook it a few times before she stuffed it in the microwave.

"Okay Grace said full steam one minute," Liv talked mostly to herself and once the microwave was set she took a few steps around the kitchen and tried to rock Fay gently. The girl's head popped back up though and she pointed to the fridge.  
"What did you see?" Liv asked as she walked them closer. Fay's finger landed on a drawing.  
"You made that?" Liv asked and Fay nodded with a big smile on her face.  
"It's beautiful," Liv said and rubbed Fay's stomach gently to affirm how much she loved the drawing. It was mostly just blocks of different colors but for a two year old the blocks were very coordinated and the colors went from light to dark back to light again. Liv couldn't help but see a piece of paper by the drawing that read Gamblers anonymous and had two weekdays and times and a place mentioned further down.

"And who's that?" Liv mused as she saw a photo of Fay above the drawing. Fay smiled and turned her finger on herself. It was one of those photos you were set up for in school, the ones that rarely came out fine but of course Fay look adorable at this photo too. Her smile wasn't as bright but you could see life in the girl's eyes and her outfit and hairdo made the photo complete.  
"Yes that's Fay right? Cute, cute, cute," Liv smiled and wiggled Fay in her arms. The microwave let them know the formula was done and they headed over there. Liv made sure it wasn't too warm before she handed the zippy mug to Fay. She immediately put it to her lips and tipped the cup up.

"Okay should we read you a story while you drink that?" Liv suggested and moved down towards the bedrooms.  
"Your room or mama's?" Liv asked and headed towards Amanda's since it looked as though Fay hinted that way with her head. She put down Fay on the bed and she quickly sat down on her knees with the cup and blanket in her hands. Liv bent down by the bed and looked at the large stack of books down by the bed stand.

"You guys read a lot don't you?" Liv said as she looked through them. She grabbed the five that was on top and got back up. Fay had moved herself up the head of the bed and Liv sat down next to her.  
"Okay, so which one do you want to read then Fay?" she asked and spread out the books a little in her lap. Fay pointed to one and Liv got a little surprised when she saw which book it was. Where the wild things are by Maurice Sendak.  
"Wow, are you like twelve or what?" Liv smiled as she brought the other books back down. She remembered getting scared by this book as a kid herself and when she saw the movie a few years back she would remember having those feelings as a kid. Fay helped her open the book and Liv smiled at her eagerness. She got down a bit so she'd be closer to Fay and the girl quickly got in underneath her arm and rested her head on Liv's shoulder. Liv's heart skipped a beat as she felt the tiny body against her own.

"Okay so let's see if Max still gets in trouble," Liv mused and then started reading. She could tell Fay knew this story, surely had read it with her mom several times. She pointed to main character Max every time they turned a page and Liv felt her little body shiver the first time a monster appeared on the page. Liv got afraid she was scared but Fay looked completely relaxed as she gave her a look. Liv got interrupted a little while later as Fay suddenly stood up and Liv got impressed when Fay leaned over her to place her cup that she was done with on the bed stand beside Liv.

"You do dishes to?" Liv smiled as she lay back down. Fay got her blanket and snuggled up next to Liv again. She patted her hand against the book page to get Liv reading again.  
"Okay okay," Liv chuckled and Fay shot her a smile as she looked up at her.  
"You really are adorable aren't you," Liv smiled and then continued reading. Liv could tell Fay was getting sleepier and sleepier. Her hand didn't go to Max on every page and suddenly she felt Fay's finger in her hair. Liv had a hard time concentrating as she felt the girl's finger entwine her hair over and over again. Liv imagined this was how Amanda and Fay had it every night and Liv felt a sting of envy. They had a few pages left when Liv could tell Fay was asleep. Her body was still, her finger stuck in Liv's hair and with the blanket and thumb in her mouth she made the cutest muffled snoozes.

Liv carefully close the book and then just sat there for a while enjoying the moment. She was starting to feel tired herself though and she knew her neck would feel really bad in the morning if she stayed like this. Even though she feared she'd wake Fay she tried to slide down a little on the bed. Fay stirred but Liv noticed she easily just rearranged herself to the new position so Liv got her head down on the pillow and soon had Fay's arm over her and her head close to her own. She dared to put her hand above Fay's little one and smiled as she felt the warm skin underneath her fingers. A little later she fell asleep very peacefully with the now confirmed notion there was nothing better in the world than kids.

**Meanwhile Fin hadn't** gotten much sleep as Amanda was still wired. He'd been able to cross off many of the effects on the pamphlet the doctor had handed him earlier. This last one involved some very indecent proposals and even though it was far from uncommon they had sex when alone Fin knew the increased libido probably was an effect of the drugs right now and he didn't feel right exploiting it. It did take him a lot of mental strenght to keep her off him and not just give in.

Even before they'd reached the hospital he'd seen agitation, paranoia, increased confidence, increased heart rate, increased body temperature and hallucinations. He crossed them off the list just to have something to do while Amanda was dancing around the room. Since they got home he'd seen euphoria, sense of wellbeing and feeling more energetic and he crossed them off the list too. He went through the rest of the list and figured he could probably cross off 'feeling more awake and alert' and 'abrupt shifts in thought and speech'. And then this last one 'increased libido'. Check.

Once they got to his place she'd first started drinking a whole lot of water and she'd felt warm under his touch, her heart still beating fast and her pupils were dilated to the extend he barely saw her blues. He'd suggested she'd lie down but of course she didn't like that suggestion. Instead she'd gotten some music on and she'd started dancing around like his living room was some rave party. He'd made himself some coffee since he figured he wouldn't get much sleep and probably needed some stimulant too to help him stay awake with her. Once he came back from the kitchen she'd undressed down to her bra and panties and Fin hurried to pull the curtains just in case. He got her one of his tees and helped her put it on as her feet kept pounding. Her bra would soon come flying through the air and he couldn't help but smile as she jumped up on the sofa next to him swinging her hips almost violently. He feared she would trip though and he guided her down after some stumbles that nearly had her falling over.

He tried turning down the music a little as the clock reached midnight and he feared neighbors would start pounding the walls if he didn't get the sound down. He wished he could turn a button on her too just to get her wired down just a little.

All of a sudden she felt like taking a shower because she felt drenched and Fin followed to keep an eye on her. Then she was back to dancing again though. Now in a new tee that almost reached her knees and that was all she wore. She jumped down by his side on the couch suddenly and started telling him about this idea she had. He couldn't follow her though. First it was something about a new smoothie flavor and then a quick jump to something someone said to her last week, back to a great name for a smoothie. Tropic-pine-ngo. She made it sound like the world's best invention. He asked if she was hungry but she shook him off almost violently and then she went over to a subject Fin connected with pot like he connected fashion with anorexia. Conspiracy theories.

There was something about the Montauk project on Long island and then how she thought Munch might be involved. Fin couldn't pretend he didn't find it entertaining to listen to her as she talked about time travels, Nazi gold and some horrible monster from a foreign world. Munch would surely have loved it, both to listen and to know Amanda thought he had time travelled. He was almost disappointed as she jumped back up and started dancing again. She kept talking though and let Fin knew that if they ever developed psychological warfare at Montauk or a monster came through the underground tunnel she would have his back. She showed him how she would crush the monster with her bare hands. And with that Fin crossed off 'a sense of power and superiority over others' from the list on the pamphlet.

An hour later he was getting very tired though and tried getting her to wire down. Every time she sat down next to him though she had these weird tics going on with her body and she started scratching her neck to the point it was getting red. So he let her keep dancing for a while longer and hope she would wire down on her own. She wouldn't though and by 2 am her libido kicked in hard. She was all over him and he struggled to keep her off, literary because she was very intense and flexible but also because he had a hard time saying no to her in general. Especially as she was dressed in only an oversized tee that she tried taking off every chance she got right now. She got frustrated as he kept turning her down though, to the point she got aggressive and had he'd been able to he'd cross that off the list too.

"My body feels like a porn star," she suddenly said as he held on to her wrists and tried pushing her away a little.  
"What?" he chuckled as he wasn't sure he'd heard her right. It took a while for her eyes to focus on him but then she gave him an almost shy smile and for a second she seemed like her old self.  
"My body feels like a porn star," she repeated a little quieter as her smile spread across her face.

"It does does it?" he smiled as his heart just melted. He let his grip around her wrists ease a little as he took a deep breath and kept watching her. His partner was crazy. She'd been crazy for putting herself in harm's way and that had left her drugged and crazy in another way. He was angry at her because of this but then he also felt a hint of admiration. Nick had texted him a few hours earlier letting him know Amanda had caught Anton on tape giving away some crucial information that they most likely could use to bring Mimi down. That left Fin feeling such a relief he hadn't felt since back when Amanda woke up in the hospital after her shooting or after the birth of Fay.

Amanda squirmed a bit on top of him, letting out a sound that told him just how frustrated she felt and he let go of her wrists completely.  
"You won't hate me in the morning if I take advantage of you?" he asked and stroke her cheek gently.  
"I'll love you," she smiled and leaned a little closer to him.  
"It's not under duress so I'll hold you to it," he said and with her on his hips he got up off the couch. She squealed cheerfully as a teenager with Bieberfever and he didn't evaluate the fact that made him feel even more turned on.

**An hour later** she finally drifted off to sleep by his side and he soon followed. He'd wake up only an hour later though feeling her body tremble. He immediately sat up and put his hands on her. She was breathing shallow and rapidly and he could clearly see pearls of sweat on her face and down by her collarbone.  
"Amanda?" he asked and shook her a little. She opened her mouth slightly and her lip started shivering. He opened her eyelid only to find her eye rolled up. He checked the other one, it was in the same state.  
"Amanda? Hey? How are you doing?" he asked very concerned about what was going on with her.

"I'm cold," she managed to stutter. He wasn't surprised, he'd checked her forehead and she clearly was running a fever. He quickly went into the bathroom and put a towel under the cold water. He came back out and put it on her forehead. It seemed to hurt her more than it eased but he still used it to wipe her down a little. He didn't like the fact her eyes were rolled up inside her head but other than that the fever seemed to be the main problem making her body tremble and cause her great distress. She complained again of being cold and he bundled her up properly. He went back into the bathroom and drenched the towel again as he got her a glass of water too. He made her have some water and then let her settle back down as he used the towel on her forehead. He stayed by the side of the bed, kneeled down and at times fell asleep with his head next to her still trembling body. He woke up every time she jerked. At about five am the fever seemed to have eased and Fin climbed back in bed after he'd change the bedcover. He was too tired to bother with the sheet right now though.

**He woke up** from his phone buzzing at the bed stand when it was about 9 am. He was too slow to respond but checked the phone log and saw he'd missed a call from Liv. He checked on Amanda who seemed to be sleeping peacefully and then sneaked into the bathroom with the phone. He made a visit to the toilet first and then phoned Liv back. She was apparently at the station, Fay was doing good and Liv had dropped her off at the nursery school about 8:30. Liv asked how they were doing and Fin briefed her in only so few words as he got interrupted by yawns ever so often. She asked him what he wanted her and Nick to do with the tape and Fin let her know he'd be in in just a few.

He got in the shower for a quicky, got dressed and then went into the kitchen. He pushed a cinnamon roll in his mouth and poured two glasses of orange juice. He emptied one quickly as he felt dried up and then rinsed it and filled it with water. He was still chewing on the last of the roll as he reentered the bedroom. He put the two glasses on table by her side of the bed and next to them he placed the sheet of pills the doctor had sent them home with yesterday. He kneeled down by her side and stroked her arm gently. Her skin felt just the right temperature. He stroke away some hair from her face and whispered her name gently.

"Amanda?" the second time he whispered her name he grabbed her arm a little and she let out a tiny whimper. Her brows frown but it seemed to hurt and she eased them down again.  
"How are you doing?" he asked and started stroking her arm gently again. Again all he heard was a tiny whimper.  
"Amanda, can you hear me?" he had to make sure and he saw her try to water her mouth a little before he heard a husky 'yes'.  
"I have to go into work okay? Get the tape in order that you got last night. Do you remember?"  
"Where am I?" she asked with the same husky voice and without opening her eyes.  
"You're at my place. In my bed and just stay here okay. Rest. Recuperate. I've left you a glass of water and a glass of OJ by the bed. You have some pills there too that the doctor gave you, take one if you don't feel better a little later okay?"  
"Doctor?" she asked.  
"Yeah we saw a doctor yesterday. Don't worry though. It was off the books. You'll be fine," he patted her arm a little as she sighed.  
"I won't scold you right now for what you did but just don't ever do this again," he had to say it but then he leaned in and kissed her temple carefully. Her face still crumbled up by the light touch of his lips. He leaned back again and just watched her for a while.

Something was nagging in his stomach. This felt familiar in a way, something that happen in the past and that he'd fought to push away. Another woman he'd cared about a lot but tried to not think about because of her fate and the part he had in it. Nothing could happen to Amanda. On the job was one thing, sure he didn't want her to get hurt there either but it was a risk they'd signed up for. He'd have her back and she'd have his. But off hours? Fay needed her mother. Fin preferred to be selfish, put his needs first, but it suddenly dawn on him Amanda and Fay meant too much to him he was willing to put himself second. For Fay's sake Amanda needed to stay away from trouble. Perhaps she needed to stay away from him? The thoughts going around his head made him felt sad and he tried shaking it off.

"Don't worry about Fay okay. Liv stayed the night with her and she's at school already. I'll call Eva a little later and ask her to pick her up afterwards. We'll see how you're feeling a little later and what we'll do about her." Amanda felt a little bad she hadn't even paid Fay a single thought up until now but the amount of pain every single inch of her body caused her made her forget about that for now.  
"But stay here okay. Liv got your keys and your phone's at the station so stay here and use my home phone to call me later and we'll figure everything out. Try and eat something a little later. There's cinnamon rolls on the counter," Fin couldn't help but smile as Amanda's face told him what she thought about the bare thought of rolls right now. He placed a kiss on her arm and hoped it wouldn't hurt as much as her temple and then got up so he could head to the station.

**Once at the station** he hung his jacket on his chair and then he headed towards the lounge with Nick and Liv. Nick asked him how Amanda was doing as Fin poured himself a well needed cup of coffee. Fin gave them a short summery of the night and morning, leaving out the most embarrassing parts to spare Amanda. And of course the intimate parts. Nick handed him a transcript of the recording she'd had made last night. It was gold.

"We should bring it past the captain," Liv said as they planned what to do next. Fin had doubts though. He wouldn't agree to any actions that could harm Amanda in any way. He'd caused this and would take any repercussions if there would be any. But he realized holding it from the captain may lead to worse consequences so he finally nodded in agreement. All three of them made their way over to the captain's office and Fin asked if he had a minute.

"Of course," was his immediate response but Fin could tell he got wary as all three of them walked in and Nick closed the door behind them. Cragen put his pen down and watched them a bit suspiciously. His eyes landed on Liv but she seemed to avoid his eyes which made him even more worried.

"We got something that might be useful to take Mimi down," Fin started.  
"Mimi Escobar?" Cragen asked and Fin nodded. Fin leaned in and handed Cragen the transcript. Nick had put Anton's full name on there but Amanda's was signed with the single letter R. Not the most clever choice but Nick had been tired last night and it was the only thing he'd thought of. Cragen gave them all another look before he let his eyes quickly go through the pages. The three detectives all waited a bit nervously. Cragen went back and forth between two pages but then closed the transcript before he got to the last page. He gave Fin a look since he was the closest.

"Is there a reason Rollins isn't in yet?" he asked and it didn't go unnoticed that both Liv's and Nick's eyes went to Fin's back.  
"She might not be in today but she's fine," Fin said a bit cryptically. Cragen looked down on the transcript as his hand swiped over it. They all waited for his response.

"What do you want to do with it?" Cragen asked without looking at them and it was hard to hear on his voice where his mind was at.  
"I can get it to some of my friends over in narc and they will bust it or we," Nick gestured between himself and the captain as he had looked up as he started to talk, "take it to my old captain." It was only suggestions from his part and Nick hoped the captain knew this. Cragen looked down again. He didn't seem happy with any of it.

"You went out and did this without my authorization?" Cragen asked as he looked back up. Again Liv's and Nick's eyes went to Fin, this time a little more subtle though but Cragen spotted it.  
"It's on me captain," Fin said. Cragen flipped a few pages in the transcript as he sat up a little more straight in his chair.

"I have a hard time believing it was you that," Cragen looked down on the page, "Baby, I'm like a firefighter, I find 'em hot and leave 'em wet. He said that to you?" Liv cleared her throat a little, it was seldom she heard their captain talk like this and it was awkward.  
"Another one? It's not the crudest one," Cragen asked but Fin kept his trap closed. Liv was silently praying Cragen wouldn't go on to another one of Anton's lame pick-up lines. Hearing them come out of their captain's mouth just seemed wrong.  
"Maybe one from R? Not as crude but it will not sound good in court," Cragen sounded angry but it thankfully didn't seem to be escalating.

"It wouldn't have to," Nick stopped mid-sentence as he noticed Liv's hand in the air but it was too late as he saw Cragen's stern glare at him. All he'd wanted to say was that the transcription wouldn't have to be used, they could say it was an anonymous tip.

"Leave us," Cragen said once the room had been silent for a while. Nick stayed still, waiting for Liv to make a move first. She'd know whether or not they should stay put. Liv's eyes wandered from Cragen to the side of Fin's head and then back to the captain again. She took a deep breath and then turned for the door. Nick followed and closed the door behind them as the captain told him to. They walked over to their desks but remained standing there looking back at the captain's office. Fin remained standing with his back to them, hands still in his pocket in that sheepish way he sometimes did. Cragen remained seated, he was talking but didn't seem enraged which was probably a good sign.

Liv and Nick stayed quiet. They had to wait a few minutes but then finally Fin came back out holding the transcript in his hand. As usual his face told them nothing. He went straight for his chair though and grabbed his jacket. He nodded at Nick as soon as he turned.

"Let's go pay your old captain a visit," he said and Nick gave Liv a confused look.  
"Well go then," Liv said to him and it got him moving. As usual he felt like he missed something and while Liv just seemed to roll with it, Nick had a hard time doing that.

Fin would never let him in on what was said in that office. It would remain between the two in there. Fin had a hard time trusting people but should know by now that he could trust his captain. Cragen had calmed down once they were alone. He'd asked a few questions but Fin had not told him much. The not talking had told Cragen enough though, he'd figured out quickly Amanda had gone out on her own. Cragen could tell Fin wasn't happy with it and they would have a confrontation the three of them in a few days. But for now Cragen just made sure Amanda was okay and then gave Fin the go ahead to pay Nick's old captain a visit. He told Fin though that he didn't want SVU to be a part of any bust against Mimi's quarters and Fin would hear him.

**Four days later** the NY drug enforcement task force would hit five locations simultaneous, they busted both Mimi and Anton in one of them. 26 arrests, five of them were people way up on the food chain and drugs with the street value of about $12 million were confiscated along with a large amount of weapons. It was considered a great bust and the initial source would be listed as 'anonymous informant'. There would be a few informed people though that knew they had Amanda to thank for it all. Fin was one of them but he was torn since he still felt as though she shouldn't have done it.

Amanda would have regrets also but only because the way she felt the days after her high. She would never understand why people did drugs. Sure she had some pleasurable memories of that night but they felt unreal and like they happened to someone else. Like she remembered them from watching a screen of someone else experiencing them. What was the fun in that? And the hung-over. Worst ever. She'd slept the entire day, waking up only as Fin came back home that afternoon. Fay got to stay at her neighbors that night as Amanda kept sleeping.

She was back at work the day after though but still not feeling like herself. It would take a couple of days until she felt back in old form. Cragen would call her and Fin in to his office the day after the bust. He'd let them know the result, not knowing Fin had already made himself informed. And with not so many words Cragen let Amanda know she should feel good about the bust but never ever do this again. Neither Fin nor Cragen came down on her too hard though since they both knew her well enough by now to know she did some serious scolding at herself.

Fin felt as though he'd gotten his life back and it was all thanks to Amanda so he couldn't come down on her too hard. He stuck around her place for a couple of days as she was getting back to her old self. He took care of Fay best he could so Amanda could be left at her own like she seemed to be in need of right now. He kept a good look at her too though.

At times you needed someone to keep an eye on you. Little did they know though that later that year Fay would be the one they should have kept their eye on. A parent's worst nightmare would come true.


	25. In the absent of Faith

**So sorry for the long wait. Had the chance to get out of the country for 2 weeks. Was planning to keep writing but I just got occupied exploring the new enviroment. This is the first of two conjoint chapters. The 2nd one will soon be up.**

**XXX**

Amanda had been really satisfied with the daycare Fay had been in since she was just an infant and she'd tried to stay away from the pressure parents often got to get their children educated very early on. But it was the daycare that had started to hint that perhaps Fay was longing for more challenges. The school had a very open politic when it came to their classes before grade school, they went by the child's development more than the age which was good in their case since Fay was a November child and in any other school might have been kept back because of that. Amanda was lucky that Fay never showed any sign of the complications that could come with being born premature. Now that her speech slowly started to catch up there was nothing Amanda worried about. In the development area that was.

Amanda worried constantly about all the freaks she knew roamed the streets and car accidents and fires and everything else she imagined happening to her and her daughter. This was thoughts though that Amanda managed to push down most of the time, only leaking out in nightmares or when she had a bad day.

Fay's nursery school had a well developed arts & crafts department. They used arts and crafts in almost every subject. That fall Amanda and Fay visited the preschool class just to see how Fay fitted in. As they sat in on a gym class Amanda hadn't been able to hold Fay back from joining in when the kids got to build geometric symbols with their own bodies, having to work together to build bigger forms. It wasn't the first time she'd seen how well her kid interacted with others but it made her just as proud every time she got to witness it. And the gym teacher had told Amanda it wasn't a problem and the other kids had loved having a new and younger kid with them. Amanda knew her daughter had one very helpful attribute, it wasn't just grown-ups who got drawn into her daughter's blond afro, kids loved it too. It made her stand out from the crowd and then with that enchanting smile she could get anyone hooked within a second. Seeing her daughter try and make her body bend like her very own triangle just settled what she and the school already felt – Fay was ready.

Fay didn't even seem to need Amanda around as she explored the class room on her own with her new teachers and her soon to be new classmates. Amanda didn't have a problem with her daughter's independence since she knew that back home Fay still craved plenty of mother and me time. It was decided Fay would join her new class next term and they would get her some special aid starting now to help her speech along. They all believed though that she would pick the language up even faster by joining the older kids. They would be right even though the speech would be a little behind for another few years. Fay had a habit of mispronouncing certain words and she got them twisted in sometimes funny ways. Fin of course thought it was sweet how she asked for pancakes with bluebabies instead of blueberries. Same with strawbabies. But Amanda reminded him it wouldn't be as sweet in college. Fin just replied Fay would never be that old. And it was saying things like that you remembered when tragic hit.

They were getting close to Fay's third birthday when Amanda got that phone call from school that no parent ever should get. It was actually Cragen who took it since the school's principal had failed to reach Amanda but expressed how urgent of a matter it was. Cragen walked out of his office and asked Liv who was sitting at her desk which interrogation room Amanda was in. He knew she and Fin was interrogation a suspect. Liv gave him the right room and Cragen quickly walked down the hall. He found Nick watching outside the window.

"I need to interrupt," Cragen said and knocked on the window without even checking where they were at. He open the door and got greeted by two surprised, leaning towards angry sets of eyes and one scared looking set on the suspect. Cragen called Amanda out and she quickly came over. He grabbed Amanda's arm and led her down the hall a bit. Fin came out too and closed the door behind him to shut the suspect out. He looked to Nick for an answer to what was going on but Nick just shrugged his shoulders and shook his head. They both looked over at their captain who'd now let go of Amanda's arm but was still standing very close to her.

"Fay's school called," Cragen told Amanda and she immediately felt chills running down her back.  
"What's wrong?" she asked and was surprised she was able to as she'd felt her throat close shut.  
"She's missing. Someone grabbed her over the fence. Police are already there though. There's an Amber alert out," Cragen spoke firmly but fast as he wanted to give Amanda as much information as he had so far. Amanda felt all blood leave her head and she felt cold all over. Her eyes went from Cragen, over his shoulder onto Fin who was standing a few yards away with Nick right by his side. Fin could tell by her vacant eyes and sudden pale face that something was very wrong.

"We'll find her Amanda," she heard her captain say just before her knees gave way. Cragen saw her fall and grabbed her as both Fin and Nick jolted to their side. Cragen managed to keep Amanda upright and Fin was soon there to help him keep her that way.  
"What's wrong?" Fin asked and looked from Amanda to Cragen as he could tell Amanda wasn't in a state to talk right now.  
"Someone grabbed Fay from her preschool. There's an Amber alert out," Cragen told him and Nick who were both eagerly waiting to get answers to what was going on.

"What?" Fin asked shocked but Cragen didn't have time to fill them in more as Amanda gasped for air with a long and ghastly shriek that made Fin's blood freeze as realization hit him. She grabbed for his shirt and he felt her entire body shake violently as he let her into his arms. Her shriek muffled against his chest. He'd seen her dying, he'd seen her right out of birth and surgery and he'd seen her having a panic attack but it was nothing close to this. He knew this wasn't the time to shut down and he couldn't let her either. He grabbed her and pushed her away a bit.

"We have to go," he said as he almost shook her a little. She nodded though and all four of them started to walk hastily down the hall towards the squad room. Fin kept a steady hand on her upper arm. He couldn't shake off some horrific pictures that went through his head as he thought of possible scenarios on what could have happen to their daughter.  
"Okay we're all going down there, I'll call ahead to learn who's in charge," Cragen said. Liv rose from her desk as she saw them all coming rushing down the hall.

"Fay's missing," Nick let her know and it took her a second to register. She looked at Amanda who was already on her way towards the gate but stopped as she realized she needed her jacket with her car keys in it. Cragen had rushed into his office and came out with his coat in his hand. Fin had grabbed both his and Amanda's jackets and met Amanda as she turned back.

"Are my keys in there?" she asked Fin and he helped her search her pockets.  
"Let us drive Amanda," Liv said as she wasn't sure Amanda should be driving right now.  
"No, I need my car, her things… I have things in there for scent and all," she rambled and made Liv's eyes tear up as she understood where her head was at.

"We'll find her," Nick said as he came up to them ready to head out of there.  
"I'll drive," Fin said when he had Amanda's car keys in his hand and he met Amanda's eyes briefly.  
"Let's go," Cragen said to get them all going. They all almost took off sprinting.

When they got downstairs Fin and Amanda sprinted over the yard to get to her car. The others took to the left as Nick led them there.  
"I'll tail you," Nick yelled after Fin as he and Amanda ran over the pavement. Cragen followed Liv to Nick's car and they got in as soon as he open it for them. Nick knew he had to hurry to stay on Fin's tail. He heard the screeches of the tires on Amanda's car as he speeded out of there. Cragen, who sat in the passenger seat, got on his phone to find out who was in charge of Fay's abduction from the school premises. Both Liv and Nick kept their eyes on the car ahead. Both of them was thinking about Amanda but none of them really wanted to know what she was thinking right now.

Amanda was thinking about the last time she'd seen her daughter earlier that day. Fay had waved goodbye at her mommy but already turned her head around to something going on inside. Always so curious, eager to get to school to explore and learn new things. Amanda had seen that tiny form disappear inside. The last glimpse being of the hem of her skirt and the back of her foot with those stripped tights and brown boots. Usually it was the hair and her bright smile that left her eye the last but this morning it had been the skirt and the tights, for once color coordinated. Neither one of them really cared if something matched or not when it came to the girl's clothing. Comfort had preference and with such a colorful school she fitted right in whatever she wore. Had it been a premonition? That today of all days she'd taken extra notice to what she was wearing so she now could tell the police what to look for?

"Oh God," she panted and covered her mouth with both hands. Fin looked over at her. He saw the tears forming in her eyes. He reached over and grabbed her hard. Grabbed a whole fist of her shirt and held on until the car skidded and he had to put both hands back on the wheel again.  
"We'll find her," he almost screamed as he stared straight ahead.

In the other car Nick gasped a little as he saw the car in front of him skid a little. He met Liv's eyes briefly in the back mirror. Cragen was on the phone with the man in charge of Fay's case. As he hung up he let Nick and Liv know it was a young male and a young female that had been sighted but the descriptions so far was vague. Fay had been playing with a group of kids her own age and getting three year olds to talk wasn't the easiest they all knew. Cragen reached out and held on to the handle above his head as Nick skidded through a curve. He was trying hard to keep up with Fin which wasn't easy at the speed he was going.

The people in the back car all felt a bit relieved as they saw Fay's school. Liv had let them know since she'd been here once dropping off Fay. She recalled that morning now. Even though the circumstances hadn't been the best Liv had enjoyed that night and morning so much. Fay waking up from her nightmare only to fall asleep on Liv's arm a little while later. And the tiny girl had been tired in the morning but still alert enough to interact with. Such a gentle and cute kid it stung a little in Liv's heart now that she recalled why they were all there.

There were plenty of police cars gathered and a lot of people buzzing all over the place. Nick parked next to Fin and they got out and followed Fin and Amanda as they rushed up to the main gate.  
A teacher alerted sergeant Chad Weston that the missing girl's mother had arrived and Chad turned to look at her. He'd worked plenty of missing kid's cases by now but he'd never get used to that frantic look on the parent's face.

"Amanda Rollins?" he asked as she reached him and she nodded, looking as though she was out of breath. He'd been unsure if he should have used 'detective' but he figured she was here foremost as a mother right now. The fact she was a detective would hopefully get them through the procedure quicker though.  
"Sergeant Chad Weston," he said and quickly shook her hand and then grabbed Fin's just as hastily.

"What do you know?" Fin asked in Amanda's place. Chad saw a familiar face as captain Cragen approached. He was accompanied by another male and female. They greeted each other quickly with a nod as Chad spoke.  
"Approximately 40 minutes ago a young male in his 20s jumped the fence on the back and handed your daughter over to a young female, 20s or younger, on the other side of the fence. They were seen running away by a teacher of the school."  
"Mrs Beasley from 3rd grade," an older lady jumped in and let them know. She'd put her hand on Amanda's arm as she approached them and Amanda had put her hand over hers as though she was familiar with her. Fin would later learn she was the principal.

"We have a sketch artist coming to sit down with mrs Beasley. Faith was with a group of four other kids when they grabbed her and we have the four kids set up in different rooms with teachers and each with a police that are familiar to talk to young kids. Their parents are on their way too to help out. So far we don't have much from those kids though. Two eight year olds saw everything too and we're talking to them as well, and of course we're questioning everyone on the premises," Chad finally had to take a breath.

"No other teacher's were out?" Fin asked with an angrier tone than attended.  
"Yes but none of them saw it happen, only their backs as they ran down the street," Chad informed him. The principal looked very guilty.  
"I'm so very sorry Amanda," she said but Amanda couldn't really handle her right now.

"What can I do?" she instead asked Chad.  
"We have a vague description of the outfit she wore today so if we could go through that," Chad left room for Amanda to nod, "we got a recent photo of her so it's already out all over the city. She has no allergies right? No medication?" Amanda shook her head.

"I have to ask, there's no mention of Faith's father. Is it possible he's behind this?" Chad had to ask as it was very common a non-custodian parent was behind a child's abduction. Amanda's eyes never even went towards Fin.  
"You can rule him out," she just said and Chad nodded. The fact Amanda was a detective made him trust her.

"Could it be linked to any of the cases you're working? Any threats made?" Chad had to ask this too. Amanda tried to think hard but slowly shook her head meanwhile. She looked towards Fin who shook his head too.  
"We'll rule it out, assume it's a stranger for now," Cragen jumped in. A large car had driven in that caught Chad's eye.

"The canine unit is here. Do you have anything of Faith's that we can use?" Chad asked.  
"Did she have blanky with her?" Amanda turned to the principal.  
"Ms Delroy? Susan?" the older lady called out and Amanda only now noticed Fay's teacher and teacher aid was nearby. They came over quickly. Ms Delroy gave Amanda a quick hug. While Amanda had been able to collect herself the staff were all teary eyed and visible affected by the events.

"Faith's blanket, did she have it out with her?" Amanda already knew the answer to the principal's question and the two teachers also shook their head.  
"Never outside," Susan said.  
"Can you get it?" Amanda asked and Susan immediately ran inside to fetch it.  
"She sleeps with it, it will work," Amanda let Chad know.  
"Okay let's get you inside to get down what Faith wore today," Chad said.

"I'll go with the K9," Fin said and Nick jumped in on that. Olivia quickly decided to stay by Amanda's side as Fin was leaving.  
"I want to see where she was taken," Amanda said as Chad guided her up on the school premises. He nodded and with Olivia and Cragen following they took a walk around the school. Olivia looked up at the window and saw kids in many of them, curiously peeking out on the commotion outside and all the blue lights. Some reporters, or perhaps it was just regular people with cameras, had gathered too. Of course it was exciting for the kids. They couldn't grasp the horridness of it all. A child was missing. A child they knew. Susan came running by them with Fay's rugged blanky in her hands.

Chad had introduced detective Lexie Ambrose to her as they started walking. She'd been taking notes by Chad's side the short time Amanda had been there.  
"Can we just go through what she wore, it's important to get that information out there," Chad asked as they reached a calm part of the lawn. Amanda nodded and stopped as Chad put a hand on her elbow. Lexie was ready with her tablet to get the information straight out on the Amber alert.  
"Okay," Amanda said as she took a deep breath and thought back to this morning. That wasn't such a good idea though cause a lot of emotions came crashing down and her eyes immediately teared up. Olivia was quickly there with a comforting hand on the back of her arm.

"You can do this," she whispered and Amanda took another deep breath to push down the emotions for now. Liv let go of her as Amanda gave her a quick nod and it looked as though she'd been able to collect herself. No one would blame her if she fell apart but it was obviously better if she could stay collected a while longer.

"She wore this like cotton tee dress, dark pink with brown trims. Trims around her neck and arms. Short sleeved," Amanda gestured with her hand to show them, "with a printed owl on her chest. Brown owl with white eyes. She had brown and dark pink striped tights. Brown leather boots, with zippers on the insides. She needs help with the zippers." Amanda's voice stocked up a bit. She gathered herself quickly though.  
"If she was outside she should have been wearing her jacket. It's a Frugi, that's the brand, a snuggle fleece. We just bought it. It's reversible, on one side solid brown and on the other brown with white dots. With a hood. Snap buttons at the neck."

"Lex can you show Amanda the photo just to make sure it's up to date," Chad asked and as soon as Lexie had punched something in she held up the screen so Amanda, Liv and Cragen could see it. Amanda's hand went to cover her mouth. It wasn't the sight of her daughter's precious face that had frightened her but the large printed letters above it. AMBER ALERT.  
"Is it current enough?" Chad asked and Amanda managed to nod. She hadn't noticed both Cragen's and Liv's hand had gone to her back as an unconscious gesture to show their support. It wasn't easy for either of them to see the poster but they knew it must be ten times harder for Amanda.

They kept walking to the back of the school. Immediately they saw an area that was marked with yellow tape and uniforms guarded the scene.

"We have a CSI team coming to look for prints on the fence. Unfortunately its common kids climb on it and walk along the railing so the hopes of us finding a decent print isn't high I'm afraid. But we'll try," Chad informed them as they approached the fence. Amanda's stomach turned a bit as she thought of the fact her daughter had been playing here not even an hour ago and now she was God knows where. Chad kept talking and pointing to where the other kids were standing and where the abductors took off. Amanda's eyes went to Fin though that she saw coming down the street on the other side of the fence. He was following a man and a dog. Amanda saw Fay's blanky in Fin's hand and her throat hurt. This couldn't be happening.

Chad had noticed he'd lost Amanda's attention and followed her eyes to the K-9. They watched as the K-9 officer got his partner ready. He took the blanket from Fin and held it to the dog's snout. He immediately started barking after he'd taken some sniffs on it and then they were off. Fin and Nick fought to keep up with the officer and his dog and they were followed by another few uniforms.

"Let's get inside so we can listen in on their progress as we get going on the rest," Chad said and steered Amanda back to the main building. They'd gotten a room set up for their equipment and Chad's team was all set up in there by now. He left Amanda and Liv with Lexie right by a radio as he asked if he could borrow Cragen outside for a minute. Chad wanted to rule out this being linked to Amanda's job and get permission to put a trace on her phone in case there would be a ransom demand.

**Meanwhile Fin and Nick** followed Officer Javier and his partner, a 6-year-old German Shepard called Danz down the street. Nick kept his eyes partly upwards to look for street cameras that could help them. They had a guy with them in uniform that was talking in to his radio as they went, giving whoever it was on the other side information on their whereabouts. Nick pointed out a street camera to him, he nodded and then gave directions and orders to get the frames from it. They crossed the street at the lights. This wasn't a busy neighborhood. It was mostly a residential area and since it was the middle of a workday not many were outside. They went down another two streets, then down an alley.

Nick couldn't spot a single camera and he wondered if the abductors knew this. If that was the case they could be dealing with professionals. Fin feared the dog would lose its trail in the alley. Perhaps that's where they had their vehicle waiting? But Danz kept going and they reached a rather busy street with some shops and a café. Unfortunately this is where Danz seemed to lose his trail. He went up and down a little out on the street and uniforms helped keep cars away from them by gesturing them past. Danz took his trout off the ground and starting sniffing the air.

"They probably jumped a car here, I'm not sure he'll be able to take us any longer," Javier said. Javier kept the blanket and tried getting Danz to get the trail back as the rest spread out around the area. Uniforms stopped people on the street and asked if they'd seen the child on the Amber alert. They had lots of print outs with them. Nick and Fin headed into a store on the corner and walked straight up to the counter.

"Have you seen this girl in here?" Fin asked and held up a poster. The overweight guy behind the counter took a good look at it.  
"No, I don't think so," he said with a sad face.  
"Are you sure? Only like thirty minutes ago or so?" Fin asked wanting desperately to pick up a clue. The guy shook his head.

"How about a young man or a young woman with a hoodie?" Nick asked.  
"There was a guy in here with a hoodie only like twenty minutes ago," the guy informed them. Fin's interest rose again.  
"Yeah? What did he look like?"  
"Well he had a hood on so I couldn't really see his hair and all but he was like twenty something. Average height but scrawny looking even in the hood. He had a barbell in his eyebrow. He bought a pack of smokes and a candy bar."

"Did he pay cash or with card?"  
"Cash," the guy said and Fin couldn't help but sigh loudly.  
"Is that working?" Nick asked and pointed to the camera above his head.  
"I'm afraid not, it's just for show," he said and again Fin moaned.  
"Anything else you can give us? He kidnapped a child," Nick said and the guy looked even more miserable as he shook his head.  
"Did you see where he took off?"  
"Out and left, that's all I saw."  
"And you didn't see a girl in a hoodie or this little girl?" Nick held up his flyer. The guy shook his head.  
"Thanks," Nick said and they headed back out after Nick had left a flyer for the man to put up in his window. Javier and his dog were a little bit up the street and they started to head over there. There was a fruit stand on the other side of the alley and an elderly, black man sat in a plastic chair beside it.

"Excuse me sir, have you seen this little girl?" Nick asked and handed the man a flyer. He obviously had bad eye sight as he brought the flyer right up to his nose and squinted.  
"You bet your heart I have," he said though and he got a smile on his face. Fin's eyes popped wide open.  
"When?"  
"Just now," the old man said.  
"You're sure?" Nick asked.  
"My eyes are not what they used to be young man but that blonde afro and that adorable smile did not escape them," he said with that authority only a man with that voice and the wisdom that lay behind it could claim.

"Did you see the people she was with?" Fin hoped for a miracle. He shook his head though and looked down for a second before he raised his cane and pointed with it.  
"She was right there on the curb, a slender person had her on his or her shoulder. The girl waved at me, I wanted to give the girl an apple," the man looked to his side and the deep red apples that was piled up on the table, "but she was too far away and they didn't hear me, me thinks."  
"You only saw one person with her?" Nick asked.

"First one and then another one, that one was male I know. He came over and handed the girl something that looked like a candy bar. An apple had been much better for her."  
"Did you see where they went?"  
"They walked over to the curb there," again he pointed with his cane, "the man had a cigarette and gave the other one one too. You should not smoke that close to a child. After a while a car pulled up. It was blue. They got in and that was that."

"A blue car. Anything else you can give us on the car? Two doors? Four doors? License plate?"  
"Four doors, they got in in the back. My eyes could not spot a license plate I'm afraid. I do believe the driver was male though, much heavier built than the cigarette man."  
"Did you see if they dropped their cigarettes before they got in the car?" Fin asked thinking they might get dna from them if left behind.  
"My eyes did not spot that I'm afraid," the man grinned.

"Thank you sir, thank you," Nick said and they headed over to check the curb. There was a few cigarettes stumps around and Nick asked a uniform to collect them all just in case. They headed over to Javier who informed them Danz had lost his trail and they unfortunately couldn't be of more help. Nick told him they had a lead though and thanked them. Fin called some of the uniforms over and told them they were searching for a blue, four door car with a male driver. Nick added they should search the street for cameras, there had to be at least one that had caught that blue car.

**Missing 1 hour**

Meanwhile Amanda had lost a little hope as she heard the man on the radio call in that the K-9 unit had lost the trail. Lexie suggested they would check in on how the interrogations with the kids were going and they headed down the corridor. A couple of the parents had reached the school and was now helping out getting their kids to remember what they saw. They didn't get much out of the younger ones though. A boy told them a man had jumped the fence, he'd been like Spiderman. He'd picked Fay up and thrown her over the fence. It felt though as the throwing part could have been exaggerated a little, at least Amanda hoped so.

A sketching artist was working with one of the eight year olds. They had already done the male and Liv had a closer look on it. It wasn't that detailed unfortunately. The hood was most prominent, the face slim with not many characteristics. They were working on the female and unfortunately it looked as it was going to be very similar to the male. Face was squarer though but she had no eye or hair color, just like the male figure. His hoodie had been dark blue and hers dark green.

Another sketch artist was in with mrs Beasley and they had a little more detail. Both individuals had turned back at her as she yelled at them as they walked down the street. So apparently they hadn't taken off running. They both had very fair skin. She thought the woman was blonde but she hadn't seen the hair on the male. He had blue jeans though and boots. The kind mrs Beasley had seen skinheads wear. That got Amanda a little worried. She thought of the kids that had been with Fay. A girl with white skin and then three boys. One of them was much darker then Fay. Had it been a racial thing wouldn't they have taken him instead? Once out in the corridor Amanda had to voice her concern.

"It couldn't be a racial thing could it?" she asked Lexie who looked uncertain.  
"We should bring it by Chad just in case," she said and led them down the corridor.

Some time passed with nothing much happening. Fin and Nick came back and got on the task to find images of the blue car. Tips were coming in to the hotline that Munch had help set up back at the squad room and they struggled to check up on every single one that was phoned in. But they would still do it because this was one in their family. Of course every missing child got attention but they would lie if they didn't admit they were working extra hard on this case. Everyone wanted Fay back with her mama as soon as possible.

Back at the school Amanda was pacing a corridor when she finally got word they found the car on a street cam. Cragen had tried to get her to sit down from time to time but she'd kept pacing and he too felt relieved when they finally got something to go on.

The car was registered to a Neil Bodine and Fin, Nick and a couple of uniforms went over to his address. Mr Bodine was 28, a New York native and had some minor drug charges on his rap sheet. He lived near-by so they got there in just minutes. His car was parked on the street, nothing seen through its windows. While Nick pounded the front door, Fin had a uniform punch the trunk open just to make sure Fay wasn't in there. He was relieved she wasn't in there though and then got over to Nick. They had men on the back of the two level residence house, Neil was on the lower level though. They were just about to break through the door when a uniform alerted them he saw Neil coming down the street. Nick and Fin got up on the curb and spotted Neil just as he looked up and spotted the commotion outside his house. Neil dropped the plastic bag he was carrying and bolted into an alley.

"Get inside," Fin ordered some uniforms as he took off after Nick. They were in the alley just in time to see Neil dodge to the right on the other side.  
"Don't lose him," Fin yelled after Nick as he felt himself struggle to keep up, "he's all we got." Nick heard him and had no intention of loosing this guy. He was heavier built then Nick, still with pace under his feet though. Once Nick got eyes on his back though it was no way he'd let him vanish. Neil was the only link to Fay they had and Nick knew how important it was to catch him. A street and another alley later Nick were only a few feet behind Neil. He hadn't pulled his gun yet but he would not hesitate if he felt Neil was about to get away from him. He'd yelled for him to stop a few times but Neil hadn't even looked back, leaving Nick not at all aware of his state of mind other than he was trying to run from something.

Nick was getting ready to tackle Neil down but got saved as he took a wrong turn and Neil knew he had nowhere to run. Neil immediately got his hands up and started to plead he'd done nothing. Nick told him to get down on his knees and he cuffed his hands behind his back without paying attention to how rough he was. He quickly got the flyer of Fay out and held it up to his face.

"Where is she?" he was still a little out of breath. Neil looked at the flyer with big, scared eyes.  
"What?" he just said and looked confused on Nick.  
"Where's the kid? What have you done to her?" he yelled in his face making his eyes if possible even bigger. Two uniforms had joined them and one of them was waving at Fin who came around the corner just now.  
"I've done nothing," Neil said.  
"You had her in your car dumbass. Where is she?" Nick smacked him over the head just as Fin stepped up beside them.

"Where is she?" Fin yelled into his face and grabbed a hold of his sweater.  
"I don't know, I done nothing. I promise," Neil sounded scared as Fin pushed him up towards a pile of debris by the wall.  
"You know, you had her in your car, you prick. Tell me where she is or I swear to God I'll make you a headless prick," Fin was out of breath and angry, and that combined with his usual exterior Neil felt as though he was being roughed up by a thug.  
"I just drove them, I have no idea what's going on," Neil pleaded.  
"You drove who?" Fin yelled.

"Joe and some chick and some kid. I don't know," Neil sounded as though he was about to cry. Nick tapped Fin's shoulder lightly. He had a hunch Neil was actually telling the truth and they would probably get more out of him if they just asked him without threats. Fin wanted to beat the guy up though but finally let go.  
"Who is Joe?" Nick asked once Fin finally let go of Neil completely.  
"I don't know. He's a friend of a friend. I don't know him that well at all," Neil tried to explain.  
"But you drove him?" Nick asked.  
"He has my number I guess. He's been to my place a few times, he called, needed a ride," Neil shrugged his shoulders.

"The chick, the girl, he was with, do you know her?" Nick asked but Neil shook his head.  
"And they had this girl with them?" Nick held up the flyer to his face.  
"Yeah, the chick was holding on to her. I thought it was her kid you know?"  
"She's not. She was abducted from her school a little over an hour ago," Nick informed him and Neil looked honestly distraught.

"Did they hurt her?" Fin asked and his tone was completely different even Nick shot him a look to make sure he was okay.  
"No, not at all. She had a candy bar. I really thought she was the mom you know?"  
"We need to know Joe's last name," Nick said. Neil shrugged his shoulders.  
"I really can't tell you, he just hangs around, I haven't really spoken to him. He's weird. I don't know what to tell you, I just don't like being around the guy," Neil tried to explain.  
"Why? Weird how?" Fin asked.  
"I don't know what to tell you. Just weird, you don't know how to talk to the guy you know?"

"You said he was a friend of a friend. Who's the other friend?" Nick asked.  
"That's Ike. Mike's his real name," Neil looked a little brighter now that he could contribute with something.  
"Would Mike know Joe's last name?"  
"I think he would, I think Ike mentioned something about the two of them going to school together back when."

"Can you call Mike and try and find out Joe's last name and his address?" Nick asked and Neil nodded. Nick helped him get the cuffs off while Fin asked where he'd dropped them off. Neil got them the name of a mall near-by.  
"They talked about getting something for the kid, they didn't say what though," Neil said as he got his phone up.  
"When was this? When did you drop them off?"  
"Like half an hour ago or so," Neil said and Fin immediately got on his phone to call Liv. They needed to send people over to the mall.

Nick put his hand in-between Neil and his phone to get his attention.  
"You can't tell Ike what's going on, we don't want him to warn Joe okay?" Neil nodded in agreement and Nick felt as though he could trust him even though he wasn't ready to trust him a 100 % just yet. They waited as Neil hit dial and brought the phone up to his ear.

"He's not picking up," Neil said after a while, "I'm gonna try another number." He got back into his address book and Nick stepped to his side to have a look just so he wasn't up to any funny business. He saw 'Ike's job' on the screen though and figured it was all good.

"Hey, is Ike around?" Neil asked once someone finally picked up. Neil gave them a nod to let them know Ike was coming. Fin had a hard time standing still and Nick noted he was pacing a little as they waited. Nick was also concerned. He couldn't imagine what ordeal Amanda must be going through back at the school. The not knowing. Just plain awful.

"Hey Ike, it's Neil," Nick got interrupted from his thoughts as Neil spoke.  
"Yeah. Cool. Hey, you know Joe? Slim Joe yeah. What's his last name yo?" Neil made a pause, "Kemper. Joe Kemper. Cool." Nick wrote it down on his pad, a uniform near-by said the name into his police radio.

"You have his number? Or address maybe? Yeah, I drove him this morning and he left something in my car, thought I could bring it by," Neil tried to sound cool. There was some silence, they weren't sure if Ike was speaking or what was going on but then Neil started throwing out numbers and Nick wrote them down. He said an address too and Nick quickly wrote it down.  
"In Flatbush? Okay, thanks man. Talk to you later," Neil hung up and Nick gave him an appreciating nod.

"Good job," he added. Fin was getting the address into his phone's gps.  
"What did the girl, the chick look like?" Nick asked meanwhile.  
"Blonde, young, blue eyes. Cute," Neil raised his shoulders a little.  
"Did you get a name?" Nick asked but got a no.

"It was a short drive you know. He seemed a little on edge. Asked if I know where they could get some baby stuff and then if I could drive them there."  
"On edge? Like high?" Fin cut in. Neil got wary.  
"Common Neil. A kid is missing here, we can't be bothered with anything else. Speak out," Nick said.  
"Okay, yeah he seemed high," Neil admitted.  
"Did you sell him anything?"  
"No, I asked but he said his girl was packing."  
"And you're sure you hadn't seen her before?"  
"Yeah, never," Neil said. Before they left Nick made sure Neil would sit down with a sketch artist to get a better phantom picture of the female. Some uniforms would sit with him until the sketch artist would be there and Neil gave them permission to search his car and dust for prints. Then Nick and Fin headed over to the new address they'd been given.

**Missing 1 hour 30 minutes**

Cragen had sent Liv and Amanda to the mall meanwhile. He figured they'd work quicker without him and he stayed behind with Chad to run what had become the command center. Fin had left Liv with Amanda's car keys and she drove them over to the mall. Liv caught Amanda throwing some glances to the back seat and as she caught Fay's car seat in the back mirror she figured that's what caught her attention.

"We'll find her," Liv said and tried to sound more secure than she felt. When they parked outside the mall uniforms had already sealed all entrances and one of them let Liv and Amanda pass. They didn't even have to flash their badges so Liv figured she'd met him somewhere at some point. Another uniform was talking to a lady and her teenage daughter as they wanted to exit. He was writing her contact information down just in case but she said she'd seen no little girl in the mall with anyone today.

A guard hurried towards them, introduced himself as Scott and told them he would get them to their office to look through the footage of the past hour. They got in an elevator and Liv could tell Scott was throwing curious looks at them.

"I heard it was a cop's kid. You know him?" Scott asked. Liv felt like smacking him even if he didn't ask it in any vulturey way.  
"It's my daughter," Amanda said without looking at him and Scott looked as though he put his foot in it which he in a way had. The elevator dinged and they all got out. Scott used a key card and got them through a heavy door.

"NYPD?" someone asked even before they could see him.  
"Yeah," Liv shouted out.  
"I think we missed him," they saw the man who was talking and he looked miserable as he said this. He was wearing the same uniform as Scott.

"He left already?" Liv asked and got up to his side so she could see the TV-screens. There was a wall with them in front of him. Amanda came up on his other side.  
"Yeah, that's him right?" he pointed to a screen and froze it as a slim, male figure lead Fay out the doors. He was holding on to her hand and pulled Fay forward as she dragged a little behind looking back over her shoulder. Amanda let out a little gasp and covered her mouth with her hand quickly. So close but yet so far away, the thought was heart breaking.

"Can you give her a chair," Liv pointed to Scott, figuring he could do something good at least. Scott quickly got a chair and Amanda sat down next to the screen guy without fussing about the special treatment.

"It's just him? No woman with him?" Liv asked.  
"I've just found this, let's go back through the footage," the man said and he backed the tape up slowly. Four sets of eyes looked over twenty screens. Thankfully not many people were in the mall at this time and it was easy to spot any movement.

**While** Liv and Amanda were at the mall security center Nick and Fin arrived at Joe Kemper's apartment in the Flatbush area. He had a small one bedroom apartment that he rented. They had his driver's license photo and his rap sheet. Just like Neil he also had a few minor drug charges. Joe's rap sheet also consisted of a stolen car, an assault and two trespassing charges. He was 25 years old, was originally from New Jersey and currently worked part-time as a bike messenger. His parents were alive, he had two younger siblings and nothing they got on him would explain why he suddenly up and took a minor from a school premises. Of course Fin knew what was on the paper wasn't always the whole story. This guy was a tweeker. Who knew what crazy idea had sprung to his mind?

They knew the chances of finding him, and Fay, in his apartment wasn't great since they'd just got word they'd been at the mall in Williamsburg about half an hour ago. Nick and Fin had discussed staking out Joe's place in hope they would end up there but they couldn't take the risk of waiting. They all knew the statistics when it came to finding missing children. They needed to find Fay as soon as possible and therefor they now charged into Joe's apartment.

It was empty as expected. They went through the place in hopes of finding photos of the female so they could get a name on her as well. Fin was going through the kitchen while Nick was doing the bedroom. They had two of Chad's detectives with them going through the rest of the apartment and they had uniforms outside keeping an eye out for Joe. Fin had no luck in the kitchen, finding nothing that could help them in the search for Fay. He was checking the small freezer just in case when Nick came in and claimed his attention. Fin could tell just by looking at Nick's face he came bearing not so good news.

"What?" Fin asked and only noticed then that Nick was holding something in his hand. He seemed reluctant to share it with Fin though but then handed him a pile of photographs. Fin's stomach turned as he started to go through them.  
"She could just be looking young," Nick said in an attempt to ease the situation. While going through Joe's drawer he'd found a stack of photos that looked innocent at first but as he got down the stack it changed. The single motif was a young girl that undressed in front of the camera.

Fin had to stop looking as his blood started to boil. He'd seen hundred, probably thousands of photos like this over his years in SVU but right now all he could picture was Fay ending up like this and it was too much to bare.  
"Fuck," Fin gasped and turned the stack of photos over in his hands so he didn't have to look at the images.  
"It doesn't have to mean anything," Nick tried but didn't believe it himself. When it came to one of their own the worst case scenario always sprung to mind.  
"You need to bag these," Fin said to one of Chad's detectives that had entered the kitchen as he'd heard the little commotion in there.  
"And we need to get more men in here, turn the entire place upside down," Fin managed to get back to cop-mode and figured they needed to really investigate the possibility Joe was into child pornography.

"Hey, Nick," Fin said as they were about to leave the apartment to go check out Joe's work. Nick turned and looked at Fin.  
"Don't," Fin started but had to take a second to think through it, "just, don't mention this to Amanda. The photos. Don't tell her just yet." Nick didn't like the idea of keeping things from anyone on the squad but he got why Fin might want to and after a slight hesitation he gave Fin a nod.

**Over at the mall security center** they had tracked Joe and Fay the short time they had spent in the mall. There were no sign of the female. Neil had dropped them of at the curb and he'd seen them head over the parking lot towards the mall. The girl had been in the woman's arms the last time he saw them but when they reached the camera at the entrance of the mall Joe was holding on to Fay's hand and the two of them were alone. They'd gone a floor up to the food court and Joe had bought Fay a pretzel that she didn't seem interested in so he'd taken a bite instead before he tossed it in a trash can. They'd hung around by the escalators for a while. Fay had put her nose to the glass and watched people on the lower floor.

Liv had seen, through the corner of her eye, how Amanda's eyes teared up as she watched her daughter try and connect with people by waving to them. If only Fay had been able to tell someone she wasn't there on her own free will, if only the old lady that waved back to her from below could have helped her get home again. There were so many 'what ifs' going around Amanda's head she missed Liv asking her if she was okay and only snapped out of it as she felt Liv's hand on her shoulder.

"You okay?" Liv asked with great concern in her eyes. Amanda managed to nod and then focused back on the screen.

The still unnamed security guard had found all footage as they traced back on the cameras and he now played it all from the very beginning. Joe and Fay entering the mall, going up the escalators, buying a pretzel, watching people on the lower level and then taking the escalator back down again. Joe didn't pay Fay much attention, he did hold her hand up and down the escalators and at times as they strolled. He had bought her a pretzel but then eaten it himself. Amanda wasn't sure if it was a good sign or not that he didn't seem that interested in Fay. But then they'd headed into the bathroom. The gents. They didn't have a camera in there and too many minutes later they came back out, Fay not wearing her jacket any longer. What could have happen in that bathroom scared the hell out of Amanda. Out of Liv too but she managed to keep it bottled better. And then Joe headed back outside with Fay and since the mall didn't have cameras outside that was all they got.

Since Amanda had learnt Fay was missing she'd been going back and forth from feeling completely empty to being able to focus on the task of finding Fay. As she watched her daughter leave the mall on that TV screen she was back to feeling completely numb and that's why it was so good that Liv was able to take charge. She let Amanda know that they would go down and have a look inside that bathroom and then they would head outside and see where they could've gone. Scott brought them down to the ground level again and they headed towards the bathroom. They passed the escalators and the glass railing where Fay had waved from and Amanda's eyes went up there.

Liv noticed she lost the sound of Amanda's steps behind her and she slowed down as she threw a glance over her shoulder and saw where Amanda's eyes had wandered off to and what was slowing her down. She made sure Amanda didn't get too far behind but she kept walking towards the bathroom. Amanda caught up as they reached them and Scott held up the door and let them go in there alone. Amanda scanned the rectangular room with her eyes as Liv checked the four stalls by one of the walls. She backed out of the second one a little slower and Amanda's face crumbled a bit as she saw Fay's jacket in her hand. Liv came over and handed it to her. Amanda wasn't sure what to do first and just stood there holding it in the air a bit away from her. But then she brought it in to her chest and took a deep a breath as she apparently had been holding it. Liv put a hand on her arm but Amanda shook her head. No, this wasn't the way she wanted her daughter back. Not piece by piece.

"I need us to find her," she was able to say and Liv nodded.  
"Common, let's go outside and see where they could've gone," Liv said and lead them back outside. They found their way out by tracing Joe's steps on the camera and Liv had a look around once they got outside. It had looked as though they headed left once out the doors and there was a small diner right next to the mall.

"Let's go there and see if they've seen anything," Liv suggested and they headed over there. Amanda followed Liv over, still with Fay's jacket pressed tight to her chest. Once inside Liv quickly found a waitress and she showed her the flyer. She showed her Joe's license photo that she had in her phone and also the still fuzzy sketch of the female abductor.

"I just started my shift but Rose over there at the counter has been on since this morning, perhaps she's seen something?" the waitress suggested and they headed over to the counter to a middle age woman with glasses and short cut hair.

"Excuse me," Liv said and held up her badge, "we're looking for a girl that's missing." Liv held up the flyer and the woman immediately got a smile on her face. She took the flyer from Liv and smiled as she eyed it over. As her eyes went over the letters above Fay's head though her mouth quickly went downwards.

"I saw her, she was right there," the woman pointed to the glass window where Fay had pressed her hands and nose not even an hour ago. Both Liv and Amanda had followed her finger and for a brief second Amanda actually saw Fay outside the window. She held in a sob as the image disappeared from her eyes.  
"They took her?" the woman asked and Liv nodded.  
"She was abducted from her nursery school two hours ago. Can you tell me who she was with?" It was the woman's turn to nod.

"A slim, rather tall man with one of those earrings in his eyebrow," the woman said and Liv found the photo of Joe in her phone.  
"Is this the man?" she asked and the woman nodded eagerly.  
"And there was a woman," she added.  
"This one?" Liv flipped to the sketch and turned it to the waitress. She looked at it closely but looked uncertain.  
"It's not a very good sketch but I guess it could be her. She was shorter than him, blonde hair. They were fighting about something."  
"Fighting?" Liv asked and the woman nodded again.

"Yes. The girl caught my eye cause she was so cute with the sun catching her hair and she smiled so brightly when she saw me looking and she waved at me. I waved back. And then I looked to the side of her and saw the two. The woman like punched his chest. He didn't really do anything back but I could tell he was angry too. No one really seemed to care about the girl but then the woman grabbed her wrist too hard and pulled her away. The man followed after a while. He looked inside and saw me looking and then he didn't look so angry any longer and he pulled up his hood. I guess I should have suspected something was wrong but I just thought I didn't like them fighting in front of that little girl like that and then the mom, I thought it was her mom, grabbing her so harshly when the girl hadn't done anything wrong," the waitress had to stop and catch her breath.

"You couldn't have known," Liv tried to comfort her. The waitress still looked miserable.  
"Where did they go?" Liv asked and the waitress raised her hand again and pointed which way they'd taken.  
"Is there anyone else in here that was here once the girl was still outside? Anyone else that could have seen where they headed next?" Liv tried. Rose had a look around the small diner but shook her hear quickly.

"Davey was behind the counter but he never notices anything. Jasper left right after all that had happen outside. He's in here every day. He drives for Urban express. He might have seen them as he went back to his truck?"  
"Jasper? Do you have a last name?" Liv asked as she wrote the name and company down on her pad.  
"I'm afraid not. We speak every day, I can tell you how he wants his eggs and everything about his sickly mother but no last name I'm afraid," Rose tried to smile but it never reached her eyes.

"I'm sure we can find him with the information you gave us. Thank you. Can you put this up in your window?" Liv handed her the flyer and then her card, "and give me a call if you think of anything or if they come back perhaps."  
"I will. I sure hope you find her," Rose was back to looking miserable again.  
"We will," Liv said, loud enough so Amanda would hear her. Amanda had been standing quiet and still behind Liv the whole time and Liv now helped her turn by putting a hand on her arm and physically moving her. Once outside the walked the way Rose had pointed them. Nothing but a long deserted road.

Liv got on her phone and called Cragen. She told him to find Jasper at the delivery company and just check if he saw the company as he drove off. She told him they would drive around the area a little but if they didn't find anything they would head back to the school. Liv put her phone down and turned to Amanda. She looked very pale and Liv felt a tug in her heart as she saw the way she still hung on to Fay's jacket.

"I'm sorry. I'm no help," Amanda whispered and tried her best to hold back the tears that were burning the back of her eyes.  
"You're still standing. You're doing great," Liv said and gave her arm a rub, "we follow every lead and we'll soon have her back with you. Let's get the car and have a look around. We will find her Amanda. I promise you." Amanda knew Liv was just doing her job. Their job. This was what they told victims and family members every day. 'Don't give up' and 'Keep the faith' and other platitudes. But it worked. She would keep the faith. And she would find Faith. She would never give up on finding Faith.


	26. Finding Faith

**Missing 2 and a half hours**

Liv and Amanda got back to the school a little before Nick and Fin showed up there as well. Liv and Amanda had no luck as they drove around the area around the mall and diner. Nick and Fin had been past Joe's job after they left his apartment. His boss didn't expect him in until tomorrow. According to the boss Joe was an okay kid just a bit immature and he had a habit of getting himself into trouble. He seemed to be aware of Joe's past encounters with the law and he got a bit vague when it came to Joe's drug habits. Fin pushed him though and they learnt the boss felt sorry for him. Joe reminded him of himself as a kid and the boss only tried to be supportive and hoped he would kick his back habit sooner or later. He'd apparently given Joe a heads up whenever there was a scheduled drug test at work. The boss told them about this pub where they would hang out after work but he was unaware of what other places Joe liked to hang out at.

They had two unmarked cars outside Joe's apartment while a CSI team turned it upside down. They were hoping Joe and the woman would end up there at some point. Hopefully with Fay still with them. They still had no idea to why they'd taken Fay but it was in all minds that it might have to do with money and drugs. That they might try and sell her on the black market for cash or something stupid like that. Since Nick found the photos in Joe's apartment though the fear it was about child pornography or some sex slave ring grew a little. There seemed to be no ransom demand being made. Amanda had only received one call since the abduction and it was involving another case they were working. Liv had taken over the call once they knew it wasn't a kidnapping ransom demand and since Amanda couldn't get a word out. Liv had felt how much her hands had been shaking when she took the phone from her.

Cragen couldn't find any links to any ongoing investigations either and Amanda withheld she hadn't received any threats. The driver at the delivery company remembered driving by the three as he left the diner. The woman had been carrying the little one and it looked as though she was yelling at the man she was with but Jasper hadn't heard what was said. They were officially on a stand-still. No leads. No clues. Nowhere closer to finding Fay.

Chad was still giving out a positive vibe though. The fact they had a name of one of the abductor and they had witnesses that could point out both of them in a line-up was all good he withheld. But that still didn't leave Fay anywhere near safe. Amanda checked the watch on the wall for the third time since Cragen had led her into the room they'd made their headquarter for the time being. Liv was also checking her watch. They were closing in on 3 hours and they all knew the facts: the first 3 hours are the most crucial for the safe return of a missing child. Fin growled loudly as he and Nick checked the map and the marked out route Fay had been at. It ended by the diner and then she was gone.

"Someone must have seen them," he said out loud. Liv knew the area now though as she had just driven around there and it was dead calm. Not much traffic and no cameras. They had still marked out a wide area around the diner and had patrol cars circling it and also looking for cameras. Munch was sorting through many tips that came in to the hot-line at the station but so far nothing had turned out to be helpful. A few minutes passed by when no one said anything and the room fell eerie quiet. The only sound was Lexie as she punched in letters into her tablet. She'd been glued to that tablet since they arrived to the scene.

Fin met Amanda's eyes in the midst of this silence and she felt as though she was about to break in half. She wasn't sure she could handle this any longer. It looked as though Fin was about to say something when he got interrupted by his own phone. He saw Ken's name in the display, thought about ignoring it but then decided to pick up. He stepped out in the hallway. Fin didn't even have the chance to say hi before Ken started speaking.

"What's this about an Amber alert out on Fay?" he asked, clearly agitated. Fin covered his eyes with his hand not knowing what to say. He, just like Amanda, felt like he was on the verge of breaking now that they had nothing to go on. It had been many years now since he'd felt his heart ache like this and he didn't like it.

"Dad?" Ken urged.  
"Yeah, yeah she's missing," he said.  
"Oh God. Alejandro called and had seen it, I didn't want to believe it was true. When? Why? How?"  
"About three hours ago, from her school, we don't know the why yet," Fin tried to give him as much information as they got without upsetting him too much.  
"You know who took her?"  
"We have a name yes but we haven't been able to catch him."  
"Him? Do you know him? Is it someone you've arrested?"  
"No. No, we have no relation to him. We're clueless," Fin admitted.  
"What can we do?" Ken asked and meant him and Alejandro.  
"Not much right now, we have almost the entire NYPD searching for her," Fin sighed.  
"There must be something we can do," Ken urged and Fin felt his pain.  
"I'm afraid there's not. We trailed them to a mall but all the clues ends there," Fin had to work hard to keep his voice steady. There was a silent pause.

"How's Amanda doing?" Ken asked even though he figured he already knew how bad she must be feeling right now. Fin gave it a second and he watched the door that he knew Amanda was on the other side off.  
"She's hanging in there," he said.  
"There's a tip line right?" Ken asked.  
"Yeah, Munch is running it over at the station."  
"Will he let me help answer phones?" Ken asked.  
"Yeah since it's you I'm sure he will," Fin said and managed to smile just a little.  
"Okay, I'll head over there then. You'll call me when you hear anything," Ken asked and deliberate used 'when' and not 'if'.  
"I will. Thanks son," Fin hung up before his voice broke. He stayed out in the hallway for a bit, not able to handle the silence in the next room just yet.

**Missing 3 and a half hours**

There had been nothing but anxiety or small outburst going around the room for the past hour. Cragen had tried but failed to get Amanda to eat something. Fin had verbal outburst every now and then springing from his own inner turmoil. Nick and Liv had been checking in on the interrogations with the kids. They had given up on the three year olds and sent them all home with the request the parents would keep trying to talk to their kids and call in if they got anything. The eight year olds had been given a break and Liv and Nick got to try with one each to get something new out of them. But it was futile, all they'd really seen was two adults hurrying down the street with Fay.

Liv was just about to break the interview with her young witness when she said something interesting though.  
"I guess they knew her name though."  
"They? The man and woman who took her?" Liv asked and the girl nodded.  
"How do you know that?" Liv knew the girl hadn't been near-by when the man went over the fence but only run over there as she'd seen Fay being tossed over it.  
"Well John, one of the little ones, said they had called Fay over."  
"Are you sure they called Fay over by her name and just not like with hand gestures?"  
"I guess I can't be sure but John said they'd called _Faith_ over and I mean no one calls her Faith. I didn't even know that was her real name until today. I always call her Fay, everyone does," the girl looked very sincere.  
"Thank you. This is an important piece of information you've given us Hannah," Liv smiled at the girl and then at her father that had come in to help out his daughter and the investigation. Liv excused herself and headed back to the other. Nick was already there.

"They knew her name," Liv said immediately as she entered the room and got everyone's attention.  
"Hannah told me that the little boy John had said they called _Faith_ over. Everyone calls her Fay so John picked up Faith somewhere and three of the four young ones said it was the two that started talking to them and not the other way around. So I think it's a high possibility they were after Fay from the start," Liv hurried to get everything out. If this was good or bad though she hadn't had time to reflect over yet. Judging by the faces in the room though it wasn't good. Once Liv went quiet everyone's eyes diverted towards Amanda. She'd gotten up off the floor where she'd momentarily retreated to while Nick and Liv were out.

"What does that mean?" she said with a voice that was about to crack. No one dared to say anything.  
"Has someone been following us? Did I miss something?" she asked as tears dwelled up her eyes.  
"Don't go there. They could have gotten her name from the school directory or pediatrician or something," Cragen tried to calm her but it only made her more anxious.

"But then it's not a random act. They took her for a reason and since no one called…" Amanda's head was spinning out of control but so was everyone else's too. A random kidnapping wasn't a good thing either but so far they'd seemed to just roam the city a little as they wished, going into a mall where everyone knew there were cameras wasn't a smart thing if you were kidnapping a child for the black market. But if they'd seeked Fay out there must be a reason to why.

"Do you have a photo of Fay on your desk at work? Could someone have seen it passing through?" Chad had to ask. Amanda shook her head, as did Nick and Liv. They all knew she didn't have a photo of her on her desk.  
"I never bring her up at work, at least not with a suspect. I've mentioned once or twice I am a mom when hearing victims and all but it's not common," Amanda tried to ransack herself but couldn't come up with anything. She wished she could so they could zero in on who was doing this to her and her daughter. She had felt tears threatening to escape for a while now and she excused herself as they started to fall down her face.

Once she'd left Cragen approached Fin.  
"Could this have anything to do with her gambling?" he asked. He'd already mentioned it in confidence to Chad, about Amanda's gambling addiction, and they'd made sure Murphy and his crew was still locked-up.  
"No way," Fin said and shook his head. He was dead certain about this.  
"She couldn't have slipped? Started it up again?" Liv asked since her mind had gone there too.

"No, see…" Fin sighed, "her dad was a gambler too. He put Amanda and her sister in a, well a very messy situation once when they were really young. She would never – believe me, never – put Fay in that situation." Hadn't they been in this predicament and his guard being completely down he would never had told them this piece of personal information that Amanda had given him in confidence. But he needed to get them off this trail as fast as possible cause there was no way Amanda was gambling again and they couldn't waste time in finding Fay.

Cragen's eyes had widened when Fin told him this but now he nodded. Liv backed off too without any follow-up questions.  
"But they knew her name was Faith then," Chad said to try and get them thinking in other directions.  
"The only one I've heard use Faith since I got here was the principal. I think we can rule her out but anyone that's only seen official papers will know Fay as Faith Rollins," Chad tried to get his thoughts in motion, "You mentioned pediatrician, we should check that out." Nick walked over to the board where they had everything on Fay pinned up.

"We should check out this speech therapist perhaps," he said and pointed to the board, "He might be a stickler for names and not nicknames."  
"Let's look more into the people around Joe too. He doesn't really seem like the type someone would hire for a child napping but perhaps that's what the female was for?" Chad said and sorted through some papers on the table.

Liv went to check on Amanda meanwhile. She found her locked in a stall in the bathroom. Liv asked her if she was okay and after Amanda had said yes she asked Liv to give her a minute. Liv waited outside and didn't have to wait more than a minute before Amanda appeared. Liv could tell by her eyes she'd been crying but didn't confront her. Amanda was obviously doing everything she could to keep herself gathered and Liv knew this wasn't the time. Hopefully she wouldn't have to comfort Amanda but bring an unharmed Fay back to her mother's arms soon. Liv hoped for dear life this would be the case.

**Missing 4 hours**

Chad, Cragen and Nick were on the phone once they all gathered back in the room. They all shot Amanda a quick look but then deviated their eyes to not intrude. Fin was pacing the room and Amanda would soon join him but on the other side of the room. Liv stayed by the table and looked over the map. She tried to connect the dots and it looked as though they were heading towards Joe's apartment. They'd put a third car on watching the building but so far there was no sign of the three.

One of Chad's detectives suddenly came in and approached Chad.  
"We identified the girl on the photos in Joe's apartment," he said to Chad. Nick and Cragen were still on the phone but kept an eye on the newcomer. Liv, Fin and Amanda all got a little closer to him and Chad.  
"Her name is Jenna Cartwright and she's 16. The photos a year old though, making her 15 at the time. She's a resident in Flatbush," the detective informed Chad who nodded.

"What photos? What girl?" Amanda asked looking confused. Liv didn't understand it either. Chad threw Fin a quick look that Amanda picked up on. Chad took a deep breath.  
"We found some photos in Joe's apartment that may or may not be classified as child pornography," Chad explained and Amanda gasped.  
"What?" she asked.  
"We don't know if he took them though," Chad tried to ease the situation but Amanda was already worked up. She shot Fin an angry look, one everyone in the room picked up on.  
"We've searched the entire place though and we found nothing else," Chad told her.

"Could she be the female with Joe now?" Liv asked. Chad looked to his detective.  
"We're sending her photo out to the witness as we speak," he let them know and then walked over to Lexie to give her something. Cragen had gotten off the phone meanwhile and joined Liv by the computer as she took a look at Jenna Cartwright on Chad's laptop.

Fin stayed by Amanda's side. It hadn't gotten unnoticed to him that she'd clenched her fist. He wasn't sure where her head was at though.  
"You should have told me," she whispered with loads of bottled up wrath in her lowered voice. He knew she was right but he had tried to protect her. And perhaps himself a little. He didn't want to think about that being the reason Fay had been taken. He couldn't handle Fay's image in his head in that scenario. He felt as though he would crack in thousand pieces if something like that would happen to Fay. He could feel those cracks right now, rupturing a little as Amanda's angry and also devastated eyes now turned towards him. He could see hope seep out of her and it was the last thing he could handle right now. This was all too much for him.

Amanda was feeling just the same. It was getting too much too handle. Her clinched fist felt like hitting him in the chest. Hitting him for not being brutally honest with her as he usually was. Her eyes wanted to hurt him. Like her sight would turn to laser and evaporate him. But her inside just wanted to hug him. Wanted him to hold her and tell her everything would be fine. That it was all just a terrible mix up. Fay was really in her classroom right now, just two doors down and everything was fine. But she wasn't and Amanda didn't know what to do.

Neither she nor Fin had to make a decision of their own though as Munch's voice suddenly came over the intercom. Chad quickly picked it up and said 'receiving' to let Munch know he was on the other side. Fin and Amanda looked his way.

"We got a tip from Prospect Park and just now a second one. I think it's worth checking out." Fin and Amanda quickly came over to the table. Nick, who'd gotten off the phone by now too, quickly found the park on the map on the table and marked it out.  
"It's close to Flatbush," Fin said. It was near Joe's apartment.  
"Where exactly?" Nick asked since he could tell the park was many acres. Chad relayed the question to Munch.  
"Near the west entrance. A woman called in from something called the Garfield tot lot. She'd seen the Amber alert as she left the park with her own kid and thought the child looked familiar. And wait I'll put Ken on, he made the connection to the second tip," there was some static on the line as Munch handed the radio over to Ken. Amanda wasn't clued in that Ken was involved and she felt a little warmth around her heart as she realized it.

"Hey, yeah I checked up on Prospect Park and there was a 911 call like an hour ago from a distressed dog owner. He said a woman had kicked his dog. Or at his dog at least. A young girl had run up to his dog and when it growled the woman had yanked the kid away and kicked at his dog. There had been a man present too and he'd become agitated and the dog owner felt threaten. The dog owner told the dispatcher that the man with them couldn't have been the father cause the child was biracial."

"They sent someone out to check up on it?" Chad asked when he got a chance to. Ken gave them the number of the unit car that had responded.  
"And when was this?" They heard Ken turn the radio back over to Munch.  
"Dog owner about an hour ago and the woman called in twenty minutes ago," Munch let them know.  
"Still good," Chad said to the room.

"Let's go," Fin said and was out the door. There were a few journalists outside the school now and the larger count of people that came running out attracted their attention. The SVU squad was accompanied by Chad, Lexie and two other detectives and another four uniforms were coming with them. Flashes were going off and Liv immediately stepped in front of Amanda to cover her even though her name hadn't been revealed to the press and they probably had no idea she was the missing child's mother. Fin joined Liv and Amanda in her car and Cragen jumped in with Nick. Three unmarked cars and two patrol cars took off from the school premises with screeching tires. It didn't take long until the unmarked cars had blue lights on and Nick took lead speeding through the streets towards Prospect Park.

They had to drive around since they couldn't drive through the park but at the West gate they had people waiting for them. They quickly got informed security had put people on every gate but they also let the newcomers knew it was easy to slip out of the park other ways. Other uniforms had already arrived and had entered the park through other gates and were searching every inch of the park as they spoke. The new crowd were walking and talking towards the tot lot. To Amanda's dismay though she could quickly see Fay wasn't there any longer. A park guard pointed the way where the dog owner had been attacked. He also told them they had camera footage from the past hour coming to them. Fin and Amanda headed back to the cars where Lexie had equipment for them to watch the footage on. Cragen and Chad tagged a long too while Nick and Liv decided to have a look around a bit equipped with the headshots of Joe and now also Jenna.

It felt like it was taking forever to get the parks security footage through to Lexie's computer. All Amanda wanted was a glimpse of her daughter. Lexie had gotten a laptop up upon the hood of Chad's car but it seemed the footage wouldn't transfer and Amanda was getting restless. Cragen tried to talk her down to no use as Fin was getting just as impatient and couldn't keep it inside. It seemed to only fuel Amanda's anxiety on and Cragen wasn't sure how to handle the situation.

"Anytime soon?" he asked Chad and he turned to Lexie and asked the same thing.  
"Yupp, got it," Lexie said and Chad gave room for Amanda to come up to the laptop. Lexie stepped away too as she got the footage rolling. Cragen peeked a little over Amanda's shoulder but then stepped away to not crowd her. He'd already heard the tiny sob as Fay appeared on the screen, tumbling over to the playground.

Cragen saw Liv and Nick approaching across a field, judging by their demeanor they had come up empty. Cragen suddenly heard a loud gasp and as he turned he saw Amanda crumble to the ground.

"What the fuck," Fin said out loud, still with his eyes on the computer screen. His concerned looked had turned dark and he looked like he could punch the screen at any second. Meanwhile Amanda had covered her face with her hands as she fell to the ground, she was now down in a pile by Fin's feet. Cragen wasn't sure what was going on and feared for a second Fay had been killed right here in this park, in front of the camera. Liv had seen Amanda fall and she came running over with Nick close behind.

"It's her sister," Fin said and finally was able to let his eyes of the screen.  
"Her sister?" Chad echoed. Fin turned the laptop towards him and Cragen.  
"That's her sister with Fay," Fin said with even more darkness in his eyes. Liv and Nick stopped right by Cragen's side and they watched the screen as Kim gestured to Fay who was up on a play set. Fay didn't seem to want to come to her and continued the other way. Everyone felt a bit relieved that it wasn't a stranger that had taken Fay.

"So we should call off the Amber alert?" Chad looked a little confused.  
"Hell no," Fin almost shouted, "she's a junkie and a psychopath. And she stole a kid that's not hers. Hell knows what she could do with or to her. She's already left her alone with a complete stranger in a mall. She doesn't have an ounce of responsibility in her, she could've left Fay behind all alone right here in this park for all we know." Cragen raised his hand to calm Fin down.

Liv's attention had turned to Amanda's crumbled form on the ground and she now stepped forward to see how she was doing. That made Fin finally look down and he felt a bit bad for not acknowledging Amanda but he was still too mad to do something about it.

"Are you okay?" Liv asked and rubbed Amanda's back as she tried to get through a mess of blonde strands with her other hand to get to her face. She could feel underneath her hand that Amanda was sobbing, her entire body was shaking. She tried to get Amanda to put her hands down but when she wasn't successful she just pulled her close to her own body and held her tight for a while. It was obvious she needed a little more time to absorb the situation. The notion her sister had her daughter hopefully meant they would get the latter one back in one piece but Liv knew too little about Kim as a person and her motifs for taking the kid in the first place. All she knew was the mess with the abusive boyfriend little over a year ago. Liv had served the boyfriend with a restraining order but only seen Kim briefly at the station. Nick had met with her a little more and told Liv she wasn't the brightest bulb walking around.

"She's not a resident of New York right?" Chad asked and Fin had to answer for Amanda.  
"No, she's from Georgia and still lives there," Fin informed him.  
"Can she get in contact with her?" Chad hinted to Amanda and just assumed the sisters were in contact. Fin took a breath and looked down. He met Liv's eyes briefly and then shook his head.

"I'm not sure," he said as he looked back up, "she, Amanda hasn't talked to her in, well it's been like six months or so." Fin couldn't contain a low growl as the anger still flared inside of him.  
"Earlier this year Kim paid a visit. She brought drugs into her apartment and Amanda tossed her out. She thanked her by cleaning out her entire place. They took almost everything, her bed, Fay's bed, couch, Fay's diapers even. Her unicorns."

"She didn't report it?" Nick asked and couldn't hide what he felt about Amanda not going to the police with this. Fin just shot him a look and then looked back at Cragen and Chad.  
"It was like the month before that whole Mimi/Escobar ordeal. They haven't talked since then. They've exchanged a few texts but I don't think it's been from her regular phone," Fin was pretty certain Kim had used a disposal phone. Amanda had mentioned the texts and he'd peeked at her phone once or twice. He hadn't been happy about Amanda letting Kim get away with it either.

The phone call from that night Amanda came home to find her place emptied out was still rather fresh in his mind. She'd called a little after seven pm. He'd been able to tell right away she was upset. She came home to find her apartment door unlocked. Since she had Fay with her she'd thought about getting her to safety first but it had been rather obvious once the door fell open that there was no one or nothing left in there. She'd walked in to find the kitchen emptied and somewhat trashed with food from the fridge spilled on the floor. They'd left a bookshelf and some books in the living room. Fay's dresser had been left and thankfully most of her clothes too but her bed, diapers, toys. Gone. Amanda's bedroom looked the same. Emptied. Thankfully she had her laptop with her where she had Fay's baby photos and stuff.

Fin had been over there in less than twenty minutes. He'd found Fay sitting in a corner of the empty living room playing with a roll of toilet paper while Amanda tried to keep it together as she went through her closet. She wanted to make sure her spare gun was still safely looked in its safety. Amanda had, as usual, not been in need of hugs but more of words that let her know they would sort everything out and they could stay at his place until they could refurnish her apartment. She'd been dead set on not turning her sister in though. Fin would just never get just how far Amanda's allegiance to her sister went. She made him swore not to tell anyone about it, no one at work would find out. Fin helped to carry some of Fay's clothes on one arm and he put Fay on the other one as they headed out of there. They stopped by a supermarket and bought night diapers, a tooth brush and some other things Fay needed. Amanda tried to hold it together but Fin could tell she was upset and rightfully so.

Fin was upset too but mostly angry. It wasn't all bad having Amanda and Fay stay with him though. That first night Amanda insisted on sleeping in Ken's old room with Fay but the second night Fin played dirty and used Fay to get them all to sleep in his bed. He knew Fay was a sucker for cuddling while reading a bed time story and while Amanda was in the shower he lured Fay into his bedroom and they started reading. Amanda had found them there and curled up next to them and then never left. Four blissful nights they spent together in his bed before they'd gotten all the essential furniture back in Amanda's apartment. Fin managed to find a new unicorn looking similar to the giant one she had in her room before.

Playing house hadn't been bad at all. Driving Fay to her nursery school every morning, both of them sending her off and then collecting her after work from either the school or whoever was babysitting. Making dinner together, giving Fay baths and falling asleep next to each other. They'd talked a lot about anything and everything from the news to the latest basketball game. It felt a bit like the relationship they had before Fay was born but of course Fay's presence made it even more special. She was such a funny little girl. Mostly had a smile on her face and had the ability to make you laugh in any situation. Either by some crazy move she did or making a face that couldn't keep you from smiling.

And he got to learn some new Fay vocabulary. There were still the bluebabies and strawbabies but also the waterlemon. Amanda had always called the TV remote a controller and Fay had picked it up and called it 'troller'. Fin loved it. She called hamburger 'hangaber' Fin learnt and, to his amusement but Amanda's not so much, the latest was chips which she called 'shits'. The banana was 'bamama' and water was 'wawa'. And she loved to go 'up-spy-down' and Fin loved to put her upside down but loved hearing her ask for it even more.

And as usual in stressful situations they got physical in the good way. Amanda made sure he held his hands in check while Fay was awake but once she fell asleep they fooled around quite a lot. He remembered the quickie in the bathroom fondly. She'd tasted of his toothpaste and she'd been eager to get him inside of her. The following evening it had been the kitchen counter that they paid a visit too and they'd managed to knock the dish rack to the floor. It had made an awful ruckus and they'd frozen and listen for Fay's cries in case they woke her but once none came instead they started laughing at the mess they made. Once they'd gotten the dishes off the floor they'd continued the exercise on the couch instead.

Having the two in his apartment had been great even if the circumstance wasn't all that great. He'd caught himself thinking it wouldn't be all that bad having it like this all the time. He'd even thought about how Ken's room would look if turned into a girl's room. But then the whole Mimi/Escobar ordeal had happen and his mind had been occupied with that. He knew though that Amanda hadn't reconciled with her sister. Kim had stayed away and it had been close to four months until Amanda had heard from her. Kim had sent an e-mail but Fin had a sneaking suspicion it had been Amanda that sent the first one. And then Amanda had gotten at least two texts.

"Does she still have those texts? Can we try and call her sister?" Chad asked and pulled Fin back from his thoughts.  
"Yeah, sure, her phone, in her left pocket," he bent down a little but mostly gestured to Liv who helped get Amanda's phone up. Liv handed it to Fin. He unlocked it, found the messages and then handed it to Chad.  
"The last one was like two weeks ago, something about Fay's upcoming birthday," Fin let him know and Chad scrolled down to find the text. Lexie peeked over his shoulder and got the phone number down on her tablet.

"Let's get you up off the ground," Liv told Amanda who seemed to have calmed down a little. She'd let her hands down off her face but still hid somewhat behind her hair. She didn't resist Liv's help though and together they got up.

"You had no idea she was in New York?" Chad directed his question to Amanda and she shook her head.  
"Is it possible that Joe is her current boyfriend? Have she mentioned anyone lately to you?"  
"I don't know," Amanda answered with a weak voice, "we haven't spoken in ages. Two texts and one e-mail, that's all the past six months."

"What's her relationship with Fay like?" Chad asked but Amanda wasn't sure how to answer that.  
"She's her aunt but they've only seen each other like five or six times I guess," it was hard for Amanda to admit to this. She and her sister had always been so close. Joint by the hip was something she heard many times growing up. But Kim's drug use as Amanda went into the police force made the already troublesome relationship harder. Kim had gotten her in so many jams over the years Amanda had lost track of them all. Since the move to New York Amanda had drifted even further from Kim. It had been a good thing for Amanda but somehow Kim still managed to bring some trouble to Amanda and NY. This was more than some trouble though. This was the worst thing Kim had ever done. Amanda did not know why and that scared her. She had no idea what Kim was planning with Fay.

"Would she hurt Fay?" Chad asked and noticed the quick glance Amanda gave Fin.  
"Not deliberately," Amanda answered.  
"She is not sane or responsible enough to care for a child. We need to find her. Now," Fin said expressly.

And right then a call came out over Chad's radio. It was from one of the patrol cars outside Joe's place. They had them in sight. Everyone scattered quickly. Amanda's car with Fin by the wheel was the first one that raced out of the park, closely followed by Chad's car. Nick's car had been parked in and they got a little behind the others.

The traffic was bad and even with the lights flashing Fin had trouble getting through. He smashed his hand on the steering wheel often and yelled obscenities out the window every now and then. Amanda just tried to say calm and focus on the scenario she'd soon have her daughter in her arms and how she would never let her go ever again.

Nick got even further behind and also had trouble with traffic. They arrived to the scene several minutes after the other. The street was filled with flashing patrol cars and they had to jump out rather far from the apartment. They all saw Fin and Chad in the middle of the street though and rushed to them. Judging by Fin's now calm demeanor they figured everything was under control.

"Where is she?" Olivia asked quickly and Fin gestured with his head further down the street. Everyone's eyes went there and Liv's face broke into a wide smile as she saw Amanda sitting on the curb with her arms around Fay and the child's arms clinging to her mom's neck.

"She's okay?" Liv asked and turned back to Fin with a hint of tears in her eyes. Fin nodded.  
"She seems fine. They want to check her out," Fin gestured to the ambulance that was parked near-by, "but we're giving them some time alone first." Fin sounded very relieved and Nick patted his arm a little. Everyone felt relieved. Liv had to look back over Amanda's way, the sight was truly one for sore eyes. Nick looked the other way though and spotted Kim in the door with her hands cuffed behind her back. She was crying and looked to be pleading to the uniform that guarded her door. In the back behind hers Nick spotted Joe in the back behind close doors.

"It went down calmly?" Nick asked Chad.  
"Yeah. Joe ran but they got to Fay and Kim before Kim could bolt," Chad let them know.

Once they arrived to the scene Joe and Kim had already been in the positions they were in now. Amanda had called out for Fay and a female uniform had gestured her over to her patrol car. Fay had been in the back seat, calm until her mother picked her up. Perhaps she'd picked up on the stress level of her mom or she'd been waiting for a safe embrace where she could cry out. Fin had been there to put a hand on the crying girl's back before Amanda had retreated to a curb to calm herself and her daughter down. Kim had called out for Amanda, asking her to help her, that it was all a misunderstanding, that she didn't mean Fay no harm but Amanda had blocked her out. Fin had shot her a look and it had quiet her down but every now and then she cried out Amanda's name.

They gave Amanda a few more minutes alone with her daughter but they needed to clear the street so Liv walked over to her. Amanda had her eyes shut, holding on hard to her daughter who seemed to do the same to her mother.

"Everything okay?" Liv asked with a kind smile once Amanda finally felt her presence and opened her eyes. Amanda's face stayed blank for a while as she took a deep breath but then she nodded. She looked pale and drained to Liv and she understood why. Amanda let her hands go up and down her daughter's back a while and then brought her hands up to her head, getting her fingers into that wild, adorable hair of hers. She brought her daughter's head out a little so she could look at her. Instantly her face turned into a bright smile and Liv watched as Fay leaned in and planted her lips on her mom's. Fay then turned her head a little and Liv got a look at her profile. It felt good to see her, and in one piece.

"We should let the paramedics have a look at her," Liv said and Fay turned her head. When she spotted Liv she shot her a bright smile that made her tear marked cheeks stand out and two dimples emerged. Liv had to sit down on her heels and reach out and touch the girl's cheek.

"Hi there," she whispered. Fay kept smiling but didn't let go of her mother's neck. Liv met Amanda's eyes briefly and they both smiled and felt such great relief. A few seconds past by but then Liv asked if she was ready to head out and Amanda nodded. Liv made sure she got up properly as she seemed reluctant to let go of her daughter. Cragen and Nick had the biggest smiles as they approached while Fin looked as pale and drained as Amanda had just a moment ago. Chad was smiling too, happy it had all ended well. Fay had put her head down on her mother's shoulder and held on tight. Both Cragen and Nick had to reach out and touch the girl's back. Nick's hand then went to Amanda's arm while Cragen had to put his on Amanda's cheek in a very paternal way. Liv could see tears in their captain's eyes and she was sure she had some in hers too.

"Amanda," Kim's cry ruined the moment. Just hearing her sister's voice made Amanda hold on a little tighter to her daughter.  
"I just wanted to buy her a birthday present. I wasn't gonna hurt her, I promise," Kim cried, "Please help me Manda. Don't let them take me in." Fin wasn't sure what he saw in Amanda's eyes but he feared she was gonna cave and he stepped in-between them to break the gaze.

"Fay needs to get checked out," he said to bring Amanda back to the present and the fact her daughter had become a victim because of her sisters stupidity.  
"I think she's fine," Amanda said silently and stroke the back of her daughter's head.  
"We need to make sure, she did spend time alone with him," Liv said and nodded towards the patrol car holding Joe. Amanda didn't even want to think about what could have happen but she was somewhat certain Fay was unharmed. She did nod though and she was about to turn to the ambulance when Chad stopped her.

"What do you wanna do about your sister? I mean we have to bring her in but about the charges?" Chad couldn't do miracles. Kim had obviously broken the law but he knew Cragen had influence, that had been obvious to him today as every available asset had come easy to him after Cragen and the SVU squad had arrived at the scene.

"What do you mean, you pin her for everything," Fin said and they could all tell he was upset by the question. He looked to Amanda who looked ambivalent though.  
"Common, she stole your child," he said.

"Haven't we already used too much of the city's resources…" Amanda tried. In the midst of all the feelings of anger, angst and torment she'd felt today there was also a hint of guilt. This was her sister and she'd caused such a mess today. So many people and resources had been used. Resources that should have been spent on someone or something else. This was her legacy talking. The part that had been brought up thinking charity was a bad thing if it was directed at your own family. That you shouldn't take hand-outs even if you're so hungry your gut is screaming and you have to rumble through a container outside a restaurant in the middle of the night to find something to eat for yourself and the six year old that kept a look out at the corner. No you should keep your problems to yourself, never let anyone see you weak and act like everything is just fine.

"No way," Fin persisted, "this won't be swept under the rug. She stole a kid. He stole a kid." Fin pointed with a sharp finger towards Kim and then towards the car Joe was sitting in and then turned back to Amanda.  
"It has to go on their records. This can never, ever, happen again," Fin was not budging and Amanda could see it clearly and she did agree with him. Kim had gone too far this time and probably earlier in different situations too and Amanda covering for her had meant she learnt nothing.

"Okay," Amanda just said and nodded barely visible. She stroke Fay's back as she'd picked up on Fin's harsh tone and didn't like it. Amanda turned to Chad and gave him a nod too before she turned and walked over towards the ambulance. Fin met Fay's eyes over her mom's shoulder but neither one of them smiled.

"You wanna…?" Liv asked Fin and gestured after them.  
"I wanna talk to him," Fin said and nodded towards Joe.  
"I'll go then," Liv volunteered quickly and got a nod from her captain. She caught up to Amanda just as one of the paramedics tried to have a look at Fay. Fay didn't want any part of it and started crying as she cling on to her mom even harder.

"Let's just go to the hospital, get her to a calmer surrounding," the paramedics suggested and got a nod from Liv. Liv and the paramedics helped Amanda stepped into the back and then she had a seat on the gurney. Liv helped close the door behind her as she got in after them.

"Manda," Kim cried as she watched her sister climb into the ambulance, "Please don't leave me here." Chad instructed the police by Joe's car where to bring him while Fin, Cragen and Nick walked a few steps closer to the car where Kim sat.  
"She can't leave me like this," she kept crying and seemed totally unaware of the distress she'd put her sister through today not to mention how much she'd cost the city with her shenanigans. Fin just shook his head as he knew whatever would come out of his mouth right now wouldn't be anything close to nice. Kim spotted him and tried pleading with him;

"I didn't harm her. I would never. I left a note with the other kid, you didn't get it?"  
"You don't snatch a kid from her schoolyard," Fin said and bit his tongue to not embellish it with curse words.  
"But I left a note with the kid," she begged and she was being honest. The day after a distraught mom would come in with a note that she found in her son's jacket pocket that morning. It simply read 'I've taken my niece out for some b-day shopping. Kim Rollins'. It still didn't work as a defense. Kim left the note to a three year old after she'd sent a guy she'd just met over the fence to grab Fay. That's not okay but in Kim's mind it was. Since she didn't dare to approach Amanda after the mess she cause her last visit she tried making amends by doing something nice for Fay but it ended up causing an even bigger mess. The story of Kim's life.

**Amanda, Fay and Liv arrived** at the hospital at the same time as Kim got loaded in the car and driven to the station for booking and interrogation. Liv thanked the paramedic as he left them with a nurse inside the emergency room. They'd managed to take some of Fay's vitals in the ambulance as long as they let her stay in her mother's arms and so far everything looked good. Amanda wasn't looking forward of having to go through a physical exam with her own daughter though but she knew they needed to make sure she hadn't been abused in any way. Fay still didn't have enough words to describe what had happen. All she would later say about the afternoon's trials would be 'choko good' (her word for chocolate), 'funny park', 'angry dog', 'angry lady', 'was tired' and 'police loud'.

Now though they got guided up to the kids ward by the nurse and soon a doctor Liv had come in contact with before came into the room. Fay had loosened up her grip on her mom a little by now and with joint efforts the doctor and Amanda managed to undress Fay. Liv stayed by the wall but Fay knew she was there and every now and then held out something for her to watch and acknowledge. The doctor kept giving Fay props to keep her occupied as she did the examination. Liv could tell on Amanda's face it was hard for her to go through this and Liv understood. The victim being a family member or someone else you loved always made it harder.

Fay was a trooper though, letting the doctor probe and run tests. She got a little scared as they turned down the lights to check for semen on her clothes and body but Amanda knew how to calm her down. She could see the UV light herself but still didn't breathe until the doctor announced there were no traces of semen anywhere. Liv could breathe too once they knew. Fay had a slight bruise around her left wrist. Amanda imagined it came from when Kim grabbed her outside that diner or perhaps later on. Amanda knew all too well Kim could get physical and even with her slender frame she could cause bruises on adults and then surely on a kid too. Amanda stroked her daughter's wrist gently and shot her a smile once Fay looked at her.

They left the hospital under an hour from when they got there. Meanwhile everyone else had gone to the closest station and Fin and Nick went in to talk to Joe. They still hadn't learnt the news from the hospital that Fay was okay so Fin was determined to find out what kind of creep Joe was and what he'd done to Fay. Cragen let Chad and Lexie handle Kim since they had a, sure distant, but still a relationship to her.

Kim admitted to have let a drug dealer clean out Amanda's apartment earlier this year. Chad would leave this out of the transcript since it was a past offense they didn't need to add to the current one if Amanda wanted her sister's mess a little less messy. But the clean out was important because that's why Kim was afraid to approach Amanda. Whether or not it was Amanda or the fear she'd turned her in to the police that was her biggest worry wasn't really clear though. Chad had seen the text where Kim asked Amanda if she could buy a birthday gift for Faith. Amanda had answered that _one_ birthday gift would not make up for all the toys and stuff Fay lost. Kim had caught a ride with a friend who drove up to New York and she'd planned to surprise Amanda but found her keys didn't work any longer. Of course Amanda had changed locks after her apartment was cleaned out but Kim didn't get that.

So the next thing that had come to her mind was getting Faith a birthday present and she figured it was better if she could chose one herself. That way she would really like it. Why then Kim had entered the shopping mall a couple of minutes before Joe and Fay and why she came out empty handed wasn't revealed. It was quite clear early on to both Chad and Lexie Kim's reasoning wasn't connecting. She was all over the place. Would they take a drug test it would definitely come up positive they figured.

Kim had met Joe the night before and crashed on his couch, it was apparently something she did with no concern to who the stranger was. She'd talked Joe into the surprise shopping trip but of course not revealed the entire backstory. Joe, who was caught with drugs in his back pocket, had to submit a drug test which came up positive and a drug charge would be added to his rap sheet along with kidnapping and child endangerment. He wasn't a throughout bad guy though. He seemed honest when he said he had no idea Kim wasn't allowed to take Fay from school like that. He'd figured the jumping the fence part wasn't a good sign but Kim had said it was all part of the surprise and that she'd talked to the teacher already.

In the mall Fay had used the same word for toilet as Joe's little sister did as a kid – something that sounded more like dotty than potty. So he'd just brought her to the bathroom and he swore he didn't touch her. He would never touch a child like that. He had two sisters, there was no way he would do anything to a little girl he swore. And Fin pushed him. Nick as well. They asked about the photos of Jenna and the fact she was a minor. He said she had a crush on him and she'd left them for him one day. Dropped them in his mailbox and he'd just put them in a drawer. He seemed a little flattered she had a crush on him but he wasn't interested. He liked more mature women he said.

Like Kim, Nick asked since Kim still looked closer to twenty then thirty but it got clear Kim had been the one pushing for a place to crash and she'd seemed fun so he'd let her crash on his couch. She had drugs so they had a bit of a party and then, since he had nothing to do that day, he'd tagged a long on her escapades. He regretted it now both Fin and Nick could tell. Sure he'd done the crime and would have to own up to it but it got rather obvious this was all Kim's doing. Joe was just another unlucky person that crossed Kim Rollins path. Another life she helped screw up a little further. Fin didn't like the fact Amanda was stuck with hurricane Kim in her life but he got family was family.

Once Fin learnt Fay had been cleared on the physical he felt able to let some of the anger rinse off him. Amanda, Fay and Liv were at the station once the interrogation was over. Once Chad was done with Kim he would take Amanda's statement. Joe had already been walked down to a holding cell and was waiting for transport to the prison where he would spend the night. He would get a mild sentence for the abduction of Fay thanks to the fact Amanda pleaded it out to spare her sister from going to jail. In the end Amanda wouldn't be able to sell Kim out completely and asked both Cragen and Chad to go easy on Kim. Joe had the drug charges also to own up to though and would get to sleep in a 6 by 8 for the next two months with a guy named Jorge in the top bunk.

Once Kim was taken down to the holding cell she spotted Amanda in the station and started pleading to her. Amanda, who'd never let go of Fay since she got her back in her arms, held her even closer. Perhaps used her a little as a shield. Once Kim realized the pleading wasn't working she changed strategy.

"Fuck you Amanda. You've never cared about me. You'll let them throw me in jail you… bitch," her eyes gave her away though as tears came pouring out. Since Fin was too far away Liv stepped in instead and got herself in-between Kim and Amanda. Kim was too far away to be any physical harm but Liv knew words could be just as bad. Amanda covered her daughter's ear and pressed her to her shoulder.

"You never loved me," Kim shouted as two uniforms led her out. But as they turned the corner Kim seemed to regret the harsh words and from down the hallway they heard her scream _I'm sorry_ over and over again. All eyes in the station went from Kim to Amanda as the storm settled. Liv noticed the tears in Amanda's eyes as she tried to hide them by planting a kiss on her daughter's head. Fin had reached them by now and helped shield them a little from the nosey eyes. Chad had heard the commotion and hurried out. He gestured them over so he could bring them to a more secluded place.

Fay had started fussing a bit and Amanda figured she was getting hungry. It was dinner time and all she'd had the entire afternoon was part of a candy bar. Chad offered to send someone to get something for all of them but Liv and Nick volunteered and went down to the cafeteria as Chad started taking Amanda's statement. Both Cragen and Fin stayed in the room with them. Fay was restless but refused to let go of her mom even when Fin tried to take her. Once Liv and Nick came back with some drinks and sandwiches they took a break and fed themselves. Fay stayed in Amanda's lap the entire time but with some food in her belly she got in a little better mood and her delightful persona was yet again showing as she flirted with everyone around her.

Amanda was happy she wasn't shy or seemed harmed by today's events but at the same time feared she hadn't done her job properly. Maybe she should have made her more wary of strangers? Not this sociable and kind to everyone?

Fin noticed Amanda going somewhere in her mind and he brought her back with a hand on her arm as Fay was having fun sticking her finger in Fin's ear.  
"You okay?" he asked and she gave him a faint smile and a nod.

"Try and eat some more," he urged as her sandwich was mostly untouched having helped Fay get hers into her mouth and not all over the floor. She nodded but made no attempt for the sandwich. Instead she folded her arms around the tiny body that was now standing in her lap having fun with Fin's face sockets. She was glad when Chad finally asked if they could continue so he could let them go home to a well deserved night's sleep. Everyone but Fin stayed outside the room this time around. Fay's energy was on a high with the food intake and she soon was running laps around the table. Fin asked if he could bring her outside for a while and Amanda reluctantly said okay. She knew that the faster she could get this over with the faster they would get out of there. She had a hard time tearing her eyes off her daughter though as Fin brought her outside. The door closing behind them ended it and it stung a little in her heart as she turned back to the table.

Chad could see she got anxious without her daughter present and tried to speed it up. He mostly wanted to get her side to how to handle Kim. He'd already picked up on her protectiveness of her sister and she surely wouldn't want to lock her up for too long. As they settled everything in there the detectives on the outside enjoyed the little bundle of joy. She charmed every one of them by giving each a bright smile and then Cragen got blessed with a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Like she knew who to thank for everything.

Amanda had to stay put yet a while longer to sign some papers. She'd already told the rest a few times now that they didn't need to stay put and how grateful she was for everything they'd done for her today. No one wanted to leave though. It was rare they got to work cases with happy endings so this was a treat to see mother and daughter united and safe. As soon as Amanda got out Fay would be back in her arms again and stayed there until her eyes started to fall shut. Fin took the sleeping form for a while so Amanda could visit the bathroom before they headed out of there.

Fin would drive Amanda and Fay home to their place, Cragen took a cab home and Nick and Liv volunteered to take care of some other business. With Chad's and Cragen's help Amanda had arranged so Kim could get out on bail. She'd booked and paid for a room at a motel close to the bus station and she'd bought her a ticket on the first bus to Atlanta in the morning. She would have to report at the Atlanta PD within 24 hours or Amanda's bail money would be gone. Cragen had already put in a call to her old captain, Sam Reynolds, and was secure he would help get Kim there.

Liv and Nick got Kim out of hold up and drove her to the motel. Liv made sure Kim understood she would stay away from Amanda and Fay or she'd be back in jail in an instant. And she would be on that bus in the morning if she had even an inch of consideration for her sister. Kim knew she had no compassion to gain from Liv and tried Nick instead. She pleaded with him to just let her use his phone and try and call her. All she wanted was to apologize. Kim had nothing to gain from Nick either though.

His own daughter Zara had been on his mind since they learnt of Fay's abduction. The level of disgust he felt for Kim's action was about as high as what he'd seen in Fin's eyes once they learnt Kim was behind it all. Having your child abducted was worse enough but then from a family member? From someone who should know better. No, Kim had no compassion to collect form Nick either. They made sure she got her motel key and they made sure she got to her room. They left her sitting, crying her eyes out, on the bed but still felt no compassion for her.

"Be on the bus 9 am," was the last thing Liv said as she closed the door behind them. Nick drove Liv home afterwards and not much was said. The only thing was a short remark how adorable Fay was and that they both hoped Amanda and Fay would get a good night's sleep. Liv said her good nights and waved after she'd closed the car door. Nick looked as the clock on his phone, knew it was a little too late but still dialed his ex wife's house. He needed to hear his daughter's voice, make sure she was okay.

Fin had driven straight to Amanda's apartment, which wasn't far away. He'd made sure they had a safe passage upstairs as Amanda wanted to carry her sleeping daughter herself. He watched as Amanda skillfully got Fay into her pajama without waking her up and then tucked into bed. Fin offered to make them some hot tea as Amanda took a shower. Once the kettle was done and he fixed her a sandwich he still heard the shower running and left it on the stove as he went to watch some TV. He lost track of time and noticed once he looked at his clock that half an hour had passed. He got up and walked down the hall to see if Amanda was done.

He found her in the door to Fay's bedroom and approached carefully so not to frighten her.  
"Hey," he whispered and let his hand go up over her back as he saw her noticing him. She took a deep breath and he felt it underneath his palm as it stopped between her shoulder blades. He gave her shoulder a kiss, took a whiff of her newly washed hair and came up behind her so he too could watch the sleeping form in her big girl bed.

"Common, I've fixed something for you to eat," he whispered after a while. His hand had moved up over her shoulder and he squeezed it gently.  
"In a minute," she whispered not wanting to let her eyes of her daughter just yet.  
"You haven't eaten all day Amanda," he reprimanded. She remained quiet though, didn't move. He could feel her thoughts turning though and he was too curious not to ask.

"What you thinking 'bout?" he asked. She sighed, kept quiet for a while but then decided to let him in on where her head was at;  
"I just don't want her to be afraid. Ever. I don't want her to grow up constantly worrying about the stranger, the drug addict, the beggars. The people my mom constantly warned us about when I was a child and that made me growing up so damn cautious."  
"But she has to be aware there's shady people out there," Fin had to add. He swiped some loose, damp strands behind her ear and enjoyed how soft her hair felt against his fingers.

"But there's also so many caring people right?" she turned to him with tears in her eyes, "I mean this wasn't a stranger. It was family. It was my own sister. And it was my dad and his gambling that put me and my sister in that car with that maniac. My God," she whispered as it hit her, "I'm the one who's going to bring danger to her. My crazy family. And my work. I'm going to bring the crazy to her." She was going downhill fast in her mind Fin knew and saw it happen too. He grabbed her by her arms and made her look at him.

"Stop it. You will not bring anything but good to her. Sure she will try and prove you wrong once she's a teen but I know, _I know_, you will always have every bit of good intention when it comes to her wellbeing because I see how much you love her. She already knows how much you love her and that makes her the caring, independent and strong little girl that she is today," he had to catch his breath but was planning to keep going when she stopped him by planting her lips over his. His hands eased up on the solid grip he had around her arms as the kiss deepen. His hands found their way down and around her waist as he pulled her in. He felt her hands come up over his chest and she grabbed a hold of the fabric around his neckline. She'd missed this. Missed him. He'd been somewhat distance since that whole Mimi/Anton ordeal. Amanda feared he was still angry with her for pulling that stunt on her own but she'd been too much of a coward and hadn't dared to bring it up. She'd hoped it would just blow over one day but for the entire summer he'd been a bit absent and she missed having him around almost constantly.

After a while she separated herself from him a bit.

"You have a part in that too you know," she whispered. It felt good to hear but he didn't feel like he could take credit for a job she'd done mostly on her own. She saw his doubt and grabbed on to his neckline a little harder.  
"You do!" she said and he gave her a tiny smile.

"Okay, I do bring the funny bone to her," he said quietly, "and the swag." That made Amanda chuckle but she quickly covered her mouth with her hand as she looked inside to the sleeping child to make sure she hadn't woken her. Fay remained still and Fin reached out to close the door. He didn't close it all the way though knowing Amanda would want to check in on her from time to time during the night. He grabbed her hand and led her over to the couch. He sat down and grabbed her so she followed. She landed square across his lap and he quickly got his arms around her.

"So she got your swag eh?" Amanda smiled right before his lips found her neck and started exploring it as so many times before.  
"You should be thankful she got mine and not yours," he mumbled as he worked his way up to her ear and through that arousing smell of her conditioner. Amanda didn't get it.  
"What do you mean?" she asked as she squeezed her chin to her shoulder to force him out and up so she could see him. She caught his face between her hands as soon as he reemerged so she could stare him down.  
"Cause you got some seriously dangerous swag my lady," he said and stole a quick kiss. She felt her cheeks blush a little and it didn't go unnoticed by him.

"I do?" she whispered a bit stunned but with a good feeling in her gut. He nodded slowly as her hands fell down to his chest.  
"So you and Fay got…" she left it for him to fill in.  
"Some cool and gangsta swag going on." Her smile got wider as he seemed to try and look cool and gangsta too as he said it.  
"And I got…"  
"Head spinning, sultry, sexy swag," he said and immediately brought her down on her back so he could follow her down.

His lips found hers quickly and his tongue quickly went inside to deepen the kiss. Her hands went up around his neck as one of his found its way up under her shirt. He didn't stop until he found her breast and he let his fingers run over it. Enjoyed the feeling of her nipple harden under his slight touch, cupping her entire breast with his hand squeezing it gently. Enjoyed how every little thing he did got an effect on or from her. How she pushed up against him as her nipple harden. How she sucked a little more air out of him as he squeezed her breast. She moved slightly underneath him and he gave her space to get her hip properly underneath his. He lay down comfortable and familiar between her legs. His mouth went down to her neck and he left a wet trail as his mouth went deeper to one side. Her breath was heavy, he felt her heart pound in her chest. His hand traveled down from her breast and towards her lower region. She started objecting once he reached the hem of her pants though.

"Not when she's in the other room," she was out of breath and didn't really want to stop him but she couldn't block out her rational side. And he didn't push. He didn't have to like it but he respected the rules she'd put up. One was no sex when the kid's in the next room. There was ways he could get around it though, he'd at more than one time managed to win her over with the 'she's actually two rooms away' excuse. But he wouldn't try that tonight. Not just yet anyways. As he came back up so he could look at her he saw the kiss swollen lips and the heat on her cheeks but he could also see the grief today's ordeal had left in her eyes. Her whites had thin red lines from all the tears she'd shed today. Public tears too that he knew was even more painful for her.

He brought his hand up to her face and let his fingers run through her hair a few times to clear her face. They managed to hold each other's eyes for a while before the moment got too intimate and he gave her a quick peck on her lips before he rolled off her so his back ended up against the couch's. He kept his arms around her though and she moved slightly so she ended up in a comfortable position by his side. She kept her eyes on the ceiling as he kept his eyes on her. He couldn't stop himself from again reaching out and stroking her hair.

"You had a rough day," he said quietly as he played with a strand in her bangs.  
"It wasn't fun," she said with pursed lips and then turned her head slightly towards him. He was resting his head in his other hand and he just looked very calm. She was in need of calm right now. She felt tears forming behind her eyes and she turned towards him and squeezed into his chest a bit so she could hide them from him. He knew though. He'd seen the look on her face and he knew. He put his arm around her and caressed her back tenderly. He leaned down and planted a kiss on her head. Their legs entwined as so often before.

"She's safe and sound now. Back where she belongs," he whispered. They just laid there for a while. She didn't fight the tears and just let them fall down her face as they came. She played with his shirt. Let her fingers draw lines over the print on his chest as she thought about everything that had happen today. She couldn't remember much about the interrogation she'd been in when she got called out by captain. She'd immediately seen it was serious on his face but she'd never expected it was anything but business. She'd felt her knees give way as he'd told her.

She didn't remember much then until they were in the car. She remembered Fin by the wheel and how she'd wished they'd get to the preschool alive cause he'd been driving like a maniac. And then panic again. A few very stressful hours. She couldn't help but think 'what if'. She thought about all those parents who never got to see their kids again. She had to stop thinking about that cause the tears were threatening to drench the couch if she continued. She wiped her eyes a little so everything wouldn't be so blurry. She took a deep breath and she felt Fin lean down and kiss her hair again.

"She's fine," he whispered again as he felt her body tremble slightly with the deep inhale. His words were comforting. Yes, Fay was safe and home where she belonged. She couldn't help but think about her sister though. She was still angry with her but she couldn't help but worry about her a little too.

"You think my sister's fine too?" she was almost afraid to ask. She knew Fin wasn't Kim's biggest fan right now, if ever. She heard him take a short breath and she imagined that he had a frown on his face.

"She's a big girl. She can take care of herself," he said and tried to hide the spite he felt for Kim right now. He knew she had some extenuating issues, but he was sure the drugs didn't help her mental state and the drugs were on her. And he could take, not necessarily accept or approve, but he could take that Amanda let herself get pulled into Kim's shenanigans. Amanda enabled Kim though and Fin couldn't understand how someone so bright could so easily get manipulated by someone who so obviously spoke mostly bullshit. But he never had a brother or sister so he couldn't really understand that bond. He still knew very little about how Amanda and Kim grew up but from meeting their mom and the small bits that he did have he got that it had been far from perfect.

He got that Amanda probably had to shelter Kim from a very early age and that she still did. There was a reason she kept him away whenever her sister was in town. He didn't have to like it and he wouldn't stop trying to subtly convince Amanda she was an enabler but he got she protected her sister to a fault. But this time Kim had brought Fay into it. Kim had put Fay in harm's way by leaving her with a total stranger and that's after abducting her. That was not okay in Fin's world and there was no way in hell he'll let Kim near that kid again.

"I should have listen to you. At least in lock-up I would know she's safe for the night," Amanda's voice sounded very small and she crawled closer to him in need of even more comforting. He was thinking 'of course you should have listened to me' but he didn't say it knowing she was already beating herself up enough on her own. Instead he wrapped his arm around her and held on to her tight. He laid down his head right next to hers so he could hold on to her with his other arm too.

"Your sister seems to have an uncanny ability to always land on her feet. I'm sure she's fine," he said as he let his hand run through her hair again.  
"But I'm sure she's feeling regretful now and if she's all alone I don't know what she'll…" Amanda's voice broke. Fin sighed as he tried to bite down not to say anything that would upset her even more right now.

"Okay just hear me out. You've done your part Amanda. You raised your sister to the best of your ability, you've protected her in the past, kept her safe the way you saw fit. You can't do all that any longer cause just a wall away lies this precious little being that needs all that now. Your sister isn't your baby any longer, she's not your responsibility. She should never have been to be honest but we can't change that. But we can change how things will be from now on," he spoke slowly and thought about every word before he uttered them.

"I can't stop caring about her Fin,"  
"No. But you can't carry her. She's not your burden any longer. She has to stand on her own two feet now. She has to own up to her mistakes and what she did today was a big, _big_ mistake. One she has to stand accountable for to make sure she doesn't repeat it," he sounded as serious as he was. He hesitated but then decided it had to be said; "And until she's proved that she gets that what she did today was seriously wrong I don't want her anywhere near Fay." He almost expected to get punched or that she would push away from him or in some other way let him know he couldn't make demands like that. But nothing happen for a while. The room fell silent and he heard a car honk down at the street.

"I'll make sure she won't," she then whispered and Fin held her if possible even closer. Nothing more was said on the matter and they just laid there. He could feel the last of the stressful day leave her body and soon she was snoozing calmly in his arms. He would have preferred if she'd eaten something but sleep was the other thing she needed and he settle with that.

He laid there just appreciating that this day was coming to an end and that it all had turned out okay. That the kid was sleeping in her bed right now and he had Amanda in his arms. This awful day would end on a good note. He didn't take it for granted.

He started to feel himself drift away but he would soon be awaken by the loss of Amanda's warm body next to his. He grabbed for her as she was about to get up off the couch.

"I just want to make sure she's doing okay," she whispered as she took his hand in hers. He nodded sleepily and let her go. He watched her slip into Fay's room and then put his head back down on the couch. He must have dozed off again and once he woke up he wasn't sure how much time had passed by. Amanda was still missing and he slowly sat up. He yawned and rubbed his hands over his face. It took a while longer before he felt able to stand up. He walked over to Fay's door and looked inside. Amanda was sitting cross-legged on the floor close to Fay's bed. Fay was sleeping with her face turned outwards to Amanda but her thumb and blanky was covering most of her face.

"Hey," Fin whispered and hoped he wouldn't startle Amanda. He didn't and she slowly turned her head towards him. She gave him a smile and he smiled back.  
"I'm gonna go lie down on your bed, you coming?" he whispered.  
"In a minute," she smiled and when he gave her a nod she turned her head back to Fay.

Fin took a mental picture of what he saw and then dragged his feet to her bedroom. He lay down on top of the covers. He was so tired and his attempt to stay awake was futile. He woke up slightly though as she came creeping up on the bed a little bit later. He grabbed her as she lay down and she turned around so he could spoon her. He pulled her in as hard as he was able to still half asleep and nestled his face down in her hair the way he liked to. He fell right back to sleep.

When he woke up he was alone again though. He turned to look at her alarm clock. No more than 5 am. He needed the bathroom and as he was done he took a stroll over to Fay's room. He found Amanda right where he expected her to be. Sound asleep next to her daughter with her arm around the tiny girl's body. He stayed in the door frame for a while and watched them. He smiled as he heard Fay's faint snoring. After a while he turned back to the bedroom and lay down to catch some more sleep. Soon everyone in the household was sound asleep again. Everyone safe. Faith was back.

**XXX**

**Did you suspect it was Kim? It was fun trying to hide the fact. Maybe it would have been a little bit easier to guess if I'd given away the clean-out during Kim's last visit but it was actually something I thought about adding since it happen in the real show after I'd posted the Mimi/Anton chapter so it was too late to change it. **  
**Okay so now I'm going to start to wrap this fanfic up, it became longer than I anticipated. There's still some chapters to go though, the Finanda lovestory is just too complicated to wrap up in one chapter. Fin is so bullheaded ;)**


	27. Risky Operation part 1

**Fay's abduction** had of course had great impact on Amanda. For a few hours she'd felt like the rug had literary been pulled from underneath her feet. A life without Fay would be no life. Coming so close to that being the case was life shattering but then having her back absolutely the greatest fortune Amanda had experienced. The day and the following and all the emotions were very draining. Amanda stayed home with Fay that first day afterwards but then was sane enough to realize for her own as well as for Fay she needed to get back to the old routine. Dropping her off at nursery school was one of the toughest things Amanda had gone through.

The school had taken measures after the abduction though. They put twice as many grown-ups out on the yard at recess and the cameras had been redirected and their numbers added so it covered the entire backyard. The fence would be added too later that year, making it a yard higher which had been planned even before Fay's abduction since kids climbed it. The added safety measures still didn't make it any easier for Amanda to drop her daughter off that morning though. She stayed put longer than usual and no one objected. Fay's teacher Ms Beasley almost seemed nervous when Amanda started to pull out of there, almost like she wanted help to watch Fay a little closer today. The teacher's aide Susan let Amanda knew though that Fay would be fine and it was okay for her to head to work. Amanda would receive a text during lunch from Susan that let her know Fay was fine and it even had a photo attached. Amanda had no words for how much she appreciated that gesture.

Little things like that and the fact her squad backed her up made it easier to move on from the tragic events. Cragen also ordered her to see dr Olivet for a few sessions. He knew she was still seeing her every other month but that was still linked with all that happen in Atlanta and he wanted to make sure she dealt with the abduction as well. Since she was still willingly going to dr Olivet Cragen figured they had a good thing going there and he was very pleased. And also very proud of how much Amanda had grown these last couple of years, he hoped he had at least a small part in that growth.

Amanda's sister, Kim, would be on that bus back to Atlanta with that ticket Amanda had bought from her. She would, driven by Amanda's old captain, check in with the Atlanta PD the following day and Amanda would get her bail money back once the case was all pleaded out in court. What Kim had done would forever put a dent in their relationship though but within a few months they were back to talking again. Amanda had never been one for holding grudges. It just took too much energy out of you and it was better to just move on. Something Fin didn't get. He held many grudges and saw no point in forgiving people who didn't deserve it.

Another thing that came out of the abduction was a realization for Amanda that she felt lonely. Sure she had Fay but she didn't really have Fin did she? Even in that crisis situation he hadn't stepped up as the father, perhaps she hadn't given him much room but still. He had been there and surely been affected a large deal about the events that took place but their relationship just never changed. It made her question what they had and what was in the future for them. She wasn't sure she wanted to wait around for something more that might or might not happen and there must be a reason why she felt unable to talk to him about it. Was she truly in love with him or just the security he brought to her life?

This was on her mind the rest of the year. Fay turned three and with the abduction still fresh in mind Amanda wanted to celebrate it a little larger than earlier years. She found an indoor play center that arranged birthday parties within her budget and they invited her entire class. All 16 kids with one or more parents showed up. Of course Eva was there with Esteban and Johnny. And Fin, Ken and Alejandro dropped by too even though they had dinner at Amanda's place the night before in Fay's honor. Fay and the rest of the kids all seemed to have loads of fun and Amanda had time to enjoy it too. Not that crisis' was something to recommend but it did make you value what you had just a little bit more and made you appreciate the happy moments just a little extra.

Fin had stayed to the very end and caught a ride with them since he'd arrived with Ken and Alejandro. He had helped out a lot and played around with the kids and Amanda could tell he was worn down. Fay was tired too and they turned in for an early night. Fin offered to take care of Fay as they hauled her up out of the bath tub so Amanda could take a shower. Sounded great to Amanda and Fin wrapped Fay in a blanket at she saw them disappear down the hallway. She took her time, enjoyed the warm rays cleansing her from today's events but she was still done within half an hour. She'd never been much for long showers anyways. She figured Fin would have started the bedtime reading by now but could tell the room was dark as she got closer.

She walked down the hallway and peeked inside. She heard tiny voices in there but the room was dark. As her eyes adjusted to the darkness she could see the outline of the bed and could see that Fin and Fay were both on it.

"What's going on in here?" she whispered a little higher than their voices. Her daughter hushed her and then whispered something incomprehensible.  
"Did you just hush your mama?" Amanda said and tried to sound less amused as she approached the bed. She heard Fin chuckle a little. Amanda sneaked up on the other side of her daughter and lay down on the tiny space left on the bed next to her.

"What are we doing?" Amanda whispered.  
"Lamb is fleeping," Fay tried to whisper but it came out more in her normal tone of voice.  
"The lamp is sleeping?" Amanda translated what she thought her daughter meant and she felt Fay nod on the pillow next to her, her hair tickling her temple. Amanda raised her head and looked over her daughter to Fin. Even in the dark she could see his eyes were closed.

"So the lamp is sleeping eh?" she whispered and Fin hushed her.  
"Yeah right buddy," she said and lay back down on the pillow. Fay came rolling up on her. Put her head on her chest and let her legs fall down on each side of her.  
"Perfect, you were supposed to read her to sleep and here I am a hamburger," she sighed but again couldn't hide her amusement. She felt her daughter's fingers entwining in her hair as she usually did as they cozied in.

"Not my fault the lamp needed to sleep," Fin whispered. The room fell silent. He soon came rolling over though and he put his arm carefully over the two of them. She felt his lips touch lightly against her temple and she had to smile. She could feel her daughter slowly falling asleep on top of her and soon her little fingers laid still all entangled in her hair. It sounded as Fin had drifted off to sleep too and Amanda again felt that sense of bliss that had hit her several times today. She turned her head towards Fin and watched his sleeping features. "Why couldn't they have it like this every night?" she thought to herself as bliss turned to a tiny turmoil in her gut. She watched his closed eyes intensely for a few moments to make sure he was really asleep.

"I love you," she whispered just to try it out. It didn't feel as good to say as she had hoped it would. It was something you should tell someone as they paid attention, not like something shameful in the night. She turned her head and watched the ceiling of Fay's room. The moon and the seven stars up there had lost their illuminate light by now but she could see their outlines with the light from the doorway. She'd laid here with Fay so many nights and the two of them had sent wishes to the stars as they drifted off to sleep. Amanda had learnt a long time ago that wishes rarely came through but she wanted her daughter to have that hope that they at least could and maybe in the process she would gain some hope back.

Fay was surely the biggest gift she'd ever gotten in her life and you would never catch Amanda complain about her life out loud but in her head she still hoped for something more. She wanted to be a part of a family. A functional one. She'd longed for it since she was a kid and she'd never felt so close to one as when she was with Fay and Fin. But she needed the validation now. This wasn't enough anymore and the thought felt in a way devastating since she figured Fin was still not ready for more.

**New York was struck** by a hard but short winter that year. The snow disappeared as quickly as it came, to Fay's dismay. She loved snow and went through a period when she was very fascinated with polar bears, Eskimos and the ice age. This led to the fridge 'accident' at Eva's place when Fay and Johnny emptied her fridge to play Eskimos. Her newly found fascination was also the reason she kept yelling out "qani" every time she saw a snowflake and "api" as she pointed to the ground. These were the Eskimo, or more politically correct Inuit words for snowflake and snow on the ground. They'd read it online as they explored the Inuit culture together. Fin told her to watch out so the kid wouldn't start speaking Eskimo before she spoke English.

Well no more qani for the season and the api would soon thaw out. And with that Fay re-directed her fascination back to unicorns. Springs early entrance also meant romance was back on the streets. People holding hands on the streets, sitting close together in the park and kissing in the street corner as the love birds came out of hiding. Of course Amanda was very aware of them since her own love life had been on her mind for several months now. But also since there was a spree of violence directed at these couples. It had moved a little over the city, jumping from borough to borough. And it was directed towards interracial couples. More specific, Hispanic men with white women.

Manhattan had two cases reported early spring, and at least ten were reported in other boroughs. There were four, sometimes five, men with hoods and bandanas that had jumped the couples to begin with. Both the male and female in the couple had been punched around while warned that they should stick to their own kind. As the crime spree reemerged in Manhattan a third time though it seemed the pattern changed or perhaps was refined. Now the female was sexually assaulted after the man had been given a bad beating and the case turned to fall underneath the SVU squad.

The assaults had always been during the weekends, Friday and Saturday evenings as couples walked back home or around after a dinner date. The victims varied from first time daters to married well over ten years. The similarity between them was the racial factor and that they had been holding hands or held on to each other when they were jumped. The descriptions of the perpetrators were vague. Average height and size, they wore hoods and their noses and mouths were covered with bandanas. They spoke fluent English but for some reason victims still thought they were Hispanic men. The bandana probably threw them off though, the first profiler thought the men were Caucasian. In the beginning they used only fists but lately they were using bats as well as knuckle brass causing even more severe physical harm to their victims.

Another five assaults were reported in Manhattan over the next three weekends and Cragen decided it was time to try a different method than having police cars in the area. They had after all the perfect undercover couple in their own squad.

Inwood and East Harlem had been the locations for these last couple of assaults and that's where they targeted their efforts. Cragen left Liv in charge of the operation and the plan was to have Nick and Amanda walk around the different areas at night time playing a couple. This meant Amanda had to work Friday night and possible Saturday too. She felt as though she used Eva enough already and instead figured she'd see if Ken and Alejandro were up for some overnight babysitting. Of course they were and even arranged a genuine bed for her to sleep in even if it was only for a night or two. Amanda was thankful they wanted too but also figured she was doing them a little favor. She didn't think it would take too long until they announced a kid of their own. They both were so in love with kids, especially Fay, and Amanda was sure they would be great parents. This would give them a chance to practice for their own.

She dropped her off in the afternoon and then drove over to the meeting point. They had a briefing the day before with everyone involved. These guys were quick and doing great harm so they needed to be on their toes. Liv and a technician would be surveillance bus while Fin and three other plain clothed detectives took turn on the street. Two unmarked cars with two detectives each would be standing by to jump in as well. The plan was to hit East Harlem first. Nick and Amanda would have dinner at the same place as another couple had visited before their assault. After dinner they'd walk the same route, if nothing happen then they'd have a drink at a coffee bar nearby and then keep walking around the area.

Amanda liked undercover jobs. She saw it as a chance to play someone else for a little while but still knew to keep focus and busting the bad guy was the best reward ever. Being a decoy often meant you got to take the perp out yourself and Amanda loved that. That rush as you got to turn from victim to detective to try and take the guy down. One of the best experiences in her job she figured.

Nick had a lot of experience with undercover work but had a different outlook on it than Amanda. He always felt tense and on alert and could never enjoy the experience until the day after when he knew the perp was behind bars. He knew you had to be able to trust your partner, especially during undercover work. He knew he would be left out there with Amanda and they were actually inviting these perpetrators to beat the shit out of him and sexually harass, or worse, Amanda. It wasn't a task he took lightly.

Doing it with Amanda, knowing he had to play as though they were in love and with her past experience with that shady chief of staff of hers in Atlanta made him feel extra nervous. He knew it was a job they were assigned but he didn't want to cross a line but still had to make it look real.

They had been able to use an empty lot in the neighborhood of the restaurant they were visiting. Nick had called in a reservation, making sure the waiter knew he wanted a nice table by the window for him and his date. He couldn't say my Caucasian girlfriend even if he wanted to. They had looked at the staff but still suspected someone tipped the perpetrators off and it would go quicker if Nick and Amanda hooked them early on.

Nick had been waiting outside the bus while Liv wired Amanda and then helped her slip into her dress. He took the time to put some more aftershave on while outside, figured it was something someone did to smell good for their loved one. It had been so long since he'd been on a date he felt a bit nervous. He thought maybe he should have worn a tie but straighten the collar of his shirt underneath his jacket and hoped he looked sharp enough to pass as Amanda's date. He'd left the door with a little gap and heard Liv say "All done, Nick" so he'd know it was safe to come back in.

Liv helped Amanda straighten one of the shoulder straps and then looked her over mostly to make sure the wire wasn't showing underneath but she couldn't help but reflect how good Amanda looked.

"You look really cute in this dress," Liv had to let her know. Amanda got a shy smile on her face and shook her head so her locks fell all over the place. Liv was about to say something since she could tell she made Amanda blush but Nick came over and interrupted them. He managed to swallow the 'wow' that was about to slip out as he laid eyes on Amanda and just shot the two ladies a smile. Amanda had a dark green dress on that showed just enough skin to be tempting. The heels made her legs look long and seductive. Her hair was curly and looked so soft you wanted to touch it. The color of the dress along with the rather heavy make-up made her eyes turn green somehow and she looked radiant all over.

"Will I pass?" he said and put out his hands. Liv shot him a look. He did look sharp in his pants, white shirt and jacket.  
"As her date, nah," she winked and went over to their man at the control panel to check that Amanda's receiver worked as it should. Amanda stroked her hair behind her ears and gave Nick a smile.  
"She's right but we're pretending so," he smiled at Amanda as he walked up to her.

"Yepp, are we ready?" she looked from Nick to Liv, anxious to get started.  
"Give us another minute, we need to make sure you can hear us too," Liv said and looked back to the monitors.

"So just a quick question," Nick said grasping the moment to ask somehow what had been troubling him, "or guideline maybe. Since we're acting like a couple I might have to… well I'm just wondering where the line is so to speak." Liv overheard her partner's question and had an eye on them curious on how Amanda would respond.

"Stay away from the hoo-hoo and titts. A little ass action is okay but don't get too handsy," Amanda said frankly and was surprised how quickly it had all just slipped out and how she'd managed to sound so serious. She couldn't believe she'd used 'hoo-hoo' for the female organ though, it was the word she used with Fay and it had just slipped out. And who said 'titts' these days? Amanda hoped she hadn't made a fool out of herself.

Liv bit down a chuckle. She was impressed though. Straight answers were the best but it was a trait she was used to from men and not so much women. Perhaps she just didn't spend enough time around other women though?

Nick nodded and appreciated the straightforwardness. He'd been worried about exposing her to something that would remind her of what happen in Atlanta but now he felt at ease. Her professionalism impressed him.

"No hoo-hoo, no titts and just a little ass, that I can do," he smiled and Amanda could breathe once she knew he got her right. The technician guy shot Liv a look and then a smile as their eyes met. He'd found the brief exchange just as entertaining as she did.

Once they made sure the wires and ear pieces worked properly Nick and Amanda ducked out on to the street. Fin had been in the front of the bus but now joined Liv and the technician in the back. Amanda's outfit and all hadn't gone unnoticed by him. Of course she could turn him on in a muumuu but with just a little effort she was a complete knock-out to anyone who got the privilege to lay their eyes on her. Tonight was no exception. In fact, he wasn't sure he'd ever seen her quite this gorgeous and he caught himself wishing he could be the one taking her arm as he saw Nick do just that as they turned the corner.

They'd started out on a good note and it kept going that way. He offered her his arm just as they got out on the street since there was a crack in the pavement and once she grabbed it she didn't let him go. She had a thin, knitted cardigan on and he could feel her cold hand as he briefly grabbed it to get them over the crack.

"You're not cold are you?" he asked but she immediately shook her head.  
"It's okay, I'll be fine," she said to let him know she wouldn't have a problem with walking around after dinner. It seemed her body just always had to adjust to the temperature but then she rarely felt cold or too warm. As long as you're not talking extreme heat or cold of course. Tonight would be fine and she was excited to get started. They just had to get through dinner first.

They took a stroll around the restaurant though beforehand hoping to attract some attention of the right people. Amanda held on to Nick's arm and they kept small talking about the neighborhood as they went, not loosing focus on the task at hand meanwhile though. Liv interrupted just once to let them know they had a suspicious man across the street. One of the plain clothed had spotted him and gave Liv the information to relay. They stopped underneath a street light to give him a good look at their skin tones in case he was interested. Nick gave her a hug and she let her hands snake around his waist. It felt a bit weird being so close to her and for a moment his mind was fully occupied with how good she smelled. He snapped out of it quickly though but started to chuckle and hoped it wouldn't be obvious that was his nervous chuckle. She smiled and just played a long having no idea what had just been on his mind.

The suspicious man turned out to not be so suspicious though as he met up with the friend he'd been waiting for. They made sure the two left the area though as Nick and Amanda walked hand in hand towards the restaurant. He held the door open for her and she shot him a smile. The head waiter greeted them at the door and took Nick's reservation before he guided them to their table. Nick was quickly there to hold out the chair for Amanda even though the waiter clearly had been ready to do it. Amanda thanked him and then the waiter as he handed her the menu. Nick took his place across from her. They had a perfect table for the occasion. The candle was lit on the table making it obvious it was a date and everyone in the restaurant could see them as well as anyone outside on the street.

Amanda got her cardigan off and hung it on the back of the chair. She was carrying a little purse that had fell to the floor once already since she was not used to be having one around. Captain was picking up the tab so they could order anything but they didn't want to spend the entire night at the restaurant and went straight for the main course. He asked what she was in the mood for but she had a hard time deciding. She was never hungry at the job, at least not when you were right in the middle of it, but decided to go with the broiled salmon after Nick had helped her with the semi-Hispanic menu. He went with the crusted sea bass so he could also order a bottle of white wine with their food. Nick also noticed they had mini bacalaitos on the menu and just had to order a plate for them to share.

It brought him back to his childhood. His mom had made the best bacalaitos. Amanda enjoyed hearing him tell her about how his mom made them, how the dish is common all over Puerto Rico and the Dominican Republic and what seasonings was the best in his own opinion. He got really caught up and was happy when the waiter interrupted to serve them their wine. For a second he forgot there were actually people listening in. Amanda didn't mind though, it was just good that they had something to talk about. She hadn't been sure how well that part of the operation would work out but so far so good.

The waiter let Nick taste the wine and once he gave the approval of the bottle Amanda was served a full glass and then Nick. The waiter left the bottle in a bucket by their table. The bucket, the white cloth and the lit candle. Yes this had the looks of a real date. And then she reached out her hand and put it over his at the table. He looked from her hand and then up to her eyes and gave her a smile.

"What else did your mom make you? She sounds like a great cook?" she asked.  
"Oh we don't have to talk about that," he said a bit embarrassed but still raised his hand a little so their fingers could entwine.

"Why not? We have a dinner to sit through," she said skipping on the part 'I'd love to hear more' and hoped he just got it anyway. He gave her a serious look but then quickly changed his demeanor and kept telling her about his mom's kitchen magic. They kept holding hands as Nick told her about how his mom did a bit of catering business since the neighbors liked her food so much. They had some wine meanwhile but knew to take it easy on the alcohol. Soon the waiter came with their bacalaitos and told them the main course would soon follow. Amanda let Nick feed her a piece of the mini pancake looking course.

"Hm, not bad, not bad at all," Amanda chirped to Nick's delight. He tried a piece himself and really savored the flavor in his mouth.  
"Yeah these aren't bad," he said. "You should taste my mom's though. She makes the right size too," he winked at her and she smiled as she helped herself to another piece of the newly discovered dish. She wasn't afraid to try new things these days but as a kid she wasn't really treated to anything culinary. Her mom made pasta at the most and to that whatever can was closest to grab in the cabinet. Amanda started to learn simple dishes by herself to keep herself and her sister from going hungry. She learnt to handle the oven and stove by burning herself and the food multiple times. The microwave was a God sent once they got one. Today she enjoyed cooking though even if she would never claim to be good at it. Fin liked her cooking but the man was basically a human waste disposal, he'd eat anything put in front of him if he just was hungry enough. Fay was a good critic but she had refused Amanda's food at times.

Their food did arrive only minutes later and the next dish didn't disappoint either. Nick let Amanda have a taste at his bass by feeding her a fork and she gave him a taste of her salmon. They laughed at it and how cheesy they were acting, unaware that people in the restaurant were watching them and fully buying into them as lovers. Another one that was listening and thinking they got along a little too well tonight was Fin. He was still in the bus with Olivia and the technician and just waiting for them to leave the restaurant so he could get out of this claustrophobic bus. Liv could tell he was getting restless and told him to take a walk past the restaurant and have a look. Told him to keep a look out for anyone suspicious.

He regretted leaving the bus though as soon as he walked past the restaurant and spotted the two in the window. The candle catching Amanda's face making her skin glow and her hair shine. She looked awesome. And she looked as she was having fun, laughing at a joke Nick just made. A lame joke in Fin's opinion. He would never have laughed at that and neither would the Amanda he knew. He tried to focus on scanning the street, blocking out the voice of Nick trying to impress Amanda. He couldn't spot anyone suspicious and soon headed back to the bus. He took his hoodie off and changed into his regular jacket and put a cap on his head so he'd be ready to follow them after they left the restaurant. He took a seat next to Liv again and just waited.

"Guess who he blamed?" Nick asked and Amanda shook her head.  
"Who?" she asked very intrigued by Nick's college story.  
"Or I should say what. The school mascot."  
"The octopus? Get out, and they bought it?" Amanda asked.  
"Yupp," Nick said and smiled as Amanda laughed a little too loud and fell back into her chair.

"My Goodness," she whispered as she sat back up and put her fork in her food to have another bite.  
"But I bet you never got caught in such an awkward predicament?" Amanda shot him a cheeky smile.  
"Me? Never," he said and tried to look cheeky too but didn't do it as well as Amanda he imagined. He took another bite and scanned the street a little. He found himself forgetting from time to time why they were there. It had been a while since they had physical contact and Nick found his hand wander over to her side of the table. She wasn't slow to respond and their fingers entwined again. Nick shot her a smile as she took another bite of her food.

"How about you? Got any gory college stories to share?" he asked and was genuinely interested. They couldn't discuss work in case someone was listening in so, so far they'd discussed Nick's mom's cooking, how his mom still tried to adapt to the American culture and a story from Nick's college days. It was time for her to share something he figured.

"Nah, I mostly played softball and had my head in the books," she said and he thought he saw a hint of blush on her cheeks.  
"Oh common you must have something?" he smiled. She took a breath and checked the street a little before her eyes came back to meet his.  
"I was there on a scholarship, I got away from…," she left whatever she was thinking of saying unsaid and continued, "there was no way in hell I would risk anything to lose that dorm room."

She broke away from his gaze but looked back as he squeezed her hand a little. He gave her a warm smile and was awarded one back. He let go of her hand and before he really knew what he was doing he'd reached out and touched her cheek. She turned her head a little so she fell into his palm. It was a very intimate gesture and response and they both held it until it became awkward. He pulled his hand back slowly, caressing her skin with his fingers as he left and having the time to reflect how soft her skin felt underneath his fingertips.

"I need the can," she said abruptly but he still managed to get up before her and pulled out her chair like a gentleman. His hand brushed her arm before she departure and he kissed the side of her head so he could whisper 'just watch your back' to make sure she did. He sat back down and watched her pass through the restaurant as he took a small zip from his wine. It was a really good wine and he wouldn't have mind being able to empty the bottle. Especially not with this great food and the good company he had. He tried to get his mind back at the reason they were here in the first place and he scanned the restaurant to see if anyone was watching them. The restaurant was almost full but everyone seemed occupied with their dinner date and the two single eaters had their eyes on either their phone or a book by the side of the plate.

He went on to check the street but couldn't find anyone suspicious out there. He looked over towards the bathroom but still didn't see Amanda. He brought his napkin up to his mouth to cover when he asked whoever was listening if they had tabs on her. He soon heard Liv and she told him that Amanda was fine and on her way back out.

In the bus Fin sighed at Nick's concern about Amanda. 'You should have just gone with her if you that concern' he thought to himself but straighten up in his chair once Liv gave him a look. He feared he'd said it out loud but Liv turned her attention back to the control panel again. She checked in with the detectives out on the street. Nothing suspicious going on. She had really hoped they would have picked up something by now but at least no assaults had been reported in the neighborhood. Perhaps the perps had just taken a day or a weekend off?

Once Amanda was back at the table she put her fork and knife together as to signal she was done with her food.  
"Had enough?" Nick asked with a smile and Amanda nodded.  
"You want more wine?" he asked and she looked to her glass as she thought.  
"Yeah," she finally settled with thinking she could handle some more wine. He refilled her glass and then his own. They clinked their glasses and then had a zip. The waiter soon came over to take their plates and took the opportunity to ask if they wanted dessert.

"I have that planned for somewhere else," Nick said with a grin and a wink towards Amanda to try and fool the waiter. They wanted to get back out onto the streets soon.  
"Of course sir," the waiter said, "just let me know when you like to pay." Nick knew he had full tabs on just how much the wine bottle still held. They stayed put a while, nothing much were said but their hands connected.

"Maybe we should get going?" Amanda finally said as she felt a bit eager to get out of there. Nick nodded and got the waiter's attention. He used the bills Liv had handed him earlier and made sure to take the receipt. Amanda put her cardigan over her arm and grabbed her purse. Nick put his hand on her lower back and guided them out of there as Amanda shot a thank you towards the waiter who smiled back.

Just as they got out a cold breeze blew by and Amanda shivered slightly.  
"You cold?" he asked but she shook her head and he watched as the street light caught her hair and made it lit up.  
"No, just a breeze," she smiled back.  
"Where to?" she asked and let him decide. Nick spotted one of the detectives down one way and chose the opposite way. He put his arm around her shoulders and they started to walk down the street.

"Food was good right?" he said after they'd walked a few blocks without spotting anything.  
"Yeah it was, especially the bacalaitos," she said with a smile. He corrected her pronouncement accompanied with a squeeze around her shoulder to let her know it was just cute the way she said it.

"I just never had an ear for language," she said a bit embarrassed, "my daughter speaks Inuit though." He gave her a look and then a chuckle.  
"Really?"  
"Really. Well just a few words for snow but they're clearer than her English thus far," Amanda over pronounced 'thus far' to sound cultivated and it made Nick chuckle again. They walked another few blocks small talking about languages and Nick shared another funny story about a time his mom's bad English landed her in a bit of hassle. Amanda didn't get to hear the punch line to it though as Liv's voice came in their headpieces.

"Sorry to break you up but you might have picked up a prowler." Neither Nick nor Amanda made any sudden moves and just kept walking down the street. Amanda did find Nick's grip around her shoulder tense up a bit though, in a protective manner. They reached a small shop and stopped to look inside its window so they at the same time could get a glimpse on whoever was behind them. They saw a man with a hood pulled up over his head a little further down the street. He kept walking towards them a few steps but then seemed to stop to have a look at his phone. There could be something shady about him. Nick moved a little into Amanda so it looked as though he whispered something to her but it was just to cover up his actual plans.

"We'll stop by the next alley and see if he makes a move," he let Liv knew.  
"Just be careful with alleys," Liv warned. Nick pulled Amanda with him and both kept big eyes on the alley in front of them. When they didn't spot anyone in there Nick pulled Amanda with him to the wall. Her back landed to the wall and he stepped into her as though he was about to kiss her. Her hands landed on his chest as one of his landed around her midsection and the other one against the cold brick wall beside her body.

"Tap my chest once he's behind us," he said right next to her. Cheeks so close they touched. He could feel her breath by his ear and all he could see, and smell, was her hair. She felt his chest rise and fall underneath her palms and she kept an eye on the pavement beside them. The hooded man came slowly towards them and when he was only two steps from them Amanda tapped his chest with her finger. Nick immediately spun around and was anticipating to fend off a blow to his body. But the hooded man just jumped back and seemed very spooked.

"Sorry man, you startled me," Nick smiled once he realized this wasn't one of the perps.  
"I startled you?" the black man asked as he swiped his hood off his clean cut head.  
"I'm sorry," Nick said again but the man just grunted and kept walking. Nick turned to Amanda with his hands out. She gave him a cheeky smile and then took a deep breath to get rid of some adrenalin that had just rushed through her body.

"Well that was fun," Fin sighed back in the bus and he got another look from Liv. What was his problem? she thought to herself and then called Derek, one of the other detectives, back to swop places with Fin. She needed to get rid of his restless being in the bus she felt and either way it was time to make a swap. Fin liked the idea, he had enough of hearing Nick breathing too close to Amanda's ear anyway.

Nick meanwhile extended his hand towards her and pulled her off the wall as soon as she grabbed it.  
"Hey, why don't you head over to the coffee place and sit down for a bit?" Liv suggested and Nick shot Amanda a look to make sure she liked the idea too.  
"Will do," Nick said without trying to move his mouth too much. They kept walking hand in hand the few blocks over to the designated coffee bar making sure to scan the streets and alleys as they went. The coffee bar had a large window area that made it easy for outsiders to see who was in there and what they were doing. There was two men ahead of them in line but Amanda stayed by Nick's side instead of taking a table so they could hold on to each other like she figured a couple in love would do. When it was their turn Amanda still hadn't made up her mind on what to get. They had loads of different types of coffees and brands. She loved coffee as much as iced tea and loved mixing it up.

Nick smiled at her excitement over all the different kinds and as she gave the guy behind the counter a compliment on everything up there.  
"Okay, I'm done, I know what I want. Can I get a café hazel bombón but with just a little bit more coffee than milk?" Her smile grew wider as the guy nodded. The guy couldn't stop smiling either and Nick caught him checking her out later once he came over with their drinks.  
"I'll have a plain coffee," Nick said and handed some bills over to the guy. Amanda gave him a look.  
"What?" he asked. She kept looking at him and he couldn't help but chuckle.  
"You've got all of that," she gestured towards the menu that took up the entire wall behind the counter, "and you go with a plain?"  
"Well I happen to like plain," he said still smiling and took the change back from the counter guy. He dropped some of it in the cup that said 'tip' on the counter.  
"Live a little Nick," she said but gave him a look that told him she was mostly kidding before she turned to get a table. He shot the guy a look and then headed her way. Again they sat by the window to attract eyes and before their drinks came over Nick had the time to get Amanda to tell him her favorite coffee experiences. She had a few from New York and one or two from Atlanta. It was fun to listen to her talk about something that excited her, even if it was _just_ coffee.

She got him to laugh again a little later as she took the first zip of her bombón and let out a sound that took his imagination to dirty places. Nick caught the counter guy looking over with probably the same thought in his mind. There was a little When Harry met Sally over the situation and Nick enjoyed it.

"It's so good," she let the counter guy know like he didn't already.  
"He already heard it," Nick said and chuckled. Amanda shook her head a little and pulled a few strands of her curly hair behind her ear to try and cover up her cheeks turning a bit redder.  
"I have to stop doing that, Fay's picking it up and she's continuously doing it with milk and everything," Amanda admitted.  
"It's nothing wrong with it. It's cute. Her doing it. And you," he said and made her cheeks turn even redder. He watched her with a smile as his mind wandered a bit.

He was so curious about Fay and who her dad was. Nick had never really seen her with anyone. Like with _with_. He thought he picked up something there when her old captain came to visit many years ago but once her whole Atlanta PD ordeal unraveled he felt bad for even thinking she would ever get with her own captain. And then it was Fin. Surely at some point they at least have had to crossed a line or two, they were so in sync. Almost made for each other really. But Fin couldn't be Fay's father right? I mean how could you keep something like that a secret? He'd seen that Rick or Ricky guy around a bit. Nick thought it was a friend of Fin but he'd seen Rick hug Amanda at times. He'd been around when they moved Amanda's stuff the other year and Nick had seen him at the bar from time to time always talking to either Fin or Amanda. Judging by Fay's complexion he could be the father.

"How's Fay doing by the way?" he asked to get his mind off what was none of his business. Amanda's face immediately lit up.  
"She's doing well, really well," Amanda let him know.  
"That's great. It was really scary what happen there back in November," Nick said and Amanda's smile dropped a little as she nodded.  
"Yeah, really scary," she just echoed and then took a zip of her coffee.  
"Kids seem to have an uncanny talent to jump back quickly though thankfully," Nick said after a bit of silence. He didn't want to bring her down but still was curious about Fay. Amanda nodded.

"So she's three right now right?" he asked and again she nodded. She scanned the street quickly and then put her hand on the table, palm up. He got the sign and put his hand in hers as he leaned forward. He wasn't sure if this meant she wanted to get off topic or if it was just to keep up appearance.  
"Three going on thirteen everyone keeps saying. Is that true?" she suddenly said though and gave him a look as though he'd know. He chuckled.  
"Not just yet I think. You have a few more years to enjoy. Zara's ten and that's more going on thirteen in my experience," he smiled.  
"That bad eh?" she asked as she held her cup to her bottom lip.  
"No, not really. She's a good kid. Three was a fun age though. Growing independent and all, still making all those humongous leap forwards in their developments," he reminisced.

"The terrible twos were over but if I recall right it was about four when she went through this phase where she wouldn't share anything with anyone. And she collected things. Wouldn't let me or Maria throw away anything. Not even dolls with missing heads," he chuckled at the memory of Zara falling asleep with a headless doll in her arms and still tears on her cheeks from the tantrum she'd just had when Maria tried to throw that doll away.

"No way," Amanda said, "Fay is such a hoarder right now." Nick chuckled at her use of hoarder to describe her own daughter.  
"Yeah?"  
"Yeah! Thankfully she shares stuff at school and all but at home. Geesh."  
"Don't worry, it will pass," he calmed her with.  
"You mean it eases? I thought hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away anything, ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican drug lord," Amanda said and Nick almost chocked on his own coffee as he started laughing out loud. Nick's laugh made Amanda start laughing too and their fingers entwined meanwhile.

Fin was listening in out on the street and let out a grunt. As he saw them laughing in the bright light of the coffee shop though he had to look away as he felt a thug in his gut. He didn't like this feeling.

"Can we like start doing what we came here for so we can get off the streets by the morning at least?" Fin asked into his microphone knowing it would only be the ones in the bus that would hear him.

"What's your problem?" Liv thought where she sat back in the buss but knew better than to say it out loud. Fin was so impatient which was rare, he was usually the laid back one with Amanda jumping at anything and everything. She thought about telling him they were doing what they came here for, using Nick and Amanda as bait, but she figured it was just better to ignore him.

Once they were done with their coffee Nick used the bathroom and then they headed back out. Nick caught the counter guy again checking out Amanda as they left and Nick closed the door behind them. He'd talked to Amanda while Nick was in the bathroom and as they got outside Nick put his hand to his mouth and told Liv that they might want to check the guy out. He fit the vague description.

"He paid Amanda a lot of attention," he let Liv knew.  
"Do you blame him?" Liv answered without thinking and hoped she hadn't crossed a line. Foremost with Amanda. Amanda shot Nick a smile though as she heard Liv through her ear-piece. He kept her eyes with his as he got back to Liv.  
"No but still," he simply said and then lowered his hand so he could grab a hold of Amanda's. She just shook her head with a smile and that annoying blush on her cheeks back.

They walked around for another three hours, only briefly sitting down on a park bench at one point and then at another time Nick lifted her up on a higher stone wall and rested by leaning into her with her legs on either side of his body. It was just one of several moments during the night that got him a bit hot and bothered. He wasn't sure if he'd ever had such an enjoyable time during an undercover operation.

At midnight Liv finally decided it was time to call it quits. All the assaults had been between seven and eleven pm. They'd never attacked any of the party people and Liv hoped it would stay that way. She called Nick and Amanda and the rest of the detectives back to the bus. Thankfully there were no reported assaults that fitted their criteria that night. Perhaps they'd just taken the night or weekend off but Liv still decided they would give it a try the next night too. And that they would stick with East Harlem seeing how most assaults took place there.

What they didn't know was that five men wearing hoodies with their hoods down and bandanas in their back pockets had searched the streets in Inwood that night looking for Hispanic men with blonde bombshells by their sides. The frequent drive-bys by police cars made them miss the only two opportunities they got though. One of the men was angrier than the rest as they headed back home to their own borough around ten pm. "We'll head back to East Harlem tomorrow," he let the rest know before they all shattered.

**When Nick and Amanda came back** to the bus Fin had already taken off. Amanda had planned to offer him a ride home since she knew he didn't have a car with him, and perhaps she might have stayed the night seeing how Fay wasn't waiting at home. But she figured he might be as tired as her and figured she'd see him tomorrow as they met Ken, Alejandro and Fay for lunch. They'd made the date earlier today. Amanda figured Ken and Alejandro would just be happy they would get to keep Fay another night and Amanda hoped Fay would be okay with it too.

Both Liv and Nick made sure Amanda got to her car properly after Liv had helped her get her wire off. Amanda had insisted she could get to her car without a chaperone but they still followed her. Liv knew that undercover and decoy work could attract weirdos and she wanted to make sure Amanda got out of there okay. Amanda waved at them as she drove off. On the way home she thought about the motif for these perpetrators they were after. Just like the profiler she'd immediately thought this was Caucasians. And probably not just young punks that were after a thrill. No these guys targeted Hispanic men first and foremost.

In the beginning the women had been left with just a single punch in the gut or held down with a knee or foot if they just didn't fight back. Then the women had gotten a bigger part as the perps started groping them, making them out to be sluts for letting 'that sort' touch her. And then two weekends ago it had gone from 'just' groping with hands to one of the men penetrating one of the women, he didn't have time to ejaculate though but they'd gotten a hair from the man as the woman's pubic hair was combed. They had his DNA for the time when they could finally arrest these bastards. This last weekend a woman had a bottle that one of the men found in the alley inserted between her legs. Amanda shivered slightly at the thought and pulled up her car window to keep the cold breeze outside.

She'd never got racism. Okay she got how it worked and that people hated each other simply cause the color of their skin. She got hate, she'd hated people and circumstances but just because the color of someone's skin? She did not get that. She'd met assholes from every culture, it came from the inside – the bullshit. The color of your skin didn't determine how much bullshit you had on the inside.

But she did come from Georgia and she knew there was plenty of racism in her home state. Growing up in Loganville she'd been blissfully unaware for a number of years. If she recalled right in her hometown, with a population less than 10,000 people, the demographic had been more than 80 % whites. Today it was down to about 70 % but still not good enough. The town was segregated for sure. She'd gone to an all white elementary school where the adopted Russian boy in the grade above her stood out most. And he was white as a sheet from what she could recall. With only two public high schools in town though she'd seen racism up front. And she'd done nothing about it which she thought of as being a part of the problem.

Atlanta wasn't any better. Profiling certainly existed in the police department. Probably everywhere though and in New York too. But it was talked about more in New York even if she'd seen more of it with her own eyes in Atlanta. Talking about the problem was a good thing though. In a city, Loganville, where the motto is _Where people matter_ they should probably approach the matter of racism a little harder so they could brag about something else than that they got a TJ Maxx twenty years ago.

During her younger years she hadn't seen much of any racism though. Her mom scolded and trash talked everyone, not specifically black people but Amanda had heard her use 'negro' form time to time which Amanda believed was a slur and not a word you should use.

One of her dad's drinking buddies had been African American. Lewis. She remembered him, she'd liked him. He wasn't a mean drunk like the rest of 'em. He'd taught her the 'High five, to the side, the other side, down low, too slow' rhyme or game or whatever it was called. Being drunk though he'd only caught her being too slow a few times before she caught up and hit him every time. It had only made him laugh out loud though, showing of that missing tooth of his. He'd died. Alcohol killed him. She remembered it well since it was that week's topic when her mom yelled at her dad. She usually blocked it out but for some reason this one stuck with her and she could still hear her mom's voice saying it; "It will kill you just like that negro friend of yours. I'll come home, or one of the girls, and you'll be here dead. Choked on your own vomit."

Amanda hadn't known until then that alcohol could kill you and certainly not that vomit could. It was in a way good to know but it had made her freak out every time she heard her dad throw up which was rather often. She was six years old.

Again Amanda shivered and she checked the temperature in the car as she tried to get back to business. These assaults. They needed to stop them, and yesterday. Well hopefully tomorrow Amanda thought as she drove down her parking garage and she suddenly felt very sleepy. She couldn't wait to get straight to bed and it felt kinda good Fay wasn't at home. She couldn't wait to see her at lunch tomorrow though.

**The following day** Amanda took the subway over to Ken and Alejandro's part of the city. She'd slept too long she didn't have time for a run and she figured at least this way she'd get some distance in her legs. She needed to be back in East Harlem by 5:30 so she figured she would have plenty of time to go back home after lunch and get ready for tonight's operation. Amanda got to the restaurant Ken had picked out first of everyone. It didn't take long until she saw Ken and Alejandro walking in though, Fay on Alejandro's arm sporting a new cute hoodie with zebra print and ears on her hood. They always got Fay the cutest clothes. And she loved being on Alej's arm. As soon as she saw her mom though she wiggled her feet to get put down and came rushing over and jumped in her mom's arms.

With Fay still around her neck she got up to greet the grown-ups and she got a kiss on the cheek from Ken and then Alejandro. She pointed at Fay's new hoodie with a smile. Alejandro gave her a mischievous smile and winked with his gorgeous eyelashes as he usually did to get out of trouble.

"Hey precious, how was the sleep-over at Ken's and Alej's?" Amanda asked once she was seated again and Fay finally let her go so she could look her in the eyes.  
"Good," Fay said simply and got up to stand on her legs so she could reach her mom's ponytail. Of course she had spotted her hair was curly. So had Alejandro.

"Your hair is gorgeous like that," he let her know as they got situated next to her.  
"Thanks, it's for the undercover operation though," Amanda said and tried to brush it off a little.  
"God that sounds so exciting," Alejandro chirped, "what are you? A hooker or something?" Ken let out a loud chuckle and Amanda smiled as she shot him a look.  
"Oh God I'm sorry, I did not mean you look like a hooker or anything, my head just wandered," Alejandro said and put a hand on her arm.  
"Don't worry about it," Amanda smiled, "I've been there too but yesterday I was just dolled up." Fay lost interest in her hair as Ken had started laughing and climbed down only to climb up on the chair next to Amanda that Ken had left open for her. Ken touched Fay's cheek endearing as she sat down properly.

"She's been good?" Amanda asked.  
"The best, right Fay?" Alejandro said and got a nod from Fay.  
"Everything's been really good, she asked about you last night but she fell asleep just fine," Ken let her know and it made her happy to hear.  
"Well do you mind doing it all over for another night? We have to go out tonight as well," Amanda made a sorry face but Ken and Alejandro looked quite the opposite.  
"We would love to, Al was actually saying how much he wanted to check out that children's museum you talked about and it would be less suspicious if Fay tagged along for that," Ken gave her a wink and Al looked overjoyed.

"So sweetheart, is that okay with you?" Amanda asked and got Fay to look at her. "Mama has to work tonight so you'll sleep at Ken's and Alej's another night?" Fay just looked at her a little confused. She gave Al a quick look and then turned to Ken. She made her eyebrows go that way Ken had seen his dad do so many times before and it always made him smile when he saw it on the little girl.

"Pajama party," Fay then said suddenly and it made Ken chuckle again.  
"Yes, we'll have another night of pajama party," Ken said and again had to touch her cheek. Fay gave her mom a smile and then puckered her lips like she did when she wanted a kiss but not before she said;

"Miss you."  
"Well I'm not going just yet my dear," Amanda smiled and placed her lips on her daughter's, "we'll have lunch and we're going to the park afterwards remember?"  
"I remember," Fay said but had already moved on to explore what was on the table. A waiter came up to them and asked if he could get them anything to drink as he placed some crayons and a piece of paper in front of Fay, she immediately lost interest in anything else on the table. The grown-ups looked at each other and then Ken checked his watch. Fin was late but that was usual.

"Well I guess we can get drinks at least?" he said to the others and then turned to the waiter, "we're waiting for a fifth person but we'll do drinks. What do you want Fay Fay?" They ordered drinks and then Amanda turned her attention to her daughter and told her what a beautiful hoodie she had and asked if it was a gift from uncle Ken and Alejandro. Fay nodded at the same time as she tried to move a blue crayon with her left hand simultaneous with a red one in her right. It wasn't working that good but she looked darn cute trying to.

"I saw it and I just had to buy it for her, it was the last one they had and it was just her size so it was destiny I tell you," Alejandro chirped. Amanda had noticed Ken lip-adding to 'it was destiny' and she smiled as she figured it wasn't the first time he'd heard it. Oh how she loved these two men and they were such a cute couple.

They kept small-talking a bit, got their drinks and by twenty past Ken checked his phone again.  
"Why can't he ever be on time?" he complained. Ken wouldn't have a problem if it was just the grown-ups but there was a three year old present and it wasn't fair to her to keep her grounded on a chair for too long.  
"I'll try calling him, see where he's at," Ken said and brought his phone up to his ear. It kept ringing until it finally went to voice mail. Ken left a short message that let Fin know they were waiting for him at the restaurant and then hung up.

"Did it run late last night?" Ken asked Amanda. She shrugged her shoulders.  
"She's here though," Alejandro said since he found it rude Fin being late to their lunch date and it wasn't the first time either.

"Okay, let's just order, he'll catch up when he gets here," Ken said and reached for the menus. He handed them out and Amanda tried to get Fay to look at some of the dishes on the menu. She found a drawn fish in the swirly pattern on the side of the menu though and made a happy sound as she pointed on it. She found another one and then another and Amanda had some trouble reading the menu with Fay's arm in the way but she managed having been through it before. Amanda got a chicken salad for herself and a pasta dish for Fay. Alejandro ordered a salad too while Ken went for a warm sandwich.

The food had time to arrive before Ken finally got a sign that his dad was alive. He got a text that simply said he wasn't going to make it. They left it at that not wanting it to spoil their lunch. The food was really good and as normal Fay wanted to share her food. This time though Amanda got a pass as Ken was nearby too and Fay chuckled as she put her fork in Ken's mouth and he made a delightful sound. She was such a little charmer.

**A little later** they were all at the park. Amanda came back over to the bench were Ken was sitting, having left her daughter in the safe hands of Alejandro as she climbed up the play set. Amanda heard Fay scream something that sounded like 'Mama' and 'Ken' and right before she sat down she turned and saw her daughter wave at her from the very top of the play set. She waved back and so did Ken. She had a seat about an arm's length from him and shot him a smile.

"I can't believe how much she's growing and evolving," Ken said as he looked back over at Fay.  
"I know," Amanda said with her eyes also back on Fay.  
"And her speech, it's coming a long great," Ken said and out of the corner of his eye he saw her nod.

"Thanks for warning me about chips though," Ken chuckled and met Amanda's eyes.  
"We had it for dinner last night and Al almost put his milk in the wrong pipe when she said it. It was funny," Ken said and kept chuckling as he recalled Al's face.  
"Yeah it cracks your dad up also," Amanda let him know and then turned her head back to her daughter who now went down a slide only to speed back up the play set again with Al right behind her.

"If you don't mind me asking, how are things going with you two or you three really?" Ken asked and hoped he wouldn't offend her by bringing it up. He felt as though he could talk to her about almost anything but this subject he'd never touched on. She was taken a back a little by the question but she loved Ken and knew it was out of concern he asked.

"Things are," she started but lost track as she met his eyes and realized she didn't know the answer to that question.  
"I don't know really," she finally admitted. Ken nodded.

"I can't believe he didn't show up today, who'd want to miss spending time with that little bundle of joy?" he said and they both shot Fay a look where she was over at the swings now.  
"He does spend time with her though, he's around quite a lot," she said to Fin's defense. Ken gave her a serious stare though that she had to look away from finally as it felt as though he pierced right through her, just like his dad did at times.  
"But he's still not officially her dad right?" Ken asked and after a bit of hesitation Amanda could only shake her head a little. Ken sighed.

"So I knew he was my dad but he was never around. Fay has him around but doesn't know he's her dad. Honestly I'm not sure what deal sucks more," Ken grunted. Amanda thought about what he just said.  
"What happens when she starts asking about her dad? I mean she's speeding up with her talking, loads of questions in that little body already, it will probably start sooner than you think. Then what will you say?" he asked and it was just the questions that troubled Amanda when she thought too much. Ken's arm landed on the rim of the bench, his fingers just reaching her shoulder. Amanda shot him a look and hoped he couldn't see the tears in her eyes as she just shrugged her shoulders.

"You never talk about it?" he asked and she shook her head. Ken sighed.  
"He's such a coward when it comes to serious talk, he's always been."  
"He's not the only one to blame in this situation though," Amanda jumped in as she felt she was just as big of a coward in that department. She couldn't handle holding his gaze and looked over at her daughter up on that swing. Alejandro was pushing her and Amanda could tell Fay wanted to go higher but he was afraid something would happen if she went any higher. She felt Ken squeeze her shoulder gently and she looked back over at him.

"I'm here for you, you know that right? For Fay but also for you if you need anything. Fay connects us, not my dad. Just know that. I love the two of you," Ken said and Amanda felt her eyes tear up. She couldn't believe how honest he was and without showing any weakness on his face. She wished she had that in her too. Ken could see he made her emotional.

"And that big goof loves the two of you as well," he said to light things up and pointed towards Alejandro who was making funny faces at Fay every time her face popped up behind the swing. Amanda chuckled a little. Before the moment was lost though she caught Ken's hand on her shoulder and held it hard for a while.  
"Thank you Ken," she said and gave him a serious look. Ken just nodded and gave her a smile.

**As she made her way back home** a while later she thought about how different Fin and Ken were as people. She could see some physical resemblance but father and son had such different personalities. She'd already figured out though that Ken took much from his mom and Amanda would get another experience of that the following week as Teresa out of the blue called her up and asked if she liked to come over for dinner one night. Just her and Fay, no Fin, Teresa made clear. Amanda accepted before she could think it over properly which was probably a good thing since she might have chicken out otherwise.

Amanda figured Ken had told his mom something about the playground and the talk they had there and that Teresa would probe. But she didn't. She'd just made a delightful dinner for the three of them and then they'd headed over to Teresa's neighbor who just happened to be a hairdresser used to working with afros. She'd made small braids in some of Fay's hair that now finally had gotten long enough so it weight itself down a little. Teresa had earlier taught Amanda to handle Fay's hair but Amanda had never mastered the art of those tiny braids. Fay was so good, sitting still almost the entire time and was happy with the purple beads she'd chosen herself for the tips of the braids. After Amanda made sure the neighbor didn't want any money for the work she'd done they headed back to Teresa's place.

They had coffee and then Teresa had told Amanda almost the same as Ken had told her at the playground. That she was there for her no matter what Fin did or didn't do. Amanda felt blessed. She'd figured she had these three people in her life but now they'd all made it clear for her. No reason to doubt and that felt good. Why couldn't that be the case with Fin?

**But now it was still Saturday** and Amanda got herself dolled up for yet another date night with Nick. It had been fun last night, both the work part and the chance to sorta play date. She hadn't dated for a long time and it felt odd but also… exciting. She'd chosen a one shoulder dress for tonight, in deep purple. It wasn't hers but as she watched herself in the mirror she sorta wished it was. She felt comfortable in it but also a bit sexy. Her hair still had some curls from yesterday and she pinned it up with some hair clips she'd found in the bottom of her toilet bag. She put her regular shoes on and grabbed the high heels in her hand and headed down stairs to get her car.

She got to the sight early and to her surprise she spotted Fin sitting on the hood of another car on the empty lot where they had their surveillance bus hidden. She parked, got out and walked over to him.

"Hi stranger," she said, still feeling refreshed from the lunch and playground visit with Ken, Alejandro and Fay. When he looked up he eyed her a little too long behind his sunglasses without changing his face and she got a strange feeling in her gut.

"All dolled up for another night turning tricks I see," he said and she didn't like his tone of voice. She chose to ignore him as she put her high heels on the hood next to him so she could found whatever it was that was irritating a spot on her shoulder blade.

"Where were you today at lunch?" she asked once she couldn't find anything where the itch had been.  
"Maybe I was on a date," he said without looking at her.

"What's your problem Fin?" she said having enough of his childish behavior. He gave her a look with those stupid sunglasses still on even though it was getting dark. He quickly turned away though as Liv peaked out of the bus.

"Great you're here. Want me to hook you up?" she asked and Amanda nodded.  
"Give me a sec?" she asked and Liv nodded before she disappeared inside the back of the bus again. Amanda turned her eyes back at Fin. She waited for him to say something.

"Why didn't I know that thing about Fay and her crayons?" he suddenly asked and Amanda didn't get what he meant at first. She was about to ask 'what?' when she realized he must be talking about what she'd shared with Nick last night.

"Well, you're not there 24 hours a day Fin," she said.  
"You could have told me," he said without looking her way.

"Well I'm sorry but it didn't cross my mind. I mean new things happen every day. She's growing constantly. You see her, what, like twice a week. I'm with her every day, every night. And frankly when I see you alone you're not really keen on discussing her so I don't think it's fair you blame me for that." It looked as though he listen to her but she couldn't really tell as he still wasn't looking straight at her.

"I want to know stuff like that," he said. He didn't sound sad or anything though, he still had an accusation in his voice and it rubbed her the wrong way.

"Well then man up Fin," she said and he finally turned his head towards her, "or at least grow up." She grabbed her shoes and headed for the bus. She wasn't sure if she'd been fair to him but with the Ken talk still fresh in mind and her debating her relationship with Fin inside her head for months it had all just boiled over. What she'd said was the truth. She needed him to man up. She wanted him to man up. But with the way he behaved just now she feared that would never happen.

**XXX**

**Hope you liked it, part 2 will be up in a day or two.**


	28. Risky Operation part 2

It wasn't the best way to start the night but she managed to shake it off quickly. Liv gave her yet another compliment about her dress and Nick's entrance made her feel even better. He stepped in a little later with a light green shirt underneath his jacket and tucked into his sharp black slacks. He'd chosen the shirt with yesterday's dress in mind which made him feel stupid now but it did go well with her deep purple dress as well. He wasn't sure what he felt about her bare shoulder though, he feared it would draw his attention the entire night as he had a hard time looking anywhere else right now. Her hair was if possible even prettier tonight and her make-up was beautifully done just as yesterday. Tonight no dress color or make-up was playing tricks on her eyes though and those blue eyes of hers were magnificent. He couldn't wait to get going.

They'd made reservations for another restaurant tonight but started with circling the block by foot first. He held her hand the entire time and at times they stopped to look inside a store window or something else on the street and he took the opportunity to touch her bare shoulder, swipe her hair behind her ear or something else that let him touch her. It all felt very familiar even if they'd only done this the previous night and Amanda seemed more relaxed tonight for some reason. The detectives following them spotted two suspicious males though that seemed to be following them, taking turns. They were white Caucasian, in their thirties, with the average body size just as the witness had stated. No hoodies turned up though and no bandanas anywhere to be found. They did however seem to be watching Nick and Amanda from a far which made the detectives having to fall even further back. They made no attempts though and Liv told them to head towards the restaurant.

They got a table by the window tonight as well. Both suspicious characters walked on though, Liv had the detectives follow them but it turned out to be futile and she called them back. Meanwhile Nick and Amanda had ordered. This was yet another restaurant with a Spanish menu but Nick was happy to help out. They both got different types of pasta dishes and they settled on a red wine for the night. Once the threat outside had been cleared they could relax a bit and the conversation started to run as smoothly as yesterday. Tonight though he got her to talk at least a little about her college years and her softball career. It seemed she'd been on the Georgia state team and everything so he knew she had to have been good.

Nick had played a variation of sports and Amanda was interested in hearing about it. He thought it was a little to get off the topic of herself though, she'd always seemed a little reserved to him. A bit secretive which made her, at least in his eyes, even more attractive. All through dinner they touched each other's hands or arm, entwined their fingers and when he visited the bathroom he planted a slight kiss on top of her hair. It just felt like something he would do if he really was in love with her.

Again Nick used the same excuse as yesterday when the waiter asked if they wanted dessert and they got back out onto the streets. No one seemed to have been watching them through the dinner but Liv made sure everyone stayed alert. She told them to walk towards the park and Nick steered them that way. A car with happy young folks heading out for a night at the town drove by and made sounds at them, probably more directed at Amanda and when she gave them a wave she earned some extra shout-outs. Nick laughed and brought her down onto the street so they could cross it by snaking his arms around her waist. They hustled across since another car came rolling towards them and they ended up all giggly on the opposite curb. Neither really knew why they felt so liberated all of a sudden.

Fin didn't get it either. He was watching them from a far. Had it been yesterday he would probably have sighed but today he felt bad. He'd heard Amanda, really heard her and even though he didn't want to he thought she had a valid point. He was acting like a big baby and he didn't like it but wasn't able to shake it. Why did he have such a problem with this operation? She'd been undercover before. He'd seen her flirt to get information, sweet-talk the most obnoxious people and get slapped in the ass by no other than Cassidy. Nothing had ever made him feel like he did right now. He felt like a bum.

Nick had grabbed Amanda's hand meanwhile and they were further down the street, coming close to the park that drew many romantic couples during a hot summer's day. It was still too early in the season to draw a large crowd but they were far from alone out on the streets. Nick usually didn't pay much attention to couples, it mostly just reminded him of what he had and lost, but tonight he was very aware of everyone around him. Not just had his eyes on possible suspects and alleys but also couples they met and it didn't go unnoticed to him that they checked him and Amanda out too. They made a lovely couple for sure.

Suddenly a scream was heard and it caught everyone's attention. It sounded like a woman in despair. Liv told someone to check it up but not lose track of Nick and Amanda. Fin was on the street with Dan, another detective. Fin let Dan know the sound came from somewhere behind them and that he would stay with Nick and Amanda so he could check it out. Liv told Nick and Amanda to stay on the outskirt of the park and not enter until Dan was back. Dan reported back he'd found a woman knocked down saying someone stole her purse. This was a hard call for Liv to make, getting a patrol car might scare away the perps if they were in the area but it didn't feel right leaving the distressed woman on her own.

Liv didn't have to make a call though when the situation went from bad to worse. Fin had been concentrating on what was being said between Dan and Liv when he turned his head as a car skidded passed the intersection further down. He realized he didn't have Nick and Amanda in his line of sight and he felt a chill go through his body. And then came that sound over the air as Nick and Amanda got jumped and forced into an alley.

The car had made them turn their heads, and as it drove up onto the curb Nick pushed Amanda forward to get her out of the way. They ran but with their heads turned they missed the men that emerged from an alley in front of them. The car stopped and two men jumped out of the car and quickly approached them. Hoodies pulled over their heads and red bandanas covering their nose and mouth. Nick and Amanda both backed up only to get grabbed by three men from behind, they wore the same outfits as the two in the car. Nick got a blow to his head of a brass knuckle right before two men grabbed him. One man grabbed Amanda underestimating her ability to defend herself and she got an elbow to his nose and then a fist to his stomach before the two men from the car came to their friend's aid and the two pulled her further into the alley.

Nick had slumped down by the hard blow to the head that left a gash in his skull that started bleeding. The two men pulled him by his arms in after the others. The man Amanda managed to get a few punches to, came after complaining his nose hurt. Blood came pouring out of it.

Nick received two hard kicks to his gut as the men let him go, he tried to cover his head as one of the men started aiming blows with his fists that way. Meanwhile the other two men struggled to get Amanda down to the ground. She'd already lost both shoes fighting them. The bleeding man stepped in, looking like he wanted revenge. Nick peeked through his own arms and saw the man step in and put his foot right onto Amanda's chest knocking her head to the ground at the same time. Her face crumbled briefly with pain.

"Where's the back-up?" Nick managed to grunt wondering why this hadn't stopped yet. The men heard him say something but not what.  
"What the fuck are you saying man?" one of the guys said and got down on his knee right next to Nick's head.  
"You pleading for mercy mojado"? There's no mercy for wetback fucks that dip their cocks where they don't belong." He had the brass knuckle on and it landed on Nick's arm making him scream out in pain as the bone took the blow and the pain radiated throughout his entire arm.

Nick heard Amanda cry out and when he was able to throw a look past the man with the brass knuckle he saw the bleeding man show his hand up her dress while the other two still struggled to hold her down.  
"We're cops," Nick screamed out hoping it would make them stop. The men closest to him looked at each other with a worried look.  
"We're cops, back-up is on its way, you better run," Nick shouted.

And it was coming. Fin was right behind the corner, gun raised. He was grateful the men had their car otherwise he hadn't known which alley to head towards. Dan wasn't far behind him, he had visual on Fin's back. Liv had jumped into one of the blank cars and they were on their way too but still blocks away. What they didn't know though was that the perpetrators wasn't only equipped with brass knuckles and bats, these days they were packing too. They would learn this as Fin came around the corner with his gun raised, yelling 'police' at the top of his lungs. He'd heard Nick's grunts but foremost Amanda's cries and felt the panic in his chest.

One of the perpetrators that were packing had gotten his gun up and he fired once Fin's way. Thankfully his aim was off but Fin's instinct still made him duck out of the alley again.  
"Grab her," the leader of the pack yelled out making the two trying to hold Amanda down instead lifting her up.  
"Try the door," someone yelled frantic. Nick tried to grab for a leg that passed him and managed to trip him. When he landed though he managed to give Nick a hard kick to his head and for a few seconds he saw bright lights flickering before his eyes.

Unfortunately the alley door was open and one of the guys held it open so the other two could hoist Amanda inside. The man with the gun shot a second bullet out the alley as Dan showed up and tried to make his way inside the alley with Fin by his side. They both ducked but jumped right back as they heard the alley door close shut, the empty brick walls making that sound even louder. Dan reached Nick first and checked on him. Nick was unable to talk but pointed obviously agitated towards the door wanting him to go after Amanda first and foremost. Fin ran past Nick trusting Dan to have Nick as he wanted to go after Amanda.

Dan jumped up after Fin though and they made eye-contact before Fin got the door open only to be presented with an empty staircase.  
"Move," Fin urged as Dan hesitated and Dan got going down the stairs. Nick had trouble focusing his eyes but saw the door close shut behind them. He tried to get up off the ground but fell back down with every new attempt. Finally he just stayed down and he might have passed out for a few seconds.

He jolted back to consciousness as he heard Liv calling his name at the same time as she was shaking his shoulder.  
"Amanda," he mumbled as he managed to get his head up.  
"Where is she?" Liv asked. Once their car reached the alley all they'd seen was Nick's still body further in. Liv had noticed one of Amanda's shoes as she sprinted inside and then the other one. Not far from Nick she spotted her purse. But no Amanda, and Fin and Dan was gone too as were the perpetrators.

"Nick where are they?" Liv asked but as she saw him struggle to sit up she saw the gash in his head and her concern grew he was worse than she initially thought.  
"Maybe you should stay down Nick," she said but at the same time she was missing half her detective team. She heard nothing over the intercom. Neither Dan nor Fin had checked back since the assault started and Amanda's strained breath as she struggled against the perpetrators had been gone for at least a minute.

"Get a bus," Liv turned to one of the detectives behind her, "and back-up." Nick reached out and got a hold of Liv's arm, getting her to turn back to him.  
"Down… there…" he managed to say and pointed towards the door. Liv was about to stand up when he grabbed a good hold on her arm. She got back down.  
"One has a gun, two shots fired," Nick managed to say and Liv nodded.  
"One with me and the other one stays with him," Liv said to the two detectives and headed towards the door Nick had pointed too. The other detective got the door open and they stared down the same staircase that Dan and Fin just a few minutes ago had gone down. And before them five perpetrators, two of them carrying a struggling Amanda.

**Fin and Dan** hadn't called in because the building cut their connection. Once down the stairs they'd stared down a long, straight underground. It was empty though and they heard or saw no signs of the perpetrators. Not knowing what was waiting for them further down they had to move slowly with their guns raised. Slowly right now didn't work well for Fin. As they reached the very end the realized they'd come to a t-cross. They had two ways to go. Fin was about to suggest they'd go one way each when they heard sounds from the left side. Dan nodded and they started moving down towards a heavy looking door. Dan made sure he had Fin behind him before he slowly got the door open. They could still hear a sound but Fin wasn't sure what type of sound it was. They moved passed the door only to be presented with three ways to choose from. Fin swore.

"I think the noise coming from there," Dan whispered and pointed one way. Fin nodded and took the lead. As they got closer they slowed down. The noise was just around the corner. Fin looked back to make sure Dan was right behind and then carefully looked around the corner.  
"Fuck," Fin said as he saw what was making the sound. He stepped into the middle of the hallway and defeated lowered his gun. Some piece of cloth was stuck in a vent and every time wind past through it the cloth hit some of the debris left by the wall.  
"We have no idea where she's at," Fin said out loud. Dan felt cheated too but knew they couldn't give up and he told Fin they had to get back, search every inch of this basement. The moved back out, slowly and still on alert. The perps could be anywhere. They heard a noise down the hall and soon stood gun to gun with Liv and another detective. Liv sighed loudly as the tension left her the moment she realized it was Fin and Dan.

"We lost them," Fin said quickly. Liv couldn't help but show what she felt about learning this. But she contained herself quickly, knowing they had to work quickly.  
"Okay, back-up is on its way. Let's get out, get a floor plan, get the janitor or the house owner, get all the lights on down here. We'll find her," Liv spoke quickly and as soon as she was done she turned and expected them to follow which they did.

Once they got out Nick had managed to get himself up to a sitting position. The detective with him had handed him a napkin to press against his head wound. It wasn't bleeding that much.  
"Do you have her?" he asked as he saw Liv. She shook her head though and he took a quick breathe.  
"We have to go back down," he said and tried to get up.  
"_We_ are but you're going to the hospital," Liv said and held up her hands towards him.  
"No way Liv," Nick protested even though he needed aid to get upright.  
"The bus is on its way," Liv said.  
"And she might need it more than me Liv. I'm not leaving until she does," he said and Liv could tell by his tense tone he wasn't giving in.  
"Okay, but let them at least have a look at that gash. You'll need two hands when you go down there," Liv said and gave him a serious look.

Meanwhile Fin had already ordered Dan to find someone in the house that could get them access to every single space downstairs. Then he told the newly arrived uniforms to find the exits and make sure no one came through them. Liv got a hold of their technician in the bus and asked him to find the floor plan and head over there asap.

It took twenty long minutes with Fin multiple times airing his irritation before they had a floor plan in front of them, a man with a bunch of head keys and enough uniforms to head back down. The basement was literary a mace and Liv gave strict orders she didn't want any cops shooting at each other. Every inch would be searched. They learnt that the basement was shared with the house next door and Liv got uniforms to guard its exits too but she feared they could have slipped through their fingers and in that case she feared Amanda would be hard to find. Either way she knew Amanda was in a very sticky situation and they needed to get to her as soon as possible.

They had a CSI team coming to collect traces from the car but according to the license plate the car was stolen. All Nick could give them was that they were five and it was white males, no question about that. He'd been seen to by one of the paramedics, his gash momentarily plastered with some tape and he would be going to the hospital once they'd found Amanda.

Liv sent half the group to enter from the other building and then led the rest down the staircase again. They were divided into three teams, Liv, Dan and Fin taking one group each. Nick went with Liv since she wanted to be able keep her eye on him. They each had a roll of police tape with them and like the kids in the fairytale they left a piece of tape on every door they cleared. It would take time though. Minutes passed and soon it had been an hour since Nick saw Amanda being hoisted down the stairs.

Then finally a sign. The connection down below was bad but through a raspy line they heard a uniform call in that three men was seen running from the neighboring house. They'd left through the main gate, no hoodies or bandanas, but the uniform had still wanted them to stop so he could check their ID's. This had made them shove him and then run across the street. Uniforms on foot and by car had taken after them as they ran through the park. Liv shouted through the inter-com to not lose them and to not leave exits unguarded since they were still missing two of them. And they were still missing the most important one, Amanda.

Fin had come to the very end of his mapped out route and he headed back up since he wanted to get his hands on at least one of those bastards. He'd make him tell him where Amanda was at. Dan and Liv finished their search and found nothing. As Liv headed back up she got word they caught one of the men and were still in pursuit of one of the others. They'd lost the third one. Liv checked in with the uniforms guarding the doors, no sign of the two missing.

She aired her concern they were hiding somewhere up in the buildings since the three men had left through the main entrance. Nick nodded. This meant they could have more hostages than Amanda at this point. The rage they seemed to harbor against Hispanics made it all more serious too since the building they were at had a high rate of occupants from that part of the world and they feared the violence could turn fatal if they weren't careful.

Meanwhile Fin had been by the curb as a patrol car came back with one of the perps in custody. He was cuffed behind his back when Fin pulled him out only to shove him up against the back of the car. Liv came around the corner as Fin got his fist up against the man's chin and she hurried her steps a little to get there before things possibly escalated.

"Tell me where she is," Fin shouted into his face, anger flaring through his eyes and knuckles pressing into his jaw as his other hand held him hard around his collar. The man tried to smile but he didn't manage to cover up the fear that was also on his face. Of course Fin spotted it and knew he could get him to crack.  
"Fucking tell me where she's at or I'll have you lick your own blood off the pavement in a second," Fin threaten as Liv reached the car. The man's eyes flared her way but then came back on Fin.

"Tell me," Fin hissed and pushed the knuckles even harder up his jaw.  
"I don't know," the man said while trying to keep his face straight and not showing how scared he really was.  
"Fuck that. You three cowards ran. The others? They still have her inside?" Fin asked and the man nodded.  
"Where?" Fin screamed.  
"I don't know, in the tunnels somewhere, we were told to get out," the man said.  
"By who?" Fin asked but the man looked confused.  
"Who told you to get out?" Fin asked and saw the man's lips tighten. He was clearly covering for whoever was in charge of this group of crazy avengers.

"If you want to get out of this mess a little smoother you better tell us," Liv said and gave him a serious look. The man looked her over and his face changed as he did.  
"Screw you puta," he said and Fin immediately pushed him harder up against the car. The man grinned as his back bent uncomfortably backwards. He'd apparently in his ignorant mind and perhaps in the shady light where they were at mistaken Olivia for Hispanic. She didn't mind and didn't care. He was the one carrying cuffs at the end of the day but they needed to find Amanda quickly.

An unfamiliar voice came over the police scanner letting them know they had another guy in custody and was bringing him back. Liv looked back to the man in front of him.  
"So it's now or never, are you going to speak or are you going to give that opportunity to your so called friend?" Liv asked him. The man tried to look if possible even angrier.  
"He'll never talk. We're brothers, not rats," he hissed.  
"Well you were crawling in the basement like rats weren't you?" Liv couldn't help herself. The man growled.  
"Let me punch him Liv, I'll get him to talk," Fin said and Liv seemed to consider it for a while as she eyed the man with her narrowed eyes.  
"Save it for the next guy," she said and told him to put him back in the car.

"Just holler if you change your mind buddy," she said before she turned to look at the patrol car coming down the street with lights on, hopefully it held the second suspect. She heard the man grunt as Fin viciously put him back inside the car he'd moments ago been dragged from.  
"Screw you all," he yelled as Fin shoved the door shut behind him. Fin hurried over to the other car, Liv had already opened the back door and told the second suspect to get out. He seemed reluctant to and Fin grabbed him and hoisted him out. He tripped and landed briefly on the pavement, face and chest taking most of the blow since his hands too were cuffed behind him.

"Oops," Fin said loudly and then dragged him back up. This time Liv helped Fin push the suspect up against the car.  
"You are going to tell us where you saw our partner last or we are going to put you outside on the curb of that house you ran from a while ago with a big sign around your neck pointing you out as the one that beat up at least 16 Hispanic men over the course of a couple of weeks. And we'll leave you there cuffed and alone for the rest of the night," Liv had a finger on the man's chest that she poked hard at him. Her voice icy and leaving him no reason to doubt she was being honest. He'd already looked scared before she started talking and didn't look any less as she stopped.

"Jeff told us to split. She was with him and Lance last I saw her," he spurted out.  
"Jeff? Last name?" Liv asked and the man gulped.  
"Hayes."  
"And Lance?"  
"McFarland."  
"Good. And when you left she was… okay?" Liv asked but the man hesitated. Fin yanked him a little and he wet his mouth as he nodded.  
"Yeah I guess," he said.  
"You guess? Either she was or she wasn't?" Fin screamed, again his spit flying all over the guys face.  
"Well she fought you know, hard. We had to control her. Sean had duck tape but she struggled, Jeff had to punch her out. But surely not enough to kill her you know," the man's eyes were wildered in a way. Fin felt like punching him out. Liv had to bite her tongue, looked away briefly but found her bearing and turned back.  
"Where?" she asked, "Where did you leave them?"  
"I don't know, downstairs somewhere," the man seemed truly unknowing, "he took her further down as we went up a couple stairs."  
"He? Jeff?" Liv asked and the man nodded.  
"And Lance stayed with him?" Another nod.  
"Who had the gun?" Liv asked and when the man hesitated Fin yanked him again.  
"Lance fired but Jeff has one too," he let them know looking defeated.

"We have a runner," someone yelled suddenly. Liv immediately broke away as Fin had to wait until a uniform could take the man from his hands.  
A single shot rang out and it made Liv start to run towards where the shouting had come from which just happened to be the same direction as the fire came from.  
"Where? Who?" she shouted to any anyone who would answer.  
"Around the building, through a fire exit, a single suspect with a hood," a uniform told her. They both had their weapons drawn as they hurried towards the building.  
"Who fired?" she asked as she saw another couple of uniforms.  
"The suspect, he ran down that alley," a uniform told her and pointed which way.  
"Someone's in pursuit?" Liv asked and he nodded. A shot, then two others rang out somewhere inside the building it sounded like. They moved closer to the wall as they made their way around into the alley.

"We have another one," someone yelled by a door as they entered the alley and Liv ran up to him. Fin was right behind her. They were back at the door where they'd first entered after the assault.  
"They got him right down there," the uniform said and pointed them down. They managed to get through a large number of uniforms, the scene was hectic and blood had obviously been shed. A uniform was down, his partner had pressure on the wound. It looked as it capped his leg but the uniform would live even though it obviously hurt.  
"There's a bus right outside," Liv said and looked further down the hall. The suspect was further down the hallway, screaming in pain as the uniforms after had cuffed him got him up to a sitting position. He'd been shot too. Blood was seeping through his hoodie but since he'd continued to fight they had to cuff him before they could check him out. Liv didn't care so much about the wound at this point though.

"Jeff? Lance?" she tried but as she got a reaction from both names she couldn't be sure.  
"Fuck you," was the response though and she couldn't care less about his name right now.  
"Where is she?" she asked.  
"She's dead bitch," he screamed without looking at her. He was still fighting his restraints, making the pain from the gunshot wound to his side hurt even more. Fin came up and put a fist and pressure against the blood drenched area on his stomach. The man cried out in pain but then started growling.  
"Fuck you," he yelled.  
"No, fuck you, tell us where she's at," Fin said and pressed a little harder. The man tried to get to him and the uniforms held him back. When the man realized he wouldn't be able to fight Fin he started laughing viciously instead.  
"We fucked her till she died nigga, sliced her open," his voice was just as vicious as his laugh but it soon changed as Fin punched his wound.  
"Fin, common," Liv said and tried to pull him away with a hand on his shoulder, "he's not going to talk, let's go find her instead." Fin held the man's eyes for a while but realized Liv was right. He wasn't going to talk. Fin let the pressure go, hoping it would make him bleed to death and backed up. The man sighed in relief but then started laughing, yelling profanities directed at Fin and what he'd done to Amanda as they hauled him out of there.

"Make sure he gets the first bus," Liv said to the uniforms taking him out and pointed to the uniform further down the hallway. She then turned to Fin who'd just punched the wall with his fist making some of the suspect's blood stay there and some of Fin's own emerge from cracks he'd just made in his own knuckles.

"He said further down, could there be another level underneath?" Liv asked. Nothing on the floor plan had shown a lower level though but they were a couple of years old so perhaps something had been added Liv thought. But it was the other way around, the new floor plans had left a lower level out since the construction of it had been shut down after safety inspectors found safety violations. No further developments of the sublevel was granted. The owner had simply covered the entrance up since he couldn't afford to pay for what they wanted to shut it properly up. Over the years kids in the building had found the badly blocked entrance and managed to open it up, making it their own little private hang out. For the past couple of years a homeless man had occupied it though which only a few residents in the building knew about, none of them having a problem with it and therefore not reporting it to either the landlord or the janitor. And the janitor didn't do much, he was rarely down there much and didn't even know about the lower level.

Liv got a hold of Nick, who was still down there desperately seeking for Amanda, over the radio. The connection was bad but they managed to mostly make sense of each other.  
"Where are you?" she asked. He gave her a vague description since he wasn't all that sure himself.  
"Look for a way further down, it should be somewhere near a stair that goes up to the second building. One of the suspects said 'they took her further down' so it could be down stairs or just down a hall but they headed up and out as they split up," Liv tried telling Nick as she half ran, half walked towards the intersection that took them from house one to house two. Fin was right on her tail.

"Okay," Nick relayed and remembered the stair that took him up to the ground floor of the second house. He found it quickly but couldn't find a way down anywhere near it. You had three ways to go when standing by the stairs and one of them slanted a little. Nick decided to check that one first. He didn't get far until he heard a low pounding. A steady sound that disappeared for a few second but then another five or six pounds were heard. He couldn't be sure but it sounded irregular enough it could be human made.

"Amanda" he called out. He wasn't afraid any longer to shout since he knew all five men had left the building. He wasn't sure but it did sound as the pounding became a little more frequent after he'd shouted her name. He suddenly felt a bit of a draft and he went behind what looked to be a wooden trellis of some sort. He saw by the moved dust on the floor that it had been recently moved and when he pulled it it rather smoothly fell open. On the inside there was a handle so it was obviously used as some sort of door to something. It was dark right inside but further down he could see light. He got his flashlight on and could see a slope instead of a stair going downhill rather steep.

He called out her name again and this time he was sure it was a response to his shout. He hurried down, gun still drawn just in case. The relief once he spotted her was greater than any he could ever remember, at least right now. And she was moving. Her feet was bound together and her mouthed taped shut. Her hands were taped too, above her head and taped to a pipe. She'd still managed to move around so she could clunk her feet against a chicken net with a plank behind it and that was what had caused the low pounding Nick had heard.

She slumped to the ground, feeling just as relieved when she spotted him. He raced towards her and slid the last bit on his knees, ending up right beside her. She was roughed up, dirty, her dress was hitched up. He spotted a bandana in her mouth with two pieces of duck tape over it all. Her eyes still looked a bit scared but he could see relief down there too.  
"I got you, hold on," he said as he looked her over quickly. He spotted blood stains on her dress and feared she was even more injured than it first appeared.

"Let me get this off," he said and tried for one of the pieces of tape covering her mouth. He knew it could hurt to get this off but getting her airways cleared was more important. He could tell she already had a hard time breathing through her nose, probably the exhaustion from trying to make the outside hear her and the fear knowing the suspect could come back at any second to finish off the job. He got the first tape off rather easily but the second one he knew would hurt.

"Bare with me," he said as he saw her eyes crumbled shut with pain as he pulled the tape that had gotten stuck in her hair as well. He pulled the rag out of her mouth as soon as he was able to and she dry coughed a couple of times as he removed the entire piece of tape. She gasped for air and he helped her sit up just slightly to make it easier for her. He had his hand around the back of her neck as he rubbed her back gently with his other hand.

"You okay?" he asked and she quickly nodded.  
"Is it your blood?" he asked but she shook her head.  
"It's his," she said with a raspy voice and just slightly nodded her head towards a wall to their right.

Once Nick could focus his eyes in the husky room he was surprised to see a rough looking man in the midst of the garbage that invaded the room. Apparently a homeless man had unluckily crossed the suspect's path. He didn't look to be breathing and frankly Nick didn't have time to check on him. He wanted to get her out of there and checked over as soon as possible. She'd surely taken a bad beating. He grabbed the tape that held her to the pipe to see if he could rip the tape off. He couldn't get through it and he looked around for something he could use to cut with but he saw nothing but garbage. He took another look at her hands and found a gap where it went around her arms. It took some effort but he managed to pull it apart enough to get her hands out of it. A second layer underneath had her hands still bound them together though and as he moved her arms down from above her head he could tell it hurt her.

"Let's get you out of here," he said and helped her to sit up even further. He got a clearer look at her feet as she pulled them to her and he spotted some fabric wrapped around her ankles along with the duct tape. Her dress was hitched up so far he could see what fabric it was. He gave her a worried look and wasn't sure how to interpret the embarrassed look she got over her face. He helped pull down her dress a little and once he got her up enough so she could put some weight on her own feet he pulled it down as far as it went.

He had already seen that her arms hurt so he didn't ask her to put her arms around his neck and instead he got a good grip around her back and then swiped her off the ground with the other arm underneath her knees. He felt her body tense up against him as he started to move them towards the exit, she was in obvious pain and surely felt unsafe not being able to hold on to him properly. She was completely and literary left in his hands and it wasn't comfortable for a person who was used to trust only herself. And at times her partner.

She winced a little as his hand seemed to hurt the way he held her. Once they got up the slope and through the trellis he put her down briefly. He got his flashlight back up and, while holding on to her, bent down and left it on at the ground. He wanted the others to be able to find their way in there and check on the man.

"Let's try again okay?" he asked and looked at her as he tried his arm at different levels on her back. He finally seemed to find one that didn't hurt as bad and he got her back up in his arms again. She leaned into him and he had no problem guiding himself and her slim form through the basement's paths. He was aiming for the stairway straight up into the second house but heard steps coming down the hallway and a shouted out; "I got her," as he saw Liv and Fin coming towards him. Of course it was obvious for them to see but it still felt good saying it and the look on Liv's face told him it did her good too.

"How is she?" Liv asked worried though as Amanda didn't move.  
"She's okay," he said as Liv reached them and could see for herself that Amanda's eyes were slightly open. Amanda had wanted to but been too tired to get her head up as she heard Nick shout out and then Liv's voice. She tried to shot Liv a smile though and it became just a tiny bit wider as Fin's face showed up right next to hers. He placed his palm against her cheek. He felt warm against her. She felt cold and clammy towards his and he told them all to get her upstairs.

"There's a homeless man down there where I found her. He took a bad beating, she has his blood on her," Nick told them as they all went up the stairs. Fin took lead holding the door open and Liv stayed behind Nick helping him as best she could. He told Liv about the flashlight left on and she told him she'd send people down to the beaten man.

"We need a bus," Liv yelled as they got upstairs greeted by a couple of uniforms.  
"It just left with the officer that got shot," a uniform informed her.  
"Well there's another one coming right?" she asked and when he nodded; "get it here ASAP."

Fin and Nick had made it out into the lobby meanwhile.  
"Help me get the tape off," Nick asked Fin as he sat down and gently placed Amanda down on the floor. He placed himself behind her so she could lean into him. He could still see her chest rise and fall heavily but it had slowed down a little, the air up here was much better and he hoped it helped out her breathing. Fin had gotten his keys up and tried sawing the tape off but the key hardly did any damage.

"Anyone got a pocketknife or something? A scissor?" Fin asked loudly while he kept trying to gnaw the key to not much result.  
"I have one," a uniform said and stepped forward as he got his pocketknife out of his jacket pocket. He unfolded it and handed it to Fin. It worked much better. Fin made sure he didn't get close to Amanda's skin and soon cut through the tape. Liv had sat down next to them and helped unwind the tape around her hands as Fin moved down to free Amanda's feet. As he noticed it was her panties entwined in the tape down by her ankles he shot a worried look upwards. Amanda had her eyes down on her hands as she tried to get them moving again as Liv had gotten the tape off. He met Nick's eyes though, they seemed as concerned as Fin's. Fin continued to cut through the tape and when he was done he handed the pocketknife back to the officer and then carefully freed Amanda from the tape.

"We need to bag this," Fin said as he had the tape in his hands.  
"No," Amanda said. Liv shot her a look not getting why she said no. Liv followed Amanda's eyes down to Fin and she spotted the fabric entwined in the tape.  
"Don't," Amanda begged with a weak voice not wanting her panties in some evidence box for anyone to see for years to come.  
"We have to," Fin said simply and took the evidence bag that was handed to him.

"Nothing happen," Amanda said and turned to Liv, "they just left me down there."  
"It's going to be fine Amanda, let's just get you to the hospital," Liv said and grabbed a hold of her hands.  
"I'm fine," Amanda whispered. Nick placed the other bundle of duct tape in another evidence bag and they handed them over to the uniform.  
"I'm fine," she repeated as she felt her own eyes dropping shut. Right then two paramedics charged through the door again and her eyes jolted open again as Liv and Fin moved away so they could get access to her.

"I'm fine," she said a third time and started to sound like a broken record. Nick hushed her a little as he stroked her arm gently.  
The paramedics worked quickly and methodically, found her vitals to be weak but good and let the rest know so they could worry a little less. Officers helped to fetch the gurney, Amanda kept saying she didn't need to go to the hospital but her inability to fight them off physically, or even move, told them she needed to be thoroughly checked over. Liv let the paramedics know they were taking Nick in the ambulance too since he needed a check-up and she would follow with Fin as soon as they had the situation on site under control.

They had four of the five men in custody, one of them with a gunshot wound to his stomach area so he was brought by the hospital before he was taken to the station. His life wasn't in any danger, the bullet went through and through. The man that had talked to Liv and Fin earlier had given them the fifth man's name and they would soon have him in custody too.

The homeless man in the lower basement was unfortunately dead when the uniforms got to him not long after Nick had left the room. The coroner would later rule he died from one of the first blows he received to his head and they wouldn't have been able to save him even if they got to him faster.

Liv had of course woken up their captain and let him in on everything. Once Cragen was convinced Nick and Amanda was okay he listen to Olivia and wouldn't come in until the morning. Liv wanted to go to the hospital so they wouldn't hear the suspects until the morning anyway. After that phone call and after Liv made sure Dan got all the evidence back to the station she let Fin drive them over to the hospital. They found Nick in the emergency area, newly stitched up. The doctor thought he suffered a mild concussion but wouldn't have to stay overnight. He had received a few abrasions caused by the knuckle brass and they were also patched up to stop the slight bleeding, most of them were on his arms. By the morning he would feel the abrasions and bruises even more then he did tonight.

They learnt Amanda had been taken upstairs, nothing serious they'd just told Nick they wanted to take her to a more secluded area. Liv and Fin asked around and were then taken upstairs to where she was at. The nurse that had guided them slipped inside a room and asked them to wait outside meanwhile. She came back out and let them know Liv could go in and hinted without words perhaps Fin should stay outside. Liv promised to come back out as soon she knew what was going on. Once she got inside she found Amanda upright, they'd put her in a gown that wasn't fully closed as a nurse was helping to get her cleaned up. Liv could tell she was rather badly bruised just by the quick glimpse she got. Amanda pulled the gown a little closer to her as she spotted Liv and she tried to give her a smile. Liv could tell she was in pain though.

"How are you doing?" Liv asked and stepped over to her. Doctor Abigail Winter introduced herself and let Liv knew they'd just gone through a first examination and nothing seemed to be broken at least. Abigail went on to tell Liv that the nurse was cleaning her up a little so they could get a better look on Amanda's exterior. Abigail also told Liv they'd put Amanda's dress in a paper bag in case they needed it for evidence and she asked if they would need anything else for the case. Liv gave Amanda a quick look, she knew Amanda wouldn't like it but it was procedure.

"Photos would be good," Liv told the doctor without letting her eyes off Amanda. Amanda's face immediately told what she thought of the suggestion.  
"We have to Amanda," Liv said before she could object though. The doctor nodded and asked the nurse to set it up when she was done. The nurse seemed to be done and hurried next doors to fetch the camera for the doctor.  
"Let's get you up on that bed for a while, you're looking exhausted Amanda," Abigail said and helped Amanda up. Liv had taken the few steps over to the bed also but her help was not needed and she remained just standing there.

While Amanda leaned back on the bed Abigail looked over her arms. Her elbows were scratched up from when she tried to fend the men off in the alley. Abigail moved her arm and shoulder a little and saw Amanda flinch.  
"Are you sure you don't want us to take an x-ray of that?" Abigail asked and Amanda nodded.  
"They dropped me once, I landed on my side, it's just muscles, no bones," Amanda said and sounded secure enough. Abigail opened up her robe and Liv turned her back a little to give Amanda at least some privacy seeing how she was naked underneath. It wasn't anything Liv hadn't seen before, she'd been there during Fay's birth and there wasn't much you didn't see during a birth Liv could tell you. But this time things felt different so Liv looked away.

Abigail got going with the camera and Liv saw flashed lit up the room from time to time. She heard Abigail give the nurse the specifics so she could get them down on what would be the medical report for Amanda's injuries. There was beginning bruises to her face, throat, scraped elbows, a couple contusions around her arms and wrist that looked to been made by a human hand, a two inches oval shaped contusion on her stomach area. Then they apparently moved around to Amanda's back and Liv heard the doctor mention several minor contusions and an irregular laceration above her right hip. Abigail asked if Amanda knew what had caused it but Amanda didn't seem to know. Abigail told the nurse to make sure it was cleaned out thoroughly so it wouldn't get infected and then tape it up.

The doctor asked if Amanda felt able to stand up as they went through her lower body and Liv had to smile as Amanda answered 'of course'. As always not able to accept she'd been beaten down. Liv saw another flash light up the room and heard the doctor mention abrasions to the knees. Another flash and the doctor's voice added three smaller contusions to the outside of the left leg to the growing list. Abigail asked the nurse to help cover some of Amanda's behind with the robe as she took a photo of an abrasion on her lower, left hip. There was a slight pause and Liv heard Amanda moan just a little. The doctor asked Amanda to open up a little and then there was a flash. The doctor then mentioned a two inch wide and a second inch wide contusion on her inner right thigh.

"Amanda do you need us to do a rape kit?" the doctor suddenly asked and Liv held her breath.  
"No," Amanda quickly complained and Liv had to look over her shoulder a little. Amanda had her back slightly towards Liv, her robe drawn to one side and Liv could easily spot the abrasion on her hip. The doctor shot Liv a quick look.  
"Are you sure? Were you conscious the whole time?" Abigail asked. Before Amanda could answer Liv did if for her.  
"No she wasn't." Amanda quickly turned her head and shot her an angry look before her face crumbled with pain as she'd moved to hastily and her neck and back ached.  
"I know I wasn't raped," Amanda said as she held on to the side of the bed with her head down.  
"You had your panties around your ankles Amanda," Liv told her and tried to sound as compassionate as possible.  
"I know," Amanda quickly shot back, "that was just cause they needed something to tie my feet with and since I didn't have any stockings..."  
"You didn't have stockings?" the doctor asked and Amanda shot her a weird look.  
"No, I don't like 'em," she said but wasn't sure why she had to defend that. This was stupid Amanda concluded. Liv had turned around completely.

"You were unconscious Amanda, you have bruises on your inner thigh, the men have tried it before," Liv said.  
"I would know if I'd been raped," Amanda sounded agitated.  
"But wouldn't it be best if you could find out for sure you weren't?" Liv asked. Amanda sighed and closed her eyes for a moment or two. How did this happen? It was supposed to be an easy operation. Lure them in, avoid getting punched, perhaps being able to throw some punches yourself and then bring the bad guys in. That was what was supposed to happen. This night shouldn't end with her having to go through a rape kit.  
"Amanda," Liv tried.  
"Okay, okay, if it will shut you up but I'm telling you I wasn't raped," Amanda said and again she'd moved to quickly and her body screamed out in pain and she bit her tongue to not let it out. The doctor gave Liv a quick nod and then told the nurse to set it up. The doctor tried to help Amanda up on the bed again but she wouldn't accept the help.

"Amanda I have to ask, have you had sex the last 24 hours?" Amanda suddenly felt lucky Fin had been in such a pissy mood last night otherwise she couldn't so firmly answer no to that question. And with Liv in the room too? Amanda could not think of a lower moment if she'd had to answer yes to that question, and before she had to go through a rape kit, with Liv in the room.  
"Could you step out for this?" Amanda asked Liv as she felt she couldn't go through this with her in the room. Amanda hoped she wouldn't take it personally.  
"Of course," Liv said and gave her a tiny smile before she ducked out of there.

**Fin had been pacing** the hallway outside meanwhile and was a little further down when he heard the door open. He hurried up to her and eagerly asked;  
"So? How is she?" Liv thought it over quickly.  
"Bruises and scrapes, she's obviously soar all over," Liv took a brief pause to take a breath, "they're doing a rape kit now." She could tell by his eyes that grew almost double their regular size he didn't like this piece of information.  
"Was she...?" he asked and wet his lips nervously as he couldn't finish the sentence.  
"She believes she wasn't but she was unconscious and she has bruises on her inner thigh," Liv let him know everything she knew.  
"Fuck," Fin whispered as he swiped his hand over his clean-cut head. Liv wasn't sure what to say and stayed quiet.  
"I shouldn't have let them get so far in front of me, if only I'd gotten their earlier," Fin said.  
"Don't go there Fin. Circumstances, just stupid circumstances," Liv said and placed her comforting hand on his arm. Fin blew out air harshly and raised his hands on top of his head as he turned and started pacing the hallway again. Liv turned her head to the door she'd just exited. She wished Amanda had let her stay in there.

**Behind the door** the nurse helped Amanda get her legs up in those bloody stirrups. Amanda hated them. They had obviously have to been invented by a sadistic man. She tried to relax but realized she wasn't doing a good job when the doctor asked if she wanted something to calm her down a bit.  
"Just get it over with," Amanda sighed not having much patient for anything right now.  
"This would be more comfortable for you if you were able to relax more," the doctor tried but Amanda cut her off quickly.  
"This can't get close to comfortable, just get it over with," Amanda said and tried to get her arms up to cover her eyes from this damn bright light but of course her shoulder started hurting. She was able to raise the other arm though and folded it down over her eyes to block everything out. She was sure she hadn't been raped. She would know wouldn't she? She would feel it right? There were pieces missing from the night though and that time in the basement and it freaked the hell out of her.

She remembered the speeding car, Nick's hand on her lower back as he tried to get her to safety as the car speeded up on the curb. And then she'd seen the blow to Nick's head, the silver of the knuckle brass glistening in the street light. She'd heard Nick's huff as he went down. And before she did anything but stand there as some stupid damsel in distress someone grabbed her from behind. That had got her moving though. She'd felt his nose crack behind her elbow and she'd managed to get a punch in as well. But then she hadn't been ready for the men coming from the car. They'd grabbed one arm each and she'd felt herself being picked up from the ground. As she tried to get some kicks to them she'd lost one shoe and then the other one dropped off right before she crashed to the ground.

She landed on her stomach but managed to get around before the two men more or less sat down on top of her. She'd tried fighting them off and she'd seen or heard nothing else than what she had before her hands. Then the shoe had come crashing down on her chest and she'd hit her head on the hard ground as it struck her down. Once her eyes could focus again she'd managed to see whose foot it was. He'd pulled down his bandana and she could see blood pouring out his nose. For a second she felt like laughing at him, saying 'Got you good' or something but as she wasn't really the one who could gloat right now it had to wait until back-up was here and she was able to get up from there. But back-up didn't arrive as fast as she'd liked it to and she felt someone grope her underneath her dress as the foot was removed. A face hovered above her, called her a slut, a wetback lover and he would show her. She didn't like his hand up her dress and she began fighting them off again.

Then she'd finally heard someone yell out police and for a brief second she felt relief. But it washed away just as fast as she heard a gun being fired and realizing the shot came from right above her. Then everything just seemed to speed up for a minute or two. She heard 'grab her' and suddenly she was off the ground again. She did her best to squirm, to make it difficult for them but they seemed to notice nothing of that and suddenly she was going down a steep stair or something. She remembered the stench of the man that held her top part. One of the worst BO's she'd come across. Her arms were held close to her body and she seemed stuck, her legs were a different story though and she concentrated at them as she was whisked down a muggy corridor.

Every now and then she managed to get a leg free but even though she managed to get a kick or two right at whoever was holding her legs it didn't seem to do enough harm and soon she was locked in again under his arm. They stopped for a while and she was pressed up against a cold door. The men were obviously stressed. She hadn't heard herself scream or anything but maybe she was because one of the men said to shut her up and suddenly she was down on the ground with a knee harshly planted to her chest. The man above her ripped his bandana off and shoved it in her mouth. She managed to bite down on him and he swore. She felt a harsh grip around her throat and it forced her to release the man's fingers.

"Tie her up," someone said, "use her stockings or something." And then she felt the hand going up her dress again.  
"She's not wearing any," someone said as she felt her panties being pulled down.  
"The duct tape," someone said.

They were talking low and Amanda figured police might already be down there hunting them so she tried to scream. The man with the knee on her chest, the ones whose bandana she had stuffed in her mouth so she could see his face clearly, put his hand over her mouth and pressed down. For a while both her mouth and nose were covered and she felt a bit of panic. But then it was removed and a piece of duct tape was placed over her face making it impossible for her to spit the bandana out as she had planned to do. The knee was removed and he instead got a hold of her wrists and held them together as the man with the tape roll started to wind the roll around them. When they were done with the hands she felt her ankles getting the same treatment. And then she got lifted off the ground again.

Even with her arms and legs bound she tried getting free and she'd succeeded once. Unfortunately this had landed her on the hard ground, shoulder and hip taking the hardest blow and it had knocked the air out of her for a few seconds. She'd been more or less dragged into what looked like a storage space and two of them had literary sat down on her. When Amanda had enough of being a human chair she started wiggling around again but that had only made the man closest to her head grab a hold of her hair and harshly press her down. She stayed still for a while, tried to save her energy since she was obviously not getting out of this particular situation.

"They're coming round the corner," she heard someone whisper and she realized help was nearby. With everything she had left in her she tried to get free and also to scream. Even with the bandana she managed to make sounds and someone hissed at her to stay quiet. When she didn't she felt the man with the grip in her hair raise her head up and then down hard into the ground. And then a second time and it made her pass out.

Once she woke up again she wasn't sure how long she'd been gone or what had happen but she was on someone's shoulder and her entire body hurt the way she hung. All she could see was the back of a man's legs and shoes. They rushed down the same or another passage.

"I feel a draft," she heard. She could only hear two sets of footsteps though. She heard a door or something open and then they were going down another steep, no not stairs, a steep slope and it went completely dark for a short second until a more soft light lit up their surroundings. She felt the man that carried her suddenly stop and as he backed up a little the following man crashed into them. The man behind them took a few steps around them and then she was hoisted down to the ground. Not so hardly, the man more sat her down and she managed to quickly scan the scene. They were in a smaller room, looked like a garbage room with all the filth and debris all over the floor and piling up towards the walls. Only two of the men with bandanas were with her. And what looked to be a homeless man whose home they'd just invaded stood speechless in front of them.

"Just relax man," one of the men said to the homeless man, "we just need to hide out here for a while." The homeless man didn't seem to like the idea though and charged the closest man to him. Armed with only his arms, and they were weak arms too, he didn't stand a chance once the man pushed him back inside the room. He charged again but now the man that had carried her earlier had grabbed a plank and he swung it in the air hitting the homeless man in the head once he came at them. The homeless man went down but jumped back up and the man swung the plank the other way this time and the man landed on all his four right next to Amanda. For a few seconds they held each other's eyes. She probably looked as terrified as he did.

The homeless man that hadn't made a sound up till now suddenly screamed on top of his lungs as he tried to get back up but he got struck with the plank again and fell slumped to the ground right next to Amanda. The plank came down once more, blood from the man's head splashed over Amanda and she turned away to get away from the blood and the awful sight. She heard the plank land again though, and again, and again. Then it stopped and when she dared to turn back around she saw the man without the plank dragged the now dead man by his leg to get him away from them. The man with the plank grinned at her as she looked up at him. Pure evil seemed to pour out his eyes. He tossed the plank to a wall and approached her. She tried to crawl away from him but of course he caught up to her easily. He grabbed a hold around her throat and stared down her face.

"A fucking cop," he sighed and didn't look so happy any longer. She saw his eyes wander down her body and then back up again.  
"Didn't know they made you so good looking these days," again he got a slight grin on his face.

The other man had been up by the entrance again to have a look and now came back down.  
"What the fuck do we do Jeff?" he asked his partner and Jeff let Amanda go by tossing her backwards as he got up on his feet.  
"Relax. We stay put for a while, let the other's get a way and then we run too." This Jeff character seemed to think he had everything under control. Amanda figured he was the brains, the instigator probably a better word for it cause bright he wasn't.

"And what do we do about her?" The still unnamed man pointed towards Amanda and she tried to just keep calm as they both looked her over.  
"I'm not sure," Jeff said and seemed to think about it a little more.  
"She's too fine to just give up don't you think?" he grinned and approached her again.  
"But we can't run for it if we have to carry her out of here," the man still standing complained.  
"Maybe we come back for her then," Jeff said as he kneeled down beside Amanda, "let the feistiness in her wear out a little and then come back and have some fun with her." He put his finger against her cheek and she tried to shake him off. He grabbed her chin harshly though and made her face him again.

"You'd love that wouldn't you?" he smiled down her face, "or do you prefer gringos? Maybe it wasn't just a game to you? You letting your partner up there screw you a little on the side perhaps?" His eyes got darker again as he seemed to grew angrier by something going on inside of him. He was obviously carrying a huge grudge.  
"Yes? No?" he snickered a bit and again let his eyes go up and down her body. She tried to get her head out of his grip but that just made him grab a hold at the back of her neck and he held her head face just a few inches from his own.  
"What does he have that I don't?" he hissed and she thought she saw sadness wash over his face for a second. But it disappeared just as fast and back was that dark cloud in him. He pushed her to him and planted a kiss right above her eye. Her hands came up to push him away and he chuckled at her lame attempt. She knew she was overpowered, that her odds weren't good, but that did not mean she wouldn't put up a fight if he tried anything.

And he would. He kept one hand behind her neck as the other one went down inside her dress. She got her hands up again and forced him back out which made him chuckle again. He moved his hand from the back of her neck to the front and pushed her down. She tried to stay upright but couldn't and she felt his hand go up her dress. She managed to roll around to the side, blocking him from getting further up. He had to use both hands to get her back down on her back again and he seemed to get angrier, making him handle her even harsher.

"Common Jeff, we gotta get out of here," the other man said.  
"Give me a minute," Jeff said as he straddled her to keep her down. He leaned in and smiled close to her face; "Or two."

She felt his booth by her knee, trying to push her knees apart. His own doing, with the tape around her ankles, made it harder for him to accomplish spreading her legs though. And she kept trying to fight him off, making him even angrier. It was her downfall. She knew that at times she shouldn't fight so hard, at times she even caused a bigger scene that she could have gotten out of if she'd just played it cool. She knew it but couldn't stop. She would never surrender, never be anyone's victim. She would stand no chance if she ever came across a bear. Lay down and play dead? No way. She would die fighting. She hoped at least there would be something honorable about that.

She'd thought about that bear and maybe she would do better with a smarter strategy against this threat but then she'd felt his hand up her dress again and she knew she couldn't just take that. She managed to get her hands up between them and she got a good jab at his jaw making him swear loudly. Jeff's friend hushed him but Jeff told him to shut up, turned to her and called her a bitch. And then he'd knocked her out. She had no idea how long she'd been out or what had happen during that time.

**She'd remember** that awful stench being the first thing she noticed as she woke up. A stench of filth and garbage but also the smell of blood. And death. Everything that had happened that night came flooding back within seconds and she jolted awake. Eyes sprung open and she tried to sit up even though every inch of her body hurt. She fought for air as she looked around. She was alone, well except for the dead homeless man a few yards away. She felt as though she couldn't get enough air through her nose down her lungs and her eyes teared up as panic set in. She looked down her own body, her dress was hitched up, her legs were filthy and her knees bloody. She tried to get a sense of her lower regions as she remembered the last few moments before she was knocked out. What had happened afterwards? It didn't feel as anything had happen to her that she wasn't aware off but she wasn't sure.

At least her brain activity had made her focus on something else than her breathing and she realized she was breathing just fine now. She moved her hands and realized she was even more taped up now. Her wrists were taped to a pipe right beside her. She tried tugging a little to see if she could get free but it was useless. She was stuck. She stayed still for a while, tried to listen for any sounds out there. She realized they could come back, if not now, later as Jeff had suggested. But they had fled the scene for now right? And Fin, Liv and Nick must be searching for her right? They must have seen her go down the basement, the men had been hiding from someone. So allieds would be out there right? She had to try and help them find her. But how?

They'd been smart when they taped up her hands, they hadn't just ran the tape around her wrist but also around her actual hands and fingers making it impossible for her to remove the gag from her mouth. She tried doing it by rubbing her face against the floor but it wouldn't work she figured out quickly. She looked around for something she could use to cut her tape off but there was just unusable trash around her, PET bottles, other plastic containers, paper, ripped fabric. She looked over to the homeless man and wished he could have collected something she could have used instead of this trash. She had to stop looking at him though as the sound of his skull being crushed underneath that plank brought tears to her eyes.

She took another look around the room. She felt thankful they'd left the light on at least, she hated the dark. If she had something metal she could use it to punch the pipe she was taped too but she didn't. Above her head was just a concrete wall. Below her though some chicken fence that held up some wooden boxes. She tried getting herself further down. When she got as far down as she could, her shoulder hurt like hell, her bent legs touched the wired fence. She got her feet up and tried carefully kicking it with the sole of her feet. She'd feared it would all come crashing down on her but it didn't. She could feel the fence was at least somewhat securely attached to something and the boxes seemed to be packed good. She tried hitting it again and it did make a noise, if it was loud enough she wasn't sure though.

She tried kicking it over and over again for a while but she tired herself out quickly and realized she needed to save some energy in case she needed to keep doing this for some time. She kicked five times in a row and then rested as she counted to three slowly. She kicked five times, rested three. She went on like that for a while but started to worry as she had a hard time counting to five. She felt tears burning behind her eyes and wish she could bit down on the inside of her lips as she used to do as she tried to keep it together. Biting down on the bandana didn't work as well but it had to for now. At least they would find DNA on the bandana if they hadn't caught the men fleeing the building. And in case they wouldn't find her in time.

She tried not to spiral down in her mind but she started to worry they wouldn't find her. She would die of starvation or dehydration. Or the stench would kill her. She looked to the side and spotted the man's feet. The soles of his shoes were scuffed through so she could see the bottom of his feet. She kept looking at the man's feet as she punched the fence a few times. Maybe there were rats down here she thought to herself. She kicked the fence. Maybe the light would go out? Fuck she hated the dark. She kicked the fence. Her mom had used the closet in their old house as a time-out area. The light switch had been on the outside. Usually she left the light on though but there were times, only with Amanda never with Kim, where she turned it off to increase the punishment a little further. She knew Amanda didn't like the dark.

She kicked the fence five times. She'd tried to take it, take the punishment to in a way remain stoic, but there were sounds in there in that closet. Tiny creeks further in, ghostly sounds that she as an adult understood were just pipes or wires throughout the house but then it had freaked her out. Five kicks. Maybe six. She tried to stay strong but the dark had scared her and there were times when she punched her little fists against the door, begged her mom to let her out but it never worked. Quite the opposite. It had made her mom leave her in there longer, sometimes overnight and Amanda stayed awake scared shitless the entire time.

"Amanda," she thought she heard her sister whisper her name through the door as she did sometimes. That always made her feel a little better, her sister voice calmed her a little and sometimes she managed to turn the light on without their mom noticing for at least a while.

"Amanda." There it was again and she realized it wasn't coming from inside her own head. She forgot briefly she had a gag and tried calling back. She kicked the fence a couple of times. Took a break and heard her name again. She answered by kicking and when she heard her name again it was closer than before. Someone had found her and it was the best feeling in the world. When Nick's face showed up through the dark she felt like crying for a whole other reason than before.

**And now she felt** like crying again. Jobwise perhaps going through a rape-kit was a good thing but right now she couldn't really see it like that. It was one of the most humiliating things she'd ever had to go through and she'd been through quite a lot in her life time. Getting the news the doctor found no tearing or semen present though was a relief and at least something to feel happy about.

"Told you so," was all she could say though as the doctor gave her the information. She wouldn't even say that to Liv once she got back in the room. She kept quiet for the rest of the night. She got some clothes and some painkillers from the hospital. Liv told Amanda she should go home and they would take her statement on Monday. Liv would call if they needed anything tomorrow but she would try and give Amanda the day off to rest. Fin volunteered to drive her home and Liv said she would take a cab back to the station. Nick was waiting for her. Liv had tried to get him to go home but he was set on making sure she could handle whatever was waiting at the station.

They would be able to go home soon though. Four men in custody that would be interrogated within the next couple of days. The fifth man would soon be in custody too and a sixth man would later be arrested. He'd taken part of the first couple of assaults but then withdrew as he thought the violence got out of hand.

Jeff had been the instigator and he'd gotten his friends rattled up in participating. He was a divorcee with two kids living with his ex-wife. A few years after his bitter divorce he'd met this beautiful blonde femme fatale and they had two rather good years together. And then she'd left him for a wetback. That was the story he'd give the police. He wouldn't tell the part about how she made him feel changed, like the love he felt and got from her got his angry side bottled up. He started to believe in a bright future together with her and was thinking of proposing. But then she'd left him for a man from Mexico. It had all tumbled down quickly for him. Life crashed and his anger grew. He kept driving past the restaurant she worked at, saw them together outside his place that she moved into a little too fast. He hated it. He hated them. Mostly him but he started to hate her too.

Jeff's friends would tell the rest. Jeff and Lance had been alone on the first assault. They'd waited outside the restaurant. Lance had come up with the bandanas, it would lure the cops off, think it was some Mexican gang war or something. They'd seen a blonde come out of the back of the restaurant along with a Mexican looking fellow. They'd driven behind them for a while, riled each other up and then jumped out and beaten up the man. It had been the wrong couple though, a good thing probably since the cops perhaps could have linked it if it had been Jeff's ex.

Even though it was the wrong couple it had felt great. Even Lance thought so. They'd bragged a little about it at the weekly barbeques with the guys and soon everyone had been talked into joining. They all had families, ex's, girlfriends, kids so they'd used their Friday night poker game time and then extended it to Saturdays as well as they got hooked on the thrill. All though at least four of the six men had no problem selling everyone out it had been a good thing they stopped them when they did, it would have escalated otherwise. They had no intention to stop what they were doing.

**In a week or two** this would be of some relief to Amanda but as Fin drove her home that early morning she had trouble seeing anything good coming out of this past night. Fin was worried about her as she kept silent and he felt unable to do anything for her. When he asked how she was doing as they got into the car she'd just given him a nod and something that could be mistaken for a smile. Maybe.

They were driving across the bridge to her borough when she suddenly said she wanted to go pick up Fay. He gave her a questionable look and then looked at the clock at the panel.  
"It's 3 am Amanda, she's asleep," he said. She kept quiet for a while. He kept giving her concerned looks, he could see and hear she was breathing heavily. Even in the dark of the car he could see, with every passing street light, the red line on her face where the tape had been. He could see the beginning shiner on her left eye, her graced knuckles as her hands laid fidgety in her lap. As they walked out of the hospital he could tell every step hurt, he knew the bottom of her feet were banged up from kicking the fence for a long time. That combined with all the rest of the cuts, scrapes and bruises covering her entire body made every move to say the least uncomfortable.

"Can we just go over there please," she begged and as their eyes met briefly he could see tears in hers.  
"Okay," he said and he found the first turn-off so he could drive back over the bridge again.

Ken and Alejandro lived in the upper Manhattan and with the empty streets the drive over went smoothly. He parked out on the street but left the key in the engine. He still didn't think it was a good idea to wake up Fay at this hour, especially not since Amanda didn't seem all that stable at the moment. He relaxed a little as she remained in the car though. He could see her peaking up at their windows. Their apartment was completely black.

Amanda felt a little better now that she was at least closer to her daughter. While stuck in that basement she hadn't thought of Fay at all and she'd started to feel bad about that as she a little later realized this. She felt safe knowing Fin would have her though if anything happen to her, and if not Fin, Ken and Alejandro would be great for her. She leaned back in her seat. Closed her eyes as she took a few deep breaths. She heard Fin remove his seat belt. She'd gone without, they made her feel contained and she had to remove them on the drive home. She felt her tears flooding over and she didn't try to stop them. She heard Fin take a deep breath, she knew this was freaking him out. He couldn't handle her tears, her emotions. She knew but right now she didn't care. She opened her eyes as she turned her head towards him. He looked sad, perhaps a bit terrified. He reached out though and placed his hand on her cheek. She leaned into it and closed her eyes for a while. Her tears fell down onto his wrist, they burnt a little as they hit.

He wasn't sure what she was doing when she suddenly moved and started climbing over to his seat. He moved over a bit towards the door as she sat down and he got his arm around her. She quickly escaped into his arms and buried her face in his chest. Her legs came up over his and he put his other arm around her so he could hold on to her properly. He still wasn't sure what was going on but it felt good holding on to her.

She wasn't sure why she was crying either. Surely some of it came from what she'd been through tonight, it at least contributed to how worn down she felt. Her defenses were completely down. But it wasn't just tonight and the basement. It was everything. Everything with Fin and the argument they had earlier tonight. It was about Fay and the inability for Amanda to give her a real father. She had a father figure but no one she could call father. Amanda wanted to give her that but she knew Fin wasn't ready. She didn't know if he ever would be and she wasn't sure she could go on like this any longer. Everything felt like a lie. Like a burden. For many years now she'd felt content. Like she had everything she needed. But not any longer. She wanted to be more than content. She wanted to be happy. And the thought that he couldn't make her happy scared her more than any ignorant SOB holding her prisoner in a basement. At least in this moment in time. Tonight, in this car, with him by her side but still so out of reach.

**They fell asleep somehow**, not even the morning sun woke them up but an officer had to. Fin woke by his billy hitting the driver's side window. He'd rolled down the seat a little as he felt Amanda drift off to sleep a few hours ago and now he struggled to hold himself up as he tried to remember where he was and why and everything. When he realized a cop was tapping his window though he got his badge up and it made the officer keep walking. Not without throwing a few concerned looks over his shoulder though as he went back to this car.

Amanda squirmed a bit by his side and then let out an ouch as something hurt a little more than the constant soreness she'd felt since she started to come awake. They both yawned loudly and Fin tried to rub some life in his face.

After a while and after Amanda had found a pair of his spare sunglasses in the glove apartment they went upstairs. Fin, knowing they were early risers even on weekends, had texted his son and gotten a reply so they knew they were up. Fin knocked rather soft on the door as Amanda kept in the background. Ken came to the door and the 'oh my god' that escaped his lips when he saw Amanda told her she hadn't done a good job trying to cover up her injuries. She had Fin's sunglasses covering most of her face and put his jacket on over the sweater and hoped it would swallow her. But the shiner shined through, Ken saw bruises on her neck and her whole demeanor told him she wasn't doing good at all.

Fin just gave him a look though that told him to not ask. Ken struggled not to though as he leaned in to greet Amanda with a kiss on the cheek. Fay's shriek came down the hallway as she ran to them. Fin grabbed her before she could reach her mom though and brought her up for a quick hug. She clearly wanted her mom though and Fin brought her over with a 'be careful with your mom okay'. He held on to her as she gave her mom a kiss and a hug. Amanda tried to keep the pain from her face as her daughter's arm came around her neck and squeezed a lot of the sore spots but both Ken and Fin spotted the grin. Fay struggled to get Fin to let her go but he held on.

"Mommy had a boo-boo okay, so you need to be careful with her," Fin said and brought her back into his own arms.  
"A boo-boo?" Fay asked and looked from Fin to her mom.  
"Mama's going to be fine don't you worry," Amanda smiled, "let's get you dressed okay?" Fin put Fay down and she immediately grabbed her mom's hand and pulled her inside. Ken met his dad's eyes as he shut the door behind them.

"What happen?" he asked with a low voice as Fay and Amanda got further down the hall.  
"I'll tell you later," Fin said and touched his arm before he followed the ladies inside.

Alejandro's 'Oh my God' wouldn't be as subtle as Ken's though. Ken was quickly there though and with a look and a hand gesture he made sure to tune his fiancé down. Amanda struggled to just keep a straight face as they tried to get Fay ready to head out of there. She wanted to show her mama something she painted and then it was something in the kitchen and then a DVD folder of the movie they'd seen last night. Amanda tried her best to keep up and meanwhile get Fay a step closer to dressed meanwhile. Both Ken and Alejandro did their best to help out while Fin just sat down on the cough figuring it was best to keep out of the way.

They had been in the middle of breakfast and Ken packed some of her food that was transportable in a bag and sent it with them.  
Ken made sure Fin got that he had to call later before they said their goodbyes. Amanda carried Fay downstairs even though it hurt. Fin tried to take her but Fay insisted on her mom carrying her and Amanda said it was okay. She could bear through any pain for a chance to hold her daughter.

Fay kept up the conversation in the car and kept talking as they got home. Fin played with Fay so Amanda could have a shower. Amanda did her best to stay up but by lunch Fin sent her to bed with some painkillers as he went out to have lunch with the kid. She kept sleeping until late and Fin and Fay kept busy meanwhile. When she finally woke up though she said she felt better and insisted he'd go home to get some sleep himself. He had a long night too she said. He was tired but he still didn't want to leave. He could feel something was different. Something had changed and it wasn't just the wetback hunters and the basement and all that. Something else was different about her. About them. And he didn't like it. As she closed the door behind him it felt as though she closed the door to something else too.

**XXX**

**Phew. Okay we are in a bit of slump. And believe it or not it will get worse. I feel the need to give you a bit of warning. You might think Fin can't get any lower but in a chapter, or two, he actually will. He's going to do something really – **_**really**_** – stupid and repulsive but please don't hate on him too much (or me for that matter). I really do love Fin but I can't figure out if he's just a very simple character or a very complicated one. He goes with his gut, acts on emotion but rarely speaks of any. I do think he comes from a good place though and I hope by bringing him down, well I guess I feel he needs a big wake-up call and the only way to do that is to, in a way, bring him to the gutter. I'm not sure where this will end tho, it's mostly in my head so far but I'm hoping to be able to bring it around to a happy ending. Keep reading and you'll find out… ;)  
Oh yeah and that bruise on her thigh was a total rip-off from one of the most excellent ER episodes ever, the one where Abby gets assaulted by that neighbor (A Simple Twist Of Fate S08E14)  
****Oh and a big thank u to killerQueen32 for your awesome reviews, they keep me going right now!**


	29. New Acquaintances

Amanda would be rattled, not really herself, for a couple of weeks. Of course she had to leave statement of what happen during the undercover operation and then a trial followed not long after. Barba was prosecuting so of course it all went well. All six men would get sentenced. Jeff and Lance got tougher sentences since they had the added gun violation, firing at law enforcement and abducting and holding of a police officer. She would need some physiotherapy to get her shoulder back in shape and of course obligatory counseling.

Things between Amanda and Fin went on like normal for a while though. They didn't talk about what had happen and Fin didn't bring up that he felt something was different between them. He was hoping that whatever it was troubling Amanda would just go away and they would get back to what they had. But it didn't.

The universe has a way to sometimes pick up what you send out there and actually bring it to you. Amanda had come across this particular wonder a few times before without really noticing it. There was the longing to get away from home and then a scholarship for college being offered. Of course talent and hard work had a little to do with that too but she'd been wishing for something to happen that whole last year in high school as things at home got unbearable. Then it had been the wish for a new job somewhere, anywhere, after that chief of police business. She'd sent it out there and the universe, with a little bit of help by Sam, had made that come true. A perfect new apartment had come to her, and Fay, when she needed it the most.

And during the summer something Amanda wished so dearly for would fall in her lap. Or the other way around perhaps since she was the one that literary landed in his. The book circle had been mostly slumbering for Amanda these last couple of years. She'd just been so busy with Fay and enjoying being her mom it hadn't left much time to sit around and talk about a book for a few hours every other week. She'd brought Fay a couple of times though but found herself more interested in reading children's books with her on the side. But she'd kept in contact with a few friends she'd met there though. There was especially one she really liked and tried to see ever so often since she brought fun and laughter to Amanda's life.

Gayle was fifteen years her senior but felt younger. She had such a youthful breeze about her. She had a grown-up son that she had a little too young, still had great contact with but that had moved to South America for volunteer work. She'd never married, had a huge place not far from Amanda, a job that made her have to socialize a lot and travel some. She had loads of friends and always had some story to share about a fancy party and some celebrity that caused a scene at it. Amanda wasn't sure why she liked having dinner or at least a coffee with her every month. But she didn't complain. She loved Gayle and all her glam stories and whirlwind affairs. She secretly wished she could be a little more like Gayle.

Gayle was a very generous person. And not just with money but also with advice and telling people what she loved about them. Amanda felt as though Gayle tried to help her come out of her shell a little and even though Amanda felt as though she let Gayle down every time Gayle still didn't seem to give up on her. So Gayle kept trying to get her to expand her wardrobe a little, to come with her to a party or two and ask that cute waiter for his number. Amanda was astounded with how much Gayle seemed to be able to fit into a day. With everything else going on in her life – work, travel, parties, dating, socializing – she still managed to visit the book circle most weeks.

Gayle also thought she was the best matchmaker and about a year ago had declared Amanda her toughest case to date. Gayle knew about as much as everyone else about Amanda's love life but she never probed either. She'd just basically asked if she was hitched and when the answer was no she'd been set on finding someone for Amanda. So Amanda was used to hearing Gayle say she'd find the perfect candidate for her and every time Amanda had found a reason to not hook up with him. Gayle still didn't give up and when she called early July it was to tell her she'd found _the_ man for her.

For once Amanda didn't blow her off immediately and when Gayle told her to come to the next book circle so she could tell her all about him Amanda unexpectedly said yes. Gayle had shrieked a little over the phone which had made Amanda laugh. The last thing Gayle said was that Amanda would drop dead once she met him. Amanda chuckled and told Gayle to hold her horses since she hadn't said yes to meet him yet. What she didn't know was that Gayle had already invited him to the book circle. She had enough of Amanda's dodging and took matter into her own hands.

Gayle's strategy was probably the best because Amanda might not have shown up had she known. Even though she'd opened her mind to looking around she wasn't sure she was ready and found every excuse in the book every time a potential candidate came her way. It was the same thing she'd done the last couple of years and she was getting annoyed with herself. She decided she would really listen to Gayle tonight and she left Fay with Eva and the boys so she wouldn't get distracted.

She arrived a little early as usual, and as usual Gayle was running a little late. She'd just texted Amanda and it was the text that made Amanda miss a stack of books on the floor in the entrance to the book store. She stumbled and might have stayed on her feet if a man hadn't just appeared from the other side and in her attempt to not trip him too she fell to the ground. He, in his turn, had tried to save her from falling and managed to of course trip as he reached for her. So there they were, at each other's feet.

The first thing he saw of her, well except for a whirlwind of blond locks and a pair of tight jeans crashing towards him, was a bright smile as she stroke away hair from her face where she sat on the floor next to him. For some reason he didn't immediately come up with something to say which he usually did. He was known as a talker. Instead he just watched her. She shook her head, still with that smile on her face but it grew shy as her cheeks turned red.

"I'm so sorry," she said and truly was but couldn't wipe the smile of her face for some reason.  
"Did I hurt you?" she asked and got up on her knees. He reached for her phone as he got up and they started to stack the books back up that she'd spread out over the floor as she tripped.  
"I'm fine," he said meanwhile.  
"You?" he asked once the books were gathered and they rose up. For the first time they stood eye to eye, the first time she truly noticed what kind, brown eyes he had. She just gave him a smile that told him she was okay. He handed her the phone and she shook her head again with a slight chuckle.  
"I knew texting while driving was bad but texting while walking…" she said and it made him smile. He had a cute smile she noticed.  
"Again, I'm so sorry," she said and walked away before she made an even more complete ass of herself. He wanted to say something but his tongue was stuck. He felt happy though since he'd seen the book she'd been carrying, it was the same one he had in his hand. So he figured he might get another chance to talk to her during the book circle.

Amanda felt like the biggest klutz as she walked away from him. She felt a bit relieved he'd seemed to be walking out of there. She saw that the chairs in the back were still free and she went to sit there knowing Gayle liked them the best. Amanda got a few hi's and nods from people that recognized her. An elderly woman asked her how that precious daughter of hers was doing and Amanda told her just fine and showed her a photo in her phone when she asked to see one. The chairs soon filled up but Amanda kept the seat next to her free for when Gayle would rush in like she always did at the very last minute.

Surely a minute past, just as the circle leader had welcomed everyone, Gayle stumbled in with the book tight to her chest and breath caught in her throat. She wore a spectacular, perfectly suited dress and her wild brownish locks were wild and only tamed by the sunglasses on the top of her head. She excused herself as she made her way over to Amanda, who she'd spotted immediately and it had brighten up her already bright face. She gave Amanda a hug as she sat down and gave her that look that told Amanda 'can you believe I'm late again?'. Amanda listen to the circle leader as she waited for Gayle to say something, she always whispered during, but she seemed to be scanning the room for someone.

After the circle leader had gone through some basics of the book she left the floor open for discussion and it didn't take long until the first major plotline in the book were brought up for discussion. Amanda had read the book but didn't find it all that good and had to admit she was mostly there to see Gayle. Okay, _and_ hear about this perfect mate for her. Even though Gayle seemed distracted she still managed to add into the discussion the circle was having. Amanda was in awe for this woman. She managed everything _and_ look good doing it.

While contributing to the discussion Gayle managed to quiz Amanda about how she was doing, if Fay was still as adorable and tell Amanda about her trip last week to New Orleans. She'd hooked up with some sax player and Amanda blushed once she was done telling her about their sexcapades.

"Anyway, I can see some escapades in your future too my dear. I tell you, this guy is perfect for you," Gayle whispered. Amanda shook her head with a smile.  
"Well you don't have to take my word for it," Gayle whispered, "you can make up your own mind." Amanda gave her a questionable look and Gayle raised her brows at her.  
"Yes, he's here," she said. Amanda felt a bit of panic, tried to hide it from her face but didn't do such a good job as Gayle looked at her with a miserable look.  
"I will just never get why love scares you so much," Gayle said as she put a hand on Amanda's arm and in the next second raised her hand to butt into the discussion they were just having about the two main characters relationship.

"But wasn't it obvious she just wasn't ready?" Gayle said before anyone even acknowledged her raised hand. This statement caused a bit of a stir amongst the others since they'd obviously not read it that way.  
"I can't believe you set me up," Amanda whispered as Gayle looked back to her.  
"Don't worry, he doesn't know about you yet," Gayle let her know, "I'll introduce you in the break and if you like him I'll spill everything I got on him. And believe me you will want me to." Gayle gave her a cheeky smile and then butted into the book discussion again.  
"I still say he pushed her to do it," she said and again caused a stir in the gathered group.

Amanda hadn't been able to concentrate one bit on the discussion after that as a large part of her brain told her to get out of there, to run while she could. She managed to talk herself down though even if the greatest reason for not running right now was that she would cause a scene if she tried to get through all these people and chairs. And as Gayle felt her nerves she grabbed her hand as the circle leader told them it was time to take a break and they were most welcome to talk amongst themselves about the book during it. She pulled her up and intended to move them over to the coffee area but Amanda planted her feet and refused to move.

"I'm not dressed," Amanda said quietly as Gayle looked back. She didn't let go of Amanda's hand. Gayle looked her up and down with a raised eyebrow.  
"Okay, dressed but not dressed for Mr Right," Amanda sighed. Gayle gave her a serious look and then took a step closer as she brought Amanda's hand up to her chest.  
"You're always stunning Amanda," she said and squeezed her hand. Amanda felt her cheeks burn.  
"And he doesn't care about such things anyway," she added, turned and dragged Amanda with her.  
"Oh great, he's a slob," Amanda complained and got an amused smile from Gayle. Amanda had to focus on not stepping on people as Gayle forced them through the crowd. When she looked up though she saw Gayle put her tapping finger on a shoulder with a very familiar shirt. Amanda knew which kind brown eyes she would see once he turned around.

"Ryan," Gayle chirped, "so happy to see you again." Gayle gave him a hug once he spotted her and gave her a smile. She held on to Amanda's hand the whole time though, maybe anticipating she would try and make a break for it.  
"There's someone I'd like you to meet," Gayle quickly said as she let him go and then she turned to Amanda and pulled her forward a bit.  
"Amanda this is Ryan. Ryan meet Amanda," Gayle gestured between them and Amanda grabbed Ryan's extended hand with a smile that couldn't be described as anything but sheepish. This was the guy she'd tripped over earlier and standing face to face with him again, in this predicament, made her want to die a little. Amanda's perfect mate, according to Gayle, was the same man who must think of Amanda as the biggest klutz he'd met today. Well depending on what job he had of course. If she was lucky he spent the day around clowns and that might not make her seem too bad in his eyes.

"Amanda's been a bit of a no-show at these gathering the last couple of years. She got shot, had a kid, she's a cop so don't worry." It all came gushing out of Gayle's mouth and Amanda just thought 'oh great, a klutz with baggage' as she imagined what Ryan thought of her now.  
"I met Ryan a couple of weeks ago when he did some web design work for my firm. When I found out he lives in the area, and likes to read, I just told him he had to come," Gayle turned to Amanda but then turned back to Ryan as she continued; "Amanda's a bit of a computer whiz herself, she helped me set up my computer at home." Amanda couldn't see this going any worse. If he worked with computer he would not find it skillful to just set up a computer. Amanda just wanted to get out of there now. But he did still smile and his eyes didn't seem to find either her or Gayle to be total goofballs.

"Oh so yes I need some coffee. These book discussions are always so inspiring. Amanda?" Gayle took the few steps that were left to reach the table with coffee thermos set up for the participants when Amanda shook her head as in 'I don't want anything'. She was left with Ryan for a little while, he had a cup of coffee in his hand. She gave him a shy smile and got a smile back. She couldn't tell much from his eyes though. They were just kind but she figured that could still mean he though she was a complete loser.

Gayle quickly came back with a coffee in her hand and a napkin with a cookie in the other one.  
"So how do you find the book circle Ryan?" Gayle asked but before he could answer she'd turned to Amanda and continued; "He was here for the first time two weeks ago. Then it was 'Life of Pi' by Yann Martel. Such a brilliant book. Don't you think Ryan?" She turned back and at least this time Ryan had a chance to nod in agreement.  
"I'm still waiting for the next book, I ordered it a week ago but it still hasn't arrived. I better call and make sure it's on its way. You're coming then too right Ryan?" He nodded.

"Amanda? You have to start getting out more. Bring the kid. She's adorable," that last part was directed at Ryan. Shameful sell-in technique.  
"You have time for a coffee afterwards Ryan? They have the best coffee next door. Why don't we all sit down afterwards okay?" Amanda hesitated but to her surprise Ryan nodded and actually didn't look as though he felt forced to.  
"Amanda? Coffee afterwards?" Gayle asked and got a little overly excited when Amanda nodded.

The book circle leader dinged her tiny bell and Gayle grabbed Amanda's hand again.  
"See you afterwards then," Gayle smiled at Ryan and then dragged Amanda with her back to their seats. She'd managed to consume her cookie somewhere in-between all the talking but brought her coffee with her back to her seat.  
"So, wasn't he a looker?" Gayle immediately asked once they got seated. Amanda rolled her eyes at her a little.  
"Oh common, tell me. What did you think of him?"  
"Okay he looks good but that doesn't count for everything, not in my, no pun intended, book at least," Amanda told her.

"So what do you want to know? He's born a year ahead of you, he's a web designer, you love computers too, he got money, he's from White Plains, his parents still lives there, he sees them often, he knows Mark Zuckerberg." Amanda couldn't help but laugh a little as Gayle obviously tried to sell him in to her. Gayle could have continued but got interrupted as the book circle picked up its discussion and Gayle had something to add to it again. Amanda couldn't focus on anything other than the fact she'd have coffee with a pair of kind, brown eyes that probably thought she was a loon when this was over.

"We'll meet you next door," Gayle hollered to Ryan when the group was done and Amanda said she needed the bathroom. Gayle went with her like a prison guard and stayed by the mirror and added to her lip-gloss while Amanda used the toilet.  
"Everything will go splendidly, don't you worry," Gayle said through the stall door, "he's so easy to talk to and with such a positive outlook on everything. That will be perfect for that pessimistic flare you have going."  
"Thanks," Amanda said with a hint of irony as she came outside buckling her belt.  
"You know I love you," Gayle said and sent her a kiss through the mirror. Amanda couldn't hide her smile and walked to her side to wash her hands.  
"You can't tell me he isn't easy on the eyes though," Gayle said and sparkled her eyes towards Amanda. Amanda's smile grew a little and it was all Gayle needed to gloat.  
"I still got it. Matchmaking queen I tell you, it should have been my profession."

They walked over to the coffee bar and spotted Ryan quickly. He had the book out and seemed to skim through the pages a little. Gayle somehow pushed Amanda down on a chair but then remain standing herself.  
"I am truly so sorry but I have to dash. I just got a call and there's this thing I just have to do before morning comes." Amanda couldn't believe her ears, Gayle was leaving her stranded on her own with Ryan.  
"I'll see you in two weeks Ryan? Rain check, we'll all do coffee again?" Ryan didn't even have time to give her a nod before she'd bent down to kiss Amanda's cheeks.  
"You'll be fine," she whispered close to Amanda's ear as she felt Amanda's tense hand in her own. She kissed her cheek and then the other one.  
"Call you tomorrow darling," Gayle smiled and was out of there. Amanda kept gazing after her long after the door had already closed. This was not happening she thought to herself. She realized she had to look at him at some point or another and she turned her head with a panicked smile on her face.

"Why do I get the sense we were set up here?" Ryan smiled though and Amanda could breathe.  
"I sense that too," she said, "I had nothing to do with it though." She added the last part rather quickly and could see Ryan's smile grow wider.  
"I haven't known Gayle for long but I do get a sense she rather much control this entire universe," Ryan said and it made Amanda chuckle. She nodded.  
"I think you might be right," she said and nervously stroked some hair behind her ear as she grew a little self conscious. She straighten her shirt a little as she tried to sit up in her chair.  
"Well I don't mind coffee, do you still like to have one?" Ryan asked. Amanda quickly scanned the place and then nodded.  
"Sure, I love coffee."

A girl behind the counter came to them as Ryan gestured and she took their orders. There was a slight awkward silence for a while after she'd left. Ryan still couldn't understand why he had such a problem with talking to this woman.  
"So, the book circle," he tried, "what did you think of the book?" He figured it would be a safe topic to start with. Amanda shot a look at their books that were both placed at the table.  
"I have to tell ya," she started, "I didn't really like it to be honest."  
"Thank God," Ryan spat out and Amanda shot him an amused look.  
"I'm sorry but I thought I was the only odd one out in that group, I just did not get that book at all. It's on the top seller list?"  
"I know," Amanda mused. Their coffee came and they paid her to get it over with. Amanda let her coffee sit for a while and told herself not to make a sound once she tasted it.

They went back to a bit of an awkward silence as he checked his coffee but decided to let it sit for a while too. She looked passed him and his face lit up with a bit of an awkward smile. There were so many things he wanted to ask and know about this woman in front of him but he couldn't for dear life form a sensible question right now. He knew he had to though or this would become the first and last coffee he'd have with her.

"So I hope you don't mind me asking but I'm picking up a bit of an accent?" He thread lightly, hoping she wouldn't take offence. She nodded.  
"I'm from Georgia," she let him know.  
"Oh. Have to admit I've never been though," he confessed, "Came close once. I like to do hiking and rafting and one summer we went to Hickory knob?"  
"Ah South Carolina, yeah the state park. I've been. It's nice there," Amanda smiled.  
"You like hiking too? Or rafting?"  
"Hiking mostly. I like rafting but haven't done it as much."  
"Cool," Ryan said and turned his coffee mug around. He couldn't believe his luck, she liked hiking.

"So where in Georgia are you from?"  
"Loganville. It's east of Atlanta, about 30 miles," Amanda let him know.  
"But you've been in New York long?"  
"I don't know, it's my sixth year, not that long I guess. You from here?" Amanda asked and pretended she didn't know.  
"White Plains, up north New York," he said.  
"Never been there either," she shot him a shy smile and then tried her coffee. It had cooled off some and she had a taste without making any sounds. Ryan followed her example.

"So you don't make the book club much these days?"  
"Not as much as I'd like I'm afraid," Amanda answered and appreciated him trying to get the conversation going again.  
"Book clubs big in Georgia too?"  
"I actually don't know. I'd never thought of it before I moved here, I started to just meet people I guess. I had no friends at all here when I moved up. I saw a sign and I like to read so I just went."  
"And you met Gayle?"  
"I met Gayle," Amanda chuckled but bit her tongue before she got too loud.

"You met her through work?" Amanda asked and he nodded as he put his cup down. She gave him time to swallow.  
"Yeah I helped out with some web ideas for her firm and then she had me do some work for some of her clients and we had a few work lunches with them. She's quite a woman," Ryan said and tried to now sound inappropriate.  
"She's fantastic. But did you ever fully understand what her firm does?" Amanda asked and it made Ryan laugh.  
"No not really," he admitted once he settled down.

"Web designer eh? What you set out to be or?"  
"Yeah actually, at least rather early on. Computers were the way to go I was told and while studying I branched towards web design since it let me be creative. I'd never been good with a regular pen and paper but with a computer I could color inside the lines and I really liked it," he gave her the most adorable smile and she had to clamp her lips shut to not smile too much. He went on about his studies and work a little and then went on to ask about her work. She gave him a little but not too much seeing how grim her work was in comparison to his. And she wasn't sure how he felt about female cops. From what she got he didn't seem repulsed at least.

"Gayle said you got shot?" he asked carefully. He'd been curious about that.  
"Yeah but it was a long time ago, like more than four years ago," Amanda said and had the last of her coffee.  
"Badly shot? I mean… well I guess it's always bad when you get shot but," he had trouble getting out of it and Amanda jumped it.  
"I get it. And yeah I guess it was pretty bad. But I'm still here," she said and tried a smile.  
"I'm glad," he said. He got saved by a customer that dropped his newly ordered drink and the commotion made them both look over to the counter.

"Well I better head home, my kid's waiting," Amanda said and stirred a bit.  
"Yeah. Of course. Boy or girl?" he asked as he put his book down in his back pack on the floor.  
"Girl," Amanda said as she got up to throw her empty cup in the trash.  
"How old?" he asked once he joined her to throw his away too.  
"Three. Four later this year," she let him know as they exited.  
"Fun age?" he asked and she nodded.

"Okay, so you think you'll be at this thing in two weeks?" he asked and gestured to the book store.  
"I'll try, I've read the book already actually. When it came out last year. I'll skim through it again. It's definitely better than this week's," she said and tried to sound a bit easy-going. She thought she failed miserable and placed her hands in her back pockets to keep her from being fidgety.  
"Yeah? Good, I haven't had time to start yet but I will. I really liked the book before this one, Life of Pi."  
"I've only seen the movie," Amanda admitted and Ryan chuckled.  
"I only had too before the book circle," he answered. There was a silent pause.

"Well I won't keep you but if you do make it would you like to have coffee afterwards? With or without Gayle?" It was Amanda's turn to chuckle slightly.  
"Yeah sure," she said once she realized she had to answer him too.  
"Cool. Well just in case, if job or life hinders you to get here that particular day, why don't you take my card. Send me a text or something if you can't make it and we can have coffee some other day and talk about the book just the two of us," he got his back pack to his front and got a card out. He got a pen up quickly and circled his number on the card before he handed it to her.  
"Sure," she said and looked the card over quickly. It was one of the coolest she'd seen but kept it to herself. She brought it back in her back pocket and turned on her heel a little.  
"Well bye then," she smiled.  
"Bye. Thanks for the…" he just gestured towards the coffee bar that they'd just left. She just nodded and gave him a smile before she turned completely. She took her hands out of her back pockets and tried to walk normal. She felt like looking back but didn't, fearing he'd look or that he wouldn't still be looking. Either way would just put trolls in her head so she just kept walking.

**Two weeks** went so fast, Amanda wasn't sure if it was a blessing or not as she felt nervous about seeing him again. Gayle had of course called the next day and inquired about their sit-down. Amanda had to tell her Ryan seemed really nice but wouldn't give Gayle 'perfect mate' just yet. Amanda told her she had to stay for coffee after next book circle but Gayle told her to get back to her when she was ready for a double date at this new romantic restaurant she'd just read about. Amanda asked if Gayle had someone special for herself in mind. Gayle just answered 'anyone can be special for a night'.

Amanda caught herself debating over what to wear for the book circle and had to laugh at herself. She was jumping the gun. Several of them. It was just book circle and a coffee she told herself. She still made sure she didn't have any spots on her shirt and after having run her hands through her hair a couple of times and found it lifeless she just got it up in a sloppy bun and then headed out of there. She'd thought about bringing Fay but decided to let her stay at Johnny's instead, she had more fun there. Ryan arrived at the same time as she did and said something about perfect timing as he held the door open for her. He asked if it was okay if he sat in the back with them tonight and of course Amanda said fine. They saved a seat for Gayle who came a minute early actually.

"My two favorite book circle people," she mused as she pushed herself towards them. She gave Amanda a hug and two kisses and then gave Ryan a hug and a single kiss on one cheek.  
"This will be interesting," she said as she sat down. Amanda wasn't sure what she was aiming at as Gayle gave her a wink before she sat back in her chair.

Gayle would excuse herself after the book circle and again ask for a rain check or perhaps they could have dinner one night she suggested. Ryan said maybe and Gayle settled with that thankfully. Amanda and Ryan headed next doors, ordered coffee and then had a seat. They talked a little about the book they'd just read but then Ryan steered the conversation over to other things and quizzed her a little about which places she'd been hiking at. She gave him a few mountains and he had been to at least two that she mentioned. They compared their experiences and then she found out he also was an avid runner. He'd lost his running mate though when he moved out of state earlier this year and Ryan committed to being a bit lazy with the running lately. He didn't think it was as much fun running alone. Amanda had never had a problem running alone but thought it just as enjoyable with someone. She was the one that suggested they might try and run together and he wasn't late to really like the idea.

They talked a bit more. She learnt he had an older brother and a younger sister. His brother was also in the city and they saw each other rather often. He went home at least every other weekend to see his folks and he spoke with his mom at least twice a week. He of course asked about her family and she tried to give him as little as possible without making it seem like she hid something from him. Her family would not screw this up. Growing up and while in Atlanta her family and the family name had always tainted her in a way and once she moved to New York she'd decided that was in the past. Kim had of course brought some drama but at least no one here knew from a get go that her dad was a drunk, her mom the local bitch and her sister the troublemaker.

Again Amanda had to be the one to break the coffee date up but Ryan suggested they'd meet for a run the following day. If she was able to get a babysitter with that short notice though he added and just him thinking of it made her really want to try. She knew Eva wouldn't have a problem with it but Amanda told him she would text him in the morning and let him know. Excellent was his short and sweat response. They walked a block since apparently he lived that way too and then they said their goodbyes at the corner. He'd wanted to walk her to her door to make sure she got home alright but he figured she might, being a cop and all, think he was being silly. They'd also talked earlier a little about the strains of being a female in the police department so he knew her thoughts on equality between the genders. One day, one day soon, though he thought as he watched her walk away.

When she picked Fay up from Eva's she asked if she could take her for just an hour or two the next night as well. Eva said of course but then probed a little, she could tell something was up. Amanda couldn't keep it a secret and told Eva that she'd met someone, it wasn't anything serious yet but he was kinda wonderful from what she'd seen so far. She kept Fin in the dark about the jogging date though. She texted Ryan early the next morning and told him everything was set to go later if he was still up for it. She had to wait almost until 9 am until he finally texted her back. "_Up for it but scared I'll be outrun by a girl ;) Text me where to be & when & I'll be in starting blocks waiting. XO Ryan._" The text made Amanda chuckle and Fin shot her a look over the desk. She noticed it and quickly put her phone down, shot him a smile and kept working on the paperwork in front of her.

**Amanda left Fay** at Eva's to watch some TV with Johnny while she was out running. Ryan was waiting at the spot she'd texted earlier. She'd deliberately chosen a spot a block away from where she actually lived. She dared to give him a quick hug as she walked up to him. He looked very sharp in his running outfit. A tee and shorts of brands she recognized. She noticed he had this new kind of running shoes on that she'd read about on some jogging blog and asked him about them as they started to walk down the street. She learnt he had a friend that had a sporting goods store downtown that was about to start selling them. He'd hook her up if she wanted too and she gladly accepted. She took them across the street to where she usually started running and then she took the lead as they got going.

She tried to keep a good pace so neither of them would get too winded and they could talk some during the jog. They mostly just mentioned races they'd run and where to find good running paths. They were aiming for a six mile long path she usually ran but they took a few stops along the way. A water break first and later at this beautiful spot where you had an amazing view of the river they stopped to stretch a little. His leg started cramping once they picked up the pace the last half mile from her home and they came to a quick halt. He tried to shake it off but his face told her it didn't ease much.

"Have a seat," she said as she saw a bench nearby.  
"Let me," she said and squatted down in front of him. She grabbed a hold of his bare calf with both hands and pushed her fingers as hard as she dared to along his muscles on the back and then downwards. She repeated the procedure another time and watched his face as the pain seemed to ease.  
"Massage much?" he smiled as it seemed to let go. It made her chuckle since that was her line. She was the one that added 'much' to sentences to be a bit witty and she couldn't believe he used it too. She looked down as she shook her head a little.  
"I had this trouble myself a few years ago and this seemed to ease it for me so," she said as she kept going a few more times.  
"All gone?" she asked after the fifth time and he nodded with a big grin on his face. She came up and sat next to him. She wiped her hands on her tights to get rid of some of his sweat. Not that she minded, he had awesome leg muscles she'd concluded.  
"I usually never get cramps," he said as he watched her have a drink of water from her belt.  
"I'm lucky you were around," he said and she hoped that her already flushed face didn't give away her blushing. They sat there and caught their breaths for a while.

"You have to hurry back upstairs or do you have time for a beverage or something?" he then asked and she thought it through quickly.  
"No I'm sure she's fine for another half an hour or so," she said and Ryan looked pleased.  
"You know a place nearby?"  
"Yeah, there's this place like a block away, they have juice and smoothies and stuff."  
"Perfect," he smiled and held his hand to her lower back as they both got up from the bench.  
"Doing okay there," she asked and looked down on his leg as he limp a bit the first few steps.  
"Perfectly fine thanks to you," he winked and shot her a playful smile.

If he'd looked handsome the other night he looked even more so right now. With the sweat in his forehead and the wind that had played in his hair. She liked what she saw so much she had to look away. A thought of Fin went through her mind and she tried to push it away quickly. He held up the door for her as they reached their goal. A man was ordering at the desk but no one sat by the tables.

"Do you have any recommendations?" he asked her as they watched the big menu at the wall above the cashier. She pointed to the refreshing beverages and said:  
"The very berry pomegranate is my favorite," she said and for some reason felt embarrassed to tell him.  
"Sounds very berry and perfect," he smiled as the man before them went towards the exit and Ryan stepped up to the cashier.

"Hi, can I have two very berry pomegranates please?" he already had his card up and she let him pay for them both.  
"We'll be over there," Ryan said with some urban presence over him and Amanda went over to the table he had gestured towards. Ryan had nicked a bunch of napkins from the desk that he put on the table as they both got up on the high chairs.

"It's not a major problem but I do sweat some," he confessed as he took a few napkins and put them to the back of his neck.  
"Who doesn't," she smiled and took some herself. The whipping didn't kill the entire time until the cashier came over with their beverages and some awkward silence crept in between them. It was that kind of awkward silence though when the tiny butterflies had time to fly through your stomach and you couldn't keep from throwing a few glances across to whoever you shared that awkward time with. She got caught looking, or maybe it was the other way around, just before the cashier came over and it made them both a bit of a giggling mess as they got company. They both still managed to thank the guy though before he left.

"I'm sorry," Ryan said: "I just didn't know what to say. I wanted to give you a compliment on how good you're looking right now but all I could come up with was 'you look good sweating' which didn't seem appropriate at all." His confession made her chuckle and she put her hand over her mouth as that deep laughter came out.  
"Don't," he said quickly: "I love your laughter." She bit her lip as she removed her hand. Two compliments in a row and two very sweet compliments. 'What had she done to deserve this guy?' she thought to herself and went for her cup to block some of her face with it in case the flattery was showing on her cheeks.

"I hope you like it as much as I do," she said before she put her lips to the straw.  
"It looks really delicious," he said and picked up his cup and had a try. She kept the straw in her mouth as she waited for an evaluation. His face changed to look even more positive as the red liquid reached his mouth.  
"Very nice," he said as he let go of the straw and wiped his lip with his finger.  
"Not too sweet?" she asked and he shook his head as he took another zip.  
"Perfect after a run like this," he smiled when he was done and put the cup down.  
"Glad you like it," she smiled back. She liked that he'd wanted to try her favorite taste, Fin would just never do that. He'd go with what he liked and he said smoothies were for sissies.

"So you come here often?" she nodded at Ryan's question.  
"Yeah we do, especially during the summer. They have great iced tea."  
"Ah, a reminiscing from back home?"  
"Yeah I guess."  
"You miss Atlanta?" he asked but she quickly shook her head.  
"Nothing but iced tea?" he asked with a smile.  
"Well sure I miss some friends and people I worked with on the force there but I have the memories with me wherever I go and I have the best parts of my life here in New York now," she was honest, didn't really think before she talked.  
"Fay being the very best part I can imagine," he said and she looked at him with a smile.

"I love how you light up just by hearing her name," he confessed. She found his willingness to open up very refreshing. This wasn't a man that was afraid to seem any less a man just because he said what he felt. A trait she wished Fin would have. She tried to hide the fact she got angry with herself for thinking about Fin and asked:  
"So does your sister still live around here to?" she'd wondered since he'd mentioned the family get-together every other weekend but not so much about his sister. He shook his head.  
"No, she moved to Florida many years ago, her husband Tom comes from there. I see her about four times a year but we Skype every now and then. She has two little kids so it's a great way to see them grow."

"Your mom miss not having her around? And the grandkids?"  
"I guess yeah but my mom flies down there a couple of times a year and once they come back here they always stay at my parents. I'm sure she'd love to have them next doors though," Ryan smiled.  
"Does your brother have kids?" she asked and he shook his head.  
"And you don't have any right?"  
"No, unfortunately not," he said. She felt a bit embarrassed for prying and put the straw to her lips again.

"My mom has been bugging both me and my brother for years about grandkids, once lil' sis got going it eased some pressure though. My brother has a serious girlfriend, and for years now, but I actually don't think they want to have kids. I'd love to though," he put it out there so she'd know. By him sharing so much she didn't feel too assertive and she asked him a few more questions about his brother and family but soon their cups were empty and she knew she had to get herself home. They walked the few blocks to her house and she stopped once they reached her main gate. She figured she could trust him.

"What floor?" he asked and looked up. She told him and he asked how long she'd lived there. She answered, he asked if she liked the place, she said yes and then he ran out of questions. Or more, he realized he had to let her go even though he didn't want to.

"You gonna run home on that leg?" she asked.  
"I think I'll walk. Don't you think I've done my exercise for today?" She smiled and nodded at him.  
"Well, I…" she started and hinted a little towards the door.  
"...gotta go. Yeah. Maybe we can do this again though? I really liked running with you and I hope I wasn't slowing you down?"  
"Oh no you didn't," she hurried to let him know.  
"Good, and I promise cramps aren't my usual style." That made her chuckle and he smiled as he watched her.  
"Okay, so I'll text you, see if we can run maybe next week?"  
"Yeah sure," she nodded.

"I'm heading out of town this weekend just so you know but maybe next weekend we could do dinner? If you like to I mean?"  
"Well, I have to check, I mean work and..." she felt herself getting evasive as a lot of thoughts about Fay and Fin and would it be okay for her to go on a date spun around her head and she finally bit her lip to stop rambling. He'd seen her hesitation and feared he'd rushed her. It wouldn't be the first time. Why did he have to be so pushy?  
"I get it, just get back to me whenever, I'd love a run with you next week and I'd love to have dinner with you next weekend so just let me know," he put it out there.  
"Okay. Cool," she said but felt anything but.  
"Great, can't wait to hear from you."

She nodded and then tried to not freeze as he got closer. She held her breath as he gently kissed her on the cheek. His lips were warm and smooth and she felt a tingle on her skin where they landed for a brief second. She managed to inhale just a little as he was close and he smelled like a mix of sweat and sea breeze. Lovely. He stepped back and started to walk backwards down the street.

"Thanks for the run and that," he said as he walked away and he gestured to his leg. She smiled at him as he turned.  
"Thanks for the very berry," she shouted after him. She saw him wave his hand in the air just before she headed inside. She skipped the elevator and flew up the stairs instead. She felt oddly excited and tried to push it down as she knocked on Eva's door. Eva open and her daughter's face showed up just seconds later.

"Mom," she shouted and clung to her legs for a while.  
"How was the run?" Eva asked with big eyes. Amanda first couldn't say anything and just nodded.  
"Good," she then smiled but tried to keep it down. Eva got it though.  
"Good? Well good," she smiled and with that accent Amanda loved she continued: "Maybe you'll take another run soon then?"  
"Maybe," Amanda just said and smiled. Fay said thank you for the milk and good night to Eva as she headed towards the stairs. She usually preferred to be carried but she didn't like it when her mom was sweaty so tonight she made her own way. Amanda thanked Eva too and skipped after her daughter.

Amanda had felt doubtful when Ryan first asked her about dinner. It felt like such a huge step but when Eva had asked her about the run and everything Amanda had felt jittery, but in a good way. A potential dinner date had been on her mind the entire night and she'd even managed to rub of her high spirits on Fay. They had a night filled with giggling and silliness. But then Friday morning as she was on her way to work and the thought of Fin and that whole situation made her hesitant again. Perhaps it wasn't such a good idea after all? Perhaps she should just be happy with what she had?

Fin could tell something was on her mind and felt annoyed when she said everything was fine the few times he asked if something was up. Her making him annoyed also meant she turned him on. Yes he was screwed up but he didn't care. Anger, annoyance, irritation made him want her, badly. So he asked if she had time to come by his place after work. She'd seemed hesitant but then finally nodded.

She figured she would talk to him then. Mention Ryan and the suggested dinner date. For some reason it felt as though she needed to ask for Fins permission. And her attention had been to just talk to him but of course things hadn't turned out that way. Within minutes she'd found herself on his bed, between his sheets and under and over him and swept away to wonderful places. She couldn't regret _that_ but knew it would have to change if she went on this date with Ryan.

He watched her as she started to move towards the side of the bed. Minutes ago they'd been panting next to each other. He was still out of breath but she'd been breathing calmly for a few minutes beside him. He wished she could stay a while, like she had done during the early years. Back then he hadn't appreciated it so much, the feeling of waking up with someone beside him. No not just someone, with her next to him or in his arms. Her breathing calmed him. Having her near calmed him. He never slept better than with her beside him.

Since Fay came along though, never a regret about that but it had changed his and Amanda's relationship. Amanda didn't want any funny business, as she called it, around Fay and he respected that. When she was really young there were ways to work around it so she wouldn't be exposed in any way. But when those tiny legs started moving on their own it got trickier. And while in that small apartment with mother and daughter in the same room it was even trickier. He had to get used to quickies in odd places but that worked too. Anything to be with her.

The new apartment meant a little more freedom but she was dead set on keeping the funny business away from Fay. This meant he'd spent many nights on their couch. Once Fay was asleep they would use Amanda's bed but then when they were done she would kick him out to sleep on the couch so that when Fay woke up and came waltzing into her mama's room she wouldn't find Fin there too. There were nights when they both crashed afterwards, exhaustion taking the best out of them, but thankfully Fay was often a heavy sleeper and when she had nightmares you heard them miles away. And Amanda was an early riser so she made Fin switch sleep location before Fay woke up.

They got busted once though but Fay had just walked in and fell right asleep in her mother's arms and Fin was able to sneak out before she noticed him. There had been other times when he'd taken cover in the bathroom and once even in the closet, not such a graceful tactic and Amanda had scolded herself for it but they just had a hard time keeping their hands of each other and Fin really didn't think it would scar Fay if she found them together. They had after all spent nights together, all three of them, in bed sleeping together. Amanda however didn't feel that was the same. She said friends and co-workers can share bed fully clothed without it having to mean something but what we do most of the time, he remember her gesturing between them, does mean something. He'd never taken the conversation further even though he wished he had at times.

Lately though they'd done the deed at his place mostly. Fay was getting too alert, Amanda didn't want to risk anything. So quickies at his place after work before she went home to Fay and the babysitter or pick Fay up from her neighbors were their usual routine these days. He turned slightly on the bed so he could watch her better. He could still spot small drops of sweat on her back and her hair was all tangled up in the back. It made him smile. He wished she could stay a while longer. He liked running his hands over her naked body as they both came down together.

She was still not comfortable walking around complete bare as she'd done in the beginning. The scars on her chest and stomach still bothered her some. He was working on it though. Making her comfortable in front of him, not feeling exposed and feel the need to hide her scars. They'd come a long way, in the beginning she'd insisted on keeping her tee on the entire time. Now she went without and he knew there were moments she completely forgot she even had scars. They weren't that bad any longer either. In the beginning they had looked scary but after a couple of years and a few sessions of laser treatment they'd blended in more. For a moment he was back at the site where she'd been shot. He had images from that day that would never fully be erased from his mind. The rare nights he had nightmares they always contained the shooting, her falling to the ground, her blood pouring out of holes in her body, her blood on his hands and her eyes falling shut.

He sighed loudly and it made her turn back to look at him. He looked a little pale but he shot her a smile. He'd turn slightly towards her and she knew he had been watching her. He often caught him doing that. My little perv she thought to herself and felt her smile grow wider. His smile turned to a yawn as he fell back against the pillow. His eyes turned to the ceiling and she took the opportunity to look him over. He was mostly exposed, draped only by the sheet that had twisted around his body during the wild ride they'd just had in his bed. He'd never been shy. It was just one of many things she liked about him.

She remembered suddenly why she'd went over here with him in the first place and she hurried to pull the tee over her head as she'd gotten the bra in place.  
"So, this…" she started as she reached for her panties on the floor. She peeked back over her shoulder at him to see if he was paying attention or if he was snoozing as usual. He'd turned his head towards her again though and she twisted her body around slightly so she could face him better. She started to feel perhaps this wasn't the best time but then again she couldn't wait either. His eyes usually gave her courage but right now they made her nervous and she looked away.

"What?" he asked feeling that she wanted to tell him something.  
"This… guy. This new guy in my book circle. I'm not sure if I've mentioned him or not. Ryan. Well, he… asked me out," she shot another glance over her shoulder to catch his reaction. He just raised his eyebrows slightly. She knew she hadn't mentioned him, it was just something she said.  
"I was thinking I might… take him up on it," she said treading lightly. Fin nodded as he took it in. This wasn't the first time. She'd been asked out before, shot most of them down but gone on a few dates. She'd always come running back to him though. But there was something different this time. Something had changed between them as of lately. And he had a feeling she felt something for this guy. That scared him more than he wanted to admit.

"I didn't know you'd started with the book circle again?" he asked and tried to sound casual.  
"Yeah, I've been a few times, Gayle said she missed me there." Fin had met Gayle a few times and knew who she was. He in fact loved Gayle. He said she was such a guy, hinting to her forwardness and flippant way about guys and relationship. Amanda wasn't sure but she thought Gayle knew about her occasional hooking up with her partner. They'd never talked about it but Gayle just had a way to pick up things, especially if there was any sexual tension there.

"So this date… dinner, you think I should go?" she'd started to put on her panties and it all felt wrong for some reason. This whole situation felt wrong.  
"You should," he said to cover up any hesitation she might pick up from him. "I mean if you want to?" he said and briefly gestured towards her. She turned and bent down to get her socks of the floor and she thought about what he'd asked.  
"Yeah, I think I want to. Actually," she said quietly as she sat back up.  
"Then you should," Fin said quickly trying to cover up the sick feeling that was growing in his stomach. Amanda turned on the bed so her legs got on the outside and she could put on her socks. She reached for her pants as she was down there and got them on. She stood up so she could button up her jeans.

"So you're okay with it then?" she said as she was done and turned to him. She was torn. She was being honest, she did feel something for this guy but at the same time she for some reason wanted Fin to just say no. To say no cause he wanted her all to himself. But of course that wasn't the kind of relationship they had.  
"Have you checked him up?" Fin said and Amanda saw his cheeky grin.  
"No I haven't," she sighed and shook her head at him.  
"What's his name?" he asked.  
"And you ain't doing it either," she said as she picked up his tee that she saw at the bottom of the bed and threw it at him.

He caught it before it hit his face though and he brought it down on the bed. So that was the first she spoke of him but it wouldn't be the last. He watched her shake her head at him with a smile and then she said bye and walked out. His face had dropped the minute she'd left the room but it wasn't until he heard the front door close shut behind her that he reached for his pillow and put it over his face. He felt like screaming but of course didn't. He knew this could happen. He'd in fact been waiting for it for a long time now. Expecting it to happen but tried to push it away. Too messy to deal with. His feelings for her were too messy.

He got up, put a pair of boxers on and went out into the living room and turned his video game on. This was nothing killing a pair of bad guys in the new Halo game couldn't cure he tried to tell himself.

**She decided to** be brave, or perhaps it was just frustration over Fin's inability to fight for her, and she texted Ryan as soon as she'd parked down in her own garage. She texted that she'd love to have dinner with him. Perhaps they could talk about it more during a run Tuesday or Wednesday she suggested. It didn't take long until he texted back that he was looking forward to the dinner and suggested Tuesday for a run. She accepted within seconds, wished him a great weekend away and just hoped nothing would come up at work. It didn't and they ran the same route as the week before. No cramps this time and they ended with a smoothie at the bar and he told her about this place he'd liked to take her to Friday or Saturday. He gave her the choice of day but asked her not to take too long because he thought he had to make a reservation to be sure to get them in.

Fin tried not to pry but he did offer to watch Fay but she said she'd already asked her neighbor even though she hadn't. He'd asked mostly to find out which day they would have this dinner date. He did wonder how all this would affect their little arrangement and thought about asking her if she had time to come by his place Friday after work but he chicken out. If he knew her right, if she wanted to give this guy a chance, she wouldn't sleep with Fin. The thought that last Friday might have been the last time he'd be with her made him feel sad. And a bit angry for some reason.

It felt too weird to have Fin watch Fay when she was going on a date. No she asked Eva and she of course said yes. Eva seemed even more excited about this date than Amanda. She'd asked a lot of questions about him as they were at the park with the kids after school earlier that week. Amanda had looked him up on some social networks so she had a bit more than what he'd already told her. She hadn't checked his police record though. That felt way too intrusive even though she knew she would if this went further. She had a kid to protect after all.

But from the social network she'd learnt he had friends but not ridiculously many as some had. She spotted a few that showed up quite a lot on his timeline and in different check-ins all over town. He seemed to have a group of friends that he spent a lot of time together with and those friends all seemed legit. Two years back his status had been 'in a relationship' and she clicked on the female but her account was locked and Amanda could only see her profile picture. She looked nothing like Amanda. Brown hair, brown eyes, kind smile. The fact he was still friends with her on the network talked to his advantage though, at least in Amanda's eyes.

She found some photos of him that made her laugh. It seemed he didn't mind making a fool of himself and there were photos of him with silly hats on and in some awkward situations. He smiled in every one of them. She caught herself thinking Fin would never been photographed like that. He did let Fay dress him up at times and put make-up on him but he would never ever allow anyone to take a photo of him like that. Amanda tried to block Fin out of her mind and went back to browsing his profile. He had a few jobs listed and he'd been in some fancy schools and trough some expensive education.

She found a rather recent photo of his brother and then one of Ryan as a kid with his parents. She could see the family resemblance clearly. It freaked her out a bit to see his family, it made her think she could just never be a part of something so… normal. She logged out before she went down further in the downwind spiral and went to check on Fay instead. Still sound asleep and Amanda took a shower before she head to bed. Tomorrow she was going on a date and it would be and work out okay. She was doing this and she did look forward to it.

**He would wait** for her. He would wait both Friday and Saturday since he didn't know which night she had the date. Every sound he heard from the outside made him hope she was coming. Fin didn't even feel bad for hoping the dinner would be terrible. But she never showed up. She didn't tell him much about it afterwards either. While waiting he had lots of time to think even though he hated how it made him feel. He cursed himself for every missed opportunity he had with her. All those nights at the hospital when he'd been sitting there by her side wishing she would make it through okay just so he could make amends. So he could really show her and tell her how much she truly meant to him. He'd chicken out.

He'd missed the chance to evolve things when she got pregnant and then again when Fay was actually born. There had been times when she'd been ready, he thought almost expected him to take it to another level. But every time he had chicken out. He knew it would come a day though when Fay would ask about whom her father was and he knew he and Amanda would have to figure out how they'd deal with that. He feared though that his missed opportunities, his inability to love her the way she deserved to be loved would also rob him from being Fay's dad. Fin knew he couldn't make demands, he couldn't force Amanda to fess up the day Fay wanted to know. He knew Amanda had the right to lie, to keep it a secret. He didn't think Amanda would though but he would not blame her if she did. Fin did not deserve either Amanda or Fay in his life he was completely frank with himself. He'd done nothing to earn that right.

**The date** had been perfect. He had waited for her out on the curb outside her building. She'd asked what to wear, if it was a fancy place or not and he'd said to dress comfortable. That intel was useless to her and Fay had watched her with peculiar eyes as she'd rumbled through her closet to find anything to wear. She did have a dress that Eva actually remade for her not long ago. The original dress had a bit too steep cleavage and exposed some of her chest scar. Eva had remade the bust area and also form fitted the entire dress better.

And too Amanda's surprise cut about two inches from the hem line taking it up over her knees. Amanda didn't mind, judging by Eva's own clothes it just surprised Amanda she'd shorten it. But Eva had just said 'you should show what you got' and winked at her. Amanda hadn't been sure when she would ever get a chance to wear such a fancy dress though. She'd bought it for a wedding that never took place. It was dark purple with a sheer cover layer and some small details around the arms and waist line. She felt over dressed in any dress but this one she hoped just wasn't too over the top.

She'd asked Fay what she'd thought but the girl had just smiled. Amanda had told her she was going on a date and had to explain what date meant. Fay was more curious about Ryan than what they were doing on their date though. Amanda told her that she might get to see him soon if the date went well. That cheered Fay up. Usually she didn't mind staying at Eva's but tonight she'd rather go with her mom and this Ryan person. Amanda put her hair up, got some make-up on and then got in a pair of not so high heels. Ryan was tall though so she might have to invest in higher heels one day she figured. But then again if she wasn't able to stand up in them what good did they do?

Ryan texted when he was downstairs and Amanda grabbed Fay and they went down a floor. Eva tried to whistle even though she couldn't when she saw Amanda. Amanda shook her head with embarrassment.  
"You look beautiful," Eva said and truly meant it.  
"Don't she Esteban?" she asked since her sons had joined them too. The boy nodded with a smile on his face.  
"Thank you," Amanda directed towards him and then she gave Eva a hug and thanked her yet again for helping her with the dress she was wearing. Eva told her to stay out late and Fay gave her mom one last hug before Eva made her go inside.

She felt a bit nervous as she stepped out on the curb but she didn't have to. He immediately told her she looked stunning and told her he had to hug her just to stop from staring. He was good at flattering, and not the superficial kind. He offered his arm and then they walked the few blocks to the restaurant. He had offered a cab ride but she had no problem walking. They small talked a little on the way about what had happen since they last met. Amanda of course couldn't share much about the case she was working right now but just told him they had the bad guy behind bars. Ryan said he was happy she'd made the town a little safer. He truly didn't seem to have a problem with her line of work. He knew by now that she worked sex crimes though. Not usually a good pick-up line and all though he'd said he imagined it was the worst cases to work within the police he still didn't seemed repulsed.

The restaurant had been really nice, the staff very service minded and the food divine. They had no problem with the conversation. Surely the two glasses of wine she'd emptied rather quickly had helped at least her out a bit but he seemed to have the ability to not make a conversation go stale. He seemed genuinely interested in getting to know her better. He was curious about growing up in Georgia and Amanda tried to give him the good and stay away from the bad. She still feared he would reject her if he knew too much about her family. She did have time to ask him about his time in college and what he mostly liked about his job. He seemed very passionate about his job which to Amanda always was an attractive trait.

He did inquire about Fay too. But not too much to make her suspicious he was only after her for her daughter. Occupational hazard. He did ask if she had any photos and she did show him a few in her phone. He of course let her know he thought the little girl was adorable and she looked like she had a kind spirit. Amanda had never heard a man describe her daughter like that and it was refreshing. He let her know her sister's kids were around Fay's. His niece was a year older and his nephew a year younger. He did mention the three of them would be perfect playmates but Amanda let that one slip by.

They shared a dessert afterwards since they both felt stuffed but couldn't say no to a nice piece of chocolate cake that the waiter showed them on a tray. Amanda usually wasn't much for desserts if it wasn't a donut but tonight she was. He paid, of course, and they took a stroll around before they were back at her house. He knew she wanted to pick up her daughter before it got too late and he respected that. She felt a bit nervous as they rounded off their conversation outside her house. She wasn't sure if she should just hug him or if he would make some attempt to kiss her. He'd kept his distance so far. Sure he'd hugged her and offered her his arm but no advances other than that.

She didn't have to worry though. He'd simply leaned in and gave her a hug and ended it with a kiss on her cheek. Tonight he didn't smell of sweat and sea breeze. Tonight it was something reminding her of cranberry. He said he'd love to do this all over again and when she said she'd like that too he told her he would call her Monday and see if she was up for another run so they could talk about where to go next. She said she'd like that and they said good bye after he let her know he wouldn't hold her from that sweet, sweet child of hers. She took her shoes of inside and almost skipped the flight of stairs up to Eva's door.

Eva quizzed her a little about the date but Amanda could tell she was tired and promised she would spill everything during a coffee tomorrow. Fay had fallen asleep next to Johnny and Amanda bundled her up in her arms and carried her upstairs.

**Picking up Fay** tonight after the date had felt oddly normal. Amanda had grown custom to the sneaking around that she'd almost forgot how it was dating and the butterflies in the stomach and the 'will he like my outfit' type of hassle in the beginning of a relationship. She got herself and her baby inside and made sure the security chain was on before she went inside. She headed straight through the apartment and into Fay's room. The unicorn light was on in the window. It was a gift from Fin. Amanda held on to her daughter as she pulled the cover off the bed and then gently put her down. She was already in her pajamas but Amanda pulled of her socks that she was still wearing. She bundled the socks and tossed them towards the laundry basket across the room.

"Score," she had to whisper as they landed in the basket. She put the cover over her daughter and stroked her hair gently. Her blonde afro was in teeny tiny braids at the moment. They were taking them out soon though because Fay didn't like it much. She wanted her hair to be as free as she was she'd declared the other morning as they were getting ready for preschool. That kid could truly make you smile and Amanda felt so thankful.

As she thought about that morning and every other moment when her daughter had shown her strength and personality she felt so thankful she could burst. This colorful daughter of hers. Fin always gave her playful sneers about the clothes she picked out for Fay. Amanda had never had a good sense of fashion but she knew what she liked when it came to children's clothes. She wanted to get as far away from the clothes her mother had forced her and her sister to wear as kids. Bonnie had put them in dresses and uncomfortable pantsuits, even when they'd been dirt poor her mother had made an effort to make them look anything but. And it had been pink and red and all girly colors.

Amanda wanted her daughter to be able to play and she could get however dirty she wanted when doing so and she wanted her clothes to be cheerful and vibrant. She'd found a couple of stores online that sold ecology friendly garments that she enjoyed browsing and ordering from. And Fay didn't seem to mind. She wasn't a fuzzy kid like that. Amanda kissed her daughter on the head as she was about to slip out. Fay stirred though and Amanda saw some white in her eyes as she peeked up.

"Hey," she said softly not wanting to wake her up completely in case she could go back to sleep straight away.  
"Hey," Fay's squeaky and sleepy voice rang back as she wiggled to her side. Amanda stroked her head again. Waiting to see if she fell back to sleep.  
"Did you have a fun date," Fay said without opening her eyes. Amanda hesitated but then answered.  
"Yeah I did."  
"What did you eat?"  
"I had a very tasty salmon," Amanda answered and smiled as she saw Fay's nose crumble. Not a picky eater that one but fish wasn't high on her favorite food list.  
"Was he good looking?" Fay asked once her nose had uncrumbled.  
"Yeah he was," Amanda smiled as she felt her cheeks blush. Fay smacked her lips a bit and then peeked up at her mom.  
"Was he good to you?" she asked and Amanda stroked her cheek.  
"Yes, he was very good to me," she smiled. Fay's eyes went shut again as she settled down on her pillow.  
"As good as Fin?" Fay whispered and the question hit Amanda in the gut. She'd been able to not think about Fin during the date. She thought about her daughter's question for so long that Fay fell back to sleep.  
"No one is as good as Fin," Amanda whispered as she kissed her daughter's head a last time and then slipped out of her room.

**XXX**  
**Ryan got a little more space in this chapter than I first anticipated. I fell in love with him a little I guess. The question though is if Amanda will...**


	30. Adjusting to change

"Did you have a fun date," Fay said without opening her tired eyes. Amanda hesitated but then answered.  
"Yeah I did."  
"Was he good looking?" Fay asked with a yawn.  
"Yeah he was," Amanda smiled as she felt her cheeks blush. Fay smacked her lips a bit and then peeked up at her mom.  
"Was he good to you?" she asked and Amanda stroked her cheek. My gentle little girl she thought to herself.  
"Yes, he was very good to me," she smiled. Fay's eyes went shut again as she settled down on her pillow.  
"As good as Fin?" Fay whispered and the question hit Amanda in the gut. She'd been able to not think about Fin during the date. She thought about her daughter's question for so long that Fay fell back to sleep.  
"No one is as good as Fin," Amanda whispered as she kissed her daughter's head a last time and then slipped out of her room.

Amanda would spend the rest of her awake time that night thinking about Fin and comparing him to the man she'd just been out with. The question would linger through the night finding its way into her dreams. Her vivid dreams had her chasing Fin all over town and him constantly disappearing behind corners and buildings and then as she got there Ryan stood there. Ryan Donnelly. She felt so torn. He seemed like such a good guy and it didn't feel right to compare him to Fin.

**Back at work** on Monday she tried to keep focused on the case but every free minute memories from the date and the strange dreams kept creeping back into her mind. She tried to keep her eyes off Fin just to keep focus away from her troubled mind. She felt unprofessional and by lunch she decided enough and pushed it to the pack of her mind until later. It worked rather well.

Fin didn't bring up the date even though he was curious. He tried to keep focus on the case but knew his mind was elsewhere most of the time.

Their inability to focus would get noticed though as Cragen came out of his office right after lunch with a stern look on his face.  
"Why on earth is Barba stuck alone with a suspect from Riker's over at the court room right now?" he yelled out before he reached Fin's and Amanda's desks.  
"Shot," Fin said while Amanda had already gotten up to collect her things so she could head out of there. Nick and Liv were at their desks and couldn't help but look over. Fin and Amanda hurried out of there under their captain's disappointed look.

They both felt bad about what had happen and apologized to Barba. Of course he didn't let them get away without throwing a few blows under the belt at them. They could take it though. Later that afternoon, on the drive back to the station, they managed to small talk a little even if the air between them was somewhat awkward. They would get better at it though.

She met Ryan for a run Tuesday and then they had the book circle Wednesday. Ryan came to sit by her. They both tried to keep a low profile but Amanda felt her cheeks burn a little just by sitting next to him. It was the last one since the circle leader would take a four week break for a little vacation. It was high summer now anyways and the numbers of participants had lowered significant. Even Gayle had been missing tonight since she was in San Tropez with some guy she'd met.

During the coffee break he asked her how her weekend looked. She told him she could probably get a babysitter for Saturday evening but then feared she'd been too blunt. But his face told her she hadn't been and she could breathe again. He would text her tomorrow with the details. He told her he had another place in mind but he needed to check so it wasn't full or anything like that.

**That week** they'd closed a rather large case that the entire squad had worked at. The two rapists got rather long prison sentences, Barba was much to thank for that as well. No one really knew who suggested it first but they decided to go out and have a few beers to celebrate. It was Thursday Cragen reminded them as they headed out. Cragen had declined to join which everyone felt was a bummer but Amanda actually knew he was seeing this woman since a few weeks back and they had made plans already. Amanda was happy for him and didn't join in the 'boo's' that came when Cragen again turned them down as they headed out.

They hit the local pub as usual. Cassidy was already there, Liv having called him to ask if he wanted to join. Munch showed up as well to everyone's surprise, and joy. Amanda had called her babysitter and made sure she could stay late. She'd promised to be no later than midnight though. Cragen had bought them their first round and everyone made a cheer for the absent captain. The news of the court ruling spread quickly around the bar and the many officers that were in there and the liquids were flowing. Everyone was in a good mood. Barba had showed up but left right after they had dinner.

Around eight the officers in the bar had emptied out some but the SVU squad was still around and regular bar guest had joined them. They were a little spread out over the bar. Fin had seen Amanda talk to Barba at one point, and then a little later Munch. Then there had been some random guy at the bar and then of course in-between she'd been at the table with Liv, Cassidy and Nick. Fin had been by her side but the two hadn't really talked the entire night.

They'd moved from their table to the back and were waiting for the pool table to open up. Fin had been back at the bar to get them all another round and when he came back they'd taken over the pool table. They didn't seem to have started a game yet though and Fin heard Nick and Amanda go at it as he got closer. Fin put the beers down on the tall table next to Liv, Cassidy and Munch and asked what was going on.

"What do you think?" Liv just said and gave him a look.  
"They're comparing dicks," Cassidy laughed and got a smack over the chest by Liv. Fin smiled though and turned his head after he grabbed a beer.  
"Oh common shorty," Nick said and both Fin and Cassidy got in unison 'ooh' as they both anticipated Nick would be hit by either a pool ball or a cue. Amanda's eyes flared as she shot Nick a look but Fin saw her compose herself. And then with a cool, sassy voice she simply said;  
"Rack 'em pretty boy."

Cassidy died of laughter as he hit the table with his palm.  
"I'm putting my money on shorty. Pretty boy doesn't stand a chance," Munch said and put a twenty on the table. Cassidy said he was dead certain he would lose but still put a twenty on Munch's.  
"This is a game I'd pay to watch," Cassidy smiled. Fin and Liv shot each other a look, they would not gamble in respect for Amanda and just watched the game instead. It wouldn't be a sure win but in the end Munch had walked away with forty bucks and was very pleased. He said he would take his money and run and then said good night. Everyone was getting a bit buzzed by now even though it wasn't that late.

Nick had found an old friend from Narcotics and was sitting at the bar with him reminiscing. Fin knew the guy a little too and had been sitting with them for a while. Liv and Cassidy were back at a table discussing something rather loudly which wasn't rare. Amanda was there too and tried to give Liv support in whatever they were discussing. Fin saw her head for the bathroom though and slipped down from his chair without Nick noticing. He made sure Liv and Cassidy wasn't looking his way either and then slipped into the ladies room.

Amanda felt a little round under her feet and had swapped to drinking soda this last round. She shook her head and smiled at the argument Liv and Cassidy just had. They were just so different people. She had no idea how they made it work. She loved both of them though. She reached for toilet paper as she spotted a pair of familiar feet underneath the stall door at the same time as she heard the low tap.

"What are you doing here Fin?" she asked as she hurried to finish so she could get up from the toilet.  
"Let me in?" he simply asked.  
"Why? If you need the toilet you've taken the wrong door," she couldn't help but smile. She flushed the toilet. She turned to the door and heard him again ask to be let in. She made sure her pants were zipped up properly and then open the clasp.

His hand was up at the top of the stall door and he slowly pushed it open once he heard the clasp open. When he finally saw her face he could tell she tried to keep a straight face but wasn't quite succeeding. She was amused. That made him hope maybe he had a chance. He'd been quite the whole night. He'd felt her presence during the entire night and watched her as much as he could without getting caught. It had only been a week since he'd been with her last but he already missed her. Tonight he had trouble hiding his desire from the very beginning and now he was done trying.

She just watched him. She recognized the face clearly and unconsciously bit the inside of her cheek to stay sober. Do not fall for this, something inside screamed at her but at the same time parts of her body said something else. She broke their gaze and shook her head as he stepped in though. She tried to stay planted but felt herself easily pushed further in once he actually tried to.

"What are you doing Fin?" she asked as she saw the stall door turn shut behind him. He didn't answer and she looked up at him again to get answers.  
"Fin," she just said as she saw his eyes. He didn't have to answer, she knew.  
"What?" he asked as his hand tried to grab the side of her waist. She squirmed away though and his hand remained in the air between them. He raised his eyebrow at her and then tried again. She took a sidestep but this only landed her with her back to the wall and when he took a tiny step after her she was boxed in as he put his hands on the wall on either side of her.  
"Fin," she said again as his head went down to her neck and she unwillingly turned her head slightly so he got easier access. His breath was warm and his lips even warmer. She let out a sigh and felt a shiver go through her entire body by the slight touch of his lips against her neck.

Fin let his lips wander down and used his finger to stretch her shirt so he could reach that hollowness right above her collarbone. He loved that specific part of her body cause he knew if he touched it just right she would feel it in her entire body. She'd once said it was like he touched her heart when he touched her there. He felt her inhale once he let his tongue play around above her collarbone but he could tell she wouldn't be so easily persuaded. She was still hesitant.

"Fin," she said again as she tried to stay rational.  
"Hm," was his response.  
"We can't do this," she whispered.  
"Why not," came his late response as he was busy moving over to the other collarbone, giving it the same treatment with his lips and tongue.  
"You know that you and me and bathrooms aren't a good mix," she tried a bit of humor to keep her mind fresh. She felt him chuckle against her skin. When he didn't stop though she tried putting her hands on his chest and she intended to push him back but for a moment they just laid there as she felt his muscles underneath his shirt. He'd moved in his leg in-between hers and now he rubbed up against her. She couldn't believe how fast she fell for this and she took a breath and pushed him back.

"Fin," she said as she exhaled hard. She needed the distance from him and she tried to quickly find her sane mind again. He tilted his head a little though, the way he used to when he pleaded with her. She couldn't hide her smile but shook her head. She felt his hand come down from the wall though and landed on her hip.  
"Common Fin," she begged as his fingers tugged a little at her tucked in tee.  
"Common what?" he asked with a cheeky smile.  
"Common, you know I'm trying to date..." she felt his fingers against her skin and he were right at that spot that made her entire midsection feel week.  
"...Ryan." she managed to finish.

"You had one date," he stated and made a move quickly so she wouldn't have time to react. He was back with his leg between hers and his mouth was by her cheek as his hand tried to go down her pants. She reached for his wrist and tried to hold on to him.  
"I can't do this Fin," she whispered but felt betrayed by her body. Her hands were the only parts working with her as she felt her hip move a little with his leg.  
"You had one date Amanda, you're not married yet," he whispered and let his lips play against her cheek and then down over her ear.  
"But I want to make it work and I can't if we..." she had to stop as his breath against her ear made her have to inhale hard.  
"One date Amanda," he repeated.  
"Yeah one date," she echoed.  
"You haven't slept with him yet have you?" he asked and hoped for dear life she would say no.  
"No, but..."  
"You haven't made a commitment?"  
"No, but..." she tried to hold on to his wrist but he was pushing downwards and she wasn't sure she wanted to resist him.

She wished she hadn't had so much to drink. She thought a more sober Amanda would be able to resist him. Oh God he smelled so good. She let his wrist go and his hand came crashing down between her legs. She tried to keep them shut but his thigh between hers made that impossible. She leaned into his neck and bit down slightly as his fingers found their way in-between her folds. He found her wetness and brought it forward to her clit. He smiled against her neck as he felt her heavy exhale and slight moan as her body experienced a convulsion by his touch. He tasted her neck as he kept rubbing her clit. She was somewhat lost in a very pleasurable arousal but felt his other hand move towards the button in her pants and she knew she had to stop this before it got... well it had already gone too far but stop it before it went further at least. They were pushing their luck. Olivia, Nick, Cassidy. They were all out there. Liv could walk in at any second.

"Fin," her voice was deep and steamy. She tried to stop his hand from unbuttoning her pants.  
"We can't, not here," she whispered.  
"Come home with me then," he suggested and came up so he could stare her down. His hand was still between her legs but he'd stopped moving it. He could see she was still hesitant.  
"Come home with me," he repeated and this time it was more an order than a question. He moved his fingers slightly and her breath got caught in her throat. He leaned in and caught her lips with his. She opened up her mouth to let him in but he let her go instead.  
"Come home with me," he told her again. When she just kept looking at him he folded his fingers inside her and pushed up his thigh making her almost come up from the floor.  
"Come home with me," he said slowly. He saw a slight shiver in her jaw and then she bit down on her lower lip. Her eyes look clouded. And then finally she nodded.

"Yeah?" he asked with a nod and she nodded again. He leaned in and kissed her as he brought his hand up from her pants. Their tongues played around but then he grabbed her wrist and pulled her out of there. She suddenly stopped as he dragged her towards the door. He looked back. She'd remembered she hadn't washed her hands but then again maybe it wasn't that important, he hadn't either and his hand had just been... She shook her head and took a deep breath. She needed to focus now, they had to slip by some of their colleagues. He tugged at her to get her going and then let go of her wrist as they got outside.

Fin steered his way past Nick and said bye with a hand on his arm.  
"Oh, yeah bye Fin," Nick just said. He seemed a little drunk and was in deep conversation with his old friend from narcotics.

Amanda took the way by Liv and Cassidy and told them she needed to head home to Fay.  
"Fin's leaving too?" Cassidy asked and Amanda followed his eyes over her shoulder towards Fin who said good night by the bar.  
"Yeah I think he said he was tired," Amanda tried to say a bit flippant.  
"Well good night, you did good today," Liv smiled.  
"Thanks, you too Liv. Bye," Amanda smiled and headed towards the exit. They watched her leave, Fin had exited right before she reached the door. Cassidy had his arm around Liv and once Amanda had disappeared outside he gave Liv a look.  
"What?" she asked.  
"Do they often leave at the same time?" he asked and Liv looked back towards the exit.  
"I don't know, why?" she asked as she looked back at him again.  
"Oh I don't know," Cassidy said with a cheeky smile. Liv kept staring at him as he took a slug of his beer, he still looked cheeky.  
"You have a dirty mind," she said with a smile and grabbed her own beer.  
"And that's why you love me," he said and gave her cheek a kiss. She tried to fend him off even though she didn't really want him to stop.

**They didn't even** make it to the end of the street. Fin pulled her into a dark corner and kissed her violently as his hands roamed her body. He wanted her so bad right now he didn't care who saw them. She pushed him off though as she felt herself get too excited. He grabbed her hand and pulled her with him. He hailed down a cab, quickly gave the driver his address and then got his hands on her again. She mumbled his name into his mouth as she felt his hand go down inside her jeans. She wanted him to touch her but she didn't want to give the cab driver a peep show. It was disrespectful as well she tried to tell herself to not get carried away.

On their way up to his apartment they made several stops as he still couldn't keep his hands of her. She managed somehow to keep him from ripping off her clothes before they got inside but then she couldn't, didn't want to, fight him any longer. He even tore a rip in the hem of her shirt as he pulled it off her. He got inside her before they reached the bedroom. He was eager and rough, she willing to play along.

Amanda made it back home to relieve the babysitter before midnight. She'd sobered up by the time she got home and even though she had a very pleasurable time with Fin she started to regret it as the door closed behind the babysitter and she was left in the quiet apartment. She went by Fay's room, she was sound asleep in her bed. Usually Amanda would go in to give her daughter a kiss if she got home after she'd already gone to bed but tonight she didn't feel she deserved to be near that beautiful, innocent little creature sleeping so peacefully. She bit her cheek to keep from crying as she walked down to her own bedroom. She took a shower and hoped some of the guilt would wash of but it didn't.

She was going on a date with Ryan in two days and here she was having sex with Fin. That wasn't the kind of woman she wanted to be. That was no way to start a new relationship.

**Friday at work** was a little awkward between Fin and Amanda. Neither one mentioned what had happen the previous night. Everyone was a little hung over but Cragen cut his squad some slack. They'd made a good bust and it was important they felt that even though it left them with a bit of headache.

Saturday came and Amanda went out with Ryan for a second dinner date. Everything ran as smoothly as last time and she had fun, managing to push back Thursday night's rendezvous with Fin to the back of her mind. It was a really nice summer's evening and they went to sit down by the water for a while before Amanda had to head back home to Fay. Ryan let her know that he would be leaving town for two weeks soon. It was this family get-away they did every summer. They rented a house in Cape Coral, Florida and just hung out. He said he'd actually contemplated not going since he would miss her. She was really flattered but it also scared her a bit. It seemed he picked up on her hesitation as he apologized for being too forward. He said it wouldn't be the first time he scared someone off with his forwardness. She said it was okay, that it was refreshing and she meant it. She just wasn't used to someone who seemed so in touch with his feelings and was able to share them so candidly. He was as far away from Fin as she could imagine.

"So even though I've just confessed of being too straight forward I still have a suggestion for you," he said a little bit cryptic.  
"Yeah?" she asked with a chuckle as she got curious. He'd been holding her hand and now he brought it up into his lap.  
"A friend from back home asked me if I wanted these tickets to a circus. He has a son Fay's age but they aren't able to go and I thought since you've told me Fay loves animals and well, I was just wondering if we could go? If you don't think it's too soon for me though to meet her of course? I understand if you think it's too soon though, no problem." She watched him the entire time, caught herself thinking he was so sweet and considerate.  
"When? I mean the circus?" she asked.  
"It's next weekend. It's in Port Chester, so it's a bit to drive."  
"That's no problem, Fay likes road trips almost as much as animals," she smiled.  
"Yeah?"  
"Yeah. Be ready to sing 99 bottles of milk about a 100 times though."  
"Milk?" Ryan chuckled as Amanda told him Fay didn't find it appropriate to sing about beer when you were in the car. Driving and alcohol didn't go well together.  
"She really is a detective's daughter isn't she?" Ryan smiled. Amanda nodded.  
"So does that mean we're going? I get to meet her?" Ryan's smile got wider as she nodded.  
"Great. I can't wait," he said and brought her hand up to his lips and planted a small kiss on the back of her hand.

A little later as they got up to her front door she got to meet those lips again. This time they landed carefully on top of hers though. She'd seen them coming and froze a little. It felt foreign, these weren't Fin's lips, but it felt good. It ended quickly though and she smiled shyly as he moved back again. He said good night with a big grin and waved as he headed down the street.

**As the shift ended** one day the following week she was still waiting for him to get back to her with details about the time Saturday. They'd been out running last night and he'd promised to text her today. The day wasn't over yet though.

They were rapping up for the day and Fin approached her as she went to put two used coffee cups from her desk in the dishwasher.

"You doing anything?" She got startled by his voice but gathered herself quickly and shot him a look over her shoulder.  
"What did you have in mind?" she asked even though she knew. He didn't say anything and when she was done with the cups she had to turn towards him. He kept looking at her and she knew he would win any staring match they ever got into so she didn't even try.

"I have to get home to Fay," she said and looked away.  
"Sure?" he asked and he noticed the slight hesitation before she nodded.  
"Want company?" he asked as she started to walk away. She felt torn again. Just the thought of going home with Fin had made her feel excited but she knew it couldn't happen. Not again. She wanted to give this thing with Ryan an honest chance. And it was one of the rules they had. Fin had even told her many times he didn't want to be the one to come between her and a potential relationship. It had been more than a week since they last hooked up now. She didn't trust herself alone with him but knew she wanted him to always be a part of her life. She had stopped and glanced over her shoulder.

"Just for dinner," she said and it sounded both like a statement and a question. He nodded and then she did too.  
"Fay would love to see you," she smiled and they headed out of there together. They took her car and only had to ride to Central Park to pick Fay up.

Fay's school was out for the summer and Amanda had hired Daisy, a college girl that right before summer started to babysit for her, to spend the days with her. Daisy was great, and active too so her and Fay were out and about every day. Depending on Amanda's shift she had days off though which she spent completely focused on her daughter. And they were planning for a week's trip to Atlanta sometime soon. Today though Fay and Daisy had spent most of the day in Central Park. Fin hadn't met Daisy yet but Fay made the introductions.

"Daisy, this is my mom's cool partner Fin," Fay said jumping up and down, "Fin, this is my cool babysitter Daisy."  
"Cool," Fin said and shook Daisy's hand while Fay laughed at him.  
"Everything's been cool today," Daisy said, "it's the word of the day apparently." Amanda quizzed Daisy a little about the day while Fay jumped up in Fin's arms and let him toss her around a little. Amanda asked if they could drive Daisy somewhere but she had plans nearby so she was fine.  
"No, you're cool," Fay laughed.  
"Bye kid, see you tomorrow," Daisy smiled.  
"Bye," Fay shouted and waved. They got back in the car and rode over to Amanda's.

They stopped by the grocery store as Amanda needed a few things. Fin stayed outside with Fay and let her ride a kiddie ride that was nearby. Then Fin put a coin in a vending machine with rubber balls and when Amanda got back out they were bouncing it against the grocery store wall. Or Fin was mostly bouncing it since Fay had found some ants on the pavement that she was tracking.

"Are you kids ready to head home?" she asked and gave Fin a face that only proved he was a big kid.

When home they made dinner. Fay helped too and of course chose the same task as Fin. She always did when he was around. Amanda got distracted by her phone at one point and the smile on her face as she apparently read a text didn't go unnoticed by Fin. He didn't ask about it though. As they waited for their dinner to get ready Amanda excused herself for the bathroom. Fay had already lost interest in the dinner preparations and was sitting up on the kitchen counter playing some game on her mom's computer.

Fin waited by the table until he heard the door to the bathroom close. He took her phone up and unlocked it. He checked her messages and wasn't surprised to see his name all over the inbox. He fought the urge to read them. His main goal had been to verify Ryan was becoming a big part of her life. He'd checked the guy out. Ryan Donnelly. He had a clean record. His entire family was clean too. Born and raised upstate, had a steady job, owned his own apartment, a car. Fin had found nothing he could use to keep Amanda away from him. He'd always known this day could come and it wasn't such a surprise in itself. The surprise was that he disliked it so much. That the thought of having been with her for the very last time last week made him feel so very... sad. The fact that she didn't talk about Ryan with him told him she did have feelings for Ryan. He knew he had to let her go if this was what she wanted. He didn't have to like it though.

A little later they were all gathered at the table. Fin loved this. Amanda was always fun to be around and the kid was hilarious. The thought of not being able to sit like this the three of them put a damper on his mood though.

Once Fay was asleep and all tucked in she handed Fin a beer, grabbed a soda for herself and then they went to sit down on the couch. He grabbed her foot and she let him massage it a bit but stayed on guard in case he would want to take it further.

"I need to ask you something," she said. He just raised his eyebrow at her. Ryan had texted her the details for Saturday. Amanda hadn't said anything to Fay yet though, Fay could hardly remember what would happen from day to day so this weekend was a life time away for her anyway. And Amanda felt as though she needed to clear a few things before Ryan met Fay.  
"So, Ryan...," she started but stopped as she for some reason feared Fin's response. She decided she had to bring it up anyway.  
"He wants to meet Fay." She felt his hands stop moving. He reached for his beer on the table and she pulled her foot back a little.  
"He got us tickets for this circus upstate this weekend."  
"Okay," Fin said simply and had a taste of his beer.  
"Is that okay with you?" she watched him from underneath her bangs.  
"Yeah why shouldn't it be?" he tried to sound nonchalant. Amanda had a taste of her soda but didn't take her eyes off him. She felt disappointment grow inside as she thought about the fact they just never could discuss anything serious. This was something she needed him to pay a part in but as usual he just left it for her to decide.  
"Okay, so I'm gonna say okay then," she couldn't keep the sigh from her voice.  
"Sure, have fun, Fay will love the circus," Fin said and reached for the TV remote. Not much else was said and once Fin had finished his beer he got out of there. Amanda was left feeling she'd done something wrong.

**Since they needed to drive** for a while and Amanda had all necessary things in her car for travelling with a kid they decided to take her car. Ryan waited downstairs for them that morning. Fay was really excited the entire morning but Amanda figured it was more the circus than meeting Ryan. She did however want to dress nice for Ryan and picked her second best tee with a little monkey hiding in some trees on the front. Her favorite one, the one with the unicorn and rainbow on the front, was in the laundry basket unfortunately. Amanda tried to find a pair of skorts that worked with the tee and with a pair of light sandals on her feet they were ready to head out. Amanda had already picked her attire the evening before.

Fay held on to her mom's hand as they approached Ryan. Amanda feared Fay would become shy but it wasn't that bad. She stayed a bit quiet as Amanda made the introductions but as Ryan handed her a tiny blue unicorn on a keychain she quickly opened up.

"You knew I liked unicorns?" she smiled as she checked the keychain out from every angle.  
"Yes, your mama told me, she talks about you quite a bit you know," Ryan said. He'd sat down so he was at her level.  
"Yeah I know," Fay said and made Amanda chuckle.  
"And you knew I liked blue unicorns the best?"  
"That I did not know, lucky coincident," Ryan admitted.  
"I think every unicorn is blue like the sky from the beginning but then as they jump through the rainbow they get different colors," Fay let Ryan in on her theory. Amanda had heard it many times before but it was always fun to hear since it changed just a little every time.  
"Wow, I never thought of that. That makes a lot of sense Fay," Ryan said and Amanda gave him a smile.

"Okay so we better get going. My car's in the garage so we need to head downstairs," Amanda said and led the way. Ryan took the backpack that she was carrying off her shoulder and swung it up on his. Fay kept talking as they walked down. She asked Ryan what his favorite color was and as he answered blue she told him she would paint him a blue unicorn as a thank you card. She would try and make it similar to the keychain but she couldn't make any guarantees it would look just the same.

"I have a very unique style," she let Ryan know and again Amanda had to chuckle. She just never knew what treasures would come out of that mouth of hers. Amanda helped her get settled in her car seat as Fay kept talking to Ryan. Amanda asked if Ryan wanted to drive but he said he was fine sitting next to her. They both got in up front and Amanda got the coordinates for their goal into her car's GPS system.

"Ready for a road-trip Fay Fay?" she asked and shot her daughter a look in the back mirror. Fay nodded excitedly.  
"Ready?" Amanda asked and turned to Ryan.  
"Ready," he smiled.  
"Road-trip," Fay shrieked as they left the garage. It was a thing they did and it made Ryan chuckle. He had a feeling this would be a good day.

They figured the drive would take about 45 minutes and the aim was to get the entire way there but, depending on how late they ran at the circus, make some small stops on their way home. Perhaps even take a bath in the ocean. Amanda had packed for it at least and Ryan too. They had to make a short stop along the way as Fay needed the bathroom. Amanda thought it was just an excuse though as she usually could handle at least an hour in the car. She thought Fay wanted to drag it out because she had fun in the car. Ryan was good at road trips with kids.

They'd so far played 'I spy' and gotten through five verses of 99 bottles of milk. Ryan had promised her cotton candy at the circus so Fay didn't ask for anything as they stopped. She just went to the bathroom and then Amanda let her run back and forth to a wall two times.

"I have aunts in my legs that needs to be run-awayed," Fay said.  
"Ants," Amanda corrected her but let the run-awayed slip.  
"No it's actually more like nerves in my legs," Fay said as she came running back a second time.  
"Nerves eh?" Amanda smiled. When Amanda quizzed her about the nerves Fay let them know it was because she was so excited about the circus and all the animals they would see. All this was explained as her little legs paddled back and forth between the two grown-ups and the wall. Amanda could tell Ryan had a hard time keeping a straight face.

Back in the car Ryan asked her if she had any more talents except for drawing. Fay thought for a while and then answered;  
"I'm rather fast runner as you saw. Not as fast as mom though but for a kid my age."  
"And how old were you now again?" Ryan asked. Amanda saw Fay put up three fingers in the air. She knew Fay had trouble with pronouncing 'three' and she'd learnt by now it was better to just show the fingers straight away. Amanda was working with her though and it was improving. She would probably turn four before she could pronounce it properly though, Amanda tried to not work her too hard.

"Three and already a fast runner. I'm impressed."  
"Yes and even do I'm a preview too," Fay said and made Ryan raised an eyebrow.  
"Preemie Fay. You were a preemie," Amanda explained to them both as she held down a chuckle. Ryan smiled.  
"Very impressive. Anything else you're good at?" Ryan asked and Amanda watched again as her daughter thought hard about it. She'd never been one to brag and Amanda couldn't wait to hear if she'd come up with something else.

"I learnt to go on the toilet by myself when I was rather young," Fay suddenly said and Amanda bit her lip.  
"Oh yeah?" Ryan asked.  
"Yes. Right mom?"  
"Right," Amanda said and tried not to laugh. Ryan could tell she was holding it in but managed to keep a straight face.  
"That's very good, a good skill to have. I wet my bed until I was seven so you beat me with many years," Ryan confessed. Fay's nose crumbled but she tried to keep the smile on her face to not make Ryan feel bad.  
"Seven?" she repeated though and Ryan nodded.  
"Were you a lonely kid?" Fay asked and now Amanda couldn't keep the laugh down. Ryan started to chuckle too.  
"What?" Fay asked since she didn't get her own quick remark.

"No I wasn't that lonely actually. I had an older brother that made sure everyone was nice to me in school," Ryan answered her previous question.  
"What's your brother's name?"  
"Richard but everyone calls him Rick," Ryan let her know.  
"Like me," Fay smiled, "I'm Fay, no I mean I'm Faith but everyone calls me Fay."  
"Yes, just like that," Ryan smiled.  
"Does your brother look like you?"  
"A bit I guess."  
"I wish I had a brother. Or a sister," Fay said and it was the first Amanda had heard about that. She shot her a look in the back mirror but Fay had turned her head and was gazing out the window. Ryan turned back in his seat since he figured Fay had enough of talking to him but she hadn't.

"Can I meet your brother?" she asked.  
"Perhaps one day," Ryan suggested.  
"Does he like the circus?"  
"Yeah he does."  
"Maybe he can come with us next time?" Fay suggested.  
"Well let's just see how you behave today okay?" Amanda said.  
"I'll be good," Fay smiled, "you'll see. You're lucky to have me." It was Ryan's time to chuckle as Amanda just shook her head a little. She reached back and grabbed a hold of Fay's foot.  
"Well you are," Fay giggled as she tried to shake her mama's hand off. Amanda shot her a smile in the mirror.

**The car ride** went really well and it was only the last couple of minutes Fay started asking if they where there yet. But that was just cause she got excited as Ryan mentioned they were getting close. They were there in plenty of time before the actual show was going to start so they had time to walk around and watch the animals. Amanda made sure to keep a good eye on Fay since she knew how carried away she could get around animals. Fay wanted to tell Ryan everything she knew about the animals though so she had a good eye on where the adults were too.

She asked Ryan to read what was on every sign too that were hanging at the cages. When she learnt the animal's name she kept calling for them until they looked at her. They got stuck by the parrot's cage since one of the three birds refused to look at her. His name was Orbit and he completely ignored Fay's shouts. Ryan tried to help out too and then even threw small bird feeds at him to get a response. Amanda was starting to think the parrot was dead and stuffed but then Ryan hit it with a bird feed in its eye and then it angrily turned its head and stared at them. Even the evil eye made Fay jump around and shout 'victory' and Ryan was declared a hero.

They had some smaller rides set up on the area around the circus tent and cages and Fay got to ride one that looked like a caterpillar. Or 'pillarpillar' as she called it. Ryan and Amanda stood by the fence and watched her ride around. She was alone in the cart at the very front and she waved once she rode by them and then spent the rest of the ride just giggling on her own.

"She's really amazing," Ryan said and Amanda managed to tare her eyes from her daughter and gave Ryan a look.  
"Yeah she really is," she had to agree.  
"Was she born really premature?"  
"34th week so not too bad, she came out fine and developed well. It was just her speech that was delayed."  
"Well that seems to have caught up well," Ryan smiled and Amanda did too as she turned her head back towards her daughter that came around a second time and demanded waving.

Once the ride was over she came running down the ramp and jumped up her mother's arms.  
"Wouldn't it be awesome if there were pillarpillars like that all over the place and you could just ride them everywhere?" she mused as they headed back to the circus tent as Ryan had spotted they'd opened the doors. Before they headed inside they bought some drinks, popcorn and Fay got her cotton candy. She had trouble carrying it though as they headed towards the opening and her little arms started shaking the way they did when she got overly excited. Amanda asked Ryan to grab it so she could grab a hold of her kid to get her wired down a bit. Amanda felt her entire body shake as she held on to her and she stepped to the side and made Fay look at her.

"Hey squirt, can you handle this?" she asked and Fay nodded with a wide smile.  
"Can you wire down just an inch for mama? You're getting me wired too you know." Fay put her arms around Amanda's neck, squeezed her hard and took a few deep breaths.  
"It's just all the animals, they make me happy," Fay said.  
"I know, and that's fine I just want you to be able to enjoy it okay?" Amanda stroked her back.  
"I will mama," Fay said and let her go. Their lips met and then Amanda stepped back to Ryan who was waiting with a bit of a concerned look on his face.

"She okay?" he asked Amanda as he handed the man at the opening their tickets.  
"She's fine, just overly ecstatic, she gets like that sometimes," Amanda let him know to calm him down. She felt his hand over hers on Fay's back.

"So you want to sit up front or higher up. Where do you think you have a better view?" Ryan asked.  
"Up front," Fay immediately answered.  
"Up front it is," he said and led the way. They were among the first to enter so they had no problem finding seats right next to the ring. Amanda put Fay down between them and Ryan handed her back the cotton candy. Fay was still a bit bouncy which was obvious since she had a hard time sitting still. Amanda tried stroking her back a little and it had a calming effect on her.

"So Fay did you know I used to come here as a kid too?" Ryan tried to distract her a bit. Fay shook her head.  
"I did. I grew up not far from here and the circus have been coming by here almost every summer since I was your age."  
"That long?" Fay asked and it made Amanda chuckle.  
"Yes that long," Ryan said to Fay at the same time as he put a finger in Amanda's side to sorta shut her up. Amanda just chuckled more by him doing that though.

"What was your favorite animal when you was a kid Ryan?" Fay asked and put a large piece of cotton candy in her mouth. Some got stuck around her mouth and only added to the already pink shimmer around her lips.  
"The lion. Always the lion," Ryan let her know.  
"And now?"  
"I think it's still the lion."  
"Lions are great," Fay agreed. Ryan kept talking to her and soon Fay was sitting completely still in-between them. Amanda really appreciated his understanding and willingness to help out.

By the time the show was about to start Fay had finished the cotton candy and Amanda cleaned her face up. It was an amazing show. Fay was mesmerized most of the time. At times she crawled up her mom's lap, at others she stood up. She laughed and shouted when the acts asked the crowd to. She got to pet a small monkey as it came up on the hoop around the ring and even got to participate in a trick out on the ring during a clown's act with dogs. She was the youngest of three kids that got to come up but she handled herself perfectly and she stood absolutely still as three dogs in a row jumped over her head. Ryan had his camera phone up and recorded the whole thing. Amanda was so proud of her as she came back escorted by one of the clowns and one of the dogs. The clown hoisted her up and over the hoop and Amanda collected the overjoyed little girl. She'd gotten a woven flower that she showed Ryan first thing as she sat down in-between them.

It was truly an amazing show and the kids got to stay inside the tent after the show and pet some of the animals. Fay was the very last one to leave and Ryan had suspected there would be tears once they had to leave but he got proven wrong. Fay kept smiling even as they had to leave. She got to ride the pillarpillar again and then they left the car behind and took a stroll over the street to a restaurant for a late lunch. Fay kept talking about the animals and everything else she'd seen in the tent. Amanda had to remind her to eat her chicken tenders every now and then as she was talking so much. In the end they still ended up with half her food in a doggy bag for later. They took the car and drove a short while until they found a beautiful beach with not so many people around. Amanda took Fay to a changing area while Ryan stayed by the car and changed into his bathing shorts. Amanda kept her t-shirt over her bikini top as she felt a bit self conscious and with Fay in her bathing suit they went back to Ryan. He'd found the blanket in the back of her car and Amanda grabbed the bag with drinks and snacks and then they headed down to the beach.

They left the blanket and snack bag up on the beach and went down to the water edge with Fay swinging between them, holding on to their hands. Fay then quickly jumped into the water. Both Ryan and Amanda went out with her but since Fay stayed in the shallow water they only had water up to their knees at most. Fay and Ryan had a bit of a water fight but then Fay went over to showing him how a dolphin swam and then she went on to other animals. Ryan was impressed by her knowledge but Amanda could tell she was making most of them up as she went. Ryan probably knew as well and just played along.

Fay soon found a kid to play with on the beach. That was usually the case. She often found someone to play with wherever they went. Amanda said hi to the girl's parents who were sitting nearby. They seemed to have a few older kids around too. After a while Amanda and Ryan went up to sit on their blanket, it wasn't far from Fay and Amanda kept an eye on her the whole time. Ryan too, even though his eyes wandered over to Amanda every now and then. He was really enjoying his time with Amanda and Fay. He'd been nervous, more than nervous actually. He'd actually never dated anyone with a kid before. Thankfully he did have good contact with his sister's kids and could use that a bit. It did help also that Fay was a really adorable kid. She didn't seem anything like the kids he noticed throwing tantrums at the supermarket or the one's interrupting social gatherings with crying or loud complaints that they were bored.

"She looks like she's having fun," Ryan said finally as they'd been sitting quiet for a while. Amanda shot him a look and nodded.  
"She likes the beach," Amanda started but then added with a chuckle, "heck, she enjoys most things. She's easy to please."  
"Yeah, I kinda figured she was," Ryan smiled. Fay had found something in the sand, held it up as the other kid came running and then they laughed after they both let out a tiny shriek as Fay dropped whatever she was holding. Ryan figured it was something alive.

"Have you been alone with her the whole time?" Ryan asked carefully but then realized the question might get misunderstood and tried to explain;  
"I mean, I'm not asking about your dating history or anything, I was just thinking… her dad…"  
"It's okay, I got it," Amanda smiled but wasn't sure how to answer his question though.  
"I… I've never lived with her dad. She wasn't really planned. He's been around though, at times," Amanda shot Ryan a shy look. She wasn't sure what else to say and left it at that. Ryan thought it might be a sore subject and didn't probe more.

"I really had fun at the circus," he said instead, "I can't believe she went up there all on her own? Okay it wasn't lions on stage but still. Pretty gutsy."  
"She's a gutsy kid," Amanda smiled.  
"Really gutsy. Take after her mom perhaps?" Ryan said and put a light elbow in her side. He'd felt like touching her for quite some time, elbow had to do for now.  
"I'm not sure I'm all that gutsy," Amanda said shyly and readjusted her ponytail a bit.  
"You run around with a gun all day, chasing bad guys. That's gutsy in my book," Ryan said and leaned back a little on the blanket. Amanda followed his example, leaving her hand just an inch from his. Something Ryan of course noticed.  
"Yeah I guess that's kinda cool," Amanda said a bit cocky and tried to look a bit cocky too. Ryan chuckled and Amanda's face broke soon too.

Fay came running up to them and they both sat up a little.  
"Chelsea wants to see my new unicorn can I have it?" she asked quickly. Amanda went on a search in her pockets to find it.  
"Just make sure you don't lose it already okay?" she said meanwhile.  
"I won't," Fay reassured her.  
"You're having fun with Chelsea?" Ryan asked and Fay nodded all smiley. Amanda found the keychain and handed it to the kid and she shot off like a canon ball.

"Okay so she can probably stay here for the rest of the day," Amanda warned him.  
"I don't mind. I'm enjoying my company too," he said and met her eyes briefly. They watched the beach for a bit.  
"You wanna go for a swim?" Ryan asked after a while. Amanda really felt like it but she didn't want to take off her tee so she felt torn.  
"Nah, I think I'll stay dry today," she decided, "but you can go if you want to?"  
"Nah I'll rather stay with you," he said with his eyes on Fay who was running around the other kid in a circle for some reason.

They were sitting a little apart and when they sat up Amanda had placed her hands in her lap. She readjusted a little though and he caught the opportunity to grab her hand as it was down on the blanket close to his own. Amanda looked from her hand up to his face when it happen. She looked a bit stunned but then shot him a shy smile. His thumb had only caressed the top of her hand at first but when she didn't seem to object he dared to fully grab it and brought it over to his lap.

"I really don't mind spending time with my family but I still find it sad I have to leave for two weeks right now," he said. She wasn't sure what to say and just smiled at him. She didn't want him to go away either. She liked having someone to run with, someone that would hold her hand in public and that she shared so many common interests with.  
"You won't be anywhere near Florida for the next two weeks by any chance would you?" he asked and she chuckled as she used her free hand to brush a few lose strands of hair behind her ear.  
"I was planning a week or at least a weekend back home in Georgia sometime during the summer but there's still some distance there I'm afraid," Amanda smiled.  
"Going home to see your folks?" he asked and she nodded.  
"Well it's mostly for her sake, it's the only grandparents she has," Amanda said and nodded Fay's way.  
"And the only grandkid they have right?" Ryan asked and Amanda nodded.  
"Will your sister be there as well?"

"Maybe. Florida sounds a bit better as a vacation destination though. What do you and your family do while together?" she asked to get off the topic of her own family. Ryan told her about boat rides, scuba diving, snorkeling and fishing with his dad, brother and brother-in-law. Barbecues at the beach with the entire family, playing in the water with his sister's kid, going on rides down by the docks, an obligatory outlet visit for some shopping one day as ordered by his mother and sister. It all sounded very nice and normal and just so very… perfect. The thought of having just the slightest chance of being a part of that made her excited but it also scared the hell out of her.

"That sounds great," she said once he finally stopped talking.  
"It is, I have a feeling you and Fay would fit right in. You'd probably hand with the Donnelly boys more than the girls though," Ryan smiled and gave her a wink. Amanda felt her cheeks burn a little as she nodded and then looked back over at Fay hoping he wouldn't notice. She hoped the sun would cover the blush.

She quizzed him a little more about his family and what they liked to do while on vacation or just around his parent's home. He didn't mind sharing and she didn't have a problem picturing them as he told. She'd been picturing happy families in her head since she was a kid. She cut out models from the mail order catalogue. A smiling, neatly dressed mom. A smiling, handsome dad. A couple of smiling kids. Sometimes she cut out furniture too and placed them on a paper that was their home. She imagined them talking and really listening to each other. Imagined them laughing and hugging and caring about each other. It would be fun for a while. It would be fun until mom noticed she'd cut up the catalogue and she was rewarded a smack over the head. And until the cut outs flew all over the place by the wind draft her mom made as numerous slaps landed on Amanda's body. It wouldn't be so fun to spend time in that locked closet but at least at times she could fight the darkness with those images of happy families in the mail order catalogue.

**They let Fay play** for well over an hour as they kept talking on the blanket. The entire time he held her hand in his. He just seemed so kind. He talked about his family with such warmth and he seemed like he had nothing to hide. She imagined that in the dictionary beside the word 'gentleman' there would be a photo of him. Of Ryan Donnelly.

When they finally decided to break it up he went ahead with their stuff to the car as Amanda went to collect her daughter. She exchanged some words with the other girl's family as she let Fay wrap up their game. The family was from New York too and they ended up exchanging numbers just in case the girls felt like a play date later on. Fay gave Chelsea a hug and then waved goodbye to her family as she took Amanda's hand. She walked a few steps in the sand on her own but then made a sound that let Amanda knew she wanted to be picked up.

"You had fun?" Amanda asked when she was up in her arms. Fay nodded with her eyes glued to the unicorn keychain.  
"Chelsea thinks I should name her Buttercup but I think she's actually a him," Fay said with her thinking voice. Amanda placed a kiss on her daughter's temple.  
"He could still be named Buttercup though," Amanda suggested and Fay gave her a blank look.  
"Yeah I guess," she said after a few seconds and studied her new unicorn a little more.

Amanda placed her in the back of the car and stripped her off the bathing suit. Ryan politely gave them some distance. Amanda had thought about washing them off but Ryan had kept his trunks on and just put his tee back on so she figured she could just go in what she was wearing too. And Fay had dried up so she just swiped the towel over her a little to make sure the sand wouldn't shave underneath her clothes as they were put back on her. Fay said she needed the bathroom so they made a short drive up to a diner so she could go before they took off. They ended up buying ice-cream there too and were left sitting outside the diner on a brick wall for a while as they watched the beach in the distance.

Fay of course managed to spill ice-cream on herself but then a minute later Ryan did too and it made them all laugh out loud. Fay urged Amanda to do it too so she could belong to their spotted family. Amanda was quite happy to be the odd one out though and they headed back to the car. Ryan offered to drive and Amanda had no problem with it being used to Fin driving often. Fay seemed to get a little tired as they drove off, she never fully fell asleep but she stayed quiet for a while. They kept looking back at her and shot each other smiling looks. They talked a little with low voices about what music was best for long drives. It seemed he didn't share her like for good old country music but he admitted he'd never given it a chance so who know, maybe there was an old cowboy lurking below the surface. It made Amanda snort and she covered her mouth and nose as she shot Fay a look. She kept leaning back in her seat though with her eyes somewhere in the distance outside the window.

"She's not really ready to give in just yet is she?" Ryan asked with a whispered as he too had shot Fay a look through the back mirror. Amanda shook her head.  
"It is her usual nap time though," Amanda said as she noticed the clock on the dashboard.

A few minutes later though as they started to get near the city Fay's voice was heard again as she started with the 94th bottle of milk on the wall. It made Ryan laugh and Fay seemed pleased with herself. Amanda joined in and they got to 91st before Fay grew bored and instead wanted to talk about all the animals they'd seen today. Ryan told Amanda not to forget to remind him to send over that recording of Fay up in the ring and Amanda promised. That one she'd like to save herself so.

Ryan asked if home was their destination as they got further into the city but Fay protested loudly.  
"I don't want to go home yet mama," she whined. Amanda shot her a look though and the whining disappeared quickly from her voice.  
"I want to stay with Ryan though," Fay said.  
"I saw you had a set of tailball back there, wanna go to Central Park for a while?" Ryan suggested and before Amanda could answer Fay had given her approval.  
"Yay, Central Park," she shouted, "I suck at tailball though." Amanda made a stunned face.  
"I do. Fin says so," Fay said and held out her hands in the air to explain herself.  
"Fin, that's your…"  
"Partner," Amanda filled in.  
"I worship Fin," came Fay's voice from the back. Ryan shot her a look through the back mirror.  
"He told me to say that," Fay added and Ryan looked to Amanda.  
"You have to meet him," she tried shaking it off as nothing. Ryan smiled.  
"I would love that," he said and Amanda shot him a nervous smile.

**The traffic in** was rather bad but finally they got there. Then there was a problem with parking though. They found one rather far away from the park. Ryan handed Amanda the blanket and then grabbed the backpack and the set of tailball. Fay grabbed a hold of their free hands and then they walked towards the park. The park was still buzzing but the masses had cleared for the day and they found a green spot without having to walk for long. Ryan grabbed one racket and backed up a little as Amanda stayed behind Fay who had the other racket attached to her hand. Her hand was a little tiny for the grip and Amanda had already figured out that was what was causing her hassle with catching the ball properly. For a three and a half year old she did have a good ball control.

Ryan threw the ball at her finally and it bounced off the back of her racket to the ground. Fay got it up quickly though and tossed it back. Ryan was impressed by her overhand throw and let her know. Fay beamed. They went on like that for a while, Fay managed to catch only a few of Ryan's throws but didn't let it bring her down. Amanda made sure to cheer her on.

Soon Fay wanted Ryan and Amanda to throw the tailball between them and she would try and catch it. She made up new rules as they went until finally she had a fair chance to catch the ball. At one point Ryan managed to throw the ball right in Fay's face, not on purpose of course, but Amanda could see how guilty he felt as Fay fell backwards. Amanda knew Fay was tough but as she stayed down for a bit she figured it might have hurt her after all. Both Amanda and Ryan of course rushed forward, Ryan perhaps even more so, but as he leaned in over her Fay said with a rather grim voice:

"I got it, you're out." She clutched the ball close to her chest.

Amanda wasn't sure what made her laugh the hardest, Fay's awesome humor or Ryan's face. She was leaning more towards Ryan's face. His face changed quickly as he got Fay was okay though and the relief set in. He gave Amanda a mischievous smile and then grabbed her as she kept laughing. They stumbled over and landed on their knees right next to each other. He kept tickling her which only made her laugh more.

"Hey, hey," Fay suddenly interrupted them and they both quiet down.  
"I'm the one that was hurt here," she said and gave them a no-nonsense look.  
"I know, I'm sorry sweetie," Amanda said and extended her hands. Fay ran the few steps over with a big smile.  
"Are you okay Fay, I'm so so sorry," Ryan said and touched her hair gently. Fay just smiled at him from her mom's warm embrace.  
"I'm okay," she said.

"I'm not as ticklish as mama you know," she let him know.  
"No?" Ryan asked with a shake of his head.  
"No, she's very ticklish," Fay said and tried to wink with her eyebrows the way Fin always did at her.  
"Oh," Ryan said and got his hands up.  
"Oh no," Amanda said as she knew what was coming. His hands dug into her side as Fay went for her neck.  
"No fair," Amanda laughed as she fell down over with Fay landing on top of her and with Ryan by her side.

Minutes later they all lay exhausted by each other's sides, Amanda a little more exhausted then the rest of them having laughed so hard.  
"I told you she was very ticklish," Fay said as she reached up and touched Ryan's cheek. Fay was in-between the two and Amanda looked over and saw her daughter's hand on his cheek. Ryan smiled at Amanda as his eyes left Fay. He truly seemed like a genuinely nice guy she thought to herself. He reached out and touched Amanda's forehead as he'd been able to read her mind and wanted to say thanks. Amanda could have stayed put for a while but a dog ran up to them and of course Fay jumped up at once.

"Can I, can I, can I?" she asked and tried desperately to keep her hands behind her back. Amanda had told her she could not pet dogs until she asked the owner's permission. She forgot at times but this time she managed to remember. And the dog was even sniffing her. Amanda sat up and found the owner nearby.  
"Is it okay if she pet him?" Amanda asked him loudly and he nodded.  
"Hi doggie," Fay was already sitting down on her knees by the dog, stroking him gently. The dog licked her face and she started to giggle hard. Ryan had sat up too and came crawling over to Amanda. He sat down so close she felt his shoulder against her back.

The dog owner came walking over and Fay asked him everything about the dog - his name, age and even his parent's names which the dog owner didn't know. Fay then told him they'd been to the circus and that she had dogs jumping over her head. Amanda shook her head a little as she listen to her little one just go on and on. She felt Ryan's hand on her back and she shot him a look over the shoulder. His hand came up to her shoulder and he squeezed it gently as he smiled at her.

After a while Amanda let Fay know that the dog probably wanted to keep going on his walk now and she pulled her into her embrace as they said goodbye to the dog and his owner.  
"Oh he was so cute. Wasn't he cute Ryan?" Fay asked and turned her head towards him.  
"Cesar was really cute," Ryan agreed.

Amanda dug out the tube with soap bubbles that she only noticed was still in there when they were at the beach earlier. She blew some and let Fay chase them all over the grass. Fay wanted Ryan to blow some and he got to re-experience blowing bubbles, it had been ages since he'd done that last.

When they got back to the car it was already six o'clock. Ryan was delighted he was still with them. He'd figured it would just be the circus and the car rides back and forth but as the day went on he just didn't want to leave. Going home to his empty apartment seemed so boring compared to spending time with this beautiful and smart woman and her charming kid. He knew he had a habit of being too pushy though so he tried to just go with the flow. So far he didn't think he was overstaying his welcome. And when Fay said she was hungry and she wanted Ryan to eat with them he felt overjoyed but stayed calm and collected and let Amanda decide if he was welcome or not.

"Are you sure you don't have any other plans?" Amanda reassured. Ryan shook his head.  
"Please mama," Fay begged.  
"Well sure, I don't mind at all," Amanda said and Ryan couldn't keep his smile going from ear to ear.  
"You wanna eat out or," Amanda started but Ryan shrug his shoulders since he wanted them to make the choice.  
"Meatballs," Fay suddenly shouted.  
"Have you been?" Amanda asked Ryan and he shook his head since he really wasn't following.  
"The restaurant on Bedford avenue?" Again Ryan shook his head.  
"You like meatballs? They really have the best ones," Amanda said, "but they have sandwiches too with like chicken or vegetables. We usually order to go. We can eat at our place?" It was a suggestion from Amanda that Ryan loved. He couldn't wait to see their place.  
"Okay let's go then," Amanda said.  
"Yay, snickerdoodle," Fay shouted as she climbed into the car.  
"It's a cookie she always gets when we go there," Amanda explained to Ryan as he got in on the passenger side while Amanda buckled Fay in. She got behind the wheel and drove them over the bridge. They parked outside the restaurant and went inside.

"Cool place," Ryan smiled as they stepped inside. Every table was filled so it must be a popular place. Ryan followed them towards the counter.  
"The coolest," Fay mused, "that's Binky." Fay pointed to the man behind the counter.  
"Eat her a lot?" Ryan asked Amanda with a raised eyebrow and a smile.  
"Guilty," Amanda admitted right before she said hi to Binky behind the counter.  
"Well if it isn't little miss Fay Fay and her mama," the man smiled, "how are we today?" Fay had climbed up on to a high wooden chair by the counter. Amanda kept her hand in the air behind her just in case.  
"We've been to the circus," Fay smiled, "I had dogs jumping over my head."  
"No kiddin?" Binky asked with big eyes.  
"For true. It was awesome."  
"I bet," Binky chuckled, "so what can I get you more than a snickerdoodle then?"

Amanda gave him Fay's usual order and then picked her own from the daily's. Amanda turned to Ryan and he went with almost what she ordered for herself.  
"I'll get it for you straight away, be right back," Binky said and started to walk into the kitchen.  
"Don't forget the snickerdoodle," Fay shouted after him. Amanda was right there and told her to tune it down since people were eating.  
"Never," Binky shouted back though and Fay smiled mischievously. Amanda turned to Ryan.  
"Can I treat you this time?" Amanda asked, "you've paid for everything else today."  
"Not the gas," he corrected her.  
"Please?" she asked and he nodded after a slight hesitation.

Binky came back within minutes and handed Ryan two paper bags with containers and then he fished up a smaller paper bag out of his apron pocket and handed it to a smiling Fay. She said thank you and then turned to Ryan and asked if she could go on his back. He feared he wouldn't really be able to hold on to her with the bags in his hands but he really didn't want to turn her down and thought he would figure it out.

"Jump up," he said as he turned. Amanda watched them a little out of the corner of her eye as she settled their bill. The food was cheap here so she managed a good tip that she left in the jar and thanked Binky before she hurried after the two. Ryan didn't have to worry as Fay clung on to him as skillful as a monkey baby. As they got to the car Amanda helped her daughter down off his back and brought her around the car to buckle her in again. Ryan put the bags in the seat next to Fay and then jumped in the front.

Fay made up her own song in the back as they drove the last bit. There was something about a perfectly round meatball, how the divine smell made a rumbly in her tumbly and how she soon would eat the meatball. Ryan chuckled and Amanda looked over at him and smiled. Ryan thought it smelled divine too in the car but he was a little more excited to see their apartment. Once parked down in her garage he got his bag and the paper bags while Amanda grabbed a hold of Fay and the backpack in the back.

They rode the elevator up under silence but Ryan and Amanda's eyes met from time to time. Fay was occupied with some string hanging from the backpack. Once they reached their floor though Fay wanted to get down and she ran down the hall shouting how she wanted to show Ryan her room first. Amanda told her to hush down and that she could do that. Fay was jumping up and down a little as she eagerly waited for Amanda to get the door unlocked.

"Hey, slow down, he's not going anywhere but inside," Amanda told her but it didn't stop her from jumping up and down. Fay was the first one in and her sandals flew here and there as she sat down to get them off.  
"Common Ryan, see my room," she said and again Amanda told her to slow down.  
"Let me take those and just go with her cause she's gonna keep nagging," Amanda said and took the paper bags from him. He put his own back pack down on the floor and when he took a step inside Fay grabbed his hand and pulled him with her down the hall. Ryan looked around the living room quickly, he liked what he saw so far.

Amanda went into the kitchen with the food. She put the oven on and put the food inside so they'd keep warm as she wasn't sure how long Fay would keep him occupied. Then she sneaked back into the living room and quickly went over it with her eyes and then shuffled some stuff down underneath the table and hid some of Fay's toys behind the couch. It had to do she thought to herself and went back to the kitchen to empty out the back pack from today's clutter.

She wanted to check that her bedroom would clear an inspection too before Ryan got there and she sneaked by Fay's bedroom unnoticed. She gave it the same quick make-over as the living room and then took a look inside the bathroom. It just had to do, she had no time for miracles she sighed. She went back into her bedroom and quickly jumped out of her bath trunks and got into a pair of panties and a regular pair of shorts. Then she headed back down the hallway and peaked inside Fay's room. Ryan was sitting on Fay's bed as Fay went through her toy bin, apparently letting him know every toy's name and origin.

"Hey," she said and he looked up, "you wanna change, shower, before we eat?"  
"If you don't mind my attire I don't?" he said and Amanda's smile let him know he passed.  
"Okay, so Fay, maybe we can eat and then you can keep introducing your toys to Ryan after?" she suggested and Fay said okay. She and Ryan exited and Amanda just pointed down the hall.

"So that's my bedroom and you have the toilet there to the left if you need it," she let him know. He was curious to see her bedroom but could wait. They headed back to the kitchen and Amanda asked him what he wanted to drink. Fay helped her carry over drinks to the table which took her back and forth three times. Ryan took the plates and utensils as she handed them to him with a smile. Amanda got the containers out and put them all on the table. Once opened and she'd figured out which one was Fay's she served her daughter first. She noticed Ryan waited for her after he'd put his food on his plate but Fay just dug in before Amanda had even gotten her dish on the plate.

"Eat while it's hot," Amanda let Ryan know.  
"Pig out," Fay said with half a meatball stuffed in her mouth.  
"I hope you'll like it just as much as we do," Amanda just said.  
"It looks really good, and smells the same," Ryan said and picked up his fork. First bite put a even wider smile on his face and he nodded.

"Good eh?" Amanda said and got more nods from him. Fay kept quiet a while as she ate but after a while she got talking again and wanted to know Ryan and Amanda's favorite parts of the circus. Ryan said it was when this adorable three year old was in the ring and there were dogs flying over her head. Amanda had to agree. Fay was pleased and she reenacted the number and managed to fling a piece of meatball across the kitchen. Amanda was used to it, they had numerous spots on the wall by the table that was caused by flying food as Fay often was very animated. Amanda just went to pick it up, threw it in the bin and came back to the table.

"That was a little cloudy with a chance of meatballs," Fay said and it made both her and Amanda laugh out loud. Ryan didn't get it.  
"It's a movie, an animated one," Amanda explained with a headshake as she settled down.  
"Have to admit I haven't seen that many animated ones," Ryan confessed.  
"They're the best," Fay said, "maybe we can go to the movies sometimes? All three of us."  
"I'd love that," Ryan said quickly. Amanda nodded with a smile.

Fay went on to tell Ryan about her favorite movies and then she quizzed him about his favorites. It seemed that he, again, shared some common interests and likes with Amanda. He also had a thing for Wes Anderson's dysfunctional families and he liked Tim Burton's dark humor. Amanda wasn't used to this whole compatibility but she thought she could get used to it rather quickly. He caught her looking at him and he shot her a smile. She looked caught red-handed and it made him warm all over. It seemed he wasn't the only one daydreaming a little about this new relationship of theirs. He reached out and touched her knee a little as she looked away with some blush spreading over her cheeks. She shot him a shy smile and it was the most adorable smile he'd seen.

After they'd cleared their plates, that how good the food was, Fay had her cookie and was kind enough to let Ryan and Amanda have a small piece of it each. Amanda put some coffee on and as it was brewing they had a look around the rest of her apartment. It felt a little embarrassing having him in her bedroom for some reason even though he stayed mostly by the wall and just checked it out with his eyes. He commented on the lovely photos she had of Fay on the wall. They headed back out into the living room as Fay wanted to show him some photos they had in the living room. Amanda took a detour passed the kitchen and got them two cups of coffee and then joined them on the couch.

"It's still a little hot," Amanda warned him and he put the cup down on the table to let it cool off. Fay had gotten a photo album out, it was the only one they had actually. After Kim cleaned out her place and the few photo albums they had disappeared Amanda had felt reluctant to go through it again. She learnt at an early age to keep memories on the inside since physical ones could easily get lost. Or stolen. Or left on a curb as you had to flee an apartment that your mom hadn't paid rent for the last month.

But when you had a kid, Amanda had realized, some items were necessary to have around. And items did make up a home even if the people in it would always be more important. The old photo albums had been ones she'd ordered online and all the photos was still saved there and she'd made one, a little thicker, album with photos of Fay from birth to present. Ryan loved going through the photos with Fay. She had to ask her mom a lot of times where and when the photo was taken. Ryan adored the photos of the newborn Fay. She was so tiny but still perfect with that little beanie and the oxygen line under her nose. Ryan also liked seeing Amanda, even though she most often was behind the camera but there were some of her with Fay in her arms.

He did see this detective Fin in some of the photos, it seemed they hung out quite a lot. He had picked up that Fay mentioned him from time to time. Other than Fin he only found one photo of Fay with her grandmother. He could see Amanda had her mother's genes. At least the physical ones even though her mom did not have the same kind smile as Amanda did. He would not tell her that part though. He got to see a photo of her sister too.

"She kidnapped me once," Fay said suddenly though and Amanda froze a bit. Ryan looked to Amanda.  
"It was a misunderstanding," Amanda said with a low voice, gestured it off like nothing and immediately felt bad. She was glad Fay seemed distracted by the next page in the album and hadn't heard her. She did not want to lie to her daughter but she just felt it was way too soon to even scratch on the surface of her messed up family. Ryan didn't pry thankfully.

Amanda had noticed that Fay yawned as they reached the end of the album and figured she probably had to call it a night soon with Ryan so she could get Fay to bed. It felt a bit sad that this day would come to an end. It had been pretty much a perfect day. Ryan told Fay he had some photos in his phone and she ran to get it from his backpack by the front door. Fay got up in his lap and sat there while they went through the gallery in his phone. Amanda came in a little closer so she could have a look too.

She could see he brushed by a few rather quickly, they were of him hanging in some bar with his friends. Nothing PG but she thought it caring of him to still wanting to shield Fay from that. Fay loved the photos of his niece and nephew. Amanda liked seeing Ryan with them. They ended up watching the recording of Fay at the circus a few times. It made them all laugh. Amanda said it was enough after the fifth time though and Fay spun around so she faced Ryan.

"Thank you so much for taking us to the circus Ryan," she said all smiley.  
"You're very welcome. I had very fun. This entire day has been really fun," Ryan said and looked over at Amanda too. She couldn't object.  
"Wait here," Fay suddenly said, "I'm going to give you something." She took off sprinting down the hall. Amanda watched her disappear and then turned back to Ryan.

"It's probably a drawing and it's usually a unicorn. You should guess unicorn, rainbow or ocean. It's the safest bet," Amanda said quickly. Ryan chuckled.  
"On rare occasions it can be a wild thing too."  
"A wild thing?"  
"You know the book, where the wild things are?"  
"Oh yeah, one of my favorites as a kid."  
"Fay's too even though it scares her," Amanda let him know. The room fell a bit quiet as they just waited.

"I want to thank you too, for taking us today. Fay loved it as you hopefully can tell," Amanda said to fill the void with something as they waited.  
"And her mom? Did she have fun too?" Ryan asked and Amanda nodded.  
"Good. I thought it went really well. I have to admit I was a bit nervous. Feared the kid would hate me or something," Ryan confessed.  
"That kid doesn't hate much," Amanda said with a slight chuckle.  
"I've noticed. You did a good job raising her," Ryan said and his hand landed on top of her knee that was pulled up a little on the couch next to him. She watched the hand and then her eyes went up to meet his.  
"Thanks," she smiled shyly. He felt very much like kissing her there and then. The moment had been perfect if they weren't expecting a kid to rush back in any second. He couldn't get his hand off her knee though. Her skin was so soft and warm and his thumb couldn't stop moving back and forth a little.

Amanda felt the tension in the room, or perhaps it was only inside her. She liked the way his hand touched her knee but it also made her nervous. She shot a nervous look down the hall. Still no Fay.

"I'm just gonna see what's keeping her," Amanda said, waited until he pulled his hand back and then got up leaving her cup on the table. He reached for his as he watched her exit. She looked damn good in those shorts he couldn't help thinking. He took a zip of his coffee but since it was cold he just held on to the cup for a bit as he let his eyes go around the room. He soon heard a psst though and looked back over where he'd last seen Amanda. She was peaking around the corner and gestured him over with a smile on her face. He put his cup down and hurried over.

"You have to see this," she whispered and then shuffled silently down the hall. He walked after. They passed Fay's bedroom and then she stopped by her bedroom door and shot him an amused smile before she took a step inside. Ryan couldn't hold down a 'oh' as he saw the tiny little figure all sprawled out on her mom's bed. She was turned the wrong way, faced down and snoozing comfortable. Amanda shot him a smile as she tip toed over to the bed. She knew Fay was a heavy sleeper but it still felt natural to tip toe. Ryan stayed by the door and watched as Amanda put a blanket over her. She rearranged her arm and head just slightly, planted a light kiss on her forehead and then turned the bed side lamp on as she headed back over towards Ryan. She turned the light off at the door and then shut the door a little before they headed back down towards the living room.

"Wiped out," Amanda said cheerful as they got a little further down.  
"That was one of the most precious things I've ever seen," Ryan told her as he spun around in the middle of the living room.  
"She is precious, asleep," Amanda joked. Ryan just smiled. He felt a little unsure if this meant the day was over or if he could sit back down on the couch.  
"You mind me sitting down for a bit, finish the coffee," Ryan asked a bit carefully.

"Sure, the coffee yeah," she said a bit nervously and bit her lip as he turned his back to walk over to the couch. He sat down and grabbed his cup. He knew it was a bit too cold for his liking by now but if drinking it meant he could linger a bit he'd do it. She sat down at about the same spot as earlier but left her cup on the table. She leaned her elbow on the couch and leaned her head into her hand a little as she tried to act casual even though she felt a bit anxious on the inside. He took a zip of his cold coffee and tried to act as though it tasted okay. He held his cup in his lap for a bit as he let his eyes wander over to her.

"So when are you leaving for Florida?" she asked even though she knew it was Monday morning.  
"Early Monday we fly down. We rented a car for the two weeks and we'll meet my sister and her family at the house when we get there," Ryan told her.  
"Like flying?" she asked just to say something. Ryan got an indecisive look on his face.  
"Not sure I like it but it does get you where you're going fast." Amanda nodded in agreement.  
"Can I call you while I'm down there?" he asked.  
"Yeah, sure," she said a little hesitant.  
"Don't worry I won't call you every day, every hour," he smiled, "I'll just check in once, or twice." He leaned forward and put his cup back on the table.  
"I'm not worried," she said as she fiddled a little with her hair. He moved up on the couch, got his leg up a little mimicking her pose.  
"I like talking to you that's all," he said. He put his arm down on the frame of the couch and his hand landed right by her elbow. She was very aware of how close his hand was but tried not to sway her eyes that way. Unconsciously though she wet her lips and he couldn't take his eyes of them for a second.

She felt as though the room felt very warm all of a sudden. She was still only in her bikini top, tee and shorts and she managed to somehow feel sweaty but exposed. She'd stayed away from his kind, brown eyes for too long and she had to look at them again. He smiled. He looked so kind she wasn't sure she'd ever seen someone give away such strong vibes of kindness. And at the same time he was fine. He was damn fine and she felt a hint of desire in her gut. A desire she had to try and ignore because it felt like it could come bursting out of her gut if she didn't. And then his fingers came up on her elbow and it didn't help with the ignoring part. He stroked her arm gently and it made her unfold her arm so it landed next to his.

"I like talking to you a lot," he whispered as his hand travelled over her arm and up to her cheek.  
"I like _you_ a lot," he continued as she leaned in just slightly into his palm. She couldn't keep her eyes on his. It felt like it hurt when she looked at him. His thumb played over her cheek and finally she had to look at him again.  
"Is it okay if I like you?" he asked with a smile. She swallowed hard but then nodded barely detectable.  
"Good, I'd prepared to beg a little but this makes it easier, and me less pitiful."

Amanda had to chuckle and it felt nice. Made her relax just a little. She'd bent forward a little as she chuckled and his hand fell down on the side of her neck. He liked that he'd been able to make her laugh, he'd noticed she'd tensed up. Once she came back up though she quickly got a serious face. She could see his eyes going from hers down to her mouth and even though she tried she couldn't help but bite down on her lip. She felt his hand around the side of her neck travel back some and then as he slowly leaned in he used his hand to urge her to meet him. She didn't have time to think, she just followed his lead and soon his lips were on hers. Warm, soft lips. She noticed a hint of coffee still on his breath as he moved himself closer to her and her eyes fell shut.

His free hand came up on her hip, moved up a little to her midsection. His other hand found its way up into her hair a little, she felt his fingers entwine there. Their lips just went over each others for quite some time. He was in no rush, wanted the moment to last. He'd only planned to linger on her lips a short while but now he felt himself unable to stop. He didn't want it to end. Ever. He intensified the kiss a little, tried to get her to open her lips. When she responded he felt pleased for a short second but then the lust overtook him again. He wrapped his arm around her and pulled her in closer. He turned his head the other way and he dared to taste the bottom of her lip. The one she so often bit down onto.

He sucked it in a little as he didn't dare to bite on it. He felt her respond when he treated her lip a little harder, she pushed up against him a little harder and it allowed him to take it further. His tongue swept over the gap in her lips and as she separated them even more he took it as allowance to move inside. He used his hand in her hair to hold her tight as his tongue went inside and he felt a jolt all the way down to his stomach as her tongue came to meet him. God she was amazing. He really hadn't meant to do more than kiss her but he felt himself fall down over her on the couch.

She unfolded her leg as she felt him move in over her and then she let herself be guided down. Their legs stayed mostly by the side of the couch but as the kiss intensified even more, tongues roaming around and in and out and saliva being exchanged, the rest of their bodies travelled up upon the couch as well. He stayed by her side though, his lower body only slightly leaning against hers. His one hand lay mostly still underneath her head while the other one had moved back down to her hip. He let it travel up and down her side a little as he concentrated more on how good she tasted and how well their lips fitted. Her hands had gone up around his neck and he felt her slender fingers play around in his hair a little. Her touch and the way she tasted made him excited, yes it made him hard and he tried not to push up against her too much.

It had been a while now since he'd been with a woman, he was coming up on five months actually. He'd never been one for one night stands and masturbation left him feeling mostly empty and shameful. Being without sex for so long wasn't the reason he now felt himself get excited. This wasn't just any woman, he thought this was _the_ woman. He'd felt it almost immediately, back there at the book store. He'd tried to play it down a little though, knowing he'd been in similar situations before and it had only landed him heartbreak. But she had been special from the very start. The only feeling coming close to the one he felt when with Amanda was the one he had for Cindy in 2nd grade. He'd set fire to his baseball cards only to prove his love for her. But this was the same feelings but in a grown up way. This was what he'd been searching for all these years. He felt it.

She didn't feel warm any longer, she felt hot. His lips tasted so good and she loved the way his hair felt underneath her fingers. She wasn't used to have her fingers entangled in hair while kissing. It felt so good just kissing. Kissing was nice. For a moment it was all she could think about. But then she felt his hand, the one that had been stroking her side so nicely during all that kissing, come up over her stomach. It still felt nice though. But then she felt him slowly starting to tug at it. She felt the air on her skin as a gap emerged between her tee and shorts. The lights were all lit and they pierced her eyes as she opened them up. She pinched them shut but she knew she had to break this up and she pushed him away a little as she pulled herself up towards the arm of the couch. He sat up suddenly, looked stunned, lips still throbbing. He saw her lick her lips before she pinched them shut, her hand pulled down her tee as she pulled her legs to her. She looked scared. He feared he'd gone too far, too fast.


	31. The good, the bad, the ugly

**Okay, I've warned you. Here's the chapter. I did question whether or not to go with my initial idea/thought or not, I fear I'm putting a rift between the two that can't be fixed. But I decided to run with it and see where it takes me/us/Finanda. I need something to shake Fin to the core cause I'm just not seeing any character development in him & can't seem to write it without something major happening. And since I don't want to put another bullet in Amanda I'm doing it this way.  
****It's a rather short chapter, for my standards anyway, but I promise to post the next one as soon as I possible can to not keep you hanging for too long... I don't dare to wish you happy reading this time... Let's just get back to Amanda's living room and the interrupted make out session with Ryan...**

**XXX**

She pushed him away a little as she pulled herself up towards the arm of the couch. He sat up suddenly, looked stunned, lips still throbbing. He saw her lick her lips before she pinched them shut, her hand pulled down her tee as she pulled her legs to her. She looked a bit scared. He wasn't sure what was going on. Had he again been too fast too soon?

"I'm sorry," he said as fast as he got his breathe back, "I didn't mean to." He said but wasn't sure what he had planned to say. Her withdrawal came so sudden.  
"I'm sorry," he repeated.

"No, it's okay, I just…" she hadn't really gotten her breathe back and with the embarrassment that struck her suddenly she had trouble forming anything sensible right now. Here she was crawling together like some baby right after they'd smooched. He must think I'm a loon she thought to herself as she watched his face. He wet his lips and nervously stroked his hand through his hair. Amanda took a deep breath and let go a little of her legs that she'd clenched to her body.

"I'm sorry," she said, "I…" She still wasn't sure what to say. He turned a little on the couch, got his leg up. It was to be able to look at her better but also to try and cover up the slight hard on he was still feeling pressing up against the light fabric in his shorts.

"What?" he asked as his face turned from stunned back to kind again. He really wanted to know and his consideration warmed her heart.  
"I'm sorry if I went too far too fast," he said when she didn't reply.

"No," she said and shook her head, "it's not that. Not at all." She managed to give him a smile and that, along with her words, made him feel just a little bit better. He turned to her even more, fully intending to listen to whatever she had to say. She let her legs go completely and made them fall to the side as she fingered on the hem of her shorts a bit nervously. Her eyes had briefly gone down to the space between them on the couch.

"I…" she started but again trailed off. She gave him a look and the smile he shot her just made her feel like she could tell him whatever and he would understand her without any questions.  
"Gayle told you, and we brushed by it briefly a while ago," she had to take a breath but continued; "I was shot." He nodded. He had not forgotten that. Not at all.  
"I told you it was pretty bad," she said and he nodded as he remembered.

"Well it certainly wasn't pretty, it was mostly bad. I got shot twice. One went through me sideways and the other one went straight by my heart. I spent days… no weeks, 17 days on a ventilator." Ryan gasped a little as he got the severity of it. Amanda shot him a nervous smile and stirred a little under his watchful gaze.

"But I mean I made it so," she shook her head a little and used a more upbeat voice to get the mood up a bit in the room. She didn't quite succeed though. Ryan still looked grim. She tugged at her shorts a little again but tried to sit up a bit straighter on the couch.  
"It's just… it left me kinda scarred."

"Was that why you didn't want to take a swim today?" he asked and she just looked at him for a while but then finally nodded slightly. She hadn't been comfortable taking her tee off right now and not earlier either. She knew she shouldn't be so self conscious, that it was egocentric of her but she couldn't fight it.

"I try not to let it bother me cause I don't want Fay to ever think that scars makes you ugly or should be looked down on or anything, it's just…"  
"It was me?" Ryan suggested and actually felt good about the notion. It meant she cared what he thought of her. She nodded as it was no point denying it. He reached out, put his hand, palm up, on her leg and she put her hand in his without hesitation. He squeezed it a little.

"You had major surgery?" he asked and again she nodded.  
"Five hours, they did open heart surgery and then went back in for another three hours to fix the damage to my intestines." Ryan made a face that made her understand he got how bad of an operation that was.  
"You have the open heart surgery scar?" he asked and she nodded.  
"My dad had a heart attack two years ago, he has it too," he let her know so she'd know he knew what it look liked. Amanda gave him a sympathetic look.

"You have a scar on your stomach too?" he asked and again she nodded.  
"The bullet went through from side to side but they had to cut me open at the front since I had internal bleeding both in my chest and in my stomach area."  
"Any remaining repercussions?" he asked and it felt good that she could shake her head this time around.  
"Just the scars," she said and felt his hand squeeze hers again. There was a silent pause, not awkward, just silent.

"Well just so you know," he started and waited for her to look up at him before he continued; "I wasn't aiming to go through all the bases tonight. I just got carried away." It made her chuckle a little.  
"So you're not a third date rule kinda guy?" she asked with a cheeky smile. He chuckled and gave it a quick thought.

"I count this as our tenth date. Three at the book circle, not counting the debacle before the first one but we did have coffee afterwards so it's a date in my book. Dinner twice, running four times and today. That makes ten." She thought it was so sweet he'd been counting.  
"So I'm really not a third date rule kinda guy, I love running the bases a few times as warm-up. You need practice before a home-run." She felt her cheeks blush. Okay, he'd taken that analogy a step too far he realized but he didn't mind making a fool out of himself in front of her. That fact told him a lot about just how right she was for him.

"But seriously," he said and shook her hand a little to make a point, "a couple of scars won't scare me. I see only beauty when I look at you." If her cheeks hadn't burnt before they did now. What had she done to deserve this sweet guy? He shot her the most adorable smile and she felt her eyes tear up a little. She'd already made a fool of herself once tonight and didn't plan to repeat it so she moved into him and buried her face by his neck as his arm draped around her. She snaked her arms around his waist and just let herself be held. It felt really good. Nothing more was said that night. They ended up laying down with their arms wrapped around each other and even though the clock was still young they fell asleep. And to Amanda's shock they slept all the way till the morning.

**Fay had woken up** around midnight, found them on the couch but let them sleep and headed into her own bedroom where she quickly fell asleep again. Ryan sneaked out in the wee hour of the morning. Amanda offered him breakfast but he said he was still filled with meatballs which made her smile. He gave her a long hug at the door, said he would miss her but would call and then they kissed before he left. Amanda was left standing with her back to the door for a while. She touched her lips where Ryan's just had been. She smiled. So this was what it felt like to have a boyfriend? She'd forgotten this feeling. She liked this feeling.

Once she managed to pull away from the wall she went by Fay's room and throw a glance inside. She wondered when she'd swooped beds. Amanda headed down to the bathroom and pulled her tee over her head. She was left in her bikini top by the mirror and she let her fingers go down the scar on her chest. She then had a look at her face. She turned her head back and forth a bit. Her hair was kind of messy, many strands had fallen out the now crooked ponytail. She touched her own cheek. Beauty. No she didn't see it. She'd never felt anything but bland. Growing up she was always told to not think she was any better than average. Her mom told her to get down of her bridges if she ever felt proud of a softball championship win or a good grade in school. No in their household it was better to keep your head down and try not to be noticed at all.

As she grew older she learnt it was okay to be a little proud of yourself and to strive to be better at everything. She knew it irked some people, her drive, her ambition. She knew she got on Amaro's nerves at times. Most of the time she didn't care but there were times she heard her mama's voice in her head. "Don't think you're special Manda". She shook her head to get the voice out right now. Ryan liked what he saw and even though she didn't get it, it still made her feel good. She would bring that nice feeling with her into a long, warm shower and then she would make a fabulous breakfast for herself and Fay. She figured they earned it for no particular reason at all.

**He called her** later that day. He said it was just because he wanted to hear her voice. He was waiting for his parents to come, they were driving down tonight to be closer to the airport. He'd sleep on the couch since he was letting them have his bed. Amanda told him she felt sorry for him, having to spend two nights in a row on a couch. He said he wasn't sorry about anything last night, he'd never slept so good in ages. Fay came into the room at that point and when she learnt it was Ryan she wanted to talk to him. Amanda had to cut them off after ten minutes or she'd know Fay could keep going the whole night.

He said he would call her next week just to check in. She said that she was looking forward to it and after some lingering on the line they finally hung up. Fay came back out of her room and teased her for talking to a boy on the phone. Amanda chased her around the apartment for a while for that comment. Fay shrieked with joy as she tried to get away.

**Fin started to** fully realize what it meant to him now that Amanda had met someone. He was used to having dinner with them a couple of times a week, he usually hung out with them at least one day over the weekend and suddenly... they were just gone. He'd thought he'd miss the physical most but it was everything. He missed just hanging around them, listening to Fay's wild shenanigans and he missed laughing like they seemed to do a lot now that he thought of it.

He realized he had to let her know he missed them. He at least needed to invite himself over because he missed them terrible. While driving back from a crime scene Monday he inquired about her weekend. He knew Ryan had met Fay for the first time and Amanda mentioned the circus, a visit to the beach and playing around in Central Park.

"Seems you had a full day," Fin replied and tried to lose the bite to his tone but didn't quite succeed.  
"Fay didn't want him to leave," she replied without looking at him. She knew it was childish to bite back but she couldn't help herself.  
"So when does the three of you have a date again then?" he asked and Amanda sighed. She didn't want to bring them down even lower and decided to play nice.

"He's away for two weeks so it will be a while," she told him simply. They rode in silence for a while.  
"So then maybe I can stop by some day after work while he's gone?" he asked more than suggested.  
"Sure, Fay would love to see you. And Ryan wants to meet you too." Fin raised his eyebrow.  
"Why?"  
"Because you're my partner and he knows what that means to cops," Amanda tried not to roll her eyes, "and Fay talks about you a lot so he's curious about you."  
"Oh?" Fin had to admit he liked hearing that Fay talked about him to Ryan.  
"Of course. You are a big part of her life Fin, don't forget that," she said and looked at him only slightly facing him. He shot her a look.  
"I won't," he said as he saw the seriousness on her face. She shot him a slight smile and then looked away.

She was thinking about something that happen a few weeks back. This particular week a while back she had a day off and since Daisy, the baby sitter she'd hired for the summer, had signed Fay up for a week with swimming lessons at a pool nearby Amanda took Fay. It wasn't so much learning to swim really but more feel comfortable in water which Fay already did so she had it easy. It was for three to five year olds and of course Fay made friends easily and it had left Fay and Daisy at the pool most of the days even though the class were only an hour long.

Fay had befriended this girl name Sarah who was five. Fay had told Amanda all about her earlier in the week so Amanda thought it was nice to finally meet her on the Thursday when Amanda had the privilege to join them at the pool. Sarah was there with her older sister and her friend and they also spent most of the day by the pool. Amanda had invited Sarah over to share lunch with them that Amanda had brought from home. Sarah seemed like a sweet kid and was very articulate. Sarah had a bucket filled with Polly pocket dolls and items that they started to play with as Amanda cleared the blanket from their lunch.

That's when she overheard Sarah ask Fay a question that made her blood freeze a little.  
"Where's your dad?" was her question. Amanda waited for her daughter's response and tried to keep from staring them down. Fay had her back to Amanda though so she couldn't see her face but Amanda could see that Fay was looking at Sarah.  
"I don't have one," she answered after a while.  
"You must have one, everyone has one," Sarah said.

"I have a Fin," Fay said cheerfully.  
"What's a fin?" Sarah asked with a troubled face.  
"Well," Fay seemed to do some thinking and then continued; "it's big and strong, puts bad guys in jail but are sweet to me and cuddly and funny and eats a lot and like to take naps and give hugs and plays with me." Amanda couldn't help but smile at that but turned away a little so either of the girls wouldn't see it.  
"But that kinda sounds like a dad," Sarah stated as she kept putting on an outfit on a tiny doll.  
"Yeah," Fay simply replied and kept moving around her doll again.

She shot a quick glance over her shoulder though and Amanda gave her a smile. Fay smiled back before she went back to playing. Amanda put a way what was left of lunch as she kept thinking about what her daughter just said. She was such a sweet kid. She didn't carry much weight on her shoulders, didn't worry much about anything and it made Amanda happy that she was busy just being a kid. She didn't seem to think yet about her origin, she was just a happy and content kid with a lot of self-confidence and a whole lot of humbleness for her young age. Amanda knew though that there would come a day when she would ask about her father, that day was probably soon approaching and she needed to have a talk with Fin about it. She had to be prepared and know how to answer her daughter. She never wanted to lie to her daughter if it wasn't for her own good. In this case it was for Amanda's and Fin's good and it wasn't fair to Fay.

At that point Amanda had only just met Ryan but as she started seeing him that conversation at the pool slipped to the back of her mind but she knew it couldn't stay there forever. Right now though this whole animosity Fin seemed to have towards Ryan needed to be dealt with first. They were on the job though so that also had to wait a while.

Fin went home with her that day after work and Fay was happy to see him of course. Fay and Daisy had been to Coney Island that day. The last time Amanda had taken her there was actually with Fin and they'd seen the Mermaid parade. Before Daisy had said bye for the day she'd told Amanda that Fay had been a bit upset since she thought that mermaids lived on Coney Island and had expected to see some like last time.

By now though the girl was far from upset. She'd seen a girl that was a little person with a beautiful dress.  
"She was my size but an adult. How cool is that?" Fay was so impressed. And she'd gotten her autograph on a card.  
"And she had her own cards. So cool," Fay added. That was apparently the high light of the day but she'd seen a man pierce his own skin with giant needles, another man that had danced like a robot and a girl that twisted her body in crazy ways. Fay tried to copy her but it looked mostly as she had seizures or something on the floor.

"So your girl has apparently been to a freak show today," Fin sighed.  
"That's Coney Island for you," Amanda sang as she sat the table for dinner.

Fin had looked forward to having dinner with them and expected it to be fun but it was far from it. That was because when Fay had emptied out everything that she had seen during her visit to Coney Island she went on to talk about the circus they'd been to with Ryan this past weekend. It wasn't so much hearing about the circus that bugged him but the fact that Fay, totally giggly, told him that mama had kissed Ryan.

Amanda tried to keep her face hidden from Fin when Fay told him that. She felt her cheeks burn a little and couldn't figure out if she felt embarrassed that Fin found out or if she felt shameful over the fact she'd kissed Ryan. She tried to just sit through it because she wouldn't hush her daughter. She would never keep her from speaking the truth. But then they hit a low point when Fay suddenly said;

"And then they slept together on the couch. Like you two used to do but mama and Ryan are in looove," Fay stretched out the word love, making the situation even more awkward.  
"You want some more milk Fay?" she asked so she could get up and away from the table for a while.

Amanda wasn't sure how Fin felt about it all and since he left right before Fay's bedtime she didn't get a chance to pry a little either.

Fin was annoyed. Annoyed at Ryan who he'd never even met. Annoyed at Amanda because she seemed to be falling for him. And he even felt annoyed at Fay since she seemed to be falling for the guy too. But most of all he felt annoyed at himself for not acting to prevent this from happening. For his inability to love the only two people, except Ken, that meant something to him. Why had he ever seduced Amanda? It might have been the dumbest thing he'd ever done in his life.

Fin did drop by another night later that week. Fay's crush on Ryan seemed to have eased a bit thankfully and she mostly talked about some baby rhino that had been born at the Central Park Zoo. She thought they should name him Rhinosaurio. Fin lingered through her bedtime procedure but then felt the tension when alone with Amanda too much to handle and he skipped out. He wanted to respect her wishes and keep his hands off her but he found it hard to.

He did go with them to the Central Park Zoo that weekend though. Fay finally got to see the baby rhino. Now that she'd seen him in person she changed her mind on the name though. He looked more like a Bert in person she let them know. The zoo had named him Sanjay though but Fay said he would always be Bert to her.

**Fin's birthday** were coming up the following week. He usually didn't want to celebrate it but Amanda kept asking every year anyway and to her surprise he said it could be fun to go out and have a beer after work if no major case came along. They asked the rest of the squad if they wanted to go out for a beer and most of them said yes. Fin asked Liv if she could relay the invite to Cassidy and she promised she would. He would have to work though and never showed up.

Amanda asked Daisy to stay a little longer that day and since they had just solved a case they ended up at the pub rather early. Fin usually was a slow drinker and you rarely saw him drunk. This particular day though he swiped quite a few and before dark he was rather tanked. Thankfully he was a happy drunk and treated his surroundings to many laughs.

It was a work day though and they had an early shift in the morning which had left everyone but Fin taking it slow on the alcohol. As the rest started to feel it was time to call it a night they made sure to get Fin out of there too. He stumbled out onto the street but managed to keep on his feet.

"You okay there buddy?" Nick asked. He'd tried to grab a hold of him as he stumbled but been too late.  
"I'm fine, just fine my friend," Fin smiled a bit cross-eyed and pounded his hand on Nick's back a little too hard. Nick shot Liv and Amanda a crooked smile that let them know he felt Fin was a bit too spirited. They felt the same.

"You want an escort back home Fin?" Liv asked as she grabbed a hold of his shoulder so she could look him straight in the eyes.  
"My partner can escort me home I'm sure," Fin slurred a bit. Liv kept her grip on Fin but turned her head towards Amanda. Amanda just gave her a nod. It went without saying. He'd made sure she made it home quite a few times after she had a little too much to drink so of course she'd do it for him.

"Common partner," Amanda said and stepped forward. She got his arm up over her shoulders and she tried to get him moving. She'd thought a bit of walking would do him good but after only a few steps she figured it was probably not a good idea. He weight her down too much and she feared they'd both end up in the gutter if they tried to walk too long.

"Are you sure you can manage on your own?" Liv asked with some concern. She'd remained in the same spot, Nick too, and they watched them try and get going.  
"My partner's the best, she can do anything," Fin slurred.  
"Right?" he said as he turned his head towards Amanda and tried to touch her cheek with his hand. It turned out to be more patting all over her face though and she removed his hand physically when just trying to turn away didn't work. Both Nick and Liv looked skeptical.

"We'll be fine, I'll get us a cab," Amanda said as she tried to keep Fin's hand off her face. Nick stepped out onto the street to hail down a cab. Liv kept shooting Fin and Amanda skeptical looks. A cab drove in to the side and Amanda got Fin over there. Nick held up the door and helped her get him inside.

"Are you sure Amanda?" Liv asked as Amanda got ready to take her seat next to Fin in the back seat.  
"I'm sure. Thanks for tonight guys. See you in the morning," Amanda said and got in before Nick shut the door behind her. Nick tapped the roof of the cab and it took off. Liv followed it with her eyes all the way to the corner. Something made her feel uneasy but as Nick put a hand on her shoulder and told her he'd walk some of the way with her she let it slide. They started down the street and Nick mentioned there was a full moon to which Liv rolled her eyes and sighed; "Great, we'll have loads to do in the morning then."

Amanda spent the cab drive over to Fin's place trying to keep him upright in the back. She didn't mind, she actually liked that she could help him out for a change. It didn't happen often but she had at times had a little too much to drink and she knew Fin had gotten her out of some potential embarrassing situations. So of course she'd do the same for him. So far though he'd done nothing too embarrassing. Sure he had given out a few more hugs than usual tonight, he had told the bartender he loved him and his aim was rather off which she noticed every time he tried to touch her face in the cab but ended up somewhere else. She had to remove his hand from her thigh quite a few times as it travelled up a little too high. She ended up just sitting with it in her lap, keeping it trapped between hers.

"Very romantic," Fin slurred to which Amanda chuckled. She paid the cab driver as Fin stumbled out on his own. Her curfew was still hours away so she would make sure he got upstairs and into bed properly before she headed home. They had a work day tomorrow but she figured he'd come in late, if at all. If it was one time you had the right to party and skip work though it was on your own birthday she figured.

He waited for her out on the curb, she could see he swayed a little, and put his arm around her shoulders as she came up to him.

"Okay let's get you inside," she said.  
"Let's get us inside," he corrected her. Amanda had an arm around his waist and the other hand placed on his chest trying to hold him up. They managed to get through the front door somehow and over to the elevator. As they waited for the cage to arrive she put him against the wall for support but he wouldn't let her go and pulled her into his arms.

"You're a good partner," he said and kissed her on the top of her head. Amanda smiled and patted his sides a little.  
"Thank you Fin, you are a good partner too," she replied. The cage let them know it was there with a little ding and the doors opened.  
"We are good together right," he slurred as she more or less shoved him into the elevator.  
"Yes we are Fin," she said and pushed the button to his floor while she kept her other hand on him to keep him against the wall. As the doors closed though he grabbed her hand and pulled it down to his lower regions.

"Fin," she said and pulled away her hand.  
"Common, partner," he smiled in that adorable way with his head a little tilted. She shook her head at him but couldn't hide the smile. He seemed to give it a rest quickly though and they reached his floor. She grabbed his arm, put it over her shoulders and started to move them down the hall. They met one of his neighbors and Amanda shot her a smile as Fin mostly stumbled along.

"Where's your keys?" she asked as they got to the door.  
"You have to strip search me for 'em," he smiled down at her. She pushed him up against the wall with a not such an amused smile on her face.  
"Common, haul them up," she urged.

He sighed and started to fumble down one pocket without finding them and then went for the other. Of course he had to drop the keys once he finally found them and got them up. It was Amanda's time to sigh and she crouched down to fetch them off the floor. She felt Fin's hand on her head though and he jerked her a little so she fell towards him. Her head ended up bouncing nearby his crotch and she tried to get up quickly. Fin was smirking and she gave him a stern look.

"Not funny Fin," she said without any of that amusement Fin seemed to find in the situation. She got the key in his door and shoved the door open. She grabbed a hold of him and forcefully got him inside. He stumbled in the dark inside and when Amanda got the light on she saw him rolling over on his back amongst some shoes, swearing a little. She snickered a little to herself with her back to him as she closed the door. He kinda earned it she thought to herself. She bent down though and helped him get his shoes off.

"Okay let's get you in bed," she said and got up to try and get him up off the floor.  
"You know there's plenty of room in there for you too," he smiled.  
"I'm sure but I have a curfew at home, a baby waiting," she said as she tried to get a good grip on him to get him up. They made a few unsuccessful attempts to get him up and Amanda complained he had to help out more. He just seemed to find it funny every time he fell back down and she came more or less crashing after him.

"Common Fin, help out a little will 'ya," she complained again. He seemed to hear her and grabbed a steady hold of her hips and then forced himself up, keeping himself perhaps a little bit too close to her person as he did but she couldn't be sure he used the situation or really needed to so she let him. Once he managed to get up, Amanda's knees almost buckling in the process, and he were face to face with her he however did lean in to kiss her. His lips just reached hers, the alcohol very eminent on his breathe thank you very much, when she pushed him away with a hand on his chest. The intoxication made it easy for her to shove him off but she also saw him stumble and as she didn't want him to fall back over she grabbed a hold of his shirt and pulled him in.

"Make up your mind woman," Fin grunted at this pushing back and forth business.  
"Well stop acting like some cavemen stupid," she said and pulled him with her still holding on to his shirt.  
"Who's the caveman now," she heard him grunt as she made her way to the bedroom with him in a firm grip. She let go a little and grabbed his arm with her other hand. Once in the bedroom he again tried to grab her but she easily slipped out of his drunken grip and she pushed him down to sit on the bed.

"Okay, you need anything? Water? Advil?" she asked but he shook his head. She'd get some for his bed stand once she got him in bed she figured.  
"Okay let's get you in bed then," she said but didn't have the chance to make a move until he did. He grabbed a hold of her and pulled her into his arms.  
"Sounds great, let's get to bed," she heard him moan as she felt his mouth dig into her midsection.  
"No Fin, you're going to bed, not me," Amanda fought him off.  
"Oh common," he complained.  
"No common, I have to get home Fin," she said, "you want help or not?" She looked at him seriously and he looked bummed but as though he got it.

"Raise your arms," she ordered him and he managed to do it so so. She still got his shirt over his head though and put it down at the end of the bed. She felt his hands come up around her ass but she slapped his arms away easily, gave him a stern look and then reached for his belt buckle. He grabbed a hold of her hair again though and forced her head down a little towards his crotch.

"Fin, god damn," she said and slapped his arm away again as she got back up.  
"It's not funny," she shouted as he snickered again.  
"Just a little funny," he said and held up his fingers to show her a small measurement between his thumb and finger. He peeked at her through the space and he looked so silly she had to smile. She decided to let him get away with it even though she didn't appreciate his plump assumption. She reached for his belt again but then he reached for her pants and she froze until he withdrew his hands. He chuckled as she got his belt open and then whistled when she quite easily swiped it out of his hoops.

"Skillful madam," he snickered and gave her ass a slap. She ignored it as it stayed at that and she got down to get his button and fly open so they could get his pants off.  
"Why can't you stay?" he whined a bit.  
"I've already told you why," she said and then swore silently as she had trouble getting his zipper down. It seemed stuck in his boxers.

"Ryan," he said with spite in his voice. She averted her eyes up to his face briefly but he was looking somewhere in the distance.  
"That's part of it yes," she admitted as she went back to his zipper.  
"But you haven't slept with him yet right? I know you haven't," Fin speculated.  
"How do you know I haven't?" she was curious even though she knew she should probably not try and discuss this with him. At least not right now.

"You don't put out to just anyone," Fin said and managed to stroke her hair gently.  
"Ryan's not anyone," she said though and looked him deep in the eyes. He held her eyes for a while but then his face changed into a smirk again.  
"Well it's not like you're married or anything yet, you haven't committed to anything yet," he said and looked away.  
"Well I'm committed to giving him a fair chance anyway. Oh this isn't working, you have to get up so I can get your pants down," Amanda had tried enough. Fin snickered.

"You say you want to commit but here you are trying to get my pants down," he laughed. Amanda stood up and tried to give him a serious look. It was kinda amusing though she had to admit. He looked at her with a smile on his face.  
"Stupid drunk, get up will 'ya," she said and gestured for him to get up. With some effort he managed to get back up and he held out his hands to give her access to his pants. His gestured looked a little bit crude but she still went for his zipper. His hands folded around her though and he brought her in close.

"Sleep with me," he said as she looked up. She shook her head at him and tried to get away as he tried to catch his lips with hers. He caught them though and for a moment she let him. His mouth were just as eagerly and tempting as always but as his tongue wanted access inside she managed to gain some sense and she got out of his grip.

"Fin, let's just do this now," she said and got back down to his zipper. She felt just a bit hot and bothered and just wanted to be able to get out of there before she lost herself. She got his zipper down and folded down his pants a little but feared she'd get his boxers down in the process and that was a sight her hot and bothered mind couldn't handle right now. Her hesitation gave him the chance to grab her again. She turned her face away though so his mouth couldn't get access to hers.

"Oh common, you can't tell me you don't want me," he whispered right by her ear and she felt his hand go down over her ass. His hand came in a little between her legs and he pushed her into his thigh. He moved her so she rubbed up against him a little and she couldn't lie, it did feel nice. She felt his lips and then his tongue against her ear before he whispered;

"You can't tell me you don't want me to fuck you." His words alone made her feel aroused and then there was the hand between her butt cheeks, his thigh against her clit, no it had to stop. She tried pushing away from him. The first attempt was lame she had to admit but the second one she managed to get some distance from him.

"Fin, stop it," she whispered as she tried to get rational again. His hand moved from her behind to the front though and he roughly pulled the first button in her jeans open.  
"Stop it," she said and managed to sound a bit harsher. It made him freeze but he still had one of her wrists in his grip. The grip eased a little though and she felt his fingers play a little over her skin. She watched his fingers and she couldn't say she didn't want those fingers to play over the rest of her body as well. But not like this and not in the future either if he couldn't commit to more than what they had before.

"Fin, I really just want to make sure you get a good night's sleep okay? Help me out a bit," she said without trying to sound like she begged. She didn't dare to look at him though and kept her eyes on his grip around her wrist. She saw him let go and she put her hand down as she took a small step back. She wet her lips before she looked at him. She couldn't read his face, he just looked… blank. She wasn't sure what she had hoped for. Perhaps a bit of sadness, something that told her he felt regret about the situation they were in. Not the situation right here and now but the situation with her and Fin and Ryan. If he said something, acted in some way that let her know there was hope for something more, then maybe she could wait just a little longer for him.

She looked down again, wasn't sure what to do. Next thing was to get his pants off she figured and then tucked in for the night. Then she could leave.  
"Okay lay down and we try and get your pants off," she said as she took a little sidestep.  
"Yes, let's lay down," he said and tried to grab for her again.

"No, you…" she started but he managed to get a good grip on her and pulled her in again. Her side was pushed into him but as they fought a little he got her around so her ass was right by his crotch. She stopped fighting him for a while and just breathed. She could feel he had a hard on and it made her feel even more flustered. One of his hands went up over her breasts, up to her throat and grabbed a hold a little as he pushed her head up to his so he could get his mouth on her collarbone by leaning over her shoulder. His other hand found its way down between her legs. He rubbed her over her jeans for a while.

"Fin," she breathed. She wanted it to be a plea for him to stop but she understood if he didn't interpret it that way. His hand went up to the rim of her jeans and she inhaled, leaving him even more space to push his hand down inside her pants. He got straight down inside layers of fabric and her entire body shivered as his fingers stroke down between her folds. He went directly for her wetness and brought it back up to her clit. She took a few deep breaths as fast rolling waves of pleasure hit from the inside and out. She lost the battle for a while, rested into him as he rubbed her clit. This just felt right, she couldn't lie to herself.

But her brain cells suddenly kicked back in. She couldn't do this. She said his name again, this time it sounded more like the plea to stop that she'd aimed for earlier. She grabbed his wrist to urge his hand to release her core even though his treatment made her feel good. No great. But she couldn't go there anymore. When she tried to pull his hand out though his grip around her throat tighten. It made her sober up a little more and she told him to stop. He seemed to hear her as his mouth left her shoulder and slowly his hand withdrew from her pants. She leaned out from him a bit as she got her breath back.

"I just can't do this," she whispered. She stepped out of his warmth and turned around.  
"I want to but I can't," she said when she had his eyes with hers. His face still looked blank though and she couldn't tell where his head was at. But then he suddenly grabbed her again. Grabbed both her wrists and he pulled her down with him onto the bed.

"Fin," she said as she tried to get her hands down somewhere on the bed so she could push herself back up. But he held on and after a bit of tug and war she stopped and looked at him.  
"Sleep with me," he said, still with that blank look on his face.

"No Fin," she said simply, "it won't happen." She was about to try and get up again when he suddenly flopped her over and came up on top of her. It felt… excessive. She felt… threaten. She lay still for a moment. Swallowed hard. Tried to get a grip on the situation.

"Fin," she whispered but it felt as though he wasn't there for some reason. Her wrists were pinned down on the bed but not hard and she tried to twist them free. It made him hold on tighter though and she felt him pull her upwards, his knee came in between her legs and he used it to push her up further on the bed.

"Fin," she tried again but a little louder. His mouth came down on her neck though, teeth biting, tongue eager, lips hungry. She tried to squeeze him out by pinching her head and shoulder together but he was determined. His mouth came down over her throat and went down over her tee. He found her breast and bit down. Hard. It made her arch up against him. He found her nipple and she feared teeth but instead he sucked in. A fear of pain turned to a pleasurable sensation and the sudden shift in emotions made her head spin. He left her breast but she could still feel the wet circle he'd left there as her heart pounded hard in her chest. He came back up to her throat, up along the other side of her neck. She tried his name again but not as loud this time. She felt out of breath for some reason.

The grip on her wrist suddenly disappeared but then she felt her upper body get twisted over. He folded her in some way, managed to keep her lower body on the bed as he pressed down her face in the bed. She felt his fingers dig in hard at the back of her neck. For a moment she couldn't breathe but managed to twist her head a bit so her airways were open. She took a few breaths as she tried to get the sense back in her body. She felt his hand work on the buttons in her jeans and she panicked again. She tried to get a hold of him, one arm was stuck underneath her but the other one was free. It fumbled around in the air though, she felt his face, his head from time to time but she couldn't manage to grab him or push him off. It only made his grip over her neck harden and she moaned with displeasure.

He got her fly open and she felt her pants getting ripped down. This wasn't happening. For a second she couldn't even see the tumble of sheets in front of her face, she saw only pure black panic. He let her neck go and she was back down on the bed and before she could do any damage he had her wrist pinned to the bed again. She didn't get a look on his face, it was down by her neck again. He let one wrist go and she felt his hand go down in-between them. He pushed her pants down even further, used his knee and then foot to help out. She tried to get her hand on his face. He buried it at her neck though and she tried to grab a hold of his tee, force him up somehow. Get him to look at her. Get him to stop. But she still didn't want to hurt him. Didn't want to scratch him, bite him. She just wanted him off her. She felt her pants being completely ripped off her and then he used his knees to push her legs apart.

"Fin," she surprised herself at how loud she screamed.  
"Stop it," she tried when he didn't seem to hear her. Her fingers dug in hard in his scalp. His hand came back up and he got a hold of her wrist and soon her arm was back down above her head, hand pinned to the bed next to her other one. He collected them even closer together and managed to hold them down with only one hand. His other hand travelled down between them again. She felt it go up the inside of her thigh and she struggled to get him off. His fingers found their way inside her panties and soon he was rubbing his fingers against her clit.

"No, Fin," she cried. She wanted him to stop but still felt herself push up against his fingers as waves of pleasure ran through her. What was happening? She felt her own body betray her. His touch had always made her feel good and it did even now. She felt tears well up her eyes.

"Fin," she cried again. Her body might enjoy this but her mind didn't. She did not want this to happen. The more she fought him the more pain he caused her and in some fucked up way the wetter she got. Her arms were hurting bad now and for a moment she just let them rest on the bed. He kept pressing them hard into the bed though. Her breathing was heavy. He managed to touch her clit in a way that made her gasp and she arched up against him again. Why? Why was her body enjoying this?

"Please stop," she begged as she stopped resisting all together and just fell back on the bed. She hoped this would make him react, snap him out of whatever trance he was in. Perhaps he'd ease up on his tight grip on her and she could get away. She needed distance from him cause the way his mouth felt against her neck, it devoured her. His fingers was still rubbing her clit and it felt too good. When his hand suddenly left her panties though she felt it go for his own crotch and she feared what was next. She started fighting him again. She tried to get a hand loose but to no use. She thought about kicking him but her legs felt numb and the more she tried to move the harder he pushed down her core to the bed.

"Please Fin, stop," she begged one last time as she felt him against her naked body.  
"Don't do this," she whispered.


	32. Moving on

**Okay I'm sorry if I upset some readers, I guess I kinda figured I would but I don't mean to offend anyone. I did put warnings out so I feel I at least tried not to. I do love Fin. And I love Amanda & Finanda. I love how complicated their relationship are in my fanfic. I've never been one to shy away from hard stuff and I think that love comes in many forms and sometimes you act wrong when you mean right and when you don't deal head on with stuff you might just end up hurting the one you love. It's life. It's my fanfic. I hope you trust me enough to keep reading but it's your choice after all...**

**XXX**

He woke up and the instant he opened his eyes the sun hurt him so much it felt as though his head split in two. It hurt even more as he tried to pinch his eyes close and he felt only a slight sense of relief once he managed to get his hand up to cover his eyes. He stayed complete still for a while but then he got a sense he wasn't alone. He moved away from the sun and managed to get his eyes open. He turned his head but found he was alone on the bed.

He closed his eyes again and lay back down. His head hurt. His throat was completely dried up. He did not feel good at all. How much had he had to drink last night? Again he got a sense he wasn't alone though. At least he hadn't been last night. Amanda. She'd been there. He was sure. They'd slept together? He wasn't sure if that was for real or a dream though. He opened up his eyes again and tilted his head to the side.

He heard her call out his name. She'd called out his name. She'd been scared. He turned his head up and stared up onto the ceiling. A wave of nausea flooded over him as memories from last night came crashing back. He wasn't sure exactly what had transpired but the images he got before his eyes told him a grim story. Her wrist pinned down in his grip, her plead for him to stop, her fingers scratching at his head in a not so pleasant way, her face shoved down into the sheets, her gasping for air. He knew something that shouldn't have happen, had happen last night.

Once the shock eased a little he managed to get up and into the bathroom before the nausea had reach his throat. He threw up in the toilet bowl and then washed his face and mouth out quickly. It was well over 8 am already. She would be at work. He hoped she would be at work. He knew he needed to see her as soon as possible.

**Liv had run** into Nick already on the lot outside the precinct.  
"I see you got home alright last night," she smiled at him. He'd walked her to her door and then took a cab home. He nodded.  
"You think the rest of our squad did though?" Nick smiled. He'd never seen Fin that wasted. Liv just shot him a smile. A smile that quickly disappeared though. She just had an uneasy feeling about last night but she couldn't figure out why. They stepped inside the squad room a little before 8 am. Fin and Amanda's desks were empty they noticed immediately.

As Nick put his jacket over his chair and Liv had a seat though they heard ruckus down the hall and looked over. Amanda came walking growling, wiping her hands with some napkins.  
"Effing coffee machine is broke again," she said with anger oozing all over the place as she noticed Liv's and Nick's curious looks. She looked worn out. Her face was pale, she looked as though she hadn't slept much, if at all, and her hair was up in a messy bun.

"You okay?" Liv asked.  
"I need coffee. Badly," she grunted and avoided her look. She tossed the napkins in the bin by her desk and grabbed her jacket that held her valuables.  
"I'm going across the street. You want anything?" she said as she passed them.  
"Yeah, grab me one," Nick said, "you need cash?" She shook him off.  
"Liv?" she asked and had to turn at the gate as Liv still hadn't responded.  
"Did you get Fin home alright last night?" Liv asked and Amanda just stared at her for a while.  
"Yeah. Do you want coffee or not?" she asked a bit flippant.  
"Yes please," Liv said slowly. Amanda immediately turned on her heal and walked out. Liv kept her eyes at the gate for a while but then turned to meet Nick's wide eyes.  
"I thought Fin would be the one with the mood today?" he said. Liv didn't smile, she just looked back over towards the gate. Her eyes narrowed. She wasn't sure what was going on right now.

Amanda came back about twenty minutes later. She handed the stand with the two cups to Nick as she passed him, he thanked her but she kept quiet. Nick got Liv's cup up and handed it to her over the desk. Liv said thanks but had already turned her head Amanda's way.  
"Will Fin be in today?" she asked. Amanda just gave her a shrug with her shoulders. She seemed to check her computer screen with great interest, coffee cup right underneath her lip. Their captain came walking out of his office.  
"Got something for us captain?" Nick asked, he wouldn't mind getting out of the power cooker that was their squad room today.  
"Not yet," he said and Nick shot Liv a look. Guess she'd been wrong about that full moon. Cragen told them though that Barba had called and needed that witness statement they'd promised him earlier in the week. Nick said he'd get right on it.

**It would be** another hour before Fin finally walked in. Sunglasses still on. Nick had his head down and missed giving him a glare as he passed. Liv saw him coming though and gave him a nod. Fin headed straight for Amanda's desk though. Without removing his sunglasses or even a hi, he asked if he could talk to her. She hadn't looked at him. She'd just kept staring at her screen. Her entire being though told him she was pissed off. More pissed off than he'd ever seen but it could be his guilty mind playing tricks on him.  
He hadn't been sure at all what he'd walk into, if she'd even be there.

"Can we talk?" he repeated when she didn't move. He felt Nick and Liv's eyes on his back. Amanda stood up, took a few steps around him, leaving space between them since she obviously didn't want to be near him. She kept her head down and then forward as she aimed for the break room. Fin eyes couldn't help but go a bit sideways, he met Liv's briefly but then hurried after Amanda.  
Liv followed them with her eyes. Nick tried to get a hold of her eyes but as usual he had to bite down his need to pry as Liv turned her head straight down to her desk.

Amanda beat him to the break room, walked past the first couple of bunk beds and she had her back to him by the wall furthest in when he stepped inside. Her arms were folded in front of her. He closed the door behind him, took a deep breath and then turned back towards her. He took a few steps closer to her. He hadn't planned at all what to say or what to do. He'd just known he had to get to her. Now he wasn't sure what to do though. He took another few steps towards her, left an arm length distance between them. He knew she was very aware of where he was at. She was wired tense.

He looked her over as he tried to figure out what to say. She wore black jeans and a long sleeved, loose fitting, green sweater. Her hair was up in a messy bun. Even with his dark sun glasses still on he could see two round marks at the back of her neck. He got his sun glasses up on his head even though the light hurt his eyes. He deserved any pain that came his way today he figured. He saw the marks clearer as his eyes got used to the light. It was his marks. He'd done that to her. Her face had been pushed down the bedspread. She'd been gasping for air.

The flash backs got too hard to bear for a second and he pinched his eyes shut as he put his fingers over the bridge of his own nose. He let himself go after just a few seconds. It was time to face what he'd done.

"Amanda," he said. The sudden sound of his voice made her flinch and he quiet down fearing he'd caused permanent damage here that no words could fix. He shook his head. Of course he'd caused permanent damage. There was no way around it.  
"Can you look at me?" he asked after a while. He needed to make sure she really heard what he was saying. She shook her head though and he accepted that.

"Look, there's no words," he started, "There's not enough words to excuse what I did. There's no excuse in the world that will cover just how sorry I am for what I did." He had to take a breath and looked up at the ceiling for a while. Then he cleared his throat though and continued.

"And what's even worse, if that's even possible, I have to ask you… what happen?" He saw her slight movement as her head raised a little. She turned around quickly. She didn't look as angry as he had anticipated, instead it looked like tears could escape her eyes at any moment. Her arms were still folded in front of her.  
"Do you mean you don't remember?" her voice was frail. She wasn't sure what this news meant to her. The realization didn't make her feel either better or worse. He shook his head slowly.

"I have flash backs. Awful ones. But I can't piece them together," he confessed. He saw small signs on her face, nostrils flaring a little, her lower lip shivered slightly. He knew what all those signs meant and wasn't surprised once the first tear escaped her eyes. She didn't even try to wipe it away. Her fists had been clenched already but now they tighten even further and as more tears ran down her face she unfolded her arms and her fists came crashing down on his chest as she stepped to him. He didn't move. Her fists weren't hard but they still hurt him, they hurt him on the inside.

He just watched her punch him over and over again as tears ran down her face and he didn't do anything to stop her. He even wished she would punch harder. But he knew this was frustration, there was more sadness than anger on her crumbled face, either way it didn't make him feel any better. After a while she wore herself out and the pounding became sparser. He felt like hugging her but when he went for her she protested. Shoved her fists into his chest. He'd still taken another step and she ended up with her back to the wall. Her arms were straight, her knuckles digging in as he leaned forward. He wanted it to hurt more. He put one hand on the wall next to her though as he felt he needed the support only a wall could give you.

They were both breathing hard, her breaths spoiled by sobs every now and then. She quickly lost the strength in her arms and he felt the fists ease up some. They remained there for a while until she slowly started to sink towards him. Her fists lay relaxed on his chest and she put her forehead right above them. A row of sobs escaped her throat. He let her just lean on him. He tried putting his free hand on her arm but she pulled away slightly and he put it down again as he didn't want to scare her off. The fact she made any type of contact with him right now gave him hope. He knew this wasn't something he should be forgiven for but the fact she stayed here with him meant so much. At a time when he'd felt all hope was gone this was at least something and it was all he could ask for. He closed his eyes for a second, just listen to her breathing as it was starting to calm down. Her sobs came sparser and sparser and he dared to lean down and plant a kiss on her hair. She didn't shy away but he didn't do anything else. Having her close was enough for him.

They got interrupted though. There was a soft knock on the door and Olivia put her head in the second after. Fin looked over his shoulder as he got his hand down from the wall. Amanda peeked up but then hid behind Fin as she tried to wipe her eyes.  
"Sorry," Liv said, "but captain has a case for us Amanda."  
"Give me just a minute," Amanda asked. She tried to keep her voice normal but wasn't sure she pulled it off.  
"Sure, I'll wait downstairs," Liv said and closed the door. Fin had already turned his eyes back to Amanda and now watched her take a couple a steps away from him as she kept trying to wipe her eyes clear.

"I need the bathroom," she realized though and said it out loud. Fin nodded even though she didn't look at him.  
"We'll talk later?" he asked and it was her time to nod. He was watching her though, he watched her as she left the room and hurried down towards the bathroom.

Amanda quickly headed into the bathroom. She avoided looking at herself in the mirror until after she'd washed her face off. She shook her head at herself. Her eyes were red and puffy. There was no way she would get past Liv like this. She got the cold water running and reached for some paper towels. She soaked them in water and then put them over her eyes. She held the wet cloths there for at least a minute as she tried to get a grip on her scattered brain. She was at work. She had a case at hand. Everything had to be put to the side for the time being.

She looked back into the mirror and her eyes did look a little better. The puffiness was down and now her entire face looked red and not just her eyes. She washed her entire face off again and then dried herself up. She took a deep breath and then headed out there. She spotted Fin still inside the break room out of the corner of her eye but paid him no more attention. Nick had his head down at his desk but she felt him looking when she went to grab her jacket. It was too warm outside but she still felt the need to at least bring it.  
Liv wasn't at her desk so Amanda figured she was literary downstairs already.

"Is Fin coming back?" Nick asked as she passed him. She just ignored him though and hurried out where there was air. She spotted Liv talking to the guy at the reception desk downstairs. Liv spotted her too and quickly ended the conversation with him so she could meet Amanda at the exit.

"Everything okay?" Liv asked the second she caught up to Amanda. They were on their way down the stairs and Amanda gave her a quick nod and then hurried along. Liv walked a step or two behind her over to Liv's car. Liv drove them out of the lot but kept throwing glances at Amanda.

"Are you sure you're okay?" she asked again. Amanda found herself nervously pulling her sleeves down. She'd chosen this sweater for a reason this morning. She had red marks around both her wrists that would absolutely raise questions if someone saw them. Amanda realized it would be a dead give-away for Liv though if she tugged at her sleeves and stopped immediately.

Liv hadn't been focused on that though. She'd seen the red marks at the back of Amanda's neck as they headed down the stairs. Marks Amanda didn't even know she had. Liv had worked as a detective long enough to know those marks were handmade. And the notion Fin could, had to, be the one behind them made Liv feel uneasy. She had no idea really what those two had between them but those marks combined with Amanda's fickle mood made Liv worried about what had transpired last night.

"I'm fine," Amanda said and tried to give Liv a confident look. Liv had to break their eye contact though as she had to look at the traffic ahead but she wasn't convinced.  
"Did something happen with Fin when you took him home?" Liv wouldn't give up so easy, Amanda should've known.  
"No, it went fine," Amanda said and kept her eyes on the traffic too.  
"Are you sure?" Liv asked and turned her head as they'd stopped for a red light. Amanda braced herself and turned to Liv.  
"I can handle Fin," she said and made a real afford this time to look confident. She had to sell it to Liv because she wasn't sure how much interrogation she could handle right now. Liv watched her intensely but then a car behind them honked since the light had turned. Liv put a friendly hand out her window as she drove on.

"So what's the case?" Amanda asked as she realized she didn't know. That fact, that Amanda hadn't been eager about the case until now, along with everything else made Liv feel unconvinced everything was fine but she let it be for now. Liv let her have the few facts they had. A 21 year old college student had called. She'd apparently been raped in her dorm room last night. They didn't have much more than that yet. The student hadn't been to the hospital yet and they had no known assailant. Amanda nodded.

**They soon reached** the apartment building that worked as a dormitory for a school nearby. Since it was the middle of the summer it was mostly empty and they had trouble getting in since the young woman who'd called in didn't respond to the buzzer. Finally though another student or visitor came out and he let them pass. They got up to the floor were 21 year old Haley stayed. Haley was of average height and size, her hair was shoulder length, auburn in color and her eyes were blue. She gave a frail impression as she opened the door for them. She wore no make-up, she was covered up in a pair of lounge pants and an oversized hoodie. She looked pale and like she hadn't had much sleep last night.

Liv made their introductions and asked if they could come in. Haley hesitated but then finally let them pass. Her place existed of one rather large room and a small bathroom with just a toilet and a sink right by the door. She obviously shared the room with another student as the room had two beds and two sets of every other furniture in the room. Both beds were unmade but when Liv asked Haley told her that her roommate was back home for summer break. Liv asked if they could sit down and Haley nodded and pulled forward the two desk chairs for them. She had a seat at the end of one of the beds. Both Liv and Amanda noticed her slight grin as she sat down.

As usual Liv took the initiative to start and she asked Haley what had happen last night. Haley got a bit evasive at first, she said she felt stupid for calling. Nothing had happen really. Liv of course didn't give up that easy and soon the story unfolded. Haley had a friend over last night, a boy her age that she shared some classes with. They did have a beer or two, the bottles were still in one of the basket's underneath the desk. They'd always just been friends, they had kissed a few times but never really hooked up. The kissing was a while back though, like a year ago and they'd been just friends lately. Haley admitted she had been interested though so when he made a pass she'd been okay with it. The kissing was fine but she didn't want to take it further. Her friend hadn't agreed though. And they had intercourse. If you could call it that.

Amanda just sat there and listen but started to feel nauseous as Haley told her story. The walls seemed to cave in just a little and she had trouble focusing on what Haley was saying. Amanda did her best to breath calmly and give Haley the attention she deserved. Her chest started to feel clamped though and when Haley wrapped up her story, and just as Liv asked if she, if Haley, had said no, Amanda just had to get up off her chair. Amanda was sitting a little behind Liv, further from Haley, and Amanda tried to do it slowly and as unnoticeable as possible. In a single room with just three people it was impossible to be completely unnoticeable though. She got up and got behind her chair, leaning on it a little. She felt Haley's eyes on her and she saw Liv's side glances.

Liv kept focus though and asked Haley all the necessary questions. Had she said no? Did he acknowledge the no? Did he use force? Had he used protection? Haley asked yes to the first questions but no to the condom. She had showered though so there was no dna. She got her sleeves up though and showed them her bruised wrists. Amanda felt like such a hypocrite as she looked down on her own covered up wrists. Liv asked if she had more bruises and Haley nodded and then answered on the inside of her legs.

Liv asked if she was willing to come with them to the hospital for an examination. Haley was hesitant. She wasn't sure yet if she wanted to file a report against him. She had after all invited him up there and she had kissed him. She had perhaps done a little more than kissing even and she feared she'd led him on. Liv asked where the assault had happen and Haley pointed to the other bed. Liv told her they could find dna then. Liv then asked if Haley could give them her friend's name. Haley hesitated again but then gave them his name. Liv gave Haley a smile as she looked up at Amanda to make sure she wrote the name down. Liv took the chance to look Amanda over as well. She looked even paler now, Liv thought she saw sweat beads on her forehead.

They got Haley's clothes, the ones she had last night, into a bag and Liv told her they would get some officers that would go through her room while they were at the hospital. Liv was carefully guiding Haley out of there when Amanda suggested she would stay behind. Liv was confused. It wasn't how they usually worked. Amanda said she would stay until a unit came to go through the room, guard it until then. She'd call Nick or Fin, they could track the suspect. And she'd knock on some doors, see if anyone had heard anything. Liv didn't feel like arguing in front of the victim and finally just nodded. She handed Amanda the bag with the clothes. Liv felt a need to ask Amanda if she was doing okay but Haley couldn't wait. She was still reluctant on pursuing the case and Liv knew she needed to stay with her through this. Amanda knew too and that notion also made Liv fear something wasn't right here.

Amanda took several deep breaths, leaning her back against the wall, as soon as she'd shut the door. She fought tears and the nausea that lured down her throat.  
"Get a grip, get a grip," she kept repeating to herself for a while until she managed to. She got her phone up and called Nick to give him the suspect's name. Nick offered to get a CSI unit over and Amanda didn't object. One less phone call for her to make. Once she hung up she stood there for several minutes, just looking at a poster on Haley's wall. There were trees on the poster, lots of them and in the middle it said 'The best way out is always through'. Amanda read it over and over again but it still didn't make any sense to her. She got angry eventually and she shook her head as she faced the window instead.

Suddenly she didn't think staying behind had been such a good idea after all as the walls seemed to be caving in again. She'd just been so unprofessional with Haley and didn't want to screw up even more. She'd hoped she could do a better job if left on sight but now she felt useless here too. She turned to the door and was about to run out but managed to stop herself right before. She put the bag with clothes down by the wall and covered her eyes with her hands for a while. Why did her life have to be so damn complicated all the time? Why was this happening?

Images from last night came crashing back and she closed her fists and banged them into her own forehead a couple of times to fight back the tears that were threatening behind her eyes. She hated Fin for making her go through this. She knew her situation was similar to Haley's but in ways it was totally different. At least in Amanda's head. She was such a screw-up. She had always been. Her mom had been right. She was a freak.

Last night she had been torn. Fin's hands, his mouth, it felt good. His body next to hers just seemed to fit perfectly. But Ryan was in her life now. She wanted more than casual sex. Even though she felt that what she and Fin had was so much more than casual it was all so unspoken and complex. With Ryan it felt simpler for some reason. Like they did it the right way. Getting to know each other, dating, dinners, meeting the kid, kissing, fondling. They did things according to the rule book.

What she had with Fin was completely different. They were sneaking around, been having some dirty, sexy, whirlwind romance for years now. And she enjoyed his company. Even now, after what had transpired last night, he'd still been the only one she could turn to. Back in the break room it hadn't felt odd to hit him and then the minute later feel the need to be close to him. Still, after what he did, he was the only one she felt understood her. The only one that truly got her. The only one she didn't have to act a part around, carry a brave mask in front of.

Her feelings about last night were totally screwed up. She did realize to some extent that the act he did was wrong but the worst part wasn't that. It was how he'd made her feel. The shame she felt about what had happen because of her part in it.

She'd sent mixed messages, that she knew. She'd wanted it but then not. She'd let him touch her and then not. She knew she had a right to change her mind though. But she'd wanted him even though she said no. There had been times before where he'd taken her places, unsecure places that she didn't knew if she'd wanted to visit but with him she felt safe and she'd been willing to go with him. She'd been willing to let him take her there, sometimes forcefully and rough, which she wasn't afraid to admit to herself that she'd enjoyed. Her sexuality was hers alone and she knew, much with his help actually, that she was allowed to like whatever she felt like.

But last night it had all gone totally off course. She'd wanted him to stop. That she knew. And she'd told him to stop. He hadn't listen. The fighting back had aroused her though. Once she stopped fighting him it had just been hurtful, nothing pleasurable about it. But then when she fought him again she'd felt the sensations again. Panic mixed with lust as she was pinned down and his hard cock appeared by her thigh. She'd tried one last time.

"Please Fin stop. Don't do this."

But he still hadn't listen and there had been pain as he forcefully entered her. Not physical pain though. Mental pain. Her head had been screaming as her core throbbed. She'd stopped fighting him, just taken what he gave her. To some extent welcomed it. He'd come quickly inside of her but kept going. She'd orgasm not long after. Her legs wrapped around his hip, tears pouring out her eyes and her hands still pinned to the bed. She'd been totally fucked over. Felt fucked over. Felt fucked up. She felt her throat close up just thinking about it and just how shameful she felt.

She'd met many victims over the years, some felt aroused while assaulted. It didn't make it any less heinous. It didn't make it any less of a crime. But still here she was thinking it. Feeling as though she'd been the one that did something wrong. And even though she was mad at Fin for making her feel that way she didn't hate him. She still didn't hate him. What she felt for Fin was something out of this world and it scared her. She'd let him hurt her, that's how much she loved him. The realization hit hard and it, at least for a minute, cleared her head completely. She loved him. To the point it hurt her. Clear as rain.

She no longer felt like crying, she just felt oddly drained out. Her love for Fin was damaging. She had to leave him behind.

Her phone buzzed suddenly. It was the CSI unit. They were here to go through the scene and collect the evidence and she let them know where she was at. She left that room, that mess, for them to deal with as she headed to the hospital to rejoin Liv and Haley and do her job properly.

**It became** a long day. They took Haley's statement again at the station and made sure she got driven to her parent's house afterwards. A counselor had seen her at the hospital and they'd made an appointment to meet the following week. They arrested Haley's friend slash rapist and booked him after he'd confessed to everything in interrogation.

Amanda worked methodical and swift. Liv couldn't believe the change from this morning to the person she said good night too later that day. Liv wasn't sure it made her feel more at ease or even more worried though. Fin had been odd the entire day too. Nick had joked about a hangover but Liv wasn't sure that was what was wearing him down.

Fin asked Amanda if they could talk after work and she'd said yes. They'd been sitting in her car out on the lot after shift finally was over. She seemed a bit detached but he didn't blame her. Even a bit standoffish she still seemed collected and she didn't shut him out completely. He apologized again, promised it would never ever happen again. He had no words to make his act any less heinous. No explanations were good enough. He let her know all this. She nodded. Acknowledged him. It was all he could ask for. He wished she would give him more than 'okay', 'it's okay', 'we'll be fine' and 'we're fine' though. It wasn't okay and they weren't fine. Nothing about this situation was okay or fine. Far from it. But he knew he didn't have the right to push it, push her, further.

The last thing he said was that he would respect what she and Ryan were building together. That he'd back off it, back off her. He made sure she knew he'd always be there for her. He never, ever wanted her any pain. When he got out of her car he felt perhaps an inch calmer. She seemed to have, somehow, during the day had a speedy recovery from this morning. From last night. She seemed determined in some way and she seemed to be okay with were they were at.

As she drove off though he felt as she literary drove out of his life. He would never again have what he had all these years with her. And it wasn't just because off what he'd done last night. It was because his inability to let her in, to let her know how he felt about her. It was many years coming and many missed opportunities. This was his cross to bear. He hoped she'd find happiness with Ryan, it would be the only slight absolution he could get.

Amanda dealt with this situation in a for her familiar way. She pushed it to the side, ran from it. She couldn't get her head around all the mixed emotions about what had happen and anything really about her and Fin's relationship. Shame was at the top of how she felt and it wasn't a feeling she liked carrying around. She pretended she dropped it, shook it off, and went forward. She knew she always wanted, needed, Fin to be a part of her life and she hoped if things could just keep progressing with Ryan it would all fall into place. That's what she told herself at least.

**The following week** Olivia took some time off for vacation. Cassidy got the chance to housesit a friend's home on Martha's Vineyard and Liv went with him. Amanda in her turn took a week off and went down to Georgia with Fay. Nick had a little time off as did Cragen. Fin was the only one working through the entire summer. Working at least gave him something to do. He tried to not think so much about what he had or didn't have with Amanda. She and Ryan seemed to have a good thing going. Fin had finally gotten to meet him a while back. He seemed like a good bloke.

Fin saw Fay every now and then but not as much as he liked. He knew he didn't have a right to demand more though. He and Amanda kept working side by side and they managed to get back to the good report they used to have. He tried to be happy about that, to settle with that but there were times, many of them to be honest, when he shot her glances and wished for more. Today was one of those days. They were on their way out when Amanda got a text. She looked all smiley and he asked her in the elevator what was up. She let him know Ryan was picking her up, he was waiting outside, they were having dinner and a movie. She looked happy about this, it made him feel miserable.

They said good bye on the stairs outside as she spotted Ryan half way out on the lot and hurried over to him. Ryan put a hand up in the air at Fin and he returned it. Fin put his hands down his pockets though as Ryan's attention went over to Amanda as she approached. He was telling her something that seemed to excite him and Amanda was left listening a step away from him.

At that point Olivia stepped down next to Fin and he pulled his eyes of the two for a sec. Olivia seemed to have zeroed in on them though.  
"Who's that?" Olivia asked and Fin turned to look just as Ryan put his hands down into Amanda's back pockets and pulled her in for a kiss. Amanda's hands landed on his arms as their lips met. Her smile was eminent.  
"Nevermind. I get it," Olivia said with a bit of laughter in there. She turned to Fin.  
"I didn't know she was seeing anyone. What's his name?"

"Ryan," Fin said and couldn't hide the resentment in his voice. Olivia gave him a look but then looked back to Amanda and the guy. They'd unlocked their lips and seemed to exchange some words that made Amanda chuckle and she put her forehead down on his chest for a bit. When she came back up she shook her head a little as her cheeks had turned a little red. Liv thought they looked cute together. She'd never really seen Amanda with anyone so it was quite interesting to see how she acted. They started walking off the lot after a while though. The guy kept one hand down her back pocket as they walked off, Amanda's hand was around his lower back. Cute fit Liv thought but heard Fin sigh and turned to him.

"You okay Fin?" she asked. Fin sighed loudly again.  
"Yeah," he said.  
"You need a lift?" she asked.  
"Nah, I'm walking," Fin said and took a step down.  
"Sure?" Liv asked.  
"Yeah, see you tomorrow," Fin didn't look back, just raised his hand a little and then walked off.  
"Bye Fin," Liv shouted after him. She headed over to her car but watched his slump figure walk over the lot. He seemed really down and Liv couldn't help but link it to Amanda and this Ryan character. She just couldn't figure the two partners out but after all these years she'd just stopped trying to.

Fin stopped at the curb and looked down the street where he'd seen Amanda and Ryan take off. Amanda was just getting into a car on the passenger side. He figured it was Ryan's car and he sighed again. He recalled some old Bruno Mars song from a few years back. Something about how this guy should've bought the girl flowers, held her hand, given her all his hours when he had the chance. It felt very fitting to him right now. Now his baby truly was dancing with someone else and even though he wanted her happy he still wished he had a second chance. But thinking about everything he'd put her through over the years he knew the best thing for her was to stay away. Let her be happy with someone else because he was clearly not the one who would bring happiness to her. He dug his hands a little deeper into his pockets and turned the other way to head home to his empty, sad apartment to blast some enemies in a videogame.

Liv drove out from the lot only seconds later. She saw a car turning out from the curb a bit ahead and slowed down a little to make sure the driver spotted her. As she slowly went by she noticed it was Amanda and the guy. Liv raised her hand and smiled and Amanda quickly got her hand up. She looked a little embarrassed, almost like Liv had caught her doing something wrong. Liv smiled at the guy behind the wheel and then drove on. Liv decided to approach Amanda tomorrow and try and pry a little about the guy. Maybe they could do a little girl talk. Seemed they both could get a little better in that department.

**Amanda really** enjoyed Ryan's company. He was so sweet. He treated her to fancy dinners, took her on action filled dates, rock climbing and such, they went to the movies, jogged, ran a race together. They were very compatible. He was more open than her though. He wasn't ashamed of sharing what he felt for her but still respected she had a harder time with that. He declared his love for her early on, she never needed to wonder about his feelings for her. She couldn't yet repay the 'I love you' sentiment though. She knew she liked him, she thought she could love him with time.

He was great with Fay. He got her presents but most importantly he gave her time and affection. He always included Fay in their plans but still managed to make it obvious when he needed alone time with Amanda. She loved kissing him, she liked fondling on the couch and how he touched her even out in public. He progressed slowly though. She thought she had herself to blame though. That time after the circus date she'd abruptly stopped him, told him about the scars and how they made her feel. He respected that. Perhaps a bit too much. It took forever before he even made an attempt to go underneath her t-shirt again.

But then finally as his hand found its way underneath and he couldn't help but come across the lower scar. She was the one that hitched up her tee so he could have a look at it. He'd been so gentle, touched it gently, bent down and kissed it gently. But then he'd left it at that and it had taken ages until he made his way up underneath her tee and all the way to her breasts and the scar up there. It wasn't that she was complaining about his gentle manner. Okay she was. He was just so darn slow and it made her nervous. Just added to the angst he probably picked up on.

She was used to Fin's way. He took. He demanded. And she liked that. Well all but that last time. She tried not to think about that time though. The rest had been great. Awesome. Mind-blowing. And then when Ryan finally, three months into their relationship, took it all the way it was… fine. He was gentle. The foreplay took forever and she almost felt as though she had time to dry up again before he finally got inside her. But he'd been sweet. Careful. Attentive. He'd been quiet during the act. No screaming out her name with passion like Fin did so often. No grunting or moaning, just some gasping as he came close to climax. He'd asked if she was near, asked for permission to come. And she'd faked it. She'd actually faked an orgasm and seemed to have fooled him. But she told herself it would be better. She just needed to get used to this new way of making love.

She met his parents finally. He'd been bugging her about it for a while when she finally accepted an invitation from them. A family barbeque with some neighbors attending too. Ryan tried to downplay it but he didn't fool Amanda. She knew he was ecstatic about her finally accepting to meet his parents. They were so sweet. Everyone made her and Fay feel so welcomed. Fay had made a drawing and Amanda had bought a small gift basket for them.

Ryan's parents were as sweet as she'd imagined them. They had a lovely house. Ryan's brother and girlfriend were there too. Amanda had met them twice before already. Once during a dinner out and then once for drinks after work. She liked both the brother and the girlfriend. There weren't any kids Fay's age at the barbeque, the neighbors kids were all teenagers, but Ryan's parents had set up an easel for her out on the yard since they knew she liked to paint. The easel had a huge canvas and they bought colors for her. She had so much fun painting in front of a large crowd. Of course she charmed the entire garden party and took requests on what to draw. It made Amanda happy to see her daughter's beaming face. Fay seemed to fit right in wherever she went. Both she and Amanda had dressed up a bit but while Fay seemed comfortable here, Amanda felt out of place. She felt like the visitor she was, and it had nothing to do with how Ryan's family treated her. Quite the opposite. Their immediate embrace, their willingness and fond wish for her to become part of their family were so kind and so genuine. She felt that they wanted her there. But it freaked her out.

Amanda knew she was getting ahead of herself but she couldn't help but imagine their engagement party or something like that right here at their yard. Her dad lurking around the bushes as the hermit he was, her mom criticizing everything down to the shape of the ice cubes and her sister breaking something valuable. Like her sister's heart like so often before. She tried to tell herself she was looking years ahead of time. She could grow comfortable here couldn't she? Her family would probably not even bother coming to her wedding anyway. Things would be fine. She could imagine life with Ryan would be sweet. She wanted sweet didn't she?

Fall approached and their relationship just rolled on. He spent a lot of time over at their place. Fay liked having him around. Amanda did too. They had so much in common they always had something to talk about. She let him spend nights in her bed as Fay got comfortable having him around, which she of course did even before Amanda did. Things were fine. Things were calm. They wouldn't stay that way though.

By now she'd already figured out Ryan wasn't someone who just sat by and watched opportunities or moments go by. He lived in the moment. He was generous with his feelings and his expectations for the future. He'd very early on mentioned his desire for kids of his own one day. And she'd heard him mention marriage more than once and he'd hinted once that he thought she would look dashing in white. Of course Amanda just let these little hints go by her, too scared to even thread lightly on them. Perhaps her reluctance to touch on it made him push even harder.

One evening though as they were out having dinner he asked her straight out if she could see marriage and perhaps kids in their future. It took her a little off guard even though she should have seen it coming. She knew he deserved honesty and even though it wasn't her strong suit she managed to somehow get across to him that the thought scared her a little. She brushed by that her childhood didn't give her the best experiences of family life. He'd already figured out she was hiding something about her family. He could see the sadness in her eyes when he tried to probe a little more than she was willing to share as they talked about her family back home in Georgia.

He knew she was a tough cookie to break so to speak. It was part of what made her such a treasure in his eyes. She was like that pearl in a shell that you needed to find, crack open and then it shined brightly at you.  
She'd been honest with the gamblers anonymous though so he knew she had it in her. She could share, no pun intended.

He tried to tread lightly, not rush. He after all saw himself spending the rest of his life with her and Fay. He knew he didn't have to rush but still he couldn't help to picture how fun it would be to be there already. At the altar. At delivery. At their own family barbeques in the suburb somewhere. Picture perfect.

There was one thing trouble him a little though. She'd once mention Fay's father being around but so far he'd seen nothing of whoever he was. Ryan wanted Fay to be as much his family as any of his own off-spring and for that he needed to know her father was okay with that. So he asked her.

This was the same night as he'd asked her about marriage and kids and Amanda felt, to say the least, overwhelmed. She'd known he'd asked sooner or later but as usual she pushed it a little to the side, thinking she would have time to go over what to say before he brought it up. She'd mentioned her parents failed marriage during dinner and by dessert she apparently was supposed to serve the little secret that was Fay's father. While trying to bite down the hint of panic that spread through her body she managed to knock over a glass of water in front of her. Thankfully it was the water and not the wine. A waiter was quickly there and helped out.

Amanda felt flustered. Stressed. She lied. Without even thinking it through properly she'd mentioned Rick, Fin's friend that she'd hooked up with so many years ago. She'd said he was the father. She'd met him from time to time over the years, she knew some stuff about him and she fed them to Ryan. Once she'd started she couldn't stop. It just poured out of her. And from the look on Ryan's face he liked that she finally seemed to open up so much about something.

**The next day** it was Sunday and Fin was surprised by the sharp knock on his door. He was still lounging around his place in his boxers and put his videogame on hold as he went to check who was at the door. The knock was too sharp to be one of his pals, and the time was too early for anyone of them to come around anyway. He was surprised to see Amanda through the peephole, she had Fay in her arms. He opened up the door quickly feeling both happy and worried to see them there. It had been a while since they just popped by and he worried something had happen.

"Fin," Fay shrieked once he open.  
"Hey kid," he smiled but quickly looked over at Amanda to find out why she was there.  
"You have company?" she asked and seemed relieve when he shook his head. He hadn't been with anyone since they called it off. He had opportunities but he'd just not felt up for it. She passed him without saying anything else but then seemed to change her mind and turned back towards him.  
"Can we go out? To the park maybe?" she asked.  
"Yay the park," Fay shouted.

She seemed to just be tagging along right now. She was a little confused but she trusted her mom even though she seemed a bit shattered this morning. Her mom had burnt the first few pancakes which was rare and then poured her coffee instead of syrup over her plate. That was fun but a bit crazy and it hadn't tasted good either. Fay did not understand how grownups could drink coffee. Yuck. Then all of a sudden they were going outside but had to run back several times to fetch things they'd forgotten. Fay was used to herself forgetting things, she was barely four after all, but her mom forgetting was rare. Now she was happy to see Fin but wouldn't jump of joy until she knew they were staying and just hadn't taken the wrong turn somewhere.

"Is that okay? The park?" Amanda asked again, too eager even for her. Fin was confuse but nodded.  
"Pants," he just said and walked inside to put some on.  
"Yes, pants would be good," Fay shouted after him. She thought that would make her mom smile but it didn't really. Nothing seemed to work today.

He'd seen they were properly dressed so he figured it was a bit chilly outside today. He grabbed his black leather jacket and twisted a burgundy scarf around his neck as they stepped outside. He had a park nearby with a playground Fay liked and they headed that way. Amanda let him carry Fay as soon as they got out on the curb. Fin asked Fay how she was doing this morning and called her a chipmunk. His nicknames would usually bring a smile to her face but today it didn't lit up her eyes like it usually did. She seemed a little down and he figured it had something to do with whatever was troubling Amanda.

"I love you Fin," Fay said and wrapped her arms around his neck. He loved hearing it but today it just made him feel iffy. He still refunded the hug. Once at the park the kid hurried towards the swings. Fin pushed her as Amanda walked around them, she seemed unable to stand still. Nervous. Angsty.

"Hey, why don't you go play on that ride with the other kids for a while? Give me a chance to talk to your mom okay?" he said after a while as he lifted her down and pointed her towards some kids on a swing around. Fay shot him a quick glance and then nodded as she took off. She was a smart kid that one Fin thought as he walked around towards were Amanda still was threading back and forth.

"Let's go over here," he said and touched her arm. He headed over to a somewhat secluded space that wasn't too far away from where Fay was at.  
"What's up?" he asked as they came to a halt. That made her start pacing though. Fin waited, knew to give her time.  
"He asked me about you," she said suddenly and gave him nervous looks. She shook her head suddenly though as she saw the confusion on his face.  
"No, not about you. I mean he asked about Fay's dad," she tried to make him understand.  
"Ryan asked you? About who Fay's dad is?" Fin needed to make sure and got nods on both questions. She kept pacing a while.  
"And you answered…" he finally asked as he couldn't wait.  
"I didn't. I lied," she said as she threw out her hands in the air. She brought them up to her head and kept pacing.  
"I don't know what I'm doing," she confessed and then everything came rambling out.

They'd apparently been to a dinner just the two of them. He'd talked about marriage. Kids. Freaked her out a little. But he was perfect. Fin tried to hide his frown as she kept describing him in favorable but, to him, icky words even though he was happy he treated her good. He tried to focus on what she was saying and not so much how adorable she looked when upset. Her hair was up in a sloppy bun. She wore black jeans, her plum colored jacket and a brown knitted scarf. Her eyes were big and round and her cheek a bit fiery red either from the slight chilly air or her flaring emotions. He noticed all that but still tried, really tried, to focus on her words.

"But then it all just came out. Rick. Why Rick? And I couldn't stop myself. I gave him Rick's entire story. Just kept going. Dug myself deeper with every word. And it was so easy. Why did I lie? I like Ryan. He's perfect in every way. But I lied him right up in his face. Why did I do that Fin?" she finally just stopped pacing and looked at him. She looked like she needed an answer for him but he didn't have one.

"I don't know," he just said and sounded sad about not being able to guide her. She looked away somewhere into the distance, shook her head and then paced a little more.  
"I'm so stupid," she said out loud all of a sudden and again grabbed a hold of her head a little.  
"No you're not," Fin said, "he caught you off guard. We've never talked about this scenario. You weren't prepared. I haven't helped either." She'd stopped and looked at him a little from the side. She wished he would give her answers but at least it helped a little that he understood her.

"We should have talked about this sooner," he said and truly meant it. They didn't get a chance right now though as Amanda noticed Fay looking a little lost over by the swing ride. The other kids had apparently left and Fay looked like she wanted to come over to them but didn't dare to since Fin had asked her to leave them alone for a bit. Amanda's heart broke a little as so many times before. That God sent kid of hers. Of theirs. Amanda waved her over and she immediately came running over. Those multi colored tights of her moving with lightning speed as her little legs paddled over the still green grass. She dove into her mom's arms and Amanda picked her off the ground.

"You got stranded," Amanda asked and touched her cheek. Fay nodded. She looked over at Fin as he took a step closer to them. Fay was worried she'd interrupted them in whatever grown up things they were doing.  
"You wanna get something to eat?" Fin asked as Amanda looked over at him too. They both nodded almost simultaneous. He had to smile.  
"I'm starving," Fay said as they got going. Again Amanda had handed her over to Fin.  
"Yeah? You skipped breakfast?" Fin asked as he too touched her cheek. Fay shook her head.  
"Mom made coffee pancakes," she said with a raised eyebrow. Fin looked over at Amanda. She just shook her head as in 'don't ask' but then had to smile.

They had brunch at a place nearby. Fay's mood became more chipper and she hogged the entire conversation. Amanda still felt distracted and down by the lie she'd told yesterday, and she worried how she would get out of it. Fay managed to make her smile though and Fin's presence made her feel better. Amanda peeked at him from time to time. He just seemed a bit different. More mellow or something.

Fin noticed that both his girls got a cheerier disposition with food in their tummies. He could tell Amanda was still troubled though. He wasn't sure how he could help her out but he was deadset on trying to and would stay attentive to whatever else she would share with him. The fact she had turned to him made him feel good. It was a step in the right direction for the long road to absolution he'd decided to start.

They enjoyed a long brunch together the three of them and then took a walk around the block. Fay was around the entire time so Fin didn't get a chance to talk more to Amanda about things that were going on. When she said she would head home though he let her know he would look after Fay if she needed to talk to a certain someone. She let him know Ryan was at a baseball game with his friends today. She'd try and catch him tomorrow or at least early next week. He gave both of them a quick hug and then watched them cross the street to where Amanda's car were parked.

**Amanda knew** she had to correct her wrongdoing as soon as possible. She couldn't live with the lie, not this lie. It was a lie that would affect her entire possible life together with him. A game changer. Owning up to her lie scared her but telling Ryan the truth scared her even more. She'd never said it out loud. She'd never mentioned Fin as the father of her child to anyone. Not to a single person. The words just going around her head scared her so she wasn't sure how she'd handle saying them out loud.

She bit the bullet already on Monday. He'd called her last night, a little bit tipsy she could easily tell. He had a fun day with his mates and his team had won. It wasn't the right time to own up to her lie. Wasn't right to spoil his day. She needed to do this face to face as well.

She waited until Monday to call and ask if she could drop by his place after work. She knew the 'I need to talk to you' would cause concern so she hadn't said it last night. Waited until it was only hours away, giving him less time to worry. He started worrying immediately though, asked what was wrong. She just told him she needed to tell him something, correct a wrong. That seemed to ease his worry a little.

He greeted her at the door with sympathetic eyes, a warm hug and a brief kiss. He'd bought her an iced tea on his way home from work. He was just so sweet she wondered for a while if she couldn't keep the lie on who was Fay's father going. She wasn't sure what the truth would mean for them, for their relationship. She was scared for her daughter's sake too. Telling Ryan meant she had to tell Fay soon too. The more people around her that knew meant more risk of it leaking to her. That could not happen. Her daughter was the most important person to her and would always be.

They'd sat down but soon Amanda had to get up. Get some distance from those kind, understanding, brown eyes of his. She'd tried to keep still and face him as she told him she'd lied. That Rick wasn't Fay's father. That it was in fact Fin, her partner. She could tell the news didn't settle well with Ryan. He'd looked paled, stunned. He touched his hair the way he did when he got nervous and then he'd gotten up of the couch too. He was usually cool and collected but he'd been pacing a little. Hadn't said a word for a while and she'd just waited.

Then he'd asked a few questions. Every question were about her and Fin's relationship. She felt a bit stupid for not thinking about that. How Ryan would deal with knowing she and Fin at least at one point had been intimate but still worked together. She'd been so focused on just facing up to him being the father it hadn't even struck her Ryan might have the biggest problem with her working together with a man she'd once slept with.

She managed to bite through her chin as she nervously chewed on it and felt the taste of blood in her mouth. Felt right for some reason. He'd asked if it was a one night thing, if she'd only slept with him once. She owned up to it being a little more than so even though she didn't tell him the full extent. She made sure he knew it wasn't still ongoing though. She was committed to him she let him know. He'd given her a questionable look right after she'd said that. She didn't think he believed her.

He'd done a little more pacing. When he'd been quiet for some time she said she was so sorry for lying like she did. She wasn't sure why she'd felt the need to but she added she'd always kept the truth about Fay's father a secret to everyone. That only led to him shooting her another questionable look though. After another long silent pause he said he needed to think this over, that he needed to be alone. Of course she didn't argue. She walked to the door but he didn't follow and she let herself out.  
Not until she was out on the street could she breathe again. That had been so hard. She hated upsetting others, especially if she was the cause behind it. And this one was all on her.

Fin checked in with her on Tuesday and asked if she'd talked to Ryan. She let him know she had. He of course asked how it ended but Amanda just told him it hadn't yet. Ryan hadn't reached out in any way. It was still early, Fin tried to calm her with. He'll come around with time, you'll see, he said. It didn't make her feel any better though.

Tuesday came and went and she heard nothing from him. Wednesday followed and still nothing. She started to wonder if she should make the first move. Perhaps he was waiting for her to fight for him?

Fin felt as though he was waiting for Ryan's move too. He wasn't sure just how he wanted Ryan's reaction to be though. He wanted Amanda to be happy and he knew Ryan made her happy. But there was still a small part of him that wanted her back. He knew though that with what he'd done it wouldn't just be that easy.

Thursday night he heard that sharp nock on his door again. This time he didn't even look in the peephole but just hurried to get the door open. Fay in Amanda's arms again. Both looking somewhat grim, troubled. Fay didn't even call out his name, she just kept her eyes on him as though she wanted him to act first. Like she needed him to do something. He wasn't sure what was going on though and looked to Amanda for answers.

"Can you take her?" she asked and he figured she was talking about Fay. He nodded. She took a step to him to hand over the kid. He grabbed her and tried to shoot Fay a smile as he did.  
"For the night?" he asked once Fay had grabbed a hold of him. Amanda nodded and then dropped Fay's overnight bag right inside the door.  
"You okay?" he asked knowing the answer was no. She was worked up about something and now he could tell tears were threatening her. She shook her head.  
"I need to jog or something," she said. She was dressed for it Fin noticed.  
"Yeah, I need to jog," she said.

"I love you sweetie, see you in the morning," she said and briefly touched her daughter's arm.  
"Love you mama," Fay managed to say before Amanda had turned and were half way down the hall. Both Fay and Fin watched her go and then disappear down the staircase. Fin tried to get his mind in order, a thousand thoughts were tumbling around in there. He stepped inside and closed the door. Then he felt the kid looking at him and he looked back at her. He raised his eyebrows at her.

"Ryan splift up with us," Fay said with a sad sounding tone.  
"He did, did he?" Fin asked and Fay nodded as she pulled a big sigh. The girl had a flare for drama that was for sure.  
"Not with you though, no one will ever split up from you munchkin," he said and pulled her in a little tighter.

She smiled and put her arms around his neck. She was obviously sad about it though and he wouldn't joke it away he thought as he stroked her back with his big hand. She let him go after a while and took a closer look at his chain around the neck that she'd grabbed a hold off while they were hugging. He looked at her intensely as she kept fondling the chain with her tiny and perfect little fingers. She finally lost interest and gave him a look. The smile he got looked a little less forced than earlier and it looked as though she felt a little bit better.

"Have you eaten?" he asked and she shook her head.  
"Okay so let's eat first then, I'm starving," he said and headed towards the kitchen. She leaned her head comfortable against his as he had a look in his fridge.  
"Okay, so you wanna make something or you wanna eat out?" he asked when he realized he didn't have much leftovers in there. He heard and felt Fay sigh loudly. He turned his head so he could have a look at her, her lip was pouting just the way Amanda's did at times. It made him smile. He bounced her once on his arm to get her talking.

"I feel sad so I don't feel like making anything but I don't feel like being out in public either." He had to hold in the laughter that was threatening down his gut. He wished she still had that romper that Munch got her as an infant that said Drama Queen on the front.  
"Well that's what take-out's for," he said instead and headed towards the phone. He got the pile of take-out menus that he stocked behind it and was about the spread them out for her on the table. It seemed she'd already picked though.

"Can we have pizza?" she asked and sounded thrilled. He gave her a look, they both knew Amanda wasn't a big fan of pizza too often but this was one night Fin figured.  
"Of course we can," he said and placed a kiss on the girl's smiling cheek.  
"Just tomato on your side as usual?" he asked as he grabbed the phone and she nodded.  
"Or maybe just pineapple," she said as she suddenly changed her mind.  
"Yeah?" he asked as he heard the first dial tone. She took a quick think but then shook her head.  
"Or yeah. Maybe. No," she settled with.  
"How about I have some on my side and you can try a few?" She nodded as she liked the idea and he put in the order for a family pizza. No need to be skimpy he figured and he also got a large bottle of coke. Home delivery was a good way to not have to carry a heavy load home, might as well grab the opportunity.

A little later they pigged out on his couch. He tried to lure her to watch a basketball game but they ended up watching some cartoon that, to him, looked like an animated version of the Kick-ass movies. Fay happily told him the entire plot though and then even showed some moves that her favorite Kitty Ko could do. He loved the character's name. And he loved watching Fay trying to copy the kung fu moves they did on the screen.

Even though she seemed to have cheered up a little the whole Ryan deal was clearly still on her mind. After dinner as they cuddled up on the couch, both a little stuffed from all the pizza they'd eaten, the cartoons didn't really work to derail her thoughts.

"Do you think mama is okay?" she asked without letting the TV go with her eyes.  
"Yeah, she'll be fine," Fin told her and stroked her hair a little. His hand remained in her hair, playing with the tiny braids that right now decorated part of her hair.  
"Can we call her?" Fin looked over at the watch on the wall. She'd dropped Fay off only like an hour and a half ago and she was probably out running still. He wasn't sure if she'd drove with her cab or took a cab or something. If she'd planned to run from his house to hers she'd still be out there probably.

"Let's give her a little more time okay, she's probably still out running," he let her know and she seemed to settle with that.  
"You think I can call Ryan?" she asked after a little while though.  
"I think Ryan needs some time to himself also," Fin said and hoped he wouldn't have to explain it further.

"You think I'll ever see him again?" He thought about that one for a second.  
"I don't know sweetie," he then told her honestly. She got up from where she was sitting and climbed up into his lap and faced him.  
"I'll never ever see him again?" she asked and he could tell by the slight shiver on her lower lip that tears weren't far off.

"You know what," he said and tried to scramble his brain quickly, "grownups are tricky sometimes. I know Ryan loved you very much. And that won't ever change but it's just that he'll probably not be able to be around your mom right now."  
"Cause his heart is broken?" she asked with that outmost adorable and sweet voice of hers that made it hard for Fin not to smile. He nodded.  
"Yes, his heart is a bit broken but with time he'll be fine. Your mom will be fine too. And you'll feel better too," he said and put a light finger on her chest. She seemed to think about it for a while and then took a deep breath.

"I just liked the idea of having a dad," she said and fell forward to lean on him. Fin wrapped his arms around her. That had hurt. He didn't like the thought of her being sad and it pained him a little to hear she was missing a dad when he was sitting right there.

A little later they tried calling Amanda and she picked up knowing it would be Fay wanting to check in. Fin didn't get to say more than 'hi' and 'you okay' to which she answered 'hi' and 'yeah'. The latter one didn't sound too convincing though. Fay got to talk a few more words with her mom but Fin made sure Fay kept it short too knowing Amanda needed time on her own to work things out. Fay let him know she was still out running which made him worry she would wear herself out if she kept it up too long. It was getting dark too and he didn't like the thought of her out there on her own. Best he could do for her right now was to keep her daughter safe though so he concentrated on that.

They started to get ready for bedtime not soon after the phone call and Fin went through the bag Amanda had packed. Everything was in there just a little bit scrambled, seemed Amanda had been in a hurry when she packed. He found the night gear and lined them up on his bed until after the bath. He brushed her teeth while she was in the bath. Fay always liked when he did things a little differently. She would later have a cookie and a glass of milk though so they would have to do it all over again. Which Fay found funny of course.

She said she wanted to dress herself for the night so he let her be for a while and went out to clear the living room table meanwhile. She soon came skipping out and she headed straight for his book shelf. He wasn't surprised to see her dig out a pile of photos and an album that lay on the bottom shelf. It wouldn't be the first time she'd gone through them. It was old photos mostly of Ken but there were some of Fin in there too. She was careful going through them. Amanda had told her to be many times in the past.

"You look so funny Fin," she said as she held up a photo so he could see. Her laughter sang all the way over to him and pulled him in.  
"Not funny, I'm cool," he said as he came over and sat down next to her. He grabbed the photo from her as he winked at her. Boy was he young in that one. He still had hair, and a lot of it. He couldn't be more than 20 he figured.

"And Ken is so cute," Fay mused as she looked at a photo when he was just a baby.  
"Yeah, you can hardly recognize him," Fin joked and Fay made a face to him. The kid knew humor. Fin loved it.

They went through a lot of photos and Fin lifted her over into his lap after a while. He wanted her closer. They looked at photos of Fin's mom and grandmother. Fay spotted Teresa in a photo and said she hadn't aged at all. Fin smiled as it made Fay sound like an old lady saying that. She knew he had some photos of her and of her mom there too and soon found them. Like any kid she liked seeing herself on photos.

He had actually not long ago gone through these same photos and he'd collected some that were spread around the apartment a bit so Fay spotted a few she didn't know he had. Not that she realized she was looking at new ones though. But she laughed at one he'd taken while Fay was still in her mom's belly. Amanda didn't like having her picture taken, ever, and especially not when she was pregnant. So she was sitting on a bench looking a bit grumpy. He remembered when he'd taken that one.

It'd been only the week before Fay was born actually. He'd teased her about her waddling, which she of course never really did but he just liked teasing her about it since she got so angry. But she had been clumsy, which was usually his department so he liked it when she'd gotten a touch of it too. She'd dropped her soda just as they'd crossed the street and he'd sat her down there to run back over to get her a new one. She didn't like the damsel in distress deal but he'd known she'd been thirsty. He'd forced her to model for a photo though before he gave it to her. Not the best idea if you wanted a photo of a smiling person. But he still really liked that photo. He'd gotten wacked when he handed her the soda.

Fay was looking at a photo of her and her mom right now and Fin noticed she touched her own hair.  
"How come my mama has different hair than I do?" she suddenly asked. Fin looked at the photo but was forced to meet the girl's eyes as she turned her head around to look at him.  
"Well," he said and touched the hair they were talking about, "it's so I can tell you and your mom apart." Fay looked at him without changing her face for a few seconds but then she smiled.  
"Do'h I'm shorter," she said and giggled. Fin chuckled and stroked that mane of hers. She seemed to like the answer though. She did pick up a card of Ken when he was about her age though and she said;

"My hair looks like Ken's, just different color."  
"Yeah it does," Fin said and kissed the top of her head.

He read her to sleep later that night and sat there and watched her sleep for a bit. When he got out into the living room he thought about calling, or at least texting, Amanda but decided not to. He watched a recap of the earlier basketball game and then found a game that was still on. He felt tired though and decided to join the munchkin to dreamland. Fay came rolling over not long after he'd lie down and he fell asleep with her little hand splayed out on the side of his face. He didn't mind at all though.

Fay slept through the entire night and so did Fin. He slept so good that night and didn't even wake up when she entered the room early the next morning. He only woke up as he felt the bed shift a little as she lay down on the other side of Fay. He opened his eyes with a deep inhale and spotted her blonde hair on the other side of a mane of blonde afro. A yawn escaped first but then he got his hand underneath his head so he got up enough to be able to catch at least one of her eyes. She had hers on her daughter's back but soon came up to meet his. He could tell she'd been crying during the night, her eyes were still red. At least she was there he thought though and shot her a tiny smile.

She did her best to smile back. She stroked her daughter's back and leaned in to kiss her hair. Fin moved up a little on his pillow meanwhile so he could get a better look at her.

"You okay?" he asked. She gave it a few minutes, she had her eyes on her sleeping daughter. Then she shook her head. It made his smile vanish. He felt like probing but wasn't sure where to start.  
"I hurt him and that hurts me," she finally whispered, "he was one of the good ones, he deserved better."  
"You are better," he had to say. She met his eyes.

"I didn't love him. I could never love him," she looked sad, "It's always just been you. I cannot love anyone the way I love you. I have to just settle with that." She held his eyes for a while but then looked down. She took a deep breath to keep the tears down. If she even had some left.

"I brought breakfast, I'll set the table. Will you try and get her going?" she asked and gracefully left the bed without shifting in too much. He watched her leave. She loved him. He probably already knew that but hearing it felt… not as good as he'd hoped. She was sad. She shouldn't have to settle for anything. She deserved more than that. But he feared he would only bring more grief to her life if he ever tried to be anything more than her partner.


	33. Regrets

**Major smut warning on this chapter. I blush just thinking about what I wrote :X  
****And then hold on to your seat, scary cliffhanger at the end. It will be the last one though, this fanfic will soon wrap up for good.**

**XXX**

He gave her room the next couple of days but did pry. Or not pry, more that he showed concern. He'd ask her as they were on their way to a case or when they saw each other first thing in the morning, how she was doing. Even though she kept it short she gave him enough information to know where her head was at. He knew he had a part in their break-up and with everything that had been going on lately he wanted to do what little he could do to ease the guilt and sorrow he knew she felt for hurting Ryan.

It didn't go unnoticed by Amanda that Fin showed concern about her state of mind. But he did it with words and not physical contact as they usually did. He volunteered to go pick up Fay after work too so she could go for a run and once even suggested she'd go catch this new movie that he read about and thought she would like. She took him up on that offer actually and with time her blues seemed to thin out. She would always carry some regret with how she handled the whole Ryan business. In hindsight she could see how her inability to share her feelings with him caused a lot of unnecessary heartache.

Which was the same problem she had with Fin she realized. If only they could be better at this whole letting each other in on how they felt and all, things could be different couldn't it? She could see some change in him. She knew for a fact he hadn't touched a drop of alcohol since, she chose to think of it as 'the incident'. And he was clearly more attentive to her feelings and she hoped it wasn't something he just did cause he felt guilt or something but that it was a change that was here to stay. He hadn't initialized physical contact since the incident. When she thought of it they hadn't even hugged for weeks now and she could feel herself longing to be near him again.

She'd been forward enough to ask him if he'd hooked up with someone lately. And with lately obviously meant while she was with Ryan. He'd just shook his head first and she'd thought she had to settle with that but was surprised when he after a slight pause answered her as well.

"I'm taking a break from that too. Alcohol and that urge will take a back seat until I can prove I'm its master." He had to keep his eyes on the road but she'd watched him and saw on his face the sincerity behind his words. She wasn't sure what to say but it didn't feel as though she had to reply. At the next light he turned to her and the sad smile on his face told her just how much he hurt too about the incident. She was able to give him a weak smile back and gave him a small nod right before the lights turned and he had to turn his attention back on the road.

She turned her head too as she felt her eyes watering up some. It was really all so stupid how their inability to talk to each other landed them in such stupid situations over and over again. Why was it so hard to open up to him? And she felt he had the same problem towards her and couldn't understand why it had to be this way. She too figured she had to master her urges a little and decided she would try and work it all out in her head before she acted on any need her body might experience while near him.

**Fin had spent** a lot of time with Fay lately. He'd already known she was a cool kid and a delight to be around but it was only now he realized just how good he felt when around her and her mom. Sure her mom had the ability to drag out both good and bad in him but the kid surely only brought good out of him. He tried to get her to enjoy videogames a little bit more than she did at present but it was a slow progress and most of the time he found himself doing what she liked. And to his surprise actually liking it.

Today drawing had been her choice as they waited for her mom to get dinner ready. Fin had never been good at it but in Fay's eyes he was a mastermind graffiti artist. She had him draw her name in big, bulky, colorful letters ever so often and she loved every single piece he made for her. Today though he struggled with the dog she'd requested instead of her name in graffiti. He sighed for the millionth time but by now Fay just ignored him. She'd tried to encourage him earlier but then all he did was ask if he couldn't trace his police badge instead. She'd told him she didn't want a badge, that policework wasn't for her. Once the dog's tail was in place but Fin didn't feel like showing the pitiful canine to her he enquired about her sudden change in not wanting to be a cop like her mom.

"So you don't want to be a detective when you grow up then Fay?" Fin asked. The girl shook her head without looking at him.  
"You know what you want to be?" he asked and she nodded with intensity but with her eyes still glued to the crayon that she moved over the paper to make it as colorful as the rest of her paintings.  
"Tell me," he urged having the patience of a child. She looked up at him and gave him that bright smile of hers.

"I want to be the person that paints the lines on the road," she declared very proudly. Fin made a face.  
"Huh, say what?"  
"You heard me," she said, sounding very much like her mother, and started to paint again, "I'm going to be the one that paints white lines down the roads."

"Why on earth would you want to do that?" Fin asked. She kept moving the crayon over the painting as she told him;  
"Well don't you see, he gets to go all over the world. He gets to see every street everywhere. And he gets paid while doing it," she looked up and gave him a 'duh' face, "He's like Santa but doesn't have to deliver any toys or have kids with runny noses in his lap. He just sits in his truck and get to paint as he sees the whole world. I can't think of a better job than that."

She grabbed a new crayon and started with that color on the paper. Fin tried his best to not laugh out loud but couldn't contain it for long. Fay shook his head at him but with a smile as she continued painting.  
"Oh you kill me," he said as he could catch his breath again and he reached out and touched her head.

"Okay, show me how straight a line you can paint then. I don't want to go down crocked streets you know." Fay immediately got up and came over to stand in front of Fin. With her red crayon she draw a not so straight line on Fin's paper.  
"I'm thinking I'm going to use different colors though. You know just not white," Fay told him, "that way it would be easier for folks to find their homes as well. They could say they live on the street with the purple line."  
"I think that's an awesome idea," Fin said and actually wasn't being sarcastic. Fay shot him a look over her shoulder and smiled. She was truly an amazing kid and he couldn't contain himself. He had to grab her and tickle her on the couch. He stopped only when she declared that she was going to pee in her pants. Amanda, who had watched them from across the room, felt it was a good queue for her to let them both know dinner was ready.

**It was situations** like that, when he paid Fay attention and showed her affection, combined with his apparent shift in temperament that really started to make Amanda feel that desire for him again. She'd owned up to him, in a weak moment but still, that she loved him. She remembered saying something about settling and she wasn't sure that had been completely fair to him but she had been honest with how she felt at that moment. She wanted honesty to be a vital part of their relationship from now on. If they would ever have a future it had to be honest. She really didn't want to just go back to casual sex but her body and mind fought an unspoken war lately.

She did see change in him and hoped it meant something positive for their future but on the other hand she could settle with what they had before if that was all she could get. Not the most exhilarating thought perhaps but what she had before with Fin was more than exhilarating. It had been earth moving most of the time. And she started to long for that. For him.

But with the incident still fresh in mind it wasn't that simple. It did leave her feeling a bit uneasy just thinking about being near him again. She had forgiven but she hadn't forgotten the conflicting feelings. The shame and the doubt in herself that he'd caused her.

Her new catchphrase was 'the best way out is always through'. At her latest appointment with dr Olivet they'd discussed Amanda's inclination to run from things. Of course Amanda hadn't told her anything about the incident but the split from Ryan had been brought up. Olivet urged her to try and 'sit through some feelings instead of trying to push them down or run from them'. All Amanda could think of right there and then was how Fin would laugh out loud if he'd heard that. But the more she thought about it the more she understood Olivet had a valid point. She did run from things ever so often. So she remembered something she'd read somewhere in the past. The best way out is always through. So she decided to run through and not from this time around.

He wasn't expecting anyone but figured it had to be one of his buddies since it was rather late in the evening. He checked the peephole and was surprised to see Amanda outside. She was leaning against the doorframe. He opened the door quickly.

"Hey," he said surprised with a smile on his face. She just gave him a nod. He couldn't get a good read on her face. She didn't look upset but she had a slight aura of nervousness around her. She kept quiet which made it even harder for him to read her.

"You wanna come inside?" he asked. She gave him a nod after a slight hesitation and once he stepped to the side she quickly pushed herself off the doorframe and walked by him. He watched her take her boots off as he closed the door behind her. He waited while she hung her jacket by the door and then followed her inside. She stopped suddenly though but as he'd been watching her every move he stopped before he walked into her. She spun around and faced him. She'd caught her lower lip with her teeth. His eyes narrowed a little as he studied her. He was just about to ask if she wanted something to drink when she let her lip go and finally spoke.

"How are you doing with all that master of your domains matter" Her eyes went unconsciously down to his crotch for a second but it still didn't click straight away for him. She could see on his face when the coin finally dropped though.

"You think you have it handled now?" she asked and he liked the cheeky look on her face. He nodded with self-confidence. It looked as though she was about to turn towards his bedroom but changed her mind with a serious face and said;

"I'm in charge." He nodded immediately. When she didn't move he feared she'd taken a step she wasn't ready for but then she suddenly put her hands around his wrists for leverage as she got up on her toes and kissed him. She tasted peppermint he noticed as she open up her mouth slowly. She leaned back down on her feet and repeated;

"I'm in charge." He nodded again. She kept her hand around one of his wrists and led him towards his bedroom. He was more than willing to follow her anywhere.

Once in the bedroom he remained where she let him go and watched her go through the dark room to his bed panel to turn the upward lights on. She had her head turned away from him but her voice was enough to send shivers down his spine as she said quietly;  
"Take your clothes off and get on the bed."

He wasn't used to taking orders in the bedroom but he could get used to this. He tried to contain himself though, knowing it was important he did and he removed his clothes slowly but focused not letting her go with his eyes. She'd walked over to the windows to pull the curtains shut. He only had sweatpants, boxers and a tee on so he was done rather quickly, before she'd even removed a single piece of her clothing. He'd never been shy about his own body and he climbed up on the bed and laid down on his back. He put one hand underneath his head to come up a little so he could watch her.

She didn't offer a strip show, just removed piece by piece but it was still the most sensual undressing he'd ever seen. He was happy to see that she even removed her tee and completely naked she crawled up next to him. Her hair was out and fell forward over her chest, making her nipples tease his eyes between strands of hair. He moved his eyes up to hers as she bent down slowly to put her lips on his. He stayed complete still and closed his eyes as her lips covered his. He let her take charge, let her set the pace, just followed her move. Her tongue played around his lips for a while before it entered slowly. As she intensified the kiss he felt her move across his body. He opened up his eyes a little only to meet just a hint of her blues.

He fought the urge to raise his hand and place it on her as he removed it from underneath his head. Instead he let it rest next to his body just as his other hand. She had one hand on the side of his face and she used the other one for leverage right underneath his arm as she got her leg over him and down on the other side of him. She stayed on her knees, making the only contact with him the slight contact her thighs had with his sides, the soft touch of her hair on his chest and shoulders, her hand on his face and her lips on his. She let go of his face and moved her hand down to his chest and as she slowly sat down on his midriff she moved the other hand up to his chest too. The harder contact with her thighs and the tickling feel of her pubic hair on his stomach sent electric jolts down to his growing erection. He managed to stay planted though and let her have the control she'd asked for.

With her mouth still attached to his she pushed herself further down over him. He focused on his breathing as he felt her come down over his hard-on. He watched her close her eyes as she rubbed herself up against him and he so desperately wanted to touch her face. Wanted to caress all that wild hair back so he could see all of her beautiful face but he clutched the bedspread underneath his palms and held tight to respect her wishes. He felt one of her hands travel down between them. She brought it down between her own legs and started rubbing her fingers back and forth between her folds. She let his mouth go as she felt the need to breathe harder and she ended up resting her forehead close to his mouth. He closed his eyes and just listen to her breathing picking up, her panting that increased with the faster her hand went between them.

He felt her hip move slightly, the muscles in her legs flexed at times and the back of her hand rubbed up against him as she caressed herself. Feeling all that and her panting right by his ear left him in a situation he'd never been in before. Feeling and hearing her pleasing herself was something of the most erotic he'd ever experienced. When she felt ready she pulled her hand up and then she got back up on her knees. Fin opened his eyes to see her when she grabbed a hold of him. She looked down as she guided herself down over him but as soon as he got inside her she tossed her head back up with a pleasurable groan. He fought hard to not move up against her as her groan got his entire body trembling. Or perhaps it was the way she felt around him. She was wet and warm and when she got all the way to his core she shivered slightly the way she did when he hit just the right spot.

Her hands had been barely touching him but now she put her palms down flat on his stomach as she opened her eyes back up. He caught her foggy gaze as she pushed herself up slowly only to fall back down just as slowly. She used her hands and her legs to repeat it and she got into a slow but steady rhythm. Her eyes kept falling shut with pleasure and she ended up raising her head to the ceiling as soft moans escaped her throat. He watched her, watched them. Her toned thighs as they worked to get her hip moving up and down on top of him. Himself the few seconds she was up and then as he disappeared inside that inviting warm cave of hers. He felt her nails dig into his skin every time she got down to his core. He watched the muscles over her stomach work as waves of satisfaction beamed through her, the way every deep inhale made her ribcage stand out and that slight bounce in her small breasts every time she came down over him. He watched the veins in her neck, how her hair started to stick to the back of her neck and the visible desire all over her face.

She slowed down her pace a little and when she opened her eyes they stared at each other, now both with foggy eyes. She bit her lip and he so desperately wanted to touch her. As she sensed it she came back down over him. Her perky nipples felt like ice as they reached his chest and her soft hair felt electrical as it washed down over him. He welcomed her lips and let her tongue straight in. He'd clutched the bedspread without knowing it but as her hands came down over his arms he turned his hands over so her palms could slip over his. Their fingers entwined but he made sure she could slip out if she wanted to. She'd stopped moving up and down and instead moved her hip back and forth over him. They kissed but had to come up for air every now and then. He felt her starting to leave him again and let out a moan of dislike as her body separated from his. She let go of his hands but grabbed a hold of one of them and brought it back up with her as she sat up over him again.

He watched her with his hand between both of hers. She unfolded his hand and placed his palm right above her pelvic bone. Her pubic hair tempted him to go down but he let her guide his hand up her body instead. She had a grip around his wrist and the other hand held on to one of his fingers. She pushed his hand up, slipping on the slight shimmer of sweat that now graced her body. He enjoyed the way she felt underneath his palm. She kept moving her hip back and forth. He knew that when he was that deep inside her, all the way to the core, he could touch a spot that would make her scream. But she decided where he could go and he was fine with it. He could stay here the entire night, that's how much he enjoyed this.

She dragged his hand up between her breasts, his hand was wide enough to graze them though. She moved it up over her throat and she let it stay there awhile. She moved her hand from his wrists and pushed his hand hard around her own throat. He felt every breath underneath his palm and he watched her eyes almost roll up into its own sockets as she tilted her hip so he touched that weak spot inside of her. She looked amazing.

She tilted her hip back up and managed to get some sense back. She interlocked her eyes with his as she pushed his hand even further up. Smoothly she pushed two of his fingers inside her mouth and the sensation ran down his arm as she sucked on hard. She kept his eyes with hers as she played around with his fingers in her mouth. Every time she latched on with suction it sent shivers down his arm and out of his groin. He knew she played with him and he enjoyed it to the fullest. Her saliva over his fingers made a trail as she pushed his hand downwards again. She stopped by her breast and helped him squeezed it hard. He wanted to stay and play with her nipple but didn't object as she brought his hand down even further. She placed it on her hip and then reached down to grab his other hand. He came to meet her and let her guide it to her other hip.

He let his hands just rest there, enjoying just feeling her skin underneath his palm, as she again started to move up and down over him. He could feel her muscles working underneath his palms and as her rhythm got faster and harder he started to feel the muscles inside her work as well. Her breath became very heavy very fast. Her palms had been resting on his stomach again but now he started to feel her nails dig into him with every overwhelming wave that ran through her body. It didn't hurt, just added to his own pleasure. She'd moved her knees out even further from him, making her come down even deeper on top of him and every time she reached the core of him he hit that spot that made her plead out a little every time he touched it. He could see on her eyes, on her face, that she wasn't far off.

She managed to get control of her voice for a bit and she asked him:  
"Are you ready to?" Her tongue swept over her lips as he nodded. He knew exactly what she meant. He knew he'd be able to come inside her the second he let himself go.

"Not before me okay?" it was more a demand than a question but he nodded again so she'd know he got her. She stayed low, grinded him hard back and forth. She kept going for a while, he could see frustration spread over her face. He'd seen it before on her face, when she wanted to come so hard she almost blocked herself. He knew ways to help her out but this was her ride and he'd only do it if she gave the go ahead. She grabbed a hold of his hands as tiny whimpers escaped her throat and their fingers entwined in the air between them, palms pushing hard against each other. She'd avoided his eyes as heated frustration flushed over her but now he managed to interlock his eyes with hers.

His face made her feel calm and as he felt her relax just a little above him he moved his knees up, making his own hip tilt slightly. She felt the movement and then got back into the deep, fast rhythm. It was all she needed. Within seconds she cried out and he held her up with his palms against hers as her walls caved in around him. He watched her with a smile and tried to hold it in for just a few more seconds knowing his orgasm would bring her back over again and only prolong her own pleasure. Just as he felt her peek he released and couldn't help but push his hip up in hard, rhythmic convulsions as he poured out inside of her.

Just as expected it made her travel back up that peek and she cried out yet again. He let her fall down over him as the orgasm wore off slowly. He could still feel her walls pulsating around him and he took it all in. The way she felt against his body, her heart beat pumping hard against him, her panting near his ear. He appreciated it all. Felt joy that he hadn't spoiled it all, that he could still have this.

She let his hands go and let them run up around his head. He dared to move his hands up over her back. Just carefully caressed her back, moving around the dampness that covered her entire body. He loved this. Having her near. He never wanted to lose this.

They laid there for a rather long time. She lay completely still, still coming down from the mind blowing orgasm she'd just had and only let her fingers play a little over his clean cut scalp. She loved the way he smelled after sex, the way he felt against her, inside her. He was still inside her and she knew he would be as long as she didn't move so she stayed there for a while, just enjoying being one with him. Finally though she slowly slipped down to his side. He kept his arm around her and caressed away damp hair from her face as she placed her head on the side of his chest.

God she was gorgeous he thought to himself. She looked up at him and gave him a shy smile. Her eyes were starting to clear up from the aroused fog that had covered them earlier. Her cheeks were still flushed and combined with the damp hair around her face it told him a story of fulfilled lust. Her eyes shied away from his but he squeezed her shoulder and leaned down to kiss the top of her head to make her know she had nothing to feel shy about. She snuggled in a little closer to him and he let his fingers run circles on her shoulder as they just breathed slowly together.

"Can I stay the night?" she whispered after a while.  
"Of course," he answered quickly and squeezed her shoulder a little again. It made him happy she would stay.  
"Fay?" he asked though.  
"I left her at Eva's. Said it might be for the night," she let him know.  
"I'm glad you're staying," he said quietly as he held her eyes with his. He could see that made her happy to hear.

They stayed in bed for a while. Lay on top of the bedspread, completely bare. She was shielded a bit by his body but he made no attempts to cover himself. It still wasn't really bedtime though so finally they both started to stir. Amanda stole his tee before he could grab it and pulled it over her own head. She gave him a cheeky smile as she pulled it down. He tried to look miffed but failed as he loved seeing her in his clothes and headed over to his dresser to get a new one for himself.

She tip toed into the bathroom to use the can as he pulled a new tee and his old boxers back on.

"I feel like tea, you want some?" he asked and shot her a look. She was on the can with the door open. She nodded. He turned to leave but kept his eyes on her. He still felt a bit overjoyed she was staying and it was fun to see her on his toilet. She gave him a questionable glare but couldn't hide her smile well enough for him to even think she minded him looking. Finally though he turned his head too though as he didn't get through the door frame properly. He heard her smirk at his clumsiness but just kept walking towards the kitchen with a smile on his face.

He got the kettle on and then put down two mugs on the counter. He found the box with the chamomile tea he knew she liked and put a bag in each mug. He wasn't tired but felt a bit drowsy and yawned as he turned to look out the window for a bit. The sky was clear, lots of stars out. They'd said on the TV that the temperature would be low tonight, fall was here and winter soon approaching. He didn't mind though, Christmases these last few years had been fun. And it was all thanks to that little one he'd helped create.

His thoughts had made him inattentive and he got startled when he suddenly felt her hands come around his waist from the back.  
"Sorry," she whispered as she wrapped her arms completely around him and pressed her body to his back.  
"No worry," he smiled.  
"Stargazing?" she asked. He got his hands off the counter and let them run up her thighs and up over her ass. He got a bit disappointed when he felt she'd put panties back on but it soon disappeared.

"No need to, I have my star right here," his smile widen as he thought he'd been so smart.  
"Ass-kisser," she teased. She'd tried to keep a stern voice but it failed as he squeezed her butt cheeks and she started to giggle.  
"Oh I can kiss your ass if you want me to," he teased back. She let him go as he spun around and it looked as though she was trying to get away but he managed to grab her before she was able to and he brought her into his arms.  
"Oh no," she giggled.  
"Oh yes," he chuckled as his got his lips on her temple. She squirmed a bit but his hands were all over and keeping her tight. She tried to bend her head away as his mouth went down over her ear. He fought to kiss her and then let his tongue out to touch her ear.  
"Sick," she giggled so much it was hard to hear what she was saying. He managed to shove his tongue in her ear in a playful manner but then had to stick it back in as he was chuckling so much he risked biting himself in the process.

The kettle started to make a sound it had enough and it got them to set back down a bit. He got her to spin around towards her and before he let her go he placed a kiss on her lips. His tongue made a quick visit inside her mouth before he headed over to the stove. She slapped his arm a little before he was out of reach.

"You know where that tongue just were right?" he teased as he grabbed the kettle.  
"Well not my ass at least," she shot back but the raised eyebrow she got from him just made her giggle and shake her head. He poured hot water in the two mugs and Amanda grabbed them to bring into the living room.

He joined her on the couch a few seconds later. She'd put the TV on and found a pre-season basketball game that could be good to watch. He sat down on the other side of the couch from her, they'd found their way back to their usual places. He offered her the box of cereal that he'd brought with him but just got a raised eyebrow from her.

"No?" he asked with a smile, "more for me." She hid her smile with the tea mug but found it was still too hot and let it sit in her lap for a while longer. She tried to focus on the game but had to look over from time to time at him as he was shoving cereal straight from the box into his mouth. He knew she was looking but paid it no attention and just smiled as he kept munching on his favorite food.

This felt very much like five years ago. And just two hours later when she was snoozing peacefully on his arm in his dark bedroom it was his turn to watch her. He carefully, so not to wake her, wiped away some strands of hair that had fallen over her face as she finally found a comfortable spot on his arm to fall asleep on. Yes this felt very much like five years ago but it was five years down the line, a baby and a lot of heart ache later. Sure a lot of laughter and good times but any heart ache was a bad thing. He knew now that he wanted her there every night and he somehow needed to let her know. He felt ready to open up, to really let her in. The thought both scared him and made him happy but he knew he couldn't pass up any more opportunities. He would not hurt her again, not intentionally.

"I love you," he whispered and kissed her forehead before he lay down and closed his eyes. He fell asleep lulled by her peaceful snoozes and with a warm feeling around his heart.

**They rode in** together to work the next day. She had her car outside his house and he lived only minutes from the station. She had the same outfit as yesterday but didn't think anyone would notice anyway. They had a difficult case on their hands. A woman who kept naming different assailants to her sexual assault was making it hard for them to get a grip on the story. So far they'd questioned five potential assailants. Amanda was dead set on it being this one sleazeball but Amaro was leaning towards another suspect. She would, of course, be right at the end but they weren't there just yet and it became a long night and another few days.

By Friday though they had it all settled and could wrap up early. Fin asked if he could come with her and she didn't have a problem with it.  
"Could be fun to see the kid," he said. He hadn't been able to see her this week cause of the case and he still didn't want to just invite himself over so Amanda would think he wanted a quick fix like all the previous times. Sure he wanted to see the kid but most of all he wanted to hang out with both of them. He hoped being around them, being around Amanda, would make him open up to her about a few things he now felt ready to share with her.

They stopped by Eva's to pick up Fay. Esteban opened the door and he and Fin did they're hand salute while Amanda went inside. Fin had been a big support for Esteban a few years back when he had some trouble with bullies in school. Fin had stopped by his school after classes once or twice making sure the blue lights on his car was on and his badge was showing. Just talking to Esteban and the kid getting to tell his class mates Fin was his friend made him rise a little on the social latter. Of course it was a deeper problem than that but with Fins help Esteban got a little more 'gusto in his pants' as Fin put it.

Amanda found Eva and the kids in the kitchen playing memory but Fay broke the formation as soon as she saw her mom. She jumped up into her arms and Amanda gave her a big hug.  
"Hey rat, guess who's with me?" she said and Fay squealed as she wiggled down from her mom's embrace and ran to the door.  
"Fin baby," she heard her daughter scream and she could picture how she jumped up into his arms. It made her smile.

"Hi Johnny, you okay today?" Amanda asked as she roughed up his hair a little. The boy just nodded as he was turning over every single memory card on the table knowing the game was over anyway.  
"Hi Eva, how was your day?" she turned to his mother instead.  
"Fine thank you. Yours?" Eva said as she cleared the table of some dishes and brought them over to the sink.  
"Okay."  
"Everyone's safe?" Eva asked and Amanda nodded.

"Good. You'll find a note from the teacher in your daughter's backpack," Eva said with the same kind smile on her face.  
"Oh no, what did she do this time?" Amanda sighed. It happen about once a month her daughter managing to get into some sort of trouble in preschool. Mostly it was innocent enough but it still wasn't good.

"She said it was the frog's fault," Eva smiled and looked very amused.  
"Frog?" Amanda couldn't help but smile but then sighed.  
"I better read the letter I guess?" she said and Eva nodded.

"Fay, say bye and thank you to Eva," Amanda shouted over her shoulder.  
"Thanks Eva. Bye Johnny," Amanda said as she headed for the door. Her daughter came running past her and she heard her say bye and thank you. Good manners were important to Amanda, especially when it was directed to a godsend like Eva. Fin was hanging in the door chatting up Esteban.

"Grab your backpack," Amanda said as she heard her daughter come running up behind her. She froze mid-step and turned to get her bag that she of course had forgotten in the kitchen. She still managed to reach the door before her mom though and jumped up into Fin's arms again. Fin took the backpack from her and hung it over one of his arms as he placed Fay on the other one.

"Later Est'ban," Fin said and the two gave each other knuckles. Fay giggled at them. Amanda touched the boy's head as she walked by. Fin took lead up the stairs.

"What's this about some frog and a note from your teacher?" Amanda asked as they walked up the stairs. She saw her daughter's eyes briefly before she shamefully buried her face on Fin's shoulder. Fin glanced back at Amanda.  
"Squirt, haven't I taught you better, why are you keep getting busted," Fin said and patted the kid's butt.  
"What?" he asked as Fay apparently was saying something into his shoulder. Fay's head popped back up and she pouted her lips.  
"It was the frog's fault. And Cameron's," Fay started but Amanda interrupted her.  
"What have I told you about blaming others Fay?" Amanda scolded and looked at her daughter with a serious face.

The girl admitted it was her fault, well mostly but someone named Cameron and someone named Carol was also to blame. Fin tried to listen intensely. Fay's speech was really coming along but there were still words Fin didn't get. But he got that Cameron's sister, Carol, who was in some higher grade at the school had told him, Cameron that was, that the frog they had in her classroom would be chopped up. The frog was apparently cute though which Fay had seen when she sneaked into Carol's classroom during recess. Fay had decided to save the frog from getting chopped up but then something had happen that made the frog get away and someone had been crying and many had been screaming and Fay couldn't catch Froggy because he was slimy and well a bit icky.

Someone named ms Enos had been angry and Fay and Johnny had run and hid from her but got caught. Johnny tried to cover for Fay which Fin could have told him was a stupid idea cause the kid on his arm could not keep a lie for long. Ms Enos had then apparently put Fay in time out on some chair from which Fay had again run because she was so worried about Froggy and wanted to try and find him since she now knew he wasn't going to get chopped up and he might be cold somewhere outside. Ms Enos caught Fay again, Fay did not catch Froggy and everyone in school was mad at Fay now. That was at least what Fin caught from the girl's rambling that ended just as they reached the door and when Fay took a deep breath with a sob stuck in there too.

"I bet the frog isn't mad at you," Fin said and Amanda slapped his back as she walked by to unlock the door for them. Just like him to make a joke at this point, it wasn't helping since Amanda had to fight to keep a straight face already. This kid of hers got in such ridiculous jams and since her good heart always seemed to shine through in every scenario it was hard to be strict and a 'good parent'.

Fay put her palm against his cheek and smiled at him through watery eyes. Their daughter had a flair for drama and she'd learnt very young that tears in her eyes may soften any blow that was coming. These days though they weren't buying into it any longer. Fin couldn't wait to see how Amanda dealt with this.  
"Put the accused on the bench please," Amanda told Fin as they got it and he knew what to do. He handed Amanda Fay's backpack before he headed towards the kitchen counter. Amanda knew she was strict but it was for Fay's wellbeing.

As a cop you met so many lost kids out there and a common theme were often parents who didn't care enough and hit too hard. Amanda knew she could so easily have been one of those lost kids herself, her sister was in a way lost. God know their parents didn't care enough about the kids they brought into this world and he better know how hard their mom could hit. Amanda would never use her mom's ways. She would never lock her in a dark closet over night, nor would she never ever put her hand on Fay. No good came of hitting your kid. It only dug a wider gap between parent and child. Her mom had used violence to claim the authority she felt entitled to just because she was her offspring.

Most of the time a single slap was enough for Amanda to get submissive but there had been times when she tried to stand her ground because ever so often she hadn't done anything wrong in the first place. I mean what five year old knew that they couldn't pass through the kitchen right then because it would disturb their mom's focus on making dinner? What four year old knew she couldn't flush the toilet after had used it because it made her mom's migraine worse? So she'd tried at times to take it. One slap to the head. A second one to the cheek. A third one to the cheek. And then the fist had always closed and it got too painful to stand tall. It was better to cover your head with your arms, perhaps even get down on the floor to cover from the many blows that followed to ensure defiance got beaten down.

The last time, Amanda remembered it well. She'd been sixteen. She couldn't remember what had set her mom off though, it might even had been something she deserved to be punished for but not like that. She took four open hand slaps to the face and a fifth with a closed fist. As the sixth was about to land though Amanda had grabbed her mom's wrist. There had been this long glare, like a battle with their eyes. Amanda had seen it in her mom's eyes. That split second when doubt crept into her mom and her arm had eased underneath her grip. It had stopped trying to reach her and it would not come again. Sure other objects would be coming flying to her head during the year and a half that she had to endure before she could move out. But that was the last time she'd been hit by her mom's hand.

She'd let her go and then turned and walked out the door. She had been out running for hours. She had to come back though but something had changed. Amanda grew a little over that summer, got a little bit more height on her mom and some more muscles on her body. Kim had never had to sustain as many blows at Amanda so the slapping stopped all around. Not that bottles and kitchen utensils thrown at you couldn't be dangerous but there was something about a parent's hand. It caused so much deeper pain Amanda still to this day couldn't put words on it.

So she always had that in the back of her head when she needed to discipline Fay. She would never hit or abuse her but she would try and guide her right and if that meant being strict so be it. Thankfully Fay wasn't a difficult kid. They had the time-outs on the couch with no TV on which would work after only a minute since this kid of hers could not sit still for longer than that. Once Fay realized she could be stuck there for three minutes, her age in minutes were appropriate Amanda had read in some book on parenting, she would apologize in advance. And she wouldn't just apologize. No even at three, almost four, she did know right from wrong and would own up to her wrongdoings as well. It was rare she got into the same trouble more than once, unfortunately though this kid got in the strangest jams.

Fin had walked over to the counter with the accused, formerly known as Fay, but Fay held on to his shirt as he put her down. She let go though right after he looked her square in the eyes and said:  
"The truth will set you free." He went to stand by the other counter. Amanda had fished up the note from Fay's teacher and held it up, still folded, in the air.

"Will your story agree with whatever's in this note from you teacher?" she asked and looked seriously at the little girl with the pouty lips that sat before her.  
"Yeah," the girl said quietly with a not so believable voice.  
"You want to stick with that answer?" Amanda asked and the girl nodded without much hesitation. Fin had folded his arms in front of him and watched the scene play out trying to hide his amusement.

"Okay before I read the note though there are a few things I want to point out in your statement young lady. You used the word _sneaked_ into Cameron's older sisters class room which indicates you should not have been there in the first place. The second thing was that you ran away from your teacher which I'm not proud to hear. Then there was another _sneaked_ in your story as you told me you sneaked out of the time out chair. Another not so proud moment for the accused's mama to hear," Amanda took a breath and saw Fay was about to say something but she quiet down when Amanda held up her finger in the air.

"I do however understand you wanting to save Froggy from getting chopped up but… But you went about it the wrong way. Had you gone to your teacher or Carol's teacher to start with you would have found out you cannot always trust third graders and, or their little brothers. You get it? A simply yes or no will do," Amanda waited and got a yes after some more pouting.

"Okay, now I'm going to read the note from your teacher to see what the sentence will be," Amanda dramatically got the note unfolded making it obvious for Fin who Fay got the dramatic flair from. The girl turned her head towards him and he winked at her. She still looked miserable though. She looked back at her mother and tried to wait patiently. Soon though her tiny feet started pumping but as her heels started bumping into the cabinet underneath her Amanda looked up and said:  
"Silence in court please," making Fay stop immediately. Amanda then folded the note up again and Fay looked eager to hear her sentence.

"Okay so the witness statement pretty much collaborates your story. Do you remember what collaborates mean?" Amanda asked and Fay nodded once.  
"Agrees with my story," the girl said and Fin felt very proud. Too bad she wanted to paint the lines on the street cause she could grow up to be a damn good lawyer if Amanda kept this up. Or a hustler he added in his thought and almost chuckled. If he made that comment out loud he was sure it would earn him a punch on the arm from the judge in the kitchen and he turned his attention back to the courtroom.

"That's right. So your teacher wants you to apologize to ms Campbell's class on Monday for losing their pet frog. After dinner we will sit down and talk about what you're going to say. Understood?" Amanda asked and Fay nodded.  
"On Monday after school I want you to be able to tell me you walked in there with a straight back and truly got why you apologized and that you truly meant it. Deal?"  
"Deal," she said and looked a little more relieved.

"Okay squirt go put your bag away, wash your hands and then get back out here and help us fix dinner," Amanda walked over to her with the backpack, kissed her head and then lifted her down on the floor.  
"I love you mama," the girl said before she ran out of there. Amanda took a deep breath and then turned to him. He shook his head at her.

"What?" she asked as she walked over to the fridge.  
"I just love how awesomely you deal with stuff like that. You made her into the incredible person she is today," he said with arms still folded. She wasn't good with praise and kept her head down inside the fridge so she didn't have to look at him.

"You had some to do with that too you know. What was it you said? Cool gangsta swag?" she said as she came back out with some vegetables in her hand and she was referring to a previous discussion they had some time ago. She remembered a few other things they'd done after that discussion to and she felt her cheeks get a little flushed. He unfolded his arms and grabbed her as she tried to pass. He twisted her so he could look at her front center. He felt like kissing her but knew the rules. Nothing in front of Fay that could conflict her. He had to settle with just looking at her. She started to squirm underneath his intense gaze and then her phone buzzed on the table as she received a text. The both looked over briefly.

"What are we making?" he asked as he took the vegetables from her so she could go check her phone.  
"There are chicken leftovers in the fridge. I was thinking pasta with that and a salad. Sounds good enough?" He nodded as she walked over to the table. Fin put the vegetables on the counter and then went over to fill a pot with water for the pasta. Amanda chuckled as she watched her phone.

"What's up?" he had to ask.  
"Gayle you know, she wants me to come to some elaborate party in Hell's Kitchen tonight," Amanda made a face while still watching her screen.  
"Yeah? You wanna go?" he asked thinking he could babysit even though he didn't want her to leave. She looked up at him and held his eyes for a while.  
"No," she said with a tone that let him know there wasn't anywhere else she wanted to be tonight than right there. He hoped he had something to do with that but didn't get the chance to ask as a child interrupted them.

"What can I do?" Fay hollered as she ran over to hug Fin's leg.  
"We're doing chicken, pasta and salad. Pick your poison?" Amanda said as she lifted down an oven safe plate for the chicken from the cabinet.  
"Pasta," the girl said which was no surprise since she always picked whatever Fin was doing. Fin lifted her up so she could reach the pasta from the cabinet above the fridge. Amanda got the chicken and sauce into the oven and then got started with the salad. Fin and Fay set the table as they waited for the pasta water to boil.

"Can I go watch some TV before dinner mama?" Fay asked once the table was set.  
"Sure. Don't forget what we're doing after dinner though," Amanda said as the girl ran out. Amanda put the salad on the table.

"Is it okay if I just take a quick shower?" she asked Fin and he nodded.  
"Just turn the oven down if I'm not out in ten," she said and disappeared. He checked time for the pasta and when he saw he had time to check on the little one he left the kitchen. He wanted to know what cartoon she liked the best right now and hoped she would try and do an interpretation of it. He loved when she did that.

**A little later** they were all gathered at the table. Fin loved this. Amanda was always fun to be around and the kid was hilarious. The conversation tonight mostly surrounded the prisoner Fay had busted out during the day. The frog she named Froggy but apparently officially went by the name Bruce. A name Fay of course didn't think suited a frog and she thought about Kermit but he didn't look like a Kermit so it had become Froggy once she committed to a name. Fay was worried now that Froggy felt scared and alone out there in the real world and started to truly get she'd done a wrong, not just because she got caught. The kid had a conscious and it made both Amanda and Fin very happy even if the little girl's heart ached a little right now.

He stayed around as Amanda and Fay sat down to come up with what to tell the class Monday when she had to apologize. Amanda put down a few notes so they wouldn't forget and could go back over them once they had everything down that she wanted to say. They agreed to go back over it on Sunday as well to fresh up Fay's mind. Fin wished he could be a fly on the wall come Monday. He knew Fay's apology would be outstanding, could be Oscar worthy, but he hoped he at least would get her report afterwards.

Once Fay was all tucked in asleep they sat around on the couch for a bit. They ended up talking about the case they'd worked this last week. Fin gave Amanda props for figuring out the assailant at such an early stage and with all the conflicting statements from the victim that didn't help out at all. Even work related praise made Amanda feel uncomfortable and she took it to gloating a bit too much to get through it. He could see it was a cop-out though but didn't bust her on it. Once they'd emptied the subject there was a slight awkward silence that followed.

"Maybe I should head home," he started even though he didn't want to.  
"Sure, you don't want to stay? We could do that museum thing with Fay tomorrow?" she tried to sound casual.  
"Yeah?" he asked and she gave him a nod to affirm she wanted him to stay.

"Couch?" he asked. She bit down on her lip a little as she racked her brain.  
"We could put a pillow between us on the bed?" she suggested and it made him chuckle.  
"It will work without. You sure though?" he wanted to make sure it was okay with her. She nodded.

"Cool," he said. They stayed up a while longer but then headed to bed. They started talking while tucked in, each on their side and Fin made sure to stay there. They talked about small stuff, something Fay said earlier in the week, how the NBA teams looked pre-season and then about some people around their squad room. It was nice just laying there and talking in the dark. Finally Amanda said she was tired and they said good night. They'd never really cozied or ended things with romantic gestures and they wouldn't tonight either even though Fin really felt like just giving her a good night kiss.

He didn't get why it was so hard to just lean over and plant one on her. She wouldn't object would she? He didn't want to take her for granted though. He knew he had amends to do here, he'd treated her wrong, not just a couple of months ago but for years and he knew he had to do better if he wanted something more. She deserved more. How she would want him was still beyond him though. He was old enough to be her father and with everything he'd done and his inability to connect and all. No he would never get just why but he knew better than to question it. She'd turned away from him once she said good night but now she came rolling back over. He saw her hand fall down a bit away from her body and after have thought about it for a while he dared to reach out. He knew she would be awake but perhaps too sleepy to reflect on his touch. Either way he was still pleased with the tiny squeeze he got and he fell asleep with her hand still in his.

**As usual Amanda** would be the first one to wake up in the morning and was all done and dressed once Fin finally came too. He knew at least he'd stayed on his side of the bed as that's where he woke up and he wasn't one to move around much in his sleep. He heard the TV or the radio playing down the hall and he could smell Amanda's shower gel in the air. She most have had a shower without him even waking up. He pulled his pants back on knowing a shirt and boxers wasn't an outfit that worked with Amanda in front of Fay. She didn't mind casual and tee and boxers worked for the couch so okay the rules where fuzzy but Fin still had a handle on them.

He found her with a cup of coffee and the newspaper by the kitchen table.  
"Morning," she smiled as she looked up when she heard him coming.  
"Good morning," he smiled back and put a hand on her back.  
"You want coffee?" she asked and got up when he nodded. He wouldn't have mind getting it himself but he appreciated it not being at his best in the mornings.

"Kid's awake?" he asked once he noticed the cartoons on the TV.  
"Not so much," she let him know as she came back with his cup. He took it with a thanks and had a taste with his eyebrow raised at her.  
"She was up but then crashed on the couch again," Amanda let him know tossing her head towards the living room.  
"Just my kind of kid," he smiled and took his cup and walked over there.  
"Yeah funny coincident right?" he heard Amanda tease behind him and he shot her a mischievous look over her shoulder.

He found Fay wiped out on the couch and he got her head and back up so he could sneak in underneath. He smiled as she crumbled her nose a little when he put her back down in his lap. He managed to snatch the remote from her hand and flipped to a morning show to see what was going on in the world. He ended up just watching the kid though. She was a joy to be around when awake but she was awfully sweet when asleep too.

**A little later** on, when everyone was fed and mostly dressed, they were getting ready to head to the children's museum and some exhibition for the Lunar Year celebration. For a while they had all been gathered on Amanda's bed for some unknown reason. All of a sudden they'd all just been sitting there and Fin didn't complain. But then finally they were ready to head out and Fay jumped off the bed and ran down the hall. Amanda put away some things Fay had brought in there and she caught Fin watching her very intensely and she raised her eyebrow at him.

"In case you didn't know," he started, choosing his words carefully, "I find you very… amazing." It caught her off guard and he could tell by her facial expression. It made him smile even wider. Neither off them moved or said anything for a while but they managed to hold each other's eyes without it getting awkward.  
"I didn't know," she said once she managed to collect herself.  
"Well I do," he countered quickly. Fay shouted something from down the hall.  
"Just give me a minute honey," Amanda shouted back without letting her eyes wander off him. She turned and got up on her knees on the bed. She wasn't sure what exactly was happening here but it was something new.

He was still on the other side but got his hand up and gestured her closer. He still had a very unguarded smile on his face. She couldn't help but smile herself. She shuffled her way to him which didn't take long with the short distance already between them. He stretched his neck out a little and she knew what he asked for. She bent down and met his lips with hers. She kept her eyes open for a while but had to shut them as that nice, warm feeling spread from her lips and to every inch of the rest of her body. He took it slow, just enjoyed the feeling of her lips but then had to dig in a little deeper to taste her further. They both heard the thump from the kitchen though and then the tiny steps racing down the hallway and had to break it up before they reached the door. Amanda sat up, got some distance between them and took a deep breath before she turned her head towards the door at the same moment a pair of gleaming brown eyes and a whirlwind of blonde afro peaked around the doorframe. Amanda gave her a smile.

"Common already. What's taking you so long?" her voice sounded inpatient. Amanda gave a chuckle but that just made Fay gesture with her hand as she didn't see the fun in this tardiness.  
"We're coming right now," Amanda said and shot Fin a look as she got up.  
"You joining us?" she asked him and he gave her a nod.

**Later that night** after Fay had gone to sleep Amanda was putting things away in the kitchen after had left Fin by Fay's side. Fin was still around and had been for the entire day. Amanda didn't complain, he had such a calm aura around him lately he felt a bit out of character even though it was still his humor, his eyes, smile and the rest of him present too. He just seemed extra cool for some reason. Amanda wouldn't be surprised if he'd fallen asleep by now by Fay's side and would probably have to wake him up a little later or he'd be there the entire night. She was surprised though as she suddenly spotted him leaning against the kitchen counter furthest to the hallway.

"Hey," she said with a slight chuckle as she managed to hold on to a bowl that she almost dropped as she was a little spooked by his sudden presence. He gave her a smile that broke his previous serious disposition.  
"I thought you'd be asleep," she said.  
"No, I was just thinking," he said and she looked back at him after having put back the bowl. She was expecting him to finish that sentence but that had apparently been it. He'd been thinking.  
"About what?" she asked. He'd gone back to looking serious again.  
"Can I tell you something?" he asked.  
"If it's something like me being amazing of course," she had a cheeky smile on her face and he smiled back but she could tell he was really being serious and she felt bad for making a joke right now.

"I'm sorry, of course you can," she said, stopped what she was doing and turned towards him. He smiled again as he looked at her but then got off the wall and walked over to her kitchen table. He got the other chair out and placed it towards him. She got that he wanted her to have a seat and came over. When she sat down their knees almost touched, that's how close they were. She wasn't sure what all this was about but for some reason she wasn't worried. She felt as though she maybe should be though as he smiled at her as she sat down and he held her eyes in a very unfamiliar way. His face had gone from serious to a smile many times tonight and she couldn't help but reach out and just briefly stroke his cheek. It felt as though he needed it.

He swallowed hard, wet his lips and started;  
"I've told you… well you know I was undercover a lot when I worked narcotics," he looked at her and she nodded.

"I was married to Teresa and she had Ken while I was undercover. I wasn't there when he was born and I wasn't there for long periods of times as he grew up. I missed a lot. I did… love Teresa when I married her. But I loved her a certain way. I don't know. It's hard to explain but growing up in the hood, you know, you acted tough. That's what you had to do to stay alive and you got with the girls still acting tough. I was a tough guy," he said as his face broke out into a wide smile. She felt like saying 'you still are' but felt the moment wasn't right and just smiled back at him.

"I loved Teresa but I hurt her. I didn't treat her right, I've told you that," he said and she nodded. He had, a numerous times and she'd always drawn similarities to her and Fin's relationship. She focused on every word he said as she knew this was important.

"I probably shouldn't have married her. I definitely shouldn't have stayed with her as long as I did. Maybe apart we would have worked better together. It would have been better for Ken as well," he took a break so he could breath and he looked down for a while as he figured out what to say next. He knew where he wanted to end up, he'd thought about it long and hard for a while now.

"While I was undercover that last stint," he said and kept his head down, "I met someone." He sat up again so he could look at her.

"I didn't set out to, it just happen. I'd hooked up with skirts undercover before but knew to keep it… I guess I kept it as a part of the game, to just keep up the role I played. But… Keisha was different. I pretended she wasn't at first but then I couldn't. I… felt something more for her. Something I'd never felt before. Luis, my partner, knew. He told me to be careful. But I wasn't. I let it go too far. She hadn't really been a part of that whole drug circuit before, she was a hang around yeah but I pulled her in further. You had to play the game on the inside, I did some drugs, that I admit to. She did some too but I made sure she stayed off the hard ones," he had to take a break again and he touched her hand that was in her lap.

She turned her palm up and he put his against hers and their thumbs played around each other for a while. He gave her another smile. She could tell this wasn't easy for him to tell her. He let his hand rest in hers as he continued;  
"Keisha made undercover… There were times when I wanted it to be my life. I wanted it to be real. It did become a little too real. She… became pregnant," he gave her a serious look and she tried to not look shocked. He nodded though so she probably looked like she didn't believe her ears.

"I actually thought I could work it out. I thought I would take her away with me somewhere. Live happily ever after you know? Bull. I was delusional. That's not what happens in my life. I screw things up. I screw people over. I screwed Teresa and Ken over with Keisha and in the end I screwed Keisha and my unborn baby." He let her hand go and rubbed his scalp as he sighed.

"I told Keisha. I blew my cover. I was so stupid," he shook his head. She could tell he still felt guilty about it even though it was many years ago now. He'd obviously been in love with this Keisha and it made Amanda curious about her. He kept his head down as he finished the story.

"Keisha… felt betrayed. I didn't get it then. She told whatever it was we had was fake and it didn't mean anything. I tried to convince her what I felt for her was real. She wouldn't listen. She told me… well every SOB word in the book and she told me there was no way she would have a baby with me. I did feel… devastated for a while. I wanted to fix it but I couldn't. She told Escobar. That's why he tried to kill me. He didn't know about Luis, we came in at different times thankfully. But Luis took my bullet and somewhere in the mist of all the bullets flying Keisha got shot too. Luis never told anyone about me and Keisha. He was a good partner. I wasn't. He didn't know I blew my cover to Keisha, he still to this day doesn't know it was truly my fault he got shot. At the morgue I found out Keisha hadn't made her threat about an abortion real. She was still pregnant. And she was doped up on crack. So I killed that baby one way or another. I killed her. I loved her and that killed her."

He stayed quiet for a while, head still down. She felt unable to say anything that could be of any comfort to him and she didn't dare to touch him. But when she saw a single tear fall to the floor quickly followed by him bringing up his hand to his face to rub his eyes she couldn't just sit there any longer. She got down on her knees in front of him, it was the only thing she thought to do since she still didn't dare to touch him. It made him look up a bit but not enough to meet her eyes.

"It was still her decision to go to Escobar Fin. You can't take all the blame," she tried. It was what she seriously thought. Keisha had a right to be upset but by going to Escobar she gave Fin a death sentence.

His hand came up to her face without looking at her. He grabbed her cheek, his fingers dug in a little behind her ear. She waited and soon he pulled her in further. She didn't get a clear sight of his face as he came up and put his lips against her forehead. He pulled her in even further and wrapped his arms around her as hers snaked around his waist. Her ear was right at his heart and she listen to the low and steady thumps. His lips were on her hair and his arms squeezed her even tighter.

"I hurt what I love," she heard him whisper. It felt as though the final piece of a puzzle settled and she could see the entire picture. What she saw made her sad but it still made her feel good. You can't fix what you can't see, someone once told her. No not someone. Dr Olivet said it to her at one of their first sessions. Back when Amanda still was in denial about what an impact the deputy chief's assault really had on her. It had taken a while to get over that but once she saw the entire picture, learnt that others didn't blame her for what had happen and she didn't die with the realization of what he'd really put her through she began to heal. Fin's picture had been hidden for so long and she hoped it wasn't too late for him to heal too.

"It doesn't make me love you any less," she whispered back to him.

**She wasn't sure** how long they sat there but she could have stayed the entire night. He got restless eventually though and started to stir. He asked if he could stay the night and she said yes. They fell asleep in each other's arms fully dressed on top of her bedcover. The following days they talked a lot. Always in the protection of the dark in her apartment after Fay had fallen asleep. He told her about the undercover days, how he met Keisha and how it all ended. In detail. She let him talk, only occasionally asked something to fill in gaps.

With every word he shared with her it felt as though his burden got just a little bit lighter. He'd never talked to anyone about this but he realized it felt so much better once he did. And she didn't seem to think any less off him because of what he'd done. She didn't seem to hate, reject or despise him. Nothing of the anticipated reactions he'd always imagined if he ever told anyone. He should've known she was different though. That she wouldn't blame him. He felt so much lighter once everything was out. Once she knew his entire backstory she didn't look at him any differently and it was such a huge relief for him.

Amanda grieved and anguished with him through his story but it was a process she didn't want to miss. It all just made her understand him better, where he came from and why he'd been holding back with her. She felt sad that his secret had manifested itself so hard in him through all these years but then happy that it was finally out. It felt as though they'd taken a huge step in their relationship. He was around more, and not just for sex. They actually didn't fool around a lot at all. They'd been so busy talking and he respected her want to not conflict Fay.

But he was around so much Fay started to anticipate it and Amanda felt as though she wanted to touch on the subject of letting Fay in on Fin being her father. She figured she would just give him some more time to process this whole Keisha deal. Fay was turning four in just a couple of weeks and Amanda just felt it was about time she knew. Of course it did scare her, she feared Fay would feel cheated, perhaps be angry with her for keeping it a secret. She knew she just had to deal with whatever though, Fay had the right to feel disappointed at them but Amanda hoped she would just embrace it the way she usually did with new events in her life. Straight on and with a smile on her face.

And then it was the anticipation what would come next. What would happen after they told Fay? Would they tell people at work? The captain? Would they be able to work together after they knew Fin was the father of her child? And of course then they would ask about their current relationship. All these unanswered questions didn't make her nervous though, just giddy. She actually longed to be able to deal with them. The thought of not having to hide any more would be such a relief.

What would telling people he was Fay's dad do with their relationship? Could she and Fin actually be together? Like for real together? Could they be like a nuclear family with Fay? She'd never thought of herself ever being a part of a nuclear family but she had to admit the thought felt nice. She didn't expect roses or handholding though, he just wasn't the type and it was fine. He showed affection in other ways, just like she did. She couldn't wait to explore in what ways that could be.

So she felt very content lately, close to happy all the time. Even though they caught some nasty cases at work it felt so good to go home to Fay and lately, most nights with Fin by her side. Everything was just so great she for a second even forgot that her life could just never stay just perfect. She actually forgot something always seemed to happen when her life was at the top.

She was on her way out from court having dropped of some witness statements to Barba when her phone buzzed in her jacket pocket. She saw her captain's name on the screen and answered quickly thinking she might have forgotten something Barba needed for the trial that started tomorrow. It was nothing like that though. She wasn't prepared. It hit her right out of the blue.

"Fin and Amaro got shot at as they were bringing in the suspect," he let her know. She could tell by the tone of his voice this conversation wasn't going to end well.  
"Amaro took one to the shoulder but he's fine. Fin though… he's critical."


End file.
